I was sitting next to the window pane as it rained heavily.

The thick
dark clouds and the bad weather outside resembled the sinking feeling inside
me. A couple days ago when I was walking down the pavement going to
physic class I heard this girl saying How can some people say that why did
we have to regret something if there is nothing that we can do to change the
past? I think sometimes it is difficult to distinguish between regret and the
kind of grief that comes from something like choosing one life path over
another.

When we talk about regret we are usually talking about a

consequential decision we later come to feel was a mistake. For some reason
I believed that the girl are right. But still I cant change my mind to not
regretting for what had happen. The memories were replayed in my mind as
the tears rolled down my cheek. And every times I try to delete all of those
memories, I will burst into tears. Losing Nazirah forever was much more
regret then a sorrow. I really wish that I can go back on time and change the
situation that happen between us.
The morning after Nazirahs accident the girlfriend of one of her
brothers came up to me at my locker. She and I barely knew each other so
when she stood in front of me crying, I just sort of stared back, confused as
she tried to formulate words. When she finally spit them out: Nazirah had
been killed in a car accident the night before, I laughed. To this day I dont
know why I laughed. I think part of me thought she was kidding or playing
some sick joke; while the other part of me that feared it to be true laughed

because thats all that could come out of me in that moment. I thanked her
for the information, which I still didnt believe it, and went to the library to
find our friend Shera.
Shera sat amongst the stacks of art books trying to locate something
before classes began, and I told her what I had just been told. Ill never
forget the way she looked at me. She stared at me and kept repeating: But
we can go see her in the hospital, right? Shes in the hospital so we can go
see her right now if we want, right? It was at this point that the librarian,
who had obviously been made aware by the school earlier that morning,
came over and escorted us to the school counselor. By that time the room
was full of our friends who had already found out the news in basically the
same way we did. It was June 2nd, 2009 Nazirah had been taken from us the
night before on June 1st.
Before the accident, things had changed within our group of friends.
We had always been so close since grammar school, but now that we were in
high school, our friendships became strained as we started to grow apart and
into different people. We were all still friends, but the changes that were
happening were becoming harder and harder to ignore. It was also the
source of arguments, and lots of them that I wont even bother addressing.
But what it came down to be that Shera and I were changing, and hanging
around people with whom either Hana or Nazirah were impressed. We were
15 years old. We were confused and trying to find ourselves and people who

were like-minded. We werent trying to cast Hana and Nazirah aside, we were
just trying to make space for new people in our lives.
A few days before the accident we were all in the court trying to sign
up for the school basketball team. As I tried to make my way toward the
bench beside the court, Nazirah came up to me and wanted to get into some
verbal altercation. You could tell she was looking for an argument.
Youre being a real stupid lately, Ninie, she said instead of the usual
greeting of hello. To the best of my knowledge I hadnt done anything so I
rolled my eyes and tried to walk away, but she continued: Hana told me
youre thinking about buying the same shoes she has and thats so
annoying. I dont remember exactly what I said in response, but I do
remember that she was trying to fight with me over some stupid shoes, so I
just rolled my eyes again, and walked away. Im not talking to you until you
stop being an idiot! she yelled out at me. I shook my head, knew it would
eventually blow over, as it always did, and laughed a bit that it had
something to do with shoes of all things. Three days later, Nazirah was
gone and that afternoon in the court was the last time we had spoken. She
had just turned 15 years old the week before the accident.
Nazirah was buried on one of those perfect spring days without a cloud
in the sky, and I remember that being the saddest part about the funeral. Not
only was she gone, but the perfection of the day almost seemed to be
mocking us all. Of course, the priest explained that it was Nazirah smiling

down on all of. I just stood there staring at the brand new headstone, the one
her heartbroken parents were forced to pick out just the day before for their
daughter, the one that was so polished that it reflected the sun in a blinding
way, that there were absolutely no words for the devastation they were
feeling or the major loss we all experienced that day and every day that has
followed.
Although I know that eventually our tiff that day over Hanas shoes and
me turning into an idiot, would have gone by boards, it still, and always will
bother me that we werent speaking when she died. As the months that
followed and the police investigated the accident, the fact that there were
little to no brake marks led them to believe that maybe it hadnt been an
accident at all. In addition to that, other friends also revealed that right
before the crash Nazirah had also pulled away from them, too. Even as
recently as just this past the Holiday when a bunch of us were in town, that
possible theory came up again. However, I refuse to believe it or partake in
conspiracy theories when it comes to the life of an 16-year-old girl being cut
so short and so tragically on a windy back road, the same road we used to
walk down as kids to get ice cream at the convenient store that is no longer
there.
Although it was a lesson I learned too late when it came to Nazirah, I
have since made it a point to never leave even the slightest argument
unresolved with anyone I love. The truth is I always thinking to go back on

time and change the situation that happen between us. But it is too
pointless. There are some things you just cant take back and when the other
party is taken from you, that regret and guilt never, ever goes away.
Whenever Im in my hometown, I always stop to visit her grave.