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WrAP

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ISSUES FOUND IN THIS TEXT

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WrAP
Bailey McLaughlin
Mrs. Kirschner
English II
24 February 2016
WrAP
Throughout the millennia, people from all regions and cultures have
lusted for money and power. From this yearning, a great deal have
achieved their dream. However, do these things really 1, 2 bring about
true 3 happiness? As time has passed, it has come increasingly more

[ Redundant words ]

apparent that it does not. While it may help achieve short term piety, in

Overused word: really

the long run, it is the people around someone that determine their

Overused word: true

Firstly, money is an item that can easily be compared 4 to a drug. One

Passive voice

can build a resistance to it. This is 5 even shown by the oppositional

Unclear antecedent

more happiness" (Gilbert). An example of this kind of addictive nature

Repetitive word: buy

of money is the life of Jordan Belfort. Belfort started his career in the

Repetitive word: little

selling penny stocks where he 9 took fifty percent of each ale 10. This

[ Misspelled word: miniscule ]

margin of profit drew Belfort to create his own 11 firm where he would

Repeated word

mental state.

argument, "The data says that with the poor, a little money can buy a
lot of happiness. If you are rich, a lot of money can buy 6 you a little 7

stock market selling stocks for big name companies. While doing this,
he made quite small commissions that always resulted in miniscule 8
profit on his side. He was eventually fired from that job and moved to

make even better margins, resulting in him baking 12 ludicrous

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Possibly confused word: ale

amounts of money. Although, the wealth began to get to him. He

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[ Redundant words ]

began to develop drug and alcohol dependencies and to cheat on his

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Possibly confused word: baking

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Incomplete comparison

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Overused word: rich

wife. His craving for more and more fortune is what eventually led to
his downfall. The FBI arrested him and took the money he held so
dear. 13
Secondly, there is no shortage of rich 14 and famous people that are
depressed. One man that fits these requirements is the billionaire,
Dan Blizarian 15. After inheriting a wealth of money from his parents,

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Blizarian 16 decided to use the money for poker. Here he won big,

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[ Misspelled word: Blizarian ]

gaining even more 17 profit. From there he invested in the stock

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[ Misspelled word: Blizarian ]

market, bringing him to the current status as a billionaire. Now he lives

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[ Missing comma(s) with interrupter ]

is depressed. Another celebrity that suffered from similar problems is

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[ Misspelled word: Blizarian ]

Robin Williams. A man loved by the world, Williams, although being

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[ Redundant words ]

Along with there being depressed celebrities, there are also happy

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poor people. The majority of the world never makes it to be 23 rich, but

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Unclear antecedent

still carry on their lives perfectly content with what they have. If the

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[ To-infinitive instead of bare form ]

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Overused word: true

the life that most only dream of. However, this kind of non-frugal
lifestyle is not the best for one's mental health. Blizarian 18 basically 19
buys the people that surround him. He has even come out saying he

the affluent 20 man he was, was still depressed. This eventually 21

turned him to 22 the darkest decision possible, suicide.

working class moped around longing for more and not working,
nothing would get done.
Conclusively, a sizable part of this prompt is that it all depends on
one's outlook on the world. If someone believes that being rich is the
end all be all then yes, they will not find happiness until they achieve
that. However, if one does not see money as the true 24 form of
happiness, they will be perfectly content with what they have.