I think what it came down to for me was that nothing nothing I have ever

experienced in my life could make up for the depths we were going through.
Loneliness in a marriage and prohibited from any intimacy outside. So where
am I supposed to go. Its just an unwillingness to ever live like that, and
nothing I could desire for myself could be worth it the only thing that is
commensurate or greater would be a sense of responsibility and loyalty for
others. But as for myself, I would prefer to live at zero with constant zero
pleasure in my life if I can just avoid that fucking hell we just went through.
But it was as if the repeated grating in the marriage, though it peaked around
2011 to 2013, its memory lived in my mind. And each new hit feels cumulative,
a continued net loss, it doesnt matter that its less frequent. The continued
presence of these moments are an aberration to every part of my spiritual
instincts.
Amazing the ways in which pretty hurts moves me. Performance aspect in
everything, suppression, performance, the end of the day decompression in
hotel rooms, by yourself the competitive drive, this time Im going to take
the crown as Im going down down down
But I may not end up wanting happiness. I might prefer to be passionate, alive,
manifest, and in pain, than be a happy pond without a ripple.
Victorious and in pain. The look of determination that only comes from willful
suppression of pain and willingness to do it again.
Chameleon. Performer. Victor. Arrogant. Lonely.