July 9, 2003

Jian.
I miss letters. I think the advent
of email & instant communication is
symptomatic of a loss of patience &
maybe respettfurwords. M-aybe I-h-ate
cell phones because they are almost
too easy. And for me, if I have given
my time to be with someone, I dont
want to have my cell phone make me
or rather put me at someone elses
disposal. And letters are keepers. Once
delivered, you may re-read this, tuck it
under your pillow. ..burn it.. .whatever, whatever.
I have a few regrets from this past
weekei-w-h k-h-l d Ii ke-to sha rewft-h
you. No that wont do. I mean to say
that I want to clear away a couple of

cobwebs. I want to try to properly

answer here questions which you
posed to me but I was unable to

respond to because I am basicaHy

a chicken shit.
am a very fast & accurate judge /
accissor (is that a real word?) of peoples
characters. Not necessarily She is good. I
hate him. Sheis stupid. Kinda
moreviscerahEnerg-etic you know?

And I remember seeing you... at that

party in Banff & I literally turned around
and walked the other way. That
sparks thing that you dig so
much? Well, rather than the moth
to the flame it shoots me in the
other direction. You were too sparkling.
And then at Karaoke, I saw you had
signed up to sing... not really sure how I
-ac-e---co-nn-e-c-t-i-ons b-utf-Ufk... I a-m
made n
now realizing your face is everywhere at
all times... and thinking it was cool
you were there. But when it came
down to it I couldnt talk to you.
Just couldnt.

So finally at the BBQ but it seemed

you were talking to a number of women
and I was torn

flattered that you were

in to hooking up later but pretty sure

you had a bit of a collection of... well

you get the idea.

-B-ut I-came back- toH-alifax and
felt like an asshole for not
befriending you just because Im a
freak so I called you up. And felt.
ripped off for not being there for
that extra day with you.
I was absolutely sure Id never hear
from you. But I did. And what I found
is youd say things I was thinking
about. I dont know if you remember
say-i-ng t-hat you h-ad[rnagine.d-w-h-at
my life is like (I am paraphrasing here)
and that you were really basing this
on... well nothing. I was doing the
exact same thing. But instead of saying
so I think I said something ridiculous
like is that fun for you? [or]

equafly sentimental. But I had a hard

time hearing anything like that from
you because I was certain you were
saying this to other people, so I couldnt
appreciate it. Couldnt absorb it.
I decided I wanted to solve the
mystery a nd-cmet-oTo-ron1oH- dont
like making more or less out of a
person than they are without knowing
them. I wanted to see you & figure
out really where you are coming from
as much as one can in a few days.
I tried to make the trip about
work to take the pressure off
visiting you, but I had no reason to
come to Toronto except to hang with
you To be sure that you were a
re a-I-f-a-W-a-b-I-e pe r-son--b-soaTh-N-o-t--afigment bTmy imagination. AndT5da
safety net of people to see, things to
do etc but I felt very vulnerable &
though I tried to be there with an
open heart, guarded. And was sure
youd never notice. That was my
biggest mistake.

We hooked up for dinner and you

totally knocked me out. No wonder I couldnt
eat anything. You scared the hell out of
me. Either because you were reading
my mind or asking me to read it for you.
I mean, really, what on Earth could be
better than lying with you listening

-tornic&having pea ce -No-thing. Bti-tput to me like that, then? I really

could not deal. Such a simple thing
but I am used to spendingt4rne wit-h
people men I suppose who are so
totally unavailable emotionally that I
clearly did not know what to do. Nuff said.
But thats the bottom line. I am
worried that I gave you mixed messages

and if I did, firstly I apolologize... urn...

I mean Apologize fuck where is my

4ity--.-a-n-d-se eond4y--I-hone s-t-l-ydid not intent to.

I loved spending time with you
this weekend. You are hilarious. And
I really loved seeing you becoming
progressively more relaxed [with] me. Some
times I felt a bit left in the dust

like when I could see how the thing

you & Nobu have shows a coolness I
can only experience but not actually do.
I appreciate your advice [with] Trailer

Park Boys. The songs you write...

that Ive heard... are really beautiful.
And I hope that my visit didnt cramp
you too-m-u-eh.
I really have to go to sleep. Its very
I ate.

Jian. Youre great. And I want to know

more, have more fun easy times with
you because it Ls so very rare

right?

Who am I trying to kid? How many other

men really get this whole animal-kid
fucking thing?
I am sad we didnt spendt he night

together. I could have been more open [with]

you than in person, rather than [with] pen &
paper. I find disclosure in cafs tricky.
I love your hands.
Lucy.