THE DIDDLE REPORT

REPORT OF
THE OMBUDSMANS COMMISSION ON THE
UNAMERICAN ACTIVITIES AT


INTRODUCTION
OMBUDSMAN BIFFORD F. DIDDLE, by the power vested in him as
sovereign citizen and watchdog of truth, established this
Commission to investigate the events leading up to 16 October
2015, when media outlets first reported on the scandal that
would come to be known as #HatGate. THE OMBUDSMAN (and sole
member of the Commission) endeavored to evaluate all the
facts and circumstances surrounding #HatGate and to report
its findings and conclusions conclusively.
The subject of the Commissions inquiry was a chain of events
that saddened and shocked the employees of the WASHINGTON
FREE BEACON and citizens of the free world and DYLAN BYERS.
The potentially treasonous actions of FREE BEACON digital
managing editor ANDREW STILES, resulting in a significant
monetary donation to the DONALD J. TRUMP presidential
campaign, allegedly tied to the online purchase of Make
America Great Again headwear, necessitated this
investigation.
Among members of the FREE BEACON staff and the broader
community of Internet users, these events evoked universal
demands for an explanation, and stimulated a seemingly
endless array of conspiracy theories and baseless rumors.
The goal of this Commission was as follows: Find the truth.
Its conclusions are contained herein.
Yours in freedoms flame,

Biff F. Diddle
[Dictated but not read.]

THE OMBUDSMAN


FINDINGS
The findings of the Biff Diddle Commission are as follows:
1) WASHINGTON FREE BEACON digital managing editor ANDREW
STILES did knowingly and deliberately purchase a bunch
of hats from the DONALD J. TRUMP campaign website:


2) MR. STILES did knowingly and deliberately list his
occupation as #1 TRUMP FAN for submission to the
(unconstitutional) govt authority in Washington, D.C.:

3) On 12 November 16, your OMBUDSMAN did apprehend and

detain MR. STILES for the purpose of conducting a
preliminary interrogation.

4) Despite his best efforts, your OMBUDSMAN was unable to

obtain an adequate explanation for the reported
discrepancy of $30.20. Foul play is suspected.
5)


































was easily one of the most beautiful women I have ever
loved, which is really an extraordinary statement when
you take into account my extensive track record. We
used to spend long, rainy Saturdays on her couch in
London smoking cigarettes out the window and talking
about Satre. Ive never been fan of the French, but we
quickly bonded over our hawkish attitudes towards life
and the Viet Cong. Our lovemaking was nothing short of

ADAM KREDO

6) MR. STILES did on no fewer than 39 occasions retweet

the @realDonaldTrump account. Using the (admittedly
unorthodox) tactics outlined in Appendix C, your
OMBUDSMAN was able to determine

just saying it would be more accurate

to say that I find TOM BRADY attractive than it would
be to say that Im attracted to him. I think its
simply a case of game respecting game, as they say.
Were both severely attractive men. Weve both achieved
enormous success in our fields, and arent afraid to
push boundaries with respect to our fashion choices.
As I was recently explaining to KEN WEBER, a dear
friend of mine who, as it turns out, did not pass away
in 2013, there is a fine line between

That being said, it wasnt my first time. There used to

be an off-the-books gentlemans club on the outskirts
of Beirut in the mid-1980s. I cant remember what it was
called, but I would typically pop over on the weekends
and curl up in a booth with a dog-earned novel and a
stash of Raisinets Id snuck through customs. The food


there was mediocre at best, but the liquor was strong.
On more than one occasion, I found myself floating faceup in the Mediterranean, stripped of all my clothes,
pondering the ancient glow of galaxies long dead. Id
lose track of the simple details of my own life: Name,
birthplace, 40-yard dash time, how many women Id
married, etc. It doesnt take a man long to figure out
that you can wash the blood off your hands, but it never
really comes off.

7) DYLAN BYERS lives in California and has a beard on his

face. Where to begin? I will concede a youthful
dalliance with beards, and my extraordinary exploits in
the Golden State during the early 1970s are, for the
most part, a matter of public record. However,

I guess this is what passes for reporting these days.

You can practically taste the beard crumbs dribbling on
the keyboard. An old friend once told me to never trust
a man with more than one y in his name. His name was


Lucius Gladfoot, and he was never wrong. He died
tragically in 1985 commanding a Bedouin calvary brigade
near

and I quote:
New Orleans must exist alone in my memory,
for it is far too much to write of here.
Had I stayed, as I might have, through
February and the Mardi Gras season, it
would be worth the novel. Those of you who
experienced it with me will know, or know
in part, what I mean. It was true living,
life lived to the limit of human flesh and
blood, and I will hold it with me forever,
until I return.
BYERS wrote that. He also broke the STILES story. We
might disagree on the definition of true living,
but I wont argue with the facts. When I published my
acclaimed memoir DIDDLE ME THIS back in the late
1990s, a lot of people thought it was a novel because
it was so rich and compelling and sexy. I pulled the
plug on the screenplay version because some skinnylegged suit in a studio out in California insisted on
a sympathetic protagonist, but Im getting off
track. Over the course of my investigation, I was
able to

fever dream,
clinging to shadows, outgrowing myself and this planet.
Slept-through summers. Winters on the pier. Arms deals
run awry. The America I knew no longer existed. It was
polygons and warning signs. Sweaty hordes of shiteating lawyers. Everyones genitals gone digital.


CONCLUSION
In the expert opinion of your humble OMBUDSMAN, there is
sufficient evidence to conclude that MR. STILES

treason.
terminated
immediately and delivered to the custody of BIFF DIDDLE.

MR. KREDO shall

You broke the bonds

And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross of my shame
Oh my shame, you know I believe it.
Bono
Therefore,

supporting a political candidate,

regardless of the strength of ones passion for Making
America Great Again. This illicit political activity has
been source of immense personal shame for your OMBUDSMAN,
who has always sought to conduct himself according to the
ancient code of

the supple women

I have cradled on the shores of life, whereas

Hiroshima of the intellectual mind, serving no master but


the truth, commanding no armies but the facts, letting go
of daydreams sculpted out of great nothings, understanding
what it means to be a man.
D as spelled out in the
CONSTITUTION. I have towered in the valley. I have cowered
on the highest peaks. I have known love, and said goodbye.
I have committed terrible acts. For example:

Sadasdasda

The investigation continues.

Cordially,
Biff F. Diddle
2 February 2016
[Redactedsddfsfdsdf], Planet Earth


ADDENDUM
MR. STILES submitted the following statement for the record
in response to the contents of this report:
Ive only been given 140 characters to respond, so Ill just say
that I would never question Ombudsman Diddles integrity. I am
grateful for
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
BIFF DIDDLE is the OMBUDSMAN of the WASHINGTON FREE BEACON.
He was born in sdfsdfdsfsdfsdfdsfdsfdsfdsfsdfdsfdsdfsdfsdfsds
sdfsdfssdfdsfsdfsdfdfdsfsdfdsfdssdfsdfsdfsdfsdfdsfsdfdsfsdfsd
fsdfsdfsdfsdfsdsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsd
fsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfdsfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsddsdfsdfsdf
sdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfdsfds In his free time, he enjoys ssdfdd
sdfdsfdsfdsfsdfdsfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfs
dfsfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdf
sdfsdfdsfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdfsdsd
f
fdsdsff and learning to play the upright bass.
NOTE: PLEASE PROORFEAD FOR ERRORS