Justin Abbott

Comm 2110
Billings
12/14/2015

Overview
My goal for the personal change project for this course was to
decrease assumptions in conversations. Through out this project I
worked on being an active listener, pay attention to what others are
telling me and let go of my previous assumptions. I applied several
strategies discussed in this course and the Beebe text. The strategies
included mindfulness (Beebe et al p.34), being objectively selfaware (Beebe et al. p. 43) and social decentering (Beebe et al 111).
I applied these strategies in my daily life and kept a journal in order to
track my progress. My results were positive, although it was not an
easy process. I will continue to work on these skills even after this
course is completed.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

I have noticed that in past interactions and conversations with
people that I stop listening to what they are saying, because I feel as
though I already know what they are going to say, or I have made the
decision that they are not being genuine. I have a habit of assuming
negative connotations (Beebe et al. p 157). Once as assumption was
made I had a hard time moving on in the conversation and the
judgment stayed with future conversations with that individual.

Here are some examples:

Working as an electricians apprentice I am expected to perform

basic skills. Since I am new to the profession there are skills that
I can do, but it may not be the most effective way to do it. When
my boss would pull me aside, after I had done something at the
job site, and explained to me that there was a better and more
effective way for me to accomplish the job, I made negative
assumptions in the conversation. That assumption was that I felt
that he thought that I was incompetent and unable to perform
the skills necessary to do my job. As a result of my assumption of
an underlying meaning, I became on edge when my boss was
around and my confidence in my skills began to diminish. I felt
uncomfortable doing my job and started questioning my career
choice.

Another situation that is an example of my negative habit was

when I told my wife that I wanted to drink again. I assumed that
my wife was angry and placing judgments on me for my
decision. During that conversation I did not actually listen to
what my wife was saying, because I had already made the
decision that I knew what she was saying and how she felt. As a
result of this my wife and I spent the next couple weeks in
arguments and tensions. After recollecting the conversation
weeks later I realized that my wife actually didnt feel or say the
things that I thought she did.

In both of these situations I displayed the negative habit of assuming

that I knew what the other person was thinking and feeling. I was
selectively listening (Beebe et al. p. 127) in order to validate my
assumptions. Both situations ended in more anxiety and frustration for
me.

Strategies
Through out the personal change project I utilized several
different strategies in order to help me gain positive and healthy
conversation skills while letting go of my unwanted conversational
habits.

The first strategy is mindfulness (Beebe et al. p 34). Being

mindful means that you have the ability to be aware of yourself
separate from other things. There are several different ways to be
mindful. One of them being objectively self-aware (Beebe et al p.
34), which means that you are able to distinguish your own thoughts
and being able to control the things that you are thinking. I felt as
though this strategy would help me to realize when I am making
assumptions in conversations and allow me to change my thought
process. Being able to practice the skill of being objectively self-aware
shows that you are aware of your state of mind during the
conversation and are aware of your thoughts and feelings. While I was
implementing this strategy I found that I was able to focus on my
thoughts and change my way of thinking during the conversation, once
I had done this several times I was able to focus on what the other
person was saying and was able to put my own thoughts aside.
Another strategy that I incorporated in my personal change
project was social decentering (Beebe et al. p 111). Social
decentering is when you look at the conversation from the other
persons point of view. Not only taking into account their current point
of view, but also their background, values and even culture. When you
are able to take into account where the other person is coming from if

makes it easier for you to understand why they are saying what they
are in the current conversation. When I was able to use this strategy I
found that my point of view on things changed. When I took into
account the persons cultural and religious background, even though
different from my own, I was able to understand better why they were
saying what they were in the conversation.
Stop, Look and Listen (Beebe et al 131) was the strategy that I
tried to incorporate the most. I feel as though it was the most useful in
my personal change project. This strategy is made up of 3 parts; Stop,
Look and Listen. The Stop portion means that you focus on the other
person and let go of your internal self talk. It means you are an active
listener (Beebe et al p 137) and are in the conversation physically and
mentally. Learning how to utilize this was similar to mindfulness, I
consciously blocked out my own thoughts and had to focus on what the
other person was saying rather than checking out when my
assumptions were made.
Look means that you are paying attention to the nonverbal cues
that are happening within the conversation. Look also includes the
interpretation of those non verbal cues, and learning how to accurately
interpret those cues. Watching for facial expressions and vocal
cues.eye contact posture, and use of gestures and movements
(Beebe et al p. 132) allows us to gain a better understanding of what
the other person is thinking, feeling and ultimately what they are
verbally saying. Being able to accurately interpret the nonverbal
conversation allows us to participate in the conversation in a more
meaningful way. I tend to interpret nonverbal cues inaccurately which
aids in my assumptions that I make about the person speaking or what
I think the underlying meaning is. Learning how to interpret nonverbal

cues has really helped me to be more comfortable in conversations

with other people.
Listen in the Stop, Look and Listen means that you are actively
listening to the other person. You are not only present physically and
mentally, interpreting nonverbal cues accurately, but you are listening
to the other person and looking for the emotional aspect of it. Being an
active listener you should be goal oriented during the conversation.
Beebe et al gives 5 strategies in order to maximize your listening
effectiveness (Beebe et al p. 132). These include Determining your
listening goal, transforming listening barriers into listening
goals, mentally summarizing the details of the message,
mentally weaving these summaries into a focused major point,
and practicing listening to challenging material. (Beebe et al p.
134). Utilizing these skills allowed me to be able to engage in more
meaningful conversations. I noticed that when I was an active listener
and practicing the strategies of Beebes listen, my conversations not
only were more meaningful but they lasted longer, and more people
were willing to talk to me.
The last strategy that I found to be most effective for me was
asking appropriate questions (Beebe et al. p.141). Asking
appropriate questions means that after actively listening to the other
party speak you ask questions to clarify or continue the conversation
to make sure that you understood what the speaker was meaning.
Being able to ask questions in order to understand the message of the
speaker allows the listener to be a part of the conversation and
contribute appropriately. Beebe et al also states that research shows
that when the listener made no responses to the speaker, the speaker
told the story less effectively, (Beebe et al p. 134). This shows that

asking appropriate questions also makes the speaker feel heard and
that what they are saying is of importance to the listener. Before this
personal change project I did not ask clarifying questions, because I
assumed that I knew what they meant, what they were going to say, or
frankly I didnt care about what they were saying. When I put this
strategy to use I noticed that even though I may not care about the
topic we are discussing, I do care about the individual whom I am
speaking to and it is important to me that they feel heard.

Constraints
Some of the struggles that I came across while participating in
this personal change project were those of habit as well as personal
struggles. I have high social anxiety due to military service, which
makes me automatically on edge when speaking with someone Im not
completely comfortable with (my wife really is the only one). When I
am uncomfortable in a conversation I make hasty judgments and
assumptions in order to get the conversation over with as quickly as
possible so that I can move on to something more comfortable. While
applying strategies learned in this course my social anxieties
skyrocketed. Now not only did I need to participate in a conversation
where Im uncomfortable, but I also have to concentrate on the specific
strategy and make sure to actually try to use them. Another constraint
I came across was sheer mental, emotional and physical exhaustion.
This is my first semester back to school since High School, Im working
full time as an electrician and taking full credit hours. Not only that, but
my wife just has our baby and trying to spend time with them is hard
when I have so much homework and am physically exhausted from

work. Being mentally and emotionally drained really took a toll when
trying to mentally prepare myself to use the strategies and then also
using them.
Not only did I have all of these things on my plate as well as the
personal change project to focus on, I just started a PTSD therapy
program with the VA where I have another set of things to work on
during conversations, situations and the way I think about life. Some
days this project didnt take priority and it was hard to get back on
track with it afterwards.

Implementation
Beginning this journey, of implementing strategies to work
towards my personal change project goals of not making assumptions
in conversations, was a rough one. Because of the constraints I
mentions in the section above, I really struggle with finding motivation
to want to put myself in uncomfortable situations in order to work
towards the goal. While speaking with my wife about it we decided that
I would really try to utilize most of the strategies with my
conversations with her since I am most comfortable with her. Once I
felt as though I had a handle on it I began to try to use them in
conversations with other people. Those people included my mom,
mother in law, father in law and boss. Several times I felt as though I
was getting more comfortable in actively listening (Beebe et al p.
137), and would try with other people like my friends or clients that I
was working with. I noticed that when I got stressed or overwhelmed
by things other than these strategies and even this class, I had a
harder time implementing the strategies and really struggled with
finding motivation. When I felt this way my wife was good to have

conversations with me about the strategies and ways that I can

implement them better. For example Reframing (Beebe et al. p. 49) is
one of the strategies I felt would be most effective but I had no idea of
how to do it. I would bring up conversations or situations that I had
recently, to my wife, and we would go over how I could have reframed
the conversation to make it more effective. One of these situations was
that I was frustrated with a client at work and their pushiness towards
an unrealistic deadline. This client also micromanaged and was looking
over our shoulder the whole time. My co-worker told me that this client
just had a ton of electrical work done wrong in their home. My wife
helped me to realize that it is probably because their former electrician
that they are adamant about how things are done and watched over
our shoulders burned them. Multiple times after conversations my wife
would explain to me a different way to look at the situation or
conversation that allowed me to understand what the speaker was
saying. After several times of my wife pointing out ways I can reframe,
I started to bounce ideas off of her after the conversation, to see if I
was reframing appropriately. I still do not feel like this is a skill that I
am good at, but I am working towards bettering myself at it. It helps
that my wife is willing and able to help me.
I noticed that through out this personal change project I tended
to get less and less irritated with situations and conversations. I think
this is because my assumptions that I was making were 90% negative
ones. I felt as though people were always being negative, mean, or
judgmental or were just not being very genuine. While I implemented
the strategies I had chosen I was able to ask appropriate questions
(Beebe et al p. 141) and get clarification about what they were talking
about and what they were meaning. Doing this allowed me to notice

that most of the time my assumptions were way off. I was making
those assumptions in order to protect myself. If I knew what they
were saying or meaning then it didnt bother me, where as if I thought
they were positive intentions and turned out not to be I would be
angry. This was a very frustrating and exhausting project for me to
complete.

Results
As the strategies I had chosen were implemented into my life, I
found a few positive consequences. One I feel is the most significant is
that the conversations with my wife were more meaningful and less
irritating and stressful. I was able to find strategies that worked in
conversations with her and was also able to turn to her for help when I
needed it with strategies I needed to use with other people. Another
positive is that I realized that my listening style (Beebe et al p. 123)
was not a healthy one. I felt as though my views on things were
realistic when in fact they were pessimistic and that reflected in my
assumptions in conversations.
Another positive is that I learned how to be mindful (Beebe et
al. p 34) of myself as well as towards others. I was able to consciously
make an effort to stop my internal self-talk and be completely aware of
what I am doing mentally while conversations were taking place. This
was the basic strategy that allowed me to work on other strategies in
return. Learning to be mindful was the basis of me being able to
change and stop making assumptions in conversations.
The negative consequences that I noticed while implementing
these strategies were not because of the strategy themselves, but
rather life experiences that were happening simultaneously. I became

way overwhelmed with homework, work, therapy, conversation

strategies, being a new dad, being a husband etc. This project took a
toll on me in both positive and negative ways.
I do feel as though I was able to make a dent towards
accomplishing my goal of not making assumptions in conversations. I
am now able to recognize when I am doing it and know some
strategies to avoid or change them. I still have a ways to go to
perfect the strategies and not make any type of assumptions, but I
now have the tools to be able to do so.

Recommendations
I do plan to continue working on my conversational skills and
make positive changes where needed. It will be nice to not feel as
though I was forced to work on them and I can do it on my own terms.
Being able to work on things on my own terms will allow me to make
more drastic and meaningful changes. This semester has been a hard
one for me both academically and at home. I think in some ways this
project inhibited me in other parts of my life rather than helping, but
helped in other ways as well.
There are multiple strategies that I did not implement that Beebe
et al mentions that I will attempt in the future as well as doing better in
some strategies that I did try. One of those being I statements (Beebe
et al p. 240). When I implemented this I noticed that conversations
went drastically different, however it was not one that I repeatedly
tried through out the course of this project. It is a strategy that I will
work harder towards using more often in order to have more positive
conversations.

Works Cited

Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2014). Interpersonal

Communication Relating to Others. Boston: Pearson Education,
Inc.