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Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:51 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:51 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:54 AM

it was, he made sure to complete it

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it was, he made sure to complete it

Page 1: [2] Comment [3]

Im not sure what you mean. Are you saying we should learn from their example of
obedience? Are you saying that temples are important and that you want to talk about
temples? This work is too ambiguous. Consider the proposed edits.
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Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:57 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:57 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:57 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:57 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:57 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:57 AM

When
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When
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When
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When
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When
Page 1: [4] Comment [4]

Wasnt this part of his experience when he was 14, and not part of his experience when
he was 17?
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Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:54 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:54 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:54 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:54 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:54 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:02 PM

wasnt
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wasnt
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wasnt
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wasnt
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wasnt
Page 1: [6] Comment [5]

Its not clear from this sentence which visions were received which years. Consider these
edits. I know theres a lot of them, but it felt like the logical flow in your paragraph was
out of order. You talked about a) vision when he was 17, then b) a vision when he was
14, then c) a vision when he was 14, again, and then d) the vision when he was 17.
Hopefully these edits make sense.
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Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:59 AM

Page 1: [7] Deleted

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:59 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:59 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:59 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:59 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:59 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:59 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:59 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:59 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 11:59 AM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:01 PM

,
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,
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,
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,
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,
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,
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,
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,
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,
Page 1: [8] Comment [6]

Was it about the priesthood, or was it about temple work?

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Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:03 PM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:03 PM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:03 PM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:04 PM

years later
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years later
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years later
Page 1: [10] Comment [7]

Its not clear from your wording what ordinances are. Consider defining the word
ordinance for the less-informed members of our audience.
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Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:07 PM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:07 PM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:17 PM

i
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i
Page 1: [12] Comment [8]

The link between these two ideas isnt as clear and as logical as it could be. Please
explain why having a temple helps us understand God's plan for us.
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Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:08 PM

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:08 PM

,
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,
Page 1: [14] Comment [9]

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:09 PM

Our nonmember audience might not understand the term last days. Let me know what
you think of the edits here.
Page 1: [15] Comment [10]

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:11 PM

When you shorten an authors name in an academic/professional setting, always use the
last name only, not the first name only.
Page 1: [16] Comment [11]

Erin Steenblik

10/28/15 12:11 PM

Since its a rhetorical question, it's really more of a statement, so "said" would probably
be more appropriate here.