AttachmentStylesandConflictResponses

Question:
Howdopeoplewithafearfulattachmentstyledifferfrompeoplewithasecureone
whenitcomestoconflictresponses?

TwotopicsIfoundparticularlyinterestinginourtextbookwerecommunication
climatesandpersonalidentity.Whileworkingonmycommunicationprocessreflections,
IwroteaboutmyownattachmentstyleandhowInormallyinteractwithothersIget
closeto.Attachmentstylesarepatternsofcaregivingthatteachushowtoview
ourselvesandpersonalrelationships(Wood,183).IrealizedthattrulyIhavemoreof
ananxious/ambivalentattachmentstyle,whileItrytoshowtooutsidersthatImmore
secure.Theanxiousattachmentstyleconsistsofamostlypositiveviewofothersanda
negativeviewofself,andthesecureattachmentstyleisbothapositiveviewofothers
andself.Toanalyzetheattachmentstylesfromamoreextremeperspective,Ive
createdaquestionbasedonthefearfulattachmentstyleandthesecureone,insteadof
goingoffofmyown.Icombinedattachmentstyleswithconflictresponsestotryto
understandhowfearfulandsecurepeopledifferwhenitcomestodifferentconflict
responses.
Peoplewhoaresecurearetypicallyveryaffectionate,outgoing,andareableto
handleachallengingrelationshipthatmayeventuallyfailwithoutlosingselfesteem
(Wood,183).Aschildren,theyaregivenconstantloveandattentionandcreatea
positiveviewofthemselvesandothers.Securepeopledontlosesightofthefactthat
theyareloveableandthatothersarelovingaswell.Ontheoppositeendofthe

spectrum,fearfulpeopleseethemselvesandothersasunlovableandunloving.They
areextremelyapprehensiveaboutrelationshipseventhoughtheyusuallycravea
healthyone.

Similartothefourattachmentstyles,therearefourtypesofconflictresponsesas
well.Theexitresponseoccurswhensomeoneleavesarelationship,eitherphysically,
emotionally,orboth.Thistypeofresponseisconsideredactiveanddestructive,
becausethispersonisactivelymakingachoiceabouttherelationship,butthatchoiceis
alsodestructiveforthefutureoftherelationship.Theneglectresponseisboth
destructiveandpassiveithappenswhensomeoneignoresorunderexaggerates
problems,makingtheotherpersonfeelasthoughtheirfeelingsdontmatter.Theloyalty
responseisconstructivebecauseyouarechoosingtostayinarelationshipdespite
problems,althoughstillpassivebecauseitsasilentallegiance(Wood,145).Assuming
youhavegoodcommunicationskill,thevoiceresponseisconsideredthemostactive
andconstructivebecauseitoccurswhensomeonechoosestoexpresstheirhonest
opinionsaboutanotherinordertoattempttomoveforwardintherelationship.
Accordingtoastudydoneonmarriedcouples,thosewithahighertendencyto
avoidattachmenthadmorenegativeresponsestotheirpartnersissues,andviseversa
(Gouinetal.,2009)Thisstudyshowedthattherewasacorrelationbetweenpartners
withwhatmayhavebeenafearfulattachmentstyle(ordismissive/anxious)andtheir
responsestoconflict,whichwereusuallynegative.Therefore,partnersinromantic

relationshipswhohadanattachmentstylethatwasnotassecureastheother,tended
tohavemorepassiveanddestructiveresponsestoconflict.
Anotherstudybasedondatingcouplesshowedsimilarresults,howeverdiffering
formenandwomen.Thestudytestedlevelsofpsychologicalstresswhenfacedwithan
issueandhowthelevelsvariedbasedonattachmentstylesthatwereeithersecureor
insecure.Theyfoundthatinsecuritydifferedinmenandwomen,andthatstresslevels
differeddependingonthetypeofinterpersonalrelationship(Powers,Pietrornonaco,
Gunlicks,&Sayer,2006).

Inmyownexperience,Ihavefoundthatpeoplewithmoreinsecureattachment
stylesdotendtobemoretimidwhenitcomestodealingwithconflict.Asmentioned
before,myanxiousattachmentstyleoftenleadstoproblemswhenImdealingwith
issueswithpeople.Personally,Ieitheravoidconflictbyexitingorneglecting,orIuse
voicetosharemyfeelingsandopinionsalthoughthattendstobehurtfuland
destructive.Iwouldimaginethatanyonewithanattachmentstylethatdidntinvolvea
positiveviewofthemselvesandotherswouldleadtounsuccessfulresponsesto
conflict.
Peoplewhoaremorelikelytoneglectand/orexitareprobablyafraidof
relationshipslikethosewithafearfulattachmentstyle,orperhapsviewothersas
unworthylikethedismissivestyle.Afearfulpersonmayalsorespondtoconflictby
beingloyaltosomeoneelsebecausewhiletheyfeeltheyareunlovable,theywanttobe
lovedstill.Loyaltyisquietandnotpushy,sosomeonewithafearfulstylemaybeloyal

inordertotrytogainsomeonesapprovalwithoutseemingtooclingy.Ontheother
hand,peoplewhoaremoresecureabouttheirrelationshipswithothersprobablyhave
healthierwaysofrespondingtoconflict.Becausesecurepeopleseethemselvesand
othersaslovableandaffectionate,theyareprobablymoreabletousegood
communicationskillstovoicetheirfeelings,andtostayloyaltoothersevenintimesof
struggle.Securepeoplealsoseefailedrelationshipsaslearningopportunities,sowhen
aconflictdoesdissolvearelationship,theytypicallydontreverttounhealthierwaysto
copewithconflictinfuturerelationships.
Ibelievethatattachmentstylesplayahugeroleinwayspeoplerespondtoand
dealwithissueswithotherpeople,whetherinaromanticrelationshiporjust
interpersonalrelationshipsingeneral.Peoplewhoareraisedtoseethemselvesand
otherscertainwayswillenduptreatingothersdifferentlywhenconflictarrises.Based
onwhethersomeonehasmorepositiveornegativeviewsofothers,constructiveor
destructivetypesofconflictresponseswillbeused.Ultimately,thewayweareraisedby
caregiversandthewaywefeelaroundotherpeoplemostofthetimeisagoodpredictor
forhowwewilltreatthemwhenwefeelhurt.

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