Shauna Pauli P3 Draft.

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SHAUNA_PAULI_P3_DRAFT .DOCX (22.71K)

T IME SUBMIT T ED

24-NOV-2015 10:10PM

WORD COUNT

1726

SUBMISSION ID

605755142

CHARACT ER COUNT

8542

Love the
alliteration
!
Oh man, I'm
so glad not be
dating today. :
)

I'd suggest
separating the
story from the
rest of the
paragraph.

However,

No indent

Work on the transition and the topic sentence. At very least make it clear this is
another drawback of social media.

No indent.

But is this a problem for the

individual or for relationships?
I'm not sure you're supporting
your argument here, so much as
supporting the phenomenon of
online anonymity and it's faults.

but
OK, well-said! This is a solid paragraph.

Is the trust part coming?

Especially if this paragraph will explain the trust point, make that clear in a
transition and topic sentence.

No indent

No indent
what

Shauna Pauli P3 Draft.docx

GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

/100

Instructor
Shauna,
As a whole, because you are a strong writing, can
use personal examples well and generally use f un
metaphors or comparisons, your paper is f un to
read! However, it isn't as strong in the areas of
support and f ocus.
For example, your thesis is f airly broad. While you're
using more sophisticated language than "more cons
than pros," your argument essentially opens up the
possibility that your paper can be one long list of
dif f erent relationship problems being caused by
social media. Pref erable would be choosing a single
problem and analyzing it in more depth so that your
paper has to be an extended argument, structured
caref ully so as to really prove your thesis.
However, this broadness doesn't have to be a huge
drawback if you have really solid support. Spending a
little more time analyzing whether social media
actually CAUSES or EXACERBAT ES (makes worse)
these problems would help. More of ten in the paper,
it seems like you're proving that social media and
internet interaction can exacerbate other personality
problems. In short, more depth to the support you
give (meaning considering all the possible angles,
giving f urther support, etc.) would help, too.
If you wanted to revise, I'd really suggest f orcing
yourself to choose a more narrow f ocus f or the
paper and then go a little deeper into the logic and
support of the argument. It's not an easy revision,
but you're def initely capable and it would be nice to
what you came up with!
If you have questions, we can def initely discuss
those in your conf erence next week!

PAGE 1

Text Comment.

Love the alliteration!

Text Comment.

Oh man, I'm so glad not be dating today. : )

Comment 1
T hesis? It could be a little more specif ic, if so. For example, "huge role," "change," and "more
detrimental than benef icial" open up as many questions as they answer. What specif ic role has
social media played? Who has argued it is benef icial? Which specif ic problem or problems will
you f ocus on?

Text Comment.

I'd suggest separating the story f rom the rest of the paragraph.

Comment 2
??
PAGE 2

Text Comment.

However,

Text Comment.

No indent

Comment 3
And yet, you aren't of f ering a citation f or this or any specif ics. Can you?

Text Comment.

Work on the transition and the topic sentence. At very least make it clear
this is another drawback of social media.
PAGE 3

Text Comment.

No indent.

Strikethrough.
Text Comment.

But is this a problem f or the individual or f or relationships? I'm not sure

you're supporting your argument here, so much as supporting the phenomenon of online
anonymity and it's f aults.
QM

You
Avoid "you!"

Text Comment.

but

Text Comment.

OK, well-said! T his is a solid paragraph.

PAGE 4

Strikethrough.
Text Comment.

Is the trust part coming?

Text Comment.

Especially if this paragraph will explain the trust point, make that clear in a
transition and topic sentence.

Text Comment.

No indent

Text Comment.

No indent

Text Comment.

what

Strikethrough.
PAGE 5

Comment 7
In general, but especially here, your analysis of the inf ormation could be stronger. While your
opinion is certainly usef ul, your point initially was that social media can decrease the level of
trust in a relationship. Here, you haven't really shown that it is social media that causes that, but
like you say, perhaps the individual's own personality and tendencies created that.
My real point is that your paper needs more analysis of the inf ormation you f ind, as well as a
stronger investigation of the question of whether social media is actually causing these
problems.

Strikethrough.
Strikethrough.
PAGE 6

QM

Ital.
Italicize

QM

Ital.
Italicize