Riley 1

http://screencast.com/t/XHagfwqN
http://screencast.com/t/wcLyUinX5gu

Kiante Riley
Ms. Coco
English 1001
24 September 2015
Audience: The audience is intended for individuals who find it hard to overcome challenges, especially high school students who usually fly by high school getting good grades without having
to study.

Process Preface
After the peer review and the cut- and-tape revision exercise, I decided that I would
change my conclusion so that it would match my introduction. I wanted my intro to serve as a
motivational introductory, and my conclusion to wrap up my paper but also include some of the
same elements from my intro. While trying to relate my intro to the rest of my paper I found myself repeating the word try. My entire essay is about the decisions to try and as I was writing I
kept seeing that I was overusing the word and should rephrase some of my sentences to say the
same idea in a new way. I feel like I need to develop my focus more and focus in on the overall
subject that my literacy was improved due to my ambition to do better in my AP courses and
that in order to succeed you have to put in the effort to do better. I think that iI need help with my
focus, developing my essay more, and making sure I keep my intended audience in mind. I
believe the strengths of my essay is that every paragraph pretty much relates to the other so it
kind of flows.

The Decision to Try

(1)

Jean Coco 10/5/2015 6:17 PM

Comment [1]:
As a reader, it seems like high school students are your target audience.

Riley 2

To be a champion, I think you have to see the big picture. It's not about winning and losing; it's about every day hard work and about thriving on a challenge. It's about embracing the
pain that you'll experience at the end of a race and not being afraid. People think too hard and get
afraid of a certain challenge when all you have to do is try.
(2)
For my entire academic career I was successful without having to try. I was the child in
the class everyone envied because I was too smart. The funny part is, I never tried to be too
smart. Never receiving less than a C on any assignment or test made me feel as if studying was
pointless, so I never did it. From elementary to middle school I flew past my peers, without chal-

Jean Coco 10/5/2015 6:09 PM

Comment [2]:
I think you audience needs to know more
about the demographics of your school
district.

lenging myself. While I could have gotten an A on a test, I received a B because I didn't want to
challenge myself and didn't want to try to do better. I became to comfortable being a B student
while all along I could have been an A student. I was accustomed to being a little above average.
(3)
In high school, I felt as if all of my classes were too easy, I felt the need to crank my academic endeavors up a notch. My sophomore year in high school my English teacher talked to me
about possibly signing up for AP classes for my junior year. She mentioned that it would be a bit
challenging but she knew that I could do it. Already bored with my overly easy sophomore classes I felt that AP classes couldn't be that awful. So I went on and signed myself right up ready for
the challenge.
(4)
My junior year in high school began so horribly. On the second day of my AP U.S. History class, my class was instructed to do an unexpected sixty minute Free Response Essay about
the Columbian Exchange. As easy as the topic sounds, I received a twenty F on the assignment. I

Jean Coco 10/5/2015 6:11 PM

Comment [3]:
Which ones?
Jean Coco 10/5/2015 6:09 PM
Comment [4]:
So your English class was easy? Say
more about why. This will help your audience determine whether they are at your
level or not.
Jean Coco 10/5/2015 6:10 PM
Comment [5]:
Was there a buzz about AP at your
school? Who took AP English classes?
Did they talk about them at all?

Riley 3

was expressionless when I received my essay back. My teacher had written more than I had for
the entire essay, outlining everything I did horribly, what I sucked at, but also pointing out the
few good points of my essay. Next week in my English class, we did our first rhetorical analysis
essay, and just when I thought this was my time to redeem myself, I too received a F on this assignment as well. Essay after essay, I found it hard to improve. Sure my Fs were improving but a
high F is still a F- its still a fail. Even though I never had to study or work hard to do well, I was
not used to failing. I simply did not fail. I thought of myself as a fairly good writer. I finally realized that I had to want to do better and find a way to improve, whether that means studying or
asking the teacher for help, both of which I was not accustomed to doing. My writing was not
going to improve if I was not recognizing my mistakes.
(5)
Mid-semester my grades were still suffering even though I had been doing all of the right
things to improve my writings. I felt like I was at the point of no return. While all of my peers
were seeing improvement and rising, I was still at the bottom. I had to realize that the tactics I
was doing to improve in my writings weren't enough, I had to treat my academics like a nine to
five job. During this process I lost friends because I never had enough time for to hang out anymore because I was always stuck inside studying or doing homework. My social life was practically over and I didn't have to time for anything but school. I went to tutoring sessions on Saturday mornings with my teacher at PJs where he would go over my essays and tell me what
mistakes I made and how I could improve. Sure enough my writing became better and I went
from getting the lowest score on my free response essays to getting the highest in the class. I
learned that I had to actually put in work if I wanted to be successful. I could not just pass by in
an AP class not studying, I had to put in work and overtime.

Riley 4

(6)
My junior year in high school was hectic- it was a major turning point in my academic
career. Taking on the challenge of taking three AP courses in the same semester seemed like social suicide. Even though this nearly killed me, it gave me the opportunity to do lots of writing
and it greatly improved my skills as a writer. AP English and AP U.S. History both boosted
my writing skills and gave me new insight as a writer. AP English course expanded my writing in a whole new light, I learned how to successfully use literary devices and how to use effective rhetorical skills in my writing. AP U.S. history was a pain. However, it taught me how
to use analyze factual information and use it in my writing. Even though I failed my first couple
of free response essays - horribly- I improved tremendously because I tried.

50 Overall score
Focus 3/ Org. 2/ Devel. 1 / Aud. 2

Jean Coco 10/5/2015 6:14 PM

Comment [6]:
You audience will want to hear specific
details about this. This is an opportunity to
expand your paper into two or more paragraphs.
Jean Coco 10/5/2015 6:15 PM
Comment [7]:
Say more about this in the next draft.
Jean Coco 10/5/2015 6:16 PM
Comment [8]:
Can you take a specific example and show
how you learned this skill? How you broke
the information apart and analyzed it?