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ADULT JOKES:
1. A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his
wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours
later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now
have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of
course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please... just one more
time before I die.". She says, "Of course, Dear.". They make love for the
third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep The man,
however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he is
down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4
more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and
says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You dont!"
2. Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate,
Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and
returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation. "Who was it?" the
back stabbing buddy asked. "Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly. "Oh
crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he
was?" "Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with
you."
3. A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day
she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her
husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your
clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's
home early!" "I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from
beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in
here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a
very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend
scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he
began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. He started
running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his
clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It
wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had
been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run
in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so
wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I
can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go
home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do
you always wear a condom when you run?" "Only if it's raining."
4. A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and
eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a
cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really
taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like
something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich?
Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines.
"No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my
appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to
go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make
you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take
a couple of minutes." Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this
Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says,
"Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
5. Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her
husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis. And,
to her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but
notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash
out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally,
one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him
applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not
my wife...She's not my wife..."
6. A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor
were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall
coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" "What's the
matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We
weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every
morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same
thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself.
With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to
himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down
there!"
7. A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their
relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she
accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her
chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her
measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like
a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter. Come
the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple
checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride
was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed
waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession
about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry, honey," he said. She took
her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.
He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his
confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off, the
new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was
like a baby." "It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"
8. A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands
constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut
down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest
of their marriage. While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of
paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for
sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only
have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of
our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand
where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding
of you."
On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the
note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be
understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it. Upon
returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note
has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I
didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm
sorry. I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing
at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make
sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you
upstairs."
9. A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in
which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure
to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he
took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to
the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought
she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her
husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss
there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,
he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let
him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After
more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked
what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have
a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance
much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked
really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with
unashamed sarcasm. "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother,
apparently he had the time of his life."
10. This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband
comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to
go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she
hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes
in.
He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?'' Thinking quickly, the wife says,
''Uhm...waiting for you.'' The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief
and says, ''But you're naked.'' Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was
waiting for you.'' The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to
jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!'' The wife tries to stop him but
he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the
bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping. The
husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?'' He replied, ''I'm the
exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with
moths.'' The husband looks him over and says,''But you're naked.'' The
man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards.''
11. A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of
the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging
between my husbands legs?" The doctor replies "We call that the penis."
The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of
the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks
"What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the
penis?"
The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the
cheeks of my ass!"
12. One day, a man noticed that a new couple had moved into the house
next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in
the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair
of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as
possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more.
Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and
waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me,"
the man stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife
is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really
struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten
thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to
deck our poor man when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him
inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return,
and ask the man to step inside. "Okay," the husband says gruffly, "For ten
thousand dollars, you can kiss my wife's tits." At this, the wife unbuttons
her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. The man takes
one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total
ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls. "I can't," replies the man,
still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry
now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars!"
13. A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join
their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you
have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this
group."
The man says O.K. He is stripped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his
penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to
join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells
are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is
given this chance. The woman walks by again and again the man's bell
rings again.
The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for
this organization." As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other
nine bells start ringing!
14. Blowjob Etiquette for men - kindly written by a woman:
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard
practice to cum on someone's face.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally,
around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?
16. The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss,
instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked
absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and
turned out she was an engineer-in- training and wanted me to tutor her.
One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild
gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your
eyes so red?" "Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and
had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started
thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too." "I see." chided the
boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so
ragged ?" "Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times
a day for four days and not look like this."
17. A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of
just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try
rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in
and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife also. The
doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will
wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be
embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later
white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks
what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
18. A man was driving home late one night and was feeling very horny. As
he passed a pumpkin patch, his mind started to wander. He thought to
himself, "You know, a pumkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no
one around here for miles." He pulled over to the side of the road picked
out a nice juicy-looking pumkin, cut the appropriate size hole in it, and
began to do the pumpkin. After a while, he is really into it, so he doesn't
notice the police car pull up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me
sir, but do you realize that you are having sex with a pumpkin?" The man
looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, " A pumpkin? Is
it midnight already?"
19. A Scottish old timer (Jeremy Saxton at 65) in Scotland was sitting in a
bar, talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see
that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with
me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-theFence-Builder? Nooo.." "Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here
at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface
down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard
labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder?
Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to
sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I
built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But
do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks
around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya
fuck one goat..."
20. A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.
First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon
catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he
catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's
interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She
agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very
talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He
congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he
sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and
competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for
a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you
how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she
shows him her appreciation. The next morning he spies her at the first tee
and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and
slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a
magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight,
competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last hole, again he
drives her home and again she shows her appreciation. This goes on all
week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his
male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon
round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise
the island with his pals right behind him. They catch the gorilla, each guy
grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He
climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty. The gorilla fights
and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she wraps it around Garry's
back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry's waist.
She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him
in harder and harder.
Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!! They said, "You're on
top, we can't get her off of you." Garry said..."No, I mean the bag..I want
to kiss the bitch!"
24. This guy walks into a bar and 2 steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but
doesn't really care cause he really wants a drink. When the gay waiter
approaches and says to the customer: "What's the name of your penis?"
the customer says: "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The
gay waiter says: "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name
of your penis". So the customer say: "All right, what's the name of your
penis?" The waiter says: "NIKE... you know, JUST DO IT". The customer
thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is SECRET". The
waiter says: "Secret?" The customer says: "Yeah... STRONG ENOUGH
FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMEN!!!"
25. A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched
by
a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't
get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to
him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow!"
comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have
ever seen!" Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts
to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the
little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the
man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the
request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and
says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
26. There were three guys on a building and they all jumped off. One of
them were white, one of them were mexican, and the other one was
black. They all went to hell. When they got to hell the devil told them that if
he grabs their dick and it doesnt melt he would let them go back to earth
and live again.
The white guy got up on the throne and the devil held his dick. His dick
melted. The devil told him he was going to burn in hell forever. The
mexican guy got up there and the devil held his dick. His dick melted. The
devil told him he was going to burn in hell forever. The black guy got up
there and the devil held his dick. His dick didnt melt. The devil was
suprised to see that his dick didnt melt. The devil then asked why his dick
didnt melt. The black guy says, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your
hand."
27. A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000
and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the
newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I
hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About
35" was the reply. "I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really
happy.
After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving,
he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29"
This makes him feel really good. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks
an old woman the same question. She replies "I am 85 years old and my
eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for
ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." Being as there was
nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand
down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years
old." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The
old lady replies, "I was behind you in the Fish & Chip shop".
28. Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom.
Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed.
"Wasn't always that way," the buddy says. "It's a transplant. I had it done
over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand dlooars, but as you can see, it's
well worth every cent." So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day.
Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, "I
took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a
thousand." They go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," his
buddy says, "That's my old one!"
29. A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we
have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on
our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and
we're ready to go on the trucks." "From now on," he said, "we're going to
run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip
naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3,
we're going to make love all night." The next night the fireman came home
from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2,"
and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After
two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband
asks. "Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
30. In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the
Head
of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00,
they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to
give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study,
France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of
research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more
pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2
weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a
man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
31. 3 guys are in hell. One, a Jew, the second, a thief and the third, a gay.
God tells them they can go back to earth if they stop doing what they did
before.
They all agree and go back. The thief comes back right in front of a
jewelry store and steals something. He goes back to hell. The Jew finds a
coin and bends over to pick it up he goes to hell. At the same time so
does the gay!
32. Here's A Puzzle for You:
Schwarzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The Pope has one but doesn't use it,
simple, all you need to do is wear it like a normal ring and bump into
people and let them apologise, once this happens your penis will grow a
few inches each time it happens" the shopkeeper said. The man thanked
the shopkeeper and as soon as he was out of the store and on the street
he couldnt wait to try it.
Slipping the ring on his finger he found that a little old lady was walking his
way and he purposely bumped into her and she apologised. Slowly he felt
something strange happen to his penis and sure enough he felt it grow a
few inches in his pants. I cant beleive it ,it works like a charm, the man
thought.
Next he bumped into a young man walking his dog and sure enough the
young man apogised and again he felt his penis grow a little more, the
man was over the moon. The man then saw an old indian man also
walking his way and again bumped into him. The old indian man looked up
at the man who had bumped into him and placed his hand upon his
shoulder in gester and said. "A thousand apologies my good man"
35. Boudreaux went to the store and bought him a pair of patent leather
shoes. After seeing how mirror looking they were, he decided to go to the
dance. He asked one lady to dance. He then tells her, "You are wearing
red panties." She asks how does he know? He looks down at his patent
leather shoes. He then asks another lady to dance. He says, "You are
wearing blue panties." She asks how does he know this? He then looks
down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks Clotilde to dance. He looks
at his patent leather shoes about five times. He asks Clotilde if she is
wearing any panties.. She replies, "No" He says, "Thank God, I thought
my patent leather shoes were cracked."
36. These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years.
One
day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we
had some sex so you oughta let me screw you." Joe replied. "Are you
crazy?!!" Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and
we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first. So, Joe thought about it for
a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having
strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry
told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it
feels good start singing."
and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to
a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny, weenie
member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think
this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the
matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No
problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With
each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively
long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still
pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With
each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement
is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into
bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their
normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike
asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was
pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got
was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
40. A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for
company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful,
so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely. The pig starts
to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the
Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One
day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it
turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a
beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into
his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to
walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't
know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just
name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my
dog for a walk?"
41. Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked
her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this,
but when we have sex, you give me splinters!" Pinocchio was devastated.
He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have
sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?" Gepetto says,
"What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day,
and that'll solve the problem." About a month later, Gepetto ran into
Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked.
"Are you still having problems with the girls?" "Girls?" Pinocchio asked.
"Who needs girls?"
42. A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic
condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he
announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?",
she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he
replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear
tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The
wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came
second for a change!"
43. A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that
she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told
her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if
that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The
woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?!"
44. A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close
to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes
into her supervisor's office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she
wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man. The supervisor is
puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker
telling you your hair smells nice? The woman replies, "He's a midget!"
45. Why Studying Is Better Than Sex:
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you
left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has
opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book
teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
roommate for help!
46. A favour:
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this
so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can
already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you
would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy
my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I
need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can
feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's
very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so. Do you
have a piece of gum?!
47. This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I
think my dick is just too damn small" he says. The doctor asks him which
drink he prefers. Well, American beer" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American
beers.. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow." Two
months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He
shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink
Guinness?" asked the doctor. "Oh no, Doc" replies the man, "but I've got
the wife on American beer!"
48. Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and
jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and
admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except
one part and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach,
completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one
part sticking out. Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one
looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world." The other
little old lady says, "What do you mean?" The first little old lady says,
"Look at that." "When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it." "When I was
20 years old, I was curious about it." "When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed
it." "When I was 40 years old, I asked for it." "When I was 50 years old, I
paid for it." "When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it." "When I was 70
years old, I forgot about it." "And now that I'm 80, the damned things are
growing wild!!"
49. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy, who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts!
50. At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from
Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze,
and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden,
we call it a hug too." A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and
says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we
call it a kiss too." Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he
takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and
says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in
Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in
it!"
51. Seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord
had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit
Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he
had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be
very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like
that ability?"
Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It
seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me
have that ability. I would be forever grateful." Eve just smiled and shook
her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so
badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to
urinate while standing up. And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to
urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover
gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..!"
52. Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent
the last ten years perfecting his stroke." The second woman said, "My
husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he
gives me several hundred exciting laps." The third woman was silent until
she was asked, "Tell us about your husband." She thought for a moment
and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quartermiler."
"How so?" "He's got his time down to under 40 seconds!"
53. A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice
neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out
on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then,
another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the
door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the
door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel"
replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having
a yard sale today!"
54. Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex
anymore.
Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't
prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly
to Hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and
removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are
experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't
give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one." "I don't know, doc;
she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um...
okay." Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his
wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to
bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket
and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates,
then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did
say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill
into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy
their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure
enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs
deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep,
throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use
before, she says, "I... need...a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands
tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."
55. A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The
man sneezes and then starts screaming with ecstasy and pleasure. A few
minutes pass. The man sneezes again, and again screams as if he had
just had the best sexual intercourse of his life. The woman is about to go
nuts. A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again, and again is
fully aroused. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man
and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've acted as if
youv'e had great sex! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man
replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now
feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The man
looks at her and says, "Pepper."
56. An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her
new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night
they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow
could overexert himself. After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed
and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock
comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal
union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she
prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock
on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again
successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and
leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to
sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and
there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again,
they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young
bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough
juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age
who were only good for one.' The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her
yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high
school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarrassedly
says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends
him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle
4!"
60. Question: What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in
common?
Answer: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand!
61. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of
tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy
there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored
six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare
hands." The second can't stand to be bested, "Why that's nothing. I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare
hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm
still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals
with his penis!
62. This newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to
have sex:
Wife: Before we do this, I have something I have to tell you.
Husband: We're married now, you can tell me anything.
Wife: Im flat chested.
Husband: I don't believe u, prove it. So she takes off her shirt.
Husband: Holy shit I never seen a smaller chest, but I have something I
have to tell you too.
Wife: We're married now, you can tell me anything.
Husband: I m "weighed like a baby".
Wife: I don't believe you, prove it. So he takes off his pants.
Wife: I thought you said you were weighed like a baby?!
Husband: I am 6lbs 7ounces!
63. A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for
a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it,
that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The
co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get
home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently
pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and
believe me; she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So
the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that
night, he sneaked into the house; slid down under the sheets, gently slid
down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned
with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so
he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to
the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very
surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he
asked. "Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "You'll wake-up my mother!"
64. How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an
airline stewardess? A teacher says we got to do this over and over again
till we get it right. A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit. And an airline
steward ness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe
normally!
65. An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind
him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common!
66. A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her
daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother
thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in
love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and
hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,
That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommys vagina. Thats how
you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but
the other night when I came into your room you had daddys penis in your
mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry!"
67. A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of
drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the
bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he
takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there,
baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man
drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his
bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is
aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and she
grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her
before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a
hurry to leave?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a
short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
68. A huge half-drunk thug walks into a bar and shouts, "You all on the left
side of the bar are cock suckers and you all on the right side are mother
fuckers." Suddenly a man ran from the right to the left side of the bar.
"Where are you going, squirt?" The big man asked. "I was on the wrong
side of the bar, sir!"
69. Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance
to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went
to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he
said. "If you guess right, you win free sex." "Okay," agreed one of the
guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the
attendant. The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the
attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second guy. "Sorry,
it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again." As they walked
out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is
rigged." "No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."
70. A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is
really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months
later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the
parachute jump go, son?" Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to
jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is
a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the
plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12-incher!" Father says, "Well,
Son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first" said the son.
71. There were two twins, Tom and Harry. Tom was the owner of an old
dilapidated boat. It just so happened that Harrys wife died the same day
Toms boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Tom and
mistaking him for Harry said Im sorry to hear about your loss. You must
be feeling terrible. Tom, thinking she was talking about his boat said
Fact is Im sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from
the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old
dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the
back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole
got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off
was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I
warned them she wasnt very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow.
The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle
The old woman fainted hearing all this.
72. An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day
the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the
jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor
asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen,
the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The
doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
73. Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead
in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its
legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters
dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the
air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's
great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work,
Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom
today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from
school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat
on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm
coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have
lost her for sure!"
74. He came into my room late at night. He sat over my body, He sucked,
swallowed and he left. It was terrible. It was a BLOODY MOSQUITO!
75. What starts with a 'C', ends with a 'T', and is hairy on the outside and
moist on the inside? .. Coconut.... What were you thinking?
76. A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch
doctor. The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle,
and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once
a year. Just say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've
ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three,
four' and it will disappear for 12 months." Later that night as the man is
lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two,
three!" His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is
amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say 'one,
two, three' for?"
77. On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The
new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful
robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can
open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful,
let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers,
"Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She
smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to
shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do
you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe
and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and
asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
78. Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they
find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn
off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign
really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns
out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let
loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up
my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know
what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and
saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
81. A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks
by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his
erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call
for me?" Bob replies "No, what do you mean" She says: "You must be
new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it
implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a
pool, lies down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her
and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the
facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a
huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the
steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob
replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man says: "You must be new
here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge
man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his
way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office.
The smiling naked receptionist greets him: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining
fee."
Receptionist:"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only
saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month,
but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
82. A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting,
he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the
page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in
which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles,
and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says,
"Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on
her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and
proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig
keeps squealing, I can't tell."
83. Bob goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my
penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination, the doctor
tells him, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base
of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing we can do for you
unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment." Bob asks sadly,
"What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor says, "what we should do is
take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in
your penis." Bob thinks about it silently and says, "Well, the thought of
going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation, Bob was given the green light to use his
improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and
took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner,
he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being
uncomfortable. To release the pressure, Bob unzipped his fly. His penis
immediately sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a
roll and returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first and then
said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?" Bob
replied,"Well I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass".
84. Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to
the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob is standing there taking care of
business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a
leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him
out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you. The man
asks, Can you unzip my zipper? Bob says, OK Then the man says,
Can you pull it out for me? Bob replies, UH, yeah, OK... Bob pulls it out
and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point
it for him, and bob points it for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and
zips it up. The guy tells Bob, Thanks, Man, I really appreciate it. Bob
says, No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis? The guy
pulls his arms out of shirt and says, I don't know, but I AIN'T TOUCHING
IT...
85. A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too
embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half and sends her the top half. Later he receives another letter
asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another
picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is
really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't
notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It
says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your
nose look too short!"
86. Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get two hookers for their
21st birthday. So the two grab two hookers, rent a hotel room, turn off the
lights and proceed to partake in the festivities. The first midget gets so
nervous that he can't get it up. After two hours of coaxing and stroking and
praying, he throws the sheets over himself and gives up. To makes things
worse for the poor little fella, was that he had to listen to his brother say,
''One, two, three. Ugh! One, two, three. Ugh!'' all night long. In the
morning, the second midget greets his brother and asks him how his night
went? The first brother replies, ''Man, it was terrible. I couldn't even get
my shit up.'' The second brother replies, ''You couldn't get it up? I couldn't
even get on the bed."
87. Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have
special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having
sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two
weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at
all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the
pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were
you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The
first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch
for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to
the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple
and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well
Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young
man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was
reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent
over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her
right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be
welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young
man, "We're not welcome at Tescos anymore either."
88. A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks
the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500
for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No
hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that
Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block
further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own
them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the
hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A
short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just
experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so
amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies,
"$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A
televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step
over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the
street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of
that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or
so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed
more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly
got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for
one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How
much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window,
I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las
Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces,
and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole
city?" "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
89. An old man and a old woman met at an retirement home. They had
been dating for quite some time now and one day the old man asks, "If I
pull out my penis, would you hold it?" The women agrees and so everyday
they would sit on a bench in the garden and the woman would hold the
man's penis. One day the woman went to the garden early and found the
man with another woman. She approached the man and asked what the
other woman has that she doesn't. The man replied gleefully
"Parkinsons"!
90. Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely
young woman in a robe. She says, "Santa, how about giving me a special
present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom." Santa responds
"Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the
children you know." The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a
skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've
got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I
know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable." Santa
responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to
the children you know." Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee,
revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might
add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your
gift." Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up
the chimney with my dick this way!"
91. One day, a priest went into a public bathroom to use the cubical. While
he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him.
He stood up to look over, and there was a young man, sitting on the toilet
playing with himself. The priest was shocked. He told the young man that
he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for
marriage.
The young man agreed to this only because it was coming from a
priest. About a week later, the priest ran into the young man at the mall
and asked him how he was doing with his problem. The young man
replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"
92. A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at
it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window,
takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps
back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the
performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second
encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the
window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other
side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is
amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore,
she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to
the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...
and finds four Chinese men.
93. One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he
finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on! So he goes up
to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing
any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do." Jimmy then says "Well,
why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?" His grandpa looks at
Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt
to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."
94. A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices
stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've
been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll
have to cut it off." The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East
they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in
Thailand. The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around
in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other
doctors?" The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA." The doctor says, "I
bet they told you it had to be cut off." The man answers, "Yes!" The
doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
95. Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands
are freezing!" She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm
them up." Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back
and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again,
"Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and
again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the
night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really
freezing!" She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get
cold?"
98. A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and
immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks
the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head
between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing
what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to
try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING
fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again"
she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one
loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you
going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67
more of those, you're crazy !!!"
99. John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office.
After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300
people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and
invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started,
John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.
He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost
every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how
many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were
raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a
few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he
noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his
face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him
how often he had sex. The guy said, Once a year!
To John's dismay, he responds, Why are you so happy getting sex only
once a year The grinning guy responds, "Tonights the night!"
100. Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and
during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male
patients was masturbating. "Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful,
what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am
sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition
where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is
doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die" "Oh, I
am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition
existed." On the same floor they soon passed another room where a
young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient. "Oh my
God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?" The doctor replied,
"Same problem, better health plan."
101. A guy from Glasgow took a vacation to Aberdeen. While there, he
met up with a prostitute. After sex, the prostitute said: "100 pounds." The
guy handed her a 200 bill. The prostitute responded: "You're so
kind." Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same prostitute again
and had sex again.
The prostitute asked for 100, but the guy again says: "No, here's 200."
The prostitute says: "You're so kind." More days pass, and the guy met up
with the prostitute one last time to have sex. The prostitute says: "100,
please."
The guy hands her 200. The prostitute says: "you're so kind. Where are
you from?" He answers: "I'm from Glasgow." The prostitute says: "I am
from there too!." The guy says: "I know, your mum sent me to give you
600."
102. A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The
bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want
to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a
question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly.
He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I
was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help
and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a
genie and grant you 3 wishes". So I looked around to make sure I was
alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful,
voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked
down at my scrawny 115-pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold
Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! There I
was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there
naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make
sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, lay down, and
beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next
to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into
my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked
at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
103. An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to
feel your breasts!" "Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied. "I
want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said. "Twenty
dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I
will give you $100!" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "$200", he
offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and
said, "I said NO!" "$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She
thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a
lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute." She loosened her
bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands
underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ...
OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ..." while he was caressing them. Out of
curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my
God'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD
... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going
to get $500?"
104. In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month
trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there
would be no women on the ship. "Don' you worry about it, lad. We'll make
sure your needs are taken care of." After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad
had a bone that wouldn't go away, so he went to ask the captain how to
take care of it. "Aye, lad, 'ere's ya key. Go open up the door under the
ladder. In there you'll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert
your manhood. I think you'll find this arrangement satisfactory." The lad
went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got
his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key
the next five nights in a row. On the sixth night, the captain said, "Not
tonight, laddie; it's your turn in the barrel."
105. A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his
wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a
nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his
young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that
all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to
satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some
advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my
young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" The doctor smiled,
patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of
self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that
you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that
will help." Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let
him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he
arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling, I'm going to ravish you," she
cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's
advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone
walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon
he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the
truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A
moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes
tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy." A few
minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he
felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to
avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" "Sir, I'm with the
Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" "Yes,
officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well,
you should've checked the brakes, your truck rolled down the hill a few
minutes ago."
106. Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them
could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would
be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel
rooms. The more boastful of the two ... went right to it and made love to
his date ... leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall ... Feeling sprightly,
he went again ... and once again at the completion of the act ... marked
another "l" on the wall - next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag
... he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing ... fell asleep. Awakened by the
sun's rays coming in the window ... he quickly grab his lady and did it one
more time ... and marked another "l" on the wall ... Just at that time ... His
friend enters ... and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims: "DAMN a hundred and eleven ... beat me by three ..."
107. A six-year old boy was the only survivor of a sinking ocean liner; he
made it to an uninhabited island in the South Pacific and learned to live on
his own over the course of the years. Much later, a fancy yacht sank and
a beautiful young woman came swimming up to his island. He pulled her to
shore, delighted to finally have some company. She asked him, "How have
you gotten along here by yourself?" "I've found different plants to eat, I dig
for clams, and I occasionally can spear a fish in the lagoon." "How long
have you been here?" "Almost twenty years." "Well, you probably never
even knew about sex, then, did you?" "What's that?" So she shows him.
Afterwards she asked him what he thought about what they'd just
accomplished. He said, "Well, it was just fine, but look at what it did to my
clam digger."
108. A happily married man, Irving Topper, found himself driving through a
badly paved country road in upstate Rhinebeck, New York. A sudden flat
tire sent the car wobbling to a standstill. The lights in a nearby health
manor invited Topper to rap on the door. An attractive lady opened the
door and asked what she could do for him. He told her his problem and
wondered if he could seek the shelter of her house until dawn, whe he
would repair the flat. The lady agreed and invited him into her parlor. One
word led to another; one drink let to another; one touch led to another.
Irving Topper was soon divested of his clothes and snuggling in the lady's
bed with an equally naked lady. In the morning Topper thanked her for her
hospitality, told her his name was Herman Thompson, changed his tire,
and drove off. About six months later, Topper received a call from his
friend Herman Thompson. "Hey," said Thompson, "did you ever give my
name to a lady in Rhinebeck, New York?" "Well, yes" answered Topper.
"You know I am a married man, and I have a lovely wife and child. I gave
her your name because you're a bachelor, and I didn't want any
complications. I hope I didn't get you into any trouble." "No, no, on the
contrary," replied his friend. "Her lawyer called me to inform me that I had
inherited the manor and the lady's entire estate!"
109. It's annual superheroes new years party. Batman and Spiderman are
chatting. All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed. "Whats
up" asked Batman? "Well i was upstairs looking for the toilet and i passed
the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and
groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on
top of her!" "Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman. "Yes but not as
surprised as The Invisible Man!"
110. Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're
walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the
door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the
lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says,
"Sure, if you have sex with me." The first man replies, "I would rather die
in this desert, then have sex with you." The second man wants to live and
agree's to do the deed. He and the women enter the shack, leaving the
first man outside. The women says, "Well, let's do it!" The man agrees to
start but only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and
sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, uses it on her and
throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it
again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally
satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man
calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them
some water. The friend replies, "The hell with the water, I want some
more of that buttered corn."
111. A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their
home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me
how much she adored me." "Ah, last night," the Italian said, "I made love
to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet
and told me she could never love another man." When the American
remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did
you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once!?"
the Italian arrogantly snorted while the Frenchman laughed. "And what did
she say to you this morning?" "She said, 'I guess we would better stop -it's time to get up.'"
112. One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him
and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed
for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and
he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan
you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took
off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here,"
she said, pointing, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth,
stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane
rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did
you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
113. Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled
into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started
getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I
am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except
me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be
punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The Sheik turns to
the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the
first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik. He then
turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a
firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the
last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man
answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
114. Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.
He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you
know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an
erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well,"
says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her
out, and she agreed." "That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going
out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to
my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her
doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever
saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar
again.) "I kicked her in the face."
115. A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a
gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a
serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a
shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree
and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained
Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla
instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the
handcuffs on" "Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun
for?" "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the
Chihuahua."
116. Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them
asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an
excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man confesses that his
sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other
man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital. "Well," answered the
man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye
bread, your sex life will improve dramatically." The other man decides to
follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the
counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in
stock. The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you
want us to slice them?" The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what
is the difference?" The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets
harder faster." To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew
about this but me?"
117. A young man goes to a whorehouse to experience his first taste of
sex. The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a
try.
The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the
young man on what to do. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts. The
man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again. A
moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues. Once more
she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She
asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66
of those!"
118. Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their
favorite sex positions. One says, Ever have rodeo sex? Aint heard of
that one, says the other cowboy. What is it? Well, you get the girl down
on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and
cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, Boy, these feel just like your sisters!
130. The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't
know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK,
Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison'
and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner
in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying
face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride
giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side,
he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time
they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly
enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile,
"Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with
the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the
bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Simply
turning his head, He YELLS at her, Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
131. A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack,"
cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance,
but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!
Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The
man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is
his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor. "You b*stard," the
man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around
naked scaring the kids!"
132. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front
of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I
wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as
the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied,
"It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
mine...
136. Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a
condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the
door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad
stoops over to cover up his d*ck and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm
just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha
gonna do, f*ck it?"
137. A man goes to a bar in London for a couple of drinks, as he is sitting
alone and drinking, he notices a sexy woman sitting in a corner, alone and
staring at him. He gulps down a couple of neats and gathering courage
goes upto her and says, Excuse me...I'm Jerry from Baker Street. "Can I
sit here and buy you a drink?" The woman agrees and soon both of them
are drinking away like good old friends. Then after everything is through
Jerry and the lady walk out of the bar. Again gathering courage and
slightly drunk, he asks her, "Excuse me, can we have s*x please?" The
lady says, Well I don't mind, but you see I'm on my menstrual cycle." "No
problem" says Jerry, "You proceed on your menstrual cycle, I will follow
you in my Honda Civic!"
138. Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you,
fella?", asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward
replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw
it?" "It was at the end of this key", Edward replies. At this point the cop
looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers. The
cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing
yourself? Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got
Julie too!!! "
139. In the morning Little Johnny says to his father, "Daddy last night I had
my first s*xual encounter." His father looks at him proudly and says, "When
are you planniing to do it again?" "I don't know daddy ever since it
happened my ass has been hurting like crazy."
140. Maths is like sex! ADD the bed, MINUS the clothes, DIVIDE the legs,
146. A duck walked into a bar and asked, "Have you got any olives?" The
bartender says, "No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives." "Oh,"
says the duck and leaves. Five minutes later, the duck returns and say to
the same barman, "Have you got any olives?" "I told you before, we have
cherries and grapes, but WE DON'T HAVE OLIVES!" says the
barman. "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Another five minutes later, the
duck comes back the third time and again asks, "Have you got any
olives?" "Look, " screams the barman, "For the last time WE HAVE NO
OLIVES! We will never have ANY OLIVES and if you ask me once more, I
am going to nail your webbed feet to the floor!!!" "Oh," said the duck and
left. Five minutes later, the door opened and there was the duck. The
barman is absolutely furious. He slams a bottle of beer on the bar, stares
at the duck and screams. "WHAT NOW???!!" "Uh...uh...have ...you
...got...any....NAILS?" asked the duck. "Nails? Nails? No, we havent got
any nails," answered the barman. "Okay," said the duck, "So, have you got
any olives!?"
147. Three birds walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
Bird watcher 1: What sort of bird is that?
Bird watcher 2: A gulp.
Bird watcher 1: A gulp? Ive never heard of one of them before.
Bird watcher 2: It's a bit like a swallow, only bigger!
149. An elderly man answered his door bell. He found a friend and a huge
dog standing on the porch. Come in, he said heartily, Come in. So the
friend entered, followed by the dog. During the next hour, the dog knocked
over an expensive vase, chased the hosts cat up the stairs and crashed
into a grandfathers clock. Finally the dog fell down in the best chair in the
living room. When the guest rose to leave, his host handed him his coat
and hat in great relief. But when he started out without the dog, the host
asked sarcastically, Arent you forgetting your dog? Dog? asked hid
friend, I have no dog. I thought he was yours!
150. Customer: How much for this dog?
Dog dealer: $5000
Customer: :Is not that too much?
Dog dealer: Is not the dog wonderful?
Customer: Yes, the dog may be too wonderful but is he faithful also?
Dog dealer: Yes sir! He had been faithful, I have sold him seven times
and he had always been back within 12 hours!
151. Angry man with dog, to pet-shop owner: You sold me this stupid dog
as a watchdog. Yesterday, a robber broke into my home and stole $300
and this miserable animal did not make any sound.
Pet-shop owner: My dear sir, this dog used to belong to very wealthy
people. He does not react to such small amounts!
152. A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing." "What do they say?" the priest asks. They say, "Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?!" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,
then he thought for a moment. "You know, I have two male talking parrots
that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over
to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My
parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time. "Thank you," the woman
said, "this may be the solution." The next day, she brought her female
parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two
male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a
few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do
you want to have some fun? There was stunned silence. Shocked, one
male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the
beads away, Frankie, our prayers have been answered!"
153. A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to
be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I
haven't got the energy." 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients." The pheasant
pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after
a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,
emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. Moral
of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!
154. Why do you come with an empty bucket? You should have got milk
from the cow, the farmer asked his servant. Of course, she gave four
liters of milk and a good kick to the bucket!
155. A man came to a friends house, and his friends dog rushed and
began to bark ferociously. The man was very much frightened but his
friend said, He will not bite. You know the old proverb, a barking dog
never bites. Yes, the man said, I know the proverb and you know the
proverb, but are you sure the dog knows the proverb!?
156. Question: Which day of the week is most hated by fish?
Answer: Fry Day!
157. A Turtle was walking along a New York street when it was attacked
by a group of snails. When asked what happened, the Turtle told Police, I
have no idea. It all happened so quickly!
158. Question: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
Answer: So that they can stamp out fires!
Question: Why is it that elephants have flat feet?
Answer: So that they can stamp out burning ducks!
159. My brother was driving along the road the other day with ten
penguins in the back seat. He was stopped by the police who told him that
he couldnt drive around with ten penguins in the car and that he ought to
take them to a zoo. My brother agreed with the police officer and drove
off. The following day, my brother was driving along the same road still
with ten penguins in the back and again. He got stopped by the same
police officer who said, I told you to take those penguins to the zoo. My
brother replied, I did. But today, I'm taking them to the cinema!
160. Why did the chicken cross the road?
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
under the chicken depends on its point of reference!
Plato: For the greater good!
Hippocrates: Because there was an excess of phlegm in its pancreas!
Spencer Johnson, MD: To find who moved its cheese!
161. A guest have visited Mollys house. She gave her a plate of biscuits.
Just after that, her dog started to bark at the guest. Guest: Why is the
dog barking at me? Molly: Actually, its his food. Dont worry, I am
holding him. You better finish it quickly!
162. There are three ants swimming. Two ants are swimming regularly but
third ant put his left hand up and swimming why? Because the ant's watch
is not water proof!
163. What do you find in a beach where ants go? Micro-waves!
164. Which degree did the dog get? A pedigree!
165. Which bird wrote a book? A Penguin!
166. Which bird is the weightlifting champion? A Crane!
167. Which dog do vampires like? Bloodhound!
168. How do fireflies say tata? Got to glow now!
169. How do you pull out your front teeth for free? Smack a donkey's
back!
170. Which dog will tell you the time? A watch dog!
171. Why do humming birds hum? Because they dont know the lyrics!
172. Why do animals fly south during the winter? Because they cant walk
so far!
173. Why did the chicken cross the dirty road two times? Because it was
a dirty double-crosser!
174. Why did the chicken cross the road? To reach the other side of
course!
175. How do you give a tail to a Doberman? Take it to a 'retail' store!
176. Whats the difference between a cat and a comma? A 'Cat' has the
paws before the claws while a 'Comma' has the clause before the pause!
177. Male vampire bat goes in search of blood to drink and returns in 2
minutes with lots of blood in its mouth.
Female Bat: How did you manage to get so much blood in 2 minutes?
Male Bat: Do you see the black wall over there?
Female Bat: Yeah.
Male Bat: Well, I didnt!
178. Cow 1: Did you see the news? The mad cow disease is affecting
many cows making them to go mad.
Cow 2: Yeah, I saw it on TV. Thankfully, it wont affect us donkeys!
179. Two male dog owners are bragging about how wonderful their
respective hounds are. First dog owner says, My dog is so clever that he
waits by the front door every morning for the delivery boy to put the
newspaper through the letterbox and then bring it to me in the kitchen to
read whilst I eat breakfast. I know said the second dog owner smugly,
my dog told me!
180. I took my pet Alsatian to the vet last week and said to him, I think
my dog is slightly cross-eyed can you do anything for him? The vet
examined him and said, I must put him down. What - because he is
cross eyed? No replied the vet, because he is far too heavy!
181. An owl went to send a telegram and wrote, Hoot Hoot, Hoot Hoot,
Hoot Hoot. The clerk looked at the form and said, You've only six words
here, you can have three more for the same fee. The owl looked at the
clerk and said dismissively, But that wouldn't make any sense if I did
that!
182. I went into our local pet shop the other day and asked the attendant
if I could by a goldfish. The female assistant said, Would you like an
aquarium? I replied, It doesnt matter to me what its star sign is!
183. Question: Where do cats go when they lose their tails?
Answer: A good retail store!
184. Question: Why did a cat pour oil over a mouse?
Answer: Because it was squeaking a lot!
185. Question: Why was an entire jury of cats dismissed by the judge?
Answer: They had all been found guilty of purr jury!
186. Question: What is another name for a cat that swallows a duck?
Answer: Duck filled fatty puss!
187. My friend Bob went to a bar last week and sat beside a man who
had a dog sat by him. Has your dog ever bitten anyone? Bob asked.
No replied the man. The dog then jumped up and bit Bob on the arm.
You lied; you said your dog had never bitten anyone cried Bob. I know,
that isnt my dog! came the reply.
188. I think my dog must be going fishing" Johnny said to his Dad. What
gave you that idea, Son? he asked. Well, Mum said that he had got
worms!
189. Three dogs are chatting at the local vets. First dog says, I'm here
because I chewed all the shoes in my master's house! The Second dog
exclaimed, I peed all over my master's 3,000 persian rug! Dog number
3 says, My owners a woman who enjoys doing the housework naked, so
as she bent over, I decided to go for one ride of a lifetime! So that's why
she's sent you here? asked the two other dogs. Oh no, I'm just here for
my nails clipping!
190. A mother mouse is walking along the road with her baby when
suddenly a cat jumps out and attacks them. Instantly, the mother mouse
shouts loudly, BARK at which point the cat ran off. There, you see said
the mother mouse to her baby, that is why learning a foreign language is
so important!
191. I was driving along a country lane last weekend when a chicken ran
past my car at 60 km per hour. I tried in vain but was unable to keep up
with it. I saw it turn into the farmyard and so I followed it in. I was amazed
when I saw the yard full of chickens all with three legs. I shouted to the
farmer, That is amazing. All these chickens with three legs. Yes, I breed
them like that because I and my wife love drumsticks said the farmer. Do
three legged chickens taste good? I enquired. No idea replied the
farmer, I havent managed to catch one so far!
192. A mouse and a cat arrive at the gates of heaven at exactly the same
time. St.Peter asks the mouse, Do you like heaven? Its Okay replied
the mouse, But could I have some roller blades? No problem said St.
Peter and handed the mouse his roller blades. The following day, St. Peter
asked the cat, Do you like heaven? I love it replied the cat, You even
have meals on wheels here!
193. I followed a man with his dog from the movie theatre last night and
said to him, You have an amazing dog there. I was watching him through
the film and he was laughing and crying in all the right places. Isn't that
really unusual? It is he replied, considering he absolutely hated the
book!
194. One summer afternoon, a chicken and a pig were strolling along and
came across a church that was having an event for charity. Being good
animals, they thought that they should offer to help in some way. I've got
an idea said the chicken, Lets offer them something. Like what?
replied the pig. How about Ham and Eggs? said the chicken. No way; to
you that may be an offering but to me, that is a sacrifice! said the pig as
he ran away.
195. At our local wildlife park, there was one kangaroo who repeatedly
managed to leave the enclosure. Therefore, the zookeepers erected a 15
foot fence. The following morning, they found the kangaroo wandering
around the zoo - it had escaped again. This kept occurring until the fence
was 80 feet high. In the adjoining enclosure was a tiger who asked the
kangaroo, What height do you say they will stop at? About 150 feet
said the kangaroo, or until they remember to lock up at night!
196. A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as
he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, God is watching you.
He then notices a wallet stuffed with dollar bills on the sideboard and as
he picks up the wallet again hears the voice, God is still watching you.
He looks around the room with his torch and spots a parrot in a cage in
the corner of the room. He approaches the parrot and asks, What is your
name? Solomon the parrot replies. Who would be daft enough to call a
parrot Solomon? retorted the burglar. The same person that calls a
Rottweiller God! chuckles the parrot.
197. A chimpanzee went into a bar the other week and ordered a pint of
beer. The barman served him the drink and said, That's $8 please. As
the chimpanzee is giving him the cash, the bartender says, Do you know,
its not often we get chimpanzees in here. Im not surprised at these
prices! replied the chimpanzee.
198. A man goes into a bar with his dog and bets the barman $50 that the
dog can answer his question. So the man says, What do you call the top
of a building? The dog replies, Roof. The barman says, Im not paying
for that. So the man says, Okay double or nothing and asks the dog,
Who is the best baseball player of all time? The dog replies, Ruth.
Thats enough says the barman who picks them both up and throws
them out of the bar. As they hit the ground, the dog turns to his owner and
says, Or maybe DiMaggio!
199. When is it actually unlucky to see a black cat? When you are a
mouse!
200. Ron: I kicked lions face, pulled tigers tail, broke cheetahs leg and
threw an elephant.
this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the
tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place. He decides to
confront the after tiger and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the
butt?" The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer
and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
211. An American and his Czechoslovakian friend were out walking in the
forest. They rounded a corner and right in front of them stood a giant
grizzly bear. Before they could make a move, the bear jumped up and ate
the European. The American turned and ran. He pulled out his cell phone
and called the local forest ranger. In no time, an experienced ranger was
upon the scene and they headed back to find the man eating bear. They
neared the site where the man was eaten. They came upon two bears, a
male and a female. The ranger asked the American which bear ate his
friend. The American replied that it was the male, the bigger of the two.
With that, the fearless ranger pulled out his hunting knife and with one fell
swoop, slashed open the belly of the female, and out popped the man's
friend. "Never trust someone when they say the Czech is in the male!"
212. One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on
bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the
parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the
Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this
much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry" said the
Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you!?"
213. Three racehorses standing around started arguing. The first said,
"I've won 15 out of 20 of my races!" The second said, "Yeah, well I've won
29 out of 30 of my races!" The third said, "Yeah, well I've won 39 out of
40 of my races!"
Then, a greyhound came up and said, "Oh yeah! Well, I've won 99 out of
100 of my races!" The horses glared in amazement. "Wow! A talking
greyhound!"
214. A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a
mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does
a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very
valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two
dollars. The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The
collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch
mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold,"
and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty
dollars I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it
and it'll save me having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy,
but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats!"
215. A woman's dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a
repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she
had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the
check. By the way, dont worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you.
But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered
the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she
had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go
about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot
drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking. Finally the
repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the
bird to be quiet.
The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"
216. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood,
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon
all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where
he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However,
the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said, and
flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a
valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he
slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do
you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all
screamed in a hungry frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"
217. An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says, "Doctor, I need
something for my eyes. I can't see well these days". The doctor fixes him
up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake
comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed. The
doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The
glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose
the past 2 years!"
218. A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and
clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the
Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing
biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly
on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog.
Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe
my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief, "What in
the world kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a
little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your
puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir!"
219. What has four legs and one arm? A pit-bull coming out of a
playground!
220. Did you hear about the crab that went to a crustation party? He
pulled a Mussel and went home!
221. A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority
over his fellow beasts. He strode over to a monkey and roared, "Who is
the Mightiest of Animals?" "You are, Master," said the monkey, cowering.
Then the lion approached a warthog. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?"
roared the lion. "You are, my Lord," said the warthog, quivering with fear.
Next the lion met an elephant. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared
the lion. The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him in the air,
slammed him ten times against a tree trunk, threw him into a dense patch
of thorns, and strolled away. "Okay!" shouted the lion. "There's no need to
turn nasty just because you don't know the answer!"
222. What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When
you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they
want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're
moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm
and a leg.
Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats!
223. What is a Dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most
comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of
food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the
same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They
growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging.
They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys
everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
give you a kiss.
Conclusion: Dogs are men in little fur coats!
224. A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog
down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and
after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The
man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second
opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and
puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks
from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at
the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the
cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man, finally resigned to the
diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers,
"$350." "$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man. "Well," the
vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis.
The additional $300 was for the cat scan!"
225. This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him, the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?"
he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks
up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help
the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had
me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world
leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one
of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really
tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to
settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening
in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch
of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The
guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants the
dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks
the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The
owner replies, "He tells such incredible lies!"
226. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was
and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he
didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, Will!? What will? I'm making
a list of the people I going to bite!"
227. Two whales were swimming around in the ocean, when a ship
appeared. The male suggested to the female that they have some fun and
tip the ship over with their blow holes. She was hesitant at first, but finally
went along with it. Then, he said, since that was so much fun, let's go
back and eat the sailors! To which, she exclaimed, "I went along with you
on the blow-job! But, no! You're not going to get me to eat seamen, too!"
228. A lonely frog, desperate for some form of company telephoned the
Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic
Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will
want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is
great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?" "No" says the psychic,
"in a Biology class!"
229. A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom
am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The
young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes,
you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear
asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes"
said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked
his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real
polar bears." said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
"Because" said the young polar bear, Im fucking freezing!
230. While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the
bathroom all over the blind man's legs. A passerby commented to the blind
man, "What! That dog just pissed all over your legs, and you are petting
him?! Are you crazy?" To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not
petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him!"
231. A preacher is buying a parrot. "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell or
swear?" asked the preacher. "Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the
storekeeper assures him. "Do you see those strings on his legs? When
you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer and when you pull on the
left, he recites the 23rd Psalm." "Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what
happens if you pull both strings?" "I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!"
screeched the parrot.
232. A blind man with a Seeing Eye dog at his side walks into a grocery
store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the
tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store
manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides
to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man
swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something?"
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around!"
233. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building on the
ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. I
had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone. I put
contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them.
Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. I bought a dog the other
day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here,
Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an
East German Shepherd!
234. Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery
and toughness. The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of
rat poison!" The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a
rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later
guys, I'm off home to harass the cat!"
235. A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing
chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I
can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've
ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied, "I've beaten him three games
out of five!"
236. The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a
party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door,
he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the
screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."
Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German
Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing
the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off your
dog before he eats me alive." The only response he got was that same
high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in." Pressing his
body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading
to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for
a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming
quite irritated and said to the parrot, "Darn you, don't you know any words
besides 'Come in?" Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded,
"Sic him!"
237. A young man's mother was now living in Miami Beach and he didn't
see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried
that his mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot,
trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his
dear mother.
A few days later, he called. "Ma, what do you think of the bird?" "The bird
was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer." "You ate the
bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!" "Oh,
excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something
when I put it in the oven!?"
238. A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a
pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the
lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way
home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The
next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady,
you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store
and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager
said, "That's not good" and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the
lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know!"
239. A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library
and say, Buk Buk BUK. The librarian decides that the chickens desire
three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly
thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk
quite vexed and say, Buk Buk BuKKOOK! The librarian decides that the
chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens
leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early
afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, Buk Buk
Buk Buk Bukkooook! The librarian is now a little suspicious of these
chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this
point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two
chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was
saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit...!"
240. After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch
potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer
and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what
she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some
bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with
boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting
bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble
running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her
fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird"
and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony
bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury
attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its
powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the
shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to
the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this
doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the
bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the
sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've
got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored
tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
241. Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other
went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only
wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle
and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast
but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just
as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close
behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,
"You skin this one while I go and get another one!"
242. When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're
making love and you catch something, that's bad. Fish doesn't compare
you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish
you caught. In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving, you lie
about the one you caught. You can catch and release a fish, you don't
have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go. You don't have
to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish. You can catch a fish
on a 20-cent night crawler. If you want to catch a woman, you're talking
dinner and a movie minimum. Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the
middle of fishing!
243. Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put
on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, "Do you want to live with
Papa Bear?" "No" Baby Bear replies, "he beats me." Then the judge asks,
"Do you want to live with Mama Bear?" "No" Baby Bear replies, "she
beats me too."
So the Judge says, "Who do you want to live with then?" Baby Bear
replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don't beat anybody!
244. Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic
female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the
costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the
forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in
front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed
like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What
are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself!"
245. A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off
the tee, he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play
through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan
and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared
disheveled, bloody and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what
happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could
not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He
went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a
yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf
ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look
like yours!?"
246. A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar. The
Farmer mumbles, "Some things I just can't explain." The bartender, who
knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, "What do you mean Jim?" "Well, you
know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue
she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a
piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the
post nearby, but some things I just can't explain," Jim said. "Jim, What do
you mean by that," the Bartender asks. "Well, I commenced to milking her
again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her left back leg.
So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post,
but some things I just can't explain," Jim added. "Jim, tell me what it is you
can't explain and I'll see if I can help," the Bartender said. "Well, after that
I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be
darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any
more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood
up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above.
About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the
barn. That's what I can't explain."
247. A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him
one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the
park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The
next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out
and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He
kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him
home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left,
past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he
thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours
later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the
wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm
lost and need directions!"
248. This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a
parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?" The
salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000." "What does he know?" "He
knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical
expressions."
"How about the second one?" "The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he know?" "He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences,
is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer
programs." Then what is the price for the third one? the buyer is
wondering. "This one costs $20,000." "Really? wonders the excited
buyer, What does he know?" "This one knows absolutely nothing, but the
two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS!'"
249. Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first
man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a
Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the
Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted
over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a
circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his dog could do better and said, "Slide Rule, do your
stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone
agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so
he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up,
walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass
from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was great. The Government Worker called to his
dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his
feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually
assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so,
filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers
Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was
really typical!
250. A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male
gorilla species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an
employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't
very bright.
So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was
approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the
gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some interest, but said he
would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike
announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three
conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I
want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The
zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what
was his third condition. "Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another
This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if
you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!" The man puts his
twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few
minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The
man takes his money and leaves. About a year later, he goes back to the
bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there. "What's the deal now?"
he asks. "Well the bartender says, That damn horse won't stop laughing!
So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the
money!" The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns
a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his
money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him. "Alright" he
says, You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know
how you did it!" The man said, 'I told him my privates are bigger than
his.' 'O.K. but how did you make him cry?'
The man replied, 'I proved it to him.'
254. A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar
and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man
excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward
with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small
talk with them. He asks the first duck, "What's your name?" "Huey" replies
the duck.
"So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day" replies Huey, "I've
been in and out of puddles all day." The bartender asks the second duck,
"What's your name?" "Duey" replies the duck. "So, how's your day
been?" "Oh, I've had a great day" replies Duey. "I've been in and out of
puddles all day." The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess
your name is Louie?"
The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles!"
255. A Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the
tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all
this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten
dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he
decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to
the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word. The horse
eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The
bartender says to him, "You know, we don't get many horses in here." To
which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"
256. Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at
the counter. Bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says,
"But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says, "Well, OK, then I guess it
can stay."
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As
they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in.
First man says, "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but
just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." Second man looks
dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, thanks the first man
and goes on in. Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in
here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims, "What! They sold me a
Chihuahua?!"
257. A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. "Get that
pig out of here!" yelled the bartender. "That's not a pig, stupid!" she
replied, "That's a duck!" "I know!" said the bartender, "I was talking to the
duck!"
258. Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours
of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs
and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree
again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again,
while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally,
the female bird turned to her mate. Dear, she chirped, I think its time
to tell him hes adopted.
259. How Dogs Are Better Than Men:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at
how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really,
the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine
for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
260. A guy decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred
chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for
another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A
month later he was back at the same dealer for another hundred chickens
because the second lot had also died and then the guy realised I think I
know where Im going wrong, he said, I think Im planting them too
deep.
261. Carl comes to Australia and goes to Woolworthss (Ubiquitious
grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks
a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets
suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably
feed cat food to his kids.
He asks Carl to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.
Carl goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food. Next
week Carl finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog
food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He
thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will
probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Carl to bring and show him
the dog before he can let him have dog food. Carl goes home and returns
with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food. Next week Carl comes to
Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.
The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He
shouts at Carl: What the.! This is shit, you! and Carl calmly
replies: Yes, and I want toilet paper.
262. Two dogs, Caesar and Tiger, and Norman were sent to the outer
space.
The ground control issues commands Caesar! Woof! (its the
barking sound) Press the red button. Woof! Woof! Tiger! Woof!
Press the white button. Woof! Woof! Norman! Woof. Stop barking,
264. One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the
surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance. The
fish said to itself, If that fly comes six inches closer, Ill jump up and
have myself a meal. Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up
and said to itself, if that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump
up, and ill catch the fish and have myself a meal. As luck would have it,
a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, If that fly
moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab
the fish, and ill shoot the bear.
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself, if that fly
moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab
the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and ill grab
the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter. However, unbeknown
to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, If that fly moves
closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter
will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and Ill snatch the rat.
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the
fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed
the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake. The
moral of this story is: If the fly drops six inches the pussy cat will get
wet.
265. There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot. One
day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog. The dog
became emotional and returned the love bite to the mosquito. The next
day
Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria What a touching
love story!!!
266. A big Hunter in a party talking about his hunting career and told, Yes
I used to shoot tigers in Africa. The listeners protested saying there are
no tigers on that continent. The Hunter replied, Of course I shot them
all.
267. A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, Is this dog faithful?
The man replied, Yes,I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.
268. A duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search
ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a
duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever
believe him.
He decided to try to break the new to his friends and invited friends to
hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of
ducks flew by. They fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped
into the water.
The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to
retrieve the bird, never getting wet more than his paws. The friend saw
everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter
asked his friend, Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? I
sure did, responded his friend. He cant swim.
269. The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and
looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters Well I guess that answers
that riddle.
270. One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail and
the centipede were sitting around the grasshoppers house, drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they
decided one of them should go out for more beer. The snail said, Id go,
but Im kinda slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so
you know where to go. The grasshopper said, I dont mind going, but my
hopping will shake up the beer and well get sprayed every time we open
one. So they decided to send the centipede and the grasshopper
explained how to get to the nearest liquor store. An hour or so passed and
still the centipede hadnt returned, so the snail and the grasshopper
decided to go look for him. They got as far as the the front door and found
the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
271. This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the
neighbors pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy
panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes
the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its
fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbors house, hoping
that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor
is outside and asks the guy, Did you hear that Fluffy died? The guy
stumbles around and says, Um.. no.. um.. what happened? The
neighbor replies, We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the
weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and some
idiot had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
272. Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a
competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the
bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat
drinks more blood, will be the winner! So the first bat goes and comes
back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says,
Congratulations, how did you do that? The bat said, Do you see that
tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the
family. Very good said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back
after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says,
How did you do that? The bat replies, Do you see that tower? Behind it
there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children.
Impressive said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after
three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.
How on earth did you do that? he asked. And the bat replies, Do you
see this tower? Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, Well, I
didnt.
273. Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big
deep hole. Wowthat looks deep. Sure does toss a few pebbles in
there and see how deep it is. They pick up a few pebbles and throw them
in and wait no noise. Jeeez. That is REALLY deep here.. throw one
of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise. They
pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and
wait and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One
gets a determined look on his face and says, Heyover here in the
weeds, theres a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss
THAT sucker in, its GOTTA make some noise. The two drag the heavy
tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind.
It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its
legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two
men are astonished with what theyve just seen
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles
over. Hey you two guys seen my goat out here? You bet we did!
Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into
this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldnt have been MY goat. My goat
was chained to a railroad tie.
274. An Amish lady is riding down the road in her horse and buggy
when she is pulled over by a cop. Maam, Im not going to ticket you, but I
do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your
buggy. Oh, Ill let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
Another thing, maam. I dont like the way that one rein loops across the
horses back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal
abuse. Thats cruelty to animals. Later that day, the lady is home telling
her husband about her encounter with the cop.
Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes. What else? Im not sure, Jacob
something about the emergency brake
275. Adam is napping on the lawns of cross-maidan, next to a donkey. A
passer-by asks him, Do you know what time it is? Adam lifts a leg of
the donkey and says, 5:00 pm. Another passer-by asks him for time.
He does the same thing again and tells him the time. All this while a
curious person has been watching what is going on. He approaches
Adam and asks, How can you say the time by lifting the donkeys leg?
Adam coolly replies, Only if I lift the donkeys leg, the big clock that is on
the opposite side is visible to me.
276. Once a time three friends, were on ajourney. They planned to stay
in some village. They went to a house of a farmer and request him to let
them spend a night at his house. The farmer said, I have only two rooms
in my house in one room me and my family sleep and in other room I kept
my bull. If you people can manage in that room I will not mind. But I think
there is so severe smell from bull that you can not spend a night in that
room. As those friends dont have any other way to spend the night so
they request to let them try. The farmer agreed and show them the room.
First guy entered the room but at next moment he came out puting his
hand on his nose, as there was very bad smell in room. Than the second
one entered the room but after few minutes he also came out puting his
hand on nose. Then, the third one entered the room but he did not come
out but all was surprised to see that after few minutes bull came out from
room shaking his head.
277. Harry and Fred both bought one horse each. They wanted to make
sure that they feed their own horse each morning. So Harry asked, how
will we know which is your and which is mine? Fred said its easy I will
cut mines tail and yours will be the one with tail. Some boys outside
heard it and cut the tail of other horse too. So the next morning confusion
arose even more. Harry said, dont worry, Ill tie a bell around its neck,
yours will be the one without the bell. The boys heard this too so they cut
the bell. The next day, Harry got frustrated and said, OKAY!!! now the
last criteria will be that: White Horse will be yours and Black Horse will be
mine.
278. What will a giraffe do, if you spit in its face? ...It will kick off your
ladder...
279. What is red and black? A sunburnt zebra.
280. What does a cow say to bull? Are you alwaays that h orn-ny!
281. Gemma:My dog doesn't have a nose.
Ortoise: How does he smell?
Gemma: Awful!
282. Q: Why cant you play cards in the jungle
A: Because theres to many cheetahs.
283. Q: Why does a dog stay in a shadow.
A: Because it doesn't want to be a Hotdog.
284. Q: What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
A: A milk shake.
285. Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening,
Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian
Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the
night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have
a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of
many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last
request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the
Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by
both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the
last time, I said BRING POSSE!
296. Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear
hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was
a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The
black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either
I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank
decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for
two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on
another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there
was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right
next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my
cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have
rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he
survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged,
he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and
shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear
looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here
for the hunting, do you?"
297. A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people
show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm
not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer
so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a
chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go
first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into
the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her,
so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion
stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her
ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his
head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks,
"I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young
man and asks, "Can you top that?" "No problem," replies the young man,
"just get that lion out of the way."
298. Tennessee folks make fun of their northern Virginian neighbors with
this quip: You know why birds fly upside down over Scott County, Virginia?
"Cause there ain't nothin' worth shittin' on up there!"
299. An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in
years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he
buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in
the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around
and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old
rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird
and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot
stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm
still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that
hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes
first gets to have all the hens for himself.' Well, the young rooster was a
proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the
old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a
head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!' So the two roosters go over to
the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The
race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the
first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap,
the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in
there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time
around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By
now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his
shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his
chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around
the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately
takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. As he
walks away slowly, he says to himself..... 'Damn, that's the third gay
rooster I've bought this month.'
300. A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was
frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The
biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At
first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He
started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard
the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it. There are three morals to
this story:
1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.
301. There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the
blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because
he can't see. The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, "Well,
you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a
rabbit." The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind
snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are." The blind
rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't
have any balls. You must be a lawyer."
302. Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out
and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by
a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad,
there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one
to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came
this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No,"
the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one.
We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous
woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's
eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked
the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your
mother."
303. DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown
dr*gs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there,"
as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying,
"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly
displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The
rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time
later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running
for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every
step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll
get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The
rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his
lungs..... "Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
304. A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he
brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the
farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster
again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is
worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is
screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the
barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes
closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks
down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you
horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the
vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
305. I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he
doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on
My Face."
306. A mans dog dies one day, and the man is very upset. His dog did
everything for him. Washed the dishes. Bought things from the shop. The
man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet. Once at the pet
store, he asked the manager, "Do you have any pets that will do anything
for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace
him." The manager looks around. "We don't have much, I'm afraid. Just
this centipede here." The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede
anyway. Back home, the man tests the centipede out. "Go and bring me a
beer from the fridge", he asks. The centipede got to work straight away.
"Go and run a bath for me". The centipede did as asked once again. The
man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede "Pop to the shop and
buy me a newspaper please" The centipede does this. An hour later, the
man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of
the stairs, and hadn't yet gone to the shop. "I thought I told you to go to
the shop?" The centipede replies "GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI
SHOES ON!"
307. An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one
morning. He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten
his wristwatch. He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his
camel and asked if he knew the time. The old man slowly reached over
and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them,
letting them swing to a stop. "10:27" he said. The archaeologist was
stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before. He
rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back
to the town square to find the old man. Having found him again, the
archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you
tell time. The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down
here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's
testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over
there?"
308. A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his
owner.The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much
and growls and him until he gets the right amount. The man follows the
dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady
enjoying so much? Mouse continued enjoying & dancing & replied calmly:
You may not be knowing, but before my marriage, even I was a Lion.
314. Ray proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair
of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a
search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him
killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily
exclaims
71st and again barefeet!
315. Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On
one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the
bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest
of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey!
Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not
now! I'm eating."
"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please.
It's urgent." So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It
took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly
drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and
wheezing for air.
"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" "Hey, Teddy,"
the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the
river."
316. Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send
my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't
any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the
pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not
going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there." Earl says, "You're
going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he
goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it
where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want,
you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he
wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and
Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes
later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's
leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog
is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog
did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it
came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The
breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more
fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
317. It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take
in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the
gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That
gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you
take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined.
But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and
bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and
down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your
clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he
persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and
down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over
the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and
pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM
you have a headache!"
318. Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he
usually eats from."
319. A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them
died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two
days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take
them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of
her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?" Blushing, she
said, "No. holding hands will be fine."
320. A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was
crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained
what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh,
about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been
worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote
out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for
$900. It is post-dated six years from now."
321. A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel
asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother
replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you
to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the
son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are
there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert",
"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and
asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The
mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help
us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without
drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to
stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and
these humps to store water. But Mom", "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we
in the San Diego Zoo?"
322. An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir,
what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That is my pet
rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes." "I'm sorry, Sir," said the
ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his
pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and
Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old
farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch
the movie. "Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the
guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we
haven't seen before." "Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my
popcorn!"
323. A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joes first
time ever hunting, so he was following Bobs lead. Bob saw a small herd
of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be
quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and
asked Joe what had happened. Joe said, "There was this snake and he
slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear
that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed." "So then what did
make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Joe continued, "two
squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take
them home or eat em now?""
324. Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
following day. The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry,
son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." "Well, just return my
money to me," Kenny said. "Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I
already spent it." "OK then, just unload the donkey," said Kenny. "Whatcha
gonna do with him?" asked the farmer. "I'm going to raffle him off," Kenny
replied. "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer exclaimed. "Of
course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is
dead." A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So,
what happened with the dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500
tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00," explained
Kenny. "Didn't anyone complain?" inquired the farmer. "Just the guy who
won. So, I gave him his two dollars back," Kenny proudly replied.
325. Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are
dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the
other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969." The other
points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
326. It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow
choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's
horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming
itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his
six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't
shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give
you any three wishes you want." The cowboy decided to take a chance.
He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK,
first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like
Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here
horse I'm riding." The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the
bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse
around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He
dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back
at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his
back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold
Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at
his crotch and shouted, "Oh no! I was riding the mare!"
327. Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in
northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt. "Good
work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a
wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.
After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all
about?" The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real
wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about
it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my
property and laid waste t'my chicken coop. Ol' Man Miller down the road
even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and
they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a
hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt." Mike and Bill look at
each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves. After
wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in
the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The
two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with
the pelt. Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look." "Not now," says Mike, "I'm
busy." Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really* ought
to see this." "Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred
dollars in my hands?" Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"
Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by
a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling,
drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.
Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!"
328. There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never
left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to
leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to
his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day
at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its
fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and
looked at it for a while thinking, Why can't I touch its fur? as their didnt
seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a
little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later,
he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch
the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of
his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to
jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in
turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into
some one else's sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could
see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him. He drove for
two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He
jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into
someone's front garden and up the apple tree. He turned around to find
the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and
ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought
he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw
a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the
end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the
man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape. As the
gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.
The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and
said, Tag! You're it!
329. Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to
heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord
that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was
no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had
turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He
would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid
down upon the pillow and was happy. A few days later, about a dozen
mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had
liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They
explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were
worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt
bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates. One day God
sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She
explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the
most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than
the pillow were the meals on wheels.
BLONDE JOKES:
330. A blonde wins $20,000,000 from $20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11
crore to him after deducing tax. Angry blonde said, 'Give me $20,000,000
or else return my $20 back'! A blonde asked a flight attendant, "How high
is this plane, Miss?" The flight attendant replied, "About thirty-two
thousand feet."
The blonde's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who will believe it? And could
you tell me how wide it is?!"
331. Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one
lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize
of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will
drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like
to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I
have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs
your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and
she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct
answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own
nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million,
Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're
right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check.
You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please
put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down
to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their
Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in
God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its
own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
332. A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out
for the job. After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff
asked in desperation one final question: "Now, listen carefully: Who killed
Abraham Lincoln?" The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really
hard for a minute and finally admitted: "I don't know!" "Well, why don't you
go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over
to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the
interview. The blonde couldn't be happier. "It's my first day on the job, and
it went great. I'm already working on a murder case!"
333. A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's
deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up
and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What
340. Once there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They all had to
go to the desert and take one thing with them. The brunette took a
water bottle, the redhead took an umbrella and the blonde took a cardoor. They were walking in the desert with their objects and 3 men came
up to them and said to the Brunette, why have you got a water bottle?
The Brunette replied, To drink water! They asked the redhead, why
do you have an umbrella? She said, Because if it gets hot I can have
some shade. Then they asked the blonde, Why do you have a cardoor? She replied, If it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the
window!
341. A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blondejokes she was
constantly hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state
capitals in an effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home
and spent the entire evening learning them all. The next day, someone at
her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted, Hey, I
bet I know something that all of you dont know. I know all of the
state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb. The
people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her co-workers finally
asked, Ok, whats the capital of Texas? The blonde smugly replied,
T.
342. A blond and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The
red head turns to the blond and says, Poor thing look at the dog with one
eye. The blond covers one of her eyes and says where?
343. Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones
a redhead and ones a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and
the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the brunette
yells, EARTHQUAKE!!! Everyone is startled and throws themselves on
the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and
the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! Suddenly the redhead yells,
TORNADO! Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she
escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her
forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says
no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim! and the blonde yells,
FIRE!!!
344. A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, not able to sleep because
of the neighborsconstantly barking dog. It has been in the backyard
barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and
says, Ive had enough of this! She goes downstairs. The blonde finally
comes back up to bed and her husband says, The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing? The blonde says, I put the dog in our
backyard, lets see how THEY like it.
345. Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World
in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway,
they saw a sign saying, Disney World Left! After thinking for a
minute, the driver blonde said Oh well! and started driving back home.
346. A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on. She stopped in
the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. She instructed that the hair
stylist could not take off the headphones. The stylist replied no so
the blonde left. She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
The stylist agreed.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair. The stylist took off the
headphones and the blonde died on the spot. Confused at what happened,
the stylist put on the headphones. They were saying, Breathe in,
Breathe out.
347. A blonde, a brunette, a moviestar, the pope, and a pilot were on a
plane. The plane was going down fast and there were only four
parachutes for all five of them. The pilot took one and jumped then the
movie star took one and jumped and then the blonde took one and
jumped. The pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette
said, There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my bag!
348. Why dont blondes have elevator jobs? They dont know the route.
349. Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are
of red hair. She asks the clerk again for the television set. He looks at her
suspiciously and replies,"No because I told you I don't sell them to
blondes." She then says,"I am not a blonde I am a redhead." The clerk
then said,"I know your the same women because that is no television thats
a microwave."
359. A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show
me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so
on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She
says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is
broken."
360. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least
8 characters long.
361. It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family
there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift
certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of
fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met
with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At
the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young
blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs
to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards,
they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him
what to give you?" He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar." The
blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
362. Blonde: Hey, What does 'IDK' mean?
Brunnete: I don't know.
Blonde: Oh my god NOBODY KNOWS!
363. A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The
blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the
stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know, said the
stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. OK, ' she said. 'That
could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse,
a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of
dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised
by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no
idea....' To which the blonde replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
364. A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a
winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could
find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an
expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went
for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the
tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment
had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a
quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her
tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming
voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Startled,
the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice,
poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new
hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the
ice!!" Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly
was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved
to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to
regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up
perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was
about to cut this new hole, the voice came again. "There are no fish under
the ice!!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You,
Lord?" The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE
SKATING RINK!"
365. The two blonds have met and one of them says, "Yesterday, during
the blackout I got stuck in a lift for three hours!" "It's nothing. I was
standing on an escalator for three hours!", says other blonde.
366. I came over to my blonde friend the other day and said, "Hey look a
dead bird." She looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
367. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100, 1 to hold the lightbulb & 99 to turn the house.
368. What was the blonde thinking while she was in jail? Why I am here?
All I did, was borrow that diamond ring, when the store was close!!
369. What happened to the blonde at the soccer stadium? She drowned in
the mexican wave.
370. Two Blonds With Hammers... Lynn and Julie were doing some
carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down
house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss
it over her shoulder or nail it in. Julie, figuring this was worth looking into,
asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Lynn explained, "When I
pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them are defective and have the
head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Julie got completely upset
and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other
side of the house!"
371. Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito
stops sucking after you slap it.
372. Why does a blonde smile during a lighting storm? Because she think,
that picture being taken.
373. What's the blondes idea of safe s*x? Locking the car door.
374. 17 blonds stand out side a workout room, why don't they go in? The
sign says must be 18 to enter.
375. Q: Why did the blonde write her test in the aeroplane?
A: Because she wanted high marks.
376. How do you know if a blonde has been in your car? The gear stick is
wet.
377. How do you confuse a blonde? Put three shovels against the wall and
tell her to take her pick.
378. A black man is talking to a blond white woman. "If we ever have kids,
what will they look like?" The blond white women says, "They will be
zebras."
379. Why did the blonde give her computer cough medicine? It had a
virus.
380. Why did the blonde spray her computer with raid? It had a bug.
381. How do you get a 1 armed blonde out of a tree? You wave.
382. Why did the blonde tip-toe across the medicine cabinet? So she
wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
383. What do u call a blonde with one brain cell? Intelligent.
384. What do u call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
385. I'm a blonde and I'm pretty smart, I know because people keep on
telling me, especially the pretty girl on the bathroom wall .
386. On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in
economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to
an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went
over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy
class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right
here." After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to
return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the
cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. "Wait a
minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My
wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in
first class and whispered something in her ear. "I'm sorry," said the
blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy
class. "What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and
co-pilot. To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going
to Chicago."
387. There is a blonde, a brunette, and a red head running from blonde
police and they run down an alley. The red hides in a garbage. The
brunette hides in a tree. The blonde hides in a huge sack of potatoes. The
cops pass the red and she says, "Meow" and the cops thinks its a
cat. The cops pass the brunette and she lightly moves the tree and the
cops think its the wind.
The cops pass the blonde and one of the cops steps on a potatoes the
blonde says, "Mashed potatoes."
388. So there are three construction workers. One is blonde, one is
brunette and one is a red head. Everyday, they sit on the top of their
construction building and eat lunch. For the past 4 months, they have all
gotten tuna sandwiches. One day the red head says, "That's it! Next time I
get tuna sandwich, I am jumping off the roof of this building." Both the
blonde and the brunette agree. The next day, they all get tuna sandwiches
and they all jump off the roof. As their wives mourn at their funerals, one
wife looks at the blonde's wife and says, "I cant believe they jumped off
the roof just because of the tuna sandwiches we made them. I feel so
bad." The blonde wife looks up and says, "Don't look at me, he packs his
own lunch."
389. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?
Because it says right on the box, "good for up to 20 pounds."
390. How did the Blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her!
391. What did the blonde say when she found she was pregnant? "Is it
mine?"
392. WHICH DO YOU THINK WOULD TOUCH THE GROUND FIRST ON
TOP OF A BUILDING FIRST?-THERES A BLONDE OR A JEW. "A jew
because the blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
393. The blonde was coming home she was on the highway. She turned
on the radio and heard a man say that "blondes are stupid" So she goes
down further and see's a blonde in the middle of a corn field trying to row
a boat. So she stop and get out and yell to her.. "Your the blonde that
gives us a bad name, if I could swim I will come out there and kick your
ass"
394. A blonde phones up the fire brigade and sayes that her house is on
fire. Fireman asks 'how do we get there ?' She replies 'HELLO ... IN THE
BIG RED LORRY !'
395. There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you
told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar.
She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman
in the world' and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the
bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful
woman in the world' and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blond
walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it
sucked her in.
396. Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar? She heard drinks
were on the house.
397. A blonde rear ends a man. He gets out of his car and asks: Have
you ever even taken a driving test? Yes, I have and many times, you
idiot!
398. Two blonde women are talking. You know, yesterday, I cheated on
my husband. Did you do it for money or for love? For love of course,
because you know $300 is not really money anymore!
399. A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets
on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice
butt. Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man
got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the
blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'" To which
the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
400. What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb? The light
bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on .
401. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six
or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
402. Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100
miles per hour. Hey, asked the brunette at the wheel, see any cops
following us? The blonde turned around for a long look. As a matter of
fact, I do. Oh, NOOOO! yelled the brunette. Are his flashers on? The
blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
403. Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work? So she
could draw blood.
404. Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and
opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus
driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his
head and says,''No, I'm sorry.'' At this the other blonde leans inside,
smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?''
405. The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?" "I
would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde. "I'm
sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here,"
says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" Said the
blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to
the chemist who looks at it and says to the her. "This is just a normal stick
of under arm deodorant". The annoyed blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
406. A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic
however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If
you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by
and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she
started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five
minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was
doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in
a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm
done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to KMart now?"
407. A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades
while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator
shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe
I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for
free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you
go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined
to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home,
he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water,
shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot
gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde
takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery
bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper
stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles
mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes
heavenward, she screams in frustration, "DAMN IT this one is barefoot
too!
408. There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA
space center. The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the
moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says
"I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says "I
want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll
burn up?" The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."
409. A man is working a a d*ldo store, when a brunette walks in. She asks
him how much for the black d*ldo? he replies $50 for the black one, $50
for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything. A red head
walks in and asks him how much for the white d*ldo? he replies $50 for
the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn't buy anything. A blonde
enters the store and asks him how much for a d*ldo? He answers $50 for
a black one, $50 for a white one. She asks how much for the plaid one on
the shelf behind him? he says oh thats a very special one, thats $250. She
buys it. At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he
sold. The man said no d*ldos but i sold your thermos for $250.
410. A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an
very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit. The mortician is a blonde
female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would
like the body to be dressed. The motician says that the man does look
very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing. His widow,
however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that
she would like him in a black suit. She gives the blonde mortician a signed,
blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the
cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the
viewing." The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her
delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if
it were tailor made. She says to the mortician, "You have done a
magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit
cost?" To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank
cheque. "There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she
says. "Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in
yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black
suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a
beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any
difference as long as he looked good... So I just swapped their heads."
411. Blonde Wife: Look a thief has entered our kitchen and he is eating the
cake I prepared.
Annoyed Husband: Whom should I call now, Police or Ambulance...?!
412. Funny Blonde man was filling up an application form for a job. He
promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then
Blonde man came to the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be
filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. Clerk told him
to write either MALE or FEMALE. Again Funny Blonde man thought for a
long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES!
413. A young pregnant Blonde woman had given birth in the elevator of a
hospital. She was embarrassed about it and was weeping. Doctor: Don't
feel bad. Two years back, a Blonde girl delivered in the open lawn of this
hospital.
The lady burst out crying and said: "I know..., that was me, too."
414. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde : We need help. Were three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator : Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde : Yes.
Operator : The power in the house in on?
Blonde : Of course.
Operator : And the switch is on?
Blonde : Yes, yes.
Operator : And the bulb still wont light up?
Blonde : No, its working fine.
Operator : Then whats the problem?
Blonde : We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt
ourselves.
415. One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a
truck. The trucks driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out
of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told
her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over
to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This
made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde
laughed even harder. Angrily, the man broke all her windows and keyed
her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks
her whats so funny? The blonde giggles and replies, When you
werent looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!
416. There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to
speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After
a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell
off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging
her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over,
and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came
to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came
out and shut the machine off.
417. Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order
to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a
bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their
checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch
where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,
"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out
after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch,
inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her
that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a
bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and
drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains
that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well,
with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll
only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes,
she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The
telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it
slow."
418. If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left"
she turned around and went home
425. Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic
City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team
rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up
having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything
from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When
the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear,
staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them
with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're
havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says,
"Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
426. Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box
said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound
and she weighed 125. After losing in a breaststroke swimming
competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
427. A blonde, brunette, and redhead went to a church to donate money.
The brunette draws a circle around her and throws up all her money. She
says that whatever lands inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands
outside of the circle she keeps. The redhead then draws a line, stands on
it, and throws up all of her money. She said that whatever lands on the
right side of the line is for God, and whatever lands on the left side she
keeps. The blonde throws up her money, and yells,"God, whatever you
catch is yours, and whatever you don't I get to keep."
428. A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could
get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you."
429. Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear
sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The
first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
430. A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire
State Building. How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde would
never throw bread to the helicopters.
431. Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto
Ricans.
432. Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
433. Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
434. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
435. Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
436. Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
437. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
438. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip
cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
459. Why can't the blonde put in a light bulb? Shey kept breaking them
with the hammer.
460. How does a blonde change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a
new apartment."
461. A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost.
Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she
prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win?
God replied, How about buying a ticket first?
462. Why do blondes wear earmuffs? To avoid the draft.
463. Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car.
Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a
little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit
strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my
emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat
and need to blow up one of my tires."
464. At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July
16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as
'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes,"
whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that
occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer
continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them
fancy Mitsubishis."
465. What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? You can park in
handicapped zones.
466. A blonde wanted to sell her old car, but nobody wished to buy a car
with 250,000 miles on it. So, she tells her brunette girlfriend at the salon
about her problem, and the brunette suggests she take the car to a
mechanic friend of hers, who will turn the meter back by 200,000
miles. The blonde thinks this is a sound suggestion and does so. About a
month later, the brunette sees her blonde girlfriend in a store and says,
"Did you ever sell your car?" "No" says the blonde. "Why should I? It's only
got 50,000 miles on it."
467. WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF
DAYS? It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
468. WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN
482. How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
483. How do blondes pierce their ears? They put tacks in their shoulder
pads.
484. How do you drown a blond? Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
485. How does a blonde high-5? She smacks herself in the forehead.
486. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
487. What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A know-it-all bitch.
488. What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and
learn the alphabet.
489. WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE? Hair transplants.
490. WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE? Third
Grade.
491. Where do you look for blondes' obituaries? Under "Home
Improvements."
492. Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto
the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells
the other. "Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.
"Good idea," said the other. "Together, together!"
493. Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other
and said, "I've got to take a crap." The other said, "Well go behind one of
those big trees, and crap." The first one said, "But I don't have any paper
to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use
that!" He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His
friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?" The
first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2
usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass
and the boss decides to check on the Blonde. He looks out over his office
and sees the Blonde crying hysterically.
He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there
anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the Blonde, "I just got a call from
my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
498. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her
window seat? Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the
middle row.
499. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make? A wind tunnel.
500. How do you confuse a blonde? Put them in a round room and tell
them to sit in the corner.
501. How does a blonde try to kill a fish? She drowns it.
502. How do you amuse a blonde for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on
both sides of a piece of paper.
503. What did the blondes left leg say to her right leg? Between the two
of us, we can make a lot of money.
504. Two secretaries were talking about their work. "I hate filing," said
one. "No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking
for. I forget where I have filed them." "I used to have that problem too, but
no more," her blonde friend said. "Now I make 26 copies of everything I
type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss
it!"
505. How does a blonde part their hair? By doing the splits.
506. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because that's where
your supposed to wash vegetables.
507. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
508. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? More leg-room!
509. Why don't blondes use vibrators? They chip their teeth.
510. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? She has a tampon
tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
511. How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for chips.
512. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell
down the drain.
513. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money? She sold her
car for it..
514. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are
you sure it's mine?"
515. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? Their both
empty from the neck up.
516. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? It took her a month
to figure out she could play it at night too.
517. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
518. A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the
plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord
and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you
wanna race, huh?"
519. What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you? Run like hell - he's still
got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
520. Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles
with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped
one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your
fishing licenses." "We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if
you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." "But officer," replied the
second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our
lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The warden
lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the
end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take
all the debris you want." And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of
sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cop,"
the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are
steelhead trout in this river?!"
521. A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am,
are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says,
"Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY
GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
522. A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from
the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a great looking man with ruffled hair gets
into the elevator. The women exchange a look acknowledging just how
good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor.
The women watch him exit the elevator. The brunette turns to the blonde
and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him
some Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give
Shoulders?"
523. The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she
came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react,
the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so
happy?" he asked. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for
you!"
"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped
breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.
The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed
her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he
couldn't be happier. Then she said "Oh, honey there's more." "What do
you mean more?", he asked. "Well we are not having just one baby, we
are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after
getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. "It was easy" she said, "I
went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and
both tests came out positive!"
524. A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his
hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at
ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing
is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone
should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made
three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The
blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't
happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know
much about history."
525. An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position,
and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a
conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to
say the living one."
526. A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a
streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked. Replied the woman, "I dropped my
diamond ring and I'm looking for it." Asked the cop "did you drop it right
here?" "No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but
the light's better here."
527. A blonde ran into the hospital screaming. A doctor came running to
her aid. To his surprise her ears were badly burnt and red. "What
happened?" he asked. "I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang, thinking
the iron was the phone I put it to my ear," she replied. "Oh no, but what
happened to your other ear?" he asked. She frowned and replied "The
jerk rang back!"
528. A blonde complained to her friend, "I can never trust my boyfriend.
Why? He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is
his!"
529. A small company recently hired a new blonde secretary who certainly
wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. One day while she was typing,
she turned to another secretary and said, "What do I do now? I'm almost
out of typing paper." "Just use the copier machine paper," replied the other
secretary. With that, the blonde took her last remaining blank sheet of
typing paper, placed it on the photocopier and proceeded to make ten
blank copies.
530. At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", a blonde
put "Sagittarius"
531. When a blonde saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went
home and got 16 friends.
532. When a blonde missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice
instead.
533. One blond says to another, "how did you die"? "I froze to death,"
says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to
freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second
blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and
toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you
kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?"
asked the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband
was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran
up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the
basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor,
but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second
blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if you had only looked in the
freezer, we'd both still be alive."
534. A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "Ive
kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "Ive kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan
tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A
Blonde."
The blonde pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it
to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a
paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the
bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this
to a fellow blonde?"
535. A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She
meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job.
"Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a
day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a
problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came
back drenched in sweat. "Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down?"
asked the foreman.
"6" she replied. "What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier
tomorrow!" So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back
that night exhausted. "How many this time?" asked the foreman. "12" she
said.
The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow
morning!" The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says,
"This is how to cut down trees really quickly." He pulls the rope on the
chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the
blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong. And she
replies, "What the hell is that noise?"
536. Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde
passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after
takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said, "I have
a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to
Cairo."
Perplexed, the stewardess said, "But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to
Cairo."
"Damn!" replied the blonde passenger, "I got on the wrong plane."
537. There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying,"21,
21, 21..." Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says, "What are
you doing?" The brunette replies, "Just counting." The blonde says, "May I
join you?" "Yes," replies the brunette. So the blonde and the brunette are
now both walking down the railroad tracks saying," 21, 21, 21..." A train
comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After
the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says,"22, 22,
22..."
538. How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail? Envelopes
in the disk drive.
539. A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to
end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to
the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her,
and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good
care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his
arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep
me happy." The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to
lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks
later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What
are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one
of the sailors," the blonde explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's
screwing me." "He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"
540. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for his thoughts?
Change.
541. What did the blonde do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur
within five miles of home? He moved ten miles away.
542. A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.
"Who is it?" "Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the
blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes,
grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he
stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
543. A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old
western is on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed
that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead," "You're
on," returned his wife. They watch the western and sure enough the
wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ...
dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie
before." She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't
think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
544. Did you hear about the blonde coyote? She got stuck in a trap,
chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.
545. A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first
blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect.
How would you recognize him?" The first blonde answered, "That's easy!
We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman said,
"Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered
by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde
and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The
second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to
catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily replied,
"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are
showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer
you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the
picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your
suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think
hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."
The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said,
"Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman was
stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect
wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a
few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left
the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer,
and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were
you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde
replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and
one ear."
546. A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to
have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband
rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying
birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blonde guy turns to
the girl and angrily says "Alright. Who's the other father!"
547. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For
years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it,
and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give
out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have
been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish,
"This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she is gone. The blonde
starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "What is the matter?" The
blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."
548. A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts
with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde
counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ...
22." The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and
produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end
under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks
the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good
so the interviewer goes for the real basics, something that she won't have
to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her
head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something
silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!" The interviewer is completely
baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you
your name?"
"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song,
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
549. A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his
knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've
heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have
to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in the community and
from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women
in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is
embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay
out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
550. Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it
out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful
accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy
one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes
immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No
matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They
became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion,
Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more
time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!
551. A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting
in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the
floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor
asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best
teacher Ive ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the
floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The
professor asked her to tell something of her life. She began, "I think -" The
next thing she knew, she was sitting in the floor.
552. Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a
single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude". With that she stripped from her neck
down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she
hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and
hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other
dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other
answered, "I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are
dumb, but most men are gullible.
553. An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office.
"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and
all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the
doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these
and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try
anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the blonde returned,
looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than
before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking
his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be
true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those
dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
554. A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at
''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things
were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he
thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. ''NO!''
yelled the blonde.
The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and
the guy thought he would try again. ''NO!'' the blonde yelled again. Things
got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had
her pants unzipped. ''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the
guy.
''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well,
why the hell not?'' The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna
stay up here with you.''
555. After a long night, the blonde asks her friend: "Say, do you have
AIDS?".
"NO!", the guy answers firmly, "Of course not!" "Oh, that???s good",
replies the blonde, "I don't wanna catch it again".
556. Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up
in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none
of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a
redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last
words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty
power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the
switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves;
beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is
strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of
Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the
innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they
all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release
her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the
University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
557. There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he
came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and
decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day
learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home he told
his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals.
Go ahead, quiz me." He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the
capital of Massachusetts?" She quickly replied, "M"!
558. A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her
BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office
had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG
convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar
XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's
gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing
down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long
blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what
could possibly go wrong? At that thought there was a splutter from the
engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the
bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody
clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a
quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow
van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What
seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me
have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring
like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied. Looking shocked
she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"
559. There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going
around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the
country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the
road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I
keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she
blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick
out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says, "If I
guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
560. The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some
exercise. "You need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor
said. "Try playing a game of fetch with him." "I can't play fetch with my
dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked. "Because," she
replied, "He can't throw."
561. A recent survey was conducted to discover why blondes get out of
bed in the middle of the night: 5% said it was to get a glass of water, 12%
said it was to go to the toilet, 83% said it was to go home!!
562. One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She
was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her
husband for help. "It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried. "Honey," said
Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"
563. There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they
found a pyramid. they read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100
steps. if you
get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be
warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you
laugh, you can never try again." So the brunette gets to the 5th step and
laughs, so she could never try again. The red head got to the 20th step
and laughed, so she could never try again. Then the blonde got to the 99th
step and laughed. then the guy who was going to tell the joke said "why
did you laugh, i didnt tell the joke yet." then the blonde said "i know, i
laughed because i just got the first joke!"
564. A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately
falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him
says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are
blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
proffesional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a proffesional wretler. Now,
think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind
man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm
gonna have to explain it five times".
565. There are three ladies working together in the same office - a
brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that
each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early. After this
pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as
their boss takes off they'll leave right after her; after all, she never comes
back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they
all leave as planned. The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was
thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed
early. As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for
once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from
inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to
see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the
door and crept out of her house without saying a word. The next day
during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving
early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them. "NO
WAY!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!"
566. A blonde had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might
have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close"
embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm
quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script
letters?" "Braille," she replied.
567. A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English
Channel Breast Stroke Competition. The redhead won and the brunette
came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours
and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone
was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely
happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came
ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge
and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls
used their arms."
568. Theres a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, all stranded on an
island.
The first day they look north for land, and they don't see anything. The
second day, they look to the south for land, but don't see anything. The
third day, they look east for land, but again, don't see a thing. Then, finally
the fourth day, they see land to the west. First the redhead tries to swim
across to land, but drown's quarter of the way. Then, the brunette tries,
but only gets half way, then drown's. Finally the blonde tries. She swims
three quarters of the way, gets tired, and swims back to the island.
569. One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for
speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her
window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was
how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works. "I've pulled you
over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?" "What's a
license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as
dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer. After
fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see
your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove
compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she
found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked
back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the
woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher
came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the
officer. "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the
dispatcher. "Yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you have to do..." said the dispatcher, "Give her the stuff
back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!"
exclaimed the cop. "Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher. So the
cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and
drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and
sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"
570. In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was
waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with
matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it
became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the
bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step
onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more
embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a
little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much
to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So,
with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to
give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this
time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from
the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus Well, she went
ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you
touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled
"Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly
three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
571. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped in a forest. One day
the brunette goes out hunting. She comes back and has a big dead deer.
The blonde and the redhead are impressed. They ask her how she did it
and she says "I found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The
next day the redhead goes out hunting and comes back with a big dead
deer. The blonde and brunette ask her how she did it and she says, "I
found the tracks, followed them and shot the deer." The next day the
blonde goes out and comes back and is all mangled. The brunette and the
redhead ask her what happened and the blonde says "I found the tracks,
followed them and got hit by a train."
572. Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the
other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the
other blonde yells back.
573. A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could
only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9,
10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde,
Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl
came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we
were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to
D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes,
Honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping
home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym
class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but
I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very
good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde,
mommy?" "No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
574. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the sake of
brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word. The
brunette walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey give me an ML." The
bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite. Following her, the
redhead walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a BL." Giving her a
nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite. Last, the blonde walks up to the
bartender and says, "Give me a Fifteen." "A Fifteen?" the bartender
replies, "What the hell is that?" "Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven
and Seven."
578. This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have
to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe." The clerk says it will
be $100, and she replies "But I don't have any money.... and I must get a
message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her."
The clerk replies "Anything?". "Yes.... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde. He
leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in
front of him. "Unzip me..." She does. "Take it out..... go ahead." She does
this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says
"Well... go ahead... do it..." She brings her lips close to it and shouts
"Hello?... Mom?"
579. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A
seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a
disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some
toilet paper." After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead
says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed
to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet
paper that seagull will be miles away!"
580. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
581. Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
582. Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
583. Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
584. Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks. The
first blonde says: "I think they're deer tracks." The second blonde says:
"No, I think they're bear tracks." The third blonde says: "You're both
wrong! They're bird tracks!" Then they get hit by a train.
585. A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where
the turtle wax is. the blonde says,"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet
supplies."
586. Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can
I have one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you
can have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: "Well, I think you've got three."
587. A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong
way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were
leaving."
588. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were running away from the
cops. They ran into a barn, and each hid in a sack. The cops came and
kicked the sack with the redhead in it, she said, "meow..." The cops said,
" It's just a cat," and goes on and kicks the sack with the brunette. She
says, " woof..." The cops say, " It's just a dog." They kick the sack with
the blonde and she says, " Potatoe..."
589. Santa Vlause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and
a dumb blonde were all walking down the street when they all spotted a
100$ dollar bill. Who do you think got it? No one because the first four
dont exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
590. Q:What is a blondes idea of safe sex??
A:Lock the car doors!
591. Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At
the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many
poles they had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer. "Not bad, not
bad at all," the foreman said. Turning to the blonde crew he asked how
many they had put in. "Four" was the answer. "Four?" the foreman yelled.
"The others did fifteen, and you only did four?" "Yes," replied the leader of
the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the
ground."
592. Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope
suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were
blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party
should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone
would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally
the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice
herself to save the lives of the others. All the blondes applauded.
593. A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her
to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and
completely duffed the shot. The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're
gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your
husband's penis." The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275
yards straight down the fairway. The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's
try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."
594. There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of
the
blondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods
to shoot three shots into the air. So she did. A few hours went by and so
she fired three more shots in the air. A few more hours went by and they
fired three more shots in the air. Then one of the blondes said someone
better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrows left.
595. Blonde Cook Book:
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said
beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me
some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for
supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the
rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the
rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which
is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and
beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I
got back,
everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to
ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to
my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I
would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
596. Top 10 Blonde Inventions:
1. The water proof towel
2. Solar powered flash light
3. Sumberrine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedel powered wheel chair
10. Water proof tea bags
597. There is three blonds playing Jeperady. The anoucer says, "This is
the final question. How many "D's" are in Jeperady?" The first blond goes
1." He goes up to number 2 and she says "1000." "I'm not even going to
ask," the anoucer said. He goes up to the third blond and she says "33"
How did you get 33?" he asked. The blond goes, Dun Dun, Dun, Dun,
Dun...
598. A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice
for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her
all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how do you like
your new phone?" She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's
that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
599. You and your two blonde friends (Melisa and Sarah) are stranded on
a desert island.You have no food at all with you and you are all
starving.Then you guys found a piece of bologna.None of you want to
share it and you guys don't know how to decide who keeps it. Then you
said that whoever had the best dream would win the bologna.The next day
you ask Melisa what her dream was. She said that she dreamed that she
was rich.Then you asked Sarah what her dream was. She said that she
dreamed that she was richer than Melisa.Then they asked you what your
dream was.You said that you didn't have a dream but you wrote a poem.
They asked you what it was.You said: "Yankee Doodle went to town,
riding on a pony.While you guys were all asleep I ate the damn bologna!"
600. There was a blonde, a brunette, a red-head and a bald woman stuck
on a desert island. The brunette decided to swim home, but got 1/3 of the
way there and drowned, The red-had decided to try, but drowned 1/4 of
the way there. The blonde decide that she had to risk it, so she swam 1/2
of the way there when she stopped and swam back. "Why did you come
all the way back, when you were half way home?" screamed the bald
woman. "well", said the blonde "I was going to carry on, but I got tired and
thought I'd rest first".
601. A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The
woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him
what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first
room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it
and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued
following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but
proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."
Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and
yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant
to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted
in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window
and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up
the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window
every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor
replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
602. A blonde and a brunette were walking down the basement stairs in
the dark to find a wrench when the blonde screamed. "Something brushed
against my rightr leg!!" "Oh My Gosh. Are you sure?" "Yea and it keeps
doing it." she said as she ran around the basement. Then she stopped and
thought for a second. "Hold up. That was just my left leg.
603. There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking
down the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle
there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be
granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the
mirror forever. The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first
shhe said:
I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of
silver. Next the brunette went in she said: I think I am the smartest out of
the red-head and the blond, she got a new car. The blond went in to try
her luck she walked up to the mirror and said: I think... She was vanished
into the mirror forever.
604. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex
finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a
short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says,
"No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman
unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his
strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back,
gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles
proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful
blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
611. A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the
bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligators mouth and place my
genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit
unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its
approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his
privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as
the crowd gasps. After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps
the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the
man removes his genitals unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and
the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it
a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a blonde woman
timidly speaks up. "Ill do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
612. Question: How many blondes would it take to find their way out of a
maze?
Answer: No idea, as none have ever made it out yet!
613. A blond arrives home to find that her dwelling has been burglarized.
The residence has been cleaned out. She calls 911 to report the crime
then waits for the police to arrive. A K-9 Unit is the closest cruiser to the
blonds house, so the officer responds. Upon arrival, the blond sees the K9 car pull up and the officer and his "partner" exits the unit. Suddenly, the
blond sat down on the front steps of the house and begins to sob, "I can't
believe it. My house gets broken into, they steal everything I own, and on
top of it all, they send me a blind cop!"
614. A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he decided to
have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blond went home, got down
on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing
happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her
blond roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first
blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail
pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes
and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.."
COMPUTER JOKES:
615. Dad writes on son's Facebook wall: Dear Son, How are you? All are
fine here. We miss you a lot. Please!! TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER &
COME DOWN FOR DINNER!!!
616. A guy was trying to check his
DoubleUDoubleUDoubleUDotZeeMailDotCom!
email.
He
typed:
617. Three Signs that you need to get away from the computer:
3) You try entering your password on the microwave!
2) You email your kids in their room to tell him that lunch is ready, and they
email you back, What's for lunch dad!?
1) You chat several times daily with a stranger from Australia, but haven't
spoken to your next door neighbor in months!
618. Jake: What are you looking for so intensely in the keyboard?
Carl: It says 'Press any key to continue' and I dont see the 'any' key!
619. Do you know what the computer thinks when you sit in front of
it? INTEL Inside. Mental Outside!
620. What do you call a pen inside a moving car? A Pen Drive!
621. One man had a crow as a pet which was soft and smooth. What will
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00!
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50!
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00!
647. Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in
Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death and data loss.
Guess which has occurred!?
648. Spending too much time on the computer? Here are some common
indicators:
1. You accidentally enter your computer password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have
e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get
an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
''long-service to the company'' awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your friends.
15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you anymore,
except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9.
18. AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself.
Finally:
19. You've read this before!
649. 99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code!
650. ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
C: Confusing
COBOL: Completely Outdated, Badly Overused Language
COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-land
LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language!
frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss
me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the
frog back in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess
and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!" The programmer smiles and
walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised
you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss
a frog?" "I'm a programmer" he replies, "I don't have time for sex.... But a
talking frog is pretty neat!"
662. Trying to explain to a five-year-old daughter how much computers
had changed, a father pointed to the brand-new personal computer and
told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of
power would have been the size of a house. Wide-eyed, the daughter
asked, How big was the mouse?
663. How to know your Net Relationships over:
All of a sudden, shes typing in a different font. She starts ending each
sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
She tells you that shes been working a lot. And. During an intimate
moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!
664. If Microsoft made cars
In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating (by Mr Welch himself, The GM CEO): If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run
have 3 tyres.
Interviewer: I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server?
Which
methodology will follow?
Guy: Send it through courier.
Interviewer: Can I modify an object in CORBA?
Guy: As you wish , I do not have any objections.
Interviewer: How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
Guy: Sorry, Non living things cant communicate.
Interviewer: Explain RMI Architecture?
Guy: I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Interviewer: What is JAR file ?
Guy: File that can be kept inside a jar.
Interviewer: How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?
Guy: I will give invitation.
Interviewer: What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
Guy: A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Interviewer: Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
Guy: When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.
668. Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the surf. He
pulls out the cork and a Genie appears. The Genie says, I have been
trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish. Gates
thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once
there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of
theMiddle East. This area has seen conflict and suffering for hundreds of
years. What I wish for is peace in the Middle East. The Genie replies, I
dont know I can do a lot, but this? Dont you have another wish? Bill
Gates thinks and finally says, OK. The whole world hates Microsoft
because we have conquered the software market and because Windows
still crashes. I wish you would make everybody love us.
The Genie says, Let me see that map again.
669. Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I cant get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, its really stuck.
Tech support: That doesnt sound good, Ill make a note.
things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the
latest computers! So saying she disappears.
673. How to irritate Bill Gates:
* Steal his "nerdboy" license plate.
* Accuse him of sexually harassing your laser jet printer.
* Beat his high score on Tetris.
* Ask him if they caught the guy who did that to his hair.
* Tell him you heard he's "micro soft."
* Leave his Spock ears on your dashboard so they melt.
* Let the air out of the tires on the Gatesmobile.
* Drop hints that Oprah's richer than he is.
* WWW him right in the dot-com.
* Two words: Dork tax.
674. Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up
To Women:
1. It's easier for a woman to "turn on" a computer
2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.
3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive
4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.
5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest
modem.
6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.
7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.
8. Women have bigger SMART drives.
9. Women don't think with their joysticks.
10. Women actually read installation manuals.
675. There are three engineers in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side
of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what
could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the
electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have
occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests
that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked
somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about
anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the
windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll
work !?"
676. When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter
showed him to his house, a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a
tennis court.
Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of
Heaven. One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when
he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my
friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I
was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really
well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge fivehundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces." "Were you a
Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new
friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates
so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter,
he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give
me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and
fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating
system! Why does he deserve better??!" "Yes, but we use Windows,"
replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
677. One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven. When he got there he
met God. God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?" Bill Gates
said, "Can I have a look at them first?" So God showed him Heaven and
there were all people in white drinking wine a playing harps and all the
walls were white. Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful
beach with gorgeous women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person
could drink and everyone was splashing in the water and having fun. Bill
Gates choose Hell. A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where
he was to tied to a rock and the devils were surronding him and he
screamed to God: "When you let me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous
women, iced beer and fun. What happened??!!?" God replied, "Oh that? It
was only a demo".
678. Dot Com Mergers: In the aftermath of the AOL/Time-Warner merger,
it has been leaked that Yahoo! is taking over the following companies:
Disney
Data General
United Health Care.
The names of the new mega company will be:
Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.
679. A lady on the airplane strikes up a conversation with the fellow sitting
in the next seat, "..and where are you going?" "I'm going to San Francisco
to a Unix convention," he replies. "Eunuchs convention?" she questions. "I
didn't know there were that many of you."
680. The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two
mathematicians standing before it. After much flashing and humming a
sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine. One
mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with
awe, "Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary
mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this
big?"
681. A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady
who had purchase one of their PCs. "The cup holder on my computer
broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke,
and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!" The employee
was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to
describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of his company selling
in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder
to him. "Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has
40x written on it..."
682. A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert
island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in
the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the
cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of
maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel
your e-mail account."
683. Computer users are divided into three types:
Novice, Intermediate and Expert.
Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might
but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing
the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
690. Dear Ann Landers,
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of
Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married
to an Australian. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin.
They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in
Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life
sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a
teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington
remand center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently
become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in
Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel,
however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with
an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking
into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her
knowledge of the industry working as the Madam.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would
get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love
my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I
want to be totally honest with her. So, how should I tell her about my
brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?
691. Womens are like computer virus...they ENTER your life...SEARCH
your pocket...SHIFT your balance ...CONTROL your life...when you
become an old version DELET you from the system
692. Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the
better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"
"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed and the whole universe disappeared
into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting
in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer
program in twenty minutes wins." Jesus and the devil both sat down,
typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then
there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything
came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil
tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up emptyhanded. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at
him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!" Jesus turned to him
and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
693. A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software
engineer are driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows
out and the car rolls to a stop. The three heroes pile out to investigate.
The salesman announces sadly, Time to buy a new car! Says the
hardware engineer, Well, first lets try swapping the front and rear tires,
and see if that fixes it. Replies the software engineer, Now, lets just try
driving the car again, and maybe the problem will go away by itself.
694. Jake enters a store that sells curtains. He tells the salesman, I
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains. He showed him several
patterns, but Santa seemed to be having a hard time choosing. Finally,
he selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman asked
what size curtains he needed. Jake replies, Fifteen inches. Fifteen
inches? asked the salesman. That sounds very small, what room are
they for? Jake tells him that they arent for a room, they are for his
computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, But, sir, computers
do not have curtains! Jake says, Hellllooooooooo..Ive got
Windows!
695. Ever wondered what microsoft would look like if it built a car ?
Hm.. It will of course have windows. A lot of high tech windows.And here
are 2 things that I am pretty sure that microsoft will implement.
The airbag system would say, Are you sure? before going off.
To turn of the engine the driver would have to first press the start button
!
LAWYER JOKES:
696. Judge: You have committed eight burglaries in one week. How is
that?
Accused: Working day and night, My Lord! If everyone works like I do, our
country will be on the real way to prosperity!
697. A lawyer got annoyed with the judge and started to quit the court
after collecting his briefs and notes. Do I understand sir, demanded the
judge, That you wish to show your contempt for the court. No, your
honour! Not at all replied the lawyer, I do not want to show my contempt;
I am trying to conceal it!
698. A lawyer wanted to locate a young woman who had fallen heir to a
large fortune. The police were called in to assist in the search. The case
was placed in the hands of a young and clever detective. Several weeks
passed by without any information and the lawyer was beginning to feel
concerned over the matter, when the young detective appeared on the
scene. He smilingly informed the lawyer he had located the heiress.
Where is she? asked the lawyer. At my place, replied the detective,
we were married yesterday!
699. A famous lawyer once fought for a lady. He handled the case ably
and won it for her. The lady called on him and said that she did not know
as to how to express her gratitude to him. Promptly came the reply from
the lawyer: Ever since the Phoenicians invented money, that is the only
way to express gratitude to a lawyer!
700. Judge: So you claim you robbed that hotel because you were
starving? Why didnt you take something to eat, instead of just stealing all
the cash?
Accused: Because I am a proud man, your Honour, and I make it a rule to
pay for everything I eat!
701. Lawyer for the defendant: Now that we have won the case, tell me
confidentially; did you steal the money?
Client: Well, after hearing your talk in the court today, I am beginning to
think I did not!
702. Magistrate to the witness: Have you ever appeared as a witness
before?
Witness: Yes, my lord.
Magistrate: In what suit?
Witness: A dark brown suit, my lord!
703. Attorney: "She had three children, right?"
Witness: "Yes."
Attorney: "How many were boys?"
Witness: "None."
Attorney: "Were there any girls!?"
704. Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated!?"
705. Attorney: "Can you describe the individual?"
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Attorney: "Was this a male or a female!?"
706. Attorney: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
Witness: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work!"
707. Attorney: "ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?"
Witness: "Oral!"
708. Attorney: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks!"
709. A baker went to the court and lodged a complaint with the judge. He
said, Sir, the 1000 gm ghee which I purchased from the vendor weighs
700 gm only. The judge called the vendor and ordered him to bring his
weights and balance to see that it was correct or not. The vendor said,
bad lawyer will let a case drag on for several months. A good lawyer will
make it last even longer!
718. Judge: Why did you beat your husband's head with a chair?
Wife: Because the table was a bit too heavy for me to lift!
719. Judge: The last time I saw you in the court, I told you that I never
ever wanted you to come here again.
Accused: Thats what I told the police your honor, but they didnt listen to
me!
720. Judge: You are accused of driving above speed limits. What will you
take, 3000 dollars or 3 days in jail?
Accused: I will take the money rather!
721. My lawyer was trying to get me off a burglary charge. He told the
judge, My client inserted his arm through a window and removed some
items. As his arm is not his whole being, I submit that it would be wrong to
punish the whole person for a crime committed by a sole limb. The Judge
replied, Okay - using that logic, the defendant's arm is sentenced to 2
years in prison and can accompany the limb if he chooses.
722. I went to my lawyers funeral last week and was amazed at the
turnout. I asked a man standing at the church, Do you know who all these
people are? Yes, replied the man, We are all former clients of his.
Thats nice that you all wished to pay your last respects. Not at all said
the man, We are here to make sure that he's dead!
723. A drunkard was in court and the judge said, You have been brought
here today for drinking. Do you understand? The drunkard replied,
Fantastic, when do we start!?
724. Two friends were at the zoo and one said to the other, What does
your Dad do for work? He drives a coach. What about yours? asked the
second boy in return. He's a lawyer came the reply. Honest? exclaimed
the first boy. No, he's like all the others! came the reply.
725. A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
Doctor.
735. A man is in court charged with driving without due care and attention.
The prosecuting lawyer asks him, Can you tell me the gear you were in at
the point of impact with the other vehicle. The man replied, My best suit
as I was on my way to a wedding!
736. A group of guests in a party were blaming all of Americas problems
on lawyers when a woman said, They arent actually all that bad. Why,
last year a lawyer gave me $2000. I dont believe it, the host
responded. Its true, I swear it, said the woman. I had a complicated
personal injury case and what with the lawyers fee, the cost of expert
witnesses, the expense of the appeal etc, my bill was $51,000. When the
judgment only amounted to $49,000, my lawyer simply forgave the
difference!
737. In what way are a lawyer and a boxing referee different? A boxing
referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight!
738. When asked, What is a contingent fee? a lawyer replied, A
contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I dont' get a
penny. If I do win it, you get no penny!
739. I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too concerned about making
money. Why do you think that? Listen to this from his bill: Cost for
waking up at night and thinking about your case: $50.99!
740. Three proud mothers were bragging about the virtues of their
children. The First said, My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new
artificial liver that has saved the lives of numerous patients. The second
proudly followed, My son, the scientist, has developed a new energy
source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution
at all. Psh, that is nothing, replied the third, my son, the lawyer has
discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients even for
the time he spends on the golf course!
741. Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to
you.
You owe me $600 now and $355.85 a month for the next 48 months.
Client: I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why does it sound so
much like car payments?
Lawyer: Yeah, you're actually right mine!
742. Judge: You have been sentenced to death; however you can choose
the way you want to die.
Accused: I want to die of old age, your honor!
743. A man and his wife filed an application for divorce. Judge asked:
How will you divide, you have 3 children? The man replied: Ok! Well
apply NEXT YEAR!
744. The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained
to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board. When she had
finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your
Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents.
My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'!"
745. There was a Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer on a train.
The Russian started the conversation with, "Mother Russia has the best
vodka ever and we have so much we can just throw it away." So the
Russian throws a bottle out the window. Then the Cuban speaks up,
"Cuba has the best cigars and we have so much we could throw them
away." So the Cuban throws some cigars out the window. Well, the
American doesnt say a single thing but gets up and walks over to the
lawyer and throws him out the window!
746. A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge
said, "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and
said, "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time,
but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd!"
747. One day a guy found a genie lamp and rubbed and POOF!, the genie
popped out. The genie said that he would give the guy three wishes but
that he was a lawyers genie and whatever he got every lawyer got
double.
First he wished for 10 million dollars POOF! he has ten million dollars but
every lawyer in the world gets 20 million! Second he wishes little world
peace POOF! he has it. Every lawyer in the world gets Utopia! Third and
last he wished to donate a kidney. Every lawyer in the world donated both
of there kidneys!
748. You are sitting on a bench reading a newspaper while eating a
sandwich when you notice that there are 5 lawyers drowning and there is
time only to save 3. What do you do? Finish you sandwich or read your
newspaper?!
749. Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off the cliff. There were no
survivors.
Bad News: There was an empty row of seats on the bus!
750. Scientists stopped using mice for experiments and started using
lawyers. Turns out its quite easy to get attached to a rodent!
751. The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. I can
arrange some things for you, the devil said. "I'll increase your income fivefold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have
four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in
return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's
souls rot in hell for eternity!" The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the
catch?!" he asked.
752. Have you heard that they are now using lawyers instead of animals
for experimentation...they found out there are some things even a rat
wouldn't do!
753. One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy
eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, Why
are you eating grass?The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing
to eat."
So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guy then
said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them
along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for
taking us back to your house; it is so kind of you." The lawyer said,
"You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall!"
754. A man who drives big-rigs for a living takes up a hobby to entertain
himself; when ever he sees a lawyer on the side of the road he swerves
and hits him. Well, one day he is driving along and he sees a preacher and
he pulls over to give him a ride. On the way, he sees a lawyer out of the
corner of his eye and swerves to hit him, at the last second he thinks, "Oh
god! there is a preacher in the cab!" and pulls back on the road he hears a
thump looks in the rear view mirror and there is nothing. He turns to the
preacher and says, "Im sorry, father I almost hit that lawyer." The
preacher turns and says, "Thats ok I got him with the door!"
755. Two lawyers and their boss go out for lunch and run into a genie. "If
you all give me five dollars each, I'll grant you one wish." The genie
sighed. All three lawyers debated and gave the genie fifteen dollars total.
The first one goes, "I would like to go to Paradise and never come back."
He was gone.
"Wow, that was some serious shit" said the other two. The second lawyer
goes and wishes for a beautiful wife and unlimited money in Paradise.
The boss looks at his watch and says to the genie, "I want them both back
by 3:30!"
756. For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair
with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he
dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There
sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when
you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here,
we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well"
she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night
talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the
family than a lawyer!"
757. A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels
a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns
around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and
I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer,
but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?!
the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a
pig and there is a pig in the barn. So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the
barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the
cow..!
762. A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day he
phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told
you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and
asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time, the receptionist is getting a little
annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do
you keep calling?" The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it!"
763. A man goes to his lawyer and says, "I would like to make a will but I
don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer says, "Don't worry,
leave it all to me." The man looks somewhat upset, "Well, I knew you
were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my
children too!"
764. A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see
that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills,
Divorce, Malpractice." Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother
says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!" Through his tears, Murray
croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"
765. Question: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
Answer: Lipstick!
766. Question: What's the difference between a dead coyote in the road
and a dead lawyer in the road?
Answer: There are skid marks in front of the coyote!
767. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
Answer: A vampire only sucks blood at night!
768. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
Answer: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a
fish!
769. Question: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
Answer: God doesn't think he's a lawyer!
770. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Answer1: A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
Answer2: The vulture eventually lets go.
Answer3: Vultures wait until you're dead to rip your heart out!
771. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
Answer: A tick drops off you when you die!
772. Question: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Answer: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth!
773. Question: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
Answer: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to
cluck defiance!
774. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
Answer: None, except that nobody runs over the same pothole twice!
775. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a
vacuum cleaner?
Answer: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside!
776. Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of
buffalo?
Answer: The lawyer charges more!
777. My son (age 6) is seriously into a set of superheroes called X-Men. It
seems that one of the characters caught his interest the other day and he
wanted me to explain if the guy was a good guy or a bad guy. "Well Son,
he's a little of both, I said. "He's a mercenary." What's a mercenary? he
asked.
"That's someone who will fight anyone if someone pays him enough" I
answered. Then my daughter (age 9), trying to put it into perspective for
my spreadsheet one more time." The engineer excused himself, and made
a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board
room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of
research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards
and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer stands up,
pulls the drapes, dims the lights, and motions silently for the committee
members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he
replies, "How much do you want it to be?!"
788. Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate
on. Everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest" said
the second surgeon, When you open them up all their organs are
alphabetically ordered. The third surgeon said, I prefer to operate on
electricians. All their organs are color coded. The fourth one said, "I like
to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their
head and their behind are interchangeable!"
789. When you're about to be sentenced for tax fraud, don't send your
date to plead for leniency! Don't get upset when hardened criminals know
your lawyer on a first-name basis! After spending $100 an hour on a
lawyer, don't expect a good night kiss! When you wake up in the morning
and see your lawyer standing naked in the shower, you know it's going to
be a rotten day!
790. A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled
road. The bill of fare is as follows:
Sauted Tourist - $10
Braised Reporter - $12
Fried Diplomat - $15
Barbecued Lawyer - $110
A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost
so much. The headhunter replied, "If you had ever tried to clean one of
those devils, you would understand!"
791. Lots of things go on during "spring break" as the college students let
off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a
field near the beach, and was appearing before a judge. "I plead not guilty,
Your Honor. I only went there to get relieved" he testified. "Well, I'm
inclined to accept your explanation." said the judge. "I guess some
allowances must be made for 'emergencies'." "That's true to a point, Your
Honor," said the arresting officer. "But what about this young lady here
who relieved him?!"
792. It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot.
The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying
focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as
the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor. "The defendant is
accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please
tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked
the prosecutor. "I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and
disgusting. I can't use language like that." "Would it help to just write it
down?" The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had
said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was
then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the
jury. The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and
was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an
attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note.
He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to
her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket. The
judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff." "But your honor,"
the juror protested, "It's a private matter."
793. Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in
divorce court. The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of
your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?' Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is
correct.'
'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires. Phil
replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'
794. Gary was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area.
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence. They
should not put up such misleading notices, said Gary. It said, Fine For
Parking Here.
795. Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your
fourth-story window.
Accused: I did it without thinking, your Honor.
Judge: Thats no excuse! Dont you see how dangerous it might have
been for anyone passing by at the time?
796. A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the
little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave? Of course not, dear. replied the mother, Why would you think
that? The tombstone back there said, Here lies a lawyer an honest
man.
797. A lawyer died and was delivered into the devils hands. You will be
spending eternity here, but Ill let you pick your own room from three Ill
show you, the devil said. In the first room were thousands of people
standing on their heads on a brick floor. I dont like that, said the
man. Show me the second. In the second room were thousands of
people standing on their heads on a wood floor. Well, thats better than
brick, the man said, but show me the third. In the third, thousands of
people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested
garbage, all drinking coffee. Ill choose this room, he said. Into the
room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of
a minor demon rang out, OK, coffee break is over, back on your
heads.
798. A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got
on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyers office and asked
if he could arrange a divorce for him, Very quick! The lawyer explained
that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked these questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.
LAWYER: No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?
POLE: It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.
LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?
POLE: No, We have a carport and dont need a grudge.
clocks behind. She asked, What are all those clocks? Yamraj answered,
Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie Clock. Every time
you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
Lawyers wife : Oh, Whos clock is that?
Yamraj : Thats Gandhis. The hands have never moved indicating that he
never told a lie.
Lawyers wife : And whose clock is that?
Yamraj : Thats Abraham Lincolns clock. The hands have only moved
twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life.
Lawyers wife : Wheres my husbands clock?
Yamraj : Your husbands clock is in my office, Im using it as ceiling fan.
802. Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce
court. Angelina says: "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi
he'always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me
on top. I just canna taka dis anymore." The judge listens solemnly then
addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, isa dis true.You always a picka your nose
and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and,
yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go'sa
back to when I'ma young boy. My poppa, he'sa very smarta man. I always
follow ev'ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, Giuseppi, I gotta tella
you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always
keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up.
803. Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The
judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce
from Minnie!" Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???" The
Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I
can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is
crazy!" Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I
said she was f**ing Goofy!"
804. A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition
going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families
have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally
kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the
fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with
the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!' The courtroom goes silent
and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man
at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.' The judge
agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation
by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best
man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, 'OK.' 'Well,' said
Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I
continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going
and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt
over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right
between her legs.' Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that
must have hurt!' 'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
805. "Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four
times," the judge said. "Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied. "What did
you steal?" the judge asked. "I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the
suspect. "One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to
breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the
first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
806. A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer
put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've
looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and
honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"
807. The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the
Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move.
You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without
creating a hostile work environment.
808. A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came
along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at
the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his
820. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
821. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
822. A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following
exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury
how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and
measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
823. How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie? His lips start moving.
824. Important Legal Terminology:
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a
criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call
him a defense attorney.
825. A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher
shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's
office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from
my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the
dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back,
"Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this
morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few
days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from
the lawyer. The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."
826. A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his
place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an
intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man
muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it
with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting
demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
827. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
828. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
829. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most
cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until
the next morning?
830. One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were
walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and
attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the
other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that
woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark,
turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat
appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good
night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The
following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to
leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me
the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see
you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when
he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a
lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His
lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such
grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as
follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of
property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery,
which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length
of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the
property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but
upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the
amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted
property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to
assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed
and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His
defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally
planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady
has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time,
and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my
client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones,
sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him.
We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the
unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the
rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the
defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not
known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property.
Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones,
pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only
dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much
larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less
desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or
have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the
plaintiff for damages." The defendant immediately wrote a check.
831. A local United Way office realized that the organization had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in
charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give
not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in
some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First,
did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness,
and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer
interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to
a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her
penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely
beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off
once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to
you?"
832. A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce,
and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About
four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a
stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this
case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I
mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and
uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do
you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport
and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any
infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo
sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes,"
she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally,
in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I
don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My
husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
833. A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have
reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a
week." "That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few dollars myself."
834. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a
man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the
stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
witness.
835. How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? Just say,
"Fees."
836. What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in
sand? Not enough sand.
837. A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the
other place". But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the
point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the
same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend
the rest of eternity up here." The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a
deal, so he said "OK". St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".
The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!". St
Peter said, "We go by billing hours".
838. Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the
third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is dog.
The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says See
Lawyer.
839. Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. I
don't understand, Cindy complained. When people find out I'm a lawyer,
they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that? Her friend
appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves
time.
840. A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to
their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a
bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was
huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting,
color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There
must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said,
"There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're
our very first Lawyer!"
841. "You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the
witness. "Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I
swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every
time I try, some lawyer objects."
842. What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no
windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32
vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun
with only two bullets? Shoot the lawyer twice.
843. Husband: I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get!
844. Lawyer: When I was a boy, my ambition was to be a pirate.
Client: Congratulations! You have been successful.
845. One of the renowned lawyer in Texas had made love to a city
prostitute who unfortunately forgot to take her panty from the lawyers car.
Afterwards he drove home and as usual the wife came in open arms,
hugged him warmly and led him to the house. The man then
remembered, Honey please rush to the car and get some chicken. Sorry
I forgot to bring it with me. The lady dashed to the car. What met her
eyes? a womans panty! Caught this idiot today. You thought you
could escape this time round! She muttered. With all her strength she tore
the panty into pieces and rushed back to the husband ready to tear him
down. During all this time the man had realized his folly and was ready. He
was smart enough. Now why do you ruin my life? the lady asked. You,!
Do you realize what you have just done??? the husband stammered
outrageously Thats the case of ten million dollars I told you yesterday
and the panty was the rape evidence. What am I presenting before court
tomorrow? Why do you rush into action without consulting me first?
You must produce that item! Unbelievably the wife was so sorry. She
even went to look for the torn pieces and brought back to her husband
with a promise never to repeat the mistake. She wouldnt imagine her
husband losing 10 million. The man went inside the bathroom, said a
short prayer and came out smiling on his victory.
846. Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident
to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were
fine?" "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule
Bessie into the--" "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.
"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
that you were fine?"
"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"
"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just
fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By
this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told
the lawyer so. "Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the
highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at
me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How
are you feeling?"
DOCTOR JOKES:
847. Doctor: Madam! Your husband needs rest. Here are some sleeping
pills.
Wife: Doctor! When should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
848. The surgeon told his patient who woke up after having been
operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because,
you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you." "Well, if it's just because of
them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone!"
849. The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks. "And did
he?" "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill!"
850. Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before!"
851. Doctor: Good morning, Paul! Haven't seen you for a long time."
Paul: I know, doctor. It's because I've been ill!"
852. Patient: Doctor, I think I need to get my eyes checked up.
Man: You certainly need to. This is a restaurant!
853. Doctor: How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and
forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair
weeping uncontrollably the next?
Nurse: A basketball coach!?
854. Doctor: You are suffering from depression. Dont keep anything with
you that worries you a lot.
Patient: Ok doctor, I just threw away your 'doctor charges' bill!
855. Lady: Doctor, my husband is speaking in his sleep.
Doctor: Just allow him to speak to you during the day, he will become
alright!
856. Patient: Why are you checking my eyes while its my foot which is
injured?
Doctor: I wanted to know what happened to your eyes when you left your
foot inside the gutter!
857. Doctor: What? Your 'eyes' got a cold?
Patient: Yes doctor, I was wearing a cooling glass!
864. A man went to the doctor and said, Doctor I've injured my arm in
two places. The Doctor replied, Well, don't go back to those two places
again!
865. My brother went to see the Doctor last week and was told, You
should go to Brighton, its brilliant for a cold. So he went ... and got one!
866. Doctor: Dont worry your health is fine. You'll live to be ninety.
Patient: But doctor, I am already ninety years old right now.
Doctor: See, I told you so!
876. Question: Why is it that Doctors always seem to know exactly what
is wrong with you?
Answer: They have a sick sense!
877. A plumber mended a leak at the doctors house. The two minute job
cost 200. I don't charge that much and I am a doctor. Neither did I
when I was one said the man, that's why I became a plumber!
878. My sister went to the doctor complaining of a bad back. The Doctor
examined her and said, It's just due to old age. My sister said that she
wanted a second opinion. Okay said the doctor, you are quite ugly as
well!
879. A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks
him, Has your injury affected your memory since I saw you last? It has
replied the man. How? quizzed the doctor. The man said, I keep
forgetting things. The doctor asked, Can you tell me an instance of
something that you can't remember!?
880. I asked my Doctor the other day, Do you think that I should have a
child after 38? The Doctor replied, No, 38 children are more than
enough!
881. My wife went to the doctor last week and asked, I am 4 months
pregnant, when do you think the baby will move? The Doctor replied, If
you are lucky, as soon as she finishes college!
882. A man goes to the doctor and says, Help me doctor, I cant help
stealing things? Okay, take these pills twice a day for a week replied
the doctor. But what if they dont work? said the man. Then get me a 42
inch plasma television!
883. My brother went to see his doctor last week and said to him, Lapels
frighten me. The doctor replied instantly, I know what the problem is
youve got cholera!
884. There was a man who had a headache for twenty years and was at
the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a
specialist first. No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them
said, You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against
your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove
your testicles. The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed. On his
way home he walks past a tailor shop with a sign saying ALL SUITS
HALF PRICE. Being in need of a new suit, he walks in where a man
greets him and says, Hello Sir. I see you want a suit; I would say that you
are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant. Wow! How did you know that? said the
man. Why Sir? I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like
shoes to go with that?
Sure says the man. Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide. Ok, now
you're freaking me out. Thats a great talent says the man. Thanks
replied the shopkeeper, Now how about some undergarments? Ok see
if you can guess my size, said the man. Easy 36 said the
shopkeeper. Nope 34 replied the man. To which the shopkeeper
exclaimed, "Impossible! A size 34 would squeeze your testicles against
your spine and youd get a headache!
885. Patient: Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?
Eye Doctor: Yes, why not?
Patient: Thank you very much doctor. I have been illiterate for so many
years!
886. Doctor: Do you really think your memory is improving?
Patient: Not exactly, but I have progressed so far that I can frequently
remember that I have forgotten something!
887. Doctor: How many fingers am I holding up?
Patient: Six!
Doctor: I really do not know what is bad, your eye-sight or your
arithmetic!
888. Patient: Doctor, do you know the cure for love at first sight?
Doctor: I do.
Patient: What is it?
Doctor: Take a close second look!
889. Young man: Doctor, my memory has been growing worse that I
constipated." The doctor tells him to drop his pants, examines him for just
a moment, and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker
leans over the table, the doctor whacks him across his ass with a baseball
bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. When he returns, he says,
"Doc, I feel great! What should I do?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping your
butt with those old cement bags!"
899. One day two deaf mutes meet on the street. They had been friends
in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch
up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf mutes
learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This
amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure.
His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute
wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor
informed the procedure took 26 days and cost 1 million dollars. The man
handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doc tor to start the
treatment that day. The doctor had the man strip and lay over the
examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of
mayonaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got
a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf
mute's ass. The mute screamed, "A!A!A!" The doctor said, "very good we
will work on the B's tomorrow.
900. A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked
at
him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied
that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at
him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man
replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The
man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said,
"What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied
that he felt great.
The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so
bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into
the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you
look terrible." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he
looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor said, "Are you sure you
feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great! The doctor got
out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he
looked up the subsection "feels great". The doctor said, "I found it right
here under 'looks terrible, feels great'. The man, at this point very nervous,
inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?" The doctor replied, "According
to my book... you're a vagina!"
901. A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but
if
you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course
I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years
I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," the man said, and
proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has
ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain
his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen."
902. A man went to see his docter concerned about a mysterious ring that
he had found around the tip of his penis. The docter looked him over and
immediatly gave him a lotion to rub around the infected spot and told him
to come and see him in the morning. The man come back in joy saying
that the ring around the tip of his penis had all but disapeared like it was a
miracle. He curiously asked the docter, the lotion you gave me is it some
new wonder drug? The docter replied chuckling, no my good friend it was
lipstick remover.
903. A young man went to a doctor and said, I am very thankful for the
medicine you had given. It was a great help and I was greatly benefited.
But I dont remember you ever came to me and that I had given you any
medicine said the doctor. My uncle was your patient, who got the
medicine, explained the young man, He died 3 days after taking your
medicine and I am now the sole inheritor of his wealth!
904. What are my chances of recovery? asked the bed-ridden man.
One hundred percent recovery, the physician reassured him, Medical
records show that nine out of every ten die of the disease you have. Yours
is the tenth case I have treated, the others all died. You are bound to get
well!
905. Young doctor: Why do you always ask your patients what they have
for dinner?
Old doctor: Its a most important question, for according to their menu I
make out my bills!
906. Ralph and Edith were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there. Edith promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Ediths
heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went
to tell Edith the news she said, Edith, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person
you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The
bad news is, I am afraid that Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt straight after you saved him. I am really sorry, but he's
dead. Edith replied, He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home!?
907. A patient went to his Doctor who said, I have bad news and really
bad news. Whats the bad news? asked the patient. You only have 24
hours to live said the Doctor. Thats terrible, what could the really bad
news be? The Doctor replied, "Ive been trying to get in touch with you
since
yesterday!
908. A woman went to the Doctor and said, When I looked in the mirror
this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot
what is wrong with me? The Doctor replied, Well the good news is that
your eyesight is fine!
909. My girlfriend was slightly overweight. So our Doctor put her on a diet.
He said to her that she had to eat regularly for 2 days, skip a day and
repeat that procedure for 3 weeks and that when he see her next time,
she should have lost at least seven pounds. When she returned 3 weeks
later, she had lost 18 pounds. That's amazing, said the doctor, Did you
follow my instructions? My girlfriend replied, Yes but I tell you what, I
thought that third day was going to kill me. From hunger? asked the
Doctor. No, from skipping! replied my girlfriend.
910. Doctor: You are on a diet. So eat a single egg and half a cup of
milk.
Patient: Before or after lunch doctor!?
911. A new patient arrived at the local health centre and the receptionist
was taking down some details. What is your age Mr. Jones? she
enquired. I'm not telling you came the reply. We need to know for our
records said the receptionist sternly. Okay, take the number 26 and
double it and then add 14 said Mr. Jones. That equals 66 said the
receptionist. Now take 66 away from that figure and what do you have?"
Mr. Jones retorted. Zero said the receptionist looking rather
puzzled. Exactly, and that is what chance you have got of me letting you
know my age!
912. Patient: Every night in my dreams, celebrities come and play
football.
Doctor: Dont worry, take this tablet and everything will be fine.
Patient: Can I take it tomorrow? Today is the final match!
913. Patient: Pease give some vitamin tablets for my one year old son.
Doctor: Do you want Vitamin A or B or C?
Patient: Anything will do. My son doesnt know the alphabets yet as he is
just an year old!
914. Woman: Doctor, I have a problem. I am...
Doctor: I know your problem. You always dream that you have become a
horse, right?
Woman: How do you know?
Doctor: Your pony tail hair style!
915. Mr.Jones: Doctor, my son is having a problem. He plugged up his
ear and nose with chilies. Now he is screaming.
So, I take an `or what`." "Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I`m
late, so the boss asks me, `Are we going to write this down in the book,
or what?` So, I take an `or what. I take a cab to go home after work and,
as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, `So, are you
going to pay this time, or what?` Again, I take an `or what. So you see,
doc, by the time I get home I`m all tired out and don`t want it
anymore." "Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your
husband, or what?"
937. A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is
her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth
hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I
know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip
and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
938. The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we
are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.
But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That
is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I
see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change!"
939. There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be
differentiated by the following method:
General Practitioners know nothing and do little!
Surgeons know little and do everything!
Internists know everything and do nothing!
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too
late!
940. The nurse went in to check her patient in the ICU who was wearing
nasal prongs. The nurse tried to talk to him, but all she could get out of
him was gasping and unintelligible talk. Finally, the nurse thrust a note pad
and pencil at the patient and said, "I can't understand you, sir. Please
write it down." The patient weakly scribbled on the pad, "Get your dang
foot off my oxygen tube!"
941. Bill: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
Bill: Every time we play Scrabble!
942. Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor?
Doctor: A kite!
943. Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
944. A new arrival about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors
searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost
something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart
transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone!"
945. Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something
to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this
prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill!
946. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I
say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble!?
947. Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs. Brown!
948. Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV!
949. Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?
Doctor: Yes there is...being young and broke!
950. Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else!
951. Patient: Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Nothing!
952. Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye
named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye!?
953. Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember
anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills!?
954. Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live
longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer!
955. Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!
956. Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it
in?
Doctor: A shoebox!
957. Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress; I
keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I? You stupid fool!
Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped,
your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have
AIDS.
Patient: Good grief! What's the good news?
Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news!
965. The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a
psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it
worries him!
966. A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing
isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try
this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes,
stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't
respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you." The
man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet
behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so
he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he
moves to five feet. Still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her
and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I
SAID CHICKEN!"
967. Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth!
968. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
969. Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like!
970. An elderly retired gentleman had severe hearing problems for some
time. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for
a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever
heard before. One month later, the elderly man went back again to the
doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman said, "Oh, I
haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"
971. A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20
times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting
because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says, "I see. Take
these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady
goes back, "Doctor" she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me,
but now my farts... although still silent they stink terribly." "Good" the
doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your
hearing!"
972. A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to
go see her doctor about it. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I got
stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer. The
doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"
973. A lady walks into her doctors office screaming. She yells, "Doctor,
Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?" The doctor asks, "Well, how
long does the hair grow?" The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but
that's a different story!"
974. The doctor walked into the waiting room where a man had been
waiting for several minutes. He said, "Hi. What seems to be the
problem?" The man replied, "I'm not sure, doc. There's something terribly
wrong with my penis! Is turned bright orange!" The doctor looked
surprised and said, "Orange?? I've never heard of anything like that, and
I've practiced medicine for 30 years! Let's have a look at it." The man
dropped his pants and showed the doctor his penis. Sure enough, it was
bright orange, and the doctor gasped.
"Oh, my God!" he exclaimed. "I've never seen anything like this before!
When did you first notice this?" The man said, "About an hour ago." The
doctor said, "Can you think of anything you have done that could have
caused this? What were you doing right before you noticed this?" The man
said, "Well, nothing, really. Just watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."
975. A man goes to the Doctor and says: "Doc, i have a problem, my
penis is too big. It is 20 inches long!" The doctor looks worried and says:
"you're right. it's way too big. i'll tell you what you need to do- outside the
city in a small forest there is a magical frog. When you find her, ask her if
she wants to marry you. Every time she says no, your penis will be 4
inches shorter".
So the man goes to the forest and finds the frog. He tells her: "Hi dear
frog, would you like to marry me?" The frog answers coldly: "not a
chance". Immediately after, the man's penis loses 4 inches. He goes home
but after a while he discovers that 16 inches is still way too much. He goes
back to the frog and asks: "will you marry me?" The frog answers: "No!"
After a whil, unsetisfied also with his 12 inches, the man decided to go to
the frog one last time. he asks her: "dear frog, will you marry me?" The
frog answers: "how many times do i have to tell you? no! no! no!"
976. A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his
chest. Worried that it might be a second incision the doctors hadn't told
him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down
enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped
firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the
kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters on the tape
was the sentence, "Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to
last week!"
977. An eldarly couple go to the Doctor. The man complains that when
they have sex, the first time is OK but during the second time he sweats
like a pig.
The Doctor asks the wife if she has any idea why her husbands sweats
like that. "That's obvious", she answers. "The first time we have sex is in
the winter, the second time is in the summer".
978. A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his
operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse
say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all
right." "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about
that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
979. 2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of
them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY
PENIS!!" The other friend said, "Dont worry, I am going to town to find a
doctor, I will be right back!" So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok" the
doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out." The friend says
thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friend asks, "WHAT
DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?" the other friend replies,
"doctor said you going to die!"
980. Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India and said,Doctor I
am on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully
within this period.
Doctor : I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic,
see that board.
Man : No, Doctor, I have come to you only.
Doctor : But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal
specialist. I do not treat human beings.
Man : I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only
Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like
me which means you are a human being and not an animal.
Man : I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first.
Doctor : OK. Tell me.
Man : I sleep vigilantly like dog thinking about my work load whole
night.
I get up in the morning like a horse.
I go to work running like a deer.
I work all the day like a donkey.
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses.
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife.
Doctor : Are you a Software engineer?
Man : Yes
Doctor : Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the
beginning itself that you are a Software engineer. Come man, no one can
treat you better than me.
981. Kevin thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much
alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for
him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions
trying to convince the guy that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books
and proceeded to show the guy that dead men dont bleed. After hours of
tedious study, the guy seemed convinced that dead men dont bleed. Do
you now agree that dead men dont bleed? the doctor asked. Yes,
I do, the guy replied. Very well, then, the doctor said. He took out a
pin and pricked the patients finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The
doctor asked, What does that tell you? Oh my goodness! the guy
exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger Dead men do
bleed!!
982. Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination
given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be
free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain
them for seven years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a
diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first
patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks
both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The
third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. Congratulations!
Youre a free man. Just tell me why didnt you jump? asked the
doctor. To which the third patient answered, Well Doc, I cant swim!
983. Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. Doctor, he said sadly, Im
afraid Im going to have to ask you to cut off my dogs tail. The vet
stepped back, Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing? Because
my mother-in-laws arriving tomorrow, and I dont want anything to make
her think shes welcome.
984. Osama consults a psychic about the date of his death.
Psychic: You will die on an American holiday.
989. Receptionist: 'The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.'
Patient: 'I hope not - I only came in for a check up.'
990. Man goes to the doctors and sayes 'doctor, I cant stop my hands
from shaking !' Doctor replies 'do you drink much ?' Man says 'no, I spill
most of it !'
991. A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender
gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he
misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot
doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I
want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the
examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in
and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in,
the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says,
"That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
992. A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the
crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to
the doctor. He says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next
week and my fianc??e is still a virgin in every way." The doctor said, "I'll
have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should
be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a
neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive
work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry
and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse
to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he'd ever seen
them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this,
it's still in the CRATE!"
993. An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor
was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh
oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doc,
"you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and
I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate
sex... you'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol.
I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if
your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK...maybe I
would have such sex with you..." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next
day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him: "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol
Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old
lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so
desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz... Now, I'll just address this... By the way,
Sol, what's your wife's first name?"
997. A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How
are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring
me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like
a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?" he says, "I'm
told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't
be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup
of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot
chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of
bed."
998. In a nursing home, one of the old women was running up and down
the hall, flipping her nightgown up and down and yelling "Supersex!
Supersex!"
An old man was sitting in a wheelchair outside his room. The woman ran
up to him, pulled her nightie up: "Supersex! Supersex!" He looked at her
for a moment contemplating and then said, "I think I'll have the soup."
999. During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to
disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor" she replied shyly, "I
just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off
the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few
moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed.
What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
1000. A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready
for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be
home in an hour." "Perfect" she replies. The man thinks her agreement is
because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes
the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but
no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I
won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his
Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It
would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes"
the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?"
said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need
Viagra with the housekeeper..."
1001. A guy tells his psychiatrist: It was terrible. I was away on business
and I wired my wife that Id be back a day early. I rushed home from the
airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I dont get it. How could
she do this to me?" "Well" says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didnt get
your telegram."
1002. A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered
a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his
skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched
him caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenious feedings
of water and electolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra. "What good will
Viagra do him in that condition?" the nurse inquired. The doctor replied, "It
will keep the sheet off of him."
1003. This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital
informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the
emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the
waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to
speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't
take it. I love her."
Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news." Again the guy interrupts.
Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"
Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a
vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life.
She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home
because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing." The guy slumps,
just crushed.
Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a
day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely
live for at least another 30 years." The guy sinks even lower, just crushed,
and starts to cry.
Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll
have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll
need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market
today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're
gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment
your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By
then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state
and federal aid." By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably. The
doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at
me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just Screwing
with you, she's dead."
1004. A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can
increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the
money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The
farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the
cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The
next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks
very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the
fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!" "Wow," says the
banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills,"
replied the rancher. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know,
1008. A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a
guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is
burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is
there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?" So the doctor
says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra". "Viagra?" says the poor guy.
"How will that help my sunburn?" "It won't help your sunburn much" says
the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"
1009. Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while
he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe,
don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go." But
invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a
vet."
1010. A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave
him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with
him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia,
you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
1011. One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much
it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist
says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a
cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I
can knock the price down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the man
says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the
teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope,"
moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his
head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price
down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next
Tuesday!"
1012. A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have
an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think
about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then
said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked
up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a
rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang,
bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old
said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit." The doctor replied, "My
point exactly."
1013. A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe
problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions,
but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems. Finally, he
asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having
sex?" "Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?" "Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!" At this point
the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said,
"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me,
you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that
seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that
time?" "She was watching us through the window."
1014. The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so
he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the
patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man
objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection
to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' The
dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.' The patient says,
'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' It doesn't' said the
dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your
tooth.
1015. I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little
concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think
I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink
beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat
rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said "No, I've heard that all red
meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?" "No, I don't," I said. He said,
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said.
"I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then
why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
1016. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her
an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen
abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a
break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and
she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would
*never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor
faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became
enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying
attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just
that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three
wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure
out who got your daughter pregnant!"
1017. A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family,
"Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male
brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor. Some
of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men
nodded because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter
was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male
brains and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor. "Women's brains have to be
marked down because they've actually been used."
1018. In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of
it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions
right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky gents were Patty and
Mike.
They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They
were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and
motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into
the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the
doctor. "Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you
know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get
them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have
been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded and the
doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was
to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?" "I would be half blind
of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely
blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor
then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed
Mike's files. When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike
what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The
doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with
Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the
other question so that he could figure out what the man was
thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be
completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had
passed. But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he
said flatly, "My hat would fall down over my eyes."
1019. A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor
runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top
condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with
God?" And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real
bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the
bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it
back off." Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the
man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's
connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the
restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when
he leaves. Is this true?"
And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
1020. The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an
infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of
gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the
child and then started to squeeze the lady's breasts. He then unbuttoned
her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.
"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight,
you haven't any milk!"
"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"
1021. Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and
pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the
dental clinic after hours. But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we
have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."
"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him. "Besides,
we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."
"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"
1022. Actual Medical Charts:
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Exam of genitalia
reveals that he is circus sized. The skin was moist and dry. Rectal exam
revealed a normal size thyroid. She stated that she had been constipated
for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. Between you and
me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his
usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. I
saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. The
patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is
presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Bleeding started in the
rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Both breasts are
equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down. Exam of genitalia was completely
negative except for the right foot. While in the emergency room, she was
examined, X-rated and sent home. The lab test indicated abnormal lover
function. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a
job as a stockbroker instead. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Examination reveals a welldeveloped male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Patient was alert
and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
1023. While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of
medical students. As you can see he says, the patient limps because
his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. The doctor turns to one of the
students and asks, What would you do in a case like this? Well,
ponders the student, I suppose Id limp, too.
1024. A short history of medicine:
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
1025. A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him
looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That's nothing .
We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man,and have him
looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor says, "In my country,
medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in
another man,and have both of them looking for work in two weeks." The
American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us.
We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House,
and now half the country is looking for work.
1026. The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith
made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered,
"No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over
with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist
admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife.."Show
him, honey."
1027. The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning
heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk whats
up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldnt find the cough
syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it
all at once."
"Laxatives wont cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily. "Sure it
will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him.
doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in
half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was
doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He
thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face
is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should
get him down from there before he hurts himself" Patient #1 replies,
"What? And work in the dark?"
1032. A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?" "You, sir, in the first row,
please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
1033. A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally
seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be
released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution,
decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release
you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do,
I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear
physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons
research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself
to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and
stressful." "Marvelous," said the head of the institution. "Or else,"
ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for
spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head. "Then again, I might write. There is
considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might
even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution." "An
interesting possibility," said the head. "And finally, if none of these things
appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
1034. A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers
an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot
take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an
instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the
nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the
tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?" The patient hesitated,
"Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
1041. An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his
options with his doctor. The doctor said, We have three possible donors;
tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who
died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman
who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is
an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years. Ill take the
lawyers heart, said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor
asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. It was easy, the
patient replied. I wanted a heart that hadnt been used.
1042. Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check
for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the
certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you
mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
1043. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body
of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy!
1044. A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting
undressed together for the first time. The man took off his shoes and
socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to
your feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." "Don't
you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." Men then removed
his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees. "What happened to
your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had Kneesles." "Don't you mean
measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his
shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
1045. This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the
doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his
professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her
pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I
am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she
replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The
doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am
doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to
take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts
having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing
now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
1046. A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the
house like he used to. When the examination was complete, he said "Now
Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well in plain English,"
the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me
the medical term so I can tell my wife."
1047. Q:Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm the school bell.
A: Take These tablets and if they don't work give me a ring in the morning.
1048. An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being
able to hear out of one ear. The doctor then took his penlight, looked in
her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something
out. After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well....it
seems you inserted a suppository into your ear..." The old lady thought for
a second, then responded "Gee....I guess that explains why I can't find my
hearing-aid...!"
1049. Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts?
Doctor: Well, stop doing it!
1050. This black woman was vastly overweight, and I mean MASSIVE
and she went to see the doctor about her weight. She said to him, "Have
you got any dieting remedies or anything that can help me loose
weight?" The doctor replies, "Yes we do, all you need to do is shake your
head from left too right, simple eh?!" She says, "WOW that's amazing,
um... when do I do it?" The doctor says, "Next time you order food."
1051. There is woman at a mental hospital that are told to go out into the
world and find out something new about it. After about 3 hours she go
back to the hospital and tell the the manager what she has learned. The
woman goes up to the manager and puts a large spider on the table and
shouts, "BOO" and the spider scurries under the table. She then picks up
the spider, pulls all of it's legs off and shouts, "BOO" but the spider can't
move. The manager then looks strangely at the woman and asks her what
she has learned about the world. The woman replies, "When I pull all the
legs off a spider it can't hear me!!!!!!"
1052. A woman and baby are in the doctors surgery, the doc is concerned
about the babys weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed? The woman
replies, "Breast fed." The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he
can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both
breasts for a while ... "No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no
milk." Woman replies, "I know, Im his granny ... but Im glad I came!"
1053. Patient comes to the doctor, doctor says:
- So, what concerns you?
- Dr, everyone ignores me!
- Next!
1054. A patient comes to a doctor, who asks him: - Do you smoke?
- No.
- Do you drink?
- No.
FAMILY JOKES:
1071. Son: Dad, what is sex?
(Father got tensed but still he explained everything)
Son: But dad, how will I write all that in this small box in admission form?!
1072. (While filling a form)
Son: What should I write about my mother tongue?
Father: Too long!
1073. Two friends, who hadn't seen each other in several years, met on
the street. "Who are you working for now?" asked the first. "Same
people" answered the other, "My wife and four children!"
1074. A farmer used to work a little every night, making a wooden bowl.
What are you doing, father? asked the oldest of his children. I am
making a bowl for grandfather because he breaks all the porcelain bowls.
I am making for him one that he cannot break. Make it good and strong,
replied the youth, so that you can use it later when you grow old!
1075. I am responsible for making my father a millionaire. Oh, the
friend questioned, what was he before that? A multi-millionaire!
1076. Son: Shall I take up economics Dad?
Dad: Certainly. It would not make us rich but you would know why we are
poor!
1077. One day a boy asked his parents, How do wars break out? How
are they declared? So the father, who was very learned in economic
matters, started talking about wheat, oil and all the things that divide the
world. But the mother thought the boy was too small to understand such
things and she said, Let me explain it. The mother began to explain and
the father grew angry. A great argument developed. The boy was very
frightened really. He held up his hands and cried, Stop, Stop! Now I know
how wars begin!
1078. Nicholas: Mike has given me his goat.
Mother: But you cant keep it here. What about the smell?
Nicholas: It is all right. The goat will not mind it!
1079. (A policeman broke in to a house where a fight was going on.)
Policeman: Who is the head of the family?
Woman: That is what we are trying to settle now!
1080. No matter which girl he brought home, a bachelor had disapproval
from his mother. A friend advised him: Find a girl just like your mother
then she is bound to like her. Thus the bachelor tried and finally found the
girl. He told his friend: As advised by you, I found a girl who looked,
talked and even cooked like mother. As you have predicted, mother liked
her. So asked the friend, What happened? My father disapproved
her! replied the bachelor.
1081. Kevin had just proposed to his girl friend, Emily. He asked her father
for her hand in marriage. Do you think you can earn enough to support a
family? the old man questioned. Yes sir, I am sure I can replied Kevin
confidently. Think and tell me carefully young man. We are 12 in number!
the old man warned.
1082. Unable to attend his father's funeral, a son who lived far away
called his brother who lived near his father. "Do something nice for Dad
and send me the bill." The next month, he got bill for $200.00, which he
paid. But the next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also
paid, assuming it was some incidental expense. But when the third month
yet another bill for $200.00 arrived, he finally called his brother to see
what was going on."Well," said the brother, "you said 'do something nice
for Dad.' So I did.I rented him a tuxedo!"
1083. During a quarrel with his parents, the teenager announced, "I want
excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here
at home, so I'm leaving. And don't try to stop me!" As he headed for the
door, his father followed him. "Didn't you hear me? Don't try to stop me!"
"Stop you?" said his father, "I was thinking of joining you!"
1084. Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing
peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in
the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration
for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but
succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of
fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way
out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying
medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two
fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the
nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her
boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit
down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll
become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well says the
man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be
our son-in-law."
1085. My brother asked my Dad the other day, Dad, are you able to
write in the dark? I think so said my dad, What do you want me to
write? Your name on my report card! was the reply.
1086. Boy: Mom, why do women wear white dress during the marriage?
Mom: Because its the happiest and best day in their life.
Boy: Then why do men wear black dress!?
1087. Ron: If you do something wrong, why your father punish your
brother?
Tim: We are twins!
1088. A young boy was teaching mathematics to a young girl, saying that
this was his good deed. He kissed her; he then kissed her again; he
kissed her a third time adding, There, thats addition! She silently gave
him the kisses back sweetly saying, So that will be subtraction!? They
then kissed each other at the same time. Both smiled and said together,
That's multiplication! Just at that moment, the young girls father arrived.
He kicked him for two blocks exclaiming, That's long division!
1089. My daughter who is at college came to me in tears the other day
saying that I have given her terrible financial advice. When I quizzed her on
what she meant she said, It was you that said to put all my money into
that particular bank and now it has troubles. You must be mistaken I
told her, It's one of the biggest in the county. Well, why have they just
sent back my cheques with a note that says, Insufficient funds!
1090. Alice is talking to her friend Maud in the local coffee shop. She says
I made a huge mistake at supper last night. I meant to say to my motherin law, Please could you pass me some butter? Instead it came out,
You stupid cow, you have totally ruined my life!
1091. My Grandma was talking to my Mum the other day and said, But
Angela, the best that we can ever hope for with men is that they learn to
behave properly in public because they will never grow up!
1092. My younger sister came up to me the other day and said that God
must love silly people. When I asked her why, she said, Well, if he didn't,
he wouldn't have made so many of them would he!?
1093. My little brother was pondering the other day and asked, Why is it
that in the U.S.A., they only choose the President from two people but
they choose from 50 or so for Miss America!?
1094. My father gave me sound advice when I was growing up. He told
me to never lend money from an optimist as they will expect you to pay
them back!
1095. My daughter came to me the other day and said, Daddy, I like to
worry. Why is that? I asked her. Because 95% of stuff that worries me
never happens!
1096. My father gave me some sound advice when I was growing up. He
told me that I should never hit someone with glasses. A baseball bat does
the job much better!
1097. Mother telephones her son, Your sister gave birth last week but I
dont know if she had a girl or a boy so I cant tell you yet whether you are
an auntie or an uncle!
1098. Mother telephones her son, Your Grandfather fell into a vat of
school she replied, I bet he'll be surprised at getting more than 50 pence
like I was!
1105. A woman gave her two sons to different families for adoption. One
goes to an Egyptian family and called Adjo. The second child goes to
Spain and is called Juan. Many years later, Juan sends his mother a photo
of himself. She turns to her sister saying that she wished that she had a
photo of her other son. The sister responded, Hey, they are identical
twins. If you have seen Juan, you have seen Adjo!
1106. I asked my ten year old nephew the other day, Billy, what do you
think it would take to make marriage work? Well, I'd tell my wife she
looked lovely even if she looked like a bus! he said.
1107. Isn't parenting strange? When you have the first child and go out in
the evening, you call the babysitter atleast 5 times. When you have the
second child, you leave the telephone number of where you are going to
with the babysitter. When the third child arrives, you leave strict
instructions that the babysitter only calls you if there is blood!
1108. Ask any father and he will say that they spent the first 18 months to
2 years trying like mad to get their daughter to speak and the next sixteen
years trying to make them shut up!
1109. My daughter who was about five years of age was having trouble
understanding what marriage was all about. I got out the wedding album
to see if showing her through pictures would help whilst explaining the
service to her. When we had finished, I asked her if she had questions.
She replied, I understand now. That's the day that you started to work for
Mummy, isn't it, Daddy!?
1110. A mother asked her son to go and get a pizza for the family supper.
She gave him some money and a $2 discount voucher. When he returned
with the pizza, he still had the coupon. When his mother asked for his
explanation he said, Didn't need the coupon as there was enough money
without it!
1111. 3 things to avoid saying during childbirth:
1117. My dad gave me this advice, Son, there are a couple of times in a
man's life when he does not understand a woman. What are they? I
enquired. Before marriage and also after marriage!
1118. As my Grandpa gets older, his memory is not quite what it was.
Only the other day he asked me, You know your younger sister, the
twenty two year old, what is her age!?
1119. My brother's fiances father asked him the other day if he would be
able to support a family in the future. He replied, No sir, I had planned on
supporting just your daughter; the others in the family will have to sort
themselves out!
1120. While on vacation, my brother looked after my cat for me. When I
returned the following week, I telephoned him to arrange to collect the cat.
My brother seemed upset. I don't know how to tell you but the cat died
on Thursday he said. I was mortified and shouted at him, You could have
found a better way to tell me that the cat was dead. You should have told
me that she fell off the roof and although the vet did his best, the injuries
were too great. I guess you're right agreed my brother, it was a bit
insensitive of me. Thats okay I replied. How is mother by the way? I
enquired.
My brother retorted, She fell off the roof!
1121. A student wrote a letter 2 his dad from hostel: Dear dad, no money,
no fun, your son. His dad replied: Dear son, so sad, very bad, your
dad!
1122. Girl: If you don't marry me quickly, someone is saying that he will
kick me.
Boy: Who is that, you dad or brother?
Girl: Neither. It's our baby in my stomach!
1123. Boy to his girlfriend: Hey one beggar is following us.
Girlfriend: Oh My God! Its my father!
1124. Girl 1: My dad saw me on a bike with my boyfriend.
Girl 2: What happened then?
started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've
never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get
me and take me home...please mamma!" "Now Sarah..." her mother
answered, "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter
words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mamma."
wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've
got to come get me and take me home...please mamma!" "Darling, baby,
you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma...words like
dust, wash, iron and cook!"
1133. Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the
front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately
wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do, son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said, "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?" "I dropped the ball!"
1134. A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The
father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?"
the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah
scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to
provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed
to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for
us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as
she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the
young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the
father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide,"
replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the
father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the
mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job
and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
1135. A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises
in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old
daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the
mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get
married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the
room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard
noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter
using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. His daughter
replied, "I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never
get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father
walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the mother
came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator
in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Christsakes, what are
you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm
doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
1136. The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved
to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to
grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being
pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent
it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look
like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it
cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
1137. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are
inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same
mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a
jerk!
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think
you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on
your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack
confidence and are a general loser!
ARIES (Mar21-Apr 20) - You are the pioneer type and think most people
are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick!
TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a
dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a communist!
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for
too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for
thriving on incest!
CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to
other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always
putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be
worth a penny. Everybody in prison is a Cancer!
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think
you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate
honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving
sods and spend most of their lives kissing mirrors!
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This
nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
often fall asleep while having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and
pimps!
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time
with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All
Libras die of venereal disease!
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) - The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in
business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success
because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect S.O.B.. Most
Scorpios are murdered!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You
have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The
majority of Sagittarius' are drunks. You are not worth the time of day!
CAPRICORN (Dec22-Jan 19) - You are conservative and are afraid of
taking risks. You are basically spineless. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance. Become a monk!
1138. Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first
one.
"What is it?" "My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my
mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am
fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?" "What
did you buy her last year?" the other one asked. "Last year I bought her a
VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot." "Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said
the other. The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law
didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day
arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for
her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the
wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so
and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you
want to tell him, or should I?!"
1142. Daughter told to her mother, Right now I have seen a healthy
white big cat went out from our kitchen. Mother told, It is good sign and
fortune to see a white big cat. Daughter replied, Yes fortune is that it
has eaten all of your foods.
1143. One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing
each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and,
smiling, he says to her: "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows
up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad
says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be,
Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell
him to take his hand off the intercom."
1144. Irritated tenant to the land lord, Look, the rain is simply pouring
through the roof of my bed room. Landlord replied, Just as our contract
says, Running water in every room!
1145. A lady was pregnant. Her son asked her Mom, Whats in ur
tummy?
Mom answered Its a sweet, lovely baby. Son says, If the baby is so
sweet and lovely then WHY DID U EAT IT???
1146. Son to his mother The people next door must be poor. Mother
said, Why do you say that? The son replied, Because they made
such a fuss when the baby swallowed a ten penny coin.
1147. A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but
discovered that she was out of credit; she instructed her son to use
his own phone to pass across an urgent message to daddy who is at
site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it
was a lady that picked up daddys phone the three times he tried
reaching dad on the mobile.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from site, immediately
she sighted him, she gave him a very hot slap, while the man was trying
to ask why? She repeated the slap, people from neighborhood rushed
around to know the cause of this. The man asked junior to tell everybody
what the lady said to him when he called, Junior said the number u are
trying to call is not reachable.
1148. There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying,
Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale. A preacher walked up and asked
why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, I caught them at the
dam, so theyre dam fish. The preacher bought some, took them home
and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in
bewilderment and said, Preachers arent supposed to talk like that.
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook
them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the
preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, Thats
the spirit dad. Pass me the fucking potatoes!!!!
1149. Son asked the father Worry causes tension and tension causes
disease, is it true dad? Father says, Of course, Yes. Son replied, That
is why I stopped worrying about my studies.
1150. A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter. What are you doing? She asked. Hunting
Flies He responded. Oh!, Killed any? She asked. Yep, 3 males, 2
Females, he replied. Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell? He
responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
1151. An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, A mature and
distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive
suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room
with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, Good morning,
your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I cant marry
her because of my personal family situation, but Ill take charge. If a girl
is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa
and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a
couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory
and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you
suggest I do? At this point, the father who had remained silent, places a
hand firmly on the mans shoulder and tells him: Then you try again!
1152. When the man came home, his wife was crying. Your mother
insulted me, she sobbed. My mother? How could she do that when she
is on vacation on the other side of the world? the man asked. I know. But
this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was
curious.
And? At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when
you have finished reading this letter, dont forget to give it to my son.
1153. Banta and and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a
couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking
about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his
father some questions. How does this boat float? Banta thought for a
moment, then replied, Dont rightly know, son. The boy returned to his
contemplation, but soon came up with another one, How do fish breath
underwater? Once again Banta replied, Dont rightly know, son. A little
later the boy asked Banta, Why is the sky blue? Again, Banta replied,
Dont rightly know, son. Worried he was going to annoy his father, he
said, Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? Banta
immediately assured him, Of course not, son. If you dont ask
questions, youll never learn anything!
1154. Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar
drinking shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, You
know my parents are forcing me to getmarried to this so called homely girl
from a village whom I havent even met once. We call
this arranged marriage. I dont want to marry a woman whom I dont
love I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.
The American said, Talking about love marriages Ill tell you my story. I
married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a
couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my
father became my son-in-law and I became my fathers father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my fathers brother
and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a
son. Now my fathers son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I
have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you
say you have family problems
1155. A little girl asked her mother, How did the human race come
about?
The Mother answered, God made Adam and Eve; they had children and,
so all mankind was made. A few days later, the little girl asked
her father the same question. The father answered, Many years ago
there were monkeys, and we developed from them. The confused girl
returns to her mother and says, Mom, how is it possible that you told me
that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed
from monkeys? The Mother answers, Well, dear, it is very simple. I
told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you
about his side.
1156. Gary was traveling down a quiet country road when he noticed a
large group of people standing around outside a house. He stopped and
asked a farmer why such a large crowd was gathered. The farmer
replied, Billy Bobs mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died. I see,
Gary said. Well, she must have had a lot of friends. Naw, the farmer
said, we just all want to buy his mule.
1157. A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find
her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both
trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of
whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp,
they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up
against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing
her. The wife cried, What are we going to do? Nothing, said the
hunter husband. The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself
out of it.
1158. A girl came back home from the school and asked her
grandmother, Granny, what is a lover ? A lover!! the grandmother
said. Let me think. Lov Lover. Oh, my God! She rushed to the
wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet door. She
unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the
closet.
1159. My friend Fred had twins. He named them Tin and Martin. Again
had twins and named them Peter and Repeater. Again twins and named
them Max and Climax. Again the same. Disgusted Fred named
them Tired & Retired.
1160. A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen
listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living
room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of
b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And
all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train,
cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her
son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to
go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you
come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice
language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and
resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother
heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for
riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those
of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under
your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began
to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the
TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
1161. Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and
confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is
also my son. That's confidential."
1162. One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I
guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a
computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and
cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the
computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about
it. It only costs $10.00. Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a
jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause,
out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak
your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two
weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if
this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some
tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife
and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went
back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed
lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
1163. This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about a block
apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy
was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hitman.
Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. Well, for their 12th birthday,
the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22
Baretta. The next day they are out on the street corner comparing
their presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other.
The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father is NOT
pleased! "What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!!
Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down
and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day,
you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man.
What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how
long you gonna be?'"
1164. There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his
own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his
best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated,
and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a
date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he
would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to
menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who
was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father
answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over
and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said, "My name's
Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went. The final
young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off,
"Hi, my name's Chuck..." And the farmer shot him.
1165. Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about
in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout
fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim.
Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into
the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm
around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the
man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man
said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was
my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his
pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
1166. Molly, age 9, and Sammy, age 10, are sitting on the front porch
swing. Sammy says to Molly, "Screw you, Molly." A minute goes by and
Molly replies, "Screw YOU, Sammy." A moment or two and Sammy says,
"Screw YOU, Molly." In response, "Screw *YOU*, Sammy," Molly says.
After about ten minutes of this, Molly's mom comes out on the porch and
says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"
They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"
1167. Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when
Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked
the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you
should take one; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?"
asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill answered the son. "I don't care," said
Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as
soon as I break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00
under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not
$110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
1168. John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal,
she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She
had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate
for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the
two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder
whether there was more between John and Judy than met the
eye. Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can
see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest
assured Judy and I are strictly roommates." A few days later, Judy went
to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever
since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think
she would have taken it, do you?" "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just
to be sure," replied John. John then sat down and wrote his mother the
following letter: "Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy
ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the
fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been
missing. Love, Your son." Several days later, John received a reply from
his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep
with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains
that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in
her own bed. Love, Mom."
1169. A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen
to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What's are these,
Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the
boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks
over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3
in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He
notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for
college men," The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and
TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?"
he asks, picking up a12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
1170. Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I
won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to
change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing
machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in,
pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't too bad
here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days
and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you,
your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with
the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got
another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last
payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the
car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me
and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out
what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a
girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out
but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned
for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has
happened. PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope
was already sealed.
1171. One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand
full of chicken wire. His father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son
replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.' The father said, 'Son, you
can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew
what he was doing. Later on that day, the son came home with two
chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's
doing.' The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with
some duck tape. The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son
replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.'
The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duck tape!' The son insisted
that he knew what he was doing. Later on that day the son came home
with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he
does know what he's doing!' The next morning the son got up and was
leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold
up, son, let me put on my shoes!'
1172. Two twins returned home each with a letter from there teachers
explaining they had been using extremely bad language and not to come to
school. The next day when the twins each gave there dad the letter he
gave them a hiding and sent them to bed. The next morning the twins got
up "what do you want for breakfast" asked there dad to which one of the
twins replied "i'll have some of those fucken cornflakes thanks" his dad
immediately gave the twin a hiding and sent him to bed. "Now what do you
want for breakfast" the dad asked to the other twin. Well i won't have any
of those fucken cornflakes thats for sure" the twin replied.
1173. A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The
farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey
Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get
the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Billy Bob answered, "but I
don't think my Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on boy," the farmer
insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but my Pa won't
like it." After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host. "I feel a lot better
now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad." "Don't be foolish!" the
neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?" "Under the
wagon."
1174. Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1175. A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the
hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining
consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at
his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother
said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and
since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and
asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name
them?" Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The
husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up
with for my son?" The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
1176. One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son
praying:
"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father
didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The
next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The
father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit
spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and
Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until
morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead
of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside
his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray:
"God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his
pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day
to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife
was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could
really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this
morning!"
1177. Dear Mom and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,
please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS
YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty
well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of
the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are
pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called
the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital
and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he
was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a
basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have
fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the
exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes
Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking
forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and
give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a
child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has
some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood
tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the
penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our
family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is
ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know
your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the
fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will
love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his
father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he
came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not
in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis
and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in
History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the
proper perspective.
Yours,
Your Loving Daughter.
1178. An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young
jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, "I'm
a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and
I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in
bed whether I like it or not (sob)." The young jogger says, "Man, you have
everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in
your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?" The old man says, "I
can't remember where I live."
1179. Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the
couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and
self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the
whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game,
hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not
true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
1180. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
1181. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
1182. Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little
Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost. Little Johnny
calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." "Well" said
his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive
evening." "To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done
more, but that was all the money she had."
1183. A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely,
healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the
new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at
his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
1184. One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to
go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his
wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't
stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the
infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he
had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the
baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the
diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. "Here's the problem", the
Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!" The father was very perplexed, "But
the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
1185. The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've
found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want
from me, sympathy?"
1186. A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The
boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I
don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father
watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes
off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... "Go get your Mother."
1187. A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The
pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which
the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while
and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the"
night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And
I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me,
she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The
young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits
down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give
the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying
for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told
me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and
whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
1188. A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they'll go for
a long ride after that. Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the
garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap,
which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately
purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends
house. Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the
situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or
chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they
had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up
everything. Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is
unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The
boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes
and has take her in front of everyone. Girlfriend gets excited, mom is
embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word.
After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother
and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and father are infuriated.
But still nobody speaks. A little more time passes and the boy hears a
clap of thunder and remembers his bike and whips out the vaseline and
gets up when the father screams ,"OH NO. I' LL DO THE DISHES"
1189. A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are
there?" The father, surprised, answers: "Well, son, there are three kinds
of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they
make you cry."
1190. Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast
table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some
f*ckin' French toast" he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits
him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She
is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest
son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I
definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."
1191. A boy come suddenly and find out his dad having s*x with his mom.
He said, "Hey dad, wha are you doing?"
Dad: "I'm just making baby for you ."
Boy: "So come on, have your way with me and make me a nice bike."
1192. Dad says to his son, "Don't mast*rbate to much because you will go
blind." Son say, "I'm over here!"
1193. Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story. "Once upon a time
there was a white bunny....." "Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science
fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said. Once upon a time there was a Bunny
who got onto a spacecraft and...." "Dad, a little more grown up!" "Do you
promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!" "Ok",
"Once upon a time there was a naked bunny......"
1194. Boy asks his Gran nervously, 'have you seen my pills... they were
labeled LSD?' Gran replies 'fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in
the kitchen ?!'
1195. A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche
and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that
truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?"
demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche
cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the
parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for
fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I
don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my
bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen
dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" moaned the mother" she must be a child
abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and
see what"s going on." So the boy"s father walked up the street to the
house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting
petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had
sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know
why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my
husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he
had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come
back). He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to
sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
1196. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
1197. A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework. Dad, he says,
"What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'"? Father
scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says,"That's a tough one; it's
probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she would sleep
with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same
question" ... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. Dad, they both said for 1
million quid...? Definitely!!! Well son, says the old man, "There is your
answer; potentially, we are sitting on 2 million quid; realistically, we are
living with a pair of slags....!
1198. Mum,can i dress a bra?
- No.
- Why not.I am 14 years old!
- How many times I will say you "no", Michael...
1199. Daughter: Mom,does God go to bathroom?
Mom: Why? my child..
Daughter: Today in the morning I heard papa said, "Please God let me go
to the bathroom..."
1200. A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people
mentioned in the will: 'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in
rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.' The
lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in
sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business
and $1 million.' The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Cowboy, who
hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in
my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!'
1201. A girl comes home with a smart boy. She introduces him to her
mother.
Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Smart boy: Not really madam, but this is the only way to marry your
daughter!
1202. Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
1203. A father passing by his sons bedroom was astonished to
see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he
saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, Dad. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope
and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that Im writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
Ive been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight
motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but its
not only the passion, Dad, shes pregnant. Joan says that we are going
to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of
firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children. In the meantime, well pray that science will find a
cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Dont worry
Dad, Im 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, Im sure well be back to visit, so you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. Im over at Tommys house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card thats in my desk drawer. I love you! Call me when it is safe for
me to come home!
1204. When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift,
and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room
engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea,
which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea and lots of
praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait
in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea,
because it was, Just the cutest thing!
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, Did it ever
occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water
is the toilet?
1205. Do you think a man shuld tell all his thoughts and actions to his
wife?
That would be a waste of time. She already knows all his thoughts and
the neighbors keep her informed of his actions!
1206. Man: Is that your little boy Madam, who is burying my coat in the
sand?
Mother: No, thats my sisters little boy. Mine is the one filling your hat
with water!
1207. A mother at a playground told her small son, Now Im warning youif you get lost, dont come crying to me!
1208. A lawyer wired one of his clients, Your mother-in-law passed away
in her sleep last night. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?
The client wired back: Take no chances, order all three!
1209. A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants
appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them. "Mommy, what's that
long thing on the elephant?" he asked. "That's the elephant's trunk, dear,"
she replied. "No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between
the elephant's legs?" asked the boy. Embarrassed, the mother replied,
"Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and
sodas. While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked,
"Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's
legs?" "That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father. "Well, why
did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked. Taking
a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"
1210. Just after the maid had been fired, she took five dollars from her
purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former
employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me
clean the dishes all the time!"
HUMOUROUS DEFINITIONS:
1211. Father: A banker provided by nature!
1212. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you
are early!
1213. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life!
1214. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do!
1215. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions!
1216. Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you a sleeping pill!
1217. Public Speaking: The art of diluting a two minute idea with a two
hour vocabulary!
1218.Diplomat: A person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you look forward to the trip!
1219. College: Rest house for the restless!
1220. Tongue: The deadliest of all blunt instruments!
1221. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in
midway, See I am not injured yet!
1222. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present!
1223. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water power!
1224. Group Discussion: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on!
1225. Classic: A book which people praise, but does not read!
1226. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
1227. Clock: A device to measure how much time we are wasting!
1228. Garden: A thing of beauty and a job for ever!
1229. Junk: Something you keep for ten years and then throw away two
weeks before you need it!
1230. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their
mouth!
1231. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together!
1232. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes!
1233. Advice: A castor oil easy enough to give but dreadfully uneasy to
take!
1234. Conference: A meeting of bored people!
1235. Consultant: A consultant is someone you pay $100 an hour to give
you the same advice you ignore from your assistant!
1236. Dancing: The art of pulling your feet away faster than your partner
can step on him!
1237. Influence: Something you think you have until you try to use it!
1238. Etiquette: Learning to yawn with your mouth closed!
1239. Yawn: Opening ones mouth and hoping that the other would close
his!
1240. Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that
you can die rich!
1241. Successful man: A man who earns more than his wife can spend!
1242. Professor: One who talks in someone elses sleep!
1243. Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house and plans a draft of
your money!
1244. Dentist: A magician who put metal into your mouth and pulls coins
1262. A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
1263. If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say? "Darling,
could you tell me about your work!"
1264. A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by
the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3
minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot
thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your
wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if
you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife
agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the
farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a
brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I got to tell you, I almost
screamed when my wife fell out!"
1265. Friend: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table!"
1266. Kevin: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
Eden: Buy her a diamond ring!
1267. She: Don't you think a little common sense would prevent many
divorces?
He: Why, I'm sure that it would keep people from getting married in the
first
place!
1268. Husband says, "When I'm gone, you'll never find another man like
me."
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you?!"
1269. Wife: Honey! What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing!
Wife: Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour??
Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date!
1270. A wife was not happy that her husband always said, My room, my
cot, my almirah, my car, etc., and she suggested to him to say our since
all the things in the house belonged to them. One day, when he was
searching for something in the almirah, she asked, What is it you are
searching for? Our shaving set replied the obedient husband!
1271. The newly-wedded man took his young wife to the throat specialist
treatment. After operating on her tonsil, the surgeon observed: You know,
this tonsil ought to have been operated on when she was 6 years old.
The young man took the hint and when the bill for the operation came, he
forwarded it to his father-in-law for payment!
1272. Husband: It says here in the paper that a silly woman can manage
a clever man, but it takes a very clever woman to manage a fool.
Wife: Thank you dear. That is the nicest compliment I have had today!
1273. Husband: This is a remarkable book. It proves how stupendous,
how marvelous is Nature. Whenever I read something like this, I realize
how insignificant man is.
Wife: A woman does not have to read such books to learn that!
1274. A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly
Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg
over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish
whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down
there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an
Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a
hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and
asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if
that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the
Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the
bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep,
set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep
nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus
got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,
1278. New married bride to new husband: When we get to the motel, lets
act like we have been married for years. New Husband, Alright, you
carry the bags.
1279. A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some
important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted
everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she
didnt have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to
run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very
grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the
steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of
old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wifes
party. It was well past 10 when he remembered. Oh no!!! My wifes
dinner party!!! He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the
way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top
of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down
the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in
the door way wondering where hes been all this time. He looked at the
snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the
snails and said, Come on guys, were almost there!!
1280. A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's
wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that
necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready
while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work
wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the
bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready
while I start dinner." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home
from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a
raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my
bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her
bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to
her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I
didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
1281. A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the
older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son
had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and
was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey,
before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my
child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your
son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank
God he didn't ask about the other three."
1282. As US tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife were sitting outside a
Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman
approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded
no results, he asked where they were from. "America," Morris replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not
from the States." "Yes I am." said the wife. He looked at her and asked.
"Is he your husband?" "Yes." she replied. Turning to the husband, he
said.... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." Morris looked stunned, and there
was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale." After the
salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked "Morris what took you
so long to answer? Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get
100 camels back home."
1283. A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some
arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The lady
replies "I want to kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason"
says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a
photo of a man and a women in a compromising position - the man is her
husband and the lady is the druggist's wife - and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says... "Oh I didn't know you had a
prescription!"
1284. A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her
obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants
me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a
reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine
until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He
wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
1285. A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the
husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping
cart. What do you think you're doing asks the wife. They're on sale, only
$10 for 24 cans he replies. Put them back, we can't afford them,
demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles
further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in
the shopping cart. What do you think you're doing? asks the
husband. Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful, replies the
wife. Her husband retorts: So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the
price.
1286. A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the
husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the
couch. The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided
to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro
shop at the club where he usually played golf. The wife talked with the
pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How
much is it?" she asked. "One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She
felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an
inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained.
"But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'." "Oh, that
will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the
first place."
1287. A couple just started their Lamaze class, and they were given an
activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea
of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged
saying, This doesnt feel so bad. The instructor then dropped a pen and
asked the husband to pick it up. You want me to pick up the pen as if I
were pregnant, the way my wife would do it the husband asked. Exactly
replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his
wife and said, Honey, pick up that pen for me.
1288. Wife to Husband: If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral
procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you.
Husband: All right, but it will ruin my day.
1289. A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man
said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.'' The
woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?'' The
man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
1290. A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was
mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that
modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500
for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a
large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made
any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their
options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man
looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked
the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
1291. A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law
at the funeral. As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said: Why
are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!? The husband replied,
I know, I thought I saw her move!!
1292. It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep,
when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and
says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" - and prompty slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who
was that?" The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to
know if the coast was clear."
1293. A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
paint the wooden toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected,
sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught
about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a
large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get
to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The
man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well,
yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
1294. After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was
to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and
felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's
office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for
discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband
held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the
wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their
marriage. After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor
went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately
for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there
speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at
what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife
NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and
replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."
1295. Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in
the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." A
tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred
dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you
thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an
accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I
like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my
money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of
you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a
hundred dollars anytime you want!"
1296. A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My
husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her
husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly,
it's her that suffers not me."
1297. Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the
boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So
one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear.
Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to
shore." So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife
walked into the living room where her husband was watching
television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to
him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
1298. A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this
particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel
and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I
register - I'll be back within an hour." The wife lies down on the bed... just
then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the
room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak
occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so
violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager
says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife
insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right
to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What,"
he says, "are you doing here?" The manager replies: "Would you believe
I'm waiting for a train?"
1299. A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down
the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign
stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband
and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They
proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last
year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times
last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one,
also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated
365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He
mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn
from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it
was 365 times with the same cow."
1300. A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby
bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and
starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to
another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he
realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder,
which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is
waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have
you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked,
but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I
saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led
to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your
hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God
damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!" Moral of the story: Always tell
your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway. At least your
conscience is clear.
1301. Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they
both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was
woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the
children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer,
dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's
up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about
it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids
do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really
enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh,
that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
1302. Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound
up playing with her husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive
way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look,
surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors
he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green. He saw this as
an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the
doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact.
Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the
wife in the head and killed her. Years went by, the man finally remarried,
and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same
situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new
wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if
he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn. "No way," he replied.
"I can't do that." "Why not?" she asked. He responded, "The last time I did
that something terrible happened."
"What happened?" she asked. The man answered, "I got a double
bogey."
1303. "I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the
counselor. "Has she started to neglect you?" "Not at all," the dejected man
replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My
shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat,
she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television
shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a
headache." "So what's the problem?" "Maybe I'm just being too sensitive,"
the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts
her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"
1304. The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of
their
dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The
husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it
seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One
time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between
the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get
the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept
ringing the bell. When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to
know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over
here." "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure
ain't helping none either."
1305. At 7 AM, a lone wife hears a key in the front door. She wanders
down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen drunk with ruffled
hair and lipstick on his collar. "I assume" she snarls, "that there is a very
good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?"
"There is" he replies, Breakfast.
1306. My wife and I always compromise. How? I admit I am wrong
and she agrees with me!
1307. Wife: Before our marriage, you used to tell me, You are like a
beautiful
movie, Not now.
Husband: Yes, but at that time, you were a silent movie!
1308. Wife: Why do you wear your specs only when I come in?
Husband: The doctor has ordered me to wear my specs whenever I get
an headache!
1309. Husband: Do you know that on an average, women speak between
10000 to 35000 words a day?
Wife: Yes, that is because they have to repeat everything often to men.
Husband: What!?
1310. Husband: Do u know the meaning of wife?
Without Infomation Fighting Everytime!
Wife on hearing replies, It also means With Idiot For Ever!
1311. My wife has never really thought much of me. Only the other night,
she turned to me and said, George, do you know that you are stopping
some small village having an idiot!?
1312. After 40 years of marriage, I took my wife to a hotel room where
they had a waterbed - or as she called it the following morning the Dead
Sea!
1313. My wife and I were having a difference of opinion the other day.
After about ten minutes, she turned to me and uttered, But darling, if I
were to agree with what you say, then we would both be in the wrong!
1314. A man and his wife were on the Titanic as it was sinking and just the
one life jacket remained. I love you so much Doris that I will think of you
often - as he put on the jacket and jumped into the sea!
1315. A man comes home from a hard days work to find some weight
lifting equipment on the stairs, he asks his wife what the hell she is doing
wasting money on the gear, and she says that they will help her increase
her breast size. He says, "All you need is some toilet paper!" She seems
puzzled. "Yeah all you need to do is rub the toilet paper between your
bust, and it makes them bigger." "How do you know?" she asked. "Well,
look what its done to your bum!"
1316. A husband and wife were getting ready for bed one evening.
"Honey," the fellow asked, "do you want to have make love tonight?" "No
dear, not tonight," she replied. "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that is my
final answer!" "In that case," he said, "may I phone your friend?"
1317. Husband to wife: I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
1318. A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your
fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his
wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright,
resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your
weight wrong, too."
1319. A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle
laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian
is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish,
anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like
drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever
I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the
Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it.
He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the
liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that
he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha,
come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes
another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink,
that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is
the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses.
The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the
sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to
grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the
glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises
the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
1320. A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day
for
months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day
the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had? she replied,
I don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and
he likes it. The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption, it
could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the dog
food and left.
This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into the store.
Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of bread, the clerk
ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied, No, my husband passed
away several weeks ago. The clerk said, I tried to warn you, that dog
food could kill your husband. The woman said, OH, the dog food had
nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and stopped to lick his ass,
and was hit by a car.
1321. An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They
are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife
has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her
trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in
the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That
putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her
husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!".
1322. Three men go golfing together one day. When they get to the Third
hole, one said to the other, "How did you manage to get here today past
your wife?" The second man said, "It wasnt easy. I had to promise my
wife that I would paint the full house outside. How did you do it?" "Well,"
the second man replied, "I promised my wife that I would remodel the
Kitchen and Bathroom." Then, a few holes latter, the first two asked the
thrid man how he got here today. "Easy," said the third man. "I put my
alarm on last night for five thirty this morning, and when the alarm went
off, I rolled over, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, 'Golf course or
Intercourse.' and she replied back, " You better take a sweater, I think its
going to be cold"
1323. It was their 25th Wedding Anniversary. The man of the house
started out to his office as usual. Neville his wife called, Dont you know
what day this is? Yes, really I do, said Neville. Well, how are we going
to celebrate it? asked his wife. I dont know Olivia, said Neville,
scratching his head in confusion, How about two minutes of silence!?
1324. The solitary man was looking anxiously as if he had lost something.
Are you looking for anything in mens clothing sir? asked a polite
assistant. Certainly not was the reply. Im looking for something in
womens clothing. Ive lost my wife!
1325. Wife: The doctor has come to see you.
Husband: Tell him that I am not feeling well and wont be able to see
anyone!
1326. Husband: Do you know that John who lives next door has two
girlfriends unknown to his wife.
Wife: Who is the other one!?
1327. After 45 years of marriage, I looked at my wife carefully and said to
her, Darling, 45 years ago we had a cheap car, a cheap apartment, slept
on a sofa bed, watched a small black and white television, but I got to
sleep with a gorgeous 21 year old girl every night. Today, I have $1 million
house, Ferrari, huge king sized bed, plasma screen hi-definition television
but am sleeping with a 66 year old woman. My wife, being the
reasonable woman that she is, told me to go out and find a 21 year old
gorgeous girl and she would make certain that I once again would be
driving a cheap car, living in a cheap apartment, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a tiny black and white television. Dont you just love older
women they really know how to express themselves!
1328. A elderly married couple were walking in the park the other day and
noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, kissing passionately.
The wife asked, Why don't you do that? The husband replied, I don't
even know that woman!
1329. Beggar to a lady: You look like an angel. Kindly give some alms to
this blind beggar.
Wife: Look how he is trying to cheat telling he is blind.
Husband: He sure should be blind.
Wife: How do you say?
Husband: He told that you look like an angel!
1330. Man1: My wife says that if I drink once more, she is going to leave
me.
Man2: Oh!
Man1: Am going to miss her!
1331. Wife: I have a happy news for you. Soon we will be three of us in
the house instead of two.
Husband: Wow!
Wife: Yes, my mom is coming to stay with us!
1332. Wife: Do you know that the guy next door kisses his wife three
times a day, gives here roses every evening. Why dont you be like that
too?
Husband: Well, I can try as long as he allows me to kiss her!
1333. Husband and Wife were driving through a highway when they saw
some donkeys.
Husband: Are those donkeys your relatives?
Wife: Yes, kind of. They are my in-laws!
1334. Man1: What is the secret of your marriage?
Man2: We go to the restaurant, have a candle light dinner and walk back
home. I go on Fridays while she goes on Sundays!
1335.Who are the only people who listen to both sides of an argument
between husband and wife? The neighbors!
1336. Mr. Anderson: I am very lucky. When I talk with my wife, she
always bows her head.
Mr. Smith: Why?
1345. I was driving home the other night and stopped to pick up a hitchhiker. As we traveled along, my passenger noticed a brown paper bag on
the back seat. What do you have in that bag? asked the man. It's a fine
bottle of wine for my wife. He replied, Excellent swap!
1346. My wife told me the other day that she had a new job working in a
bowling club. Tenpin? I asked her. No, its' full-time! came her reply.
1347. I went to the supermarket with my wife last week and bought some
cheese from the deli. She said to me, Ooh, I see you've bought some of
that Armageddon cheese. Puzzled I said to her, Why do you think I've
bought Armageddon cheese? Because it says, Best Before End on the
side of the packet of course!
1348. My wife came home last week and shouted excitedly, Quick, pack
your bags; I've won 20 million on the National Lottery. Where are we
going? I asked. She replied, What's this we just pack your bags and
get out you useless man!
1349. A man on his deathbed calls over his wife of 60 years. Alice he
gasps, my dying wish is that after six months of my passing, you marry
Bert from next door. But you said that you have always hated Bert said
Alice. Oh I do dear, I do!
1350. My wife greeted me as I entered the house. I had been drinking, so
there was the smell of lager on my breath and unknown to me, also some
lipstick on my shirt collar. I hope that you have an extremely good reason
for rolling in at seven in the morning she bellowed. Of course I do I
replied, I want some breakfast!
1351. I went to the Doctors the other day and was sitting in the waiting
room very bored. I picked up a magazine on Airplanes to read. As I went
through it, I saw an article called "Rough old Bird." I thought, Why are
they writing about my wife!?
1352. Man at the Pizza counter: Why did you bring your pregnant wife to
our shop?
Husband: Because there is a board outside which says 'Free Delivery'!
1353. Two men talking in a pub. First man said, How did you get that
black eye? Second man, My wife hit me and it was all because of
television programmes. I don't understand said the first man. Well, she
asked me if I knew what was on TV. and I replied DUST!
1354. Two men were chatting in a pub. First man says, What is your
wifes name? Her name is Doris but I call her five horses replied the
second man. Why do you call her that? NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG is all
she ever does! he replied.
1355. When I came back from work yesterday, my wife informed me that
the cat had eaten my dinner. No worries I replied, We can always buy
another cat!
1356. Arthur had been away from home on business for several days. On
his return, his wife told him how much the dog had missed him. Every
night, Millie would be waiting by the front door for you coming home she
said. Wow, that is devotion Arthur replied. Would you be that
concerned? Darling she replied, If you had been gone all night and I
had no idea where you went, you bet your life that I would be waiting at
that front door when you got back!
1357. My wife and I were off for an evening out and I put the cat out
before leaving. Just as the taxi came, the cat shot back inside as we were
coming out. I went back to bring it out again. My wife, not wishing it to be
known that nobody was left in the house said to the driver, Hes gone
upstairs to tell my mother we are leaving. Five minutes later, not knowing
what my wife had said I exclaimed, Sorry for the delay but the silly old
thing was hiding behind the cupboard so she needed to be poked with a
stick to bring her out!
1358. Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are
about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match, a large
funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course.
One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in
prayer. The second man retorts, Gee man, that was really respectful.
Well, we had been married for over 25 years! said the other man.
1359. It was a pleasant Sunday morning and four married men are playing
a round of golf. At the 9th hole, the first golfer says, You don't know what
it took for me to get here this morning. I promised the wife that I would repaint the whole house next week. The second golfer says, I'm in a worse
position than you are. I've promised to put down new decking around the
swimming pool. The third guy says, That's nothing. I've had to design
and pay for a state of the art new kitchen for my wife. They carry on
playing and suddenly realize that the fourth golfer has remained silent.
What did you have to promise to get out today? they asked. It's a
bit sensitive. All I can say is that the foundations will be poured for the new
extension on the house next week!
1360. I returned from my normal round of golf late last Sunday and my
wife asked me why I had been so long. All was fine I said, until at the
11th hole, George had a cardiac arrest and died on the spot. That's
terrible my wife said. No kidding. For the rest of the round it was a case
of hit a shot, drag George, hit a shot, drag George!
1361. An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was
driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said,
Mam, did you know you were speeding? The woman, hard of hearing,
turned to her husband and asked, What did he say? The old man yelled,
He says you were speeding! The patrolman said, May I see your
license?
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, What did he
say? The old man yelled, He wants to see your license! The woman
gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, I see you are from
Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the
ugliest woman I've ever seen. The woman turned to her husband and
asked, What did he say? The old man yells, He said he thinks he knows
you!
1362. Wife: What will I get if I keep cooking for you like this?
Husband: Well, you will get my life insurance money quickly!
1363. Married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the 1st year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the 2nd year, the
woman speaks and the man listens. In the 3rd year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen!
1364. Marriage is all about trust and understanding. She doesn't Trust me
& I dont understand her!
1365. Wife: I am going to London. What gift do u want?
Husband: A British girl
(Wife returns to India)
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait for nine months!
1366. Jake was writing something very slowly.
Jack asked: Why are you writing so slowly?
Jake: I'm writing to my 6 year old son, he can't read very fast!
1367. (Mike visits Chinese friend dying in hospital) The Chinese says
CHIN YU YAN n dies. Mike goes to china to find meaning of his friends
last words. It is, You are standing on the oxygen tube!
1368. A guy brings a raccoon home, tells his wife it's a pet. She asks,
"Where are you going to keep it?" He replies, "In the bedroom." "But what
about that horrible nasty smell? she asks. "I got used to you; I'm sure he
will too!"
1369. A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a triple shot
of Jack." The bartender pours and the man downs it, slams the glass on
the bar and says, "Another". The bartender pours another. The man
downs it and says, "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he
says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years, I've been married to my wife, and
today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY
BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says, "Geez,
what did you say?" The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
1370. A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your
husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the
following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy
breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with
chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress
worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband
several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I
think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home,
the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" He said you're
going to die!" she replied.
1371. A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel
in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once." A little further along, the poor old horse
stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little while, the
poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but
reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His
brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an
awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That's once!"
1372. A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so
instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the
boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared home
on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife
stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't
see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with
me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday
came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went
down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his
left eye!
1373. A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the
husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that
because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would
give them one wish each. The wife said, "We've been so poor all these
years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all
over the world."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her
hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment and then
said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than
me." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90!
1374. A wife was having coffee with a friend of hers when she confided to
her, "Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the
absolute worst between my husband and I. Harry often yells at me,
criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around
the house, and I keep getting the feeling that he's screwing his secretary. I
can't eat, I can't sleep...in fact, I've already lost eight pounds this month
alone!" "Well, why don't you dump the bastard?" her friend said. To which
the wife replied, "Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight
down to 115 pounds!"
1375. After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple
finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After
they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new
husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like
honey?" "Well sure" she blushed, "But we got to eat sometime!"
1376. "The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. Doug
suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an
affair?" "But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill. "Heck, this is a new age
we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug. So Bill went
home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer
together." "Forget it" said his wife, "I've tried that. It didn't work!"
1377. A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking
up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed. Driving his partner nuts, finally his exasperated partner says,
"What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is
up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect
shot." "Forget it, man! You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"
1378. A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line
dating services. I asked him the other day if he had any luck and he said
he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife!
1379. A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were
working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling
weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge.
I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill." Feeling the need to prove his point, he
got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt. "Yep" he
said, "just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife became
incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and
didn't speak to him for the rest of the day. When they retired to bed that
evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it,
honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife turned her back to him,
giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. She replied,
"You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie,
do you!?"
1380. A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the
States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep
his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one
she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books. Rotated
back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door, "Oh
darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you!
Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your
loving so much!" The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time
lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica!"
1381. Joe was not a very romantic person and furthermore he was rather
stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an
anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their
leads. He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker
towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was
great and continued to listen around the dining room. Another table over
Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl
for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good
stuff. Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young
wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig!?"
1382. A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy his wife a
new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I
had in mind." Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his
offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Curious, he asks: "What did
you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce." He answers, "I hadn't
planned on spending quite that much!"
1383. Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah" she
replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies
My Husband - Stiff At Last!'"
1384. A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of
their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and
protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his
children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the
man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a
dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong
to me or the machine!?"
1385. Observing the baby one night, a wife found her husband standing
over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down
at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief,
doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment. Touched by this unusual display
and the deep emotions with eyes glistening, she slipped her arm around
her husband, "A penny for your thoughts" she said. "It's amazing!" he
replied, "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only
$46.50!"
1386. A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on
the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer
before it starts!" The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he
says, "Get me another beer before it starts!" She looks cross, but fetches
another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a
few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any
minute!" The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do
tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy,
drunken, fat slob and furthermore..." The man sighs and says, "It's
started..!"
you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With
that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on
and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell" he
said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's
the way its going to stay until your attitude changes!"
1393. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket
out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear
a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years and then finally dies. A ceremony is
again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony, the
pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the
husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"
1394. One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the
room and asked, "If I died, would you remarry?" Peter thought for a
second then said, Yeah I guess I would. Then, his wife asked, "Well,
would you have her as your golfing partner?" Peter replied, Yep, I
probably would do that too. "But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?"
she cried. Peter looked at her and said, "Nah, she is left handed!"
1395. One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps
falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I
do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be
able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific
times. hen I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the
following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his
plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said,
nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the
leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs.
Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the
hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones
again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he
picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs.
1400. Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact,
he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six",
despite her continual objections. One night at a cocktail party, Bob
decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, "Shall we
go home, Mother of Six?" His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're
ready, Father of Four!"
1401. A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he
came to senses, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him,
he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad
times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you
were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently. "I
think you bring me bad luck!
1402. A husband and wife were disagreeing with each other and the silent
treatment was under way! The silence continued, when a week later the
husband needed to get up at 5am to catch a business flight. His alarm
clock wasn't working and he grudgingly realized that he needed his wife to
wake him up. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote
down on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up at 5 tomorrow morning so
I can catch my flight" and put it on her pillow before she came to bed. The
next morning, he awoke to find that it was 9am, he heard his wife in the
kitchen, and he had missed his flight. He noticed a note on his pillow, "It's
5am... Wake up!"
1403. A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more
than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about
10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His
wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women
use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything
they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What!?"
1404. Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept
under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their
marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning,
she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he
was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In
the box, she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very
strange so she went to Fred and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box
under our bed?" He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put
an egg in the box." Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful
but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over
20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. "But where did the 10
thousand dollars come from?" she asked. "Well, every time I got a dozen,
I sold it!"
1405. A black couple was invited to attend a Halloween costume party.
The husband asked his wife to get him a costume. The first day she came
home with a Batman costume. "Woman", he said, "you know there has
never been a black Batman! I can't wear this! Get me something more
suitable for this party." So the next day, he came home to find a Superman
costume for him. "Woman", he said again. "There has never been a black
Superman either. People will laugh at me if I wear this. Now get me
something I can wear!" On the third day he came home to find 3 large
cottonballs, a white belt, and a 2x4. "What is this?" he asked. Politely, she
said, "You can attach those cottonballs and go as a domino, you can wrap
that belt around your waist and go as an Oreo cookie, or you can shove
that 2x4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle!"
1406. A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their
8
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus
arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to
fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind
man and says to him. "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of
your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies:
"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in
the bus.
3903. A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite
up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing
back down. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while
his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men
need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to
her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on
his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a
kite."
1407. A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the
police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him,
questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any
message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother
didn't come after all."
1408. A Man comes back home at 3am, drunk as a skunk. He hears the
cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he
cuckooes nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He
is very proud of himself. The next day, his wife asks what time he got
home, and he replies, "Midnight, just like I said." She says that was good,
but that they need a new cuckoo clock. When the man asks why, she
answers: "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times,
said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times,
cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
1409. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the
best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your
toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church
beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said. The next
day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The
man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with
a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself!
You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
1410. A geezer walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse
me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her.
Could you please help me?" "What do you need me to do?" asks the
woman. "Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies. "How's that
going to help?" she asks. "No idea really...but every time I talk to a woman
with hooters like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"
1411. "Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I
was
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get
anything?" his mates asked. "yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out,
and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home
drunk."
1412. A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband
offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his
body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his
buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about
where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She
looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and
relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was
alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his
sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did
for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling" he replied, "I get all
the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!"
1413. A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband
missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a
muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still
not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the
corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked
him. "Remember when your father caught us together when you were
16?" he replied, "And remember? He said I had two choices - I could
either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said,
"Yes, I remember. So?" "I would have gotten out today!"
1414. A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your
birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got
her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on
every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of
Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the
theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she
staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband
leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
1415. John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events
of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way
downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise" he
moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse" she said, her voice oozing scorn, "You made a complete ass
of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors
and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an
asshole" John said, "Piss on him." "You did" came the reply. "And he fired
you." "Well, screw him!" said John. I did. You're back at work on
Monday!
1416. Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his
wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and
got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him
and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded
simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F." "Mom! Dad!"
their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother
wants to eat first!"
1417. A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear
wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs
which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as
a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that
by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-
flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've
never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
1420. A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice
hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why
the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the
rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The
manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for
the husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken
in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers
from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the
manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives
up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. "But
sir," the managers says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's
right," replies the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my
wife." "What! I didn't sleep with your wife!" exclaims the manager. "Well,"
the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
1421. A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the
shadows. "Twenty dollars," she says. He'd never been with a hooker
before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty dollars. They're going
at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police
officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love
to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I
didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
1422. A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front
porch with her bags packed. 'Just where the heck do you think you're
going!' said the man. 'I'm going to Las Vegas' said the wife, 'I just found
out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! 'The man said, 'Wait
a minute!' and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes
later with his suitcases in hand. 'Where the heck are you going?' said the
wife. The man said, 'I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a
year!'
1423. A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, Weve got such
a clever dog, He brings in the daily newspapers every morning. Her
husband replies, Well, lots of dogs can do that. The wife responded,
But weve never subscribed to any!
1424. Alex wants to celebrate his wifes birthday by throwing a party. So
he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what
message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says:
Lets put, you are not getting older you are getting better. The
salesman asks, How do you want me to put it? Alex says, Well
put You are not getting older, at the top and You are getting better at
the bottom. The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened
the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake: You are
not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom.
1425. Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Dont even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! Im not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
Now after the marriage. You can read it bottom to top leaving last
line.
1426. Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband
of these.
1428. A couple was golfing one day on a Very Exclusive golf course lined
with million dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, Honey, be
very careful when you drive the ball, do not knock out any windows.
It will cost us a fortune to fix. The wife teed up and shanked it right
through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband
cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, lets go
up there, apologize and see how much its going to cost us. They walked
up and knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, Come on in. When
they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken
bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, Are you the
people that broke the window? Uh yeah, sorry about that the
husband replied. No, actually I want to thank you. I am a genie that was
trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You have released me. I am
allowed to grant three wishes I will give you each one wish, and I will
keep the last one for myself. the genie said. OK the husband said. I
want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life. No problem-it is
the least I can do. And you, what do you want? the genie said looking at
the wife. I want a house in every country of the world she said.
Consider it done. the genie said. And what is your wish, genie? the
husband said, Well, since I have not had love with a woman in a thousand
years, my wish is to sleep with your wife. The husband looks at the wife
and said, Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I
guess I would not mind. The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her
for two hours. After it was all over, the genie rolled over, looked at the
wife and said, How old is your husband anyway? 35 she said.
Really? And he still believes in genies!
1429. Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St.
Peter.
So, Peter asks the first guy, How many times did you cheat on your
wife?
None. I had a perfect marriage.
Great, says Peter, You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper. And
you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?
Only twice, I think, says the second guy.
Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many
wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, The airbag.
1434. Wife: Yesterday I saw a very beautiful girl.
Husband: Then what happened?
Wife: I just kept on admiring her, on and on..
Husband (gets irritated): WHAT happened then?
Wife smiled and said: I moved away from the mirror!
1435. Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his companys
Christmas Party. He didnt even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them, a single red rose! He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees
a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he
notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little
hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner
tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian He stumbles to the kitchen and
sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, Son What
happened last night? Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out
of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you
puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for
me?? His son replies, Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, Leave me
alone, Im married!! Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time. . .
PRICELESS!!
1436. A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, Hey, Dave! How ya
doin? His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. Oh!
no, says Dave.
Hes on my bowling team. When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave
if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming
can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the
camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood
gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. "Dang man, how long you been
here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been
here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my
wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess
who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see
through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room
had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed,
handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want." So here I am!
1441. Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic s*x.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific s*x life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
1442. An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning
watching a religious program. The preacher on this show would go to all
the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then
he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed. Many
of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts.
Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the
part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me." So the little
old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And
the little old man put his hands on his crotch. The little old lady turned to
her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
1443. This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny,
nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She
replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you
know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees
and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later,
he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a
dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
1444. A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up
and
whacks him real hard on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?"
he asks. "That was for the piece of paper in your trousers pocket with the
name of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies. "Don't be silly," he says,
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of
one of the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied at this and
apologizes. Three days later, he is again sitting in his chair reading when
she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, instantly knocking him
out cold. When he comes around he asks: "What was that for?" "Your
horse phoned!"
1445. "And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting
out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied.
"That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful
satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah !
That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard!
1446. A mother and father took Little johnny to a nude beach. As the boy
walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs
bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told Little johnny, "The
bigger they are the dumber the person is." Little johnny, pleased with the
answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many
of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger
they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the
boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He
promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the
beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
1447. An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed
the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the
young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No",
said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
1448. Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave. As he got out of the
shower he said to his wife: "It's just too hot to wear clothes today honey,
what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like
this?" "Probably that I married you for your money."
1449. One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his
secretary that it his wife's birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall
and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin
realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the
idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most
expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly
runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take
the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him
and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes
that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so
sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and
then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without
any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts
down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, ''Marvin, come out to the
hallway and look.'' Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife,
and exclaims, ''All that money and they didn't even iron it?!''
1450. Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing
white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you
doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your
bedroom and I'm St Peter". Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That
can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....
you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can
be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog
or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far
from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he
was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This
ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside
him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new
hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies
Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to
explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've
never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it
happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an
egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over
him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness
was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the
best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as
he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the
back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken
bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"
1451. One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she
had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he
decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife
were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under
the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to
distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his
window. They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to
get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other
shoe?"
1452. The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch
then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior,
asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She
says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of
that Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says,
"Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor,
too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to
start using that rusty old thing, I'm Getting a tetanus shot."
1453. A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule,
at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the
dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his
wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the
all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a
splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across
the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he
arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I
know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?"
said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire
Chief?"
1454. A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the
man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up
after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She,
getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after
sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever
smoked, and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to
his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"
1455. An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a
pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys
them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and
says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him
over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on,Bessie, take a good look.
Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again,
"Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and
walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he
asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks
up and says, "Sam, what'different? It's hanging down today, it was
hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious,
Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda
bought a hat!"
1456. There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory.
One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his
job.
She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of
devoted service. Why did they fire you?" "For twenty years Ive wanted to
stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did
it!" The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had
been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what
happened to the pickle slicer?" "Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired
her, too."
1457. Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told
their new wives what their household duties were to be. The first man had
married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife
she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a
couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were done. The second man had married a woman from Florida.
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The
third man married a girl from Long Island. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but
by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.
1458. A young couple were married, and celebrated their first
night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night
long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no
towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please
bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he
opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where
she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about
midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?",
pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a
minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last
night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
1459. A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host
needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My
Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said,
"That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep
saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten
her name."
1460. A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
1463. Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair.
Every year, Fred would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And
every year, Ethel would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year, while they were at the
fair, Fred said, "Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that
airplane this year, I may never get another chance." "Fred, that airplane
ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars," Ethel replied. The pilot
happened to overhear them and said, "Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll
take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not
say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then
you'll have to pay the ten dollars." Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they
went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a
word was heard. He did all his fancy maneuvers again, but still not a
word. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Fred and said, "Gosh, I
did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, and yet you never said
a word." "Well," Fred replied, "I was going to say something when Ethel
fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
1464. A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife
answers. "Hi, is Hank home?" he asks. "No, I'm sorry, he's out running
some errands," she replies. "Would you mind if I wait?" he asks. "No, that
would be fine. Come on in," she says. They go into the kitchen, sit down,
and the guy says, "You know, Laura, you have the most beautiful breasts
I've ever seen. I'll give you a hundred dollars if I could just see one." Laura
thinks about it for a second and figures what the heck. She opens her
robe and lets him see one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred
dollars on the table. They sit a while longer and Ben says, "They really are
so beautiful. I just have to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred
dollars if I could just see both of them together." Laura thinks about it and
figures what the heck. She opens her robe and gives Ben a nice long look.
He thanks her, throws another hundred dollars on the table and says, "I
really can't wait any longer. Please tell Hank I stopped by," and leaves. A
short while later, Hank arrives home and Laura greets him at the door.
"Your friend Ben stopped by to see you," she says. Hanks thinks for a
moment and asks, "Did he happen to drop off the two hundred dollars he
owes me?"
1465. With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his
wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion. "Would you like to
have a new mink coat?" Ron asks. "No, not really," Sylvia responds. "Well,
how about a new Porche?" asks Ron. "No, thanks," Sylvia replies. "What
about a new vacation home in the country?" Ron suggests. "No," says
Sylvia. "Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Ron asks. "I'd like
a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia. "Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on
spending that much," replies Ron.
1466. A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and
sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has
a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have
black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it
just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket
counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the
world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I
accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a
good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a
tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,
'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'
1467. Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" "Oh Jack, why
would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that
question..." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right.
Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?" "Well, Jack, remember when
you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your
own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the
bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan
papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect
you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when
was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart
attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon
would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here,
to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I
can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to
save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing,
you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was
number 3?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really
wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
1468. Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the
collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of
marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just
to see how much it's all worth." "Well," his friend replies, "since you
couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never
be able to sell!" "And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell
it, my wife would kill me!"
1469. An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their
pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would
mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she
suggested. "Let's kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee,
Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame
for something that happened fifty years ago."
1470. A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife
so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his
self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on
the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his
house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his
wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're
going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my
bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral
director," said his wife.
1471. Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I
want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be
home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I
want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine
with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every
night.. whether you're here or not."
1472. On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet
celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the
benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it
you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom
responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It
teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."
1473. A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and calls home. She comes to the phone after
many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to
answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the
doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
1474. A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's
license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left
his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he
seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come
back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt
revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application. When
he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the
social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too."
1475. A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the
his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was
dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said "What
happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
1479. While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article about
a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was not noted for
his IQ. "I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks
get the most attractive wives." His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."
1480. There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of
his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved
money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his
wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in
the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. He
made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of
the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in
the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting
next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers
got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had
a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then
the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in
there with your husband!" She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go
back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that
casket with him. "You mean to tell me you really put that money in the
casket with him!? "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
1481. A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to
Australia." His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you
going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?" The first guy says, "I'm
going to go back and get her."
1482. A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they
grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared
with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear,
decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply
concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't
you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very
smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No
problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as
possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed
a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take
her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the
morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled,
"everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand,. My
morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in
the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning,
get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast.
While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your
teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I
shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she
thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice
each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning
silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find
that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he
frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without
thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies,
"you've swallowed my sock!"
1483. An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked
somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast
for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the
refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a
time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at
once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually,
yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make
breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
1484. A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends
when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need
that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He
was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He
communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."
1485. Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to
put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you
1486. Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Husband: It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.
1487. Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed
to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror
applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age
would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging
from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted. "I
haven't added them up yet."
1488. A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what? I've
found a great job. A 10 AM start, 2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends
and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so
too," he agreed. "You start on Monday."
1489. Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
1490. A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful
house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!'
'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
1491. I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same
way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible. I ignored
my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the
house, but I didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes
dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor
burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she
plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened. She looked so
stricken that I had to offer some consolation. "That's okay, honey," I said.
"You still have me." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "Yes," she
wailed, "but you don't work either!"
1492. Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just
want you to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains
that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The
husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as
well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big
dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive
outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes
over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the
jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited
(she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes
for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis,
but OK if you like it then lets get it.' The wife is jumping up and down. So
excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready
to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no no no, honey
we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank. " No honey
- I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red
she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in
tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
1493. There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty
years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an
enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart
your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a
particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up
early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart
reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty
minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all
along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the
grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
1494. A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and
sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had
done and anxious to get him to do some more. "Have a nice soak in the
bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling. "Good idea," says
the husband looking forward to being waited on. He's in the bath when she
comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily. "If there's
anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the
bathroom. When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes
completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes
later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in
with a fluffy bed warmer. "What the heck is that for?" asks the husband
snappily. "Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say,
"Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
1495. Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had
been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and
walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were
very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe
with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her
friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want
to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath
that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing,
they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband
phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got
to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's
nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck
between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire
Station, Well never forget you!'
1496. Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went
up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a
break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
1497. A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the
husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in
the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The
husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and
he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I
think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What
do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining
pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a
leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob
Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is
the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a
handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that
going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for
free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of
cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says,
"Betty Crocker?"
1498. Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years
wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You
impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband
looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you
explain the kids....."
1499. Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol. After some
couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of
the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches
the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he
falls again.
He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground. His wife
opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave
your wheelchair?"
1500. A Chinese man came home after a late night of drinking, and crawls
in bed next to his sleeping wife. After lying awake for a few minutes, he
wakes up his wife and says "Hey honey, wanna do a sixty-nine? "Well,
you've got a lot of nerve! First you come home late, you're drunk, and now
you expect me to go to the kitchin and fix you Mongolian beef with snowpeas!"
1501. After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that
you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it
means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home
with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a
book entitled, "The meaning of dreams"
1502. Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She
says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest
says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put
down that damn gun...""
1503. Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. how do you
manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: how does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!
1504. At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly
husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked
Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to
take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to
stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the
assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da
money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning
for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, " I
gonna go pick her up."
1505. This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary
and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark naked and sit at
the dinning table and eat our dinner!" As they sat at the dinning table the
wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!" The
husband says, " That is because you have your tits in the soup!"
1506. A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw
the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol
man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets.
One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your
seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I
just loosened it when you came up to the car. The Patrol Man said to the
man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right,
lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue
with my husband when he's drunk."
1507. A husband and wife are eating soup. the wife spills soup all over her
and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over
you!"
1508. Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband: "So, how do I
look?" "Well, at least you tried. Its not your fault..!"
1509. When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her
somewhere expensive ... I took her to a petrol station ...
1510. Its my birthday today. My wife has said that shes going to make it
my most special birthday ever ... I wonder where shes going ?
1511. Wife: I am tired of being your maid, I am filing for divorce!
Husband: No, you are fired!
1512. A wife sending a short message to her husband: It was just said on
the news that they found a hideous corpse with a hollow head, a cigar
among ugly rotten teeth and a bottle of liquor in his hand. I'm worried
about you! Please, give me a ring...
1513. Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
1514. The man say to the woman: Why are you not speaking to me?
Women: Because I am speaking to my dog.
Man: The dog can't speak.
replied 'a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose
from the dead... I cant take the chance!'
1521. A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instuctions
and builds the wardrobe. As soon as it"s built she a bus passes by and
the wardrobe falls into pieces. The lady tries again and 5 minutes later
another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces. The lady is
furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build
it. When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says: "Ok, I"m
going to my next client."
To which the lady says: "NO! Wait! You"ll see, as soon as a bus comes by
it will dismantle itself..." The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus. After
a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the
problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees. 10 minutes
later the husband arrives and say"s: "Ahh lovely honey you bought us a
new wardrobe..." He opens it up and say"s: "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?" To which the worker replies: "I"m waiting for the bus!"
1522. A man and woman doing staff in bed after midnight. At one point
they hear a car noise and a strong brake. Woman : Take your staff and
run on the window. I think that`s my husband. The man panics, jumps out
of bad , takes his clothes from all over the place, and jumps on the
window. After a while the same guy with his clothes knocks at the
door: Hey wife, I think we are a little bit stressed.
1523. Man comes home to his wife and says to her: "With the new pair of
glasses, you look like sh.t." "But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she
replies. "But, I do."
1524. Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a case. He asks,
"Where are you going?" She replies, "I'm going to New York, I've heard
pr*stitutes get $400 a time for what I do for free." The man starts packing
case. Wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm coming to just to
see how are going to live on $800 a year."
1525. A big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his
arm and says: "This is the pig I have to f*ck when you're not up for
s*x." His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep." He says: " I think
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mothers labour pain to the father. He
asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour
of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining
that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine
and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling
fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was
amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for
50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got
home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
1534. Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says,
I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that
dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that
were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with
St. Peter. With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women
are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated
by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that
dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look
at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from
him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this
line? And the man replied, I dont know, my wife told me to stand
here.
1535. A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my
pretty face or my attractive, seductive body? He looked at her from
head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.
1536. Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but
wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After
months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later
she delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was
possibly the ugliest he had ever seen. The man went back to his wife.
Theres no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two
beautiful daughters Ive had! He glared at his wife. Have you been fooling
around on me?, the wife answered ..Not this time
1537. Jacks grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week
Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack
noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On
the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be
indifferent, or even worse, called out other mens names! Whenever they
went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he
decided to confront her. Diane, he said, The only reason you married
me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he
died Dont be ridiculous, she replied, I dont care who gave you the
money!
1538. Emily caught her husband Derek searching high and low all around
his living room.
Emily : What are you searching for?
Derek : Hidden camera!
Emily : And what makes you think that there are hidden camera here?
Derek: That guy on tv knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few
minutes he keeps saying, You are watching the Star World channel. How
does he know that?
1539. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, If
you dont promise to send us 100,000,000 we promise you we will
kidnap your wife. The poor man wrote back, I am afraid I cant keep
my promise but I hope you will keep yours.
1540. A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he
Prayed:
Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen. God, in his infinite
wisdom, granted the mans wish. The next morning, sure enough, the
man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the
dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a
deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away
the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the
cats litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he
hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and
mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got
the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and
watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes
and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped
fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9
P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores werent finished, he
went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to
get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and
immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I dont know what I was
thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wifes being home all day. Please, oh
please, let us trade back. The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. However, youll just have to wait nine
months, though. You just got pregnant last night.
1541. Mrs. Diego was in the habit of having long conversation on the
telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after
25 minutes. What is the matter today? asked her husband. Today
you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone. I got a wrong
number, replied Mrs. Diego.
1542. Cash, check or card? I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse. So, do you always carry your TV
remote? I asked. No, she replied, but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally.
1543. Sam enters kitchen and opens the sugarbox. Sees inside and
closes it. Wife observes the whole episode. Again he comes and does
the same stuff.
Wife askes: Why are you doing this?
Sam replies: Doctor told to check sugar level regularly.
1544. Oh John, exclaimed the wife after listening to her husband speech
on banking and economics, I think it is just simply marvelous how you
know so much about money without having any.
1545. A businessman was walking along the seashore while his wife was
bathing in the sea. Suddenly, there was a crowd on the beach. His wife
had just been rescued from drowning. What are you doing? he shouted
to the lifeguard who was trying to revive her. Giving artificial respiration,
came the reply. Well, for heavens sake, why artificial? Give her the real
thing! I will pay for it!?
1546. Absent-minded professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this
morning.
Wife: When did you miss it?
Professor: When I reached up to close it, after the rain had stopped!
1547. The
wife burst
exclaimed:
looked up
wreath!
1548. The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about
work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home
cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry!
I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home
from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my
throat? Huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing
things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his
wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of
the month."
1549. Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?
Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.
Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?
Man: Eight rounds of drinks.
1550. I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I
empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful
consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the
unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the
contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it,
with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork
from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I
pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle
down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next
and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled
the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When
I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the
glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine,
and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the
houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol
as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool
so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer
I get.
KIDS JOKES:
1551. Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken.
Kid: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!
1552. A small boy observed his mother put a penny in the offering plate at
the morning service. On the way home, she criticized the poor sermon
they had heard. But mother, said the boy, what could you expect for a
penny?!
1553. Little Calvin came home from the public library with a volume
entitled, Care and Management of Children. For heavens sake, Calvin,
exclaimed his astonished mother, what are you doing with a book like
that? Oh, replied curious Calvin, I want to see if I am being brought up
properly!
1554. Three honey-bees were buzzing around in little Ashleys room. The
little girl came to her mother and said, Mummy! Out of the three bees,
two are males and one is female. Mother asks, How do you know that?
Ashley replies, Two are buzzing around the beer bottle and they are
males; one is buzzing on the mirror and it is a female!
1555. Mother, we are going to play elephants and the zoo. Will you help
us? Well, what can I do for you? You will be the lady who gives them
peanuts and sweets!
1556. Son: Dad, remember that story you told me about when you were
expelled from school?
Dad: Yes
Son: Well, I was just thinking dad, how true it is that history repeats
itself!
1557. Mother: Wont it be nice when baby brother starts to talk?
Gary (rather jealous): What does he want to talk for? He gets everything
he wants by just crying!
1558. Businessman: What is your name, boy?
Boy: Henry
Businessman: Say, Sir.
Boy: All right. Sir Henry!
1559. A young teenager was on her first babysitting job to earn money. At
bedtime, she sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and sat down to watch
television. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the babysitter was
firm that he should go back to bed. At 9 pm, the doorbell rang and a
woman asked if her son was there. The babysitter responded No, and
began to close the door. Just then a little fellow appeared at the spot and
bit of earth, Little Gary said, Thats because my goldfish is inside your
stupid cat!
1580. Jason was watching a baseball game the other day and asked,
Daddy, if winning isn't the be all and end all as you have taught me, then
why does anyone bother keeping score!?
1581. Calvin watched as his mother put cream all over her face. What's
that for Mummy? he asked. To make Mummy more beautiful she
replied.
A little later as she started to remove the cream, Little Johnny said,
You're not giving up already are you!?
1582. Lionel asks his Grandfather, Granddad, as you get older, do you
find that you sleep more? Yes replied his Granddad, but it is mainly in
the afternoons!
1583. Edward asks his mum, How many birthdays has Dad had? 42
his mum replies. No he's only had one; the others were anniversaries!
1584. Neville says to his Mum, Do you know what looks just like half an
apple? She replied, No, what? The other half! he chuckled.
1585. A man meets a young boy in the park and asks him his name. The
boy answers, Seven and three quarters. Puzzled, the man asked why he
had been given such an unusual name by his parents. The boy replied,
Don't know, I think that they just plucked it out of a hat!
1586. Apple is crying.
Banana: Why are you crying?
Apple: All of them cut and eat me.
Banana: You are better than me. All of them remove my dress and eat
me. I feel puppy shame!
1587. Harris's wish: When I die, I want to die like my grandpa who
died peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like all the passengers in the
car he was driving!
tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around
the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're
probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
1593. A man and his little nephew were in line at the movies. The little boy
was standing in front of his uncle and in front of the little boy was a very
large woman with a very wide behind stretched from one side to the other.
Well, the little boy looked at the woman's behind and looked up at his
uncle. Afraid the little boy was about to say something embarrassing, the
uncle told him to behave himself and not say anything. The little boy
nodded his head in agreement. Just at that moment the lady's beeper
went off, and the little boy jumped back holding his arms out to protect his
uncle and shouted out, "Watch out, shes backing up!"
1594. A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've
lost my dad!" The cop said, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer
and women!"
1595. A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and
starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my
dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little
elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets
angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was
a prostitute?!" The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
1596. Little boy: mummy is god a girl or a boy?
Mummy: why god is both girl and boy.
Little boy: mummy is god black or white?
Mummy: why god is both black and white.
Little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?
Mummy: why god is both gay and strait.
Little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?!
1597. Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, Are you a little girl or a little boy? I dont know, replied the
other baby giggling.What do you mean, you dont know? said the first
baby. I mean I dont know how to tell the difference, was the reply.
Well, I do, said the first baby chuckling. Ill climb into your crib and find
out. He carefully climbed himself into the other babys crib, then
quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he
resurfaced with a big grin on his face. Youre a little girl, and Im a little
boy, he said proudly. Youre ever so clever, cooed the baby girl, but
how can you tell? Its quite easy really, replied the baby boy, Youve
got pink socks and Ive got blue ones.
1598. A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand
and a squirrel in the other. Now listen here, the policeman said,
Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature I shall personally do to
you. In that case, said the boy, Ill kiss its butt and let it go
1599. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: Take only
ONE. God is watching. Moving further along the lunch line,at the other
end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had
written a note: Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
1600. A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father, being modern and well schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand. Thats a serious step, he said.
Have you thought it out completely? Yes, his young son answered. We
can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. Its right across the
street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark. How about
transportation? the father asked. I have my wagon, and we both have
our tricycles, the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every
question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, What
about babies? When youre married, youre liable to have babies, you
know. Weve thought about that, too, the little boy replied. Were not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, Im going to step on
it!
1601. Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old
grandson was playing with a wall clock when I visited. Later, when I was
putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at
the clock blankly, then brightened. Its time for you to go, he answered
triumphantly.
1602. Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted. Mom, I want a bike for my birthday. Little
Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school
and at home. Bobbys mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get
a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobbys
mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. Go to
your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then
write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday. Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
write God a letter. He wrote: God, I know I havent been a good boy this
year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for
my birthday. Please!
Thank you, Bobby. Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not
going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs
and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobbys mother thought
her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. Just be home in time for
dinner, Bobbys mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the
church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and
picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and
ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a
pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God. He then wrote a letter to God
as follows: Hey God, IVE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO
SEE HER AGAIN, SEND A RED BIKE !!!
1603. The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. Ive been waiting for you all day, the
cop said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.
1604. Little Emily, the ministers daughter, ran into the house, crying as
though her heart would break. Whats wrong, dear? asked the pastor.
My doll! Billy broke it! she sobbed. How did he break it, Emily? I hit
him over the head with it.
1605. A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy
said, Mommy, I have to pee. The mother said to the little boy, Its not
appropriate to say the word pee in church. So, from now on whenever
you have to pee just tell me that you have to whisper. The following
Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service
said to his father, Daddy, I have to whisper. The father looked at him
and said, Okay, just whisper in my ear.
1606. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
Customer, This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to
you. The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, Which do you want, son? The boy
takes the quarters and leaves. What did I tell you? said the barber. That
kid never learns! Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same
young boy coming out of the ice cream store. Hey, son! May I ask you a
question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar? The boy
licked his cone and replied, Because the day I take the dollar, the
games over!
1607. A boy was doing experiment with cockroach. First he cut its one
leg and told, walk, walk. Cockroach walked. Then he cut its second leg
and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the
same. At last he cut its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach
didnt walked. Suddenly the boy said loudly, I found it. If we cut
cockroachs four legs, it becomes deaf .
1608. MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
1609. A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't
let me talk!"
1610. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Cassie bought
each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one
into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged
from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat
that if I were you." "Why not?" replied the curious brother. "I took one bite
and went blind for half a minute."
1616. A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the
sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do
you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets
down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a
widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one
like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes,
rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says,
in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"
1617. A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very
small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the
street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him
to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves
closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up
behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder
leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's
level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little
man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
1618. A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.
When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he
got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it. One day she
got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many
times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I wasn't
looking after it?" The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"
1619. Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking
himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do
that." Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the
dog nicely, he might let you!!"
1620. A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny
opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little
boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and
says, "What do you think?"
1621. Jimmy said to his father: "Daddy how can I stop asking questions?"
and his father said: "First:Don't think and Second...SHUT UP!!!"
1622. Ron: What kind of fish is this?
Aquarium keeper: Jelly Fish
Ron: Which flavor it is?
1623. Q: What is a baby's motto
A: If at first you don't succeed cry cry again!
1624. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive...
1625. What did one math book say to the other math book? "I don't know
about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"
1626. A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn
at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal
turn!" the man said. "It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right
behind us did the same thing."
1627. One sunny day on the North Sea a creative little boy was playing in
the sand trying to decide what to make. He discovered some Scheiss (you
can guess what that is) on the beach so he decided to make a VoPo
(People's Policeman). Just as he was finishing, along comes a VoPo,
trying to make sure no one swims to Denmark. He decides to ask the little
boy what that ugly thing made of Scheiss is. The little boy responds: "It's a
VoPo!" So the officer beats him. The next day, the boy is on the beach
making the same creation when that same officer comes along and sees
the boy is playing with the Scheiss again, and asks what he is doing. The
boy responds "I'm making another VoPo!" So the officer beats him. The
day after that, the officer is strolling the beach, sees the boy playing just
with sand, and is glad to see he has switched his medium. So he asks
boldly "what are you making today?" The boy responds: "A G.I.!" The
officer asks: "And why not a VoPo?" The boy responds: "Couldn't find any
Scheiss."
1628. Boy - "Dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."
1629. School Kid: Why are some of your hair white mom?
Mom: Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
unhappy, one of my hair turns white.
Funny Kid thought for a moment, and then said, "Mamma, how come *all*
of grandmas hair are white?
1630. A Kid calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem.
Kid: When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star.
Whatz the joke?
Help Desk: Dear kid, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person
standing behind, he can't read your password.
Kid: Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind
me.
1631. First Kid: Once when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit
me and I fell down on the earth unconsciously.
Second Kid: Oh my God! Did you survive that accident or you died.
First Kid: I dont remember exactly, I was only 3 yeas old at that time.
1632. Take me to the 10th floor, said Tuna as he entered the lift of a high
rise bulding. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its
gates and said, The 10th floor, son. Why did you call me
son? demanded Tuna. I am not your son. I called you son because I
brought you up, replied the liftman.
KNOCK KNOCK JOKES:
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub quickly, I'm drowning!
1634. Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference to you, just open up and let me in!
1635. Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ya
Ya who?
What are you getting so excited about!?
Who's there?
Aunt Lou!
Aunt Lou who?
Aunt Lou do you think you are!
1645. Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ashley!
Ashley who?
Ashley-t's foot!
1646. Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Asia!
Asia who?
Asia you going to let me in then!
1647. Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna one, anna two...!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Anne Boleyn!
Anne Boleyn who?
Anne Boleyn alley!
1648. Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Amin!
Amin who?
Amin thing to do!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ammonia!
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid!
1649. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alec!
Alec who?
Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alec!
Alec who?
Alec my lolly!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!
1650. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adlai!
Adlai who?
Adlai a bet on that!
1651. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amahl!
Amahl who?
Amahl shook up!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amana!
Amana who?
Amana bad mood!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amazon!
Amazon who?
Amazon of a gun!
1652. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alpaca!
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Althea!
Althea who?
Althea later, alligator!
1653. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amsterdam!
Amsterdam who?
Amsterdam tired of all these Knock Knock jokes!
1654. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amos!
Amos who?
Amosquito just bit me!
1655. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amy!
Amy who?
Alma!
Alma who?
Alma not going to tell you!
1669. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Almond!
Almond who?
Almond the side of the law!
1670. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Andrew!
Andrew who?
Andrew a picture!
1671. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Andy!
Andy who?
Andy mosquito bit me again!
1672. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Astor!
Astor who?
Astor the ball is over!
1673. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ankara!
Ankara who?
Ankara went off the cliff!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ann!
Ann who?
Anndromeda Strain!
Who's there?
Ankansas!
Ankansas who?
Ankansas though any piece of wood!
1681. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amory!
Amory who?
Amory Christmas and a Happy New Year!
1682. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alva!
Alva who?
Alva heart!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alvin!
Alvin who!
Alvin a great time, how about you?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Allan!
Allan who!
Allan-d of Manhattan!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Allegra!
Allegra who?
Allegra is broken!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alma!
Alma who?
Alma-ny Knock Knock
1683. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alda!
Alda who?
Alda time you knew who it was!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aldo!
Aldo who?
Aldo anywhere with you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aida!
Aida who?
Aida lot of sweets and now I've got tummy ache!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Al!
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!
1684. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
1685. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!
1686. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ada!
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adam!
Adam who?
Adam if I do and adam if I don't!
1687. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aladdin!
Aladdin who?
Aladdin the street wants a word with you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alba!
Alba!
Alba in the kitchen if you need me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alexia!
Alexia who?
Alexia again to open this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfalfa!
Alfalfa who?
Alfalfa you, if you give me a kiss!
1688. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfie!
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
1689. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
1690. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop!
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a puddy cat!
1691. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!
1692. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abyssinia!
Abyssinia who?
Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!
1693. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alberta!
Alberta who!
Alberta'll be over in a minute!
1694. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Albee!
Albee!
1705. Jones: "Good Evening, old man. Thought I'd drop in and see you
about the umbrella you borrowed from me last week."
Brown: "I'm sorry, but I lent it to a friend of mine. Do you want it?"
Jones: "Well, not for myself, but the fellow I borrowed it from says the
owner wants it!"
1706. Author: "I'm convinced that the publishers have a conspiracy against
me."
Friend: "What makes you think so?"
Author: "Ten of them have refused the same story!"
1707. Barber: "Your hair is turning grey, sir."
Customer (irritated by the long delay): Im not surprised! Hurry up, will
you?!"
1708. One barbershop in town put up a sign attacking the fancy salon
down the block. The sign said, "Why pay $20? We give haircuts for $2."
The salon got even by putting up a sign of its own stating, "We repair $2
haircuts!"
1709. Customer: "How mach for haircut?"
Barber: "$20"
Customer: "How much for a Shave?"
Barber: "$10"
Customer: "Great! Shave my head, please!"
1710. A man telephoned an airline office and asked, How long does it take
to fly to Australia? The Clerk said, "Just a minute...." "Thank you!" the man
said and hung up!
1711. A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies. So, when he was approaching a field during the night time,
instead of making any official request to the tower, he said, "Guess Who?"
The Controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess Where!?"
1712. A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true,"
he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight!"
1713. Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Karl: Tipu's skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Karl: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child!
1714. Tourist: "Look Guide, Here are some LION tracks."
Guide: "Good. You see where they go and I will find out where they came
from!"
1715. First Soldier: "What made you go into the army?"
Second Soldier: "I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?"
First Soldier: "Well, I had a wife and loved peace!"
1716. A person who surrenders when he's wrong is HONEST! A person
who surrenders when not sure is WISE! A person who surrenders even if
he's right, is a HUSBAND!
1717. At a dull academic meeting, a fellow guest remarked to Einstein, I
am afraid you are terribly bored by all this. No, replied Einstein
cheerfully, On occasions like this, I retire to the back of my mind and
there I am happy!
1718. Mike: Have any of your childhood dreams been realized?
Gabriel: Only one. When my mother combed my hair, I used to wish I did
not have any!
1719. Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to
the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I
go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take
my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up
and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says,
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the
driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the
closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do
1729. Neville: You must have a wonderful memory to keep all that
knowledge in your head.
Paul: Yes, I never forget when it is once in my head.
Neville: Well, how about the $50 I lent you sometime back?
Paul: Ah, thats different. I put that in my pocket!
1730. Alex: Are you in the habit of speaking to ladies you do not know?
Eden: Certainly. The ladies I do know would not speak to me!
1731. Author: What do you think about my Autobiography book?
Friend: As far as I can see, the book has only one defect; poor choice of
the subject matter!
1732. Randall: Now that you are married, I suppose you will take out an
insurance policy?
Calvin: Oh, no! I do not think she is going to be dangerous!
1733. My wife even takes off my shoes with her own hand. When you
come home at night? Not exactly. But when I want to go out!
1734. An army marksman passed through a small town and saw evidence
of amazing shooting. On trees, walls and fences were numerous bulls
eyes with the bullet hole in the exact centre. He went to meet the
remarkable marksman. This is the most wonderful marksmanship I have
ever seen! said the army man, How were you able to do it? Very easy
he said, I shoot first and draw the circle afterwards!
1735. When the ticket examiner came to the compartment, a passenger
discovered that he had left behind his season ticket in the office. He spoke
playfully to the ticket examiner, I am not a dishonest man, look, my face
is my ticket. My duty is to punch every ticket!, replied the ticket
examiner with a smile.
1736. Once a famous boxer was going on a journey by airplane. Just
before the
plane took off from the ground, the air hostess came to him and asked him
politely to fix his seat-belt. The boxer said, Superman needs no seat-
romance novel.
1744. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment
for many men? No phone numbers.
1745. A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all
over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you
been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like
you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did
you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a
few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank
heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
1746. A Scotish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had
ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the
mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their
feet screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times, with a single
and a triple. The Scotish man was now exited and ready to get into the
game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called
"walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotchman,
extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd,
rrrun!" Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman,
extremely embarrased, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the
Scotchman's embarassment, lened over and said, "He can't run - he got
four balls." The Scotchman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride,
man...walk with pride!"
1747. Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make
up something else when you ask, so don't.
1748. Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer
and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when
it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to
go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals
call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you
threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
1749. Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally
in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the
dishes. I'll do the rest.
1750. I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you
upset her even more you get the silent treatmeant. Don't you think it's
worth the extra effort?
1751. One summer day, Mark and Tony decide to try bungee-jumping.
After a full day of bungee-fun, Mark says, "You know, Tony, we could
make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
"You're right," Tony says. So Mark and Tony pool their money and buy
everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They
drive from San Diego to Mexico and set up their equipment on the edge of
a cliff. While they construct the tower, a crowd assembles at the bottom
of the cliff, to watch. Hours later, Mark and Tony finish. Mark climbs the
tower, straps himself in, and jumps. When he bounces back up, he's got a
few cuts and bruises. Tony tries to catch him, but Mark spirals back down.
When he bounces up the next time, he's bruised and bleeding. Again, Tony
reaches for his friend, and again, he misses. When Mark comes back up a
third time, he's brutally beaten, almost unconscious. Luckily, Tony catches
him and drags him onto the platform.
"What happened?" Tony says, horrified. "Was the cord too long?" Mark
says, "No, the cord was fine. But what the heck is a 'pinata'?"
1752. "Boy, I'm scared," Anthony said to one of his friends. "I got a letter
from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."
"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say." "You like her that much?" the friend asks. "It's not
that," declared Anthony. "He didn't sign his name!"
1753. Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street when he
saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a third-story ledge holding
her pet cat in her arms. "Hey lady!" yelled Larry. "Throw me the cat!" "No!"
she cried. "It's too far!" "I play football, I can catch him!" The smoke was
pouring from the windows, and finally the woman waved to Larry, kissed
her cat goodbye, and tossed it down to the street. Larry kept his eye on
the cat as it came plunging down toward him. The feline bounced off an
awning and Larry ran into the street to catch it. He jumped six feet into the
air and made a spectacular, one- handed catch. The crowd that had
gathered to watch the fire broke into cheers. Larry did a little dance, lifted
the cat above his head, wiggled his knees back and forth, then spiked the
cat into the pavement.
1754. Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the
house." "Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just
the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss." "How did you do
that?" asked Bill. "I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out
right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this
relationship'." "What happened?" "Well, I don't want to brag, but I
managed to get her on her hands and knees." "How did you do that?" "I
was hiding under the bed at the time."
1755. George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his
first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides
to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a
tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him. When he arrives at the
Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any
good?" George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"
1756. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
1757. At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the
relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon
after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a
conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties. "Oh, I
have a 3.8, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than
to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G. P. A.?" Grinning from
ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 25 in the city and 40 on the
highway."
1758. A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had
spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun
when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked
terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his
teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he
came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed
Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some
more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the
airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida
stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got
it?" So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while
stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see
but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said
Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and
waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got
so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this
guy's mustache again!"
1759. Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy
has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork stuck in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a
lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came
oozing out. He said, 'I Tonto, Indian Genie. I grant-um one wish.' And I
said, 'No shit.'"
1760. Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very
hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire
under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries
starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He
says, "Whats wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat
us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary
says, "I just peed in the soup."
1761. Mastercard Commercial:
Finally, a Mastercard television commercial for men:
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
second guy wanted naked woman and the third guy wanted marijuana.
100 years later they checked up on them. The first guy said "oh gosh no
more beer, full, drunk." The second guy said "oh, the woman fight, well im
going gay." Then the third guy said "Does anyone have a lighter?"
1766. Response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's
restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we were aiming for. Sometimes
I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around -just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
(because all the urinals are being used), take perfect aim at the toilet, and
his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be
trusted.
After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and
pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if
she goes to the toilet one more time at night and either sits on a peesoaked toilet seat, or falls right into the toilet because I forgot to put the
seat down, she's going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you
and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I
might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you
ladies need to be more understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood."
Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to
pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter
how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you
can't aim.
Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the
wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on
putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet
seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means
we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to
try to achieve that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here
will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that
damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing
until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that
compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn
toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us
guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
1767. TOP TEN PLACES/TIMES NOT TO GET A WOODY:
10. With your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys.
8. With your wife, and accidently run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your childs 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher, for show
and tell.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.
And the number one time never to get a woody is:
1. Your best friend on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want
to do tonight?"
1768. Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first
tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The
three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told
the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he
gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!" The second man
said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line
dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new
Mercedes, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone,
bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his
friend an entire portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a
few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We
were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man
replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other
three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the
dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him
days have gone by and nobody has come. I did send a guy. But he
pushed the bell, nobody opened the door!
1787. Oh my! You run to me just because you heard my song? Who
said that? I thought you got hurt somehow!
1788. Bill and Ted were chatting in the pub. Bill said, Ted, have you any
idea what I did before I married Eileen? No, what? Whatever I wanted,
whenever I wanted! sighed Bill.
1789. Ben was removing money from the ATM.
Ron: I saw your password, ha ha.
Ben: What is it?
Ron: It is four asterisks.
Ben: Ha ha, you are wrong. It is 9425!
1790. Ned: There was a man that I saw in the mirror whom I had seen
somewhere.
Carl: Who was he?
Ned: I think he was the guy who married my wife!
1791. Passenger: The ship is about to drown. How far is the land from
here?
Captain: 100 meters.
Passenger jumps into the sea.
Captain: Its 100 meters downwards!
1792. Man 1: Can you please copy me the internet on this CD?
Man 2: You are a fool. How can the internet fit inside a CD? You need a
DVD!
1793. Bill: I was the pilot for the President's helicopter.
Jason: Wow, thats good! But why did you leave the job?
Bill: The president told he was feeling cold and I switched off the fan on
the top!
1794. Man 1: I played chess against Viswanath Anand but I lost.
Man 2: You are a fool. He is the world champion in chess, how can you
bedroom door all night. Wow! You lucky bloke said the second man.
Not really, I was forced to let her out eventually!
1808. Bob and Harry were in a bar. Harry says, "Sorry I'm late. I've just
returned from a pleasure trip. Oh where have you been? asked Bob.
Just dropped the wife off at the airport!
1809. I had a bad argument in a bar the other day with a very large bloke
who said that he would wipe the floor with my face. I toiled him that wasn't
a good idea. When he asked why I replied, You will never get into the
corners properly!
1810. Two friends are talking in a pub and one of them is not too bright.
He says, You would never find me taking a holiday in the USA. Why
not? said the second man. Well, they all drive on the other side of the
road to here, he replied. Why is that a problem? said the second man.
Well, I tried it driving around town yesterday and it was awful! replied the
first man.
1811. I lost my credit card three weeks ago but haven't reported it said
Joe to his mate in the pub. Why not? asked the friend. Well, the thief is
not spending as much as my wife did! he replied.
1812. Nicholas was driving along a country lane the other day when a man
in a car driving in the opposite direction wound his window down and
shouted, Pig Nicholas thought, How rude! just as his car hit the pig.
1813. The newscaster said on his final bulletin before retiring on T.V. last
evening, The Prime Minister had a meeting with his new cabinet earlier
today - before having an argument with a chest of drawers and a heated
conversation with a bookcase!
1814. Three old men climbed to the top of a ladder where they were met
by a genie who said, As you return back down, whatever you shout, you
will land into. First man goes, Beeeer as he descends. Braaandy
shouted the second man. The third man quite excitedly shouted,
Weeeeeeeeeeee!
1815. I went into our local music shop the other day and bought an
expensive mouth organ. The shop assistant commented, Do you know,
we haven't sold any of these for months, and this is the second one I have
sold today. Oh I replied, That would have been our Monica!
1816. A British Army Officer was walking along when he came across a
man without any legs or arms sat on the sidewalk with a sign saying,
Falkland War Veteran. Disgusted at how his country had treated its
veterans, he gave the man two $50 notes to which the man replied, Much
as gracias, senor!
1817. Three old men, all with hearing difficulties, were sat on a park
bench. One remarked, Isn't it windy today? No it's Thursday said the
second. I am as well. Let's go to the pub for a beer!
1818. My friend sent me a weird text the other day. It said, Have been
arrested and they are charging me as being world's ugliest man - come
down to station at once and prove them wrong!
1819. A friend of mine is really lazy and also thrifty with his cash. The
other day, rather than spending $3 to dry clean his best shirt; he donated it
to the local charity shop. They laundered it and placed it on a coat hanger
in the shop. The following morning, he went in a bought it back for 50
pence!
1820. A man is on the telephone to his Car Insurance firm after being
involved in an accident. Where did the accident take place sir? asked the
person from the insurance company. Just by Junction 42 was the reply.
Where exactly is that? asked the insurance person. I assume that it is
between Junction 41 and Junction 43! replied the man.
1821. A man was on the telephone to his Insurance Company following an
accident. The person from the Insurance Company asks him, Did you
attempt to avoid the accident by blowing your horn? Do you mean after
the accident? said the man, puzzled. No, before came the reply. The
man replied, Well, I did play in a brass band for 5 years after I left
school!
1822. Three men with pocket watches are standing on a hill. The first man
throws his watch and halfway down the hill it breaks. The second man
throws his and two thirds of the way down, his watch breaks. The third
man throws his watch, walks down and catches it at the bottom. How did
you manage that? asked the two men. Easy, said the third man, my
watch is 10 minutes slow!
1823. I went to my local butcher yesterday and I bet him $500 that he
couldn't reach the meat on his top shelf. He replied, I can't accept that
bet, the stakes are far too high!
1824. I went to buy some shoes last week and tried on a pair of loafers.
The assistant asked if everything was okay. They are a little too tight I
replied. Try them with the tongue out" she said. I blobbed out my tongue
and said, Nah, they are still too tight!
1825. I was walking home the other evening when I was attacked by a
mugger. I fought for all my worth but the mugger was stronger and had
me pinned down to the ground, rifled through my pockets only to find a
single 50 pence coin. Why did you put up such a struggle for a measly 50
pence? asked the mugger. Oh, I thought you wanted the $100 I've
hidden in my sock! I replied.
1826. I telephoned the Police the other day but dialed the wrong number
and got through to the local rambling club. After twenty minutes, I hung up
the phone the woman was just going on and on!
1827. Two people in a helicopter were 4,000 feet in the air when the pilot
suddenly broke into hysterical laughter. What is so funny? asked the
passenger. The pilot replied, I was just thinking what the governor of the
asylum will say when he notices that I've escaped!
1828. I was traveling to the train station the other day by taxi and as we
approached. I tapped him on the shoulder to tell him where to drop me
out. He screamed loudly, lost complete control of the car, almost ran over
an old lady as the cab mounted the footpath, stopping inches away from a
lamp post. Don't ever do that again said the driver. I apologized saying
that I didn't realize that a tiny tap on the shoulder would frighten him to the
extent it had. It's not really your fault I suppose the taxi driver lamented,
Its my first day as a taxi driver. I've spent the last fifteen years driving a
funeral van!
1829. A man took his car to the garage for a repair as every time he
turned a corner, he heard a loud clunking noise. The mechanic took out the
car and tested it turning right then left and then right again. He returned to
the garage and told the man he had fixed the noise. What was the
problem? asked the man. Easy replied the mechanic, It just needed
that bowling bowl taking out of your boot!
1830. A tramp went up to an expensive looking house and knocked gently
on the front door. The rich owner answered and the tramp asked if he
could supply him with some food. The wealthy man said, I didn't become
rich by giving stuff away for free but I tell you what - if you go out the back
and paint my porch, in return you will receive a fine meal. After about
twenty minutes, the tramp returns and knocks at the front door and the
owner says, Wow! Finished already. That was quick. Take a seat and my
cook will bring you the food. Thanks said the tramp, But you should
know one thing - that's a BMW you have out back, not a porch!
1831. Two men went out fishing one fine day in a rented boat. They
caught an amazing 42 fish. Lets come out again tomorrow but be sure to
mark this great fishing spot on the lake said one of the men to the
other. The following day, they are on the way to pick up the boat and the
same man asks, Did you remember to mark that great fishing spot? The
other man replied, Yes, I put a massive X underneath the boat. You
silly fool said the first guy, What happens if we are given a different
boat today!?
1832. Mike: Tomorrow I am undergoing a brain transplant operation. I
would like to use your brain. Can you please give it?
Eden: Why?
Mike: Because I always use only unused stuff!
1833. Ben: Answer my question either YES or NO.
Bill: Yes ask me.
Ben: Do your friends know that you are mad!?
CHIN YU YAN n dies. Mike goes to china to find meaning of his friends
last words. It is, You are standing on the oxygen tube!
1852. Man 1: Why are you standing in the hot sun?
Man 2: I am drying my sweat!
1853. A man goes for navy selection.
Captain: So you have come for Navy selection, do you know to swim?
Man: If I go for Air Force selection, should I know to fly!?
1854. (Edward thinking while reading) Oh wind, are you also like
me? Turning pages of the textbook without learning!
1855. If you have a pretty girlfriend, its awesome. If she has a pretty
sister, its Buy 1 Get 1 free Offer!
1856. A nervous little man walked into a grocery store in a small town. I
want to buy all your over-ripe vegetables and stale eggs, he said. Well,
said the shopkeeper with a twinkle in his eyes, You must be going to see
the new comedian at the theatre tonight. Not so loud, said the little man,
looking around hesitatingly, I am the new comedian!
1857. Paul: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Ray: Ok
Paul: A white horse fell in the mud!
1858. On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes
closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked. "No, I'm okay. It's
just that I hate to see old ladies standing!"
1859. A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi!
1860. Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has
some budgies lined up on each arm; the other has parrots lined up on his
arms. After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the
ground. Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one
moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping." The
other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either!"
1861. This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors
and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later, he was talking to one of
his old buddies about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all
that silicon into your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt
it." "Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your
manhood!" "Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt
was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain!"
1862. Sam: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually.
Sam: But I'm the examiner!
1863. Three clever men and one wise man are walking in the desert, when
they find the bleached skeleton of a lion. The first clever man says, "I can
rebuild the skeleton" and does so. The second clever man says, "I can
rebuild the muscles and organs" and does so. The third clever man says,
"I can breathe the spirit of life back into the body" and does so. The wise
man says, "Excuse me, but I am going to climb this tree!"
1864. On a shopping trip to the city, a backwoods farmer bought a 24piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally,
the puzzle was finished. "Look what I've done, Jess" he said proudly to a
visiting neighbor. "That's surely something' Willard. How long it
took?" "Only two weeks." "Never done a puzzle myself" Jess said. "Is two
weeks fast?" "Darn tooting" Willard said, "Look at the box. It says, From
two to four years!"
1865. Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the
men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The
clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go
check" and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said,
"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The
customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a
while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're
going to build a house!"
1866. A blind man was describing his favorite sport - skydiving. When
asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for
him. "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" he said, "My hand is
placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know
when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of
smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the
ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the
final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered,
"Oh, my dog's leash goes slack!"
1867. Recently, a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several
paintings from the Louver. However, after planning the crime, getting in
and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his
Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a
crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: (brace yourself) "I
had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"
1868. A man was walking down the street when he bumped into a
construction worker. They get into a conversation and the man asks him
what he would do if he only had 5 minutes to live. "Well, I haven't lived a
very passionate life, so I suppose I'd kiss anything that moves," he
answered. "What would you do?" "I'd stand perfectly still!"
1869. Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was
standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had
just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think
that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I
couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The
third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always
been, knock on wood" she says as she raps on the table. Then with a
startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there!?"
1870. An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a
rocking bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was
walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all
her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded
approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit!"
1871. A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says,
"Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return, I will grant you three
wishes." The man says, "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know
exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank
account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account
numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof!
There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right
next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."
Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!
1872. A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their
ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My
cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head
because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make me
dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all
bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
1873. Difference between car and women:
You can drive a car anywhere.
You are always in the driver's seat.
You can share a car with your friends.
The car will always do what you make it do.
You can always buy a new one if you want to.
A car doesn't mind if you drive around in other cars.
If you kick a car, it will still run strong.
You can toot a car's horn anytime and it won't get upset.
You can feed a car and it will go as far as it can for you.
A car won't give you any surprises no matter how many times you get in
and out of it. AND Remember:
Man's equivalent of a woman's diamond ring is a car!
1874. 3 guys go on a deserted island. They go looking around and find a
cannibal. The cannibal says, I'll spare your lives if you do 2 tasks. The
first is you must get 10 of the same fruit. The first guy brings 10 grapes
with pits in them. Then the guy says, OK. What is my second task? The
cannibal says, You must shove them up your butt without any emotion.
The first guy puts 4 up his butt and then groans, so the cannibal kills
him. The second guy brings 10 cherries. The cannibal tells him the second
task and the second guy stuffs 9 up his butt and then laughs. He gets
killed. Then up in heaven the first guy asks the second guy why he laughed
because he was so close. The second guy says because I saw the third
guy coming with 10 pineapples!
1875. There were three passengers in a plane that was about to crash.
One was the smartest man in the world, one was the President of the
United States, and one was a little girl. However, there were only two
parachutes. The first man, the smartest man in the world, stood up and
said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the
ones who get the parachutes. I, being the smartest man, am one of
those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out. The president looked at
the little girl and said, "I've led a good long life, and you're just starting
yours. You take the last parachute." And the little girl replies, "Don't worry;
there is one for both of us. The smartest man in the world just took my
backpack!"
1876. John lived across the river from his backwoods neighbor, Clarence
and the two feuded constantly. They never missed a chance to throw
rocks and yell insults over the water. One day the Army Corps of
Engineers came to build a bridge. John was elated and told his wife he
was finally going to get his hands on Clarence. When the bridge was
finished, John headed off, but returned a few minutes later. "I never
realized how big that guy is" John said sheepishly to his wife, I headed for
the bridge, then saw the sign: 'Clarence - 8 feet, 4 inches!'
1877. A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on
his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am mute. I am not
able to speak. May I play through, please?" The first man angrily gave the
card back, and communicated that, "No, he may not play through, and that
his handicap did not give him such a right." He whacked the ball onto the
green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into
the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When
he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute
sternly looking at him, holding up 4 fingers!
1878. Question: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
Answer: A pizza can feed a family of four!
1879. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five
minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about
giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I
called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket
for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the
more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the
corner!
1880. Two Irish men are going down the street; one digs a hole the
second fills it in. They carry on down the street and again one digs a hole
and the second fills it in. A passer by is bemused by this and goes over to
the Irish men and asks them, "What on earth is going on?" One of the
Irishman replies saying, "Our mate who plants the trees is off ill today!"
1881. Two men are talking. The first says, "I got married because I was
tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing
shabby clothes." "Amazing" said the second, "I just got divorced for the
very same reasons!"
1882. Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he
sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the
reason for his haste, he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should
ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to
repossess me!"
1883. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he
wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a
moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to
death!"
1884. Two scuba divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads
pop out of the water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa)
flies low above their heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and
shouts, "It's those Buccaneers!" To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine
are hurting too!"
1885. A group of guys went fishing. After each had enjoyed their catch,
they were sitting around chatting about the number of fishes each caught.
Kent said he caught 10, Randall said he caught 15, Homer said he caught
28, Winston remained quiet for a moment, then said without counting, "I
think I have so many that I can't put them in one pile!"
1886. One sunny afternoon in 1999, Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a
baseball game. Right as the game was getting ready to start, Bill stood
up, picked up Hillary and threw her out onto the baseball diamond. When
Bill Clinton sat down, his chief advisor leaned over to him and said, "You
know, Bill, you may have misunderstood me. I said you that you get to
throw out the first pitch!"
1887. A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry.
No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets
game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen,
turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my
dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps
flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What
happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" The man replied, "I don't
know. I've only had him for seven years!"
1888. All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first
skydiving instructor. During class, he would always take the time to
answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our
chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have
until we hit the ground?" Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect
deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life!"
1889. A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the
instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps
out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing
happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers
his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically
begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he
can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is
going UP! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time
scared out of his wits yells, "Hey, do you know anything about
skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about
gas stoves!?"
1890. A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the
bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started
running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was
hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and
stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game
Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see your fishing license, Boy!" the
Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid
fishing license. "Well, son" said the Game Warden, "You must be about as
dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid
license!" "Yes, sir" replied the young guy, "But my friend back there, well,
he don't have one!"
1891. Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to
fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend!
1892. Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the
hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the
brush. "Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try
dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store
salesman." "OK" says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, "I think this is a lot
better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we
seem to be getting farther from the car!"
1893. A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up.
"Where's your license?" asked the warden. "Don't know" said the hunter.
"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help
me drag the deer" said the warden. "No way" said the hunter, "you drag
it." Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road,
the hunter remembered which pocket held the license!
1894. So you know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must
say, they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick
as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Just the other day, these guys came
up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken
and ran!!!!!!
1895. "I went to the gym and spent five minutes on the Stair Master" Moe
said to Joe, "Then I went home and spent an hour on the Couch Master."
"I know what you mean" replied Joe, "these days, the only exercise I get
is letting my imagination run wild!"
1896. Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidentally shot his
friend. At the hospital, the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be
ok. "Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him!"
1897. A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked
over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since
you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask
you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player
agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now
concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say
4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the
other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him
another chance!"
1898. A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500
Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche
for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a
shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost
brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and
took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great
Porsche for only $500?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and
he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his
Porsche and sent him the money!"
1899. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died
laughing before he could tell anybody!
1900. The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his last few
bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said,
"How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?" "Haven't got a
wife" responded the businessman gruffly. "Then how about some
carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a
beat. "Haven't got a girlfriend." "You lucky guy!" the vendor broke into a
big smile, "Buy both bunches to celebrate!"
1901. A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over
and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he
exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
1902. There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended
them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one
was a woman. They all decided that one person would have to let go
because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die. No
one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really
touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others,
because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and
children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping!
1903. Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are talking about the
control they have over their wives, while the third remains silent. After a
while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you? What
kind of control do you have over your wife?" The third man turns to the
first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the other day I had her on her
knees." The first two men were dumbfounded. "Wow! What happened
next?" they asked. The third man takes a healthy swig of his beer, sighs
and mutters, "Then she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed
and fight like a man!'"
1904. "Harlen, I want you to buy me a divorce" the big Texan boomed to
his attorney, "That wife of mine ain't behaving right. She's MY woman and
she's supposed to do what I say." "Well, R.J., a wife isn't exactly property,
you know" the lawyer said, "You don't own her the way you own an oil
well." "Maybe not" R.J. conceded, "but I damn well ought to have
exclusive drilling rights!"
1905. Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the
stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six
months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He
opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars,
your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party
Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..." "Great,"
says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.
Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...
There's gonna be some drinkin'. "Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25
years in business, I can drink with the best of em." Again, as he starts to
leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there.
Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely
be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Sam,
warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be
there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and
says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
1906. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother
and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention
was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying
with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did
you die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your
Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?" The mourner
answered, "My wife's first husband! Why did you die!?"
1907. During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with
an unusual offer. "Look, Ill give you $100, if youll change the wedding
vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love,
honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd
appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman
the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the
bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows
are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks
the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself
before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed
every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely
wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you
both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny
voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we
had a deal." The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back,
"She made me a much better offer!"
1908. Reaction of men on their weeding anniversaries:
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about
cooking!
9. Today is our what1?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together1?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events1?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband!
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother!
4. Got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me
this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's!
3. If you want me to pretend I care about our anniversary, I will!
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut
you up!
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in
love!
1909. After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring
his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics
clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much" said
Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a
bit" Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00
bottle. "What I mean" said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror!
1910. Men are like a deck of cards....
You need a heart to love them
A Diamond to marry them
A Club to beat them
And a spade to bury the bastards!
1911. Three paddy's (irish men) are in London looking for work on a
building site. The first Paddy (the smart one) goes in to see the foreman.
The conversation starts.
Foreman - "so then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day".
Paddy - "that would be 200 brick in a day sir".
Foreman - "good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but,
before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take
a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about
me?"
Now, Paddy had a look at the foreman and it was obvious, very obvious
there was something strange. His right ear was quite high on one side of
his head and the left ear was quite low on the other side of his head.
Paddy - "surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down
there".
Foreman - " We'll at least your honest about it Paddy. You'll not be making
fun of me behind my back like all those other feckers, so you've got the
job".
Next Paddy walks in, same questions. "How many bricks can you lay in a
day paddy?"
"200 bricks sir"
Foreman - "good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but,
before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take
a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about
me?"
Paddy - "surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down
there".
Foreman - " We'll at least your honest about it Paddy. You'll not be making
fun of me behind my back like all those other feckers, so you've got the
job".
The third Paddy walks in to see the foreman.
Foreman - "So then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day."
Paddy - "400 bricks a day sir"
Foreman - "By Jesus, 400 a day. I never heard of any man lay 400 bricks
a day."
Paddy - "Oh, ask any man in Ireland, 400 a day I tell you sir."
Foreman - "thats unbeleiveable Paddy. Now obviously I want to give you
the job, but, I have to tell you, I admire honesty in a man so take a look at
me and tell me do you notice anything strange about me."
Paddy has a long hard look.
Paddy - " No sir, nothing strange"
Foreman - "Come on paddy, honestly, what do you notice".
Paddy - "No sir nothing strange."
Foreman - "Now Paddy, I can't give you the job if you don't be honest, go
on have a good look."
Paddy stares at him insanely, and then notices something.
Paddy - "A sir, I notice".
Foremann - "Yes Paddy"
Paddy - " You'd be wearing contact lenses".
Unexpectedly the foreman enquires.
Foreman - "My word Paddy, that's amazing, how observant of you. How
did you ever notice that."
Paddy - "We'll Sir, were the feck would you find a pair of glasses to fit a
head like that"
1912. There was a lil' green man who went to his lil' green house. He went
to his lil' green shower and turned the lil' green tap on. He heard the lil'
green doorbell ring, so he turned off the lil' green tap, put on a lil' green
towel and opened the lil' green door! There was his lil' green girlfriend. The
lil' green man opened his lil' green arms out wide to give her a lil' green
hug! He wanted to give her a "surprise." His lil' green towel went off and
the lil' green girlfriend ran across the lil' green street screaming, got hit by
a lil' green car and died. The rule is: never run across the road when the
green man is flashing.
1913. Why is man's pee yellow and his sperm white? So he can tell if he's
coming (cumming) or going.
1914. A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?"
he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our
clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!"
So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he
walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A
little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware
of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had
a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it
said, "Sorry....You've had two warnings!"
1915. In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who
wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He
practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet
first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in
a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the
bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,
and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give
me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said,
"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil'
lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked
the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he
was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano
player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for
me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a
better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the oldtimer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the
cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man
pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease
over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can
and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the
old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that
make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the oldtimer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to
shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
1916. Pick-Up Lines:
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet
clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to
you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher,have you
seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
1917. A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday
night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to
the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving
all over the road?" "No," replied the policeman, "you were driving
splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you
away."
1918. Why men can't win...
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If
If
If
If
If
If
If
If
If
If
If
If
years later the englishman comes out of his dungeon pissed, the scotsman
comes out with his women and kids and the irishman comes out and
says, 'Got a light'!
1921. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at
the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you
must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
Heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass
through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said. The second man reached into
his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're
bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third
man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled
out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised
eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man
replied, "They're Carols."
1922. A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous
anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right
beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where
are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac
Convention, in Chicago." He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with
excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting
RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your
role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I
try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really" he
says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?" She explains, "Well,
one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed
when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to
possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best
lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women
best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the
woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I
feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your
name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein."
1923. One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair he has his first meeting with the devil.
Devil: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow. That's awesome.
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead
anyhow.
Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean....
Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead,
who cares? O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place.
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No....
Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . .
1924. A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going
into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached
a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me
or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so
he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner
woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me or climb the
ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry
on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time,
was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she
uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man
thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the
next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me
here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to
imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to
climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly
man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?"
the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
1925. These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly
gates. St.Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run
your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, he turned and
walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the
husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money
to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his
head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in
line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not
going to let us in either."
1926. HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all!
MEMORY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!
APPEARANCE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night!
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE:
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way. Big
John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He
signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuff.
By the end of summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt
really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and
said, "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger and screamed, "And why not?" With a surprised look on his
face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass!"
1930. A young punk gets on the cross-town bus and sits down in the only
vacant seat, directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked,
multi-colored, green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix
of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face
and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright
red, yellow and green feathers. The old man glares at the young punk for
the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city. Finally the punk looks
across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't
you do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the
old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got
really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot....I thought you might
be my son!"
1931. On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" She wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel
like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the
front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He
starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a
time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his
chest. She gasps. He whispers ... "Iron this, and get me something to
eat..!"
1932. A man walks into a scientist's lab looking to buy a new brain. He
asks the scientist how much the brains cost. The scientist says, "Well, first
we have a normal human brain, it costs $1000, next we have a scientist's
brain, it costs $5000, and then we come to a politician's, it costs
$10,000." "How come the politician's brain costs so much?" asks the man.
The scientist replies, "Because it's never been used!"
1933. Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty badly. The
morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends,
Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled
back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The
mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to
identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real
bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it
ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well,
Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the
mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time
we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two
assholes.'!
1934. Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his
eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking. The guy said
"Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts!?"
1935. Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man:
1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it's cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
1936. After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies
went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room. One of the
gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife,
"honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time. The other gent said,
"Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."
1937. Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed
to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The
second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to
paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of
Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled
out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play
poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was
sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and
asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a
box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these." The other two were
puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and
pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go
horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"
1938. An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each
other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some
technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to
the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be
served. When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the
doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the
minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I
would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol." The elderly doctor
promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess said, "Madam, I did
not know there was a choice!"
1939. Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they
decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets
each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn,
each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet
spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet
brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the
neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked
his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you,
how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm going
to go back to paper!"
1940. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm. And here's how it went: Well you see Norm, it's
like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the
same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain
cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but
naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way,
regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers!
1941. A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He
was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break
and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of
the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she
was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six
bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd
never go out with you ever again." To which the local jock replied, "Hey
buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever
again!"
1942. One police asked to the thief, How you theft the horse within a
minute in front of so many people? Thief replied, I did not take the
horse, it was the horse who has taken me so fast within a second.
1943. A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar
who had broken into his house the night before. Youll get your chance
in court, said the Police officer. No, no no! said the man. I want to
know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying
for years.
1944. Arthur bought a car by bank loan. But he did not pay loan amount.
So they took the car from him. After seeing that the man is thinking, If I
knew before, than I would have taken a loan for my marriage also.
1945. Prospective husband: Do you have a book called Man, The
Master of Women?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
1946. Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown
bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The
bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys
drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to
put them on. The second guys says, What are you doing?Sneakers
wont help you outrun that bear. I dont need to outrun the bear, the first
guy says. I just need to outrun you.
1947. A photographer focusing a dead bodys face in a funeral function,
suddenly all relatives beat him. Why? He said: Smile Please !
1948. A rich man needed blood for his heart surgery. He got it from a
miser. The rich man gave him 5 million dollars. Once again the rich man
needed blood for surgery. Bania was more than happy to donated blood
again. This time, the rich just gave him a Cadburyes Chocolate. Bania
asked the reason. The rich man now replied: Now I also have misers
blood in my body.
1949. Master to servant: What will you do with a $100 lying on the floor?
Will you keep it?
Servant: No , Of course not.
Master: Then what will you do with it?
Servant: I will spend it.
1950. HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
* Compliment her
* cuddle her
* kiss her
* caress her
* love her
* stroke her
* tease her
* comfort her
* protect her
* hug her
* hold her
* spend money on her
* wine & dine her
* buy things for her
* listen to her
* care for her
* stand by her
* support her
* go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
* Show up naked.
1951. James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had
attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich "why do you
get all the girls and I get nothing?" Bob replied "take a potato and tuck it in
your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!" So James stuffed a
potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later,
he still had no woman. James went to see Bob again and said "I've tried
the potato and it doesn't work!" Bob looked at James and asked, "have
you tried putting the potato in the front?"
1952. Robert lost his cheque book. He approached bank manager and
informed manager regarding it.
Manager : You should have taken care as any one can sign your
cheque on ur behalf and empty your deposits.
Robert : How can others sign? I am not a fool. I have already signed all
the cheques.
1953. Ron to his friends : For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I
dont know how she got my number, She interrupts whenever I call
someone and says, Please recharge your balance soon.
priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor? Of course. What may I
do for you? Well, I bought an expensive womans electronic hair dryer
for my mothers birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit,
and Im afraid theyll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? I would love to
help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie. With your honest face,
Father, no one will question you. When they got to Customs, she let
the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, Father, do you have
anything to declare? From the top of my head down to my waist, I
have nothing to declare. The official thought this answer strange, so he
asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor? I
have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused. Roaring with laughter, the official said, Go ahead,
Father. Next!
1960. There once were four guys. One guy was brought up in a hospital
and all he knew how to say was I did it! I did it! Then there was a guy
who was brought up in a restaurant and all he knew how to say was
forks and knives! Then there was a guy brought up in a candy shop
and all he knew how to say was goodie goodie gum drops! Then the
fourth guy was brought up in a glade plug in store and all he knew how to
say was plug it in! plug it in! One day they all met in a park and there
was this dead guy on a bench. A cop walks up and says who did this
and the first guy said I did it! I did it! And the cop says how did you do
this and the second guy said forks and knives! The cop says what do
you have to say for your selves and the third guy says goodie goodie gum
drops! Then the cop says you are all going in the electric chair any last
words and the fourth guy says plug it in! plug it in!
1961. There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the
last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During
the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out
of the window excitedly and yelled, Honda, very fast! Made in Japan
!!! After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man
leaned out of the window and yelled, Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese
leaned out of the window and yelled, Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in
Japan! The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on
for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.
The fare was $800!!!! The Japanese exclaimed, What?? so
expensive! There upon, the driver yelled back, Meter, Made
in India VERY VERY FAST !
1962. At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived
babies.
Father says, Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isnt she adorable?
His friend says, But your kid didnt smile. The father replies, I was
talking about the nurse
1963. A police asked to a thief, Why you went to steal same rack 3
times in a store? The Thief replied, Sir, I stole one dress for my wife
and I came to change it twice.
1964. Banta joins the suicide bomber squad, so when he is given a
mission to suicide in the enemies camp. His leader supply him a lot of
weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for
communications. He lands up in the enemys camp, called his boss: Sir,
there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now?
Leader : No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Banta : Sir now there are 25 soldiers, can I do it now?
Boss : Wait for more.
Banta : Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I suicide now?
Boss : Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, dont worry about your
family, we will look after. Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his
chest.
1965. John, Mark, Alicia and Olivia are traveling in a train. The
train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out
of the tunnel. Olivia and John are sitting there looking perplexed. Mark is
bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them
remain diplomatic and nobody says anything. Olivia is thinking: These
Pakistanis are all crazy after Alicia. Mark must have tried to kiss her in
the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him. Alicia is thinking: Mark must
have moved to kiss me, and kissed Olivia instead and got slapped.
Mark is thinking: Damn! it, John must have tried to kiss Alicia, she
thought it was me and slapped me. John is thinking: If this train goes
through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and
slap Mark again.
1966. A drunken man is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. So, says the
cop to the driver, where have you been? Ive been to the pub,
slurs the drunk. Well, says the cop, it looks like youve had quite a
few. I did all right, the drunk says with a smile. Did you know, says
the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, that a few miles
back, your wife fell out of your car? Oh, thank heavens, sighs the
man. For a minute there, I thought Id gone deaf.
1967. Three friends were traveling and went to a desert and were not
getting any food. After a long search they got one Jack fruit and some
bananas. They ate bananas at night and put the Jack fruit for morning
breakfast. Next morning when they woke up and described what they
dreamt at night. One is telling I went to 7th layer of the sky and saw nice
young fairies were dancing besides me. Another one is telling that I went
bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. One beautiful girl came and kissed me and
told me that she is the Queen of the Sea. She touches my hands and
whole night we ate, drank and made merry. Really fantastic. 3rd one is
now describing what he dreamt and he said, I saw one Black tall ghost,
who came to me and chased me and ordered me to eat the Jack fruit. But
I told him I have got two friends, without them I will not eat the Jack
fruit. But the Ghost made me eat the Jack fruit and I ate it all. I tried to
call you two, but one of you were in Mid sky and another was under the
sea and having fun, so I could not save it for u!
1968. Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith
clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide whos
going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short
one. Break it to her gently, they all urge. Leave it to me, he says.
When Smiths wife comes to the door, Anderson says, Your husband just
lost $500 playing cards. How much? the wife yells, eyes blazing. Tell
1976. The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes
on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, What do you have in
there, pal? A mongoose. What for? Well, you know how drunk I can
get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and Im scared to death of snakes.
Thats why I got this mongoose, for protection. But, the friend said,
you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes. Thats okay, said the drunk,
showing his friend the interior of the box, So is the mongoose.
1977. Once a guy was coming out of airport. As there was huge rush,
the security guard told him WAIT SIR For which he replied 65Kgs
and moved on
1978. Kevin sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander
as to whore the guys?
The bystander : A Marathon race is going on.
Kevin : What do they get from that?
Bystander : The winner will get a prize
Kevin : Then why are the others running?
1979. Once a guy was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on
other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the
weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on
the other hand it would be hot.
1980. Once three guys decided to go on a picnic. When they got there,
they realized they had forgotten the soda. So, the youngest one said he
would go home and get the soda if the others promised not to eat the
sandwiches until he got back. An hour, a couple of hours, then all day went
by. Both of them were now very hungry. Finally one of the guys said: Oh,
come on, he is not going to be back. Lets eat the sandwiches.
Suddenly, the youngest one popped up from behind a rock and said:
If you do, I wont go.
1981. Once a guy goes to a mirror shop to buy a mirror. He wanders all
over the shop before the shopkeeper comes and asks him,May I help
you?.
1987. A guy went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C. After seeing the form he
had gone to Washington for filling it up. You know why? Form said: Fill
Up In Capital.
1988. Boss: Where were you born ?
Ed: America.
Boss: Which part?
Ed: Whole body born in America.
1989. A bus fell into lake, everyone swimmed across to save their lives.
Suddenly a guy jumps in searches for someone, when asked whom he
seaching for. He said, The conductor did not give me the balance. Am
searching for him.
1990. Gary tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the
match box, but it didnt light. He tried another, It didnt light too. The third
one finally lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his
vest pocket. What for did you put that match in your vest pocket? asked
the another man. Gary replied, Thats a lucky match stick. Ill use it
again.
1991. Carl was busy in removing a wheel from his three-wheeler!
Ron asks: Why are you removing a wheel from your auto?
Carl: Cant u read Parking for two wheelers only.
1992. Seeing Matt depressed one of his friends asks him, Why are you
sad? To which Matt replies I lost $300 in bet. His friend asks
himHow? Matt says..I bet on England for $200But unfortunately
England lost. His friend queries..But you said $300 Matt
answersI again bet for England for $100 in the highlights of the
match
1993. A man received an invitation, to a party which said Black Tie Only!!
When he went to the party he was surprised to find the other invitees
wearing trousers and shirts as well !!
1994. Nicholas is walking on a street which has clock tower when
someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Nicholas
says Yes.
Give me a thousand dollars and Ill go get a ladder. The man took
the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours, Nicholas
figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day, Nicholas is again
walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the
clock,
Give me a thousand dollars and Ill go get a ladder. Nicholas gives
him the thousand and says, I am not a fool. This time, you wait and Ill
go get a ladder.
1995. Ben meets a policeman on a way and asks, Excuse me, officer,
but did you know that my wife has had an affair? The policeman,
surprised, No! I didnt know Ben breathed deeply, exclaiming, So Im
not the last one to know after all.
1996. Two friends, were talking about the American Astronauts. One
said to the other, Whats the big deal about going to the moon-anybody
can go to the moon. We will go direct to the sun. But if we get within 13
million miles from the sun, well melt. And the first answered, So what,
well go at night!
1997. Five Important Qualities:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
1998. A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks
and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding
anniverserys are the next day. Poor man, "What did you get your wife for
her wedding anniversery?" Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a
diamond ring." Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?" Rich man,
"She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like
it, she can take it back in her new car... " The poor, "Man nodds in
agreement." Rich man, "What did you get your wife?" Poor man, "I got my
wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo." Rich man, "Why did you choose
those gifts?"
Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."
1999. Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. The wife was
waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said to her, 'what are you doing
'baking' at this time of the night ?
2000. 4 gay guys walk into a bar and notice there is one stool left. One
gay guy suggest to play rock, paper, scissors and the other gay guy says,
"Stop all this nonsense. Lets just flip the stool over."
2001. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2002. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
2003. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
2004. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
2005. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
2006. A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss
asked what happened. The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at
church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was
caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me
square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss
asked. "Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it
back in."
2007. On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the
woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow
managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred
looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of
pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the
game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that
patch. Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me
to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for
your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter
for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't
have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!...she was
gone. After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!...
Harry!... where are you?" Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy
willows." Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!
DON'T SWING!!!"
2008. The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked
and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped
by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture
at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
2009. A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle
containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him
one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie
looks concerned, then says, "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some
things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says,
"Well, for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That
would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says,
"How would you define peace?"
2010. A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming
him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the
cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client
places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest
shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks
in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the
barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
2011. A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed
with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the
world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you
came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The
fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his
seeing-eye dog in the ass."
2012. Ive been making a lot of Freudian slips lately a man says casually
to his friend. Like what? asks his buddy. Well, last week I asked the
train conductor for two pickets to Tittsburgh. I did something similar the
other day says the friend. My wife and I were having breakfast, and
instead of saying, Honey, please pass the butter I said, You bitch, you
ruined my life!
2013. Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it
comes driving by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect
timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "Dave Aronson. He's this guy who
did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It
would have happened like that to Dave." "There are always a few clouds
over everyone," says Morris. "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He
could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He
sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was
something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He
could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole
neighborhood." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually
met Dave." "Then how do you know so much about him?" asks
Morris. "Because I married his widow."
2014. An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As
the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he
falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and
says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't
slip." The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing
seven years ago, I would have a seat today."
2015. An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with
some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was
a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield
themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
2016. Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was
30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the
time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By
the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm
gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one
hand." "So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the
first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
2017. Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each
other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold
and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of
vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare
ass. After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are
you doing?" Bob explained and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze
your ass off." Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet. Then his wife got
an idea. "Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way." Bob's
wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with
Bob. Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are
you doing?" Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the
bottle!" "You are crazy. Come on in." "Certainly not, I am already on the
winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"
2018. There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow
employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked
George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he
would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late. On Saturday
morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and
won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he
will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on
time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next
few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late,
and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The
other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the
deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six
minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right
handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that? George
replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when
I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf
left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right
handed.'' ''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she
is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
2019. A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his
head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3
hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the
shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks
around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy
leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in
the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A
little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The
barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears
in his eyes and says, "Your house."
2020. Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her
Millionaire: A Billionaire!
2021. Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he
decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the
church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the
pastor. "Father, I am sinful." "Yes son, just tell me what have you done,
the Lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years
and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her
house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I
slept with her." "That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your
mistake." "Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but
nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her
too." "That's not very good of you." "Father, last month, I went to her
uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie,
and I slept with her too." "Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy
realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and
discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?" He searched high and low, and finally he found
him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding
here?" "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here
except me."
2022. These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would
never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and
they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never
look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader`s store
and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The
trader got the gear together and on top of each one`s supplies he laid a
board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys asked "What`s
that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you`re going there are no
women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We`ve sworn off
women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if
you don`t use them I`ll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and
left. The next year this guy came into the trader`s store and said "Give me
enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren`t
you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?"
asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks
"Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"
2023. Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate
his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the
circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure
him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so
completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On
the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about
Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That`s awful," said
Frank, "But it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his
bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?" "Well," replied Frank, "If it
happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
2024. Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a
vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years,
I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to
Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told
me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant
again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob
says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
2025. Two men were down the pub talking. The first man said, "My wife,
she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the
house. It's incredible !" The second man says, "That's nothing. My wife
thinks I'm God!" "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"
"Easy...Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"
2026. A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist
down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold.
Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?" The guest
obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very
good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi,
ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!" They stare at
him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts
down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?" The reply comes back, "Yes,
both of them!"
2029. A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing
off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and
decided to nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his
loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what
a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeper,
raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well,
the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" She took off her pretty
blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A
while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised
his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He
stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's
nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
2030. A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman
asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before
him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a
drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink
back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
2031. Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out
late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was
asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into
trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide
awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving
me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you
do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
2032. A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right
to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you." The
drunk replies, "Boobs."
2033. At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants. At age
12, success is..................having friends. At age 20, success
is..................having sex. At age 35, success is..................making money.
him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh,
ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you
know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's
that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied
the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose,
what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
2041. Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a
Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90. When the suspect
crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The
rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Sarge, why'd you
stop?" "You dumb rookie," replied the Sarge. "He's in Georgia now.
They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
2042. English..... I Love You
Spanish..... Te Amo
French...... Je T'aime
German...... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian..... Ti Amo
Redneck..... Nice Tits
2043. Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment:
the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a
cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing,
but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day,
and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their
vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're
really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize
that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" The
other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
2044. How to Know where a Driver is from:
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.. Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
2048. The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections
from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the
heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If
he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police
what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets
greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The
Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends someo of their
hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask
him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them,
so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the
interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's
the money?" The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking
about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of
the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!" The interpreter
signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what
you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the
trigger."
2049. 15 Ways to be Annoying:
1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until
your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your
neighbors that you're a "spider person."
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in!
He's the killer!"
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often
you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little
men."
9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if
anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at
the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because
of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by
randomly breaking out into song in public.
2050. The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical
errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the
ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines
roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from crashing! As the plane
landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned
to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the
plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on
his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were
talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so
many midgets on the flight. "Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied.
Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"
2051. Fun Pool Activities:
1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your
demands are met.
2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have
seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah..
oooh that feels soooo good.."
9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so
much lemonade before I came here."
11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA
HA, fooled you!"
13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
2052. Signs That You're Broke:
At communion you go back for seconds.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.
McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe
Lincoln.
2053. Ways To Annoy People:
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that
this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Drum on every available surface.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.
2054. A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-
11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash
in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
2055. Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator
from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly
got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator
was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the
refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup truck only to
realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
2056. A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a streetlevel window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then
realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he
could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and
(3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911"
for help..
2057. A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you
ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording.
Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the
bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
2058. A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided
the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
2059. A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery,
and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd
forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
2060. A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine
on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut,
and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the
man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can
I do for you?" The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to
hook up your phone."
2070. A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad
one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's
nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of
our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a
sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head,
opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the
woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the
cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The woman asks, "Aren't you
having any?" The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
2071. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife
Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: "You can have mine."
2072. A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob
the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note
reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the
knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire
premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police
carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in
human nature has been rudely shaken."
2073. The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was
greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on
you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your
wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad
news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want
to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad
news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this
morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!,"
said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the
policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the
policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a
dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than
what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
2074. A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case
of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug,
"Good trade."
2075. Compare The Genders:
EATING OUT
When the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man would not be able to identify most of these items. SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip
on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
2077. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should
take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The
theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the
finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that
100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued
over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
2078. Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden, and he asked God,
"God can you put someone else on this planet with me? It's kind of lonely
here?" So God said, "I will put on earth a woman, " "'What is this
woman?" asked Adam. "A woman is somebody who will provide
companionship and take care of all your needs," explained God. "Oh holy
master, what is the price for this women"' asked Adam. "The price for her
is your left arm and your right eye," said God. Then Adam replied, "Ehh...
what can I get for a rib?"
2079. A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The
clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on
Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked
for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what
day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
2080. Men Are Like
..Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
..Bike helmets.
They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.
..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
..Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that's about it.
..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.
..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
..High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
..Curling irons.
They're always hot and always in your hair.
..Mini skirts.
If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.
..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.
..Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
2081. A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is
driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans
out the window and yells, "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his
window and replies, "BITCH!!" They each continue on their way, and as
the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.
2082. The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the
priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the
priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful
woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans;
I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing,
my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse,
Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic
with her s*xual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult
time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their
hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his
wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you
kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load
off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said
the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
2083. A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at
a tiny man on the table playing the piano. "Wow, look how small he is,
where did you get him?!" Says the man. "Oh, well there's this genie round
the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want." Sure enough,
the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie. "You grant
wishes right?" "Yes." replies the genie. "Hmm, I'd like a million
bucks." Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind
the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar. "Look, that genie gave me
ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies, "Well yeah, do you really think I
asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
2084. It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the
hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was
almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from
his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a
very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to
swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the
watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH*T!" said the Hypnotist. It took three
days to clean up the Senior Center!
2085. One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He
looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared
and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your
kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one." The man thought for a
minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never
been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I
wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a
minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work
involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would
have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement
that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought
for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I
have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend.
What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so
difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?" The genie
considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or
four?"
2086. A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles
south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line.. When the trooper asked the
driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and
Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine
Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was
fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him
then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his
equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he
had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler
said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to
him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A
drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the
performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door
and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and
opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The
drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't
no way I can pass that test."
2087. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with
big boobs. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was
no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In
college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was
25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that
I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I
found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one
thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things
and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and
very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real
ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that
she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now,
and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.
2088. Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives....
"I'll never amount to anything in life..", said the one friend. "In fact, my
uncle is the town drunk.." "Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other,
trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?" "New York
City..."
2089. An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together
at the local tavern. The Irishman says, "...You know, where I'm from,
there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy
another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink." The Italian then
says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you
buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and
then Vinnie buys you another drink.." The Pollack then says "Well...where I
come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you
another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you
in back, and then you get laid !" The Irishman and the Italian both respond
with, "Gee....that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been
there?" "No..." said the Pollack, "....but my sister has ...."
2090. Two russian guys are walking down the street and they find a
$100.
So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on
vodka?"
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."
2091. A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract
his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the
wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the
drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
2092. A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning. He checks
his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor. it reads, "Do you have any
engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteendimensional space?" "Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the
situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13."
2103. An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in
Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep
standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are
black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are
black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled
thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at
least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."
2104. Two friends Peter and Jack is leaving for holiday in a same airplane.
Peter was sad when he couldn't meet Jack before they get in to the plane.
After some time he sees Jack coming up the stairs and Peter shouted,
"HI-JACK"
2105. A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he
walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they
both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits) The guy says to the
drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says,
"Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
2106. There is the chief and he is going down a field with his tribe, and
they come across a pile of sh*t.So the chief asks his tribe men:
"Does this look like sh*t to you?"
"Yes is does", they replied.
"Smell it. Does it smell like sh*t to you", asks the Chief.
"Mmmmm..Yes"
"Feel it. Does it feel like sh*t to you?", says the Chief.
"Mmmmm..Yes"
"Lick it. Does it taste like sh*t to you?", inquires the Chief.
"Ammmm...Yes"
"Good. Don't step on it!"
2107. A guy was going to Texas and when he went on the train he said,
"Ohh my god Texas chairs are really big." He went to a bar he asked for a
bear and when the bar tender gave him the mug of bear the guy said,
"Wooww Texas mugs are really big." Later he asked the bar tender were
is the bathroom and the bar tender said, "Strait on your right." But the guy
went on his left and when he entered the room he slipped and feel in the
swimming pool and said, "Don't flush don't flush!!!"
2108. Guy: Wanna go hunting?
Guy's friend:Sure.
G:It's the forest just outside my house.
*Later in the day*
GF:Hey man your wife's cheatin' on you.
G:God dammit. Shoot him in the d*ck and her in the head.
GF: Wow I can do that in one shot!
2109. A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling
women. His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter
how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them.
Great says his mate, what is it! Just walk up to any woman you fancy and
say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of
cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
2110. This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my
house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking
is made and when the dishes are washed." One of the guys at the table
said, "How long have you been married?" The man says, "Oh I'm not
married I'm single!"
2111. Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter,
Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the
tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away,
Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife." Donnie
says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours
later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, "Where
did you get that beer, Donnie?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie
replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and
she gave you beer?" "Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she
answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow." She said,
"You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case
of Budweiser you are."
2120. Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with
narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When
you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are
mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first
cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the
force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a
terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like
to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
2121. A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn. The cop asked, "Can you
explain why you're out at this hour?" "If I could," the drunk said, "I'd be
home by now!"
2122. A young curate, in his 1st charge was under the supervision of a
vicar with a good sense of humour. The Vicar was worried that the young
curate seemed to have no sense of humour so one day to test him out he
told the story, "You know young man, the best years of my life were spent
in the arms of another man's wife." At this news the curate was
shocked. Then the vicar said with a laugh, "Yes, the arms of my
mother." This at last raised a smile on the young curate's face. He was to
speak that afternoon to the parish Mothers union, so he thought he might
begin by retelling the story as an opener. So he began, "Ladies, you know
the best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's
wife." Then he paused, and finally said, "And for the moment I cannot
remember who she was!"
2123. Frank was rather sad when he saw an atheist lying dead on the
table.
And the Frank said: "Look at him...at dressed up and nowhere to go!"
2124. A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a
man beating up a woman on the other side of the street. The driver rush to
the scene. He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy
roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop
the meter."
2125. Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw
an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and
walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man
has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student
says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He
walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since
they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached
him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and
couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the
syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students
think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man
said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man
said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old
timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I
was wrong, too!"
2126. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
2127. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
2128. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
2129. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
2130. 4 men were stranded in a desert. Suddenly, 1 of them died. The
other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead
body. The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver." The 2nd
man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest." The 3rd man said,
"I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"
2131. A couple of years ago the english national team was about to start
training in preparation for an important qualifying match when the manager
at the time, Sven-Goran Eriksson, discovered a big turd in one of the
penalty areas on the practice pitch. Ok boys, he said, who's shit on the
ground? Emile Heskey replied: Me coach, but I'm good in the air!
2132. Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats
backwards?" Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the
f*cking boat!"
2133. Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans. One day, both Billy and Joe
made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to
the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was
played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form
of a ghost. A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend
and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in
Heaven?" "Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for
ya. First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!" "Thank God!"
Joe shouts... "What is the bad news?!" "You're pitching tomorrow."
2134. I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman
Forever. The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back
tomorrow!"
2135. Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first
day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day. "You get worse and
worse every day!" yelled his boss. "That is because the bucket gets
further and further away every day." said Paddy.
2136. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."
2137. This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York. The jetliner
gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are
no attendants or pilots. The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down
the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne
the intercom says, Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you
can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally
computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that
2143. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good
dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes
wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and
tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes"
exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders
for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small
and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" And
Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
2144. A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are
moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small
hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian
commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a
gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The
voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred
Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops
over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of
battle, again Silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is
better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian
commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the
hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as
a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded
Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his
commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of
them."
2145. There was a passenger plane in flight when suddenly one of the
engines blew. There was no cargo and the plane had too much weight to
stay in flight, so the flight attendant came on the intercom and said. "We
are going to have to ask people to start departing the plane one by one so
we can save as many as possible, I will start in alphabetical order to see
who departs the plane according by race. *A* will all the African
Americans please depart the plane". Nobody moves...."B will all black
people please depart the plane." Nobody moves..."C!!! will all the colored
folks please depart the plane." Nobody moves.. A little black boy turns to
his black father and says "daddy daddy, they called us three times, why
haven't we jumped off the plane?" The father replies, "Well son today we
are Ni**ers and the Mexicans are jumping first."
2146. Ben: I am so miser that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved
half the money.
George: That is nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife for honeymoon
with a friend.
2147. Alex: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Ed: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.
2148. Mike: Why are you heating the knife.
Gary: To do suicide.
Mike: But why are you heating it?
Gary: To prevent infection.
2149. Calvin: Blue-line buses are notorious for killing people in accidents.
Today a Blue-line bus driver saved 2 lives.
Bill: Howz that possible?
Calvin: He did not go to job today.
2150. A funny accountant visits a museum with a his friend.
Accountant: This painting is 500 years and 20 days old.
Friend: Amazing! Where did you get this exact information?
Accountant: I was here 20 days ago. The guide told me that the painting
was 500 years old.
2151. Paul: Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?
Carl: I can't see the agony of the audience.
2152. A man applied for the post of a detective. In the interview he was
asked a question: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Man: I will tell you tomorrow.
He come home and tells his wife: I got the job and my first work is
to investigate who killed Lincoln.
2153. Edward saw two workers in Karachi. One of them dig a hole, and
the other guy immediately fill it with soil again. They repeated the work
again and again. Edward couldnt understand their job. He asked them
about it. Workers replied: The third guy who plants the trees in holes is on
leave today, & we are doing our duty.
2154. A Drunk man points towards sky and asks another drunk: Is it sun
or moon?
Second Drunk: I can't say what it is, because I am also new in the town.
2155. A soldier walks into his officer's room. To impress him, the army
officer picks the phone, dials a number and said "Yes sir, I understand sir.
I will tell the Prime Minister. Goodbye." Looking at the soldier he barked
"What do you want?" "Nothing sir." he replied. "I just came to install your
telephone."
2156. 2 men were searching for their lost wife in a festival at a city.
First man: How does your wife look like?
Second man: She is 5'7", 36-24-36 sexy figure, fair, sweet, beautiful,
green sexy eyes, brown hair... And yours?
First man: Forget mine, let us look for yours...
2157. A Funny guy cuts sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess why
?? To avoid side effects!!
2158. Lionel was going to a railway line to commit suicide. He was
carrying a tiffin with her.
Friend asked: WHY ?
Lionel replied: If the train gets late, will I remain hungry ?
2159. Santa: What is the difference between complete and finish?
Banta: When you marry a right person you arecomplete and when you
marry the wrong one you are finished!!!!!
2160. 2 guys were fixing a bomb in a car.
Guy 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Guy 2: Don't worry, I have one more.
2161. It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. Would you like
dinner? the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. What are my
choices? John asked. Yes or no she replied.
2162. Two friends are walking through a garden. Suddenly one climbed up
a top of the coconut tree and told to another friend Now I can see Girls
Medical college hostel. Then the another friend replied that if you untie
your hands you will see medical college also.
2163. A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
The material we put into our stomach is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after
eating it? A old man in the front row stood up and said, Wedding Cake!
2164. Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 7.0 to
Husband 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In
addition, Husband 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Ladies Night 1.0,
Celebrity 5.0, Cool Boys 7.5, and Shopping 3.6. I cant seem to keep
Husband 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite
applications. Im thinking about going back to Boyfriend 7.0, but the
uninstall doesnt work on Husband 1.0. Please help! Thanks, Troubled
User
2165. A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his
porch. I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she said. Whats
your secret for a long happy life? I smoke three packs of cigarettes a
day, he said. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and
never exercise. Thats amazing, the woman said. How old are you?
Twenty-six! he said.
2166. A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The
old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, well, son, it
was 1932. The depth of the great depression. I was down to my last
nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of the day, i sold the apple for ten cents. The
next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire
day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this
system for a month, by the end of which Id accumulated a fortune of
$1.37. Then my wifes father died and left us two million dollars.
2167. A man was telling his neighbor, I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. Its perfect.
Really, answered the neighbor . What kind is it? Twelve thirty.
2168. Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, Windy, isnt it? No, the second
man replied, its Thursday. The third man chimed in, So am I. Lets
have a beer.
2169. An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old
man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man
really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk,
the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the
contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty
and confesses to his crime. Dont worry, son. I never eat the peanuts
anyway, the old man replies. Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum
chocolate off the M&Ms.
2170. Sam: When you buy a note book there will be no margin in it. Why
is it so?
Bill: Simple, it is because I always buy the note book from a Margin-Free
Market!!
2171. Once, a guy from Africa went to America. While passing through
a road he saw a very high building. He was amazed to see it, and decided
to count its storeys. As he was doing so a townsman saw him and tried to
befool him.
So he approached the guy and asked, What are you doing? When he
told the answer, the townsman said that one had to pay two dollars for
every storey counted. How many have you counted? The guy said ten
and gave the man twenty dollars. Walking away, the guy was very happy
to think how he has befooled the other man for he had counted twenty.
2172. While visiting Alexs house, his friend noticed that he had replaced
his usual TV with a smaller model. Thinking that perhaps the larger set has
broken down, Alexs friend asked why the small one was there. Oh, Alex
replied, I have decided to watch less T.V.
2173. Once Edward and Mike were going in a jungle, Suddenly they saw
one tiger coming towards them. To save themselves they climbed a tree
and both sat on one branch. The tiger came under the tree and sat down.
Edward told Mike, just to pass Time Why dont you sing some song
Mike started to sing. After singing four songs he hanged upside down on
the branch and then again sung four songs. After singing all the songs,
Mike came back to his original position. Edward asked curiosly, Mike,
You sung four songs sitting in upright position and next four songs you sat
upside down, Why did you do that? Mike told, First four songs were
from side A and the other four were from Side B!
2174. Jake and Paul get into a double-decker bus. Jake somehow
managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunately, Paul got pushed to the
top. After a while when the rush was over, Jake went upstairs to see
friend Paul. He met Paul in a bad condition clutching the seats in front
with both hands, scared to death.
He says, Paul! What the hell going on? Why are you so scared? I was
enjoying my ride down there? Scared Paul replies, Yeah, but youve got
a driver.
2175. Ben meets his friend Peter.
Ben: A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B!
Peter: What do you mean?
Ben: I Mean Long Time No C..!
2176. Gary and Neville are riding through the desert on their horses. As
they ride along, Neville smells something horrible. He stops his horse and
turns around. He says, Hey, you shit your pants? Gary says, No. He
believes him and they keep riding. As they go on, the smell gets worse.
The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Neville stops his horse and turns
around. He then says, Are you sure you did not shit your pants? Gary
says, Yes, I am sure.
They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Neville
stops his horse and gets off his horse. He then says, Get of your horse.
Pull down your pants. I thought you said you did not shit your pants?
Gary replies, I thought you meant today!
2177. Mark was inserting dogs tail into pipe.
Bill: Hey you cant bend a dogs tail.
Mark: Idiot, I am trying to bend the pipe!
2178. Norman is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, Watch
for Fallen Rocks. A few kilometres later, he sees some rocks at the side
of the road, so he stops and picks them up. When he gets to the next
town, he carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office and
puts them on the counter. Here are your fallen rocks, he says to the
man behind the counter. Now where is my watch?.
2179. Chris had to be admitted to hospital and was surprised to see
Kevin on the bed next to him. Kevin explained what happened to him. He
had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last
bus. He couldnt find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and
asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner
replied, I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I cant allow you to stay. He
approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the
night. The Owner replied, I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry, I cant
allow you to stay. He went to the next house and asked, Do you have
grown up Daughters? The Owner asked, WHY??? Kevin replied, I
wanted to stay here for a night
2180. Mike got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone.
Is this one one one one?, says the voice. Mike said, No, this is eleven
eleven. Are you sure it isnt one one one one? Again Mike said, No,
this is eleven eleven. Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on
the middle of the night. Mike replied, Thats all right, mister. I had to get
up to answer the telephone anyway.
2181. Man 1: I tried your number so many times, it always
said Switched Off!
Man 2: No, its my HELLO TUNE!
2182. An Hollywood actor reported that there was one shortcoming when
he appeared on the stage in Alaska known for cold climate. When the
audience clapped he could not tell whether they were applauding him or
trying to keep their hands warm!
2183. One of the plays of Bernard Shaw was being enacted on the stage.
Bernard Shaw asked the audience, What do you think ofi t? A young
man stood up and said, Rotten! Bernard Shaw smiled and said, My
friend, I agree with you. Then showing the crowd in front, he added, But
what are we two against so many?
2184. Mark: My father is always scared to cross the road.
Friend: How do you know that?
Mark: He always catches hold of my hand before we cross the road!
2185. A shirt manufacturer was reciting his woes to a friend. In March,
he mourned, I lost $5000. In April, $10000. May was the biggest blow,
yet I lost $15000. Can you imagine anything worse than that? Yes, said
his friend, June!
2186. Neville: What kind of fellow is Tom? I havent met him.
Ray: Well, if you see two fellows talking anywhere and one of them looks
bored to death, the other one is bound to be Tom!
2187. Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become
a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing
about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of
those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well,
then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he
backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the
chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do
you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him
and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip
with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well,
then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun
doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the
shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run
out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the
cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion
comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the
whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the
bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
2188. The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at
the race. He turned on the jockey. "Flaherty, could you not have raced
faster?" "Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the
horse."
2189. Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
Customer: Im moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my
apartment in the condition in which I found it.
2190. A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with
one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said,
"I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend
asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm
sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said,
"Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who
will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really
want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about
any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck
full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still
SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are
the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you
fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are
RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You
dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of
the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because
no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know
allthe words.
OFFICE JOKES:
2192. Interviewer: Congrats! You are selected. Your first year Salary is
$60,000 and next year will be $100,000.
Candidate: Thank u! I will join next year!
2193. Boss: I am appointing you as my driver. STARTING salary is $2000,
is it ok??
Jake: You are great sir! Starting salary is fine but how much is DRIVING
salary?!
2194. Interviewer: Just imagine, you are on the 3rd floor and it catches
fire. How will you escape?
Candidate: Its simple! I will stop imagining!
2195. What is the difference between Secretary and Private Secretary?
Ans: Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR and Private Secretary says
ITS
MORNING SIR!
2196. Once American industrialist, Henry Ford was asked why he went to
his executives office instead of asking him to come to his chamber. He
said, I have found I can leave the other fellows office a lot quicker than I
can get him to leave mine!
2197. One of the most funny office timetable ever prepared:
9.00 Starting time
9.30 Arrive at work
9.45 Coffee break
11.00 Check e-mail
11.15 Prepare for lunch
12.00 Lunch
2.45 Browse the Internet
3.00 Tea Break
4.00 Prepare to go home
4.30 Go home
5.00 Finishing time
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.
Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your
knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely.
Sign here: Aries.
2199. Sales Manager to an applicant: Have you any previous sales
experience?
Applicant: Yes, Sir! I sold my house, my car and all my wifes jewellery!
2200. The employer was talking with his new employee to whom he was
paying only a small salary. Your monthly salary is a very personal matter.
Hence, as far as possible, do not reveal it to anyone. I would not dream
of telling it to anyone, Sir, retorted the young employee I am as much
ashamed of it as you are!
2201. One fine morning, a man entered the room of his boss and asked
for a days leave to celebrate the 3rd Anniversary. The over-curious boss
asked, The 3rd anniversary of what My last raise of salary!
2202. Chris was the proprietor of a big firm but was mean with his
employees. On the firms 25th anniversary, he offered a $5000 prize to the
employee who could suggest the beat publicity idea for the firm. But he
insisted upon the following conditions that the idea should cost very little,
that the whole country would talk about it and that it should make many
happy. Next week, he received an anonymous letter: Jump off the top of
a big tower. That will cost nothing, everyone will talk about it and atleast it
will make all your employees very happy!
2203. The employer called his secretary and said: Ashley, look at this
letter. I cannot make out whether it is from my tailor or my lawyer. They
are both named Victor. The note read: I have begun your suit. Ready to
be tried on next Thursday, Victor!
2204. Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get
through; can you help?
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that were open!
2205. Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall!
2206. Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is
correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off!
2207. There was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland!
2208. A man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to
write the number on!
2209. Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there!?
2210. Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies
are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas
company!
2211. Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so; I have worked in 10 different places in the last
3 months!
2212. TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof.
We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come
to work.
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any
thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you
are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should
not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to
have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained
for.
DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them,
and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements.
However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave
1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the
job going in your absence.
Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those
whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're
unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day
when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT!
2213. Sorry, but I just don't remember where I first heard this one... At our
annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game
of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept won, 8-4.
But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following
notice. The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion
of this year's softball tournament, we finished in second place overall,
having lost only one game the entire season. We would also like to take
this opportunity to offer our condolences to the Ad Dept's team for
finishing next to last, having won only one game during the entire year!
2214. IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
So why is it, again, that we work?!
2215. Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went
wrong, they said I was responsible!"
2216. The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told
him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the
manager asked the new guy. "John" the new guy replied. The manager
scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you
worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my
employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am
to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight,
what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name
is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is...!"
2217. Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for
embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education? As the
policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in
handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where
were you going to get the rest of the money?!"
2218. A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he
found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his
hand. "Listen" said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make
this thing work?" "Certainly" said the young executive. He turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent,
excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I
just need one copy!"
2219. An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different
limbs... at different levels ... some climbing up. The monkeys on the top
look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom
look up and see nothing but assholes!
2220. Ten Commandments of Employment:
If it rings, put it on hold.
If it clunks, call the repairman.
If
If
If
If
If
If
If
If
2221. Are you not the boy who applied for the post a week ago? Yes,
sir. And did I not say, that I wanted an older boy? Yes sir, that is why I
am here now!
2222. Manager: Look at all the dust on this desk! It looks as if it has not
been cleaned for a fortnight.
Servant: Dont blame me sir, I joined duty just a week back!
2223. A clerk asked the old office peon, How is it that you have a black
moustache but grey hair on your head? My dear sir, the hair of my
moustache is 18 years younger than the hair on my head!, came the
prompt reply.
2224. Visitor: How many people work here?
Employer: Oh, one out of every ten!
2225. The new stenographer arrived late for work. Her boss was wild with
anger. He said, You should have come here at nine! She asked, Why?
What happened!?
2226. How in the world did you ever come to write a policy on a man 98
years of age? asked an insurance official of a new agent. Why? I
checked with the census reports explained the new agent, according to
them, only a few persons of that age die each year!
2227. A writer went to see the editor of a magazine and said, Here is the
short story I offered you last year. What is the idea of bringing it back
when I have rejected it last year itself? asked the editor. Well, said the
writer, you have had a years experience since then!
train stops? Yes the train station he replied. And you know where the
bus stops? Yes, the bus station but I fail to see.... Well I interrupted,
You know I have a workstation!
2237. A Company director was giving a speech to thank Bert for his 38
years service. He said "Bert is a man who doesn't know the meaning of
words like lunch break or impossible task. This is why we have all put in to
buy him a dictionary as a leaving present.
2238. Driving home one evening, my boss called me and informed me that
he had promoted me. The surprise caused me to swerve the car. A few
minutes later, he called again to say that he was making me vice-president
of the company. The shock caused me to swerve the car more than
previously. A further five minutes on, he calls me again to say that he
wants me to become president. The shock causes me to completely lose
control of the car and I hit a lamp post. When the police arrived and asked
what caused the accident I replied, Dont know, I just careered off the
road!
2239. My boss told me the other day that I must love my work because he
reckons that I can just sit looking at it for ages!
2240. My boss called me into his office the other day and asked me if I
believed that there was life after death. I replied, Yes, I think that there
is. I thought so said my boss, Because yesterday, minutes after you
took the
afternoon off to attend your Grandpa's funeral, he popped by to see you!
2241. I had a 2nd reminder from the Tax office the other day saying that
my taxes were overdue. I went to pay it straight away, saying that I didn't
remember getting a first reminder. We don't send first reminders out said
the taxman, The 2nd ones are more effective!
2242. IT guy (Asks worker): What do you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker: (stays quiet)
IT guy: I have Money, Name and Stock Options. What do you have?
Daily Wage Construction Worker: I have work!
my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a
present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy
Birthday'. "I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will
remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.
And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and
despondent. As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, BossHappy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You
know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to
lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have
heard all day. Let's go.' "We went to lunch. We didn't go where we
normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two
Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. "On the way back to the office,
she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to
the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.' "She said, 'Let's go by my
apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.' "We went to her apartment. We
enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if
you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more
comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all. "She went into the
bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a
big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing
'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks."
2253. I'm tired. For a couple of years, I've been blaming it on iron poor
blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I
found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of
USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do
the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the
work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed
Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the
14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that
leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that
leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. Boy Oh Boy..
And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired, I'm the only one
working!
2254. A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour
Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent
an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and
tell me how much you pay them." "All right" said the farmer, "I have a hired
man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and
board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week
plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled
on a note pad. "Yeah" the farmer said, "There's a half-wit here. Works
about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him
chewing tobacco." "Aha!" the agent roared, "I want to talk to that halfwit!" "You're talking to him now!" said the farmer.
2255. Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first
one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first
thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard,
you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never
be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked
the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The
interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job
with his company. As the second guy is leaving, the second guy warns the
third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears.
He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the
office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you
look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The
interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"
The applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses,
you've got no ears!"
2256. The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he
wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop
and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his
office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that
someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she
wants her sign back!"
2257. Hilarious Resume:
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. I have
learnt Word Perfect 6.0, computer and spreadsheet programs. Received
a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed
financial institutions. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. It's best
for employers that I not work with people. I Am a perfectionist and rarely I
ever forget details. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. I
have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. Instrumental
in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. Note: Please don't
misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job. Reason
for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45
every morning. Could not work under those conditions. Finished eighth in
my class of ten!
2258. An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a
potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows,
two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the
building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor, "You've got to
stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back" says the American. And indeed,
at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return
from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his
guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to
order?" "Forget the machines" says the visitor, "How much do you want
for that whistle?!"
2259. An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket
of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um
coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall
mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the
bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just
walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says
to the waiter, "Me want um coffee". The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're
still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the
heck was all that about, anyway"? The Indian smiles and proudly says,
Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot
shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day!
material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice
that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made
by Q-tip is personally tested." Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud
five times, "I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip
Company!"
2264. This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody,
Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody
did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told
Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody!
2265. One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed
every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him
that his constant blinking would bother customers. "I can fix that with some
Aspirin. I'll just take some and be better in a second." So, he reaches into
his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He
takes it and his blinking goes away. The CEO says, "We don't approve of
womanizing!" The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a
pharmacist for aspirin while your winking!"
2266. Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss" he says,
"we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife
needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies, "I can't give you the day
off." "Thanks, boss" says Smith, I knew I could count on you!
2267. Once a young man was asked in an interview, Did you ever meet
any Railway accident? The man replied: Yes, once the train was going
through a long tunnel I have kissed the father instead of his daughter.
2268. Interviewer said, I shall either ask you ten easy questions or
one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!
The boy thought for awhile and said,My choice is one really difficult
question. Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now
tell me this. What comes first, Day or Night? The boy was jolted into
2272. A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day
he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. Ive got a
really easy job today for the laziest one among you, he announced. Will
the laziest man please put his hand up. Nine hands went up. Why didnt
you put your hand up? he asked the tenth man. Feeling too much
lazy, came the reply.
2273. Manager: Do you know anything about this fax-machine?
Staff: A little. Whats wrong sir?
Manager: Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she
received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.
Staff: How did you load the sheet?
Manager: I didnt want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it
so only the recipient would open it and read it.
2274. A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet.
When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.
Id love an ice-cold beer right now, he told the genie. Poof! A beer
appeared. Next, the man said, I wish to be on an island, surrounded by
beautiful and willing women. Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous
women fawning all over him. Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought. I
wish I never had to work again. And poof! He was back at his desk
in the government office!
2275. A man went to several places to get one job in America. Once he
got an interview card from Microsoft Office. He attended the interview and
qualified for the post of the Office Boy. Then Microsoft Office people
told him Give us your email ID, we will send you Appointment Letter.
The man told I have no email ID. Microsoft Office people told How funny,
now-a-days is there any man without email ID? Sorry we can not give
appointment to a back dated man.
2276. A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East
assignment. A friend asked, Why werent you successful with the Arabs?
The salesman explained, When I got posted in the Middle East, I was
very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually
unknown there. But, I had a problem I didnt know to speak Arabic. So, I
planned to convey the message through 3 posters First poster, a man
crawling through the hot desert sand totally exhausted and panting.
Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally
refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place That
should have worked, said the friend. Then these posters were pasted all
over the place. That should have worked, said the friend. The salesman
replied, Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didnt realize that
Arabs read from right to left
2277. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, I am
very rich. Marry me! Thats Direct Marketing.
Youre at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of
your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, Hes very rich.
Marry him. Thats Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you call and say, Hi, Im very rich. Marry me.
ThatsTelemarketing.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, Im rich.
Marry me She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. Thats Customer
Feedback.
2278. Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir
Officer: Your Fathers Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass
Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Just select any three-digit number; then use the corresponding Buzzwords
from the above grid, e.g., 257: integrated modular capability.
Dont worry if it doesnt make sense to you; it wont mean anything to
anyone else either, but theyll think youre just smarter than they are so
they wont say anything!!!
You can propose systemized reciprocal options (929) to
achieve optimal transitional flexibility (568), so that we can think of
an integrated monitored projection, and then your boss will probably
promote you or your customer will be blown away with
your technological superiority!
2282. A person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food,
forgot laughter were called SAINTS But now they are called. IT
professionals/ Logistics Professionals
2283. A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, You shouldve
been here at 8:30! The guy replies, Why? What happened at 8:30?
2284. A very successful partner in a big firm had a peculiar habit. He
would go to his desk everyday, open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the
drawer again, and start his work. This continued for many days. His
subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer,
they waited for the opportunity. Then, one day when the partner had gone
out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break. They broke into the
drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of
paper inside it said Left is debit and right is credit.
2285. A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an
infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time.
Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot
cake. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to
claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: 1
dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that
2286. One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So,
he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to
become a fireman. The fire chief says, Well, you look like a good guy.
Id be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test. The
fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department
which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then
says, OK, youre walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here
is on fire. What do you do? The mathematician replies, Well, I hook
up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire.
The chief says, Thats great perfect. Now I have to ask you just
one more question. What do you do if youre walking down the alley
and you see the dumpster is not on fire? The mathematician puzzles
over the question for a while and he finally says, I light the dumpster on
fire. The chief yells, What? Thats horrible! Why would you light the
dumpster on fire? The mathematician replies, Well, that way I reduce
the problem to one Ive already solved.
2287. What these words on yearly performance reviews really mean:
OUTGOING PERSONALITY Always going out of the office
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Spends lots of time on phone
ACTIVE SOCIALLY Drinks a lot
INDEPENDENT WORKER Nobody knows what he/she does
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY Too ugly to get a date
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS Gets someone else to do it
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES Is tall or has a louder voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT Lucky
over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.
Thats not including the late payment charges on your housingloan, Sir.
Customer : I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator : You cant Sir. Based on the records, youve reached your daily
limit on machine withdrawal today
Customer : Never mind just send the pizzas, Ill have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can t wait you can always
come and collect it on your motorcycle
Customer : What!
Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a
Scooter,registration number 1123
Operator : Is there anything else Sir?
Customer : Nothing.! .. by the way arent you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records youre also
diabetic.
Customer : #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator : Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
you
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman?
Customer : Faints..
2290. A man goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the
clerk, What is that shiny object? The clerk replies, That is a
thermos flask. The man then asks, What does it do? The clerk
responds, It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold. The
man says, Ill take it! The next day, he walks into work with his new
thermos. His boss sees him and asks, What is that shiny object with
you? He said, Its a thermos flask. The boss then says, What does
it do? He replies, It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. The
boss said, Wow, what do you have in it? The man
replies, Two cupsofcoffee and a coke.
2291. Hotel Management gave advertisement for a good cook to recruit.
One cook has sent one application as follows: Dear Sir, I am a good
cooker. If you appoint me, I am sure I will be able to cook you. When I
was working earlier in a hotel I cooked them all.
2292. Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak
to me. Who is this?
Caller: Im Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
whats this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was
involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being
sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isnt an urgent matter! You may find this
hilarious but I dont have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: Im Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Operator: Thats what I said. Im Saw Ree
Caller: Oh God!!
2293. Customer : How much is that banana for?
Salesperson : $1.00
Customer : Can you sell it to me for 60 cents?
Salesperson : At that rate, youll only get the banana peel!
Customer : Okay Ill buy the banana for 40 cents, but you can
keep the peel!
2294. How come youre late? asks the Manager as Bill walks in the
door.
It was awful, Bill explains. I was walking down Mall road and there
was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the road. Hed
been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured,
and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course
and all my training came back to me in a minute. What did you
do? asks the Manager. Bill says, I sat down and put my head between
how could cars come in, they had put up their garage on the second
floor.
2298. Daniel joined a big MNC as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the
pantry and shouted into the phone, Get me a coffee quickly! The voice
from the other side responded,You fool youve dialed the wrong
extension! Do you know who youre talking to, dumbo? No, replied
the trainee.
Its the Managing Director of the company, you fool! Daniel shouted
back, And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool? No, replied
the Managing Director. Good!, he replied and put down the phone!
2299. The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport
(Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This
is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank
you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto". Well the Capt.
forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the
conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper,
wotcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to
this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the
hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new
stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna
wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her
all night". Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new
stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to
try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips
over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes. The old lady leans over
and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!"
2300. Boss asks secretary "Do you know what the difference is between
a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?" "No", says the secretary. "Great, Let's do
lunch." the boss says.
2301. A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday
morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by
the next Monday. "Downsizing." He's really upset. Everyone in his
department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2
days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday
afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to
himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them." He spends the next few days
scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity.
Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon
and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone
has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave.
She comes over to say goodbye.
"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
okay?" He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time
here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off." And she looks at him
and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest you jack off.
2302. A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan. "What
kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager. "I have
some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it
taste like a peach." "I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied. So
the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel
filled with money. The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess
that idea for black powder really paid off." "Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I
made my money with this white powder." "Really," replied the bank
manager. "What does it do?" "Give me a peach and I'll show you."
2303. The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and
polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving
the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks
door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened
to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some
fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss
Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also
see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty,
replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two
duffel bags!"
2304. A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a young
naked woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the
boss asked. "I'm a snail." The man replied. "What a load of crap!" his boss
spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young naked
woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's
Michelle."
2305. A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my
daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a
Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's
wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The
boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a
wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The
boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion
on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head
when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh
and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his
wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the
hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some
nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some
nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb,
and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
2306. The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager
kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?" The
manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
2307. A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the
same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do
two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer
asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer
incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in
the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two
equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent,
but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the economist and
poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist
gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the
interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
2308. Funny Instruction Labels:
These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in
chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was
really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the
Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of
sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"
2312. A large construction company sent a party in charge of finding
workers all over the world in the very rural areas. They sucessfully
obtained a dozen men and decided to fly them back to the construction
site immidately. The men were very excited and could only speak of doin
the job. Suddenly the pilot flying the plane encountered some difficulties
and very safely landed the plane in the desert. Unknowingly to the men
they thought they reached on the site, so they opened the door and all
they could see was sand all around. Then one of the men shouted out in
fear, "Let`s get the f**k out of here before the cement comes."
2313. Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person
asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were
you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a
year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well,
what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical
and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary,
and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The
young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The
interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
2314. Big
what ever
inspecting
10:15, just
2315. Frank was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what
to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he
wrote: YES
2316. Angry Boss: Have you ever seen an owl?
Employee: (looking down) No Sir...
Boss: Don't look down. Look at me.
2317. Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't have any more work.
Derek: That's all right, sir. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You
see, I won't ask you to give me work anyway!!
2318. A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor.
A guy came running. He shouted: "Alex, your daughter Sweety is badly
injured in accident". Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped from
his office window in panic to go as-early-as-possible. While coming down
when he was near tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named
Sweety. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not
married. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not
Alex.
2319. Resolving to surprise her husband, an executives wife stopped by
his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without
hesitating, he dictated, and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or
no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one
chair.
2320. For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot.
He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on
one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnsons arrival, it caused a
sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and
muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson
showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his
glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said,
aware that all eyes were upon him, I tripped and rolled down two flights
of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself. And the boss said, And
to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?
2321. A passenger complained to the railway official, What is the use of
keeping the time table when the train never arrives as per scheduled
time? The railway official replied, Without time table, how can you know
that such and such train is late?!
2322. Why did you leave your last job? asked the employer. Illness, sir.
What was the trouble? They said they were sick of me, sir!
puppies they are, and the man responds, Theyre Republican puppies.
The president looks puzzled and says, Yesterday, you told me they were
Democrat puppies. The man smiles and says, Yesterday, they were.
But today, they have their eyes open!
2333. A politician was sitting with his Ministers examining mail. Suddenly
he cried out, Look at this letter! It is addressed to the stupidest man in
the city.
His ministers tried to calm him by saying, How dare a man address
such a letter to you? He replied sadly, This does not bother me, but
why did the postman deliver it at the right address?
2334. Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor,
Condolezza Rice
George: Condi! Nice to see you. Whats happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: Thats what I want to know.
Condi: Thats what Im telling you.
George: Thats what Im asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellows name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi: Im telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, Im asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: Thats the mans name.
George: Thats whos name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to
leave, she approaches him for an interview. "Rebecca Smith, CNN News.
Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For
about 50 years." "What do you pray for?" "For peace between the Jews
and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up
in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
2338. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat
the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any
surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing
to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
2339. One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans.
2340. One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a
private jet going to France. Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this
hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!" Then Dick
Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people
happy!" Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off
this jet I'll make a hundred people happy." Then the pilot said, " Man, if I
throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
2341. I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars,
jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
2350. A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being
savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head
with a stick and saves the girl's life. The girl's mother rushes over to him:
"Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will
have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl" "But
I'm not a New Yorker," the man says. "Oh, then it will say in all the
newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the
mother. "But I'm not an American," the man says. "What are you then?"
asks the mother. "I'm an Iranian," the man says. The next day he sees the
newspaper headlines: Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
2351. Three life insurance salesmen of different countries were having a
chat.
Pakistani: When a man died, we processed the claim and delivered the
check within 24 hours.
Indian: When a man died, we delivered a check the same evening.
American: Thats nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the WTC
building. A man was working on the 50th floor. He slipped and fell. We
handed him his check as he passed our floor!
2352. American Girl: When my grandfather died he left 10 million dollars.
Indian Girl: When my grandfather died he left 20 million dollars.
Pakistani Girl: Thats nothing, When my grandfather died he left the whole
world.
2353. Obama joined army and was given a gun.
Obama asked his Officer: Sir, to what side should I point its nozzle,
towards myself or to the opposite side.
Officer: Stupid, keep it anyway, in both the cases it will benefit the nation.
2354. A minister decides to pose for a picture along with a herd of
buffaloes with his elbows resting on the back of the cattle. Next day the
photo appears in a newspaper with caption: "The minister, third from left".
2355. One morning when Sir Winston Churchill was sitting in his bath tub,
his servant heard his voice above the splashing. He opened the door and
asked, Were you speaking to me sir? No, I was addressing the House
of Commons, replied Churchill annoyed at the interruption.
2368. Have you ever wondered why Tarzan never has a beard?
2369. Why do they always use sterilized needles when giving lethal
injections?
2370. Why do Kamikaze pilots bother wearing helmets?
2371. Which smart alec decided it was a good idea to put the letters in
lisp?
2372. Why is it that the bubbles are always white regardless of what
color bubble bath you use?
2373. If you refused to pay an exorcist, would you be repossessed?
2374. Why is it that garage washrooms are always locked. Are they
scared that someone will clean them?
2375. If a police officer arrested a mime artist, would they have the right
to remain silent?
2376. How is it that Superman could stop a bullet with his chest but
couldnt dress himself properly?
2377. Is Dijon vu the same old mustard?
2378. When two egotists meet, is it an I for an I?
2379. Is the definition of a will a dead giveaway?
2380. Do backward poets write inverse?
2381. Did you hear about the 4 foot fortune teller that escaped from
prison? She was a small medium at large.
2382. Is Acupuncture a jab well done?
2383. If a Buddhist refused Novocain during root canal treatment is it a
to the bank?
Answer: A stream!
2411. Question: What has to be broken before it can be used?
Answer: An egg!
2412. My girlfriend is not very clever. Only the other day, she climbed a
glass wall to see what was on the other side!
2413.When a man opens a car door for his wife, it is either because the
car is new. Or the wife is!
2414. Married men should always forget their mistakes. Why? Well, there
is no need for two people to remember the same thing!
2415. Why was the computer really tired when it got home? Because it
had a hard drive!
2416. Question: What would you get if you were to cross a dog with a
telephone?
Answer: A Golden Receiver!
2417. Question: What did the dog say when it sat on some sandpaper?
Answer: Thats Rough!
2418. Question: How did the farmer count his herd of cows?
Answer: With a Cowculator!
2419. Question: What is a cow's favourite musical note?
Answer: Beef-flat!
2420. Question: What is a cats favourite breakfast cereal?
Answer: Mice Krispies!
2421. Question: Why did the chicken only cross the road halfway?
Answer: She wanted to lay it on the line!
2422. Question: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Answer: Watching the mother-in-law reverse off a cliff driving your brand
new car!
2460. Question: What is a cow with no legs called?
Answer: Ground Beef!
2461. Question: Why does a divorce cost so much?
Answer: Because it is worth it!
2462. Question: What route do crazy people take to go through the
woods?
Answer: They follow the psycho path!
2463. Question: How would a spoilt little rich girl change a light bulb?
Answer: She would ask Daddy to buy her a new apartment!
2464. Question: What do people in prison use to communicate with one
another?
Answer: Cell phones!
2465. Question: What would happen if you were to cross two snowmen
with three vampires?
Answer: You would get severe frostbite!
2466. Question: What is big, fuzzy and green with four legs and six
pockets and if it were to fall from a tree it would probably kill you?
Answer: A snooker table!
2467. Question: What lettuce was served in the salad bar on the
Titanic?
Answer: Iceberg!
2468. Question: What shakes and twitches and can be found at the sea
bottom?
Answer: A nervous wreck!
2469. Question: Why is it there so many people with the surname Jones
in the telephone book?
2491. Question: What would you have if you had four peaches and three
pears in one hand with four pears and three peaches in the other?
Answer: Incredibly large hands!
2492. Question: How would you lift a giraffe with one hand?
Answer: Doesn't matter as you won't find any one handed giraffe!?
2493. Question: If a green stone was thrown into the sea what does it
become?
Answer: Wet!
2494. Question: What falls regularly although never gets hurt?
Answer : Rain!
2495. What was the reason for the confused looking woman staring at
the can of frozen Apple juice for twenty minutes? Because it said
Concentrate on the side of the can !
2496. Question: What is another name for female Viagra?
Answer: A Diamond!
2497. Question: What did the cowboy say went he went into the car
showroom in Germany?
Answer: Audi!
2498. Question: What is the quickest way to speed up your 70 year old
husbands heart rate?
Answer: Tell him that you are pregnant!
2499. Question: What is the best way to avoid wrinkles as you age?
Answer: Remove your spectacles!
2500. If you are meant to learn by your mistakes, why is it that so many
couples have more than one child!
2501. Have you ever noticed that people who can't drive always slam car
doors really hard!
2502. One of the perks of ageing is that, whatever you buy new, it is
unlikely that it will wear out!
2503. The person who can smile in a crisis is someone who has just
remembered that there is someone else to blame!
2504. Many countries have gun controls. But none seem to have idiot
controls!?
2505. If knowledge as some say is power and if power corrupts, does
that mean if you study really hard that you will be evil!?
2506. Why do buses seem to travel at twice the speed when wanting to
catch one than when you are actually riding one!?
2507. I read a strange verse in a card the other day. It read, It is so
miserable here without you, it is as though you are still with me!
2508. Don't you find it funny that nowadays you can phone for a pizza
quicker than to the police!
2509. A wise man once said, War will never determine which side was
right - only which side was left!
2510. If you steal ideas from only one person, it will be deemed to be
plagiarism. If you steal from many people, it is deemed to be research!
2511. Enjoying a clear conscience will usually be the cause of having a
really bad
memory!
2512. You need to have the ability to laugh at your own problems because
everyone else will!
2513. Sound advice from a father: Don't ever fight with an ugly child
because what have they got to lose!?
2514. Two fish are in a tank. One said to the other, I'll drive, you man the
guns!
2515. I got a compliment about my driving yesterday as when I returned
to my car, someone had left a message on the windscreen that said,
Parking fine!
2516. A strange thing happened at a concert in Bermuda that we went to
see when on holiday. The guy playing the triangle just disappeared!
2517. Love involves having a cuddle on the sofa whereas marriage
involves one of you sleeping on the sofa!
2518. You know it is a hot day when you see farmers giving crushed ice to
the chickens to prevent them from producing hard boiled eggs!
2519. My brother went to the local store the other day to buy a pair of
camouflage trousers. Guess what? He couldnt find a pair!
2520. I was wondering why the cricket ball was getting bigger. It was then
that it hit me!
2521. Yesterday I went to our local paper shop. Guess what? It had
blown away!
2522. How come it only cost 8 million dollars for the Titanic to be built but
250 million dollars for a movie to have been made about it!
2523. A Hamburger goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic. Sorry
said the barman We don't serve food!
2524. Dogs favorite school subject is Dog-Ruff-ee!
2525. How would you name a fish which doesnt have an eye? FSH!
2526. How do you stop a fish from smelling? Just cut its nose off!
2527. Do you know what cows usually do for entertainment? They rent
moo-oo-oo-vies!
2528. How is a sheep which has no legs called? A Cloud!
2529. What will the ghost say to a bee to scare it? BOO-BEE!
2530. Why was the fish expelled from school? Because he was caught
with seaweed!
2531. What do you call a man who has no arms and legs in a pool? Bob!
2532. What do you call a man who doesnt have any arms and legs sitting
on your front porch? Matt!
2533. If you want a single day job per week, just become a garbage
collector!
2534. One of the easiest ways to drive costly cars is to become a driver!
2535. Seals are the only animals that have legal documents!
2536. The best weapon to break anything is an unbreakable thing!
2537. Bathroom is the place where everyone sings at least one line!
2538. If you dig a hole for treasure, always dig alone!
2539. My headache is back but body is apart!
2540. My daughter was under a famous doctor but didnt pass the medical
test exam!
2541. What did the guy use to invite his gay partner home? Homophone!
2542. What is the difference between Doctors and Lawyers?
Because of mistakes Lawyers make, someone might end up hanging 6
feet above!
Because of the mistakes Doctors make, someone might end up buried 6
feet below!
2543.An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A Garlic a day.... keeps
everyone away!
2544. Do you know I cleaned the loft with my wife last weekend? I still
can't get the dust out of her hair!
2545. Remember, if a man steals your wife, the best revenge that you can
have is to let him keep her!
2546. Question: Why is it that after they get married, a husband and wife
are like two sides of a coin?
Answer: Because although they cannot bear to face one another, they
remain together!
2547. My wife and I had words the other night. Well, I had words; She
had paragraphs!
2548. Question: What is the best way to ensure that you remember your
wife's birthday?
Answer: Forget it once!
2549. Question. What do you do if a Bernard Manning throws a grenade
at you?
Answer. Take out the pin and throw it back!
2550. Your house is so small, when I put the key in the door, I stabbed
everyone inside!
2551. Why don't you do us all a favor; pull your lip over your head, and
swallow!
2552. What do you call a man with no testicles? A woman!
What do you call a woman with two testicles!?
2553. Yours truly, mamma is so fat that when she weighed herself on the
scales, it came up with her telephone number!
2554. If I gave a shit you'd be the first person that I'd give it to!
2555. Were you born with a sorry note from Durex or something?!
2556. Question: What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist!
2557. Question: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
Answer: The jewelry!
2558. Question: How can you tell when your lead singer is at your door?
Answer: He can't find the key, and he doesn't know when to come in!
2559. The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the
harpsichord is like "Two skeletons making love on a tin roof"!
2560. How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone? Take your
hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. Take your hand out of the
bell and miss all of the notes!
2561. Why don't they make mutes for clarinets? It would be a waste of
time--it would take a lot more than a mute to make a clarinet sound good!
California Trumpet, clarinet, piano, sax, and flute!
2562. What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a
dead country singer in the road? The country singer might've been on his
way to a recording session!
2563. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The
bonds mature.
2564. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
2565. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all
went, it would be Hell.
2566. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To
stop the snoring before it starts.
2567. How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two. If you slice
them very thinly.
2568. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
2569. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer instead of one.
2570. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power
failure.
2571. What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a
football game.
2572. Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any
advice.
2573. Why don't men name there privates after women. Because they
don't want a woman running their life.
2574. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do
what she's told.
2575. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
2576. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably
never be able to support you.
2577. Do you know any reliable rule to estimate the cost of living? Yes.
Take your income whatever that may be and add twenty percent!
2578. What do you call a deep burnt food item in your lunch that is not
recognizable? UFO - Unidentified Fried Object!
2579. Why shouldnt you hold a DVD upside down? Because the data
might fall down!
2580. Good Resolutions are Like Beautiful Girls: They are easy to make
but hard to keep!
2581. Before going to sleep you can say goodnight. But before waking up
can you say Good morning!?
2582. You know the happy marriage is over when the husband calls home
and says that he will be coming home late for dinner and the answering
machine tells that the dinner is in the microwave oven!
2583. My wife and I were happy for twenty two years. Then we got
married to each other!
2584. What is marriage? Marriage isnt just a word. Its a sentence... its a
Life Sentence!
2585. Marriage is made up of three rings. The first one is called as the
'Engagement Ring', the second one is called as the 'Wedding Ring' and
the third one is called as the 'Suffering'!
2586. Good friends are the ones who stand behind you during your bad
times. To find them, just look at your marriage photo album!
2587. What is the difference between Love and Marriage?
Love is a sweet dream while Marriage is the alarm clock.
Love is BLIND but Marriage is the Eye Opener!
2588. Visitor Comment in an Art Gallery: It was raining outside. Thats
why I was here. Thanks for the shelter!
2589. Are people who jump off bridges in Paris in seine!?
it...?
7. If money doesn't grow on tree, then why banks have Branches...?
8. Why Does a Round Pizza Come in a Square Box...?
2614. Question: How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships?
Answer: With their eyes shut!
2615. Question: What kind of food do maths teachers eat?
Answer: Square meals!
2616. Question: Where did all the cuts and blood come from?
Answer: The school went on a trip!
2617. Question: What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a
teacher?
Answer: Lots of blood tests!
2618. Question: Do you know the time?
Answer: No, we haven't met yet!
2619. Question: Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
Answer: He wanted a higher education!
2620. Question: How did the telephones get married?
Answer: In a double ring ceremony!
2621. Question: What button won't you find in a tailor's shop?
Answer: A Belly button!
2622. Question: Were you long in the hospital?
Answer: No, I was the same size that I am now!
2623. Question: When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind
him of an empty classroom?
Answer: Because there are no pupils to see!
2624. Question: Why did the silly kid stand on his head?
Answer: His feet were tired!
2647. Your daddy is so stupid he took a ruler to bed to see how long he
slept!
2648. You are so poor when I walked into your house and lit a match
everyone including the roaches started singing, Clap you hands, stomp
you feet, praise the lord because we got some heat!"
2649. In a limo there was: Britney, Shaggy, Craig David.
Someone farted. Shaggy sang: It wasn't me.
Craig David sang: "I m walking away."
Britney sang: "Oops, I did it again!"
Next day in the limo, there was a worse fart!
Shaggy sang: It wasn't me.
Craig David sang: I m walking away.
Britney sang: "Stronger than yesterday!"
2650. Your nose is so big that only date you could get was with an ant
eater!
2651. Question: Why do black people always die in the war first?
Answer: Because when they are told to get down they dance!
2652. Question: How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Answer: Your dog humps your leg with it's eyes closed!
2653. What do Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?
There both black people with white faces!
2654. What driver doesn't have a license? A screwdriver.
2655. Why do statues and paintings of George Washington always show
him standing? Because he would never lie.
2656. What has a neck, but no head? A Bottle.
2657. What has one foot on each side and one in the middle? A Yardstick.
2658. What did the guitar say to the rock star? Quit Picking on me.
2659. What do you call a cat that likes to dig in the beach? Sandy Claws.
2660. What kind of can never need a can opener? A Pelican.
2661. Here on earth it is true, yesterday is always before today; but there
is a place where yesterday always follows today. Where? In a dictionary.
2662. How do you avoid falling hair? Step out of the way.
2663. Why did the doctor switch jobs? He lost his patients!
2664. What has 10 legs and drools? Quintuplets.
2665. Where do old bowling balls end up? In the gutter.
2666. What did one scale say to the other scale? You have a way about
you!
2667. Did you ever see the salad dressing? No, but I saw the bacon strip!
2668. What did the mayonnaise say to the mustard? Close the door, I am
dressing!
2669. Why did the clock get sick? It was run down.
2670. Why did the tree see the dentist? To get a root canal.
2671. How do prevent a summer cold? Catch it in the winter.
2672. What do mechanics charge to fix tires? A flat rate.
2673. Why did you get rid of your watchdog? He could not tell time.
2674. Why did Johnny toss a glass of water out the window? He wanted
to see a water fall.
2675. What paper makes you itch? Scratch paper.
2676. What never gets any wetter no matter how hard it rains? The
Ocean.
2677. What person is always in a hurry? One who is Russian.
2678. What did one wall say to the other? Meet you at the corner.
2679. Who always goes to bed with shoes on? A horse.
2680. What is the first thing you do every morning? Wake up.
2681. If a child is spanked by his mother and by his father, who hurts the
most? Probably the child.
2682. What do people make that nobody can ever see? Noise.
2683. What kind of table has no legs? Multiplication table.
2684. What did the dog say to the little child pulling his tail? That is the
end of me!
2685. What happens to the duck who flies upside down? He quacks up!
2686. What horse never goes out in the day time? A night mare.
2687. Where do animals go when they lose their tails? To a retail store.
2688. Why don't pigs drive cars? They would become roads hogs.
2689. What is the smartest kind of bee? A spelling bee.
2690. What is a mosquito's favorite sport? Skin diving.
2691. How do you fix a broken gorilla? With a monkey wrench.
2692. What is the best year for a kangaroo? Leap year.
2693. Why did the police arrest the bird? Because he was a robin.
2694. Who designed Noah's ark? An ark-itect.
2695. Why was the pig thrown out of the football game? For playing dirty.
2696. What kind of food does a race horse eat? Fast food.
2697. What is a snake's favorite ice cream? Hiss-tachio.
2698. How do you know when the fish is fresh? When they bite your
fingers.
2699. What happened when the centipede broke all his feet? He did not
have a leg to stand on.
2700. What bird never goes to a barber? A bald eagle.
2701. What kind of birds are most frequently found in captivity? Jailbirds.
2702. What do hens study in college? Egg ocomics.
2703. What is black and yellow and goes zzub,zzub? A bee.
2704. What is the snappiest snake? A garter snake.
2705. What is a foreign ant? Import ant.
2706. Why are spiders like tops? Because they spin
2707. Why are mosquitoes so annoying? Because they get under our skin.
2708. What kind of leopard has red spots? One who has the measles.
2709. What fish is the brightest? Sunfish.
2710. What animal talks the most? The yak.
2711. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns do not work.
2712. Why do squirrels spend so much time in trees? To get away from all
the nuts on the ground.
2713. What has ears but can't hear? CORN
2714. What has fingers but can't type? GLOVES
2715. What has arms but can't hug? CHAIR
2716. What has a head and a foot but no body? BED
2717. When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway
2718. What has a mouth but never smiles? RIVER
2719. What has a face but no head? CLOCK
2720. What has leaves but isn't a tree? BOOK
2721. What has eyes but can't see? POTATOES
2722. What has legs but can't walk? TABLE
2723. Can giraffes have babies? No, they only have giraffes!
2724. How do rabbits travel? By hareplane!
2725. What clothing does a house wear? Address
2726. What shoes should you wear when your basement is flooded?
Pumps!
2727. What kind of ties can't you wear? Railroad ties
2728. What did the sock say to the foot? You are putting me on!
2729. Why are potatoes good detectives? Because they keep their eyes
peeled.
2730. Why was the belt arrested? For holding up the pants!
2731. What kind of eyeglasses do spies wear? Spy-focals.
2732. What do you call a funny book about eggs? A yolk book.
2733. What do you get when you saw a comedian in two? A half wit.
2734. When is it dangerous to play cards? When the joker is wild!
2735. What does the Invisible Man drink at snacktime? Evaporated milk.
2736. What kind of soda must you not drink? Baking soda.
2737. What part of your body has the most rhythm? Your eardrums.
2738. How does Mother Earth fish? With North and South Poles!
2739. Where is the ocean the deepest? On the bottom.
2740. Where is the best place to see a man-eating fish? In a seafood
restaurant.
2741. What do whales like to chew? Blubber gum.
2742. What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time no sea.
2743. What did one potato chip say to the other? Shall we go for a dip?
2744. What did the chocolate bar say to the lollipop? Hello, sucker!
2745. How does a king open a door? With a monarch-y.
2746. What do you need to spot an iceberg 20 miles away? Good
eyesight!
2747. Why did the prisoner take a shower before breaking out of jail? He
wanted to make a clean getaway!
2748. What did the outlaw get when he stole a calendar? 12 months!
2749. How did the hangman keep up with current events? He read the
noose paper!
2750. Which way did the outlaw go when he stole the computer? He went
data way!
2751. Why couldn't the sailors play cards? Because the captain was
standing on the deck.
2752. Why wasn't the outlaw allowed to be buried in the town cemetery?
Because he wasn't dead!
2753. What happened to the crook who fell into the cement mixer? He
became a hardened criminal!
2754. What is the best thing to do if a bull charges you? Pay him!
2755. What kind of horse eats and drinks with its tail? They all do. No
horse takes off its tail to eat or drink!
2756. In which month do monkeys play baseball? Ape-ril
2757. What has 2 gloves and 4 legs? Two baseball players!
2758. When is an umpire like an operator? When he makes a call!
2759. How can you pitch a winning baseball game without ever throwing a
ball? Throw only strikes!
2760. Which weighs more a pound of lead or a pound of feathers? They
both weigh the same....a pound!
2761. What kind of ant can break a picnic table with one blow? A gi-ant!
2762. What do dogs drink at picnics? Pepsi-cola!
2763. Where do race cars go swimming? In a car pool!
2764. Can a boy scout make a fire with one stick? Yes, if it's a match!
2765. A hiker went without sleep for 7 days and wasn't tired. How? He
slept at night!
2766. What kind of egg travels to unknown places? An eggs-plorer
2767. Why can't you play basketball with pigs? Because they hog the
ball?
2768. How do hikers dress on cold mornings? Quickly!
2769. Which football player wears the biggest helmet? The one with the
biggest head!
2770. What runs but never gets out of breath? Water!
2771. What do you see in the dark? The dark!
2772. What time is it when you go to bed? Bedtime!
2773. What word do you always say right? Right!
2774. When do elephants have 8 feet? When there are 2 of them.
2775. What has 4 legs and only 1 foot? A bed.
2776. What is alive and has only 1 foot? A leg.
2777. What has 100 legs but cannot walk? 50 pairs of pants.
2778. What has 4 legs and flies? 2 pairs of pants.
2779. What coin doubles in value when half is deducted? A half dollar.
2780. Why should you never mention the number 288 in front of anyone?
Because it is too gross 2 times 144 which is a gross.
2781. Where can you buy a ruler that is 3 feet long? At a yard sale.
2782. How many times can you subtract 6 from 30? Only one after that it
is no longer 30.
2783. What number can you subtract half from to obtain a result that is
zero? The number 8 made up of 2 zeros one on top of the other
2784. How can half of 12 be 7? When the 12 is a Roman numeral
XII.Cut off the top half and you get VII.
2785. It happens once in a minute, twice in a week, and once in a year?
What is it? The letter e.
2786. What goes up and never comes down? Your age.
2787. When things go wrong, what can you always count on? Your
fingers.
2788. Why are diapers like 100 dollar bills? Because you have to change
them.
2789. Which is correct: 9 and 5 is 13 OR 9 and 5 are 13? Neither, nine
and five are fourteen.
2790. What is a kitten after it is 7 months old? Eight months old.
2791. What is the difference between a stupid person's ears? Nothing.
2792. How do you get pies to work for the government? You add the letter
S and get spies.
taken.
2823. Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen? O2.zip
2824. The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children
are the FBI ...
2825. How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the
other anti-viruses
2826. What's the difference between a computer salesman and a usedcar salesman? The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
2827. My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk
after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!
2828. What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity!
2829. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
2830. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45
minutes.
2831. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a
sharp knife.
2832. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
2833. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2834. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
2835. How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life? When a
nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
2836. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have
eyes.
2837. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
2838. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat
cause kids.
2839. Why does sour cream have an expiry date?
2840. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2841. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
2842. What hair color do they put on the drivers license of bald men?
2843. Why do scientist call it "re"search when they are looking for
something new?
2844. Why do banks charge a "Non Sufficient Funds Fee" on money they
already know you don't have?
2845. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?
2846. If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come
from?
2847. If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while your ahead"?!
2848. If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their
doors?
2849. Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?
2850. Why are they called apartments if they are joined together?
2851. An archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As older she
grows, the more interested he is in her.
2852. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
2853. If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during
the day?
2854. I love being married. Its so great to find that special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
2855. Anyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never
been in bed with a mosquito.
2856. I wear my wife???s glasses because she wants me to see things
her way.
2857. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs
louder.
2858. A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be in the cell
next to you saying,"Damn, that was fun!"
2859. Make love not war. Unless you want to do both. If so - get married.
2860. Yesterday I thought about you all day. I was at the Zoo.
2861. Marriage means that someone helps you coping with all the
problems you never had when you were a bachelor.
2862. I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married, but
then it was too late..
2863. If you look like your photo in your passport - you surely need a
vacation.
2879. TEN COMMANDMENTS - The most important Top Ten list not given
by David Letterman.
2880. USHERS - The only people in the parish who don't know the seating
capacity of a pew.
2881. When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle. Then I realized that
God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and prayed for
forgiveness.
2882. Down South Bumper Stickers:
=> The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
=> I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
=> Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
=> I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
=> WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
=> You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
=> BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
=> I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
=> So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
=> I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
=> Keep honking, I'm reloading.
=> As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
=> I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
=> Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
=> Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
2883. Arkansas.. 3 million people, 15 last names.
2884. Q.What's te best pick up line in any state below the Mason-Dixon
line?
A.Get in the truck!
2885. Q: What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!
2886. Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A. Kick his sister in the jaw.
down.
2908. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go
to mine.
2909. Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.
2910. Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
2911. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.
2912. Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
2913. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
2914. Cynic's Approach To Love:
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually
set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
2915. Q. What did God say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.
2916. Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
2917. Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in
common?
A. They are all married.
2918. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
2919. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.
2920. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
2921. What did the red light say to the green light? Don't look I'm
changing!
2922. Damn! every year this birthday cake seems to be getting smaller.
Or the alcohol is getting bigger!
2923. I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the
end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in
the car.
2924. What did the bee say to the flower? Hi, honey.
2925. When is a door sweet and tasty?? When its jammed!!!
2926. Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the
fans have left.
2927. Question: Which is the oldest animal in the world?
Answer: The Zebra. It is the only animal that is still black and white.
2928. Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts!
2929. Q: In which room we cannot live?
A: Mushroom.
2930. What's the opposite of Dominoes? Domi doesnt know.
2931. Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out? Yes, over there - the
same way that you came in!
2962. Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
2963. Swine Flu is the only thing left in Mexico that still does its job.
2964. How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris?
Don't know...its never been done.
2965. Religion is a lot more like politics. The only difference is that with
religion you get to confess your own sins.
2966. If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them
out of food.
2967. I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say
'you'll be next !' They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them
at funerals !
2968. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the
boss does.
2969. What are Real Madrid fans going to do after they win the "Copa del
Rey"?
R : Shut down the play-station
2970. Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? Because he kept getting nailed
to the boards.
2971. Q:HOW DO SPORT PLAYERS STAY COOL IN A GAME?
A:THEY STAY IN FRONT OF SOME FANS!
2972. Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for
an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything
'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps' !
2973. Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a
Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with
an extra large dildo stuck up his arse. They have removed the Chelsea
undertaker.
2985. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build
targets.
2986. Q: We have only Postmen, but no Post women, why?
A: Because, they take 9 months for delivery.
2987. Q: Why did sexy woman cricketer slap commentator?
A: Because he said: She is ready for next delivery.
2988. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is
every night?
A. A widow.
2989. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.
2990. What is height of Secrecy? Offering blank visiting cards.
2991. What is height of Forgetfulness? Seeing the mirror and trying to
recollect when you saw him / her last.
2992. What is height of Suicide? A dwarf jumping from the footpath on
the road.
2993. PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
2994. Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? It kept saying "Bach, Bach,
Bach..."
2995. I have got a drinking problem.... I've got two hands, but only one
mouth...
2996. What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish
funeral? One less drunk.
RELATIONSHIP JOKES:
2997. Boss asked Gary to buy 2 corner tickets for a movie to watch with
his girlfriend. Tim bought 2 corner tickets (ie) A1..............A15!
2998. A British woman had 8 sons all named Jason. Her neighbor asked
how she managed to call one in particular! She replied, I call them along
with their Father's names!
2999. Girl: What is the difference between personal and secret?
Boy: Dear! You are my lover. That is personal and your sister is also my
lover.
That is secret.
3000. A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous
blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an
absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier
sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur
goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir."
says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to
pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave.
On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare
you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking
account!" "I just had to come by" grinned the guy, "to thank you for the
most wonderful weekend of my life!"
3001. My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. Ive been so desolate ever
since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Wont you please
consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other
woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need
you so much. Wont you forgive me and let us make a new beginning?
I love you so.
Yours always and truly, John. P.S. Congratulations on you winning the
state lottery.
3002. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up
early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes. Well,
one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs
out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out
of his garage rain is pouring down, torrential downpour. There is snow
mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He returns to
the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
weather channel. He finds its going to be bad weather all day long, so he
puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into
bed. There he cuddles up to his wifes back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispers, The weather out there is terrible. To which
she sleepily replies,Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing
in that crap?
3003. A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another
woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of
the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a
vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then
picked up a hacksaw. Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please!
You aren't going to cut it off, are you?" Placing the saw in her husband's
hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied, "Of course
not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!"
3004. "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the
friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her
where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister,
Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
3005. A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his
morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece
of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she
said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey,"
the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That
was the name of the dog I bet on."' The next morning, his wife snuck up on
him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. "Your
dog called last night."
3006. A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having
an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby
agreed to be a witness. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and
cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled
the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The
husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't do it!
This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette
I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin
cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you
believe I budget for?. . . He does!" The husband, looked over at the cab
driver and asked, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him
with that blanket before he catches a cold."
3007. One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught
his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun
and shot his friend to death. His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this,
you're going to lose ALL your friends."
3008. Conversation over dinner:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
3014. I was talking to my friend Joe the other day and he said, Do you
know, I've loved the same woman now for over 35 years? Thats lovely
I replied. But if the wife found out, she would kill me!
3015. First Dude: I did a mistake of sending lots of love letters to my
girlfriend.
Second Dude: Why?
First Dude: She ran away with the postman!
3016. Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, please stay there!
3017. Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account!
3018. A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all
the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets
around asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday,
Wednesday and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out
Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman, "That's the only night I'm home
with my husband!"
3019. A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best
friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, My God
Pete! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU!?
3020. One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get
rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of
intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she
said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener,
the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
3021. After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with
God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how
blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so
good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but
why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you!
3022. I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments
on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me
where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went
home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair!
3023. Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her
maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with
his secretary." "I don't believe it for one minute" Marie snapped, Youre
just saying that to make me jealous!"
3024. Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running
over. He says, "Mommy, Mommy! I was playing in daddy's closet and he
came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they
took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed." The mother
interrupts him, "Stop right there! Wait 'till daddy comes home!" When the
father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says,
"I'm leaving you." The father, bewildered, slowly asks, "Why? What did I
do?" The mother turns to Johnny and says, "Tell daddy exactly what you
told me today!" "I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the
lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other's
clothes off and laid down on the bed...just like what you and Uncle Joe did
last summer!"
3025. A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she
requested that he shave his beard. "Oh, James, I like your beard, but I
would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife
loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!" "Oh,
please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. "Really, I can't" he
replied, "My wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend asked once more and he
sighed and finally gave in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife
while she was sleeping. Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and
replied, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home
soon!"
3026. A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he
sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and
her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He
reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I
am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, "Let me
buy you dessert to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dessert
together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by
drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come
to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning,
she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!
Everything has been incredible! "You know" he said, "you are the perfect
woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No" she replies, "you
just happened to catch my eye!"
3027. There was a lil' green man who went to his lil' green house. He went
to his lil' green shower and turned the lil' green tap on. He heard the lil'
green doorbell ring, so he turned off the lil' green tap, put on a lil' green
towel and opened the lil' green door! There was his lil' green girlfriend. The
lil' green man opened his lil' green arms out wide to give her a lil' green
hug! He wanted to give her a "surprise." His lil' green towel went off and
the lil' green girlfriend ran across the lil' green street screaming, got hit by
a lil' green car and died. The rule is: never run across the road when the
green man is flashing.
3028. John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the
other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On
the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good
sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
3029. Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year
later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the
court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every
once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because
she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up
making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference
between the two women." the judge said. "You`d better believe there is a
difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.
3030. The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving,
but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took
him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop
asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. "Shertainly!"
said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya."
Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You
shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me." The police
officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second
floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my
bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that
woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to
her? "Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to
seriously doubt the man's story. "Well, thash me!"
3031. After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled
out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it,
he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in
the top drawer" she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table
and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of
another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he
inquired nervously. "No, silly" she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your
boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all" she said, nibbling away at his
ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl
replied, "That's me before the operation!"
3032. After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband
about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me" she asked for the thousandth time,
"how many women have you slept with?" "Baby" he protested, "if I told
you, you'd throw a fit". Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and
convinced her hubby to tell her. "Okay" he said, "One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.!"
3033. A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding
where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty
feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because
his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But the next morning, the
bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the
banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little
shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened
to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride
groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He
told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his
money!!"
3034. A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On
the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to
sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our
guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last
ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a
remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion,
he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely
breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.
He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he
manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and
grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the
woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are
living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees,
and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she
notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she
asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there
something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cindy,
there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will
help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my
pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better,"
she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache
on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and
does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off
in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
3035. Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear!
Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy
followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you
liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will
cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested.
She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't,
that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday
came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100,
they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by
this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give
me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and
borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his
way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
3036. A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he
told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass
and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes
and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he
entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair
with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep
and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes
and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
3037. While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women
sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice,
and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm
celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with
him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to
have a child" she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm
pregnant!" "Congratulations" the man said, lifting his glass, "As it happens,
I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today
they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a
coincidence!" she said, smiling.
3038. A young man to a young woman at a ball, Whenever I dance with
you, the music lasts only a short time. The young women replied, No
wonder,The band leader is my fiance.
3039. On a romantic date shanes girl friend asks him: Darling ! On
our engagement will you give me a ring? He said: Sure ! Whats
your phone number?
3040. The girl asked to the boy, Are you sure you love me and no one
else? The boy replied, Dead sure, I have checked the whole list again
yesterday.
3041. A girl proposed a boy but the boy does not respond to her. After
many days suddenly the boy called the girl and asks to meet him as he
like her very much. The girl became confused and asked the boy, What
Happened ? After so many days you accepted my proposal. The boy
replied, Today your father came to our bank and opened a new
account, so I did not delay!
3042. It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young
woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted
him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to
do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy
was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his
calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat
each week, came into the shop and said, Ill be 16 tomorrow. I know,
said the butcher with a smile, Ive been counting too, tell your mother,
when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat shell
get, and watch the expression on her face. When the boy arrived home
he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, Son, go back to the
butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free
groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!
3043. Hero loves heroine , but heroine loves the villain. But villain
loves heros sister,and heros sister loves heroines brother.
Here, heroines brother loves villains sister. But villains sister loves
heros brother. Again!, heros brother is also interested in heroine ,
and you already know that heroine loves villain. Finally two people
commit suicide. Whore they? .. Producer and the Director!!
3044. There was a girl and a boy who were dating for the first time. The
girl said, Will you forget me after a day? The boy said no. The girl said,
Will you forget me after a week? The boy said no. The girl said, Will
you for get me after a month or a year? the boy said no. The next day
the girl Knocked on the boys door he said who is it and the girl said I
thought you would not forget me!
3045. Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : Its very kind of you, darling, But I dont have any worries or
troubles.
Girl : Well that is because we arent married yet.
3046. Paul called his friend Jake and told him that he recently met the
woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? Jake, Send her some
flowers and on the card invite her for a home-cooked meal. Paul liked the
idea, so he invited the woman. The day after the meal Jake calls Paul and
asks about the meal. Paul, It was a flop idea. Jake, Didnt the girl come
to your house? Paul, She did, but she refused to cook!
3047. One fine day, a girl proposed to a guy for marriage and he denied
simply saying that, in our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom
married my dad, my grandpa married my grandma, my uncle married my
aunt and so on. So please excuse me!
3048. My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice,
"Theres something i must confess." "Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to
confess. Everythings alright." "No i must die in peace. I had s*x with your
brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I
whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!!"
3049. After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another
minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a
friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if
something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered
his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My
grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't,
mine would have had to!"
3050. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar
following an interfaith meeting. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were
having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Catholic, poohpoohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons,
one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You
fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf
course."
3051. A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and
said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his
face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest,
firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and
began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should
go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and
my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working
overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the
one shaving you."
3052. In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he
"comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple
of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop
and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to
the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here
and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear
for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!" So the tailor took the
material and promised to call the young lad when the order was
completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the
shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five
yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it
in case you want anything else made of it." So the lad rushed home with
his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his
excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new
purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his
underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt
and said, "Well, what'd ye think?" "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she
exclaimed. "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he
stated as he lifted his kilt to show here. "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his
girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still not realizing that he didn't have his
underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got
five more yards of it at home!"
3053. A boy takes a girl out on a first date. He drives them to a remote
and romantic spot outside the city, puts his arms around her and says:
"what do you know, wer'e out of gas". The girl then opens a purse and
puts out a bottle. "Cool, is this wine?" the boy asks. "No", she answers,
"It's gasoline".
3054. Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are
getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The
friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure." About two
holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a
living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all
laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I
carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like." So Jack decides
to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a
huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can
come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman
wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next
morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee,
ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services
before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy
yourself some boots that fit."
3058. In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was
leaving for a crusade and called of his squires: "I'm leaving for the
crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I
haven't returned, you may use the key." The knight sets out on the dusty
road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He
sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank
goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY."
3059. One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout
point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young man fidgeting in
the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back
seat and reading a magazine. "Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old
are the two of you?" "I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another
time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"
3060. A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a
hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He
agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy
says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you
$25 for me to drive you back into town.''
3061. A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his
house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my
wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing
leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps,
"We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies,
"I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns
to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I
always knew she didn't trust me!"
one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a
high powered rifle. "Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" "Look,"
said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to
leave, I will. No hard feelings." "No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as
to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag." The other man
pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business.
It's what I do for a living." "Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys
like you, but I've never met one before." "Still want me to play?" said the
other. "Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a
little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?" The other man showed him
the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope
mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said,
"Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact,
there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't
have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's
a guy with her." The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other
man. "How much do you charge?" "$10,000 a bullet," said the man. The
Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it." "Which one?" said the
hit man. "Both," said the exec. "That's $20,000, you know." "I don't care,
hit 'em both." The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the
rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked. "Blow his nuts
off" said the exec. "How about the woman?" "In the mouth. She's always
flapping her gums anyway." "Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle.
Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and
chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten
thousand dollars."
3065. Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for
a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in
the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero
grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you
doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot!
When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start
kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me
lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks
the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white
meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude
and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,
"Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of
Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on
fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river,
Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in
the hell do you think you're doing??!" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and
says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
3066. A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a
small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient
Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you
put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one
condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon
you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man,
thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the
house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the
young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the
meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to
bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked
into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.
Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in
the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he
saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture
1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's
the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He
picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder
out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture
2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope
that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken
bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the
boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground
that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
3067. Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life
very lonely. Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a
date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with. Andy picked
her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic. Andy had
also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to
Rosemary. Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally
suceeded in making love to her. Rosemary was mortified at her lack of
self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter,
knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!" "What do you mean,
twice?" Andy asked. "We only did it once." "Well, you're going to do it
again, aren't you?" Rosemary asked.
3068. He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have
you ever been mistaken for a man? She said...No, have you?
3069. A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she
took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he
blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said,
"Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded.
"I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality." "Really, " he said, "what myths are those?" "Well," she
explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most
well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most
likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are
the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have,
however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the
Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable
and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with
you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto
Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba..
3070. A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh,
it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said
about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around
two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said
to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three
days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
3071. Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her
husband, Glen, in bed with another woman. "That's it!" she shouted, "I'm
leaving and I'm not coming back!" "Wait honey," Glen pleaded, "Can't you
at least let me explain?" "Fine, let's hear your story," Donna replied. "Well,
I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of
the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing," explained
Glen. "I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get
cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a
shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore,
the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of
shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey
you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me." "Then," Glen continued,
"I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down
the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your
wife doesn't use anymore?'"
3072. A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and
put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his
hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young
woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you
bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks
and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty,
would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed
a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've
had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man
hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No,"
3076. A woman asked her lover, "Would you keep f*ck me that much even
after marriage? He replied, "Sure dear, if your husband had no objection."
3077. HOW did an Intelligent BOY PROPOSE to a Girl. He TOOK the Girl
ALONG with him on a BOAT & in the MIDDLE of River said: "LOVE ME or
LEAVE the BOAT."
3078. There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there
was only one place left.The gate keeper asked the first man what
happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.the
first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair,
so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a
towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the
apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started
bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he
lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a
heart attack." That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second
man how he died and he said. "Well imagine this I was riding one of those
stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel
down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started
bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i
lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me."
That is to horrific. he asked the third man how he died and he said. "Well
imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator......."
3079. A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go
out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm
here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
No.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up
Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
No.
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name
is Chuck." The farmer shot Chuck.
3080. Ones the bus was full of people. A man looks at a lovely girl, she
looks at him, he smiled, she did so, he told her get off at the next station,
marry the poor girl that you love. You are right. I will marry the poor girl.
In that case, can you give me the widows address?
3091. Love and Romance:
6 weeks: I love U, I love U, I love U
6 months: Of course I love U
6 years: GOD, if I didnt love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, Im home
6 months: BACK!!
6 years: What did your mom cook for us today?
Gifts:
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months: I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living Room.
6 years: Heres the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months: Here, for you.
6 years: PHONE RINGING.
New Dress:
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months: You bought a new dress again?
6 years: How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks: How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?
6 months: Whats so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years: Travel? Whats so bad about staying home?
TV shows:
6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie.
6 years: Im going to watch ESPN, if youre not in the mood, go to Bed, I
can stay up by myself!
3092. One House Wife is scolding her maid servant as she is not getting
her costly undergarments and she is blaming her that she has stolen the
undergarments. Then the maid servant started to cry and went to the
husband of the house wife and told him : Sir, you know very well that I
never wear undergarments!!Dont you?
3093. Once a old man was traveling in a train, he was seeing a couple
for a long time. He saw that the girl was saying to boy that my hand is
paining and boy kissed her hand, then girl said, my fingers are paining
and boy kissed her fingers. Then she said that my cheek is paining and
boy kissed her cheek. The frustrated old man went up to the boy and
said,Boy, can you do something for my piles please?
3094. There were these two elderly people living in a Florida old age
home. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another
for a number of years. Now, one evening, there was a community
supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table,
across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring
glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, Will you
marry me? After some careful consideration, she answered, Yes, I
will. The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they
went to their respective rooms. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she
say yes or did she say no? He couldnt remember. Try as he would, he
just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. When he tried to see her,
he found that she had gone to visit her daughter. With trepidation, he went
to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that his memory
was not as good as it used to be. Then he reviewed the lovely evening
past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, When I
asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No? He
was delighted to hear her say, Why, I said, Yes, I will and I meant it with
all my heart. Then she continued, And I am so glad that you called,
because I couldnt remember who had asked me that night.
3095. Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear!
Girl: Would you die for me ?
Boy: No, mine is Undying Love!
3096. One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm.
He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil,
then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a
goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry
the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose
in your other hand?" Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While
walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She
told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515
Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going
to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and
go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there". The fair young
lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold
me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer
said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in
the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The
young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the
goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen
chickens!"
RELIGIOUS JOKES:
3097. A Brief Guide To Religious Philosophies:
Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.
Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
3098. Malcolm, unmarried with no money, no home and a blind mother
prayed to God daily over a period of several months. Finally, God
responds to Malcolm saying that God is happy with his prayers and that
God will grant him one and only one wish. Malcolm then wished, 'Dear
God, I wish that my mother will see my wife putting gold and diamond
bangles on my child's hands in our new house!'
3099. A clergyman was arguing with a successful businessman on the
need to attend church. At last, he put the question squarely, What is your
personal reason for not attending? The businessman smiled as he
replied, One finds so many hypocrites there. Dont let that keep you
away, said the clergyman, there is always room for one more!
3100. On one occasion, Coleridge, an English poet asked Charles Lamb,
Have you ever heard me preach? Lamb said, I have never heard you do
anything else!
3101. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters!
3102. Man: What is million years to you?
God: Only a second!
Man: What is billion Dollars to you?
God: Only a Coin!
Man: Then give me a Coin.
God: Wait a second!
3103. An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who
tells him, "Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that
this is the best golf course in the universe!" The man's eyes turn cloudy.
St. Peter says, "And the weather here is always good." A tear begins to
form in the man's eye. St. Peter says, "And there is never any lines of
people when you want to golf." A tear starts dropping from the man's
other eye. St. Peter hurriedly says, "And your drives go at least 50 yards
further up here." The man is now sniffling. St. Peter then says, "And you
will never have more than two puts on any of the greens." The man is now
sobbing uncontrollably. St. Peter asks, "Hey, what is the matter with you? I
thought you would be overjoyed. Why the tears?" The man answers, "If
my wife hadn't fed me all of that healthy food, I would have been here five
years earlier!".
3104. Man to God: Please give me a long life.
God: Get married son.
Man: How will it help God?
God: You wont think of long life again!
3105. An atheist man was hiking in the mountains, but suddenly a bear
appeared and attacked the man. Just before the bear was about to
Strike, The man called on the name of God. "Please Help me, if you listen
to me once, I will believe in you". All of a sudden a bright cloud appeared
before him and said, "Why should I help you? You persecuted my people,
and never believed that I existed". The man thought to himself maybe I will
just ask him to make the bear a Christian then I don't owe Him anything
and the bear will be good and spare my life. God said, "Your prayer has
been granted." Suddenly the bear raised his both arm and said, "Thank
you Lord for an awesome meal that you have given me!"
3106. Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged
between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a
way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer
game between heaven and earth. God, always fair, told the devil, 'The
heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't
you know all the "good" players go to heaven?" The devil smiling
responded, "Yeah, but we've got all the referees!
3107. One Day, the Devil challenged the Lord to a Judo tournament.
Smiling, the Lord proclaimed, You don't have a chance; I have Kano,
Mifune, Kotani, Kimura and all the greatest players up here. "Yes"
snickered the Devil, "but I have all the referees!"
3108. A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know
that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually
ever tasted it?" The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the
odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked,
"Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?" The
priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped
around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't
it?"
3109. A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of
their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die
some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do
a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." "Everybody
shook their heads in agreement with this comment." Then the leader said
to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life
remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" A
gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the
Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives." "Very
good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that
would be a very good thing to do. One lady spoke up and said
enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God,
my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group
members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. But one
gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my
mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks." Everyone was puzzled by this
answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-law's
home?" "Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!"
3110. The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing
it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he
just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a
golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first
tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else
was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord
while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to
let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I
guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards
the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A
420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the
Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and
replied, "Who's he going to tell?!"
3111. An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly
due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the
pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out
with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed
and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to
survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They
would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed
to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man
asked, "what are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play
for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch
with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old
man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied
with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol
tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part . .
. you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get
fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking
wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what
was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.
If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
3112. It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come
over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb
onto the roof of his house. As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in
a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. No, replied the man on the
roof. I have faith in the Lord, the Lord will save me. So the man in
the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared.
Climb in! shouted a man in the boat. No, replied the man on the roof. I
have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me. So the man in
the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save
him. The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the
loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the
roof. No, replied the man on the roof. I have faith in the Lord, the Lord
will save me. So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed
for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and
eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed
away, and alas, the poor man drowned. Upon arriving in heaven, the
man marched straight over to God. Heavenly Father, he said, I had
faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?
God gave him a puzzled look, and replied I sent you two boats and a
helicopter, what more did you expect than that?
3113. One day a bus was loaded with fathers from one church to another.
One of the father say, If you see any hot girl just say Jesus Christ.
After a while while, one of the father said Jesus Christ. GUESS
WHAT OTHER FATHERS SAID: Where Where is she?
3114. Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The
preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor
said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord! Jack replied, Im
already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor. Pastor questioned, How come I
dont see you except at Christmas and Easter? Jack whispered back,
Im in the secret service.
3115. An American decided to write a book about famous churches
around the world. So he bought a planeticket and took a trip to china. On
his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a
golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per
call. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct
line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The
American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in
japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden
telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same
kind of telephone he saw in china and he asked a nearby nun what its
purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you, said the American. He
then traveled to pakistan, srilanka, russia, Germany and France. In every
church he saw the same golden telephone with the same $10,000 per
call sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel
to up to India to see if Indians had the same phone. He arrived in India,
and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden
telephone, but this time the sign under it read One dollar per call. The
American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. Father,
Ive traveled all over World and Ive seen this same golden telephone in
many churches. Im told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the
price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here? The priest smiled
and answered, Youre in India now, son its a local call.
3116. One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God... Lord, I
have a problem! Whats the problem, Eve? Lord, I know youve created
me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but Im just not happy. Why
is that, Eve? came the reply from above. Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick
to death of apples. Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall
create a man for you. Whats a man, Lord? This man will be a
flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an
inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a
hard time. But, hell be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. Hell
also need your advice to think properly. Hell be really good at fighting
and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether
bad in the sack. Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised
eyebrow. Whats the catch, Lord? Yeah, well. you can have him on
one condition. Whats that, Lord? Youll have to let him believe that I
made him first.
3117. Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were
promptly stopped by a policeman who said, What do you think you are
doing? What if you have an accident? The priests say, Dont worry,
my son. God is with us. The policeman says, In that case, I have to
book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle.
3118. There was an Aussie, a Scotsman and an Aborigine driving along,
when they rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to
Heaven and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that theyd
been killed and needed a place to stay. St. Peter replied, Id love to
help you boys but were full up after the holiday season. Im afraid
youll have to go into Limbo till theres a vacancy. The Aussie slipped
St. Peter $50 and asked if thatd make any difference. St Peter said, For
that mate, you can go back to Earth. By the time the Aussie got
back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance.
They all got a real shock when he sat up. What happened? Youve
been dead for half and hour, asked the ambulance driver. He told them
about St. Peter and the $50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other
two didnt come back. Well, says the Aussie, The Scotsmans trying
to bargain him down to $20 and the Abo reckons the government
should pay for it!
3119. God created the mule, and told him, " You will be a mule, working
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will
eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule
answered, " To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no
more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "
You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his
greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25
years." And the dog responded, " Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that
is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then
created the monkey, and told him, " You are monkey. You shall swing from
tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20
years." And the monkey responded, " Lord, to live 20 years as the clown
of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it
was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, " You are Man, the only
rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20
years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused,
the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then
marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on
his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding
his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. Then, in his
old age, to live10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his
grandchildren. And it is so.
3120. Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to
one of the ugliest girls there. ''Why?'' he asks. St. Paul replies, ''When you
were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second
guy. He asks why. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird
with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I
didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in
heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' ''Because when she was nine
she killed a bird with a stone.''
3121. An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite
hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and
swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted
him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the
entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met
the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told
him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to
church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I decided against it."
Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your
mind?"
Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I
remembered where I left my old hat!"
3122. A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father,
I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?"
question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the
priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's
and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, says his
prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment
and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and
exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well
Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it
in!"
3123. A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father OMalley," he
says, "my name is Emil Cohen. Im seventy eight years old. Believe it or
not, Im currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her
19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire
life Ive never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you
have come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy
goes: "Are you kidding? Im telling everybody!"
3124. One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and
some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and replied,
"Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got
two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create
new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great
physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form
and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this
organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are
great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after
such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great
sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
3125. On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to
speak to the minister. Would it be right he asked, for a person to profit
from the mistakes of another? Absolutely not! replied the pastor,
disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question. In that case,
said the young man, I wonder if you would consider returning the hundred
dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.
3126. A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop!
Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head
and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The
man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross
the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one
more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was
instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing
him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your
guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And
where the hell were you when I got married?"
3127. Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.
Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and
then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the
Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and
commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley
Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." God said, "Well,
what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes
noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently
embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor
of woman?" God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God
went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read
it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
3128. A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first
time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the
aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to
sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
3129. A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit
his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious
that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had
knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the
back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was
counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his
message was the notation Genesis 3:10. Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I
stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the
door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with
me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden,
and I was afraid, because I was naked."
3130. A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying
"Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles." Thinking it is some sort
of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's
of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles." Still unsure, he drives on, until
and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has
everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at
random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in
oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger
on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines
really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." The successful friend
was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible,
flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and
his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
3134. At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a
rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on
Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one
sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said,
"I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the
Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days. The
next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed
potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued
for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am
fed up with this constant bickering!"
3135. A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter
was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter
to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter
to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an
Olympic size pool. 'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter
led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old
television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest,
went to church every day, and preached God's word.' 'Yes, that's true. But
during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone
prayed!'
3136. This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted,
while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy
is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several
times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that
you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell
you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your
life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was
this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang
assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on,
and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of
'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked
straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded
leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up
to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the
leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire
iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor,
innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged
animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter,
extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er..
about two minutes ago."
3137. A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on
seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive
suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk
a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he
walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then
stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the
sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American.
After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000
dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him
the next day. The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to
see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making
his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned
over to the American and spoke softly into his ear.. "I thought I told you
yesterday to get the f**k out of here."
3138. You know you are in a Texas church when, People grumble about
Noah letting coyotes on the ark. The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba
to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up. The restrooms are
outside. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." When it
all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony
with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on
the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had
a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his
boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and
says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony
and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
3141. A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.
After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final
assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word
"Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his
inspiration: "I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet
victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
3142. There was once a priest who wanted to loosen up and get some
entertainment. His brother a pimp showed him to a strip club, but the
priest yelled, "Are you out of your mind!?" The brother countered, "Got
any better ideas?" The priest nodded and took him to a boy scout camp
and said, "Litte boy I will give you 10 dollars to take off your clothes and
shake it!" The little boy accepted and started to dance. The priest
excitedly said, "NOW THIS IS ENTERTAIMENT!"
3143. A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to
say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders
bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod
and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and
ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They
nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his
two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say.
"You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
3144. An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being
away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long
time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the
confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest
replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
3145. The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with
one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your
followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives
whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!" Pelosi replied, "I
seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the
Pope slapped her.
3146. Moses an God were golfing one day as they get to the final hole,
etween the hole and God was a water trap. So God asks Moses to hand
him his iron. Moses says, "I really think you should use the putter." God
replies, "Just hand me the iron." God makes his first shot and it lands in
the water. He looks at moses and says, "Will you go retrieve my ball?" So
Moses walks down to the water parts the waters and retrieves his
ball. They continue the same pattern three more times until Moses finally
refuses to go retrieve the ball. When God goes down to the water to
retrieve it an older couple walk by and say, "We have been watching the
whole entire time who does he think he is God or something?" and Moses
replies, "No Tiger Woods."
3147. The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to
pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for
'An act of God', which, amongst others, lightning is classified as. The
priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the
church. One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give
money to Somebody who set His own house a light!"
3148. A Mormon Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place
and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the
Bishop. Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom,
grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and poured
the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk. The Bishop asked,
"Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop." The Bishop than
asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?" The little boy again said, "No
Bishop." The Mormon Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than
asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is
it?" The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told
me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."
3149. A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that,
he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining,
happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there
are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing. After
some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and
says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As
you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a
drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me." The guy still
doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected.
But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are
people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all
around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from
an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the
doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone. Shocked, he runs to the
devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity
and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!" The
devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that
way."
3150. A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and
decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there
she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister
Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister. She did
not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went
on. She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and
she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister
Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed." The nun
was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt
great so she decides to go and see mother superior. She asks mother
superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of
the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you
have brother Johns shoes on."
3151. Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I
going to hell, but I will never know why.
3152. Q: Why is it good to have a Jewish car?
A: It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!
3153. Jenna, Jessica and ariana die. They all go to heaven and GOD
says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud". The
first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy. Jessica and
Ariana ask, "what happen?".Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud". The
next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy.Jenna and
Ariana ask, "what happen?". Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink
cloud". The following day Araina goes out and comes back with a HOTT
guy, blue eyes, thin and tall. Jenna and jessica ask, "What happen?" The
guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
3154. Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee? They couldn't find three wise
men and a virgin....
3155. Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff's arrival
at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?"
Jeff asked. St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He
went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was
bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to
be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of
Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a
gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer. "I don't mean to
complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says
Jeff. "It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a
hole in it............. and the blonde doesn't."
stop drinking and cussing! Still nothing .. and the train was just
seconds away! He tried it one more time, God please, if you get my
foot out of the tracks, Ill quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having
sex with all the women I meet.
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the
way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward
Heaven and said, Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.
RESTAURANT AND BAR JOKES:
3159. Two men arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They
then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat. Seeing this,
the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you
cannot eat your own sandwiches in here! The two look at each other,
shrug and exchange their sandwiches!
3160. A man stood up in a crowded restaurant and said, I have lost my
purse. It has a $1000 in it. Whoever finds it and returns it to me, will
receive a $200 reward. Another customer said: Whoever finds it and
returns it over to me will receive a $400 reward!
3161. A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his trousers. The
Bartender says, "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The
man replies "I don't know, but its driving me nuts!"
3162. A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a Bud. He says "Give
me a beer before problems start!" The bartender doesn't understand but
gives the man a beer. After 15 minutes the man orders a beer again
saying "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks a
little bit confused but pours the man a beer. This goes on the whole night
and after the 15th beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the
man, "What do you mean with before problems start? And when are you
going to pay for all the beers you drunk?" The man answers "You see,
now the problems starts!"
3163. Two men were chatting in a bar. One says, Where are you
from? Second man replies, I come from somewhere where we do not
end a sentence with a preposition. Alright says the first man, Where
3165. A bloke walks into a pub with a frog on his head. The bar attendant
asks. "what's that on your head? The frog says. "I don't know, it started
out as a wart on my bum!"
3166. A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he
sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer"
and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the
ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again,
and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the
same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a
large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be
$7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of
his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his
curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come
up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the
man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first
wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my
pocket and the right amount of money will be there." "That's brilliant!" says
the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's
right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is
always there," says the man. "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You
are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
3168. A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his
wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and
asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed
twenty pounds at birth?" "Yup, shore am!" "How much does he weigh
now?" The proud father answered, "Ten pounds." The bartender said,
"Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds." The proud Texas
father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
3169. Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local
bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise
to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find
my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment,"
replied the second guy. "What do you mean her speech impediment?"
inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that
she can't say 'NO'!"
3170. Ben and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, I
think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I
came home and found wire cutters under our bed andthey werent mine.
His second friend says, I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasnt
mine. Ben says, I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. No Im serious. The
other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed and it wasnt
mine. A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar,
bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out
ofthe bar and stops the guy. 'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the
drunk. 'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies. 'So how does
feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager. 'Well,' replies the
drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'
3171. A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few
minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said "No
thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!" So the bartender
said, "Well would you like a cigarette," but the man said "No, I don't
smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!" The bartender asked him if he'd
like to play a game of pool, and again the man said "No I don't like pool, I
tried it once but I didn`t like it." "As a matter of fact I wouldn`t be here at
all, but I'm waiting on my son!" The bartender said, "Your only son I
presume!!"
3172. A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign
language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to
speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how
he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these
were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man
thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the
people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The
bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and
threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and
the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO
SINGING IN THE BAR!"
3173. A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender
looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up
with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this
and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so
on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in
disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking. "You'd drink
'em this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks,
"What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."
3174. A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold
one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders
another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and
orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a
half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none
of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in
pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?" "Well," slurred the man,
"There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good,
then it's time for me to go home."
3175. The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to
a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win
the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen,
etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the
bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky
voice " I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the
bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he
handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's
laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the
lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the
bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a
living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The scrawny little
man replied "I work for the IRS."
3180. A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The
bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother
is gay," replied the man. The next night, he walked into the bar again and
asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found
out my younger brother is gay," replied the man. The night after that, the
man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Geez,
does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The
man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
3181. A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting
at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to
her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed
you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the
top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"
3182. A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point
was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man
walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then
takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he
floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man
at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it. "Easy," says the
man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can
carry you back to the window." "Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta
try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible,
bloody, and flat death. "Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can
be a real a jerk when you're drunk."
3183. The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you
been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't,"
replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, in that case then, YOU
fire her!"
3184. Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The
bartender asks, Olive or twist?
3185. A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk. He makes
his way down the street knocking into everything in his path. A police
officer watches him from a cruiser across the street. The man comes up
to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and
proceeds to drive away. The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls
the man over a few blocks down the road. The man gives a breathalizer
for the officer and to the officer's amazement - the guy was stone cold
sober. "I can't believe it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the
way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol in your
system! How can that be???" "Oh that's easy", replies the man. "Tonight
I'm the designated decoy."
3186. Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and
were totally plastered. The first guy said, "Hey, I'll bet you a million dollars
that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right
here next to you!" Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely
impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, "YOU'RE ON!" So the first guy
jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back
to the same spot. "WOW," screamed the 2nd guy, "That was incredible.
Do it again!" So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the
building, and landed right next to his friend. "That is remarkable. Do it one
more time!" "Ok," said the first guy, "But if I do it again, when I come back
you have to do it." The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the
first jumped out, flew around, and came back. "Your turn," he said. So the
2nd guy stepped up to the window. "This is easy. He did it, so can I!" The
much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out
the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact.
Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another
beer. The bartender remarked, "You sure are mean when you're drunk,
Superman!"
3187. A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a
snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" "And you
ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
3188. There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys
were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how
women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo. After listening to the guys
gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"
The men all look surprised. The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a
cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my
tattoo?" The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around
the woman.. Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants
and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives
the men a wimpish smile. One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet
lady?" The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I
can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten
it."
3189. A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young
woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't
waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blonde goes over to
her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?"
3190. There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night.
In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting "44 days! 44 days!"
One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a
frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and
asked, "Why are you chanting 44 days?" She set down the puzzle on the
counter and said, "A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show
them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we
completed it in 44 days!"
3191. Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions. The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young,
Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist." The second guy says
"I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "
I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and
ask her, " What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash,
Iron, Fuck, Etc."
3192. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I
am, I married the wrong man."
3193. A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly
Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg
over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish
whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down
there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an
Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a
hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and
asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if
that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the
Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the
bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep,
set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep
nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus
got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and
danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised
his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward
the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch
me! I'm drawing disability!"
3194. This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender
looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya
from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th'
hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender
asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy
says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole
bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
3195. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
3196. Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends. The first
guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the
honey?...Honey." Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his
girlfriend, "Could you pass me the sugar?....Sugar." So now, the third guy
is under pressure. He has to come up with something good. After, a
minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the pork...pig."
3197. Two men sat at a restaurant counter for two hours, talking and
drinking coffee. Finally, the exasperated waitress handed each of them a
bill for $36. Are you kidding? said one, You mean this is just for having
coffee? No replied the waitress, Its a parking ticket!
3198. Two drunkards found a glass lying upside down on the table. One of
them said, Hey! This glass has no mouth. The other agreed, Yes, and it
is bottomless too!
3199. Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know
you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" He
pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this
thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
3200. Old Man John sits down at the bar and orders a drink. He's wearing
a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat, and a phony beard. The bartender sets
John's drink down and asks, "Going to a party, John?" "Yeah," John
answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look
like Abe Lincoln," argues the barkeep. "That's right... My last four scores
were seven years ago!"
3201. A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through
the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this new bar,"
he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge
golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!" The wife still
doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding
a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to
check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the
bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you
have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most
certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the
woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the
guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
3202. Waiter: Sir, my tips please.
Customer: Here you go, one cent.
Waiter: Sir, you are insulting me, please give me at least 2.
Customer: I cant insult you twice!
3203. Man 1: Drink the coffee soon while it hot.
Man 2: Why?
Man 1: Hot Coffee costs only 5 dollars while cold coffee costs 10
dollars!
3204. My wife and I went for a meal the other night and I surprised
everyone there by ordering in French. It was an Italian restaurant!
3205. My wife and I went for a meal the other night and I said to the
waiter, This chicken is stone cold. It should be he replied, It has been
dead for over a week!
3206. My wife and I went for a meal last week and I said to the waiter,
Did you know that this chicken has got one leg longer than the other?
The waiter replied, Do you want to eat it or dance with it!?
3207. I was in a restaurant last week and the waiter asked me for my
order. Can you tell me how you prepare the chickens? I asked. Nothing
fancy, Sir replied the waiter, We simply tell them they are going to die!
3208. A couple were dining in a fancy restaurant when the waitress spots
the man sliding under the table whilst the woman seeming totally
unconcerned. As he slid completely under the table, the waitress went
across and quietly whispered to the woman, Excuse me but your husband
has just slid under your table. Oh no! He hasn't said the woman, He
has just walked in!
3209. A man goes into a restaurant and asks, Do you serve crab? As
A big guy comes up to him, takes his drink and drinks it down in one. The
man starts to cry. The big guy tells him not to cry as he was only messing
about and offers to replace his drink. That's not the problem said the
man, What a day I have had. Started off, the alarm didn't go off, so I was
late for work and got sacked. Going back to my car, it wasn't there someone had nicked it. When I got home, I realized that I must have
dropped my wallet on the bus - all my money - gone. I then go upstairs
to find a note from my wife on the bed saying that she's left me. And, just
when I think about killing myself, you come along and drink my cyanide!
3219. My friend and I were in the pub and decided to have a friendly
game of darts. He said, The person nearest the bull starts. I replied,
Where are we going to get one of those at this time of night!?
3220. A man walks into a bar with tiger and they proceed to drink so much
that the tiger passes out and falls to the floor. As the man is leaving, the
barman shouts to him, Hey, you can't leave that lying there. The man
replies, I know Im drunk but even I can see that it is a tiger not a lion!
3221. Girl to his boyfriend: I want you to be with me on a cheerful night, in
a nice restaurant, candlelight dinner, superb menu, and say the 3
important words to you. PAY THE BILL!
3222. Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one
engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new
restaurant across the street," said one, "It's so clean! The kitchen is
spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's
so sanitary that the whole place shines." "Please" said the other roach
frowning, "Not while I'm eating!"
3223. A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant;
first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too
hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for
about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked
back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer
asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care" said the
waiter with a smile, "We don't even have an air conditioner!"
3224. This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on
a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No
thank you" she said politely, "This may sound rather odd in this day and
age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must
be rather difficult" the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much" she said,
"But, it has my husband pretty upset!"
3225. A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that
the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the
woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the
way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining
across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that
her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking
the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me
mam, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman
calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in
the door!"
3226. A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with
her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome young man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from
him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for
staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, for $100, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the
woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have
to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman
considered his proposition for a moment, took some money from his
purse, and gladly pressed it into the young man's hand. She looked deeply
into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house!"
3227. A guy walks into a bar. He has a huge wad in his pocket, 2 beautiful
blondes on either arm, and a little man on his shoulder. The bartender
thinks this is odd but figures it would be ok to serve him. The guy asks if
he can buy everyone in the house a drink. The bartender looks at him
kinda funny and says, "Sir, I'm gonna have to see some money before I
can pour that many drinks." So, the guy reaches into his pocke, pulls out a
huge wad of $100 bills, and lays 5 of them on the bar. The bartender
pours all the drinks and just as he has finished the last one, the little man
on the guy's shoulder runs down his arm, hops off his hand and knocks
every drink over then proceeds back up the man's arm. So, the man tells
the bartender he wants to order everyone in the house a drink. Same
exact thing happens again. For the third time, the man asks to buy the
house a round and the bartender looks at him and says, "Brother, do you
not realize what is happening here? I can't keep pouring these drinks.
Now, what is the deal?" The man sighs and says, "One day I was walking
along the beach when I ran into a bottle. A genie popped out and said he
could grant me 3 wishes. The first thing I wished for was a wad of $100
bills that never ended. The second thing I wished for was 2 gorgeous
blondes to have for the rest of my life." The bartender says, "Well what
was the third thing you wished for?" The man replied, "A 12 inch prick."
3228. An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs
and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink
she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well,
I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses,
mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he
asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy,
but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV,
everything seems to make me think of women," said the young woman. A
short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple
sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always
thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
3229. This couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at
the
bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at
the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman
continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted
him!" The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's
not worth so much celebrating!"
3230. A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind
if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. "I don't know," replied the
beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is." "OK," the guy
said. "How many men have you slept with?" "I'm not going to tell you that!"
the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" "Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't
realize you made a living out of it."
3231. A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a
gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over
and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to
her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle
and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She
looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note
read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants." Well, the
man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I
have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2
inches! Send the bottle back."
3232. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the
busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in
his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff
had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our
soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well" he explained, "the restaurant's
owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to
revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can
reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per
shift. As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather
impressed. I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same
string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before
he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why
you have that string right there?" "Oh certainly!" he answered, lowering his
voice, "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I
mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How
so?" "See" he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of your you know
what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way
eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent." After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well" he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about
the others, but I use the spoon!"
3233. A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs
over the bar, FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR
TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender
replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila,
the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second,
there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with
your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an
orgasm. You got to make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as
much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink
a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time
goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He
grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp
and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon
all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then
silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big
scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the
sore tooth?!"
3234. A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When
he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to
hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to
speak to him" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into
his hair. I'm afraid I can't breathes the barman - clearly aroused, "Is
there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that" she says, there is no toilet
paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet.
3235. One day, three friends went to this "Gentlemen's Club." One of the
friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The
"dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it
on her butt. Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls
the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the
attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a
minute... then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed
the 60 dollars, and headed for the door!
3236. One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a
drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender
gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got
into a fight" explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole
31 days." The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good
thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender. Yeah, except
today is the last night!
3237. A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer.
Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks
the bartender about the noise. The bartender tells him that they're playing
barroom football. So Larry decides to go and check it out. He walks in and
asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe tells him that in
order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of beer within 10
seconds and to go for the extra point, you got to pull down your pants and
fart. So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks
the beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra
point. All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his Weiner
up Larry's ass.
Larry jumps and says, "What the hell did you do that for?" The man
answers, "I was trying to block the extra point!"
3238. A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is
closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the
drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well"
said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." "Let me have it"
said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and
forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes" he finally said, "it does look like
plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get
it?" "From my nose!" the drunk replied.
3239. One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the
bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the
bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50
please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him
around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again
and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again
the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no
money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the
third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the
bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no! You
get violent when you drink!"
3240. A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he
owes $4. But I paid, don't you remember? says the customer. Okay
says the bartender, If you said you paid, you did. The man then goes
outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep
track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in,
orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The bar keep replies, If you
say you paid, I'll take your word for it. Soon the customer goes into the
street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man
hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the
bartender leans over sand says, You know, a funny thing happened in
here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed
that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in
the nose. Don't bother me with your troubles, the final patron responds.
Just give me my change and I'll be on my way!
3241. A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair
of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said
the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to
me" said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them!"
3242. A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink.
The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but decides against it. On the
next day, the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and
orders a drink. Again, the bartender wants to say something about the
carrot but doesn't. The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to
the bar and order a drink. As the bartender serves the man, he can't stand
it anymore. He says to the patron, "Hey, you know you've got a carrot in
your ear?" The patron says to the bartender, "I can't hear you! I've got a
carrot in my ear!"
3243. A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey,
drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the
bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of
whiskey?" The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always
used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've
continued to order the three shots in their honor." The bartender thought
that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time
he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his
daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender
asked him why he only ordered two when he had always been ordering
three. The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking!"
3244. A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you." "Why not?"
asks the brain. "You're already out of your head!"
3245. Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The
waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The
first vampire responds, "I would like some blood." The waitress turns to
the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds,
"I would like some blood." The waitress turns to the third vampire and
asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I would like some
plasma." The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order
correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?!"
3246. A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar
asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing" sniffed the drunk, "Just a
few hours ago, I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern
Comfort."
"That is awful" said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her
back right?" "Right!" said the drunk, still crying. "You're sorry you sold her
because you realized, too late, that you still loved her, right?" "Oh, No"
said the drunk, I want her back because I'm thirsty again!
3247. A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and
orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of
tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps
over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down
at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've
got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of
tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cycle
path!"
3248. Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a
beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, Jeez, I'd
really like to dance with that girl. The other man replies, Well go ahead
and ask her, don't be a chicken shit. So the man approaches the lovely
woman and says, Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with
me? Seeing the man is totally drunk, the woman says, I'm sorry. Right
now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance. So the
man humbly returns to his friend. So what did she say? asks the
friend. The drunk responded, She said she's constipated on macaroni,
and would rather shit in her pants!
3249. A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of
beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not?" asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later!" replies the bartender.
3250. A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on
the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for?
The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the
man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again. So the guy a
second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and
hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy
$3000 for the frog. The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the
bartender. The bartender, after his shift, goes home. He's sitting in his
kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her. His wife
walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the
table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and
hops back on the kitchen table. The wife asks, "Why the hell are you
showing me this?" The bartender says, "Because you're going to teach
him how to cook and then you're going to get the fuck out of here!"
3251. Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and
went into the john while the other remained at the bar talking to the
bartender. All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the john.
The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner
screaming, so he went into the john to investigate. He went inside and
asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that every time he
flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls. His friend
shook his head and said, You dumbest, you're sitting on the mop bucket.
3252. A rather confident man walks into a bar and grabs a stool next to a
gorgeous woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, Is your date
running late? No he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and
am testing it. The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it? It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to
me he explains. What's it telling you now? she asks. Well, it says
you're not wearing any panties. The woman giggles and replies, Well, it
must be broken then because I am wearing panties! The man gasps and
taps his watch, Damn thing must be an hour fast!
3253. Chris : Look Bill, what type of glasses they have made. The top is
closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?
Bill : Yes, thats funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will
the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?
3254. A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As
he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished
dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him
for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter
explains that the meatballs are bulls testicles, and when the bull loses the
bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is
made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner,
but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the
restaurant, but he can have it tomorrow. The diner agrees. The next day
the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his
food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He
mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, Well sir you have to
understand, sometimes the bull wins, but sometimes.
3255. Two guys chatting in a bar:
First guy: Tell me three fastest ways of communication? But hey, the first
three letters gotta be Tel.
Second guy: Well, lemme see, Telephone, Televisionummm
The second guy starts to think about other possibilites.
First guy: Okay, Ill tell you, the fastest means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone 2. Tele-Vision 3.Tell something to a Woman and if you still
want it to be way FASTER Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
3256. A guy at bar in New York. Man on his right says Johny Walker
single. Man on his left says Peter Scotch single. The guy says
Paul Smith Married
3257. A guy walks into a bar and theres a horse serving drinks. The
horse asks, What are you staring at? Havent you ever seen a horse
tending bar before? The guy says, Its not that. I just never thought the
parrot would sell the place.
3258. Santam walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old
scotch. The bartender thinks This guy doesnt know the difference, so
he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. Sam takes one sip and spits it out.
He promptly hollers at the bartender, I said 12-year old scotch, you
bozo! Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
Sam takes a sipsame reaction. But the bartender still doesnt believe
the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old
scotch. Again, same reaction from Sam. Finally, the bartender is
convinced. He pours a glass of 12-year-old scotch. Sam takes a sip and
is most satisfied. All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end
of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the
patron and drunkenly says, Hey mishter, tashte this! Sam obligeshe
promptly spits it out. It tastes like piss, Sam shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: It ish. Now tell me how old am I ?
3259. A neutron walks into a bar. Id like a beer he says. The
bartender promptly serves up a beer. How much will that be? asks the
neutron. For you? replies the bartender, No charge
3260. Santa is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the
table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, I will
give you three wishes. Santa thinks awhile. Finally he says, I want a
beer that never is empty. With that, the genie makes a poof sound and
on the bar is a bottle of beer. Santa starts drinking it and right before it is
gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. Santa
says, I want two more of these.
3261. A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. Whats the
problem? My mother died in August, he said, and left me $25,000.
Gee, thats tough, he replied. Then in September, the friend continued,
My father died, leaving me $90,000. Wow. Two parents gone in two
months. No wonder youre depressed. And last month my aunt died, and
left me $15,000. Three close family members lost in three months? How
sad. Then this month, continued, the friend, absolutely nothing!
3262. A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of
beer. Sorry I cant serve you, States the barman. Why not? asks the
number twelve with anger showing in its voice. Youre under 18, replies
the barman.
3263. A furniture dealer decided to Expand the line of furniture in his
store, so he decided to go to abroad to see what he could find. After
arriving some other country he met with some manufacturers and selected
a line that he thought would sell well Back home. To celebrate the new
acquisition, he decided to visit a small bar and have a beer. As he sat
enjoying his beer, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,
and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat. Before long,
a very beautiful young woman came to his table, asked him something
which he did not understand and motioned toward the Chair. He invited
her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not
knew English so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with
her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a beer glass and showed it to
her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of beer for her. After sitting
together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a
picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bar and
found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic
music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and
drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to
dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was Packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of
a four-poster bed.To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he
was in the Furniture business.
3264. I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I
desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I
timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started
to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring
at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
3265. A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three
hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the
other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." The bartender said,
"There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred
dollars." The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He
starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender,
not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and
laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars." The man
then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and
shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits
down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. The
bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The man
said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand
dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be
laughing when I was done."
3266. A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his
balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do
that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
3267. A man goes to a bar that has a party the other day, ee asks The
boss.
Man: Can someone here give me a bl*wjob?
Boss: Yeah.Here take this balloons and blow them.
3268. Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other
one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as
everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells,
"I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you are
drunk."
3269. A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time
the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,
"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who
is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually
orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house.
I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for
you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter
walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A
few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says,
"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll
warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull
out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll
break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks
his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets
up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"
3270. A young guy at a bar notices two girls deep in conversation. He
walks over and asks, You girls want a drink? Youre wasting your time
says one of the ladies. Were lesbians. Whats a lesbian? he asks. We
like to have sex with girls she replies. Hey there! the guy calls to the
bartender, Three drinks over here for us lesbians, please.
3271. A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night.
Ive got a special game for you. Ill do absolutely anything you want for
$300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey,
why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three
hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint my house."
3272. Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of
Vodka." The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with
that." The man says "Just pour them." The man takes the first shot and
the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!"
and drinks the next 2 shots. The bartender says "Come on and tell me
about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to
tell their troubles." The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok,
today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another
on the house." The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing
will!"
3273. A drunk in a bar barfs all over himself. "Giddman", he says. "I puked
on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me". "No problem",
says the bartender, as he sticks ten dollars in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell
her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning
bill.". So the drunk goes home and tells his wife the story. She reaches
into his pocket and finds out not one but two tens. "Why is there so much
money?" she asks. "Oh , yeah, he crapped in my pants, too"
3274. A man calls room service at his hotel. "I want a breakfast of two
eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak
coffee,watery orange juice and cold, hard, unbuttered toast", asks the
man. "Why the hell would you want a terrible breakfast like that?", asks
the room service guy. "I'm homesick", replies the man.
3275. An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub. Each
orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The
Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for
another one .The Scott took the fly out , shrugged, and drank his beer .
The Irisman pinched the fly
between his fingers and yelled " SPIT IT OUT! "SPIT IT OUT!"
3276. A man in a pub asks for a beer. The barman says, "Sure, that'll be
one dollar." "One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says,
"Could I have steak and chips?" "Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be
two dollars."
"Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns
this place?" The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"." The man says,
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The barman says, "The same
thing I'm doing to his business."
3277. A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year
everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the
drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been
so late in my life!"
3278. A pair of glasses walks into to a pub. He asked the bar man for a
drink and the bar man replies, I am not serving you ,your off your head.
3279. A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey we have a
drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink
named Larry?"
3280. A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w
job. The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar. The
bartender then asked, "What did he say to you? The black guy responded
I don't know all I heard is something about a job!
3281. This guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool and places a
bottle of prescribe medication on the bar, the man sitting next to him says,
"What is that?" The guy says, "These are smart pills," you take one and it
makes you smarter. The half drunk man says, "Your joking aren't you? and
the guy says, "No I am not." So the drunk says to the bar tender, "Give a
large glass of beer." The drunk opens the bottle and takes a pill and
washes it down. A few minutes later the drunk says, "I don't feel smarter."
and the guy says, "Well some people require more than one pill." So the
drunk takes another pill and washes it down and few minutes later he
says, "I still don't feel any smarter. So the drunk says, "Hey,let me see
those pills," the drunk takes a pill and smells it and says," it smells like shit
and he tastes it and says, "It tastes like shit." The guy says, "See! your
getting smartes allready."
3282. Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad and
Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "Well, I knew that my
grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he
actually died in the Auschwitz concentration camp." Patrick says, "That's
terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick replies, "No, he fell out
of the machine gun tower."
3283. At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking
what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an
hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What
time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies
the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When joo
shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if
you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I
don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
3284. A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a
robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to him, "This is a
stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared the man pleads,
"Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and
empty the cash register!" HE says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a
wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then
puts the gun to the the man's head and says, Alright, now give me a
bl*wjob!" "Anything!" cries the man, "Just don't shoot!" The man starts to
blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. Man sees
the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold
the gun, damn it! Somebody might walk in!"
3285. A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time
at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and hugged her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and
explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly
like her. Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good
drunk! she screamed.
Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her.
3286. Customer: Waiter, whats the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
3315. The teacher handed back to the class the answer papers she had
corrected. Does anyone want to ask a question? she asked. Yes,
Madam, replied one boy, I cannot read what you have written at the
bottom of my paper. The teacher glanced at the paper and said: I have
written, you must write more clearly!
3316. I am supposed to tell you that there will be a small parent-teacher
meeting tomorrow, said the boy to his father. Well, if it is going to be
small, do I have to attend? asked the father. Oh yes! It is just you, me,
the teacher and the principal! replied the son.
3317. Teacher: What is the first month?
Student: January
Teacher: What is the second month?
Student: February
Teacher: What is the tenth month?
Student: Delivery!
3318. Girl: Mom, today the teacher beat me for something I didnt do.
Mother: Thats very bad of your teacher. What was that you didnt do?
Girl: The homework!
3319. Teacher: How many letters are there totally in A.B.C.D?
Student: 4
Teacher: I meant the complete set, not just A.B.C.D
Student: 52
Teacher: What?! How?
Student: Lower case 26 and Upper case 26!
3320. Teacher to kid: Whats your mother's name?
Kid: Mom!
3321. Teacher: Which month has 28 days?
Student: All months!
3322. The teacher asked my girlfriend the other day, Amy, what do you
call the outside of a tree? No idea she replied. The teacher shouted,
Bark, Amy, Bark. My girlfriend said, Bow Wow Wow Mam!
your child says goes on at school, I will promise you that I won't believe all
that your child says goes on at home!
3332. Teacher: Robert, give me a sentence starting with I.
Robert: I is...
Teacher: No, Robert. Always say, I am
Robert: All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet!
3333. Teacher: Bill, go to the map and find North America.
Bill: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct! Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Bill!
3334. Teacher: Paul, how do you spell crocodile?
Paul: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Paul: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
3335. Teacher: Which is your native place?
Kevin: Albuquerque Mam.
Teacher: Can you spell it?
Kevin: Actually my native place is Chicago!
3336. Invigilator: If you have any doubt, ask me.
Student: Sir, in question paper, question is there but in answer paper, no
answer is there!
3337. Teacher: Suppose, I give you 2 dogs. Then, I again give you 2
dogs. How many will you have?
Student: 5
Teacher: How?
Student: I have a dog in my house now!
3338. Teacher: Suppose, you have 2$. You asked your mother for one
more. How many would you have then?
Student: 2$
Teacher: How?
Student: Because my mother wont give me any!
3339. Teacher: If your father and mother both give you 50$, what you will
get?
Student: A new video game!
3340. Teacher: Tell me a way to prevent a disease which is caused by
insect bite.
Student: Dont get bitten by them!
3341. Teacher: Suppose, you have a box which contains a 10 foot
snake...
Student: But Sir, snakes dont have feet!
3342. Student: I dont think I deserve Zero in this answer paper.
Teacher: Agreed. You deserve - 1!
3343.Teacher: You are late today Mike.
Mike: Sir, I obeyed a sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Mike: COLLEGE AHEAD, DRIVE SLOW!
3344. Teacher: You promised me to submit me a paragraph, right?
Student: Yes Sir.
Teacher: And I also promised that if you fail to submit it, I will punish you,
right?
Student: Yes Sir, so it will be fair if you break your promise too!
3345. Teacher: I think you are chewing gum.
John: No Sir, I am John Smith!
3346. The teacher said to Smith after he answered correctly, Smith, tell
me an important incident which never happened before within ten
years. Smith said, I answered correct today!
3347. Teacher: Suppose, you are offered money and knowledge. You
have to take one of them. Which one would you choose?
Student: Money.
Teacher: I would have taken knowledge. But why do you take money?
Student: I have the lack of money thats why. You have the lack of
knowledge. Thats why!
3348. Teacher: Sir, why doctors wear a mask when they do an
operation?
Student: For safety. If the patient dies, others cant find out who did the
operation!
3349. A new student came to the class. After asking his name the teacher
asked, What does your father do? Student replies, Whatever Mom
says!
3350. Teacher: Suppose, you have 4 coins in your pocket and there is a
hole in the pocket. All the four coins fall down from that hole. What will you
have in your pocket?
Student: A hole!
3351. Math teacher: Tell me Jenny, if a milkman mixes 2 liters water and
1 liter milk, he will get 3 liters. What will happen if he mixes 6 liters of
water and 3 liters milk?
Jenny: I am not a milkman, how can I solve it!?
3352. Teacher is explaining to the student, If you see someone sinking in
the water, you should pull his hair to save him from the water. It will be
easy for you.
Student: But sir, if it happens to you, we wouldnt help you.
Teacher: Why?
Student: Because you dont have any hair!
3353. Teacher: Robin, I always see that when I start teaching in the
class, you always talk with your friends.
Robin: But Sir, I dont talk when I sleep!
3354. Teacher: Which one is closer, Sun or Australia?
Student: Sun
Teacher: Why?
Student: We can see the sun all the time, but cant see Australia!
3355. Ben got 100 out of 100 in the exam. So the teacher gave him a gift
and said, I hope you will do the same in the next exam. Ben replies,
Thank you Sir. I hope you will also print the question paper from my
uncles printing shop next time!
3356. Opening the book in the class, the teacher asked, So, where were
we?
Student: In this class, Sir!
3357. Teacher: Why is sea water salty?
Student: Maybe a ship of salt sank a long time ago!
3358. Teacher: Ron, your handwriting is very bad. You will suffer in the
future.
Ron: Dont worry Sir. I will be a typist!
3359. Teacher: Tell me an example of a creature which can live on water
as well as the land.
Student: Frog.
Teacher: Another example?
Student: Another frog!
3360. Jon and Ron are brothers. Their teacher told them to write an essay
about Dog. After checking the essays, the teacher said, Why both essays
are same?
Ron: Sir, our pet dog is same!
3361. Teacher: Tom! I know you are bad at spelling. Thats why I told you
to write down this sentence 10 times. Why did you write only 4 times?
Tom: Sir, I am bad at math too!
3362. Kid: My teacher has gone crazy Mom.
Mother: Why do you think so?
Kid: Yesterday, he said that 3 times 4 is 12. Today he is saying that 12 is
6 times 2!
3363. Student A: My teacher caned me for something I didnt do?
Student B: Thats so bad.
3373. Dear teacher, please excuse me for being absent from January 1,
2010 to December 31, 2010!
3374. Please excuse me for being absent yesterday because I had
diahoria!
3375. Teacher: Where was the treaty of peace signed?
Student: At the bottom!
3376. My little brother's marks at school were pretty bad and one day
surprised the teacher when he announced, Not wanting to frighten you
Miss but my Dad reckons if my grades don't improve, someone's going to
get spanked!
3377. Alex took a note into school that his mother had written for the
teacher following a picture that he had drawn of Mummy at work earlier
that week. It read as follows: Dear Miss Jones, The picture Alex drew
was not a pole on the stage of a dancing club but of me selling a shovel at
Wal-Mart. Yours Jenny Smith!
3378. The teacher asked the class, Does anyone know who built the
vessel where animals went in two by two? Paul raised his hand and said,
I can't remember his name but I know he was an architect!
3379. In math class, the teacher had noticed that, as usual, Peter wasn't
paying attention. She asked him, Peter, what are 2, 4, 8 and 16? Quick
as a flash he replied, CBS, CNN, Movies and the Cartoon Network!
3380. All the children had been photographed in their school uniforms and
the head teacher was persuading them all to buy the group picture. Think
about when you are older, you can look at it and reminisce. There's Julie,
she's now a doctor or Look at James, and hes an accountant now. Carl
at the back said, And there's Miss, she's dead!
3381. Teacher: Are you sure your mother wrote this note?
Chris: Why?
Teacher: Well, it says that Chris can't do P.E. today as he is under the
3413. Teacher: Class, we will have only half days school this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
3414. It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her
what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said,
"Honey, I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's
office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's office
and he asked, "What's your name?" And the little girl said, Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and
for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said,
"Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl then exclaimed,
"Glad Ass, Happy Butt" what's the difference!?
3415. For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher
about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day
the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The
six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending
event. The teacher finally asked the boy, "Johnny, what has become of
that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Johnny burst
into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
3416. A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer
team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids
work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture.
The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it
is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it,
so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by
listening for it. They're pretty good at it too." "Very clever!" remarks the
other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is
looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind
kids from the bus?" "Yes" says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids
are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind
kids?" "Nothing, ordinarily" says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but
you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my
best milk cow!"
Gerard : No, teacher, its the same dog we both wrote on!!!
3431. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The
little girl said, When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah. The teacher
asked, What if Jonah went to hell? The little girl replied, Then you ask
him!
3432. TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in
the other what would I have?
Student: Big hands!
3433. TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAM : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
3434. Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she
slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was
napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir,
little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed
her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said,
"Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked
April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her
slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and
April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And
again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and
shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME,
I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher
fainted.
3435. Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds
sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be
left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the
answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little
Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating
ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was
biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is
married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the
cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
3436. Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought
happpines and peace into people lives?"
Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
3437. This guy went to school and he asked "May I use the
bathroom?" The teacher replied, " no not unless you say your abc's." The
guy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z." The teacher asked
"Where's the p? He replied, " running down my leg!"
3438. Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student: Mahatma Gandhi was born.
Teacher: What happened in 1873?
Student: Gandhi was four years old
3439. Teacher:(I killed a person.)tell me this sentence in future tense.
Student: In future tense, (You will go to jail.)
3440. Teacher in class: Can anyone tell me what do you get if you
subtract four apples from seven apples?
John: Where are the apples?
3441. The teacher said to Danny: "Why are you on the floor?"
Danny said: "Because you said to do this Math problem without Tables."
3442. The teacher said to Merisa, "What important in the 1700's people
did not have that we have Today." Merisa said, "ME."
3443. Stone age: a group of children are sitting around the tree and one
grown up is teaching them how to bring down the fruit with a rock. Then all
the children try to do that on their own. After everyone's done they
separates into a small groups and walks home. One of them complains, "I
hate those physics".
3444. A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances
down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything
to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes
meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do
anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice turns to a
whisper. "Would you... study?"
3445. Teacher: If you eat fish?
Student: It's good for my eyes.
Teacher: If you don't eat fish?
Student: It's good for the fish!
3446. Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.
3447. Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t".
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
3448. A student is sitting at an astronomy lecture in college, when the
professor mentions, "In about 15 billion years, the sun will burn out and all
life on earth will cease to exist." "Excuse me, professor, did you say 5
billion years or 15 billion?" "15 billion." "whew, thanks, because I was
really getting worried."
3449. A female school teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting
and says, "You know, your son called me a prostitute!" Dad calls up his
son and says: "So this teacher teaches you, helps you, wants you to get
good grades and for all that you call her a prostitute?? what do you care
about what she does after work?"
3450. A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with
her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for
sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire
lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for
examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I
saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the
teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice,"
replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear
and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday,
and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and
hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every
one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled,
"And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach
those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
3451. One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for
a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he
said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last
night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said, 'Beautiful, f...ing beautiful!'"
3452. Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!
3453. Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
Student: I'm paying as little attention as I can.
3454. Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious
about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that
I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I
am," I said. "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of
view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"
3455. TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your
son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
3456. A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are
you late?" He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football
match." But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still
why are you late?" He answered, "Because there was extra time."
3457. Teacher: How we use the light?
Pupil: To suck it?
Teacher: Why do you say so?
Pupil: Because every night, my mother says to my father, "Switch off the
light, I wanna suck it!"
3458. A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to
protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start
with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a
protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture,
in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a pr*stitute makes
$2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class.
So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden
doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
3459. Science Teacher: Oxygen is a must for breathing & for life. It was
discovered in 1773.
Student: Thank God ! I am born after 1773. How did people survive before
that??
3460. A Teacher lecturing on population: In the world, after every 10
seconds, a women gives birth to a kid. Student stands up: We must find &
stop her.
3461. Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Sara,
3 to Sandy and 2 to Kristina then what will u get????
Kid: 3 New Girlfriends Mam!!!
3462. A boy has English exam next day. He learns an essay 'FRIEND', but
in the exam an essay on 'FATHER' comes. He replaced friend with father
in the essay. It read: I am a very fatherly person, I have many fathers.
Some of my fathers are male and some are female. I have a new
neighbor; I wish to make him my new father.
3463. Hi students! Today, we will let you know the short cut to success:
"Behind every successful Man, there is a WOMAN... So, don't waste time
in your studies... just find a woman..."
3464. A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she
dismissed them to go to church, and why is it necessary to be quiet in
church? Little Johnny replied, Because we must not disturb people
while sleeping.
3465. Two school girls were talking in school break.
Girl 1: You seem worried today. whats the matter?
Girl 2: Ya! As my moms gonna marry again soon.
Girl 1: Whats that bothering you, new relationship or new father?
Girl 2: New father! hes a famous man. I wonder how would he treat me?
Girl 1: Whos he?
Girl 2: Mr. Baig! The famous film maker.
Girl 1: Dont you worry then at all! Hes a nice chap.
Girl 2: How can you say that?
Girl 1: He was my father last month!
3466. What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested? A small boy said, Teacher, of course!!
3467. A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his
schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. After one
week, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided
into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a
birds legs. No bodies,no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to
identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test
getting angrier every minute. Finally, he stomped up to the front of the
classroom and threw the test paper on the teachers desk. This is the
worst test I have ever given. The teacher looked up and said, Young
man, you have flunked the test. Whats your name? The student pulled
up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, You tell me.
3468. Teacher asked to a student,Ronny if 2 & 2 makes four how is 4 &
4? Student replied, This is not fair teacher, you always do the easy
promised you a bicycle if you secure First rank? Yes:, said Johnny.
Then why didnt you work harder? asked the teacher, What have you
been doing all this time? Learning to ride a bike!, answered Johnny.
3479. A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French,
nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine-"la
mansion." "Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon." One puzzled
student asked, "...What gender is computer?..." The teacher did not know,
and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class
into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to
decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both
groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The
men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they
ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
3480. The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a
sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then
I have definitely s**t my pants"
3481. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She
read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build
my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he
said... 'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the
next 10 minutes.
3482. On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are
not necessarily those of his parents."
3483. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow
shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty."
3484. A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated
on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean
them.
"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without
your glasses on !" Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when
she takes her teeth out, too!"
3485. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow
shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty."
3486. A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated
on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean
them.
"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without
your glasses on !" Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when
she takes her teeth out, too!"
3487. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling
sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like
that. Bobby looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you
weren't warned!
3488. Kevin, in which battle was Admiral Nelson killed? His last one,
Sir!
3489. Amanda, I wish you would pay a little attention. I am paying as
little as I can, Mam!
3490. Voice on telephone: I am afraid Catherine would not be coming to
school today.
Headmaster: Who is calling?
Voice: It is my mother!
3491. Your history exercise was bad, Paul, I told you to write it down
twenty times, but you have only done it ten times. Sorry madam, but my
arithmetic is bad too!
3492. Arthur: I was feeling so sleepy this morning that I had to toss
whether to attend class or to go to bed.
Lionel: Is that so?
Arthur: Yes. And I had to toss ten times before I could go to bed!
3493. Student 1: I dont understand anything that my professor is
teaching us.
Student 2: Thats somewhat better. My professor himself doesnt
understand what he is teaching us!
3494. In an examination, a question was asked: 2K + K = ? The student
wrote: 3000!
spoke up again, "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps
the ignoramuses like you out of medical school!" replied the professor.
3502. Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the
Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last
question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped.
He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to
be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped
Tim on the shoulder. "Pssst Tim. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tim laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed
then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old
MacDonald had a farm." "Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." He
picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He
stopped. Reaching to tap Tim's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tim, how
do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is
spelled E-I-E-I-O!"
3503. Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required
to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin-victim,
Resusci Anne, to practice. My group's model was legless to allow for
storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As
instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are
you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for
breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said
she can't feel her legs!"
3504. There was a university in New England where the students operated
a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were
papers to suit all needs. Since it would look odd if an undistinguished
student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A
grade, B grade, and C grade. One student, who had spent the weekend
on more "extra-curricular pursuits" went to the bank, and as his course
was a standard one, he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C. He then
retyped it and handed the work in. In due course he received it back with
the professor's comments. "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I
always thought it was worth an A and now I'm pleased to give it one!"
said, and the guard waved him through. The Cambridge student, having
rigged up a ball to a length of chain, approached the guard next and
showed of his wares. "Hammer throwing" he said, and the guard shrugged
and waved him through. The catering student from Southborough came
last, with a roll of chain link on his shoulder. "Fencing!"
3510. According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced
with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee,
dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then, there have
been no lip prints on the mirrors!
3511. A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson.
He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked:
"What is the usual tip?" "Well" replied the youth, "this is my first trip here,
but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is
that so?" snorted Larry, "Well, just to show them how wrong they are,
here's five dollars." "Thanks" replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school
fund." "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. The lad smiled and
said: "Applied psychology!"
3512. A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway
Hall that had been built on campus. "It's a pleasure to see a building
named after Ernest Hemingway" he said. "Actually" said his guide, "it's
named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation." The visitor was astonished.
"Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?" "Yes, indeed" said his guide. "He
wrote a check!"
3513. Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many
years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did
pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into
the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident
going into the final that the weekend before finals, despite the Chemistry
final being on Monday, they decided to go to the University of Virginia to
party with some friends. They did this and had a great time. However, with
their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't
make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the
final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him
how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of
Virginia for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study,
but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They
couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus. Bonk
thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following
day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the
next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate
rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem which was something simple about
morality and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, this is
going to be an easy final. They then turned the page. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only
two words: (95 points) Which tyre?!
3514. There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There
was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been
fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would
send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and
readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and
each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor,
brushing horses and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights,
and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy
preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one
knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a
looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the
knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three
kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the
knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only
person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated
the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of
the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two
sides!
3515. A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He
handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the
test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor
noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a
note saying "A dollar per point." The next class, the professor handed the
tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change!
3516. A Tennessee graduate and a Bama graduate decided to rob a bank
together. The Bama man plans the robbery and goes over the plan with
the UT guy extensively. The robbery begins. The Bama man drives up in
front of the bank, stops the car and says to the Vol, "I want to make
absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and
out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you
understand the plan?" "Perfectly" said the Vol. The Vol goes in the bank
while the Bama man waits in the getaway car. One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . . Seven minutes pass and the Bama guy is really
stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes the Vol.
He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the
time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open
again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and
underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As
the guys are getting away, the Bama man says, "Man, I thought you
understood the plan!" The Vol said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot" said the Bama man, "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up
the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
3517. Professors of different subjects define the same word in different
ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then
said, "Okay" looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making
progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all
alone?" "Because" the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"
3520. A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package
basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to
the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The
pharmacist says: "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes
the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature.
"What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well I have pills for art
history, biology, and world history" replies the pharmacist. The student
asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those
subjects. Then the student asks: "Do you have a pill for math?" The
pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment" goes back to the storeroom, brings
back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter. "I have to take that
huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replies, "Well you
know math always was a little hard to swallow!"
3521. A college business professor could not help but notice that one of
his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class
ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the
day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. "And
who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor
asked. "I don't know" the student said. "Perhaps if you came to class on
time, Mr. Reebs, you would know" said the professor. "That's not true" the
student replied, "I never pay attention anyway!"
3522. Three students, a student from Tennessee, a student from
Alabama, and a student from Auburn are out walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you
each one wish, that's three wishes total" says the Genie. The Tennessee
student says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Tennessee." With a blink of the
Genie's eye, "FOOM" the land in Tennessee was forever made fertile for
farming. The Auburn student was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around the University of Auburn, so that nobody from out of state can
come into our precious school." Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
"POOF" there was a huge wall around Auburn. The Alabama student
says, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie
explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely
surrounds the University of Auburn. Nothing can get in or out." The
Alabama student says, "Fill it with water!"
3523. Here is a purported to be true story someone found regarding
exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one
day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him
Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me
Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old
Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and
pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting
examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and
hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat
there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks
later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the
examination!
3524. On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds
for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He
continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined
$60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any
questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a
season pass?!"
3525. A young man had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his
father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father
took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B- average, study your Bible a
little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." Well, the boy
thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the
offer and they agreed. After about six weeks, the boy came back and
again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where
his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and
participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But
I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your hair cut." The young
man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking
about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Sampson had
long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's
even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair." To which his
father replied, "Yes, but they WALKED everywhere they went!"
3526. Several colleges have started a pilot program that uses a simple
group experiment with Legos as a replacement for the standard
admissions test. The group must recreate a model of a robot in the next
room, with only one team member allowed to view the robot at any one
time. Since different schools have different admission requirements, the
test has been generalized to meet the requirements of various schools:
ENGINEERING COLLEGE: Build a real, working robot out of Legos.
LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE: Pick your favorite color of Lego block.
CULINARY COLLEGE: Bake an Eggo that no one would want to Lego.
COMMUNITY COLLEGE: Ring this box of Legos up on a cash register.
FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY: Steal as many Legos as possible!
3527. Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York
City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare
change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other
hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands
them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and
then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his
friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts
Frank, "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt
replies, "And we weren't?!"
3528. A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and
asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said,
"Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. you also left your economics
book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that
up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid. So his Mom wrapped
the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye and
went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets
back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" "Oh, I
wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000." "That's $1020!"
yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy?" "Don't worry honey" Mom said, kissed
Dad on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his
book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter
15!"
3529. An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in
return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him
with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the
dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a
cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the
dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his
colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should
have taken the money!"
3530. Full form of P H D:
Patiently hoping for a Degree!
Probably headed for Divorce!
Probably heavily in Debt!
Probably hard to Describe!
Permanent head Damage!
3531. Every morning a man drives to the dock, and Every morning a man
takes the ferry to work. One morning he woke up and had no electricity.
He had no idea what time it was, and he thought that he was late for
work. So he quickly got dressed, ate breakfast and rushed out the door.
He got to the dock and saw the boat ten feet away. So he got a running
head start, and jumped as far as he could, and landed on the boat. And
the captain of the boat said to him, "You know, if you had waited five
minutes, we would have been in!"
3532. The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her
students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young
people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one
question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young
woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do
you make it last an hour?!"
3533. A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a
lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that
involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now class.
Observe the worms closely" said the professor as he put the first worm
into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in
water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed
painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what
lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
3534. George reported for his university final examination, which
consists of Yes/No type questions. He takes his seat in the examination
hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes his purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing it,
marking the answer sheet yes for heads and no for tails. Within half an
hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately flipping the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches his and
asks what is going on? George replies, Im rechecking my answers
and I dont think I did very good.
3535. Pete decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every
thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Steve
came home.
Steve : How is your MBA preparation?
Pete : Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Steve : Logic is very easy.
Pete : Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Steve : OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Pete: YES.
Steve: Logically, there will be water in it.
Pete: YES.
Steve: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Pete: YES.
Steve: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Pete: YES.
Steve : I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Pete: YES.
Steve : so, logically, your are married.
Pete: YES.
Steve : So, that means U are a heterosexual.
Pete was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Bobby
and he was also preparing for MBA.
Pete: How is your MBA preparation?
Bobby : Everything is fine except for the logic.
Pete: Oh, logic is easy.
Bobby : Please, give me an example.
Pete : Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Bobby: NO, I dont.
Pete: Then you are a homosexual!!!
3536. A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in
Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty coed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where
does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed
with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale,"
she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted,
"WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"
3537. Been In College Too Long...
You consider McDonald's "real food."
You actually like doing laundry at home.
4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.
It starts getting late on the weeknights.
Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.
You'd rather clean than study.
Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
Computer Solitaire is more than a game, it's a way of life.
You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.You know the
pizza boy by name.
You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)
Prank phone calls become funny again.
Wal-Mart is the coolest store.
World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.
You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
You find out milk crates have so many uses.
The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday
3538. Fun Things To Do During An Exam:
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work.
Turn it in a few minutes early.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left
nostril.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down.
About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand
any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal?
And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak.
After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here,
the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
3539. A Polish student was in his the college campus
bookstore. Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his
classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the job for you."
"Good," the Polack replied, "I'll take two."
3540. The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life
science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The
question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write?
He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for
the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part
answer.
Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled.
Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and
triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
3541. One day the kids in Ms. Evans science class were disagreeing with
her.
Ms. Evans was talking about evolution. Ms. Evans was an atheist. Then
Johnny raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created
mankind?" Ms. Evans then replied, "Well can you see God?"
"No."
"Hear God?"
"No."
"Feel God?"
"No." This went on for quite a while. "Well then God doesn't exist." Then
Johnny whispered back to his friend Jimmy, "Can you see Ms. Evan's
brain?
No So that must not exist."
3542. Ms.Battle: Henry,I hope I didn't see you copying Casey's math test.
Henry: I hope you didn't either.
3543. Q: What comes befor 8?
A: My school bus usually.
3544. A lecturer was unable to control the class. The guys were just
talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send a guy
who was creating most of the problem out. But he didnt know how to
put it in English He went near the guy. Shouted follow me. The guy
followed him till he went out of the class. Now the lecturer turned back and
again shouted Dont follow me and went inside the class
3545. I asked the children in my Sunday School class, If I sold my house
and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church,
would I get into heaven? No! the children all answered. Then I said, If
I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat
and tidy, would I get into heaven? Again, the answer was, No! Well, I
continued, Then how can I get to heaven? A five-year-old boy shouted
out, You gotta be dead!
3546. It is no fault of the student because a year has only 365 days.
Days in a year = 365 days
Sundays = 52 days (Sundays are meant for rest)
Days left = 313 days
Summer Vacations = 60 days (Weather is very hot, so it is difficult to
study)
Days left = 253 days
Eight hours of daily sleep = 122 days (Necessary)
Days left = 131 days
One hour daily for play = 15 days (Its good for health)
Days left = 116 days
Two hours for daily food = 30 days (Chew the food properly, dont care for
time)
Days left = 86 days
Examination days in a year = 30 days (Giving exams is necessary)
Days left = 56 days
Winter vacations = 25 days (Weather is cold, its difficult to study)
Days left = 31 days
Other holidays = 20 days (These holidays are to enjoy)
Days left = 11 days
Illness at least once a year = 8 days (Because of illness, study is difficult)
Days left = 3 days
Result days = 3 days (Going and taking result is necessary)
Days left = 0 days
So tell me, where is the time to study?!
3547. A middle aged man was walking down the street. He saw a
business acquaintance looking downcast. Jim, is everything okay? he
asked. No, its not. My son was expelled from college because his
poor eyesight. The man was shocked, and replied How could they
expel your son for his eyesight? Jim answered, He mistook the dean
of women for one of the co-eds.
WOMEN JOKES:
3548. Woman: My husband forgets wedding anniversaries. What about
you?
Friend: Oh, he too forgets, so I remind him of it in January and June and
get two presents a year!
3549. A lady asked Paderewski, the great Polish pianist whether to play
piano was difficult. No, Madam, replied the pianist, All you have to do is
to put the right finger on the right note at the right time. That is all!
3550. Salesman: Madam, this incense stick is such that when you burn it
in your flat, the fragrance reaches the neighbors flat.
Madam: Great! Do sell them to our neighbor!
3551. Liza, I cannot marry John. He does not believe in hell. Dont worry
about that. You just marry him. He will start believing in hell soon after!
3552. In todays society, we cannot find out who is a boy and who is a
girl. See that boy there. She is a girl and she is my daughter. I am
sorry. I did not know that you are her father. No, I am her mother!
3553. Today is the 25th anniversary of our maidservant. Guest at home
asks, What a surprise! Has she served you for 25 long years? She looks
so young? No, no! She is the 25th maidservant at our home!
3554. Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community,
are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking
gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says,"Sophie, you know I'm shy.
Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He
looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks
up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my
friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm
lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding!
What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to
your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We
had a fight and she fell off a building." "Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning
to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley.
He's single."
3555. One hot, humid afternoon, a man sat in a reclining lawn chair,
reading and sipping iced tea while his wife mowed the lawn. The woman
next door is outraged. "Aren't you ashamed, making your wife mow the
lawn in this heat? You ought to be hung!" "I am," replied the man with a
smile. "That's why my wife is mowing the lawn!"
3556. A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He
kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her
husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed
by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy." But she was not
nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away.
Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come
too."
3557. You should be very, very happy, madam, the fortune teller
murmured. A nobler man than your husband you have yet to meet. How
exciting! But when!? was the response.
3558. Income-tax officer: You should pay your taxes with a smile.
Young lady: I have tried thrice but every time they insist for cash!
3559. Hello! Hello! exclaimed the elderly woman upon answering the
telephone. Who is this? Albert. Who? I cant hear a word you say.
Albert shouted the young man. A-l-b-e-r-t. A for Arthur, L for Lionel, B
for Bertram, E for Edward, R for Robert, T for Tommie. Yes, yes
replied the old lady. But which of you boys wants to speak to me!?
3560. I ordered a dozen oranges but you sent me only ten, complained
the housewife. Part of our service madam, replied the grocer, two were
bad so we saved you the trouble of throwing them away!
3561. Mrs. Roy: I hear Scarlet is taking French lessons.
Mrs. Eden: Yes. She has just adopted a French baby from the orphanage
the young woman who seized the package and pointed to the little old lady
beside her and said, Grandma's paying the bill!
3575. The woman on the telephone enquired, What time in the morning
will the library open? 8.30.a.m. was the reply. I'm sorry, but why are
you calling in the middle of the night asking such a question? Are you that
desperate to get it? No came the reply, I'm desperate to get out!
3576. Two women chatting in the supermarket. One said, But how did
you know that your husband was drunk? He tried putting his pin number
into the microwave! replied the other woman.
3577. A French woman phoned reception at the hotel where she was
staying in New York and asked if room service could send her up some
pepper to her room. Is that black pepper or white paper asked the
receptionist. Neither, I want toilet pepper! came her reply.
3578. I telephoned the Police the other day but dialed the wrong number
and got through to the local rambling club. After twenty minutes, I hung up
the phone the woman was just going on and on!
3579. Two people in a helicopter were 4,000 feet in the air when the pilot
suddenly broke into hysterical laughter. What is so funny? asked the
passenger. The pilot replied, I was just thinking what the governor of the
asylum will say when he notices that I've escaped!
3580. A tramp went up to an expensive looking house and knocked gently
on the front door. The rich owner answered and the tramp asked if he
could supply him with some food. The wealthy man said, I didn't become
rich by giving stuff away for free but I tell you what - if you go out the back
and paint my porch, in return you will receive a fine meal. After about
twenty minutes, the tramp returns and knocks at the front door and the
owner says, Wow! Finished already. That was quick. Take a seat and my
cook will bring you the food. Thanks said the tramp, But you should
know one thing - that's a BMW you have out back, not a porch!
3581. Two men went out fishing one fine day in a rented boat. They
caught an amazing 42 fish. Lets come out again tomorrow but be sure to
mark this great fishing spot on the lake said one of the men to the
other. The following day, they are on the way to pick up the boat and the
same man asks, Did you remember to mark that great fishing spot? The
other man replied, Yes, I put a massive X underneath the boat. You
silly fool said the first guy, What happens if we are given a different
boat today!?
3582. A car was speeding down a motorway so a traffic cop took chase
and when he caught up with the vehicle was amazed to see a woman
knitting as she was speeding along. He realized that she was completely
oblivious to the sirens, flashing lights etc. so got out his loud haler and
bellowed, PULL OVER. The woman yelled back at him, No its a scarf
actually!
3583. Jenny went to buy some ice-cream at the interval when she was at
the cinema the other evening. On her return, she asked the man who was
sitting on the end of a row, I didn't step on your toes about 5 minutes
ago, did I? You certainly did young lady replied the man. Thank
goodness for that. I'm on the right row then! she smiled.
3584. My girlfriend met her friend Libby as she was picking up her car
from the garage. Is the car okay now? my girlfriend asked. Yes,
although it did worry me, the mechanic might attempt to overcharge me.
So I was mighty relieved when he said that all that it needed was some
blinker fluid!" replied Libby.
3585. There were two best friends who did almost everything together.
Last week, the first friend says, It's about time I lost some weight so
tomorrow I'm starting a diet. Okay, I'll do the same said the second
friend. We can help encourage each other to lose the weight and if I get
the urge for some fries and a burger, I will call you first. That's brilliant
replied the first friend, I need a lift to MacDonalds as it is miles away!
3586. My girlfriend and her friend are not very clever. The other day, when
they went out to a supermarket, they locked themselves out of their
Mercedes so tried to open it using a coat hanger. Try as they may, they
were unable to unlock it. Just as her friend stopped for a rest, the heavens
opened and my girlfriend shouted, Get a move on, it's beginning to rain
and Ive left the hood off and dont want the seats to get wet!
3587. I wouldnt say that my girlfriend was stupid but the other day she
entered our local Library and said to the lady behind the desk, Chicken
nuggets and French fries please. The woman replied, Dont you realize
that you are in a library? So she whispered very quietly, Sorry, I said can
I have some chicken nuggets and French fries, please!?
3588. My girlfriend wanted to change the color scheme in her bedroom.
She knew the color she wanted but wasn't sure how much wall covering
she needed but her friend down the lane had done something similar
recently and the rooms were about the same size. Sarah she asked,
Can you remember the number of rolls of wall covering it took you to
decorate your room? Twelve she replied. My girlfriend duly bought the
twelve rolls of wall covering, finished the job and found that she had three
rolls remaining. She phoned Sarah and told her this to which she replied,
Oh, I'm not surprised, so did I!
3589. My girlfriend is not very bright. Last summer we were flying home
from Ibiza when the pilot announced that one of the engines had packed
up but not to panic as the remaining three were fine. The only problem
was that it would increase our flying time by twenty minutes. A little later,
the pilot announces that a second engine has now packed up but the
remaining two are fine but now our flying time has been extended by 40
minutes. My girlfriend turned to me and said, I hope the remaining two
engines dont pack up otherwise we will be stuck up here all day!
3590. Girl: Do u have any sentimental love cards?
Shopkeeper: How about this card? It says, To the only boy I ever loved.
Girl: Great! I want 10 of them!
3591. The Mother Superior instructs two nuns to paint a new room in the
convent. "And don't get a drop of paint on your habits" she sternly
admonishes. The two nuns decide that the only way they will keep their
habits clean is to take their clothes off, paint the room, then put them back
on. So they strip, and begin painting. Suddenly there is a knock at the
door. "Who is it?" asks one of the nuns. "Blind man" comes the reply. The
nuns look at each other and shrug. "No harm letting him in" one says, and
opens the door. "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the
blinds?"
3592. Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various
things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This
morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember
whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady
says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my
bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just
woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory is just as
good as it's always been, knock on wood" she says as she raps on the
table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there!?"
3593. Reasons why Beer is better than women:
A frigid beer is a good beer.
After a beer, the bottle is still worth a nickel.
All you have to do to get head is undo the top and turn it upside down.
Beer can is worth something after you've had it.
Beer doesn't bother about foreplay.
Beer doesn't care what position your in.
Beer doesn't care when you come.
Beer doesn't cry if you don't talk to it for a week.
Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer labels peel off without a fight.
Beer never talks back.
Beer won't get pregnant.
Beer won't mind if you fart after you've had it.
Beers don't get fat.
Beers improve with age.
When you open a beer you know your the first and only one to have it.
You can have a Beer in public.
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty about it.
You can share a beer with a friend and it doesn't care.
3594. A guy walks into a toy store in downtown New York and asks the
assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?" She says,
"Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
Fashion Barbie at $15.95
3600. FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they
are right and you need to shut up!
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed; this is half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to
watch the game before helping around the house!
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something"
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing'
usually end in "Fine"!
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you over "Nothing"!
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think
long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your
mistake!
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you're welcome!
3601. With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a
baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their
family. When they wanted to have a look at the baby, the 65 year old
mother says, "Not yet." A little later, they ask to see the baby again. Again
the mother says, "Not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the
baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." So they ask, "Why
do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "I forgot
where I put it!"
3602. A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't
know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the
register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades
on. She says, Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter, I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it
makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He
said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test
line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's
amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the
counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the
counter to the register and in the meantime, the woman breaks wind bigtime. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he
could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only
person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She
says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod
and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish stink bait is
$2.50!"
3603. A soccer goalkeeper was walking along the street one day when he
heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke
billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a
baby. "Help! Help!" screamed the woman, "I need someone to catch my
baby!" A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about
catching a baby dropped from such a great height. Then the goalkeeper,
stepped forward. "I'm a professional goalkeeper" he called to the woman,
"I'm renowned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For
me, it will be just like catching a ball." The woman agreed: "Ok, then.
When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball." On count of
three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as the
goalkeeper lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief,
followed by wild cheering as the goalkeeper caught the baby safely in his
arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it 50 yards down
the street!
3604. A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One
morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues
to read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside her and says, "Good morning Ma'am, what are you doing?"
"Reading my book" she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a
restricted fishing area" he informs her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't
you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in
and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape" says
the woman. "But I haven't even touched you" says the game warden.
"That's true, but you do have all the equipment!" MORAL: Never argue
with a woman who reads!
3605. A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward, he
asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand
why they were killing each other for 25 cents" she said. "What do you
mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
3606. A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown
a bullfight. The guide told her, This is our number one sport. The horrified
woman said, Isnt that revolting? No the guide replied, revolting is our
number two sport!
3607. A woman went to the mall to buy Valentines Day cards for her son
and father. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded
her. She muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for exhusbands." The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes mam, they do, but
theyre in Sporting Goods." "Really?" exclaimed the woman. "Yes mam.
Theyre called darts!"
3608. 'We have two test tubes here,' said the professor of IVF studies
from Monash University. 'They contain two carefully synthesized
ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a
genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while
Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa. If I mix
them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived.
Now any questions?' 'Could you possibly give us a demonstration?' asked
an awed member of the audience. 'I'm sorry, not tonight,' said the
professor, 'Solution A has a headache!'
3609. Question: What does a woman, a tornado and a hurricane have in
common?
Answer: They all get the house!
3610. Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband
from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike,
is that you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying
out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew!
3611. Men are always whining about how we women suffocate
them. Well, in my opinion, if you can still hear them whine, you're not
holding the pillow hard enough!
3612. Interpretation of womens statements:
10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred
banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance'!
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do
my dad!
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest
dork I've ever laid eyes on!
7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you
spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the
other guys I'm seeing!
6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon
of Ben and Jerry's!
5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you
were in the same solar system, much less the same building!
4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you!
3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring
and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you!
2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you!
1. Lets be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you
in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's
the male perspective thing!
3613. Actual meaning of womens statements:
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to!
We need = I want!
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later!
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....!
asshole!"
3617. Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park.
Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The
man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.
Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke.
The third lady, though, refused to touch it!
3618. A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by
a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her
for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold,
extracted ten dollars and asked, If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner? No, I had to stop drinking years
ago?, the homeless woman replied. Will you use it to go shopping
instead of buying food? the woman asked No, I dont waste time
shopping?, the homeless woman said. I need to spend all my time
trying to stay alive. Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of
food? the woman asked. Are you NUTS? replied the homeless
woman. I havent had my hair done in 20 years! Well, said the
woman, Im not going to give you the money. Instead, Im going to take
you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight. The homeless
woman was astounded. Wont your husband be furious with you for doing
that? I know Im dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting. The
woman replied, Thats Okay. Its important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
3619. Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the worlds
largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound
of even 20 supersonic planes passing cant b heard! Now may I request
the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls?
3620. What is ABCDEFG? A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!
But what is GFEDCBA? Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches
new Boy Again!
3621. Two girls are talking about their future husband. One is telling that
she will marry An archeologist. Second girl asked why? She told, An
archeologist is the best husband any woman can have.The older she
gets the more interested he is in her.
3622. One lady is telling to a girl, Do you know what is the secret of
being young? The girl told, May be take care of skin. The lady told, No,
the secret of being young is sleep the right numbers of hours, go with the
right crowed, eat right food and tell the WRONG AGE.
3623. Two friend are talking about different issues. Suddenly one asked to
another Do you know about the worries of Man and Woman? Another
friend replied, NO. Then the friend replied, A woman worries about the
future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until
he gets a wife.
3624. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldnt find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
Do these turkeys get any bigger? The stock boy replied, No
maam, theyre dead.
3625. Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (dont even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if
mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left
alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green
when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
3626. A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a
Sardarni painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice
denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she
was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him
the instructions on the tin and said, For best results put on two coats.
3627. A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed,
the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident
agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and
I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll
be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he
remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his
crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his
pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then
asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but
my thumb still hurts like hell."
3628. Q: How are women and a hurricane alike?
A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild, when they leave, they take
your house and your car.
3629. An old man in a nursing home was celebrating his 83rd birthday.
One of the female residents stopped by his room to say hi. "how are you
doing today?" she asked. "I'm celebrating my birthday, today," the man
told the woman,"guess how old I am." "Drop your pants and let me feel
your balls," she said. The old man looked around and decided no one was
watching, so he did as the woman said, and she began to feel his balls
with her hand. "you're 83," she said. "how did you know?" the old man
replied. "you told me yesterday."
3630. Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, "Sorry, folks for
the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt." On this
particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had "hammered the plane a
little hard on the runway." The airline policy was that he had to stand at the
exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, "Thank
you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing." All the
passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking
with a cane and wearing a hearing aid. She proceeded to walk up to the
pilot and and said, "Do you mind if I ask a question?" He said, "Why no,
ma'am, go ahead." She then replied, "I didn't hear the announcement. Did
we land, or were we shot down?"
3631. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped
her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the
top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the
car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran
like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her
shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She
was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried
and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had
wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer
in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four
or five spaces farther down.
3632. ABC's of ex girlfriends:
A is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really
didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have
given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do
work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils
and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together
and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped.
Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig.
Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you
figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford
a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy
(you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything).
So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders
why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends.
That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun.
And yes there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny.
Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you
figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her.
Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim.
This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have
a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much
better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love.
It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared
upon by both parties.
L is also for Lunatic.
Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in
love.
M stands for Mephistophiles.
That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac.
She didn't move very much, did she?
O is for On top.
When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill.
She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred
dollars a month.
Q is for Quitter.
She couldn't last.
R is for Rich little Bitch.
She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Suffer.
That's what she made me do.
T is for torture.
Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured
you with lies.
U is for Understatement.
Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V is for Voluptuous.
That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W stands for Whine.
She was a pro at this.
X is for Xylophone.
Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck!
Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z stands for ZIPPER.
This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too
quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
3633. 10 Reasons Not To Jog:
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 dollars. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have
put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy
me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
3634. A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown
a bullfight. The guide told her, "This is our number one sport." The horrified
woman said, "Isn't that revolting?" "No," the guide replied, "revolting is our
number two sport."
3635. He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your
looks, not with your brains? She said...Because there is a bigger chance
that a man is a moron than he is blind.
3636. Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator
promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he
lived. "Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road," Billy Bob replied. "Could you
spell that for me please?" the operator asked. After a very lengthy pause
Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all
can pick her up there?"
3637. Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and
Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time
for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and
says "Im going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make
someone down below very happy." Not to be outdone, Britney ripped
$1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made
two people really happy." Not even noticing Britneys stupid move,
Christina bragged, "Look, Im going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot
more people a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all
this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think Ill
throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.
3638. You know you are addicted to coffee if,
-You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
-You sleep with your eyes open.
-You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
-The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
-You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the
timer.
-You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
-Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
-You chew on other people's fingernails.
-The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
3639. Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do
wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly
nervous." "My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied.
"But I broke him of the habit." "How?" "I hid his teeth."
3640. A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
3641. Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that
she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she
stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when
you need one?) and transported it back to her house--where she realized
that the camel's name was "Otto."
3642. Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing
notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the
world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel just the
same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm
here. I'm going to have a baby in three months." "You must tell me what
you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit." The other woman
smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
3643. Advantages Of Being A Woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,
and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
4. Taxis stop for us.
5. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
6. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
9. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like
an idiot.
10. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
11. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of
being lost is to ask for directions.
3644. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo
Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and
said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
3645. A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man.
"There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she
showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually,
even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,"
replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were. The
saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the
Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked,
"What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all
really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation
Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of
mole hills."
3646. Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake
happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it
was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there
anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female
brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled: "HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..."
3647. A Woman's Random Thoughts Skinny people piss me off! Especially
when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've
never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to
eat." They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good.
He's dead. Good. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth
control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn. The trouble
with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they
marry him.) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's
Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. "If
men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
3648. Facts of Life:
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three hours.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it
does in man-language.
If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can
probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet,
taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always
catch men checking out other women.
3649. How To Drive Your Wife Crazy:
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking,
cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself.
You know, just in case."
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and
pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything
everywhere.
Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the
kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches
the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and
get me a beer, my back is just killing me today.
Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up
each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Quit it, you know how
much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is
bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid,
boring, and long winded as you can make it.
Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having
uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 810 PM) When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say,
"Oh, stop it! A little ________ isn't going to hurt you." Continue until all
weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time
now, how much have you lost?"
When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in
time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get
the rest of it for you dear." Feign suprise when she says that's it. End with,
"This is all you got for how much?"
On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made,
use the best towels in the house. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still
wear the same size you did when you got married.
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face
with that jet of cold water when she turns it on. When doing filthy jobs
around the house be sure to wear your good clothes.
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to
use it. When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do? I
never had a problem with it."
3650. Things Only Women Understand:
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
3651. "My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our
relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" Unknown
3652. A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that
reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob:
20.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up
to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses. "Yes?" she
inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?" "I was wondering,"
whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?" "Yes," she
purrs. "Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I
want a cheese sandwich!"
3665. A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her
future: Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near
future. To which the lady replies, Don't tell me things that I already know,
tell me if there would be an investigation!!
3666. 2 girls meet:
- me & my husband are no longer together...
- why?
- well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job
and always cusses?
- no, of course I couldn't!
- well he couldn't either!
3667. A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk, "I would
like to see a bikini that fits me." Clerk, "me too..."
3668. Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's extreme
dedication to his new job. You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for
quite a while. She tells her friends, " I appreciate the fact that at last he's
found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in
our bedroom." "Why, what's his new job?" " He's an embalmer."
3669. A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed
off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if
I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning,
she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the
block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead
us not into temptation."
3670. There is this guy and he wants to marry a girl but he is bad at
choosing girls so he has a contest. First one to get as many ping pong
balls as they can is my wife. The first girl brings back a whole bucket of
them. the guy goes good, good. The 2 girl brings back a truck load of ping
pong balls. He says, "Wow that will be hard to beat." Then the 3 girl
comes back all bloody and bruised and is holding 2 big bloody things. The
guy says, "What are those, I said ping pong balls." "Oh,"Says the 3 girl, "I
thought you said King Kong's balls."
3671. My sweet girlfriend had habit of biting her fingernails. She started
doing YOGA to treat the problem. Soon her finger-nails started growing
normally. Seeing this, I asked if yoga had totally cured her problem. "No,"
she replied with a funny sweet smile, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so
I bite them instead."
3672. A girl went to a shop to buy her country flag. On seeing the flag,
she said something that confused and irritated the shopkeeper. Guess
what did sexy girl say... "Show me some more colors."
3673. At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men
or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said one man, scornfully,
can keep a secret. I dont know about that, huffily answered a woman
guest. I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one. Youll let it
out some day, the man insisted. I hardly think so! responded the
lady. When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she
can keep it forever.
3674. A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may
go to choose a husband from among many men The store is composed
of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper
ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to
any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor,
you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes
to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on
the door reads:
Floor 1 These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, Well, thats better than
my last boyfriend, but I wonder whats further up?
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, Thats great, but I wonder whats further
up? And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good
looking.
Hmmm, better she says. But I wonder whats upstairs?
3686. Yo mama is so fat she doesn't need the internet. She is already
WORLD WIDE!
3687. Yo mama is so fat when she sat on WALMART she lowered the
price.
3688. Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back.
3689. Your mama so fat, she walked by the TV and I missed half my
show.
3690. You mama is so fat when we went to the beach the whales sang,
"We are family."
3691. Yo mama so poor, when I ring the door bell, she yells: DING
DONG!
3692. Yo Mamas so stupid she was yelling into the mailbox. We ask her
whats she doing and she said, she was sending a voice-mail.
3693. Yo mama is so fat that when she died jesus couldn't lift her soul to
heaven.
3694. Yo mamma so stupid she puts a piece of paper on the TV and says,
"I'm watching paper-view."
3695. Yo Mama so stupid she put a peephole in a glass door!
3696. Yo mama so dumb, when she tried to commit suicide she jumped
out of the basement window.
3697. Yo mama so stupid she stole a free sample.
3698. Yo mamma so ugly when she was walking to the bank. They turned
of the security cameras.
3699. Yo mama so slow that when she tried to cross the road she got a
parking ticket.
3700. Yo momma so stupid she put lip stick on her head to make-up her
mind.
3701. Yo mama so stupid I asked her to buy me a color TV and she
asked me what color.
3702. Yo mamma so stupid she stared at a orange juice carton just
because it said concentrate.
3703. Yo mama so poor, when she found a penny she thought she had hit
the lottery.
3704. Yo Mama so poor I saw her with one shoe in the garbage can and I
said, "Did you lost a shoe." And she said, "Nope I just found one."
3705. Yo mama so ugly when she takes baths water hops out.
3706. Yo mama is so hairy, Kingkong got jealous.
3707. Yo mama so dumm that she drowned in a Mexican wave.
3708. Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said
no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
3709. Yo mama so poor I sat on the garbage can and she said get off
from my roof.
3710. Yo mama is so fat when god said let their be light yo mama moved
over.
3711. You mama is so fat when we went to the beach the whales sang,
"We are family."
3712. Yo mama so stupid someone said Christmas was around the corner
and she went looking for it.
3713. Yo momma so poor I saw her running after a garbage truck with a
shopping list.
3714. Yo mama is so short you can see her feet on her passport picture.
3715. Yo mama so dumb,when she got an "F" on her test, she thought it
mean Fantastic!
3716. YO MAMA IS SO STUPID SHE GOT FIRED FROM A BLOW JOB.
3717. You mama is so fat, when she goes to the movies she sits next to
everyone!
3718. Yo mama is so ugly the mirror did not make an reflection.
3719. You mama is so fat when she when on the weighing scale it said,
"One at a time please."
3720. Yo mama is so poor, rainbows in her neighborhood are black and
white.
3721. Yo mama so stupid she stab her self with a shooting gun.
3722. Yo momma's so poor she cant even pay attention.
3723. Yo mama so stupid I told her I was going to the Super Bowl and
she told me not to forget a spoon.
3724. Yo mama so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.
3725. Yo mommma is so fat when she stepped on a scale it said to be
continued.
3726. Yo momma is so fat when she sat at the back of the bus it pulled a
wheelie.
3727. Your mums so fat when I took a picture of her last Christmas and its
still printing.
3728. Yo momma is so fat god cant lift her spirit.
"Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?
3759. Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a
water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!
3760. Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!
3761. Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!
3762. Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over WalMart and landed on Target!
3763. Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by
the afternoon they're flats.
3764. Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.
3765. Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to
get up!
3766. Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
3767. Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use
all 4 sides of the milk carton.
3768. Yo mamma's so old, she ows Jesus $3.
3769. Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare.
3770. Yo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter.
3771. Yo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball
machine.
3772. Yo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her
some money.
3773. Yo mamma's so stupid, it took her ten minutes to cook Minute Rice.
3789. Yo mama is so cross eyed, when she cries, tears go down her
back.
3790. Yo mama is so stupid, it took her an hour and a half to watch 60
minutes.
3791. Yo mama is so ugly, she has to wear a steak around her neck to
get the dog to play with her.
3792. yo mama is so cross eyed, she looks out the front door and sees
the back yard.
3793. Yo mama is so old, she has a Jesus Starter jacket.
3794. Yo Mama so fat she could sell shade.
3795. Yo Mama so fat when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
3796. Yo Mama so fat if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his
word for it!
3797. Yo mama's so fat she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I
could eat a horse!"
3798. Yo Mama so old her social security # is 1.
3799. Yo mama so poor when I rang the doorbell of her house the toilet
flushed
3800. Yo mama is so poor when I went through front door of her house I
ended up in the backyard
3801. Yo mama is so poor when I went into her house and stepped on a
ciggarette, she said,"hey who turned off the heater?"
3802. Yo mama is so poorwhen I went into her house a cockroach tripped
me and an ant stole my wallet.
says...."Well?"
3834. Yo momma's breath stinks so bad that every time she burps her
teeth have to duck!
3835. Yo mamma's so stupid she makes elmo look smart.
3836. Yo mamma's soo fat she makes larry king look skinny.
3837. Yo Mamma is so fat that when she went to the zoo, the hippos got
jealous.
3838. Yo moma's so fat when a lemon touches her, she peels.!!!
3839. Yo moma's teeth are so gaped when she went to a gap store they
kicked a field gooal through her teeth!
3840. Your momma is so fat she's not allowed to wear a Malcolm X jacket
because they're afraid helicopters might land on her.
3841. Yo momma is so poor she cursed out the lady at McDonalds
because they wouldn't put a small fries and a coke in layaway.
3842. Yo momma is so ugly she stuck her face out the window and she
got arrested for mooning!
3843. Yo Momma so fat she was born on the 8th, 9th and 10th of July.
3844. Yo mama so fat she walked past me & her shadow broke my foot.
3845. Yo mama so fat this morning I had coffee with 2 lumps, her and her
mother.
3846. Yo mama so fat the curtains have made her a lovely skirt.
3847. You mom is so ugly that when she walked out of a pet store the
alarm went off!
3892. Your Mama's so stupid she ordered her sushi well done!
3893. Your Mama's so stupid she died before the police arrived because
she couldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1"!
3894. Your Mama's so stupid she sold the house to pay the mortgage!
3895. Your Mama's so stupid when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her
rearview mirror, she turned around!
3896. Your Mama's so stupid she'd have to be twice as smart to become
a half-wit!
3897. Your Mama's so stupid when the judge said "Order in the court,"
she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."!
3898. Your Mama's so stupid when her husband lost his marbles she
bought him new ones!
3899. Your Mama's so stupid when she worked at McDonald's and
someone ordered small fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are
gone."!
3900. Your Mama's so stupid she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's
holiday album!
3901. Your Mama's so stupid she thought asphalt was a skin disease!
3902. Your Mama's so stupid she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum!
3903. Your Mama's so stupid she couldn't tell which way an elevator was
going if I gave her two guesses!
3904. Your Mama's so stupid if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have
enough to blow her nose!
3905. Your Mama's so stupid I saw her walking down the street yelling
into an envelope, I asked what she was doing, and she said sending a
voice mail!
3906. Your Mama's so stupid she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed!
3907. Your Mama's so stupid she went to a Whalers game to see
Shamu!
3908. Your Mama's so stupid she thought the Internet was something you
catch fish with!
3909. Your Mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job
application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."!
3910. Your Mama's so stupid she put a peephole in a glass door!
3911. Your Mama's so stupid she went to a Clippers game to get a hair
cut!
3912. Your Mama's so stupid when I gave her a dollar and asked for a
quater back, she gave me Dan Marino!
3913. Your Mama's so stupid she thought she could get food stamps at
the post office!
3914. Your Mama's so stupid she tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a
cliff!
3915. Your Mama's so stupid she tried to mail a letter with food stamps!
3916. Your Mama's so stupid I saw her in the frozen food section with a
fishing rod!
3917. Your Mama's so stupid she thought hamburger helper came with
another person!
3918. Your Mama's so stupid she called the 7-11 to see when they
closed!
3919. Your Mama's so stupid when we drove past the YMCA she said
"Hey look, they spelled macy's wrong!"
3920. Your Mama's so stupid she jumped off a building in attempt to fly
because she thought her maxi pad had wings!
3921. Your Mama's so stupid the worst six years of her life were grade
three!
3922. Your Mama's so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and peed her
pants!
3923. Your Mamma is so short.... she could hang-glide on a potato chip.
3924. Your momma is so fat, when she goes swimmin, she leaves a ring
around the lake!
3925. Your momma's so fat she sat on a penny and Abraham Lincoln
started singing, "Oh say can you see, get your fat butt off me!"
3926. Your Mommas so poor that when some kid stole her skate board
she said "Hey who took the family car?"
3927. Your Mama's So Ugly she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she was
hit with the ugly log!
3928. Your Mama's So Ugly kids dress up as her for Halloween!
3929. Your Mama's So Ugly I took her to the zoo and the guy at the door
said "Thanks for bringing her back."!
3930. Your Mama's So Ugly if you looked up ugly in the dictionary her
picture would be next to it!
3931. Your Mama's So Ugly people hang her picture in their cars so their
radios don't get stolen!
3932. Your Mama's So Ugly people hang her picture in their basements to
3946. Your Mama's So Ugly she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with
rocks!
3947. Your Mama's So Ugly she looks like she got hit with a bag of "What
the fuck?!?!"!
3948. Your Mama's So Ugly she hurts my feelings!
3949. Your Mama's So Ugly she gets 7 years bad luck when ever trying to
look at herself in the mirror!
3950. Your Mama's So Ugly Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
3951. Your Mama's So Ugly even the elephant man paid to see her!
3952. Your Mama's So Ugly even the tide won't come back in!
3953. Your Mama's So Ugly that if ugly were a crime, she'd get the
electric chair!
3954. Your Mama's So Ugly they rub tree branches on her face to make
ugly sticks!
3955. Your Mama's So Ugly she has to trick or treat over the phone!
3956. Your Mama's So Ugly she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares!
3957. Your Mama's So Ugly my dog took one look at her and ran away!
3958. Your Mama's So Ugly her pillow cries at night!
3959. Your Mama's So Ugly she has a sign in her yard that says "Beware
of Dog."!
3960. Your Mama's So Ugly that when she was a baby, her parents had to
feed her with a slingshot!
3961. Your Mama's So Ugly you're dad first met her at the pound!
3962. Your Mama's So Ugly when she was born, the doctor slapped her
and her parents!
3963. Your Mama's So Ugly she tied a pork chop around her neck and the
dog still wouldn't play with her!
3964. Your Mama's So Ugly if she were a scarecrow, the corn would run
away!
3965. Your Mama's So Ugly it looks like she ran the 100 yard dash in a 90
yard gym!
3966. Your Mama's So Ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip
joints!
3967. Your Mama's So Ugly when she moved into the projects, all her
neighbors chipped in for curtains!
3968. Your Mama's So Ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the
surveillance cameras!
3969. Your Mama's So Ugly she has to creep up on water to get a drink!
3970. Your Mama's So Ugly her mama had to tie a steak around her neck
to get the dog to play with her!
3971. Your Mama's So Ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried
out for Star Wars!
3972. Your Mama's So Ugly they know what time she was born, because
her face stopped the clock!
3973. Your Mama's So Ugly she practices birth control by leaving the
lights on!
3974. Your Mama's So Ugly we put her in the kennel when we go on
vacation!
3975. Your Mama's So Ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down!
3976. Your Mama's So Ugly Greenpeace mistook her for an endangered
elephant!
3977. Your Mama's So Ugly her face is like a peice of modern art you
can't tell what it is!
3978. Your Mama's So Ugly Medusa is jealous!
3979. Your Mama's So Ugly her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel!
3980. Your Mama's So Ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!!
3981. Your Mama's So Ugly she has to creep up on her makeup!
3982. Your Mama's So Ugly it looks like she's been bobbing for french
fries!
3983. Your Mama's So Ugly when she was born the doctor smacked
everyone!
3984. Your Mama's So Ugly when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump
on the table and start screaming!
3985. Yo mama is so ugly that even Bob the Builder said, "We cant fix it."
3986. Yo mama is so fat when she put on a Malcolm x t-shirt a helicopter
landed!
3987. Yours truly, mamma is so fat that when she weighed herself on the
scales, it came up with her telephone number!
MUSIC JOKES:
3988. 1504. A viola player dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates,
Once he gets there, St. Peter points to where the heavenly jazz band is
forming. The guy goes there and sees all of the greats that ever lived...
Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Miles Davis, everybody! Duke Ellington was
conducting the band. "Duke, this is some kind of band! I mean, you've got
everybody here! This is great!" "Yeah" Duke replies, "it's okay." The jazz
player is shocked. "OK? This is the greatest band ever!" Duke replied,
Yeah, the band's great. But see, God has this girlfriend, and she sings!
3992. A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
asks the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, " I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!"
3993. Fritz Kiser and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In
the middle of the music, Kiser got lost and turned around to ask
Rachmaninov, "Where are we?" Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
3994. A violin player came home one day to find his house burnt to the
ground, and policemen, firemen etc, standing around. He went up to one
and asked, "What happened to my house?" The policeman replied, "Well,
the conductor came to your house at -" The violinist interrupted in
amazement, "The conductor? Came to my house?!"
3995. An orchestra was rehearsing a contemporary symphony in which
there was a particularly difficult jazz trumpet riff. However, none of the
trumpet players could play it. One trumpet player suggests they hire in a
jazz trumpeter. The conductor screams, "NO, NO, NO!! Jazz musicians
are irresponsible, can't play in tune, and are not real musicians!!" Finally,
they talk him into it. The next night at 7:57 (for an 8:00 rehearsal) the jazz
musician shows up carrying his trumpet in a paper bag. The conductor
decides to wait until after to yell at him. But the jazz-man plays the riff
perfectly the first time. The conductor tries to thank him after rehearsal,
but the cat is gone. The next couple of rehearsals go pretty much the
same way, with the cat actually playing the entire first trumpet part perfectly. Finally, the conductor grabs him after rehearsal and says, "You
know, at first I didn't want to hire you because I thought jazz musicians
were irresponsible and couldn't play in tune, but I must say you have
changed my mind. Thank you." The jazz-man says, "Well, cat, I figure it's
the least I could do since I can't make the gig!"
3996. One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him,
so he hid one of the drummer's sticks. After looking around for a few
minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his
knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: "Finally! The
miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"
3997. This old man was playing the fiddle at a barn dance. He was sitting
on an old pickle barrel and his pants zipper was unzipped. While playing,
the family jewels fell out and were hanging down in the barrel. An old lady
observed all of this and felt obligated to tell him what had taken place. She
went up to him and said, "Do you know your zipper's unzipped and all of
the family jewels are hanging in the pickle barrel?" The old man said, "No
lady, but if you can hum it, I'll play it!"
3998. A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a
bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild
laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." A week later the
guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you
need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. Still another
week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" The doctor,
worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to
figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" "I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get
something to eat!"
3999. Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing
Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at
this point, you must understand two things:
1. There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't
have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from
the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players
had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly
lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their
stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got
backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff
a few brews. When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that
they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks.
Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention
the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch
and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!" The remaining bassists
tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still
conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House.
While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion
in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that
something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages
of the score. When he gets down to there, Meltons going to have to slow
the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles
with the string with the other."
Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their
entrance, but one look at their conductor's face told them they were still in
serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all... It was the bottom of the
Ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied, there were two men
out, and the Count was full!
4000. How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a
trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing!
4001. A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came
back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make
him a great kisser?" "Nah" the first girl replied, "That dry, tight, tiny little
pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba
player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was
his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed, "Those huge, rubbery,
blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night
she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her
roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well" the first girl replied,
"his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
4002. Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a
couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go
and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took
his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great,"
says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom
Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a
Toreador at the same time!"
4003. Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the
other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies,
"That was no piccolo, that was my fife!"
4004. "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down
at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor" the man answered hopefully, "I
gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes" recalled the judge.,
"Twenty years!"
4005. "I'm told that Wagner's music is not as bad as it sounds!" - Mark
Twain
4006. What's a tuba for? 1-7/8" by 3-7/8" (unless you request full
cut). Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet!
4007. Once there was a viola player who was second chair in the
Winnipeg Symphony. He met a genie, who promised him three wishes. For
his first wish he asked to be a better musician, and he became first chair.
For his second wish, he asked to be an even better musician, and he
became first viola in the Berlin Symphony. For his third wish, he wished to
be an even better musician, and he ended up playing second violin in the
Winnipeg Symphony!
4008. A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first
rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's
Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to
the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as
last year!?"
4009. How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb? Two.
One to change it and the other to smash the old one on his forehead!
4010.
4013. When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met,
he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music
by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal. Afterwards, one
musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid
really knows his stuff!" The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did
you notice how flat his high E was at the end?!"
4014. So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward,
the guy in the robe says, You're going to spend eternity with this combo,
okay? There's a bass player named 'Magnus' and a pianist named 'Monk',
and any day now, we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.
"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." The
man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer!"
4015. How do you get 5 oboes in tune? Shoot 4 of them!
4016. Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? The bassoon burns longer!
4017. What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire!
4018. What is the definition of a half step? Two oboes playing in unison!
4019. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon
recital!
4020. What's an oboe? It's an ill wind that nobody blows good!
4021. What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has
the corpse on the inside!
4022. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't
have to retrain the cellists!
4023. How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? Write 'pp, expressive'!
4024. Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg
and wouldn't tell the bass player which one!
4025. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Only
one - but the guitarist has to show him first!
4026. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? Six.
One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the
light!
4027. Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? It
took him four hours to get the bass player out!
4028. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None.
The piano player can do that with his left hand!
4029. What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who has his or her own
alto clarinet!
4030. Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? So they
can park in the handicap zones!
4031. What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted!
4032. What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody
cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces!
4033. How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? You can almost hear
them!
4034. How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? You can't!
4035. How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? Shoot one!