Growing Up Masculine, Growing Up “Feminine JULIA T. WOOD —_—_— What does it mean to be masculine or feminine in cour society? The family introduces the child to the definitions, meanings, and values of gender in the child’ culture. The majority of males and females ‘embody these definitions, meanings, and values in their own communication, thus perpetuating exist- ing social and cultural views of ender. Gender identity is believed to Begin at an carly age. The year between a child's second and third birthdays isthe time during which gendered perceptions of toys, clothing, household objects, ames, and work are acquired (Fagot, Leinbach, ‘and O'Boyle, 1992). During this time period, chil- dren learn to identify others as boys and girls and to become aware that they themselves belong in one category or the other. ‘Today, two approaches dominate wnderstand- ing ofgendered family communication. Historical, scholars conceptualized gender as role bound, with women and men playing distinct parts in response to socialization and particular setings or circum stances in which their roles were embedded. From this role perspective, men and wonten “are seen as enacting roles that are separable, often comple mentary, and necessary elements tothe integrity of 37 the social settings or structures in which the roles are embediied” (Fox & Murry, 2000, 1163). This ‘approach reifes difference between the sexes and suggests that gender-specific socialization of boys dnd girls bots takes place in and reproduces differ- ent masculine and ferinine speech communities. Such communities are purported to represent dif- {ferent cultures—"people who have diferent ways of ‘speaking, acting, and interpreting, as well as dif- ferent values, priorities, and agendas” (MacGeorge etal, 2004, 144). For example, Martin, Wood, and Little (i990) argue that gender ideologies develop through a series of stages: Children in the fist stage learn what kinds of things are ditecly associated with each sex, such ‘as “boys play with cars, and girls play with dolls? “Around the ages of 4-6, children seem to move fo the second stage, where they begin to develop the ‘more indirect and complex associations for infor- ‘mation relevant fo their own sex but have yet (0 learn these associations for information relevant to the opposite sex. By the time they are 8, chil- dren move tothe third stage, where they have also learned the associations relevant to the opposite| | | ae PART Ih PERCEPTUAL PROCESSES AND COMMUNICATION sex, These children have mastered the gender concepts of masculinity and femininity that tink {information within and between the various con tent domains. (1893) ‘Thealternativeapproach views genderasasocialcon- struct that embodies cultural meanings af mascutin- ity and femininity essential, gender i conceived as “aconstituent element of social structures, intricately interwoven with other elements of socal structures suchas class and race, and tied tothe social distribu tion of societal resources” (Fox & Murry 2000, 364). “This approach assumes that “gender is disengaged from norms based on heterosexuality and power dif ‘erences between men and women, and relationships ‘are thought of in ters of equality rather than gen der differences” (Krsudson-Martin & Laughs 2005, “io). No matter how you choose to view gender, the rapidly changing word in which you lve wil present “you with increasingly ambiguous data Given the increasing diversity of family le, the social construction lens may be an increas: ingly valuable way to view gender in families. ba ‘ther words, many children no longer experience a dress rehearsal that prepares them for future family for relational life. Rather, more adults will have to “make it up as they go along” because, as the pos- sibilities expand, so does the nature of gendered amily experiences (Galvin, 2006). Recent research suggests that mothers and daughters develop unique communication patterns and turning points in their “ongoing rlationships(Fisher & Miller-Day, 2006) nthe following article, Wood presents themes of growing up for both males and females. She pro- tides the different socially understood expectations for most males and females in this society, and raises the issue of what happens when people do not ‘adapt to these gendered themes, Finally the ques- tion of growing up outside these conventional roles is addressed. Consider your own growing up as You read these themes, and consider this question: To twat extent are these gendered themes consistent with your youthful experience? REFERENCES Fagot, B. Leinbach, M, & O'Boyle, C. (992). Gender Tabeling, gender stereotyping, and parenting behaviors. Developmental Paehology, 28 25-250, rusher, & Mille-Day, M: (2008) Communication Ther the life span: The mother-ault daughter ‘cationehip In K. Floyd & M. T. Morman (E88), Widening the family cincle: New research on fa iy communication (pp. 3-19 Trousand Oaks, Ca: Sage fox, GL. & Murry, Vi M, (2000) Gender and am fiw Berninist perspectives and family research Tourna of Marriage ard the Family $2 160-172, Galvin, KM. (2006). Gender an fami interaction: ‘Dies rehearsal for an improvisation? fn B. Dow |, E- Wood (Bids), The SAGE handbook of gen- der and communication (pp. 41-53). Thowsand aks, CA: Sage Xnadson Martin, 8eLaughlin.M. (2008) Gender nd sexual orientation i fri therapy: Toward a posiender approach. Family Relations, 34, orn MacGeorge, E. Ln Graves, A. R., Feng, B. Gilliban, SJ. B Burleson, B, R. (04). The myth of gen der cultures: Sinilarities outweigh differences in imen’s and women's provision of and responses to supportive communication, Sex Roles, 50, 143-175 Martin, C. L., Wood, C. H., & Lite, J. K. (i990). The “development of gender stereotype components. Child Development, 61, 1891-390 ‘THE PERSONAL SIDE OF THE GENDER DRAMA ‘What does it mean to us as individuals to grow up masculine or feminine in present-day America? To answer this question, we'll translate the research we've considered into personal portraits of becoming gendered in our society. GROWING UP MASCULINE What does it mean to be masculine in the United Statesin the 2 century? To understand the advan. tages, challenges, and issues of masculinity, lets ‘consider what five college men say. In their com mentaries, Pte, Charles, Aaron, Derek, and Steve” focus as much on the pressures, expectations, an constraints of manhood as its prerogatives amprivileges. In his book The Male Experience, James K Doyle (1997) identifies five themes of masculin- dry, which are woven throughout the commen tories of these six men. We will consider each of these elements of the male roe, as well asa sixth that seems to have emerged since Doyle made his analysis, Don't be female seems to be the most funda- mental requirement for manhood. Early in life most boys learn they must not think, act, or feel tike girls and women. Any male who shows sensi- tivity or vulnerability is likely to be called a sissy ‘aceybaby, a mama's boy, or awimp (Kantrowitz & Kall, 19985 Pollack, 2000). The antifemale directive is at least as strong for African American men as for European American men. ‘When a young boy wants to hurt another boy, he is likely to call him by a name associated with femininity directly (girly) or indirectly (sissy) Even as adults, a favorite means of scorning of putting down men is to suggest that they are fem- nine, or like women, During the 2004 elections, Republicans labeled Democratic vice presidential candidate John Edwards “the Breck girl” while linking incumbents George W. Bush and Dick Cheney with real men who “fight for America.” "The second element of the male role isto be successful. Men are expected to achieve status in their professions, to “make it” Warren Farrell (0991) writes that men are regarded as “success objects” and their worth as marriage partners, friends, and men is judged by how successful they are at what they do. Training begins early ‘with sports, where winning is stressed (Messner, ooo). Peer groups pressure males to be tough, ‘aggressive, and not feminine (Lobel & Bar, 19975 Ponton, 1997) {Tihe theme of success translates not just into being good at what you do but into being bet- ter than others, more powerful then peers, pull- ing in a bigger salary than your neighbors, and having a more expensive home, car, and so on than your friends. Most men today...think that being a good provider the primary requirement for manhood—an internalized requirement that appears to cuit across lines of race and economic. class (Eagly, 1996; Ranson, 200). 4s Groning Up Massing, Growing UP Feminine 139 ‘A third injunction for masculinity is to be ‘aggressive. Even in childhood, boys are often rewarded for being daredevils and roughnecks (Cohen, 1997) ‘They are expected to take stands and not run from confrontations (Newburger, 1999: Pollack, 2000). Later, sports reinforce early training by emphasizing aggression, violence, and toughness (Messner, 2000). Coaches psych teams up with demands that they “make the other team hut, hurt, hurt” or “make them bleed.” ‘The masculine code tells men to fight, inflict pain ‘on others, endure pain stoically themselves, and win, win, win. Dr. Michael Miller (2003) says that many men don't seek help when they ate depressed because their gender identity is “tied up ‘with strength, independence, efficiency, and self ccontrot” (P. 72) Men's training in aggression may be linked to violence (Gordon, 1988; Kivel, 3999; Messner, 19974, 19976), especially violence against women. Because masculine socialization encourages ‘aggression and dominance, some men think they are entitled to dominate women. This belief sur- faces in studies of men who rape women (Costin & Schwartz, 1987; Scott & Tetreault, 987) and men who abuse girlfriends and wives (Gelles & Straus, 3988, Wood, 2001b, 2004). One study (Thompson, tai) reports that both college women and men ‘who are violent toward thetr dates have masculine gender orientations, reminding us again thet gen- dor and sex are n0t equivalent terms. "A fourth element of the male role is cap- tured in the injunction to be sexual, Men should be interested in sex—all the time, anytime. They are expected to have a number of sexual partnerss the more partners a man has the more of a stud he is Qhally & Katz, 2001). During rush, a frater- nity recently sent out invitations with the notation "Bx.0.A. which onc of my students translated for ‘me: Bring your own ass, Defining sexual conquest 4 a cornerstone of masculinity encourages men toviewand treat women as sex objects rather than as multidimensional human beings (Brownmniller, 1993: French, 1992). Finally, Doyle says the male sex role demands that men be selfzeliant. A “real man” doesn't need others, particularly women, He depends on i ereeeneli40. PART Ill: PERCEPTUAL PROCESSES AND COMMUNICATION himself. tekescare ofhimself,and reliesonnobody. ‘Autonomy is central to social views of manli- ness, As we noted earlier, male self development typically begins with differentiation from oth ts, and from infancy most boys are taught to be seléreliant and self-contained (Newberges, 1999: ‘Thompson & Pleck, 1987). Men are expected to be emotionally controlled, not to let feelings control them, and not to need others. In addition to the five themes of mascu Uinity identified by Doyle, a sixth seems to have emerged. This theme highlights the mixed mes- sages about being men that confront many boys ‘and men today: Embody and transcend traditional views of masculinity... or many men today, the primary source of pressure to be conventionally masculine is other men who enforce what psychologist William Pollack (2000) calls the “boy code.” Boys and, later, men encourage each other to be silent, tough, and independent and to take risks. Boys and men who don't measure up often face pet shaming (“You're a wuss,” “Do you do everything she tells you to do2”). Atthe same time, many men feel other pressures—often from romantic part ners, female friends, and mothers—to be more sensitive and emotionally open and to be a full partner in ranning a home and raising children. It’shard to be both traditionally male and not tra- ditionally male. Just as women in the 1960s and ag70s were confronted with mixed messages about being traditionally female and not, men today are negotiating new terrain and new ways of defining themselves. ‘What happens when men don't measure up to the social expectations of manhood? Some ‘counselors believe men's striving to live up to Social ideals of mascainity has produced an epi- demic of hidden male depression (Kahn, 1997). ‘Terrence Real is @ psychotherapist who special ines in treating depressed men. According to Real {G907), male depression is widespread, and so is society’ unwillingness to acknowledge it, because itis inconsistent with social views of masculintty. ‘Whereas depressed women suffer the social stigma of having emotional problems, Real says men who admit they are depressed suffer the double stigma of having emotional problems and being unmanky by society’s standards “These first five themes of masculinity clearly reflect gender socialization in early life and Jay out a blueprint for what being a man means. Yet, ive also see a sixth theme that points out and Challenges the contradictions in traditional and emerging views of masculinity. Individual men have options for defining and embodying mascu- Jinity, and many men are crafting non-traditional identities for themselves GROWING UP FEMININE ‘What does it mean to be feminine in the United states in the 21" century? Casual talk and media offer us two quite diferent versions of the modern ‘women. One suggests that women nov have it al. “They can get jobs that were formerly closed to them. and rise to the top levels oftheir professions; they ‘ean have egalitarian marriages with liberated men. and raise nonsexist children. Atthe same time, our calture sends us the quite different message that ‘women may be able to get jobs, but fewer than 20% will actually be given opportunities to advance to the highest levels of professional life. Crime sta- tistics warn us that the incidence of rape is rising, as is battering of women. We discover that mar- tied women may have careers, but more than 80% fof them stll do most of the housework and child care. And media relentlessly carry the message that youth and beauty are women’ tickets to suc- cess, Prevailing images of women are conflicting and confusing... We can identify five themes in current views of femininity and womanhood. "The first theme is that appearance still counts....women are still judged by their looks (Greenfield, 2002: Haag, 2000). To be desirable, they are urged to be pretty, slim, and well dressed. “The focus on appearance begins in the early years of life, when girls are given dolls and clothes, both of which invite them to attend to appearance. Gift catalogues for children regularly feature makeup Kits, adornments for hair, and even wigs s0 that {girls learn eatly to spend time and effort on look: inggood. Dolls, like the ever-popular Barbie, come swith accessories such as extensive wardrobes, © {girls learn that clothes and jewelry are important- geen magazines for girls are saturated with ads for jpakeup, det aids, and heir products, Central to terent cultural expectations for women is thi ‘hess, which can lead to harmful and sometimes fatal eating disorders (Davies-Popelka, 2000; Pike / steiegal-Moore, 997) “The ideals of feminine appearance ate com- _municated to women when they enter retail stores. Most mannequins in stores are size 0, 2, or 4, ‘which does not reflect the average size of real-life ‘women, Social prescriptions for feminine beauty are also made clear by the saleswomen, who are often hired because of their looks, not their exper ence or skills. Stores that market to young women like to hire people who are young, sexy, and good looking. According to Antonio Serrano, a for- ‘mer assistant store manager for Abercrombie and Fitch, he and other employees were told by upper management "to approach someone in the mall ‘who we think will look attractive in our store. But if someone came in who had lots of retail expe- rience and not a pretty face, we were told not to hire them at all” (Greenhouse, 2003, p. 10 Y7), Elysa Yanowitz, who wasa regional sales manager for LOreal stores, says she was pressured to hire physically attractive saleswomen and once told to fire a top-performing employee who was “not hot enough” (Greenhouse, 2003, p. 10 YT). ‘The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has brought suit against a number of companies for discriminating against people who do not meet the current ideals for attractiveness At Abercrombie and Fitch, The Gap, and throughout society in general, cultural ideals of feminine beauty continue to reflect primarily ‘White standards (Lont, 2001). Women of color may be unable to meet White standards of beauty on the one hand and, on the other, to reject the stan- dards that the culture prescribes (Garrod, Ward, Robinson, & Kilkenny, 1999; Haag, 2000). In acri- tique of Blacks’ acceptance of White standards of beauty, bell hooks (1995) describes the color caste system among Blacks whereby lighter skin is con- sidered more desirable. She also points out that some Black children learn early to devalue dark skin, and many Black men regard biracial women as the ideal. In a society as ethnically diverse as Growing Up Mazen, Growing Up Feminine 14h ‘ours, we need to question and challenge standards that reflect and respect only the identities of some groups. ‘Women athletes sometimes feel special pres sure to look feminine, Female Olympic competi- tors, despite being competitive and strong, are described by commentators in terms of feminine {deals (Clasen, 2001). lenny Thompson posed nude in Sports Illustrated, a resoundingly clear declara- tion of her femininity (Reilly, 000). She was fol lowed by other female athletes as Katarina Witt and Brandi Chastain, who posed nude or nearly nude (Reilly, 2000). Florence “Flojo” Grifith- Joyner was highly muscular and also wore daz: sling iridescent fingernail polish. ‘A second cultural expectation of women is to be sensitive and caring. Wornen feel pressure to be nice, deferential, and helpful in general, whereas men are not held to the same requirements (Simmons, 2002; Tavris & Baumgartner, 1983) In addition, girls and women are supposed to care about and for others, From assuming primary responsibility for young childzen to taking care of elderly, sick, and disabled relatives, women do the preponderance of hands-on caring (Cancian ‘& Oliker, 2000; Ferguson, 2000). By the time girls enter puberty, society, peers, and sometimes family encourage them to focus on pleasing others (Lally, 1996). Girls are encouraged to lose weight, to dress well, and,to use makeup so that others will find them attractive. They're taught to sofien their opinions and to accommo- date others, particularly males... For many girls, adolescence means shifting attention from devel coping and asserting identity to pleasing others. ‘At the opening of this chapter, T asked you what an ideal day would be like for you 10 years in the fature. When psychologist Barbara Kerr (ag97, 1999) asks this question of undergraduates inher classes, she reports a striking sex difference in responses. College men tend to describe theit perfect day like this: wake up and get into my car—a realy nice rebuilt 67 Mustang—and then I goto work—I think Ts some kind of manager of a computer ‘frrathen 1 go home, and when [get there, myva PART ssf is there tthe door (he hase really wc i tre) she hasadrinkforme, and shes made agreat mea We watch TV or may play withthe Rds” 87) Contrast the men's perfect day with this typical description fo college women: “sy wake up, and my husband and I get in our twin Jetas, end Igo tothe law firm where 1 work, Then afer work Igo home, and he’ pulling up im the UGriveway at the same time. We go in and have a las of nice wine, and we make an omelet together find eat by candlelight. Ten the nanny brings the tldren in and we play with them wntil bedtime” (3B) ‘Note that the typical male scenario features wives seho work but who also have drinks and @ meal Teady for husbands. Fewer and fewer college dwomen see thisas an ideal day—or life Yet, wom en's fantasy of shared responsibilities for bome fand family are not likely to be met unless there fare major changes in current patterns. A majority Of both women and men share the breadwinner tole relatively equally, but few have managed to ‘hare the homemaker and parenting role equally (Coontz, 2005; re & McGinn, 2003. °A thied persistent theme of femininity for women in Western cultures is negative treatment by others. Men students in. my class sometimes challenge this as a theme of femininity. They say ‘women are treated betfer than men. They point Dat that women—but not men—get free drinks at “Ladies” Night,” they get their meals paid by dates, and they can cry their way out of speeding tickets, However, these rather small advantages of being female don't compensate for more significant dis advantages such as being more subject to sexval fsseult, snore likely to live in poverty, and more Tikely to face job and salary discrimination. Tray in life, many children learn how soci- ety values each Sex. In the United States, sons are preferred, although the preference is less strong than in former eras (Starling-Lyons, 2003). In ‘some cultures the preference for males i so strong thet female fetuses are often aborted, and female infants are sometimes killed after birth (Erench, PERCEPTUAL PROCESSES AND COMMUNICATION sagas Hegde, 19990, 1999b; Pollitt; 2000). In other Cultures, female and male children are equally Galueds in still others, females are more valued {Cronk, 1993; Lepowsky, 1998) ‘Devaluation of femininity is not only built into cultural views but typically is internalized by individvals, inclading women. Negative treat: rent of females begins early and can be especially intense in girl's peer groups (Chester, 2001: Lamb, 002 Simmons, 200% Tavtis, 2002). Girls can be highly eritcal of other gies who are not pretty, thin, and otherwise feminine. ‘Research (Simmons, 2002, 2004; Underwood, 12003) showsthat many young girls engagein social aggression toward other girls. As the term implies, social aggression involves attacking others using focial, rather than physical, strategies. Unlike Physical aggression, social aggression is usually Indirect, even covert. It takes forms of spreadi hurtful rumors, excluding a girl from groups, and encouraging others to turn against a particular girl Social aggression among girls reflects their Internalization of negative social views of females. For instance, one of the most damaging forms of ‘aggression is spreading the rumor that one of the fils is a shit, Al these tactics rupture the rela fional network of the girls who are the targets of octal aggression, Social aggression peaks in girls between the age of 10 and 14 (Simmons, 2002) ‘Whi do young girls rely om indirect strategies of aggression? One reason appears tobe that, ever fat young ages, girls understand that they are sup- posed to be nice and everyone, so they fear that eing overtly mean to others would lead to disap, proval orpunishment (Simmons, 002) Instead of Jearning how to work through feelings of angen dislike, and so forth, young girls learn to hide those feelings and express them only indirectly. "To be superwomant isa fourth theme emerg- ing in cultural expectations of women. Jan's ‘sense of exhilaration at "being able to have ital” is tempered by the realization that the idea that women car have it all appears to be transfor foto the command that they must have ital 1° pot enough to best a homemaker and mother of to just have a career—young women seem v0 es they are expected to do it all,Women students talk with me frequently = Spout the tension they feel trying to figure out how = fo have a full family life and a successful career. ‘They tell me that they want both careers and fami- tiesand don’ see how they can make tall work. The physical and psychological tll on women who try odo ital is well documented (Coltrane & Adams, oot; Galvin, 2006; Greenberg, 20015 Orenstein, 3000), and it is growing steadily as women find that changes in the workplace are not paralleled by changes in home life. Perhaps it would be wise to remember that Wonder Woman, like Superman, is 2 comic-book character, nota viable model for real life. Instead of trying to have it all, simulta- neously, maybe it’s better to aim to have some of itall—some career, some famity—orall of some— falltime family focus or fulltime carcer focus. A final theme of femininity in the 19908 is. ‘one that reflects all of the others and the con- tradictions inherent in them: There is no single meaning of feminine anymore. A woman who is assertive and ambitious in a career is likely to meet with approval, disapproval, and curiosity from some people and to be applauded by oth- ers, At the same time, a woman who chooses to stay home while her children are young will be ed by some women and men, envied by others, and respected by still others... there are many ways to be feminine, and we can respect all of them. Prevailing themes of femininity in North America reveal both constancy and change, Traditional expectations of attractiveness and ‘ating for others persist, as does the greater like- Iihood of negative treatment by others. Yet, today there are multiple ways to define femininity and ‘womanhood, which may allow women with dif ferent talents, interests, and gender orientations to define themselves in diverse ways and to chart life courses that suit them as individuals GROWING UP OUTSIDE CONVENTIONAL GENDER ROLES Not every male and female grows up identify Jng with the gender society prescribes for him or her. For people who do not identify with and embody the prescribed gender role, growing M4: Growing Up Masculine, Growing Up Feminine 143 up is particularly difficult, Gay men are often socially ostracized because they are perceived as feminine, while lesbians are scorned for being masculine, Social isolation also greets many people who are (or are thought to be) transgendered... [Son ‘material dropped). They find themselves trapped ina society that rigidly pairs males with mascu- linity and females with femininity. There are no in-between spaces: there is no room for blurring those rigid lines; there are no binary choices of male/female and masculine/feminine. For people who do not fit the conventional sex and gender roles, it is hard to find role models and equally dif- ficult to find acceptance from family, peers, and society (Berlant & Warner, 1998; Fausto-Sterling, 2000; Feinberg, 1996; Glenn, 2002) REFERENCES Berlant, In, & Warner, M (998)-Sexcin public. Critical Inquiry, 24, 347-566. BrowamillerS. i993, January 4). Making female bod ies the battlefield, Newsweek, 37 Cancian, F, & Oliker, §. (2000). Caring and gender. ‘Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Chester, . (001). Woman's inhumanity to woman, New York, NY: Thunder’s Mouth Press/Nation Books. Clasen, P.R, W. (200m) The female athlete: Dualisms nd paradox in practice. Women and Language, 2436-41 Cohen, L. 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Soctal aggression among girls New York, NY: Guilford Press QUESTIONS/THOUGHTS 1, How might you wish to socialize a child born today into what it means to be a male or female in this society? How might this socialization differ from your childhood messages regarding ‘gender? How are male and female socialized into media use in families? 2, To what extent do you think the themes pre- sented by Wood remain relevant in the social contexts in which you find yourself? Are they ‘more visible in one context than in another? 3 Interview a person from a culture other than your own about her or his culture's views of ity and femininity. How are these views similar to those of yout culture? How are they different? 4. Think of a family you know, How does family storytelling reflect gender beliefs in that family? Do adult males and fernales tell different types ‘of tories? Do male or female children hear dif ferent stories? What does an important family story say about members’ gender beliefs? [eproted from lia T. Wood, “Growing Up Masculine Growing Up Feminine” In GENDERED LIVES, Communication, Gender, and Culture (eth Yet, ath chs pp. 179-190. Copyright © 2005 by Wadsworth, @ part. of Cengage Lenrning, Inc. Reproduced by permission vwworcenpigecom/permisions