This still feels like a bad dream. Our nightmare.

He was perfect. He belonged to me, and while riding to the hospital I never
thought that I would be leaving the hospital without him. At 41 week weeks
pregnant all I could think about was how excited I was to meet our baby.
Finally. We kept the sex a surprise until delivery, just to add that one more
bit of excitement. What would happen next makes everything else in the
world trivial, and until one experiences a loss like this, you cant imagine
the pain and agony. My healthy baby boy died while I was in labour. So
incredibly rare, they tell me. This news doesnt make anything any easier
to digest. I just want him. Only him. He is all I think about every minute of
every day. He was my perfect boy.
We were admitted around 430, due to some meconium that I had noticed
around 2am. I woke Bruce up to tell him around 330 that we should get
moving and make our way to the Hospital. My contractions had started
around 6pm Saturday night, we were told by all our friends and family we
had a long road ahead of us and that we should go to bed and try and get
some sleep. So we did. I woke up around 2am and started timing my
contractions, but I was having a difficult time trying to get the timing to
make sense. They seemed around 2-3 minutes long, and were still mild at
this point, with no real break between the contractions. I must be doing
something wrong. I woke Bruce up and called the Hospital to await further
instructions. Due to the meconium I had seen earlier, we should drive down
and get checked out. So, we did. Bruce phoned his parents on the way to
tell them we were heading to the hospital. We expected them to arrive later
that day from Prince George. Once the baby had arrived of course.
The first doctor that I saw decided right after seeing me that due to the
meconium they would have to admit me. Meconium (baby poop) is very
common with overdue babies, but that they would monitor me from then on
out. I had the machines on, and the baby seemed happy, with a steady
heartbeat. The next doctor was named Dr. Rachel Bright. She was very
soft spoken and very kind. They were still having trouble tracking my

contractions. There seemed not to be much of a break between my mild

contractions, but I was only 1 cm dilated. Dr. Bright said to me, that she
felt we should start to speed things up and that I should start to think
about the possibility of a caesarian section. Which was not what I wanted
in the least. I was very specific about my wishes for a natural birth with
Bruce, and that he needed to remind me of that if the time came. I was in
the middle of texting a few friends to tell them we were in labour, and I
expressed to my sister in law Lyndsey and my friend Corina that I wasnt
happy about having to consider a c-section so early on in the process.
They both assured me that it was ok if that happened, and that we just
needed the best option for both baby and I. Having one was perfectly
acceptable and they were just thrilled we were going through the motions
to have this baby. I do admit, I did feel better once they assured me. I just
wanted this baby out. By now, Dr. Bright had instructed the nurses to
unhook the machines and for me to walk around for a bit, and go to the
bathroom. Maybe that would get baby going, and the contractions would
get stronger. So thats what we did. I walked around, went to the
bathroom, and sat on the bouncy ball for a little less than an hour. What
would happen next would be the worst time of our lives. We had no idea
what waited around the corner for us.
Dr. Bright came in and started talking to me about starting the oxytocin to
induce labour, she wasnt happy about how my contractions werent
processing. As she spoke to me the nurses, worked on getting the heart
monitor back on the baby. They were having trouble. I looked at Bruce
and he was staring at the time, thinking how silly they must be not to be
able to find a heartbeat that was there a short time ago. Then there was
two nurses looking for the heartbeat, and now Dr. Bright. All they could
find was the maternal heartbeat. Before I knew it, there were several
nurses in the room all trying their ways of locating the heartbeat, and then
they called for the sonogram. Now I was starting to panic, I looked at
Bruce and he had lost that reassuring face he had moments ago. Dr.
Bright looked on the sonogram and explained that she wasnt very good at

them, as she hardly ever used them, and instructed the nurse to locate Dr.
Mooliard, the obstetrician. He was much more familiar with how the use
the machine, and would be more efficient. I knew something was horribly
wrong, while watching the sonogram. Dr. Bright walked away from the
machine and stood beside me and put her hand on my shoulder. We all
stared at the machine. Dr. Mooliard pointed to the heart on the
sonogram. It wasnt moving. He looked at me and said Im so sorry.
Bruce rushed to my side, and I sobbed uncontrollably. The doctors and
nurses all scattered and left the room so that Bruce and I could be alone.
We just cried. How could this be? Impossible, less than an hour ago, we
heard the steady and what we thought was a healthy heart beat. A million
feelings and emotions running through my mind. I am broken, I know that
our lives will never be the same. These things only happen to strangers, or
on TV. We are good people we dont deserve to have our son ripped away
from us. But he was. What now? I am numb as I try to think about the fact
that I have a dead child inside of me, and he/she has to yet to be born.
Who delivers a full term, non-complicated pregnancy, as a stillborn? My
heart just aches. My husband sobs in the bathroom as he phones our
family and friends who were on standby for the exciting news. He has to
tell our parents that the baby has died. A shock to everyone. His parents
were on the next flight out. I stare at the wall and say nothing. I just do
what the doctors say and wait.
Meanwhile Bruces parents, Kelly and Marilyn arrive, and we all just sob.
What was supposed to a highlight for them with their first grandchild, has
turned into their nightmare too. A few hours later my best friend Carly
arrives. She jumped on a flight from Prince George and met her parents at
the airport who had been at their vacation home in Penticton. My close
friend Krysta arrives sometime in the afternoon. My sister drove in from
Kamloops. I was feeling happy to have so many people there but was
overwhelmed with everything that was about to take place.

The doctors wanted to induce me in order to try and deliver our baby
naturally, which is a safer option than a caesarian. I am on another planet,
and I want to feel no pain. I have an epidural so that they can use oxytocin
to bring on labour. I feel no pain, but there is no progression. After 12
hours I was no more dilated, still only one centimetre. I also have a fever at
this point, and I am on some sort of antibiotics. They arent sure whats
wrong with me yet, so they are taking some precautions. There must be an
infection. They think its strange that I am now showing signs of
something.
Next option would be cervitol, which can take up to 24 hours to get me to
dilate. I am on so many drugs and trying not to cry every 2 minutes, I just
dont care anymore what happens to me. My dead child is inside me and I
cant have him. After 6 hours and still no progress, we are at 4am, 24
hours after we arrived at the hospital. I am done. After this many hours my
contractions never got stronger, and still were 3-4 minutes long, with 30
seconds break sometimes in between. My nurse, Sharn, stays by my side
the entire time tracking my contractions. Still not understanding why they
are so bizarre. Dr. Bright informs me after another internal exam that
there is still no more dilation. I can wait more if I like, and take more for
pain. I ask the doctor for a caesarian section. I cant take it anymore. She
asks if I am sure, and that she respects my wishes. She calls Dr. Mooliard
to inform him that I have decided that I am having a caesarian. I am going
to the front of the line, he will start me at 730 this morning, pushing back
the rest of the surgeries for the day in order to get our baby out. We still
dont know at this point whether its our son our or daughter I have yet to
deliver.
I am laying on the cold metal table, shaking uncontrollably. I am clenching
my jaw to try and stop shaking, but I cant. I am not sure if I am shaking
from being scared, or because I am shock that this is the stage we are at.
Bruce is right behind me sitting on a stool, wearing the mandatory scrubs.
I have a spinal tap that they have already put in, and I cant feel anything

from the chest down. I am not sure what stage they are at with the
surgery, as they dont really tell me much. Dr. Bright has chosen to assist
Dr. Mooliard with the caesarian. One of my nurses, Chelsea, even stayed
after her shift was over to walk me to surgery (she had stayed with me all
night), and then I found out later she went to our room to sit with my
mother in law. You just dont find many people out there like that.
I was shaking so badly on the table that the anesthesiologist was holding
my hand, telling me it was going to be ok. Both Bruce and him told me to
stop clenching my jaw and let the shakes happen. It was ok. Our nurse
during the surgery was Sam, we would have her the whole day. She came
over and asked us Do you guys know what you are having? to which we
both replied that we didnt. Do you want to know now? Yes we both
said at the same time. Its a boy she said in a calm voice. Its a boy! I
cried out. I was so happy to have a boy. I didnt know the sheer joy I
would feel knowing that we had a son. Its like somebody knew that was
exactly what I wanted. I was also a bit shocked, as I completely thought we
were having a girl. I wanted nothing more in the entire world, than to have
him.
She brought him over to us wrapped in two large blankets. He was
absolutely perfect. Do you have a name for him? Sam asked us. Bruce
replied before I could and said Yes we do, its Kingston. We both cried
as he laid on my chest, motionless. His perfect little mouth was partially
open, and his lips were purple. I remember thinking that his eyes would
never open, and I would never know his eye color. Something that I had
always thought about, was what color his eyes would be. Like me, more on
the green side, or like his dad, blue. I had secretly hoped for bright blue
ones, like his Grandma Marilyn.
After a few minutes I asked Sam to take him (knowing we were going to
have some time with him back in our room), I couldnt move my arms well
enough to hold him properly with all the IV lines, and the blood pressure
cuff on my other arm.

The next thing I remember was when I woke up in recovery. Bruce was in
the room and I had two recovery nurses with me. I know the one was the
one that wheeled me up to my room, but I dont remember much else.
Once we got to our room I am told that they brought Kingston to us about
an hour later. I dont remember the time line at all. I just remember crying.
Sobbing as they put him in my arms. I was almost scared to hold him, as I
knew that I would never want to let him go. The longer he stayed with us,
the harder it would be to say goodbye. A mother should NEVER have to
say goodbye to her baby. I was so in love with him, I never thought that my
heart could love something so much. Bruces parents were with us in our
room. We all sobbed as we talked about him, and looked at him, and held
him. I couldnt tell you how long he was with us for, it was a blur.
He was a complete mix of us. He had my eyes (shape) and my nose, which
Bruce was happy about. He had Bruces lips and chin. He had big feet and
hands for a baby, we all laughed. He was 6 lbs and 15 ounces, and 21
inches long, of complete perfectness. Marilyn took lots of pictures which I
am so thankful for now. Our perfect boy.
Today is April 21 st , and I have just finished my 3 rd dose of antibiotics. Our
baby son, was infected with a rare bacteria that took his life in the last 34 days of gestation. We had a healthy, beautiful son who succumbed to
something that he and I had zero control over. There were no warning
signs. This extremely rare and aggressive bacteria entered the uterus. Its
a warm place with lots of nutrients, the bacteria grew rapidly. Kingston
didnt have a chance. His poor little body was infected with the bacteria
and my uterus was sick. This explains the odd contractions. We know now
that, our Kingston passed from organ failure, and his heart was the last
organ to go. The timing was just strange that it had stopped while I was
off the monitors for a short time. Had he managed to survive until
delivery, he would have been born on life support, and may have only lived
a few days. We then would have been required to make the horrifying
decision to remove his little body from life support. Something that may

have killed me. Our doctor assured us that she has been through that
process and its the worst thing she has ever witnessed. I believe her. We
have just been through the other worst thing she has ever witnessed.
The chance of this happening to anyone is less than 1%. We are now a
statistic. They assure me that this is so incredibly rare that it would never
happen to us again. Both my doctors have never seen this strain of
bacteria in their respective careers, and only know of it by other rare
cases. I was on IV antibiotics my whole hospital stay which was until the
Wednesday (April 1 st ), with oral antibiotics to be continued after. I
decided in hospital that I wanted to go away, escape from everything. I
didnt want to go home and see the house that was totally prepared to
bring home a baby. I also had no interest in communication with anyone. I
wanted to crawl into my bed and never come out. The only thing I asked
was that all the baby things be put in Kingtons room with the door shut,
and that my dogs were at home to greet me (they had been brought to the
kennel the night before when I was in labour). It was decided by Bruce and
his parents that we would fly home to Prince George on Saturday. Kelly
and Marilyn would drive our vehicle to Prince George for the 8 hour trek
with our dogs, as I was in no condition to drive. Very much appreciated.
Saturday night after we had been in Prince George a few hours, my fever
was borderline and my appetite was none existent. Off to the Prince
George hospital we went. More IV antibiotics for the next 3 days, along
with more oral antibiotics. After a follow up with Dr. Mooliard when we
returned home, to look at my caesarean incision, he took another culture
and decided that the infection wasnt gone. Another round of antibiotics
that would be specifically targeted at this particular strain of bacteria.
I can say that I feel that I am on the mend physically. The infection seems
to have gone. My c-section has healed well, and I forget that I even have
it.

Emotionally we are still reeling from our loss, and I dont know that we will
ever recover. Bruce and I both agree that this makes us want the family we
were supposed to have even more. Our family and our friends are all
grieving for us and for their loss. We lost of member of our family that has
changed us in a way that we will never forget. I feel empty and naked
without the baby on my hip I had expected to take over our lives.
We want to say thank you to all the people that jumped on a plane or in a
car to get to us. All the people that sent us flowers, emails and text
messages. Though we didnt reply, we felt the love and support that we
needed. Our journey is far from over and I still cry most every day. I dont
know when we will be able to go on as usual. We know that we want to have
a family and know that one day we will. Kingston lives on in us, and his
memory will be celebrated. Our beautiful son is somewhere looking down
on us hopefully with his dads big grin. Until we meet again my sweet boy.
Jody & Bruce