13 Things Mentally Strong

People Dont Do
Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your
Fears, and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success
Amy Morin

Copyright 2014 by Amy Morin. Published by arrangement with William

Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers
getAbstract 2015

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Take-Aways
Practicing 13 mental strength habits can help you handle setbacks,
misfortunes and losses. The habits are:
Refrain from self-pity and reach for gratitude. Control your life instead of
letting others do it for you; retain your power.
Welcome change, but never dwell on matters that you cant affect.
Since you cant change long-ago events, refuse to let them bedevil you.
Maintain a bi-locus of control; dont be a victim of fate, luck or
destiny.
Realize that you cant satisfy everybody.
Take reasonable risks that youve thought through. Learn the lessons from
your mistakes and keep going after you fail.
Be happy for others who appear to be doing well. Avoid feeling bitter.
Feeling entitled to success will just make you unhappy, so avoid it. Dont
expect immediate satisfaction. Be patient.
Treasure opportunities to be by yourself.

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Review
Everyone suffers bad experiences career disappointments, losses and
misfortunes. If you wonder why some people weather setbacks and challenges
better than others, psychotherapist Amy Morin has an answer: They practice
strategies that help keep them mentally strong. Her explanations of 13
behaviors to avoid and good habits to develop in their place and the stories
she tells with each entry will spur you to think about how you handle
whatever comes your way. getAbstract recommends Morins straightforward,
relevant counsel to those seeking greater psychological strength in their
personal and professional lives. She will help you skip the pity party, see
failures as opportunities, not defeats, and find more peace of mind.

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Summary
Are You Mentally Strong?
Mental strength is the capacity to control your feelings, discipline your
thinking and take a hopeful attitude, even in the face of adversity. Everyone
has some level of mental strength, and you can train yourself to enhance yours.
Genetics, your character and the experiences you go through can affect the
intensity of your mental strength. Although youre born with your DNA, you
have the power to alter or influence your character and your reaction to
difficult experiences by working on three factors:
1. Your thoughts Strive to substitute sensible ideas for illogical ones.
2. Your behaviors Actively solve problems, face your fears and behave
productively.
3. Your emotions Youre in charge of your feelings not the other way
around.
Mental strength doesnt require you to act tough, think only positive thoughts
or reject assistance from others. You dont need to suppress your emotions.
Mental strength calls for thinking realistically and rationally. For decades,
psychotherapists have urged their patients to pursue mental strength. It can help
you cope with lifes strains and challenges, give you self-assurance, and enable
you to reach your full potential. Mentally strong people avoid 13 specific
behaviors:
1. They Dont Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves
Are you prone to feeling too much sympathy for yourself? Do you feel that no
one else faces the same kind of trouble? Do you sense that youre facing
constant injustice? Some people use self-pity as a tactic to gain attention or
avoid responsibility. Thats a harmful habit. Self-pity can spur constant
pessimism, lead to ignoring your blessings and become a self-fulfilling
prophecy. Mentally strong people leave the pity party behind and choose to
feel and act positively. Even taking seemingly unrelated steps can help redirect
your emotions. Assist a charity, volunteer in your neighborhood or pursue a
new interest that will distract you. Other strategies include: 1) Write about the
aspects of your life that you appreciate; 2) purposely shift your focus to
positive thoughts; and 3) teach yourself and others, like your kids, gratitude.
Youll feel better, physically and emotionally.
2. They Dont Give Away Their Power
As a mentally strong person, retain your power. Allowing other individuals
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to have power over your thoughts, feelings and behavior drains your mental
strength. Giving away your power has a negative impact. If you let others
determine how you feel or act, and avoid dealing with your own issues, youll
make yourself susceptible to disparagement. Dont be a passive victim when
you can take the reins and be the actor in your own life. These tactics will help
you:
Recognize when you start to hold other people and circumstances
responsible for your thoughts and feelings. Take accountability.
Reframe your expressions. My boss makes me so mad is not accurate.
No one is forcing your actions or emotions.
React to trouble in a measured manner instead of flying off the handle.
Take criticism in stride, and analyze it logically.
Understand that life doesnt compel you to do things youre actually
choosing to do.
3. They Dont Shy Away from Change
Do you fear change? Do you procrastinate or make excuses because you fret
that altering some situation will make it worse? Whatever shift youre
considering starting a family, curbing an unhelpful habit or attempting
something new change can be intimidating. Change unfolds in five stages:
1) During precontemplation, youre unaware that change would benefit you;
2) During contemplation, you weigh the pluses and minuses of change; 3)
During preparation, you identify your road map to change; 4) During the
action phase, you take steps to bring about a change, like renting a new
place; and 5) During maintenance, you do what the situation requires if you
hit barriers.
Many people stay with the status quo rather than risk feeling uncomfortable or
nervous. Avoiding change can leave you unchallenged, left behind and mired
in a static existence. Embrace change by creating a plan for pursuing a specific
alternative. Select a short-term goal, identify what you need to do differently to
meet it, try to foresee potential barriers, and ask others to observe your
improvement and hold you responsible for succeeding.
4. They Dont Focus on Things They Cant Control
Mentally strong people understand that some situations and events are outside
their power to influence. How you handle such issues depends on your locus
of control whether its external and you feel like the victim of fate, luck
or destiny or internal and you feel like youre in charge. How your parents
raised you and what youve encountered in life shapes your locus of control.
While an internal locus may be healthier, it isnt the only answer. Attempting
to manage all the shifting circumstances in your life can lead to isolation,
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anxiety and a loss of self-regard, as well as consume your time and energy.
Try to recognize what you have power over and what you dont. Strategies to
accomplish this include: 1) Asking, What am I so afraid of? to identify what
scares you; 2) Listening to others instead of dictating to them; and 3)
Accepting your circumstances without necessarily approving of them.
5. They Dont Worry About Pleasing Everyone
Do you hasten to assuage other peoples feelings? Do you worry about how
others view you? You may be a pleaser, a behavior people learn in
childhood. You can carve a healthier path if you learn to live according to
[your] values without worrying about upsetting others. People pleasing can
be detrimental for several reasons. Your perception of others wants and needs
might be inaccurate. Trying to please contributes to inauthentic relationships
and can lead you to live your life in artificial, unsatisfying ways, putting
others priorities ahead of your own. Instead:
Ask yourself what you want before automatically reacting to others
demands.
Determine your life values, such as family or your job, and prioritize
pursuing them.
Dont commit to doing something the minute someone asks. Think before
you answer.
Rehearse assertiveness so you can handle conflicts in a healthy manner.
6. They Dont Fear Taking Calculated Risks
People sidestep risk because they are afraid. They often mistakenly assume that
their fears accurately predict the amount of risk a situation entails. To make
progress, separate your feelings from decisions about risk taking. To assess risk
more accurately, be sure that youre considering facts and not indulging your
emotions. Understand the difference between skill and chance and recognize
that you cant rely on other people to distinguish risky situations from safe
ones. Calculate an actions potential benefits, its costs, and the results and
ramifications if you do it or dont do it. When you take a risk, you must reflect
on its impact on your life.
7. They Dont Dwell on the Past
Mentally strong people dont obsess over events in the past. They know
focusing on the past can keep them from making progress in the present. If old
errors or memories haunt you, shift your thinking about them by using the
following tactics: Try carving out a specific time to think about them. Distract

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yourself with a different topic, such as what goals youd like to accomplish
going forward. Create a new way to weave the story about an incident you
regret. And finally, make peace with the past by doing the following:
Realizing that its okay to let it go and seek the future instead.
Understanding the cost of your obsession with the past.
Forgiving yourself or someone who injured you.
Engaging in desirable activities even if they bring up bad memories.
Going to a therapist to help you gain some perspective.
8. They Dont Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over
Mentally strong people strive to learn from their errors and not make them
again. Being a repeat offender can keep you from accomplishing your goals,
allow problems to fester and harm your relationships. To avoid repeating a
mistake, scrutinize it closely. Ask yourself, What went wrong? What could
I have done better? What can I do differently next time? Then, map out a
plan to avoid the error again. Decide what actions will replace and improve
upon your earlier behavior. Watch for red flags that indicate youre going in an
unhelpful direction. Other strategies include complimenting yourself on your
progress, staying focused on your objectives, enforcing limits on yourself and
making a list of all the reasons you dont want to repeat your mistake. See
your errors as positive chances to learn and grow.
9. They Dont Resent Other Peoples Success
Everyone occasionally feels envious, but long-lasting resentment is
counterproductive, and dwelling on others successes distracts you from
pursuing your own goals. Avoid resentment and negativity about others by
altering your mind-set: Refrain from comparing yourself to anyone, notice
when you start typecasting people, and remember that successful individuals
are also flawed and have problems. Being happy for other people frees you to
focus on your own life.
10. They Dont Give Up After the First Failure
Mentally strong people refuse to quit at the first obstacle and they keep
working toward their own goals. Perseverance can be daunting, because one
failure can make you afraid of ever trying something new. Throwing in the
towel can, like other unhealthy habits, become a self-fulfilling prophecy. To
avoid this to happen, adjust your assumptions about failing. Give yourself
room to make mistakes and realize that failure is often part of the journey to
success. Famous leaders like Walt Disney always focused immediately on
their next steps after they stumbled; they didnt give up and didnt let bumps in
the road deter them from their goals.
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11. They Dont Fear Time Alone

Savor your solitude; cherish opportunities to spend time just with yourself,
even if society today seems to frown on it. Alone time is mentally healthy for
children and adults. It can help you become more productive, encourage your
imagination and refresh you. Consider these strategies:
Make a regular appointment to be alone with your thoughts.
Examine your emotions and think about your goals and wishes.
Write journal or diary entries.
Find mindfulness through meditation: Sit comfortably, concentrate on
your breathing and dont let your mind wander.
Really get to know yourself. Discovering yourself is not selfish or a
waste of time.
12. They Dont Feel the World Owes Them Anything
People who struggle to be mentally strong often have a sense of entitlement
and may think the world owes them success. Social media, with all its
self-promotion, intensifies this effect. However, feeling entitled can result in
resentment and a sense of victimhood when life doesnt unfold as you think it
should. Remember that you cant control the unfairness of life, and you are not
better or more deserving than anyone else. Concentrate on what youre trying
to accomplish not how special you are and take other peoples criticism in a
mature, humble way.
13. They Dont Expect Immediate Results
Todays society fuels instant gratification. People take pills as quick fixes to
make maladies go away instantly, but thats not how life works. Harboring
outsized expectations can keep you from envisioning the future in a realistic
way. Instead, recognize how challenging change or success can be. Dont set
self-imposed deadlines or assume that if you achieve one objective, your life
will miraculously shift for the better. Work toward your goals, be patient and
honor the incremental progress you achieve along the way.
Avoiding these 13 common pitfalls can skyrocket your ability to build mental
strength. Remain vigilant about your actions, thoughts and feelings. If you
sense that things are going awry, dont be fearful of seeking therapy from a
professional.

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About the Author

Amy Morin is a licensed clinical social worker and a psychotherapist. She
contributes regularly to Forbes and Psychology Today.

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Quotes
Mental strength requires you to take time out from the busyness of daily life
to focus on growth.
Developing mental strength is about improving your ability to regulate your
emotions, manage your thoughts and behave in a positive manner, despite your
circumstances.
Success wont find you. You have to pursue it.
Resolve to stop giving people your time and energy if you dont want them to
play a big role in your life.
Even changing one small habit, like deciding youll floss your teeth every day
or giving up your bedtime snack, requires a certain level of commitment.
A lack of knowledge about how to calculate risk leads to increased fear. And
fearing risk often leads to avoidance.
A feeling that the world owes you something isnt always about a sense of
superiority. Sometimes it is about a sense of injustice.
When we deny our mistakes, we are less likely to examine them and gain any
true understanding or lessons from them, making us more susceptible to
repeating them in the future.
Fleeting and occasional jealousy is normal. But resentment is unhealthy.
Although we live in a fast-paced world, we cant get everything we want
instantly.
Its not just sad or tragic events that leave people focused on the past.
Sometimes we dwell on the past as a way to distract ourselves from the
present.
If you spend all your time looking in the rearview mirror, you cant look out
the windshield.
Positive change leads to increased motivation, and increased motivation leads
to more positive change.

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