WP2 Revision Chart

Text from my initial

WP submission:

Zhang 1

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:
Thesis: Both Whitaker A lot more specificity is
needed here, Dr. Zhang.
and Griffiths utilize a
What, exactly, are you
unique set of
basing this argument on?
conventions and
What ABOUT the
rhetorical devices in
moves/rhetorical devices
order to present their
appeals and/or doesnt?
opinions in ways that
are equally appealing
yet convincing to the
readers.

A move is defined as a
verb that means to
take action or make
somebody act. Lets
move before somebody
sees us, or Dont
make me move your
chair to the corner.

On average, children
spend about forty hours
per week watching
television and films,

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote:

I reread my paper
and found that my
thesis was indeed a
bit too generalized.
So I rewrote the
thesis in order to
tailor to my
argument, which
was how the writers
used rhetorical
techniques subtly in
their papers in order
to convince their
readers to believe in
what they wrote.
OK, so I really like how Originally, I just
you devoted this whole
stated the dictionary
paragraph to moves.
definition of
Its nice and focused.
move and
However, I think you
provided a few
could iron out the
definition/examples a bit examples of how its
more so its clearer (and used. In my
more relevant/tailored to revisions, I found
your paper.)
that in order to
incorporate my idea
of video games, I
should use an
example from a
video game and why
not quote the
example I used in
the introduction:
League of Legends?
Id advise you to refrain
Instead of simply
from using free-floating
throwing in a quote
quotes (ie, sentences that
I found from the
start and end with a quote). text, I tried to

How this change

impacts my paper:

This helps organize

my paper and give a
strong introduction
to my paper, which
gives the readers a
heads up about what
my argument is
going to be about.

This helped
transition my paper
from moves in
video games to
moves in
rhetorical writing. It
also allowed me to
connect my topic
with the rhetorical
writing.

By including an
introduction to the
quote before and an
analysis of the quote

WP2 Revision Chart

Zhang 2

listening to music,
playing video games,
and spending time
online.(Whitaker1034)

The reader is probably

going to be left wondering,
Who is saying/citing this,
and how/why is it
relevant? Wheres it
coming from? Try to
introduce the quote and
give it context.

Clarity within my
second paragraph.

Dr. Zhang, Im not sure

what this paragraph
is/was-supposed-to-be
about

How structure of
genres classify them as

Ah ha. So how can we

relate STRUCTURE to

incorporate this
quote as a part of
my argument.
Originally, I thought
that by including an
analysis after the
quote, I could show
how it was related
to my topic.
However, by
including an
introduction to the
quote and an
analysis, my
evidence becomes
that much stronger
and persuasive.
I think the biggest
reason as to why my
second paragraph
was a little
confusing was
because I didnt
directly state what I
was going to be
talking about in the
paragraph. The
second paragraph
was supposed to talk
about the use of
introductions and
comparison of the
first sentences in
both how they
captured the
readers attention
and how they
summarized the
tone of the work.
I split my paragraph
about the content

after, I feel like Ive

squeezed everything
out of that quote and
utilized it to its full
extent within my
argument.

By simply adding a
topic sentence to my
second paragraph,
my entire second
paragraph now has a
context in which the
body makes sense
in. With all the
comparisons
between the two
introductions, my
topic sentence now
helps introduce the
two authors
introductions.

This allowed me to
describe the use of

WP2 Revision Chart

separate genres.

Zhang 3

an audience and their

within Griffiths
expectations/impressions work into two
of good writing?
paragraphs, one
specified toward the
personal tone of his
work and one
toward how the
structure of his work
is different from
Whitakers work.

structure in a genres
and why its use
separates genres
from one another.
This also allowed
me to break up a
long paragraph into
two specific
paragraphs that
ultimately add to my
argument.