CO-CREATIVE COMMUNICATION

Conflict often arises when two views of The Truth disagree. When this happensas
it always does in any relationshipwe have choices about how we communicate with
the other person:
1) We can retreat into the narrow box of Defensive Communication, a habitual
response of fight or flight that never really leads to a positive or sustainable
outcome. When were in Defensive Communication, were operating from a limited
place of possibility:
When we speak from this confined space, we operate on the assumption that
we have to convince the other to change. We may use words like should
and Yes, but or Why cant you or You never or You always
When we listen from a Defensive place, we fear the other is trying to change
us. Were afraid that if we really hear what they are saying, we might have to
accept blame, admit were wrong, or give in. So as we appear to listen, we
silently stockpile ammunition that will help us win the argument.
2) Another communication choice is to broaden out a bit beyond that narrow defensive
place and move into Compromise, in which we each give a little to get a little.
Compromise can feel seductively positive, because it temporarily relieves the
tension of conflict. And sometimes, depending on the importance of the issue at
hand, compromise is expedient and necessary.
But the door of grace and inspiration seldom opens as a result of compromise.
3) Or, we can fully open up the space for Co-Creative Communication. This third
way is a truly evolutionary move that creates intimacy, depth, and unexpected
solutions.
When we speak from a Co-Creative place, our primary motivation is
I really want you to know me. Were opening ourselves up 100%, sharing
authentically and from the heart. Were willing to risk being vulnerable and
speak about what is true for us, describing how we see and experience things
through our own peek hole. *
When we listen from a Co-Creative place, our primary motivation is simply,
I really want to know you. We listen with our heart, seeing the other persons
humanity, rather than thinking of them as a problem, a jerk, or an obstacle
i.e. as an object.
It only takes one person to take the first step into Co-Creative Communication.
When either one moves into deeper speaking or deeper listening, it changes the
dynamic. Willingness to be vulnerable, authentic and open begins to shift the
conversation and inspires a gradual reciprocity on the part of the other person.
The energy of conflict transforms to something creative and generative.

* (see handout The Truth Box)

Moving into Co-Creative Communication:

Allow yourself to open to anothers peek hole, taking in who they are and how
they see the world with no judgment or attempt to change them.
Know that what someone sees through their view makes complete and total
sense to them. Consider that, had you undergone the same circumstances and
life experiences they have, you would likely see things in much the same way.
Offer to share the view through your own peek hole. Acknowledge that what
you see may be limited, and yet it still has value as your view and you want it to
be known and appreciated.
Present your differing views as data without drawing conclusions, making
meaning of the conflict, or deciding the outcome in advance.
Benefits of Co-Creative Communication
Two distinct views inform each other, widening the space for possible solutions.
Holding the tension of opposites (the Mandorla) provides the transformative
space for a completely new perspective to form.
Both sides of the conflict begin to sense into and become informed by emerging
co-creative possibilities.
Intimacy increases and the relationship is fortified with a new level of depth,
connection, and resilience.

Dirk & Jane Velten

Evolutionary Partnership / Women & Men

Dirk & Jane Velten

Evolutionary Partnership / Women & Men