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Essay Revisions

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Thesis

Thesis needs to answer the question.

Read your thesis.

Does it contain traits and the bigger theme?

Does it involve the story?

Is it specific to what you are arguing?

Even though he can be bossy at times, George is

dependable and thoughtful, demonstrating what it
means to be a true friend.

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Conclusion

Remember:

Do not include any new pieces of evidence in your

conclusion

This is when you tie everything together.

Restate thesis in new words. DO NOT JUST COPY/PASTE.

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Topic Sentences

Is there a sentence that tells the reader what your

paragraph is about?

Is this sentence your first or second sentence in the

paragraph?

Does this match up with what your thesis is proving?

Is it specific?

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Main Ideas

These should be in each body paragraph.

Do they support your topic sentence?

Is every main idea a strong point?

Is there enough evidence to back up your main ideas?

Do you have support for each one?

If you have more than 4 main ideas in one paragraph,

you need to consider breaking into multiple
paragraphs.

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Title

Think of this like a headline. What is the essence of

your paper?

Be creative!

Use alliteration

Use a colon

Snappy Shakespeare

Multiple Eyes are Better than One: Reasons to be a Couch

Potato

Capitalize all major words

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Hook

Is your intro a solid paragraph, with clear connections between your hook idea and your thesis idea? You must lead from the
attention-getter smoothly into the rest of the introduction, which leads to the thesis statement. Remember: Do not put any of
the main points from the body of the paper into the introduction. If you have a strong introduction, it is easier to write a
conclusion that comes back to that creative idea you used in the introduction.

1) Begin with a startling statement, fact, or statistic which will arrest the readers' attention to surprise, horrify,
anger, or amuse them into reading more. Use exaggeration where appropriate but don't be obnoxious.

Authority: "Drinking kills more young drivers than any other cause," says John Smith, head of Wisconsin highway safety. "Their corpses litter
the highways of America every night." Sadly, many think that there is nothing they can do about this except have their own designated driver
or take friends' and family members' keys away.

Literary work: "Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet... along came a spider..." She was lucky it wasn't a brown recluse spider. Now found as far
north as Wisconsin, this spider sports a nasty bite that unless treated correctly can cause death.

Famous person: Beloved American author Mark Twain once said, "Man is the only animal that blushes... or needs to." My brother is living
proof of this observation. He has perfected the art of "putting his foot in his mouth" on any occasion.

HINTS

Go to Google and type in quotations about your topic. If you use one, be sure you make a connection between the point of the quotation
and your topic as I did in the preceding example.

NOTE that none of these examples used the expression, "This quotation means that (says that)..." or "These words by Mark Twain show
that..." Be smoother.

3) Start with a verbal picture that relates to the topic. Do not begin "Picture this..." or "Imagine this..."
Volcanoes spewed gases into the sky. As heat and gas rose into the atmosphere, massive clouds formed, blotting out the sun. From one end
of the globe to the other, lightning storms cracked and flashed. This is what the earth was like four and a half billion years ago. As if that
scene isn't amazing enough, it's even moreso that scientists know this.

4) Start with a contrast.

Startle: Buyers beware! A suit, shined shoes, a Rolex, Old Spice, and a dazzling smile don't make someone an expert. People should not let
smooth-talking advertisers, manufacturers, and car salesmen sell them the wrong car.

2) Start with a direct quotation from a recognized authority, a famous person, or a literary selection.

BE VERY CAEFUL OF QUESTIONS (You're opening up the possibility for readers to say, "No," and then they will tune you out. AND, theyre
usually boring and clich and we have thought of it before! Be more creative.)

A third-grade class gallops through a daisy-filled meadow with butterfly nets. A ninth-grade Latin class floods the zoo for a lesson in scientific
names. High school seniors ride the Demon at Great America for physics class.

5) Start with an anecdotean incident.

Almost from the time the downtown No. 4 subway train began its 21-mile run below New York City at 11:38 PM on Tuesday, August 27,
something seemed amiss. Heading from the Bronx to Manhattan, the train overshot the platform at a couple of stations. At times it slowed to
a crawl and then accelerated to breakneck speeds. The conductor contacted the motorman, Robert Ray, 38, several times on the intercom to
find out if everything was all right. Ray replied that he was fine. But that was clearly not the case. It was soon discovered that Ray was being
held hostage by gunman. If he'd been allowed to carry a gun himself, neither Ray nor the passengers would have been in any danger.

NOTE: You can also make up incidents for your topic. Check with me for effectiveness.

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Evidence / Analysis

This is the meat of your essay!!

Is your evidence specific?

Do you offer insight into actions?

The audience for your paper is someone who has read the
book. Therefore, do not include summary!

If you give me evidence for your point without explanation,

it sounds like summary. I do not know that you know what
you are talking about.

This is especially important with quotes. The best quote

means nothing if it is not explained.

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Evidence / Analysis 2

Look at each piece of evidence.

Do you explain how it proves your point?

You should have at least 50/50 evidence to analysis.

If you have more than 3 sentences of plot next to each

other, chances are you are starting to give just summary
without enough analysis to support it.

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Quote Flow

Introduce the quote

who said it (if dialogue)

what was happening in the story

set up your point

Only use the part you need

Make it flow in the sentence

Add proper punctuation and citation

Punctuation

If it is dialogue, add single quotes. ( )

If you are deleting information from the middle of a quote, use ellipses. ( )

If you need to include extra information, use brackets. ( [ ] )

MLA citation

Quote (Last name of author page #).

Examples:

Original quote: I continued, as was my wont, to smile in his face, and he did not perceive that my smile now
was at the thought of his immolation (Poe 344).

Use 1: Montresors dishonest character is shown when he continued, as was [his] wont, to smile in
[Fortunatos] face and Fortunato, did not perceive that [Montresors] smile now was at the thought of his
immolation (Poe 344).

Use 2: Evidence of planning occurs when Montresor says he continued, as was my wont, to smile in
[Forunatos] face (Poe 344).

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Transitions

Do you have flow between your main points?

Example transition words:

Transition phrases:

After _____ , throughout ______, when _______, once _______, one moment ____ and the next _____, without _______ ,
by _______, while _____, since _____, until ______, if _____, before ______, unless ______, now that ______, whereas
______,

Use these in your paragraphs and between your paragraphs.

Also, besides, accordingly, for this reason, therefore, in fact, as an illustration, consequently, although, for
instance, for example, in other words, as a result, however, although, otherwise, on the other hand, even though,
in the same way, next, to begin, foremost, to start, in addition, moreover, furthermore, subsequently, last.

What two points are you trying to connect? What do they have in common?

For transitions between paragraphs:

Think: How does each paragraph connect? Look at the big ideas.

Write: Use these ideas to transition from one paragraph to the next.

Placement: Last sentence of previous paragraph or first sentence of next (can combine with topic sentence)

Examples:

Not only is the characterization well done, but The Scarlet Ibis also provides a prime example of symbol.

Because students are able to understand symbol, they will have an easier time deciphering the theme, which is
very appropriate for 9th graders to think about.

This is a quality short story as the use of internal conflicts reveals character traits; likewise, the first person point
of view allows the reader to connect to the narrator.

The readers connection to the narrator due to the effectiveness of the point of view leads into understanding the
prime examples of verbal irony throughout the story.

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So What? / Final Thought
So What?

Sum up all points.

Tell why this topic is important. Why should readers care? Connect to the larger
world.

Final Thought
** Look back at your hook. What was the idea there? Bring your conclusion back
to that creative idea if possible. **

1) End with a strong statement about your topic. Look at your

sentence length and variety. Make it have an impact.

2) Finish with a prediction or recommendation that leaves the reader

thinking about your topic.

3) Conclude with a verbal picture that relates to the topic. This could
be in the form of a positive or negative outcome. Do not begin "Picture
this..." or "Imagine this..."

4) End with a question. **BEWARE** This needs to be a thoughtprovoking question or your reader will just blow it off.

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Sentence Variety

Look through your sentences. Do you vary them? Simple,

compound, complex, compound-complex. However,
appositive, list, infinitive, preposition.

Too many sentences with the same structure and length

can grow monotonous for readers.

Varying sentence style and structure can also reduce

repetition and add emphasis.

Long sentences work well for incorporating a lot of information.

Short sentences can often maximize crucial points.

Look through your paper and combine or adjust as

necessary.

Vary the 1st word.

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Style Academic Tone, 3rd
Informality makes you appear less serious
Person

Dont:

begin a sentence with a conjunction (e.g. But, And, Or,

So, Yet)
use contractions (e.g. cant, wont, doesnt)
use the words you, I, us, our, me, we

Academic Style

Look through your paper. Can you replace any pronouns

with specific nouns? Or just delete them?

Circle all your pronouns.

Example: He wanted him to be happy with it.

The doctor desired that the happy man accept the

situation of overwhelming happiness.

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Style - Diction

Don't Use Uninteresting Words

Try to replace boring words with more interesting (and descriptive) ones.

Example: 'LeeAnn Schmelzenbachs good plan helped her win against the bad guy.'

Change words

'good' changes to 'cunning' (which means clever),

'plan' changes to 'strategy' (which has a similar meaning but implies more action)

'win' changes to 'defeat' (which is more dramatic)

'bad guy' changes to 'villain' (which sounds more threatening)

Revised awesomeness: 'LeeAnn Schmelzenbachs cunning strategy helped her

defeat the villain.'

Do not do this: 'LeeAnn Schmelzenbachs dexterous machinations abetted her

vanquishment of his disputant'

Good diction requires you to strike a balance between the dull and wordy while
still sounding natural.

Use Your Resources : Right click on word to find a list of synonyms or look up on
thesaurus.com

Only use words you understand the meaning of. Otherwise, you could be giving the wrong
connotation.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between
lightning and a lightning bug. Mark Twain

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Grammar

Ah, the wonders of proper spelling and grammar.

Read your paper aloud.

Have someone else read it.

Look for:

Agreement (subject/ verb)

Parallelism

Misspelled words

Missing words

Incorrect words

Fragments/run-ons

If you notice you are always missing a comma (or are having
trouble with another error), see me! And I can help explain the rule
to you.

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MLA Formatting

1 inch margins

Header with last name and page number

Times New Roman

Size 12

Double Space (check spacing options)

Heading (your name, teachers name, class name, date)

(Also see MLA formatting sheet on weebly)

Novels, plays, other major works go in italics. (Underline when hand-writing.)

Short stories, poems, songs go in .

Citation of a Book:

Lastname, Firstname. Title of Book. Place of Publication: Publisher, Year of Publication. Medium
of Publication.

Truss, Lynne. Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation. New York:
Penguin Group, 2003. Book.

Youtube Video of MLA formatting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24Y31UrG2q4&list=PL4917D9E21FA6EDFF&index= 1