Ferrari WC

College Essay (Personal Narrative)

Unit Final DUE: TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4
Requirements: Please complete all of the following sections to receive full credit for this
assignment. For this assignment, you are encouraged to revise a freewrite or college essay of your
choice. Of course, you may write a completely new piece. Consider this essay more of a personal
narrative than a formal or traditional college essay. That said, you can push yourself creatively and
descriptively. The main focus for this piece is your story-experience moment.

Create a title
Essay should be 500-650 words
Use show-dont-tell techniques
Dialogue: modify with actions, habits, mannerisms, setting interaction, physical characteristics.
Sense Detail: dont forget smell, touch, sound, and taste. Accomplish this through simile and
metaphor.
Strong, Active Verbs and Active Voice: eliminate to be form verbs (am, is, are, was, and were).
Remember your verbs are the best descriptors. Let them do the heavy lifting.
Eliminate vague uses of it and this.
Get rid of unnecessary phrases like seemed to, started to, began to
Try on other effective literary devices and figures of speech like allusion and personification.
Create a vivid setting and interact with it.
Try for circular structure: end with a reference to the beginning.
Proofread and edit for careless editing

Step 1: Link your draft here. Make sure it has all of your edits on it. I should be able to see your
revision history back to the beginning of the essay, and evidence of at least 2 peer conferences.
https://docs.google.com/a/student.dist113.org/document/d/1u1XeCgoKTJskMXkTLAeJjzUdTKd
t6REYnnWCBIfDDAk/edit
Step 2: Copy and paste your final essay below:
Most Important Meal of the Day
Wait, I made you breakfast! Just as my front door almost completely closed behind me I
heard a scream chase me down. My mom, following me out, held a piece of toast out, her arms
extended, reaching for me before I escaped to school. I woke up late that day, rushed for time, and
hadnt even given breakfast thought. However, my mom came to the rescue, wishing me a good day
and handing me a simple, satisfying breakfast.
I made my way to school and unravelled the paper towels surrounding my morning rations.
Instead of toast I held a peanut butter banana sandwich. My morning breakfast quickly went from
being pedestrian, to an exquisite source of sustenance I wouldnt exchange for the most gourmet meal
from a fancy restaurant.
The rest of my drive to school I fantasized wildly about this perfect breakfast. I pulled into the
school parking lot the creamy sweet aroma taunted me. My willpower snapped and I lunged towards
the sandwich feeling the power of a big game predator, and clawed open the sandwiches outer
wrapping. I had subdued the elusive prey.

The next few minutes transformed into an euphoric haze. I started with a small sample, just a
tiny bite in a pointless attempt to savor my meal. However after I even drew the slightest taste I lost all
sense of self-control, I quickly scarfed down the remainder of my exquisite sandwich. Following my
shameless, unrestrained gorging, I realized that I hadnt even tasted my sandwich. In my fervor, I
missed sweet yet savory balance, symphony of flavor and texture, which had disappeared into the
deep recesses of my brain.
I went to school the rest of the day distracted by the disappointment of a rushed sandwich that
I missed out on simply because I so earnestly looked forward to that I missed the experience itself. My
depression continued onto lunch on a wednesday, meaning the cafeterias taco day had come. To my
close friend, Jack, this easily became the most important meal of the week, his mild obsession with
tacos provided him seemingly infinite amounts of happiness. As I sat down at our usual lunch table I
saw Jack sitting in front of his plate, eyeing the mysteriously delicious taco that appeared before him.
After a few seconds of intense staring his arm lashed out at the taco, faster than my eyes could follow.
Once he got a hold of his meal he quickly scarfed it down in three huge chomps, and it left sooner
than anyone around him could process.
Then, for just a moment, I saw a flicker of familiar disappointment grip his face, its gone
already? all his emotions filled that one sentence, saddened by the loss of his sandwich made the
same mistake I had this morning. Just like me he couldnt help himself or hold back his excitement,
and so he paid the price.
In that moment, I learned how when people expect fulfillment and gratification from any
particular, that we consume without mindfulness. We dont stop and taste the peanut-butter and
banana sandwich. The sweetest sensations often go unnoticed and unappreciated. Learning to
experience and savor these moments, will always be the struggle of living a satisfied life. Without
these delicious experiences, even those exciting prospects can quickly grow dull and bitter. After that
fateful day I found myself making sure to acknowledge those sweet sensations I came across, all
because of a delicious, yet rushed morning meal.

Step 3: Reflect and Evaluate. Complete the reflection and self evaluation below. Highlight where
you believe your work falls on the rubric.
1 Needs
improvement/Inco
mplete
Writing contains many
minor and/or major
grammar, mechanic,
or usage errors, and
the main ideas are not
Writing Conventions accessible.
Clarity,
Organization, and
Coherence

Writing is unclear,
unfocused, and
difficult to follow.

2 Developing

3 Meets

4 Exceeds

Writing contains many

minor and/or some
major grammar,
mechanic, or usage
errors, yet the main
ideas are still
accessible.

Writing contains a
minimal amount of
minor grammar,
mechanics, or usage
errors.

Writing is free of
grammar, mechanics,
or usage errors, and
yet may break
convention as a
deliberate writing
technique.

Organization is
sequential but
formulaic, and
concepts are not fully
developed or

Writing as a whole is
clear, coherent, and
are easy to follow
through a logical
progression.

Writing is not only

clear but
demonstrates a level
of stylistic
sophistication.

explained, and the

sequence may not be
optimal.

Transitions display a
sense of voice and
style.

Imagery

Writer uses figurative

language to represent
Writer makes an
objects, actions and
attempt at
ideas in such a way
incorporating
that it creates a vivid
No attempt to include figurative language,
picture in the reader's
literary devices, or
perhaps symbolism or mind. Specific nouns,
figures of speech have motif, but doesn't
allusion,
been included to
demonstrate a clear
personification, etc.
describe or convey a
understanding of how are employed for
sense of voice and
these function in the
effective detail and
style.
piece.
description.

The imagery creates

vivid and complex
mental pictures, and
conveys a greater
symbolic meaning
more than the sum of
its parts. Imagery
creates a powerful,
deliberate sense of
mood and tone in the
piece.

Sense Detail

The piece includes a

variety of sense detail
to convey vivid
description. Verbs,
No deliberate attempt
similes/metaphors,
to include sense detail
and other devices are
exists in the piece,
In addition to some
used to encourage the
besides default
sight description, the reader/audience to
references to what the writer refers, in
connect to the piece
writer or character
passing, to one or two through the sense
sees.
other senses.
detail.

Sense description is
abundant, but also
may be subtle and
nuanced. Similes and
metaphors are
condensed and
efficient, and
economically
incorporated into the
verb structure of the
sentences.

Dialogue/Dialogue
Modification

Setting Detail
Active Voice/ Vivid
Verbs

No substantive
dialogue is used
and/or modified.

No specific sense of
place or space is
communicated in the
piece.
Passive voice and "to
be" form linking verbs
(am, is, are, was, and
were) dominate the
landscape of the
paper. No real attempt
to strengthen and
replace these types of
verbs is apparent.

A brief or incoherent
dialogue exchange
may be included.
Attributing the
dialogue to a speaker
is also unclear.

Setting is vague or
general.
There is an attempt
for some active voice
and minimization of
"to be" form verbs, but
these verbs are still
prominent throughout.

Dialogue is employed
to bring the reader
into the text and
elevate the focus and
description of the
piece. Dialogue is
modified, if applicable,
by habits,
mannerisms, setting
interaction, physical
description, etc.

Dialogue creates a
vivid picture for the
reader. A character or
narrator has his or her
own distinct voice,
which conveys the
writer's style.

Specific nouns,
allusions, and
references to
particular types of
spaces and places
help ground the piece
and convey strong
description.
Characters interact
with setting.

A particular, vivid, and

unique depiction of
place is
communicated. The
setting acts as a sort
of character in the
story, having its own
"personality."
Characters' sense of
identity is drawn from
a strong connection to
place and setting.

"To be" form verbs and

passive voice has
been largely
eliminated, with
perhaps a few
instances. Verbs are
used as powerful,
effective descriptors.
The writer relies on
verbs and actions to
describe over
adjectives and

The writer has a keen

understanding of how
verbs operate
descriptively. The
writer may
successfully
experiment with
deliberate verb
manipulation to
communicate a
powerful sense of
voice.

adverbs.

Academic Identity

No attempt at process
has been made. Work
has been "completed"
in a window of time
that does not allow for
adequate or
appropriate growth,
development,
improvement, or
acquisition of a skill.

Minor or inconsistent
attempts are made to
build toward a
completed product.
Strategies may be
attempted but not
used with integrity.

Clear use of
strategies, revision,
conferring, advocating
for extra help,where
appropriate, while
respecting the
commitments made
by the classroom
community.
Meaningful and honest
reflection and
feedback.

Where applicable,
process demonstrates
a clear sense of time
management and
academic
responsibility. Through
participation and/or
example
demonstrates a
positive leadership
presence.

Comments and Reflection: Below, reflect on both the process and product of this college
essay unit. Please offer examples and support with your answers (why and why not).
Consider the following questions as you reflect:
Do you think your writing improved during this unit? In what way?
Did you enjoy and improve with the sense detail freewriting?
Did you take advantage of opportunities to have meaningful writing conferences? With peers? With
me?
What suggestions would you make to improve this unit?
As we move into our next unit, what would you like to focus on? What are your writing goals?

Writing Conventions
Your score: 3.5

Writing contains
many minor and/or
major grammar,
mechanic, or usage
errors, and the main
ideas are not
accessible.

Writing contains
many minor and/or
some major grammar,
mechanic, or usage
errors, yet the main
ideas are still
accessible.

Writing contains a
minimal amount of
minor grammar,
mechanics, or usage
errors.

Writing is free of
grammar, mechanics,
or usage errors, and
yet may break
convention as a
deliberate writing
technique.

Clarity, Organization,
and Coherence
Your score: 4

Writing is unclear,
unfocused, and
difficult to follow.

Organization is
sequential but
formulaic, and
concepts are not fully
developed or
explained, and the
sequence may not be
optimal.

Writing as a whole is
clear, coherent, and
are easy to follow
through a logical
progression.
Transitions display a
sense of voice and
style.

Writing is not only

clear but
demonstrates a level
of stylistic
sophistication.

Imagery
Your score: 4

No attempt to include
literary devices, or
figures of speech
have been included to
describe or convey a
sense of voice and
style.

Writer makes an
attempt at
incorporating
figurative language,
perhaps symbolism or
motif, but doesn't
demonstrate a clear

Writer uses figurative

language to represent
objects, actions and
ideas in such a way
that it creates a vivid
picture in the reader's
mind. Specfic nouns,

The imagery creates

vivid and complex
mental pictures, and
conveys a greater
symbolic meaning
more than the sum of
its parts. Imagery

understanding of how
these function in the
piece.

allusion,
personification, etc.
are employed for
effective detail and
description.

creates a powerful,
deliberate sense of
mood and tone in the
piece.

Sense Detail
Your score: 4

No deliberate attempt
to include sense
detail exists in the
piece, besides default
references to what
the writer or character
sees.

In addition to some
sight description, the
writer refers, in
passing, to one or two
other senses.

The piece includes a

variety of sense detail
to convey vivid
description. Verbs,
similes/metaphors,
and other devices are
used to encourage
the reader/audience
to connect to the
piece through the
sense detail.

Sense description is
abundant, but also
may be subtle and
nuanced. Similes
and metaphors are
condensed and
efficient, and
economically
incorporated into the
verb structure of the
sentences.

Dialogue/Dialogue
Modification
Your score: 3

No substantive
dialogue is used
and/or modified.

A brief or incoherent
dialogue exchange
may be included.
Attributing the
dialogue to a speaker
is also unclear.

Dialogue is employed
to bring the reader
into the text and
elevate the focus and
description of the
piece. Dialogue is
modified, if
applicable, by habits,
mannerisms, setting
interaction, physical
description, etc.

Dialogue creates a
vivid picture for the
reader. A character
or narrator has his or
her own distinct
voice, which conveys
the writer's style.

Setting Detail
Your score: 3.5

No specific sense of
place or space is
communicated in the
piece.

Setting is vague or
general.

Specific nouns,
allusions, and
references to
particular types of
spaces and places
help ground the piece
and convey strong
description.
Characters interact
with setting.

A particular, vivid, and

unique depiction of
place is
communicated. The
setting acts as a sort
of character in the
story, having its own
"personality."
Characters' sense of
identity is drawn from
a strong connection
to place and setting.

Active Voice/ Vivid

Verbs
Your score: 3.5

Passive voice and "to

be" form linking verbs
(am, is, are, was, and
were) dominate the
landscape of the
paper. No real
attempt to strengthen
and replace these

There is an attempt
for some active voice
and minimization of
"to be" form verbs,
but these verbs are
still prominent
throughout.

"To be" form verbs

and passive voice
has been largely
eliminated, with
perhaps a few
instances. Verbs are
used as powerful,
effective descriptors.

The writer has a keen

understanding of how
verbs operate
descriptively. The
writer may
successfully
experiment with
deliberate verb

types of verbs is
apparent.

The writer relies on

verbs and actions to
describe over
adjectives and
adverbs.

manipulation to
communicate a
powerful sense of
voice.

Comments:
A clever piece, packed with sense detail. As a part of the assignment, however, I don't see your
reflection of process and self-evaluation.