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sharonliang

| NOTES:

Question
inputted from
| DOCUMENT REQUIREMENTS:
order form;
In your personal statement you should describe
your interest in the field of applied computation, broken down to
how your background relates to the field and
help focus
why you think that you are a good fit for our
program.
mind/show
Personal statements are generally 1-1.5 pages.
Author
engagement.
Deleted: SOP

Hi sharonliang,
I have edited your statement belowbut principally I have conducted an assessment of its efficacy in
relations to the guidance in the question prompt above. This has allowed me to generate a series of prompts
and questions for you. It is essential that you address your mind to these questions carefully and reflectively
and provide specific, detailed information about specific experiences youve had in order for us to make a
vivid and persuasive case for your admission! Your case did address the points in the question but that is
not the same as creating a compelling case. Nonetheless, I think if we build on what we have here, we can
make excellent progress with your document, so dont be disheartened! !
There are some things that I think you can leave out, and some areas I think need expanding.
Good luck, and I am looking forward to receiving your revised draft.
Kind regards,
C

Detailed instructive advice

delivered in supportive tone.

NB: please accept

track changes on
your cover sheet
to avoid this
effect!!

Ive removed this because it is stating a fairly basic fact that the committee will already now; its also
abstracted from you (ie: its not couched in you and your experiences, therefore its value in a
statement is very limited without being compelling linked to you and your experiences (and resultant
evaluations!):

One academic field that enables us to unveil the economic meaning of such big data is
This is self-evident; this is what a degree like yours always entails; the committee knows this; this
isnt contributing to your case for admission!

My undergraduate studies have consisted of a rigorous economics curriculum that stresses Mathematics and
Computation.

Removing
unhelpful
text

They have your transcript already. You could put it on your resume too; this isnt the place for these
types of details; this is a place to evaluate successes and relate them to your target program!
An excellent record of academic performance (top ten percent) in eight Mathematics courses have provided
me with a solid foundation to study Computation in graduate school.

Author
Deleted: Statement of Purpose

Author
Comment [1]: Can you be more specific?
Author
Deleted: n eye-opening aper highlighting
... [1]

In April 2013, three economists published a paper highlighting the usefulness of

Google Trends data in predicting daily price moves in the Dow Jones Industrial
Average. Despite being saturated with detailed information, resulting from human
interactions with digital technology, new and useful perspectives on economic actors
are still possible. My interest in applied computation in particular is therefore what
attracts me to your program.

Author
Comment [2]: This isnt strongly linked
... [2]

My degree has entailed using many specific computational methods derived from
economics, such as the gradient descent algorithm and Newtons method for
numerical analysis, both of which we used regularly while studying dynamic
optimization. Extracurricular activitiessuch as the Mathematical Modeling
Contesthelped me develop these skills through practical applications in pressured
settings.

... [5]

There is no point in arranging these points into a structure yet, because that
structure will only become apparent when we have more a more developed set of
facts (I will do so in the next draft):
Working with intelligence algorithmsneural networks and genetic algorithmsand
was particularly attracted by algorithms deriving from the laws of nature.
Exposure to a great variety of scenarios in which to apply computational methods has
required me to utilize both original thought and flexibility in the process of adjusting
algorithms for use in different models via MATLAB.
At one point, for example, confronted with a particularly difficult optimization
problem using the AGP-Fuzzy Comprehensive Evaluation Method, I found that the
simple genetic algorithm was only able to provide a locally optimal solution. After
analyzing the convergence rate and researching relevant papers, I adjusted the original
algorithm to obtain an improved, accelerated form of genetic algorithm that yielded a
globally optimal solution. This experience was inspiring and increased my confidence
and determination to seek further study in the field of Applied Computation.
My first independent empirical research project focused on the MAX effecta data
pattern described by Bali et al. (2011)in a Hong Kong context. The aim was to
investigate the relationship between maximum daily returns over the previous month
and future returns; I was able to prove a significant negative correlation between the
two in the Hong Kong stock market using a large daily stock data set covering more
than ten years, with nine factors retrieved from various sources. The volume of
information meant incomplete and incorrect data were randomly distributed within
the set. After investigating the sets structure, I used MATLAB to design a system to
eliminate dirty data and make the remaining dataset usable. Forming separate
portfolios allowed me to better analyze the decreasing portfolio trend; I also changed
the data structure from a three-dimensional to a cellular array, and used separate
cross-sectional sorting processes for each month to eliminate mistakes.
Data cleansing proved extremely valuable as it tested my programming and
computational skills. It was a difficult task that left me with a strong desire to learn
more about handling Big Data in order to build financial and economics models more
efficiently. This material needs to be adjusted. What we need to know from this is
how you see this fitting in with the field of applied computation + how this
contributed to your interest in this area. Please focus on responding to these points
and we will be able to make a much stronger case in the next iteration.

Explanation of
approach (and lack
Author
Deleted:
One academic
that enables us
of work
onfieldstructure
Author
dont
make
Deleted:
, and thisis
therefore what
Author
unnecessary work
Deleted: My undergraduate studies have
Author
for yourself; take a
Comment [4]: Be more specifichow
view, explain what
Author
Deleted:
youre doing (with a
Author
Comment
[5]: Can
you give more and
decent
reason)
Author
it will
be fine.
Deleted:
.
Author
Comment [3]: Can you provide a bit... [4]
... [3]

... [6]

... [7]

... [8]

... [9]

Author
Deleted: While w
Author
Comment [6]: We need to explain...why
[10]

But
NB: the English
Author
Deleted: on the task, I washas
throughout
Author
been
Deleted: edited
became familiar with intelligence
Author
effectively/carefully
Comment [7]: Be more specific? What
Author
throughout
the
Comment [8]: I would leave this out
useable
text in order
Author
Comment [9]: Beautifully written, but
to
provide the client
Author
Deleted:the
until 2:00AM, I had a flash of an
with
Author
reassurance
that is
Deleted: an btain an improved,
Author
invariably
necessary
Comment [10]: As a result, the problem
Author
in
any first draft.
Deleted: As a result, the problem was solved,
(This
will also save
Author
Comment [11]: To substantiate this we
you
work later.)
Author
... [11]

... [12]

... [13]

... [15]

... [16]

... [14]

... [17]

... [18]

... [19]

... [20]

Comment [12]: Can you say a bit ...

more
[22]

Author
Deleted: I gained additional experience
... [21]
of
Author
Deleted: entitled
Author
Comment [13]: Can you give a more
... [23]
Author
Deleted: The MAX Effect: Evidence... [24]
Author
Comment [14]: Can you explain to...me
[25]
Author
Deleted: Due to the largehe volume...of
[26]

Using the tips and advice on this website,

this advice is guiding the client away
from a plain assertion of interest, to an
assertion of interest that is linked to his
academic plan for the future.

Asking the client to make connections

Given this range of experiences, I am much attracted by the Computational Science
and Engineering Program at Harvard This important question for you to answer is
HOW does Given this range of experiences = I am much attracted by the
Computational Science and Engineering Program at Harvard An answer can
obtained by being much more specific about the research objectives that arise from
your experiences (and then those objectives can be shown to be in tandem with the
course at Harvard in ways that will be automatically much more effective than the
current material below.
Core courses such as Computer Science and Applied Math and elective courses in my
field, such as Quantitative Analysis of Capital Markets would Why these courses?
What specific objectives would they address. Remember anyone can go on the
Internet and look up the names of courses! Youve got to address these questions
thoroughly for a competitive application.
I am especially interested in Professor Irazzars course, Data Science as it covers data
cleaning and sampling with the aim of creating suitable data sets. This is just
describing the course factuallythis is already on the Internet! It needs to relate to
YOU! (ie: your specific objectives that we will explain via your experiences in the
preceding paragraphs)
This is just what I tried to do in my research project and what would love to learn
more about. Explaining this should be the center of your statement!Harvard will
want to know!
Other courses, such as Applied Math and Stochastic Optimization Methods that apply
computational methods to strategies for investing in financial markets will also help
with my study plan. It is difficult to understand how because your study plan isnt
laid out clearlymore detail is essential!
Harvard stands out because of its flexible curriculum structure that allows students
from different academic disciplines to learn about applying computational methods to
their own fields of interest.

It Author
is not your job to
Deleted:
This experience
with data cleansing
force
or
interpret
the
proved extremely valuable as it tested my
programming and computational skills. It was
clients
material into
a difficult task that made left me with a strong
desire to want to learn more about handling
something
that
Big Data in order to build
financial and
economics models more efficiently.
addresses
the
Author
Deleted: with c
program
specifically;
Author
Deleted:
Ccience
the
only
thing we ask
Author
you
to. do is make the
Deleted:
Author
point;
ask for the
Deleted: Applied Computation
Author
higher
quality
Deleted: I have gone through a tough time
cleansing the data and
finding a pattern in the
material;
provide
stock market, so I look forward to
strengthening this skill
program.
direction
onin CSE
what
Author
should
Deleted: s inform that
Author
material.
You are
Comment [15]: Explain a bit more.
Author to support the
there
Deleted: There are not many graduate
programs in not
Applied Computation,
and among
client;
do their
job
these
Author
for
them.
Deleted: for me, not last

Author
Comment [16]: They will already know
this: There are not many graduate programs
in Applied Computation, and among these
Author
Comment [17]: Specifics needed.
Author
Comment [18]: Specifics needed.
Author
Comment [19]: This phrase is much
over-used. Try not to use it.

Asking the client to engage with the

document; pointing out the need to
substantiate unpersuasive connections,
unsupported assertions and the recital
of facts off the website.

The purpose of this document is to

make the committee confident. To
make it successful you have to explain
to them WHY you are confident; make
them feel as confident as you do. That
requires lots of specific detail on both
your background and what you want to
do at Harvard!
I am confident that my own strong background
in, and passion for, both Computation and
Economics fits the values and objectives of
your program,
This is self-evident from the fact that you are
applying!
I am looking forward to continue working on
... [28]
my dream of applying computational methods

Author
Deleted: I am confident that my own strong
background in, and passion for, both
Computation and Economics fits the values
... [27]