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Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form

(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the
form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets]
throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with
revising your paper!
Hi Morgan. I'm Russell U. and I'll be your E-structor for this session.
*Strengths of the essay:
Good job on providing a hook:
When given the opportunity to either donate or sell for a greater cause, people are more than likely to
donate.
By giving an anecdote, you're making your reader wonder what is the connection between it and your
paper, thus made them interested in your paper.
Main Idea/Thesis:
Morgan, your supporting details isn't reflected in the topic sentence of your body paragraphs. By
pointing out, through your topic sentences, that if Henrietta or her family was asked for consent, and
were informed and educated on how the cells would be used, you're helping your reader know the key
points of your discussion. Consider the topic sentences below:

When Henrietta found out that she had cancer, it was already a large enough shock in itself.

Though so much has literally grown and become of Henriettas cells, there still should have
been a choice given to her.

Though most of what is stated seems to be true, there is a lot of evidence that goes against
this.

These are the topic sentences of your current discussion. Kindly consider the questions below:

Are these topic sentences reflected in your thesis?

What are the supposed topic sentences when referring to your thesis?

If you have any other questions regarding thesis building, I would like for you to refer to
Smarthinking's Writer's Handbook lesson on Thesis Development. Given the questions above, how will
you reflect the supporting details to your topic sentences?
*Morgan 7294700 has requested that you respond to the Introduction/Conclusion:
Morgan, your paper did not introduce who Henrietta was. By doing so, you're giving your reader an
idea on who your paper is supposed to discuss. Kindly consider the excerpt below:
This pertains closely to worldly objects, but in the case of Henrietta Lacks and her family, it applies to
her cells. The Lacks family was never given a chance to fight for their right to say yes or no.
This is all the introduction that was given in your paper regarding Henrietta Lacks and her family.
Kindly consider the questions below:

Who was Henrietta lacks?

What was her condition?

Why was her cells harvested?

By answering the questions above, you're helping your reader know who Henrietta was. Given the
questions, how will you introduce Henrietta?

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*Morgan 7294700 has requested that you respond to the Transitions:
Morgan, your paper is missing transitions in between paragraphs. By using transitions, you're helping
your reader's flow of thought run smoothly. Consider these excerpts from your paper:
Concluding sentence:Being that it was the 1950s, and Henrietta was a young black woman, there was
not many rights she would have been given anyway.
Topic sentence: Though so much has literally grown and become of Henriettas cells, there still should
have been a choice given to her.
Notice that the concluding sentence from one paragraph does not flow to the topic sentence of the
other. This could be resolved through the use of transition words that show addition (also, and, in
addition, furthermore etc.) or location (above, below, left right, etc.). Consider the example below:
Concluding sentence: You're helping your people know will build up morale.
Topic sentence: Furthermore, having high morale, the soldiers will fight more effectively.
Notice that I used the transitional word furthermore in order to connect the concluding sentence and
the succeeding topic sentence. Now if you have any other questions about transitions, I would like for
you to refer to Smarthinking's Writer's Handbook lesson on Developing Powerful Paragraphs,
specifically the heading under paragraph coherence. Now go back to your paper. Check to see if there
are other paragraphs that could use transitions.
Summary of Next Steps:
Below is a summary of steps needed for revision:

Make sure that your supporting details are reflected by your topic sentences.

Properly introduce Henrietta?

Use transitions in between paragraphs.

Thank you for letting me read your paper on The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. Good luck in
revising.-Russell U.
Find additional resources in Smarthinking's online library:
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in Smarthinking's
student handbooks. You can visit the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook or the Smarthinking
ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer's Handbook.
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Morgan Smith
Miss VanderSlik
ENGL 100-15
11 November 2014
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks
When given the opportunity to either donate or sell for a greater cause, people are more
than likely to donate. Although, when the occasion arises where that opportunity is retracted, or
not even presented as an option, it becomes an issue that is not only personal to the owner, but
also legally hurtful. This pertains closely to worldly objects, but in the case of Henrietta Lacks
and her family, it applies to her cells. The Lacks family was never given a chance to fight for
their right to say yes or no. If either Henrietta or her family were asked for consent, and were
informed and educated on how the cells would be used, it can be believed that they would, more
than likely, choose to donate for the greater good of health.
When Henrietta found out that she had cancer, it was already a large enough shock in
itself. Then to top it off, she was never presented all of the facts, whether it was about her body
and its condition, or the fact that her cells were taken and used for science that she had no
knowledge of. With Henrietta unconscious on the operating table in the center of the room, her
feet in stirrups, the surgeon on duty, Dr. Lawrence Wharton Jr., sat on a stool between her legs.
He peered inside Henrietta, dilated her cervix, and prepared to treat her tumor. But first --though no one had told Henrietta that TeLinde was collecting samples or asked if she wanted to
be a donor --- Wharton picked up a sharp knife and shaved two dime-sized pieces of tissue from
Henriettas cervix: one from her tumor, and one from the healthy cervical tissue nearby. Then he
placed the samples in a glass dish (Skloot, 33). It is completely explained here that Henrietta

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was never even given the choice to think or know about the situation at hand. Being that it was
the 1950s, and Henrietta was a young black woman, there was not many rights she would have
been given anyway.[Your topic sentences and concluding sentences aren't reflections of one
another. By doing so you're helping your paper have united paragraphs. What is the topic
of this paragraph? How did you arrive at your conclusion statement? How will you reflect
the two statements together?]
Though so much has literally grown and become of Henriettas cells, there still should
have been a choice given to her. She owned the cells, they were hers.[This is a comma splice.
They occur when a comma is separating two independent clauses. A way to revise this is
through the use of a period or a semicolon. Which do you think is the appropriate
punctuation here?] Then they were stolen, and she made no profit or gained any recognition
because it was kept a secret for so long. Many black individuals at the time were afraid to ask
questions or know their rights, because they were the minority. In the 1950s, their rights did not
much matter to anyone. Their low education and lack of knowledge was taken advantage of time
and time again.[The subject of the previous sentence and the following sentence does not
match. By doing so you're helping with the logic of your sentences. Who was the subject of
the first sentence? Is the subject of the following sentence the same?] They never considered
the personalities of their patients. Their outlook on life could have very much to do with how
they make their decisions. The way that Henriettas family describes her is giving, fun, loving,
and she was always there for anyone. Hennie made life come alive -- bein with her was like
bein with fun, Sadie told me, staring toward the ceiling as she talked. Hennie just love peoples.
She was a person that could really make the good things come out of you (Skloot, 43). Even

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though this is true, many people would believe otherwise; because of her lack of education, they
find it easy to believe that she wouldnt agree to donating.
Though most of what is stated seems to be true, there is a lot of evidence that goes
against this. In Henriettas situation, she only had a sixth grade education level. This
compromised her abilities to fully understand the doctors, which is partly what stressed her the
first time she went in. It was no surprise that she hadnt come back all those times for follow-up.
For Henrietta, walking into Hopkins was like entering a foreign country where she didnt speak
the language. She knew about harvesting tobacco and butchering a pig, but shed never heard the
words cervix or biopsy. She didnt read and write much, and she hadnt studied science in school.
She, like most black patients, only went to hopkins when she thought she had no choice (Skloot,
18). It was assumed by many doctors, that because ones education was not as advanced as
others, it was best not to confuse them. Theres no indication that Henrietta questioned him; like
most patients in the 1950s, she deferred to anything her doctors said. This was a time when
benevolent deception was a common practice -- doctors often withheld even the most
fundamental information from their patients, sometimes not giving them any diagnosis at all.
They believed it was best not to confuse or upset patients with frightening terms they might not
understand, like cancer. Doctors knew best, and most patients didnt question that (Skloot, 63).
Because of the chance that she could have been frightened by the medical news, it could be
inferred that she would have never even considered donating, even if it meant not helping
science grow.[Good job explaining the excerpt. By doing so, you've told your reader why
the quotation is important.]
In conclusion, though evidence may steer towards the idea that she would not have
chosen to donate, there is more evidence that shows that she would have. Looking at the

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opposing views, they only show that the doctors took the situation into their own hands and
assumed that because she did not have an acceptable education level, she would have not
understood. There is no evidence that shows that she would not have been willing to donate.
Looking at her personality and persistent care for others, and with the right amount of
explanation and patience, she would have been more than likely to consider the option of
donating to help science.

Work Cited
Skloot, Rebecca. The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks. New York: Broadway Books, 2010.
Print.