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THE

GIFTS OF
Imperfection
THE
GIFTS OF
Imperfection
Let Go of Who You Think Youre Supposed
t o Be and Embrace Who You Are
by Bren Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.
Haz el den
Cent er Ci t y, Mi nnesot a 55012
haz el den.org
2010 by Bren Brown
Al l ri ght s reserved. Publ i shed 2010
Pri nt ed i n t he Uni t ed St at es of Ameri c a
No part of t hi s publ i c at i on may be reproduc ed, st ored i n a ret ri eval syst em, or t ransmi t t ed i n any f orm or by any meansel ec t roni c , mec hani c al , phot oc opyi ng, rec ordi ng,
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i nf ri ngement .
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Brown, C. Bren
The gi f t s of i mperf ec t i on : l et go of who you t hi nk youre supposed t o be and embrac e who you are / by Bren Brown.
p. c m.
I nc l udes bi bl i ographi c al ref erenc es.
I SBN 978-1-59285-849-1 (sof t c over)
I SBN 978-1-59285-989-4 (eBook)
1. Sel f -ac c ept anc e. 2. Sel f -est eem. I . Ti t l e.
BF575.S37B76 2010
158dc 22
2010016989
Editors note
The names, det ai l s, and c i rc umst anc es may have been c hanged t o prot ec t t he pri vac y of t hose ment i oned i n t hi s publ i c at i on.
Thi s publ i c at i on i s not i nt ended as a subst i t ut e f or t he advi c e of heal t h c are prof essi onal s.
13 12 11 10 1 2 3 4 5 6
Cover desi gn by Davi d Spohn
Cover i l l ust rat i ons by Ni c hol as Wi l t on
I nt eri or desi gn and t ypeset t i ng by Ki nne Desi gn
To St eve, Ellen, and Charlie.
I love you wit h my whole heart .
contents
Preface
Acknowledgment s
Int roduct ion: Wholeheart ed Living
Courage, Compassion, and Connect ion: The Gift s of Imperfect ion
Exploring t he Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough
The Things That Get in t he Way
Guidepost #1
Cult ivat ing Aut hent icit y:
Letting Go of What People Think
Guidepost #2
Cult ivat ing Self-Compassion:
Letting Go of Perfectionism
Guidepost #3
Cult ivat ing a Resilient Spirit :
Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
Guidepost #4
Cult ivat ing Grat it ude and Joy:
Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
Guidepost #5
Cult ivat ing Int uit ion and Trust ing Fait h:
Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
Guidepost #6
Cult ivat ing Creat ivit y:
Letting Go of Comparison
Guidepost #7
Cult ivat ing Play and Rest :
Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
Guidepost #8
Cult ivat ing Calm and St illness:
Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
Guidepost #9
Cult ivat ing Meaningful Work:
Letting Go of Self-Doubt and Supposed To
Guidepost #10
Cult ivat ing Laught er, Song, and Dance:
Letting Go of Being Cool and Always in Control
Final Thought s
About t he Research Process: For Thrill-Seekers and Met hodology Junkies
Not es
About t he Aut hor
preface
Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.
Once you see a pat t ern, you cant un-see it . Trust me, Ive t ried. But when t he same t rut h
keeps repeat ing it self, it s hard t o pret end t hat it s just a coincidence. For example, no mat t er
how hard I t ry t o convince myself t hat I can funct ion on six hours of sleep, anyt hing less t han
eight hours leaves me impat ient , anxious, and foraging for carbohydrat es. It s a pat t ern. I also
have a t errible procrast inat ion pat t ern: I always put off writ ing by reorganizing my ent ire house
and spending way t oo much t ime and money buying office supplies and organizing syst ems.
Every single t ime.
One reason it s impossible t o un-see t rends is t hat our minds are engineered t o seek out
pat t erns and t o assign meaning t o t hem. Humans are a meaning-making species. And, for
bet t er or worse, my mind is act ually fine-t uned t o do t his. I spent years t raining for it , and now
it s how I make my living.
As a researcher, I observe human behavior so I can ident ify and name t he subt le
connect ions, relat ionships, and pat t erns t hat help us make meaning of our t hought s,
behaviors, and feelings.
I love what I do. Pat t ern hunt ing is wonderful work and, in fact , t hroughout my career, my
at t empt s at un-seeing were st rict ly reserved for my personal life and t hose humbling
vulnerabilit ies t hat I loved t o deny. That all changed in November 2006, when t he research t hat
fills t hese pages smacked me upside t he head. For t he first t ime in my career, I was desperat e
t o un-see my own research.
Up unt il t hat point , I had dedicat ed my career t o st udying difficult emot ions like shame, fear,
and vulnerabilit y. I had writ t en academic pieces on shame, developed a shame-resilience
curriculum for ment al healt h and addict ions professionals, and writ t en a book about shame
resilience called I Thought It Was Just Me.
1
In t he process of collect ing t housands of st ories from diverse men and women who lived all
over t he count ryranging in age from eight een t o eight y-sevenI saw new pat t erns t hat I
want ed t o know more about . Yes, we all st ruggle wit h shame and t he fear of not being enough.
And, yes, many of us are afraid t o let our t rue selves be seen and known. But in t his huge
mound of dat a t here was also st ory aft er st ory of men and women who were living t hese
amazing and inspiring lives.
I heard st ories about t he power of embracing imperfect ion and vulnerabilit y. I learned about
t he inext ricable connect ion bet ween joy and grat it ude, and how t hings t hat I t ake for grant ed,
like rest and play, are as vit al t o our healt h as nut rit ion and exercise. These research
part icipant s t rust ed t hemselves, and t hey t alked about aut hent icit y and love and belonging in
a way t hat was complet ely new t o me.
I want ed t o look at t hese st ories as a whole, so I grabbed a file and a Sharpie and wrot e t he
first word t hat came t o my mind on t he t ab: Wholehearted. I wasnt sure what it meant yet , but
I knew t hat t hese st ories were about people living and loving wit h t heir whole heart s.
I had a lot of quest ions about Wholeheart edness. What did t hese folks value? How did t hey
creat e all of t his resilience in t heir lives? What were t heir main concerns and how did t hey
resolve or address t hem? Can anyone creat e a Wholeheart ed life? What does it t ake t o
cult ivat e what we need? What get s in t he way?
As I st art ed analyzing t he st ories and looking for re-occurring t hemes, I realized t hat t he
pat t erns generally fell int o one of t wo columns; for simplicit y sake, I first labeled t hese Do and
Dont. The Do column was brimming wit h words like wort hiness, rest , play, t rust , fait h, int uit ion,
hope, aut hent icit y, love, belonging, joy, grat it ude, and creat ivit y. The Dont column was dripping
wit h words like perfect ion, numbing, cert aint y, exhaust ion, self-sufficiency, being cool, fit t ing in,
judgment , and scarcit y.
I gasped t he first t ime I st epped back from t he post er paper and t ook it all in. It was t he
worst kind of st icker shock. I remember mumbling, No. No. No. How can t his be?
Even t hough I wrot e t he list s, I was shocked t o read t hem. When I code dat a, I go int o deep
researcher mode. My only focus is on accurat ely capt uring what I heard in t he st ories. I dont
t hink about how I would say somet hing, only how t he research part icipant s said it . I dont t hink
about what an experience would mean t o me, only what it meant t o t he person who t old me
about it .
I sat in t he red chair at my breakfast room t able and st ared at t hese t wo list s for a very long
t ime. My eyes wandered up and down and across. I remember at one point I was act ually
sit t ing t here wit h t ears in my eyes and wit h my hand across my mout h, like someone had just
delivered bad news.
And, in fact , it was bad news. I t hought Id find t hat Wholeheart ed people were just like me
and doing all of t he same t hings I was doing: working hard, following t he rules, doing it unt il I got
it right , always t rying t o know myself bet t er, raising my kids exact ly by t he books
Aft er st udying t ough t opics like shame for a decade, I t ruly believed t hat I deserved
confirmat ion t hat I was living right .
But heres t he t ough lesson t hat I learned t hat day (and every day since):
How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.
Knowledge is import ant , but only if were being kind and gent le wit h ourselves as we work t o
discover who we are. Wholeheart edness is as much about embracing our t enderness and
vulnerabilit y as it is about developing knowledge and claiming power.
And perhaps t he most painful lesson of t hat day hit me so hard t hat it t ook my breat h away:
It was clear from t he dat a t hat we cannot give our children what we dont have. Where we are
on our journey of living and loving wit h our whole heart s is a much st ronger indicat or of
parent ing success t han anyt hing we can learn from how-t o books.
This journey is equal part s heart work and head work, and as I sat t here on t hat dreary
November day, it was clear t o me t hat I was lacking in my own heart work.
I finally st ood up, grabbed my marker off t he t able, drew a line under t he Dont list , and t hen
wrot e t he word me under t he line. My st ruggles seemed t o be perfect ly charact erized by t he
sum t ot al of t he list .
I folded my arms t ight ly across my chest , sunk deep down int o my chair, and t hought , This is
just great. Im living straight down the shit list.
I walked around t he house for about t went y minut es t rying t o un-see and undo everyt hing
t hat had just unfolded, but I couldnt make t he words go away. I couldnt go back, so I did t he
next best t hing: I folded all of t he post er sheet s int o neat squares and t ucked t hen int o a
Rubbermaid t ub t hat fit nicely under my bed, next t o my Christ mas wrap. I wouldnt open t hat
t ub again unt il March of 2008.
Next , I got myself a really good t herapist and began a year of serious soul work t hat would
forever change my life. Diana, my t herapist , and I st ill laugh about my first visit . Diana, who is a
t herapist t o many t herapist s, st art ed wit h t he requisit e, So what s going on? I pulled out t he
Do list and mat t er-of-fact ly said, I need more of t he t hings on t his list . Some specific t ips and
t ools would be helpful. Not hing deep. No childhood crap or anyt hing.
It was a long year. I lovingly refer t o it on my blog as t he 2007 Breakdown Spirit ual
Awakening. It felt like a t ext book breakdown t o me, but Diana called it a spirit ual awakening. I
t hink we were bot h right . In fact , Im st art ing t o quest ion if you can have one wit hout t he ot her.
Of course, it s not a coincidence t hat t his unraveling happened in November 2006. The st ars
were perfect ly aligned for a breakdown: I was raw from being newly sugar and flour free, I was
days away from my birt hday (always a cont emplat ive t ime for me), I was burned out from work,
and I was right on t he cusp of my midlife unraveling.
People may call what happens at midlife a crisis, but it s not . It s an unravelinga t ime
when you feel a desperat e pull t o live t he life you want t o live, not t he one youre supposed
t o live. The unraveling is a t ime when you are challenged by t he universe t o let go of who you
t hink you are supposed t o be and t o embrace who you are.
Midlife is cert ainly one of t he great unraveling journeys, but t here are ot hers t hat happen t o
us over t he course of our lives:
marriage
divorce
becoming a parent
recovery
moving
an empt y nest
ret iring
experiencing loss or t rauma
working in a soul-sucking job
The universe is not short on wake-up calls. Were just quick t o hit t he snooze but t on.
As it t urned out , t he work I had t o do was messy and deep. I slogged t hrough it unt il one day,
exhaust ed and wit h mud st ill wet and dripping off of my t raveling shoes, I realized, Oh, my
God. I feel different . I feel joyful and real. Im st ill afraid, but I also feel really brave. Somet hing
has changedI can feel it in my bones.
I was healt hier, more joyful, and more grat eful t han I had ever felt . I felt calmer and grounded,
and significant ly less anxious. I had rekindled my creat ive life, reconnect ed wit h my family and
friends in a new way, and most import ant , felt t ruly comfort able in my own skin for t he first t ime
in my life.
I learned how t o worry more about how I felt and less about what people might t hink. I was
set t ing new boundaries and began t o let go of my need t o please, perform, and perfect . I
st art ed saying no rat her t han sure (and being resent ful and pissed off lat er). I began t o say
Oh, hell yes! rat her t han Sounds fun, but I have lot s of work t o do or Ill do t hat when Im
_________ (t hinner, less busy, bet t er prepared).
As I worked t hrough my own Wholeheart ed journey wit h Diana, I read close t o fort y books,
including every spirit ual awakening memoir I could get my hands on. They were incredibly
helpful guides, but I st ill craved a guidebook t hat could offer inspirat ion, resources, and basically
serve as a soul t ravelers companion of sort s.
One day, as I st ared at t he t all pile of books precariously st acked on my night st and, it hit me!
I want to tell this story in a memoir. Ill t ell t he st ory of how a cynical, smart -ass academic
became every bit of t he st ereot ype t hat she spent her ent ire adult life ridiculing. Ill fess up
about how I became t he middle-aged, recovering, healt h-conscious, creat ive, t ouchy-feely
spirit ualit y-seeker who spends days cont emplat ing t hings like grace, love, grat it ude, creat ivit y,
aut hent icit y, and is happier t han I imagined possible. Ill call it Wholehearted.
I also remember t hinking, Before I write the memoir, I need to use this research to write a
guidebook on Wholehearted living! By mid-2008, I had filled t hree huge t ubs wit h not ebooks,
journals, and mounds of dat a. I had also done count less hours of new research. I had
everyt hing I needed, including a passionat e desire t o writ e t he book t hat youre holding in your
hands.
On t hat fat eful November day when t he list appeared and I sunk int o t he realizat ion t hat I
wasnt living and loving wit h my whole heart , I wasnt t ot ally convinced. Seeing t he list wasnt
enough t o fully believe in it . I had t o dig very deep and make t he conscious choice t o believe
t o believe in myself and t he possibilit y of living a different life. A lot of quest ioning, count less
t ears, and a huge collect ion of joyful moment s lat er, believing has helped me see.
I now see how owning our st ory and loving ourselves t hrough t hat process is t he bravest
t hing t hat we will ever do.
I now see t hat cult ivat ing a Wholeheart ed life is not like t rying t o reach a dest inat ion. It s like
walking t oward a st ar in t he sky. We never really arrive, but we cert ainly know t hat were
heading in t he right direct ion.
I now see how gift s like courage, compassion, and connect ion only work when t hey are
exercised. Every day.
I now see how t he work of cultivating and letting go t hat shows up in t he t en guidepost s is
not t o-do list mat erial. It s not somet hing we accomplish or acquire and t hen check off our list .
It s life work. It s soul work.
For me, believing was seeing. I believed first , and only t hen I was able t o see how we can
t ruly change ourselves, our families, and our communit ies. We just have t o find t he courage t o
live and love wit h our whole heart s. It s an honor t o make t his journey wit h you!
acknowledgments
Deepest gratitude to:
Pat ricia Broat , Karen Casey, Karen Chernyaev, Kat e Crot eau, April Dahl, Ronda Dearing, Sid
Farrar, Margarit a Flores, Karen Holmes, Charles Kiley, Polly Koch, Shawn Ost rowski, Cole
Schweikhardt , Joanie Shoemaker, Dave Spohn, Diana St orms, Ashley Thill, Sue Thill, Alison
Vandenberg, Yolanda Villarreal, Jo-Lynne Worley, my Move-a-Body friends, my family, and t he
Lovebombers
Wholeheart ed living is about engaging in our lives from a place of wort hiness. It means
cult ivat ing t he courage, compassion, and connect ion t o wake up in t he morning and t hink, No
matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It s going t o bed at night
t hinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesnt change the
truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.
The Journey
Wholeheart ed living is not a onet ime choice. It is a process. In fact , I believe it s t he journey of a
lifet ime. My goal is t o bring awareness and clarit y t o t he const ellat ion of choices t hat lead t o
Wholeheart edness and t o share what Ive learned from many, many people who have
dedicat ed t hemselves t o living and loving wit h t heir whole heart s.
Before embarking on any journey, including t his one, it s import ant t o t alk about what we
need t o bring along. What does it t ake t o live and love from a place of wort hiness? How do we
embrace imperfect ion? How do we cult ivat e what we need and let go of t he t hings t hat are
holding us back? The answers t o all of t hese quest ions are courage, compassion, and
connect iont he t ools we need t o work our way t hrough our journey.
If youre t hinking, Great. I just need to be a superhero to fight perfectionism, I underst and.
Courage, compassion, and connect ion seem like big, loft y ideals. But in realit y, t hey are daily
pract ices t hat , when exercised enough, become t hese incredible gift s in our lives. And t he good
news is t hat our vulnerabilit ies are what force us t o call upon t hese amazing t ools. Because
were human and so beaut ifully imperfect , we get t o pract ice using our t ools on a daily basis. In
t his way, courage, compassion, and connect ion become gift st he gift s of imperfect ion.
Heres what youll find in t he pages t hat follow. In t he first chapt er, I explain what Ive learned
about courage, compassion, and connect ion and how t hey are t ruly t he t ools for developing
wort hiness.
Once we get some clarit y about t he t ools t hat were going t o use on t his journey, in t he next
chapt er we move t o t he heart of t he mat t er: love, belonging, and wort hiness. I answer some of
t he most difficult quest ions of my career: What is love? Can we love someone and bet ray
t hem? Why does our const ant need t o fit in sabot age real belonging? Can we love t he people
in our lives, like our part ners and children, more t han we love ourselves? How do we define
wort hiness, and why do we so oft en end up hust ling for it rat her t han believing in it ?
We encount er obst acles on every journey we make; t he Wholeheart ed journey is no
except ion. In t he next chapt er, well explore what Ive found t o be t he great est barriers t o living
and loving wit h our whole heart s and how we can develop effect ive st rat egies t o move
t hrough t he barriers and t o cult ivat e resilience.
From t here, well explore t he t en guidepost s for t he Wholeheart ed journey, daily pract ices
t hat provide direct ion for our journey. Theres one chapt er for each guidepost , and each
t hat provide direct ion for our journey. Theres one chapt er for each guidepost , and each
chapt er is illust rat ed wit h st ories, definit ions, quot es, and ideas for making deliberat e and
inspired choices about t he way we live and love.
Defining Moment s
This book is full of big-concept words such as love, belonging, and authenticity. I t hink it s
crit ically import ant t o define t he gauzy words t hat are t ossed around every day but rarely
explained. And I t hink good definit ions should be accessible and act ionable. Ive t ried t o define
t hese words in a way t hat will help us unpack t he t erm and explore t he pieces. When we dig
down past t he feel-good words and excavat e t he daily act ivit ies and experiences t hat put t he
heart in Wholeheart ed living, we can see how people define t he concept s t hat drive t heir
act ions, beliefs, and emot ions.
For example, when t he research part icipant s t alked about a concept such as love, I was
careful t o define it as t hey experienced it . Somet imes t hat required developing new definit ions
(like I act ually did wit h love and many ot her words). Ot her t imes, when I st art ed looking around
in t he exist ing lit erat ure, I found definit ions t hat capt ured t he spirit of t he part icipant s
experiences. A good example of t his is play. Play is an essent ial component t o Wholeheart ed
living, and when I researched t he t opic, I discovered t he amazing work of Dr. St uart Brown.
1
So,
rat her t han creat ing a new definit ion, I reference his work because it accurat ely reflect s what I
learned in t he research.
I realize t hat definit ions spark cont roversy and disagreement , but Im okay wit h t hat . Id
rat her we debat e t he meaning of words t hat are import ant t o us t han not discuss t hem at all.
We need common language t o help us creat e awareness and underst anding, which is
essent ial t o Wholeheart ed living.
Digging Deep
In early 2008, when my blog was st ill pret t y new, I wrot e a post about breaking my dig-deep
but t on. You know t he dig-deep but t on, right ? It s t he but t on t hat you rely on when youre t oo
bone-t ired t o get up one more t ime in t he middle of t he night or t o do one more load of t hrow-
up-diarrhea laundry or t o cat ch one more plane or t o ret urn one more call or t o
please/perform/perfect t he way you normally do even when you just want t o flip someone off
and hide under t he covers.
The dig-deep but t on is a secret level of pushing t hrough when were exhaust ed and
overwhelmed, and when t heres t oo much t o do and t oo lit t le t ime for self-care.
In my blog post , I explained how I had decided not t o fix my dig-deep but t on. I made a
promise t o myself t hat when I felt emot ionally, physically, and spirit ually done, Id t ry slowing
down rat her t han relying on my old st andbys: pushing t hrough, soldiering on, and sucking it up.
It worked for a while, but I missed my but t on. I missed having somet hing t o t urn t o when I
was deplet ed and down. I needed a t ool t o help me dig my way out . So, I t urned back t o my
research t o see if I could find a way t o dig t hat was more consist ent wit h Wholeheart ed living.
Maybe t here was somet hing bet t er t han just sucking it up.
Heres what I found: Men and women who live Wholeheart edly do indeed DIG Deep. They
just do it in a different way. When t heyre exhaust ed and overwhelmed, t hey get
Del i berat e i n t hei r t hought s and behavi ors t hrough prayer, medi t at i on, or si mpl y set t i ng t hei r i nt ent i ons;
I nspi red t o make new and di f f erent c hoi c es;
Goi ng. They t ake ac t i on.
Since I made t hat discovery, Ive been DIGging Deep t he new way, and it s been pret t y
amazing. One example happened just recent ly when I was lost in an Int ernet fog. Rat her t han
working, I was just lulling myself int o a haze by mindlessly playing on Facebook and piddling on
t he comput er. It was neit her relaxing nor product iveit was just a giant t ime and energy suck.
I t ried t he new DIG Deepget deliberat e, inspired, and going. I t old myself, If you need t o
refuel and losing yourself online is fun and relaxing, t hen do it . If not , do somet hing deliberat ely
relaxing. Find somet hing inspiring t o do rat her t han somet hing soul-sucking. Then, last but not
least , get up and do it ! I closed my lapt op, said a lit t le prayer t o remind myself t o be self-
compassionat e, and wat ched a movie t hat had been sit t ing in a Net flix envelope on my desk
for over a mont h. It was exact ly what I needed.
It wasnt t he old Dig Deept he pushing t hrough. I didnt force myself t o st art working or t o
do somet hing product ive. Rat her, I prayerfully, int ent ionally, and t hought fully did somet hing
rest orat ive.
Each guidepost has a DIG Deep sect ion t o help us st art t hinking about how we get
deliberat e and inspired about our choices, and how we t ake act ion. I share my personal DIG
Deep st rat egies wit h you and I encourage you t o come up wit h your own. These new
st rat egies have been so much more effect ive t han t he old pushing t hrough.
What I Hope t o Cont ribut e
This book is full of powerful t opics such as self-compassion, accept ance, and grat it ude. Im not
t he first t o t alk about t hese subject s, and Im cert ainly not t he smart est researcher or t he most
t alent ed writ er. I am, however, t he first t o explain how t hese t opics work individually and
t oget her t o cult ivat e Wholeheart ed living. And, maybe more import ant , Im cert ainly t he first
person t o come at t hese t opics from t he perspect ive of someone who has spent years
st udying shame and fear.
I cant t ell you how many t imes I want ed t o give up my research on shame. It s ext remely
difficult t o dedicat e your career t o st udying t opics t hat make people squeamish. On several
occasions Ive lit erally t hrown my hands up and said, I quit . It s t oo hard. There are so many
cool t hings t o st udy. I want out of t his! I didnt choose t o st udy shame and fear; t he research
chose me.
Now I know why. It was what I neededprofessionally and personallyt o prepare for t his
work on Wholeheart edness. We can t alk about courage and love and compassion unt il we
sound like a greet ing card st ore, but unless were willing t o have an honest conversat ion about
what get s in t he way of put t ing t hese int o pract ice in our daily lives, we will never change.
Never, ever.
Courage sounds great , but we need t o t alk about how it requires us t o let go of what ot her
people t hink, and for most of us, t hat s scary. Compassion is somet hing we all want , but are we
willing t o look at why boundary-set t ing and saying no is a crit ical component of compassion?
Are we willing t o say no, even if were disappoint ing someone? Belonging is an essent ial
component of Wholeheart ed living, but first we have t o cult ivat e self-accept ancewhy is t his
such a st ruggle?
Before I st art writ ing, I always ask myself, Why is t his book wort h writ ing? What s t he
cont ribut ion t hat Im hoping t o make? Ironically, I t hink t he most valuable cont ribut ion t hat I
can make t o t he ongoing discussions about love, belonging, and wort hiness st ems from my
experiences as a shame researcher.
Coming at t his work wit h a full underst anding of how t he shame t apes and gremlins keep us
feeling afraid and small allows me t o do more t han present great ideas; t his perspect ive helps
me share real st rat egies for changing our lives. If we want t o know why were all so afraid t o let
our t rue selves be seen and known, we have t o underst and t he power of shame and fear. If we
cant st and up t o t he never good enough and who do you think you are? we cant move
forward.
I only wish t hat during t hose desperat e and defeat ed moment s of my past , when I was
knee-deep in shame research, I could have known what I know now. If I could go back and
whisper in my ear, Id t ell myself t he same t hing t hat Ill t ell you as we begin t his journey:
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging
and joythe experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
Pract icing courage, compassion, and connect ion in our daily lives is how we cult ivat e
wort hiness. The key word is practice. Mary Daly, a t heologian, writ es, Courage is likeit s a
habit us, a habit , a virt ue: You get it by courageous act s. It s like you learn t o swim by swimming.
You learn courage by couraging. The same is t rue for compassion and connect ion. We invit e
compassion int o our lives when we act compassionat ely t oward ourselves and ot hers, and we
feel connect ed in our lives when we reach out and connect .
Before I define t hese concept s and t alk about how t hey work, I want t o show you how t hey
work t oget her in real lifeas pract ices. This is a personal st ory about t he courage t o reach
out , t he compassion t hat comes from saying, Ive been t here, and t he connect ions t hat fuel
our wort hiness.
The Gun-for-Hire Shame St orm
Not t oo long ago, t he principal of a large public element ary school and t he president of t he
schools parent -t eacher organizat ion (PTO) invit ed me t o speak t o a group of parent s about
t he relat ionship bet ween resilience and boundaries. I was in t he process of collect ing dat a
about Wholeheart ed parent ing and schools at t he t ime, so I was excit ed about t he
opport unit y. I had no idea what I was get t ing myself int o.
The second I walked int o t he school audit orium, I felt t his really st range vibe from t he
parent s in t he audience. They almost seemed agit at ed.
I asked t he principal about it , and she just shrugged her shoulders and walked away. The
PTO president didnt have much t o say about it eit her. I chalked it up t o my nerves and t ried t o
let it go.
I was sit t ing in t he front row when t he principal int roduced me. This is always a very awkward
experience for me. Someone is running t hrough a list of my accomplishment s while Im secret ly
t rying t o st ave off vomit ing and t alking myself out of running. Well, t his int roduct ion was
beyond anyt hing I had ever experienced.
The principal was saying t hings like, You might not like what youre going t o hear t onight ,
but we need t o list en for t he sake of our children. Dr. Brown is here t o t ransform our school and
our lives! Shes going t o set us st raight whet her we like it or not !
She was t alking in t his loud, aggressive voice t hat made her seem downright pissed off. I felt
like I was being int roduced for WWE Wrest leMania. All we needed were t he Jock Jams and a
few st robe light s.
In hindsight , I should have walked up t o t he podium and said, Im feeling very uncomfort able.
Im excit ed t o be here, but Im cert ainly not here t o set anyone st raight . I also dont want you t o
t hink t hat Im t rying t o t ransform your school in an hour. What s going on?
But I didnt . I just st art ed t alking in my vulnerable Im-a-researcher-but -Im-also-a-st ruggling-
parent way. Well, t he die had been cast . These parent s were not recept ive. Inst ead, I felt row
aft er row of people glaring at me.
One man, who was sit t ing right up front , had his arms folded across his chest and his t eet h
clenched so t ight ly t hat t he veins in his neck were popping out . Every t hree or four minut es
hed shift in his seat , roll his eyes, and sigh louder t han Ive ever heard anyone sigh. It was so
loud t hat Im barely comfort able calling it a sigh. It was more like a humph! It was so bad t hat
t he people next t o him were visibly mort ified by his behavior. They were st ill inexplicably
unhappy wit h me, but he was making t he ent ire evening unbearable for all of us.
As an experienced t eacher and group leader, I know how t o handle t hese sit uat ions and am
normally comfort able doing so. When someone is being disrupt ive, you really only have t wo
choices: ignore him or t ake a break so t hat you can privat ely confront him about his
inappropriat e behavior. I was so knocked off my game by t his weird experience t hat I did t he
very worst t hing possible: I t ried t o impress him.
I st art ed t alking louder and get t ing really animat ed. I quot ed scary research st at ist ics t hat
would freak out any parent . I served up my aut hent icit y for a big ole helping of You better listen
to me or your kids are going to drop out of third grade and take up hitchhiking, drugs, and
running with scissors.
Not hing. Nada.
I didnt get a head nod or a slight grin or anyt hing. I just managed t o freak out t he ot her 250
already-pissy parent s. It was a disast er. Trying t o co-opt or win over someone like t hat guy is
always a mist ake, because it means t rading in your aut hent icit y for approval. You st op
believing in your wort hiness and st art hust ling for it . And, oh man, was I hust ling.
The second t he t alk ended, I grabbed my st uff and ran-walked t o my car. As I was pulling out
of t he parking lot , my face was growing hot t er. I felt small and my heart was racing. I t ried t o
push back t he inst ant replay of me act ing crazy, but I couldnt st op t hinking about it . The
shame st orm was brewing.
When t he shame winds are whipping all around me, it s almost impossible t o hold on t o any
perspect ive or t o recall anyt hing good about myself. I went right int o t he bad self-t alk of God,
Im such an idiot. Why did I do that?
The great est gift of having done t his work (t he research and t he personal work) is t hat I can
recognize shame when it s happening. First , I know my physical sympt oms of shamet he dry
mout h, t ime slowing down, t unnel vision, hot face, racing heart . I know t hat playing t he painful
slow-mot ion reel over and over in my head is a warning sign.
I also know t hat t he very best t hing t o do when t his is happening feels t ot ally
count erint uit ive: Pract ice courage and reach out ! We have t o own our st ory and share it wit h
someone who has earned t he right t o hear it , someone whom we can count on t o respond
wit h compassion. We need courage, compassion, and connect ion. ASAP.
Shame hat es it when we reach out and t ell our st ory. It hat es having words wrapped around
it it cant survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous t hing t o do aft er a
shaming experience is hide or bury our st ory. When we bury our st ory, t he shame
met ast asizes. I remember saying out loud: I need t o t alk t o someone RIGHT NOW. Be brave,
Bren!
But heres t he t ricky part about compassion and connect ing: We cant call just anyone. It s
not t hat simple. I have a lot of good friends, but t here are only a handful of people whom I can
count on t o pract ice compassion when Im in t he dark shame place.
If we share our shame st ory wit h t he wrong person, t hey can easily become one more piece
of flying debris in an already dangerous st orm. We want solid connect ion in a sit uat ion like t his
somet hing akin t o a st urdy t ree firmly plant ed in t he ground. We definit ely want t o avoid t he
following:
1. The friend who hears t he st ory and act ually feels shame for you. She gasps and confirms
how horrified you should be. Then t here is awkward silence. Then you have t o make her
feel bet t er.
2. The friend who responds wit h sympat hy (I feel so sorry for you) rat her t han empat hy (I
get it , I feel wit h you, and Ive been t here). If you want t o see a shame cyclone t urn
deadly, t hrow one of t hese at it : Oh, you poor t hing. Or, t he incredibly passive-
aggressive sout hern version of sympat hy: Bless your heart .
3. The friend who needs you t o be t he pillar of wort hiness and aut hent icit y. She cant help
because shes t oo disappoint ed in your imperfect ions. Youve let her down.
4. The friend who is so uncomfort able wit h vulnerabilit y t hat she scolds you: How did you
let t his happen? What were you t hinking? Or she looks for someone t o blame: Who
was t hat guy? Well kick his ass.
5. The friend who is all about making it bet t er and, out of her own discomfort , refuses t o
acknowledge t hat you can act ually be crazy and make t errible choices: Youre
exaggerat ing. It wasnt t hat bad. You rock. Youre perfect . Everyone loves you.
6. The friend who confuses connect ion wit h t he opport unit y t o one-up you: That s
not hing. List en t o what happened t o me one t ime!
Of course, were all capable of being t hese friendsespecially if someone t ells us a st ory
t hat get s right up in our own shame grill. Were human, imperfect , and vulnerable. It s hard t o
pract ice compassion when were st ruggling wit h our aut hent icit y or when our own wort hiness
is off balance.
When were looking for compassion, we need someone who is deeply root ed, able t o bend,
and, most of all, we need someone who embraces us for our st rengt hs and st ruggles. We need
t o honor our st ruggle by sharing it wit h someone who has earned t he right t o hear it . When
were looking for compassion, it s about connect ing wit h t he right person at t he right time about
t he right issue.
I called my sist er. It s only been since t he 2007 Breakdown Spirit ual Awakening t hat Ive
called one of my sist ers or my brot her for shame-cyclone support . Im four years older t han my
brot her and eight years older t han my sist ers (t heyre t wins). Before 2007, I was pret t y vest ed
in being t he older, perfect (aka upt ight , bet t er t han, and judgment al) sist er.
Ashley was amazing. She list ened and responded wit h t ot al compassion. She had t he
courage t o t ap int o her own st ruggles wit h wort hiness so t hat she could genuinely connect t o
what I was experiencing. She said wonderfully honest and empat hic t hings like, Oh, man.
That s so hard. Ive done t hat dance. I hat e t hat feeling! That may not be what someone else
would need t o hear, but for me it was t he best .
Ashley wasnt uproot ed and t hrown int o t he st orm creat ed by my experience. She also
wasnt so rigid t hat she snapped wit h judgment and blame. She didnt t ry t o fix me or make me
feel bet t er; she just list ened and had t he courage t o share some of her own vulnerabilit ies wit h
me.
I felt t ot ally exposed and complet ely loved and accept ed at t he same t ime (which is t he
definit ion of compassion for me). Trust me when I t ell you t hat shame and fear cant t olerat e
t hat kind of powerful connect ion surging bet ween people. That s exact ly why courage,
compassion, and connect ion are t he t ools we need for t he Wholeheart ed journey. To t op it off,
my willingness t o let someone I care about see me as imperfect led t o a st rengt hening of our
relat ionship t hat cont inues t odayt hat s why I can call courage, compassion, and connect ion
t he gift s of imperfect ion. When were willing t o be imperfect and real, t hese gift s just keep
giving.
Just a quick follow-up to the story: About a week after the wrestling match/parenting talk, I
found out that the school was experiencing a hovering problemparents were in the
classrooms all day and interfering with instruction and class management. Without telling me,
the principal and PTO president had required the parents to attend my lecture. They told the
parents that I was coming to tell them why they needed to stop hovering. In other words, I was
set up as a helicopter-parent mercenary. Not good. I may not be a fan of hovering in the
classroom, but Im also not a parenting gun-for-hire. The irony is that I had no idea that was an
issue, so I never even mentioned the topic.
Wit h t his st ory in mind, let s t ake a closer look at each of t he concept s of Wholeheart edness
and how t hey work t oget her.
Courage
Courage is a huge t heme in my life. It seems t hat eit her Im praying for some, feeling grat eful for
having found a lit t le bit , appreciat ing it in ot her people, or st udying it . I dont t hink t hat makes
me unique. Everyone want s t o be brave.
Aft er int erviewing people about t he t rut hs of t heir livest heir st rengt hs and st rugglesI
realized t hat courage is one of t he most import ant qualit ies t hat Wholeheart ed people have in
common. And not just any kind of courage; I found t hat Wholeheart edness requires ordinary
courage. Heres what I mean
The root of t he word courage is cort he Lat in word for heart. In one of it s earliest forms, t he
word courage had a very different definit ion t han it does t oday. Courage originally meant To
speak ones mind by t elling all ones heart . Over t ime, t his definit ion has changed, and, t oday,
courage is more synonymous wit h being heroic. Heroics is import ant and we cert ainly need
heroes, but I t hink weve lost t ouch wit h t he idea t hat speaking honest ly and openly about who
we are, about what were feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is t he definit ion of
courage. Heroics is oft en about put t ing our life on t he line. Ordinary courage is about put t ing
our vulnerability on t he line. In t odays world, t hat s pret t y ext raordinary.
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When we pay at t ent ion, we see courage every day. We see it when people reach out for
help, like I did wit h Ashley. I see it in my classroom when a st udent raises her hand and says,
Im complet ely lost . I have no idea what youre t alking about . Do you know how incredibly
brave it is t o say I dont know when youre pret t y sure everyone around you get s it ? Of
course, in my t welve-plus years of t eaching, I know t hat if one person can find t he courage t o
say, Youve lost me, t here are probably at least t en more st udent s who feel t he exact same
way. They may not t ake t he risk, but t hey cert ainly benefit from t hat one persons courage.
I saw courage in my daught er, Ellen, when she called me from a slumber part y at 10:30 p.m.
and said, Mom, can you come get me? When I picked her up, she got in t he car and said, Im
sorry. I just wasnt brave enough. I got homesick. It was so hard. Everyone was asleep, and I
had t o walk t o Libbys moms bedroom and wake her up.
I pulled int o our driveway, got out of t he car, and walked around t o t he backseat where Ellen
was sit t ing. I scoot ed her over and sat next t o her. I said, Ellen, I t hink asking for what you
need is one of t he bravest t hings t hat youll ever do. I suffered t hrough a couple of really
miserable sleepovers and slumber part ies because I was t oo afraid t o ask t o go home. Im
proud of you.
The next morning during breakfast , Ellen said, I t hought about what you said. Can I be brave
again and ask for somet hing else? I smiled. I have anot her slumber part y next weekend.
Would you be willing t o pick me up at bedt ime? Im just not ready. That s courage. The kind we
could all use more of.
I also see courage in myself when Im willing t o risk being vulnerable and disappoint ed. For
many years, if I really want ed somet hing t o happenan invit at ion t o speak at a special
conference, a promot ion, a radio int erviewI pret ended t hat it didnt mat t er t hat much. If a
friend or colleague would ask, Are you excit ed about t hat t elevision int erview? Id shrug it off
and say, Im not sure. It s not t hat big of a deal. Of course, in realit y, I was praying t hat it would
happen.
It s only been in t he last few years t hat Ive learned t hat playing down t he excit ing st uff
doesnt t ake t he pain away when it doesnt happen. It does, however, minimize t he joy when it
does happen. It also creat es a lot of isolat ion. Once youve diminished t he import ance of
somet hing, your friends are not likely t o call and say, Im sorry t hat didnt work out . I know you
were excit ed about it .
Now when someone asks me about a pot ent ial opport unit y t hat Im excit ed about , Im more
likely t o pract ice courage and say, Im so excit ed about t he possibilit y. Im t rying t o st ay
realist ic, but I really hope it happens. When t hings havent panned out , it s been comfort ing t o
be able t o call a support ive friend and say, Remember t hat event I t old you about ? It s not
going t o happen, and Im so bummed.
I recent ly saw anot her example of ordinary courage at my son Charlies preschool. Parent s
were invit ed t o at t end a holiday music present at ion put on by t he kids. You know t he scene
t went y-five children singing wit h fift y-plus parent s, grandparent s, and siblings in t he audience
wielding t hirt y-nine video cameras. The parent s were holding up cameras in t he air and
randomly snapping pict ures while t hey scrambled t o make sure t hat t heir kids knew t hey were
t here and on t ime.
In addit ion t o all t he commot ion in t he audience, one t hree-year-old girl, who was new t o t he
class, cried her way t hrough t he ent ire performance because she couldnt see her mom from
t he makeshift st age. As it t urns out , her mot her was st uck in t raffic and missed t he
performance. By t he t ime her mot her arrived, I was kneeling by t he classroom door t elling
Charlie good-bye. From my low vant age point , I wat ched t he girls mot her burst t hrough t he
door and immediat ely st art scanning t he room t o find her daught er. Just as I was get t ing ready
t o st and up and point her t oward t he back of t he classroom where a t eacher was holding her
daught er, anot her mot her walked by us, looked st raight at t his st ressed mom, shook her head,
and rolled her eyes.
I st ood up, t ook a deep breat h, and t ried t o reason wit h t he part of me t hat want ed t o chase
aft er t he bet t er-t han-you eye-rolling mom and kick her perfect ly punct ual ass. Just t hen t wo
more moms walked up t o t his now t earful mot her and smiled. One of t he mot hers put her hand
on t op of t he womans shoulder and said, Weve all been t here. I missed t he last one. I wasnt
just lat e. I complet ely forgot . I wat ched as t he womans face soft ened, and she wiped away a
t ear. The second woman looked at her and said, My son was t he only one who wasnt wearing
pajamas on PJ Dayhe st ill t ells me it was t he most rot t en day ever. It will be okay. Were all in
t he same boat .
By t he t ime t his mot her made it t o t he back of t he room where t he t eacher was st ill
comfort ing her daught er, she looked calm. Somet hing t hat Im sure came in handy when her
daught er lunged for her from about six feet away. The moms who st opped and shared t heir
st ories of imperfect ion and vulnerabilit y were pract icing courage. They t ook t he t ime t o st op
and say, Heres my st ory. Youre not alone. They didnt have t o st op and share; t hey could
have easily joined t he perfect -parent parade and marched right by her.
As t hese st ories illust rat e, courage has a ripple effect . Every t ime we choose courage, we
make everyone around us a lit t le bet t er and t he world a lit t le braver. And our world could st and
t o be a lit t le kinder and braver.
Compassion
To prepare for writ ing my book on shame, I read everyt hing I could find on compassion. I
ult imat ely found a powerful fit bet ween t he st ories I heard in t he int erviews and t he work of
American Buddhist nun Pema Chdrn. In her book The Places That Scare You, Chdrn
writ es, When we pract ice generat ing compassion, we can expect t o experience t he fear of our
pain. Compassion pract ice is daring. It involves learning t o relax and allow ourselves t o move
gent ly t oward what scares us.
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What I love about Chdrns definit ion is her honest y about t he vulnerabilit y of pract icing
compassion. If we t ake a closer look at t he origin of t he word compassion, much like we did
wit h courage, we see why compassion is not t ypically our first response t o suffering. The word
compassion is derived from t he Lat in words pati and cum, meaning t o suffer wit h. I dont
believe t hat compassion is our default response. I t hink our first response t o painours or
someone elsesis t o self-prot ect . We prot ect ourselves by looking for someone or somet hing
t o blame. Or somet imes we shield ourselves by t urning t o judgment or by immediat ely going
int o fix-it mode.
Chdrn addresses our t endency t o self-prot ect by t eaching t hat we must be honest and
forgiving about when and how we shut down: In cult ivat ing compassion we draw from t he
wholeness of our experienceour suffering, our empat hy, as well as our cruelt y and t error. It
has t o be t his way. Compassion is not a relat ionship bet ween t he healer and t he wounded. It s
a relat ionship bet ween equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present
wit h t he darkness of ot hers. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared
humanit y.
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In my st ory, Ashley was willing t o be in my darkness wit h me. She wasnt t here as my helper
or t o fix me; she was just wit h meas an equalholding my hand as I waded t hrough my
feelings.
Boundaries and Compassion
One of t he great est (and least discussed) barriers t o compassion pract ice is t he fear of set t ing
boundaries and holding people account able. I know it sounds st range, but I believe t hat
underst anding t he connect ion bet ween boundaries, account abilit y, accept ance, and
compassion has made me a kinder person. Before t he breakdown, I was sweet erjudgment al,
resent ful, and angry on t he insidebut sweet er on t he out side. Today, I t hink Im genuinely
more compassionat e, less judgment al and resent ful, and way more serious about boundaries. I
have no idea what t his combinat ion looks like on t he out side, but it feels pret t y powerful on t he
inside.
Before t his research, I knew a lot about each one of t hese concept s, but I didnt underst and
how t hey fit t oget her. During t he int erviews, it blew my mind when I realized t hat many of t he
t ruly commit t ed compassion pract it ioners were also t he most boundary-conscious people in
t he st udy. Compassionat e people are boundaried people. I was st unned.
Heres what I learned: The heart of compassion is really accept ance. The bet t er we are at
accept ing ourselves and ot hers, t he more compassionat e we become. Well, it s difficult t o
accept people when t hey are hurt ing us or t aking advant age of us or walking all over us. This
research has t aught me t hat if we really want t o pract ice compassion, we have t o st art by
set t ing boundaries and holding people account able for t heir behavior.
We live in a blame cult urewe want t o know whose fault it is and how t heyre going t o pay.
In our personal, social, and polit ical worlds, we do a lot of screaming and finger-point ing, but we
rarely hold people account able. How could we? Were so exhaust ed from rant ing and raving
t hat we dont have t he energy t o develop meaningful consequences and enforce t hem. From
Washingt on, DC, and Wall St reet t o our own schools and homes, I t hink t his rage-blame-t oo-
t ired-and-busy-t o-follow-t hrough mind-set is why were so heavy on self-right eous anger and
so low on compassion.
Wouldnt it be bet t er if we could be kinder, but firmer? How would our lives be different if
t here were less anger and more account abilit y? What would our work and home lives look like
if we blamed less but had more respect for boundaries?
I was recent ly brought in t o t alk wit h a group of corporat e leaders who were t rying t o
manage a difficult reorganizat ion in t heir company. One of t he project managers t old me t hat ,
aft er list ening t o me t alk about t he dangers of using shame as a management t ool, he was
worried t hat he shamed his t eam members. He t old me t hat when he get s really frust rat ed, he
singles people out and crit icizes t heir work in t eam meet ings.
He explained, Im so frust rat ed. I have t wo employees who just dont list en. I explain every
single det ail of t he project , I check t o make sure t hey underst and, and t hey still do it t heir way.
Im out of opt ions. I feel backed int o a corner and angry, so I t ake t hem down in front of t heir
colleagues.
When I asked him how he was holding t hese t wo employees account able for not following
t he project prot ocol, he replied, What do you mean by account able?
I explained, Aft er you check wit h t hem t o make sure t hey underst and your expect at ions
and t he object ives, how do you explain t he consequences of not following t he plan or not
meet ing t he object ives?
He said, I dont t alk about t he consequences. They know t heyre supposed t o follow t he
prot ocol.
I gave him an example, Okay. What would happen if you t old t hem t hat you were going t o
writ e t hem up or give t hem an official warning t he next t ime t hey violat ed prot ocol and t hat if it
cont inues, t heyre going t o lose t heir jobs?
He shook his head and said, Oh, no. That s pret t y serious. Id have t o get t he human
resources people involved. That becomes a big hassle.
Set t ing boundaries and holding people account able is a lot more work t han shaming and
blaming. But it s also much more effect ive. Shaming and blaming wit hout account abilit y is t oxic
t o couples, families, organizat ions, and communit ies. First , when we shame and blame, it moves
t he focus from t he original behavior in quest ion t o our own behavior. By t he t ime t his boss is
finished shaming and humiliat ing his employees in front of t heir colleagues, t he only behavior in
quest ion is his.
Addit ionally, if we dont follow t hrough wit h appropriat e consequences, people learn t o
dismiss our request seven if t hey sound like t hreat s or ult imat ums. If we ask our kids t o keep
t heir clot hes off t he floor and t hey know t hat t he only consequence of not doing it is a few
minut es of yelling, it s fair for t hem t o believe t hat it s really not t hat import ant t o us.
It s hard for us t o underst and t hat we can be compassionat e and accept ing while we hold
people account able for t heir behaviors. We can, and, in fact , it s t he best way t o do it . We can
confront someone about t heir behavior, or fire someone, or fail a st udent , or discipline a child
wit hout berat ing t hem or put t ing t hem down. The key is t o separat e people from t heir
behaviorst o address what t heyre doing, not who t hey are (Ill t alk more about t his in t he next
chapt er). It s also import ant t hat we can lean int o t he discomfort t hat comes wit h st raddling
compassion and boundaries. We have t o st ay away from convincing ourselves t hat we hat e
someone or t hat t hey deserve t o feel bad so t hat we can feel bet t er about holding t hem
account able. That s where we get int o t rouble. When we t alk ourselves int o disliking someone
so were more comfort able holding t hem account able, were priming ourselves for t he shame
and blame game.
When we fail t o set boundaries and hold people account able, we feel used and mist reat ed.
This is why we somet imes at t ack who t hey are, which is far more hurt ful t han addressing a
behavior or a choice. For our own sake, we need t o underst and t hat it s dangerous t o our
relat ionships and our well-being t o get mired in shame and blame, or t o be full of self-right eous
anger. It s also impossible t o pract ice compassion from a place of resent ment . If were going t o
pract ice accept ance and compassion, we need boundaries and account abilit y.
Connect ion
I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and
valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance
and strength from the relationship.
Ashley and I felt deeply connect ed aft er our experience. I know I was seen, heard, and
valued. Even t hough it was scary, I was able t o reach out for support and help. And we bot h
felt st rengt hened and fulfilled. In fact , a couple of weeks lat er, Ashley said, I cant t ell you how
glad I am t hat you called me t hat day. It helped me so much t o know t hat Im not t he only one
who does st uff like t hat . I also love knowing t hat I can help you and t hat you t rust me.
Connect ion beget s connect ion.
As a mat t er of fact , we are wired for connect ion. It s in our biology. From t he t ime we are
born, we need connect ion t o t hrive emot ionally, physically, spirit ually, and int ellect ually. A
decade ago, t he idea t hat were wired for connect ion might have been perceived as t ouchy-
feely or New Age. Today, we know t hat t he need for connect ion is more t han a feeling or a
hunch. It s hard science. Neuroscience, t o be exact .
In his book Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, Daniel Goleman
explores how t he lat est findings in biology and neuroscience confirm t hat we are hardwired for
connect ion and t hat our relat ionships shape our biology as well as our experiences. Goleman
writ es, Even our most rout ine encount ers act as regulat ors in t he brain, priming our emot ions,
some desirable, ot hers not . The more st rongly connect ed we are wit h someone emot ionally,
t he great er t he mut ual force.
4
It s amazingyet perhaps not surprisingt hat t he
connect edness we experience in our relat ionships impact s t he way our brain develops and
performs.
Our innat e need for connect ion makes t he consequences of disconnect ion t hat much more
real and dangerous. Somet imes we only think were connect ed. Technology, for inst ance, has
become a kind of impost er for connect ion, making us believe were connect ed when were
really not at least not in t he ways we need t o be. In our t echnology-crazed world, weve
confused being communicat ive wit h feeling connect ed. Just because were plugged in, doesnt
mean we feel seen and heard. In fact , hyper-communicat ion can mean we spend more t ime on
Facebook t han we do face-t o-face wit h t he people we care about . I cant t ell you how many
t imes Ive walked int o a rest aurant and seen t wo parent s on t heir cell phones while t heir kids
are busy t ext ing or playing video games. What s t he point of even sit t ing t oget her?
As we t hink about t he definit ion of connect ion and how easy it is t o mist ake t echnology for
connect ing, we also need t o consider let t ing go of t he myt h of self-sufficiency. One of t he
great est barriers t o connect ion is t he cult ural import ance we place on going it alone.
Somehow weve come t o equat e success wit h not needing anyone. Many of us are willing t o
ext end a helping hand, but were very reluct ant t o reach out for help when we need it
ourselves. It s as if weve divided t he world int o t hose who offer help and t hose who need
help. The t rut h is t hat we are bot h.
Ive learned so much about giving and receiving from t he men and women who are engaged
in Wholeheart ed living but not hing more import ant t han t his:
Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.
For years, I placed value on being t he helper in my family. I could help wit h a crisis or lend
money or dispense advice. I was always happy t o help ot hers, but I would have never called my
siblings t o ask t hem for help, especially for support during a shame st orm. At t he t ime, I would
have vehement ly denied at t aching judgment t o my generous giving. But now, I underst and
how I derived self-wort h from never needing help and always offering it .
During t he breakdown, I needed help. I needed support and hand-holding and advice. Thank
God! Turning t o my younger brot her and sist ers complet ely shift ed our family dynamics. I
gained permission t o fall apart and be imperfect , and t hey could share t heir st rengt h and
incredible wisdom wit h me. If connect ion is t he energy t hat surges bet ween people, we have t o
remember t hat t hose surges must t ravel in bot h direct ions.
The Wholeheart ed journey is not t he pat h of least resist ance. It s a pat h of consciousness
and choice. And, t o be honest , it s a lit t le count ercult ure. The willingness t o t ell our st ories, feel
t he pain of ot hers, and st ay genuinely connect ed in t his disconnect ed world is not somet hing
we can do halfheart edly.
To pract ice courage, compassion, and connect ion is t o look at life and t he people around us,
and say, Im all in.
Love is the most important thing in our lives,
a passion for which we would fight or die, and yet were
reluctant to linger over its names. Without a supple
vocabulary, we cant even talk or think about it directly.
DI ANE ACKERMAN
Love and belonging are essent ial t o t he human experience. As I conduct ed my int erviews, I
realized t hat only one thing separat ed t he men and women who felt a deep sense of love and
belonging from t he people who seem t o be st ruggling for it . That one t hing is t he belief in t heir
wort hiness. It s as simple and complicat ed as t his: If we want t o fully experience love and
belonging, we must believe t hat we are worthy of love and belonging.
When we can let go of what ot her people t hink and own our st ory, we gain access t o our
wort hinesst he feeling t hat we are enough just as we are and t hat we are wort hy of love and
belonging. When we spend a lifet ime t rying t o dist ance ourselves from t he part s of our lives
t hat dont fit wit h who we t hink were supposed t o be, we st and out side of our st ory and hust le
for our wort hiness by const ant ly performing, perfect ing, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of
wort hinesst hat crit ically import ant piece t hat gives us access t o love and belonginglives
inside of our st ory.
The great est challenge for most of us is believing t hat we are wort hy now, right t his minut e.
Wort hiness doesnt have prerequisit es. So many of us have knowingly creat ed/unknowingly
allowed/been handed down a long list of wort hiness prerequisit es:
Ill be wort hy when I lose t went y pounds.
Ill be wort hy if I can get pregnant .
Ill be wort hy if I get /st ay sober.
Ill be wort hy if everyone t hinks Im a good parent .
Ill be wort hy when I can make a living selling my art .
Ill be wort hy if I can hold my marriage t oget her.
Ill be wort hy when I make part ner.
Ill be wort hy when my parent s finally approve.
Ill be wort hy if he calls back and asks me out .
Ill be wort hy when I can do it all and look like Im not even t rying.
Heres what is t ruly at t he heart of Wholeheart edness: Wort hy now. Not if. Not when. We are
wort hy of love and belonging now. Right t his minut e. As is.
In addit ion t o let t ing go of t he ifs and whens, anot her crit ical piece of owning our st ory and
claiming our wort hiness is cult ivat ing a bet t er underst anding of love and belonging. Oddly
enough, we desperat ely need bot h but rarely t alk about what t hey really are and how t hey
work. Let s t ake a look.
Defining Love and Belonging
For years I avoided using t he word love in my research because I didnt know how t o define it ,
and I wasnt sure t hat Cmon, you know, love as a definit ion would fly. I also couldnt rely on
quot es or song lyrics, however much t hey might inspire me and speak t rut h t o me. It s not my
t raining as a researcher.
As much as we need and want love, we dont spend much t ime t alking about what it means.
Think about it . You might say I love you every day, but whens t he last t ime you had a serious
conversat ion wit h someone about t he meaning of love? In t his way, love is t he mirror image of
shame. We desperat ely dont want t o experience shame, and were not willing t o t alk about it .
Yet t he only way t o resolve shame is t o t alk about it . Maybe were afraid of t opics like love and
shame. Most of us like safet y, cert aint y, and clarit y. Shame and love are grounded in
vulnerabilit y and t enderness.
Belonging is anot her t opic t hat is essent ial t o t he human experience but rarely discussed.
Most of us use t he t erms fitting in and belonging int erchangeably, and like many of you, Im
really good at fit t ing in. We know exact ly how t o hust le for approval and accept ance. We know
what t o wear, what t o t alk about , how t o make people happy, what not t o ment ionwe know
how t o chameleon our way t hrough t he day.
One of t he biggest surprises in t his research was learning t hat fit t ing in and belonging are
not t he same t hing, and, in fact , fit t ing in get s in t he way of belonging. Fit t ing in is about
assessing a sit uat ion and becoming who you need t o be t o be accept ed. Belonging, on t he
ot her hand, doesnt require us t o change who we are; it requires us t o be who we are.
Before I share my definit ions wit h you, I want t o point out t hree issues t hat Im willing t o call
t rut hs.
Love and belonging will always be uncert ain. Even t hough connect ion and relat ionship
are t he most crit ical component s of life, we simply cannot accurat ely measure t hem. Relat ional
concept s dont t ranslat e int o bubbled answer sheet s. Relat ionship and connect ion happen in
an indefinable space bet ween people, a space t hat will never be fully known or underst ood by
us. Everyone who risks explaining love and belonging is hopefully doing t he best t hey can t o
answer an unanswerable quest ion. Myself included.
Love belongs wit h belonging. One of t he most surprising t hings t hat unfolded in my
research is t he pairing of cert ain t erms. I cant separat e t he concept s of love and belonging
because when people spoke of one, t hey always t alked about t he ot her. The same holds t rue
for t he concept s of joy and grat it ude, which Ill t alk about it in a lat er chapt er. When emot ions
or experiences are so t ight ly woven t oget her in peoples st ories t hat t hey dont speak of one
wit hout t he ot her, it s not an accident al ent anglement ; it s an int ent ional knot . Love belongs
wit h belonging.
Of t his, I am act ually cert ain. Aft er collect ing t housands of st ories, Im willing t o call t his a fact :
A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and
children. We are biologically, cognit ively, physically, and spirit ually wired t o love, t o be loved,
and t o belong. When t hose needs are not met , we dont funct ion as we were meant t o. We
break. We fall apart . We numb. We ache. We hurt ot hers. We get sick. There are cert ainly ot her
causes of illness, numbing, and hurt , but t he absence of love and belonging will always lead t o
suffering.
It t ook me t hree years t o whit t le t hese definit ions and concept s from a decade of int erviews.
Let s t ake a look.
Lo ve:
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect,
kindness, and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of themwe can only
love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.
Bel o ng i ng :
Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only
hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be
greater than our level of self-acceptance.
One reason t hat it t akes me so long t o develop t hese concept s is t hat I oft en dont want
t hem t o be t rue. It would be different if I st udied t he effect of bird poop on pot t ing soil, but t his
st uff is personal and oft en painful. Somet imes, as I t urned t o t he dat a t o craft definit ions like
t he ones above, I would cry. I didnt want my level of self-love t o limit how much I can love my
children or my husband. Why? Because loving t hem and accept ing t heir imperfect ions is much
easier t han t urning t hat light of loving-kindness on myself.
If you look at t he definit ion of love and t hink about what it means in t erms of self-love, it s
very specific. Pract icing self-love means learning how t o t rust ourselves, t o t reat ourselves wit h
respect , and t o be kind and affect ionat e t oward ourselves. This is a t all order given how hard
most of us are on ourselves. I know I can t alk t o myself in ways t hat I would never consider
t alking t o anot her person. How many of us are quick t o t hink, God, Im so stupid and Man, Im
such an idiot? Just like calling someone we love st upid or an idiot would be incongruent wit h
pract icing love, t alking like t hat t o ourselves t akes a serious t oll on our self-love.
It s wort h not ing t hat I use t he words innate and primal in t he definit ion of belonging. Im
convinced t hat belonging is in our DNA, most likely connect ed t o our most primit ive survival
inst inct . Given how difficult it is t o cult ivat e self-accept ance in our perfect ionist societ y and
how our need for belonging is hardwired, it s no wonder t hat we spend our lives t rying t o fit in
and gain approval.
It s so much easier t o say, Ill be whoever or what ever you need me t o be, as long as I feel
like Im part of t his. From gangs t o gossiping, well do what it t akes t o fit in if we believe it will
meet our need for belonging. But it doesnt . We can only belong when we offer our most
aut hent ic selves and when were embraced for who we are.
Pract icing Love and Belonging
To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.
BELL HOOKS
1
While I have personally and professionally agonized over t he definit ions of love and belonging, I
have t o admit t hat t hey have fundament ally changed t he way I live and parent . When Im t ired
or st ressed, I can be mean and blamingespecially t oward my husband, St eve. If I t ruly love
St eve (and, oh man, I do), t hen how I behave every day is as import ant , if not more import ant ,
t han saying I love you every day. When we dont pract ice love wit h t he people we claim t o
love, it t akes a lot out of us. Incongruent living is exhaust ing.
It s also pushed me t o t hink about t he import ant differences bet ween professing love and
practicing love. During a recent radio int erview about t he rash of celebrit y infidelit ies, t he host
asked me, Can you love someone and cheat on t hem or t reat t hem poorly?
I t hought about it for a long t ime, t hen gave t he best answer I could based on my work: I
dont know if you can love someone and bet ray t hem or be cruel t o t hem, but I do know t hat
when you bet ray someone or behave in an unkind way t oward t hem, you are not pract icing
love. And, for me, I dont just want someone who says t hey love me; I want someone who
pract ices t hat love for me every day.
In addit ion t o helping me underst and what love looks like bet ween people, t hese definit ions
also forced me t o acknowledge t hat cult ivat ing self-love and self-accept ance is not opt ional.
They arent endeavors t hat I can look int o if and when I have some spare t ime. They are
priorit ies.
Can We Love Ot hers More Than We Love Ourselves?
The idea of self-love and self-accept ance was, and st ill is, revolut ionary t hinking for me. So in
early 2009, I asked my blog readers what t hey t hought about t he import ance of self-love and
t he idea t hat we cant love ot hers more t han we love ourselves. Well, t here was quit e t he
emot ional debat e in t he comment s sect ion.
Several folks passionat ely disagreed wit h t he not ion of self-love being a requirement for
loving ot hers. Ot hers argued t hat we can act ually learn how t o love ourselves more by loving
ot hers. Some folks just left comment s like, Thanks for ruining my dayI dont want t o t hink
about t his.
There were t wo comment s t hat addressed t he complexit y of t hese ideas in very
st raight forward t erms. Id like t o share t hese wit h you: Just in Valent in, a ment al healt h
professional, writ er, and phot ographer, wrot e:
Through my c hi l dren I have l earned t o real l y l ove unc ondi t i onal l y, t o be c ompassi onat e at t i mes when I am f eel i ng horri bl e, and t o be so muc h more gi vi ng. When I
l ook at my one daught er who l ooks so muc h l i ke me, I c an see mysel f as a l i t t l e gi rl . Thi s remi nds me t o be ki nder t o t he l i t t l e gi rl t hat l i ves i nsi de me and t o l ove and
ac c ept her as my own. I t i s t he l ove f or my gi rl s t hat makes me want t o be a bet t er person and t o work on l ovi ng and ac c ept i ng mysel f . However, wi t h t hat bei ng sai d, i t
i s st i l l so muc h easi er t o l ove my daught ers.
Perhaps t hi nki ng about i t t hi s way makes more sense: Many of my pat i ent s are mot hers who st ruggl e wi t h drug addi c t i on. They l ove t hei r c hi l dren more t han
t hemsel ves. They dest roy t hei r l i ves, hat e t hemsel ves, and of t en damage t hei r bodi es beyond repai r. They say t hey hat e t hemsel ves, but t hey l ove t hei r c hi l dren. They
bel i eve t hei r c hi l dren are l ovabl e, but t hey bel i eve t hey are unl ovabl e. On t he surf ac e, one mi ght say, yes, some of t hem l ove t hei r c hi l dren more t han t hemsel ves.
However, does l ovi ng your c hi l dren mean t hat you are not i nt ent i onal l y poi soni ng t hem t he way you poi son yoursel f ? Perhaps our i ssues are l i ke sec ondhand smoke.
At f i rst , i t was t hought t o be not so dangerous and by smoki ng we were only hurting ourselves. Yet [ we have] c ome t o f i nd out , years l at er, sec ondhand smoke c an be very
deadl y.
2
Renae Cobb, a t herapist -in-t raining by day and an undercover writ er and occasional blog
cont ribut or by night , wrot e:
Cert ai nl y, t he peopl e we l ove i nspi re us t o hei ght s of l ove and c ompassi on t hat we mi ght have never ac hi eved ot herwi se, but t o real l y sc al e t hose hei ght s, we of t en have
t o go t o t he dept hs of who we are, l i ght /shadow, good/evi l , l ovi ng/dest ruc t i ve, and f i gure out our own st uf f i n order t o l ove t hem bet t er. So I m not sure i t s an ei t her/or
but a bot h/and. We l ove ot hers f i erc el y, maybe more t han we t hi nk we l ove oursel ves, but t hat f i erc e l ove shoul d dri ve us t o t he dept hs of our sel ves so t hat we c an l earn
t o be c ompassi onat e wi t h oursel ves.
3
I agree wit h Just in and Renae. Loving and accept ing ourselves are t he ult imat e act s of
courage. In a societ y t hat says, Put yourself last , self-love and self-accept ance are almost
revolut ionary.
If we want t o t ake part in t his revolut ion, we have t o underst and t he anat omy of love and
belonging; we need t o underst and when and why we hust le for wort hiness rat her t han claim it ;
and we have t o underst and the things that get in the way. We encount er obst acles on every
journey we make; t he Wholeheart ed journey is no different . In t he next chapt er well explore
what Ive found t o be t he great est barriers t o living and loving wit h our whole heart s.
In 2008, I was invit ed t o give a t alk at a very special event called The UP Experience. I really like
t he couple sponsoring t he event , so wit hout giving it much t hought , I excit edly agreed t o do it .
Well, you know how t hings always sound bet t er when t heyre far away and you dont know
t he det ails? This was one of t hose t hings.
I accept ed t he invit at ion in lat e 2008 and never t hought about it again unt il 2009, when t he
list of speakers was published on The UP Experience Web sit e. Suffice it t o say t hat it was an
overwhelmingly prest igious list of folks. And me. The event was billed as 16 of t he worlds
most excit ing t hought -leaders and speakers. One mind-opening day!
I freaked out . I couldnt imagine sharing t he st age wit h Robert Ballard (t he archaeological
oceanographer who locat ed t he Titanic), Gavin Newsom (t he mayor of San Francisco), Neil
deGrasse Tyson (t he ast rophysicist who host s NOVA and runs t he Hayden Planet arium), and
David Plouffe (t he genius behind Obamas president ial campaign). And t hat s just four out of
t he fift een.
On t op of t rying t o manage feeling like a complet e impost er, I was t errified about t he format .
The event was modeled aft er t he TED t alks (www.t ed.com), and each speaker would have
only t went y minut es t o share t heir most innovat ive ideas wit h what t hey were calling a C-suit e
audiencean audience of most ly CEOs, CFOs, COOs, and CIOs who were paying $1,000 for
t he day-long event .
Seconds aft er I saw t he list of speakers, I called my friend Jen Lemen and read t he list of
names t o her. Aft er t he last name, I t ook a deep breat h and said, Im not so sure about t his.
Even t hough we were on t he phone and she was t housands of miles away, I could see her
shaking her head. Put your measuring st ick away, Bren.
I brist led. What do you mean?
Jen said, I know you. Youre already t hinking about how t o make your t went y-minut e t alk
super researchy and complicat ed.
I st ill didnt get it . Well, yes. Of course Im going t o be researchy. Do you see t his list of
people? Theyre t heyre grown-ups.
Jen chuckled. Do you need an age-check?
Dead silence on my end.
Jen explained, Heres t he t hing. You are a researcher, but your best work isnt from t he
head; it s t alking from t he heart . Youll be fine if you do what you do best t ell st ories. Keep it
real. Keep it honest .
I hung up, rolled my eyes, and t hought : Tell stories. Youve got to be kidding? Maybe I could
do a little puppet show too.
Normally it t akes me a day or t wo t o develop a t alk. I never speak from not es, but I normally
have a visual present at ion and an idea of what I want t o say. Not t his t ime. A puppet show
would have been easier. I was paralyzed for weeks over t his present at ion. Not hing was
working.
One evening, about t wo weeks before t he event , St eve asked, Hows your UP t alk coming
along?
I burst int o t ears. It s not coming along. I dont have shit . I cant do it . Im going t o have t o
fake a car wreck or somet hing.
St eve sat down next t o me and grabbed my hand. What s going on? This isnt like you. Ive
never seen you unravel like t his over a t alk. You do t hese t hings all t he t ime.
I buried my head in my hands and mumbled, Im blocked. I just cant st op t hinking about t his
horrible experience t hat happened several years ago.
St eve sounded surprised. What experience?
I never t old you about it , I explained. He leaned t oward me and wait ed.
Five years ago I bombed a t alk like I had never bombed before or since. It was a t ot al
disast er, and Im so afraid t hat it s going t o happen again.
St eve couldnt believe t hat I had never t old him about my disast rous experience. What in
t he hell happened? Why didnt you t ell me?
I got up from t he t able and said, I dont want t o t alk about it . It will just make it worse.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me back t o t he t able. He looked at me in an Ive-been-
wait ing-my-whole-life-t o-use-your-line-against -you way. Dont we need t o t alk about t he hard
t hings? Doesnt t alking always make it bet t er? I was t oo t ired t o fight , so I t old him t his st ory.
Five years ago, when my first book came out , I was asked t o speak at a womens net working
lunch. I was so excit ed because, like t he UP Experience, I would be speaking t o a group of
normal peoplenot t herapist s or academicsbut normal businesspeople. In fact , t his event
was my first normal audience group.
I arrived early at t he swanky count ry club where t he event was being host ed, and I
int roduced myself t o t he woman in charge. Aft er sizing me up for what felt like an et ernit y, she
greet ed me wit h a st ack of short pronouncement s. Hello. You dont look like a researcher. Im
going t o int roduce you. I need your bio.
It was an upt ight t wist on nice t o meet you t oo, but okay. I handed her my bio and t hat was
t he beginning of t he end.
She read it for t hirt y seconds before she gasped, t urned t o me, and peering over her reading
glasses, snapped, This says t hat youre a shame researcher. Is t hat t rue?
All of a sudden, I was t en years old and in t he principals office. I hung my head and
whispered, Yes, maam. Im a shame researcher.
Wit h her lips pursed, she popped, Do. You. St udy. Anyt hing. Else?
I couldnt t ell her.
Do. You? she demanded.
Yes. I also st udy fear and vulnerabilit y.
She shrapsed, which is like a combo shriek and gasp. I was t old t hat you collect ed research
on how t o be more joyful and how t o have more connect ion and meaning in our lives.
Ah got it. She didnt know anything about me. She must have heard about me from
someone who failed to mention the nature of my work. Now it all made sense.
I t ried t o explain, I dont really st udy how-t o be joyful and have more meaning in our lives. I
know a lot about t hese t opics because I st udy t he t hings t hat get in t he way of joy, meaning,
and connect ion. Wit hout even responding t o me, she walked out of t he room and left me
st anding t here.
Oh, t he irony of a shame researcher st anding in a puddle of Im not good enough.
She came back a few minut es lat er, looked right over t he t op of my head, and said, Heres
how t his is going t o go:
Number 1: Youre not goi ng t o t al k about t he t hi ngs t hat get i n t he way. Youre goi ng t o t al k about t he how-t o part . That s what peopl e want t o hear. Peopl e want how-t o.
Number 2: Do not ment i on t he word shame. Peopl e wi l l be eat i ng.
Number 3: Peopl e want t o be c omf ort abl e and j oyf ul . That s al l . Keep i t j oyf ul and c omf ort abl e.
I just st ood t here in t ot al shock. Aft er a few quiet seconds, she asked, Okay? and before I
could say anyt hing, she answered for me, Sounds good.
Then, just as she st art ed walking away, she t urned around and said, Light and breezy.
People like light and breezy. And, just in case I wasnt clear, she spread her fingers far apart
and made huge sweeping gest ures wit h her hands t o illust rat e light and breezy (pict ure
Margaret That cher imit at ing Bob Fosse).
For fort y minut es I st ood in front of t his group, t ot ally paralyzed and repeat ing different
versions of, Joy is good. Happy is so, so good. We should all be joyful. And have meaning.
Because t heyre just so darn good.
The women in t he audience just smiled, nodded, and at e t heir chicken. It was a t rain wreck.
By t he t ime I ended t he st ory, St eves face was all scrunched up and he was shaking his
head. Hes not a big fan of public speaking, so I t hink he was st aving off his own anxiet y as he
list ened t o my disast er st ory.
But , st rangely enough, t elling t he st ory made me less anxious. In fact , t he second t hat I
finished t elling St eve t he st ory, I felt different . I finally got it . My workmet he decade Ive
spent doing researchit s all about t he t hings t hat get in t he way. Im not about t he how-
t o because in t en years, Ive never seen any evidence of how-t o working wit hout t alking
about t he t hings t hat get in t he way.
In a very powerful way, owning t his st ory allowed me t o claim who I am as a researcher and
t o est ablish my voice. I looked at St eve and smiled. I dont do how-t o.
For t he first t ime in five years, I realized t hat t he count ry club woman wasnt out t o get me
and sabot age my t alk. If t hat were t he case, her ridiculous paramet ers wouldnt have been so
devast at ing t o me. Her list was sympt omat ic of our cult ural fears. We dont want t o be
uncomfort able. We want a quick and dirt y how-t o list for happiness.
I dont fit t hat bill. Never have. Dont get me wrong, Id love t o skip over t he hard st uff, but it
just doesnt work. We dont change, we dont grow, and we dont move forward wit hout t he
work. If we really want t o live a joyful, connect ed, and meaningful life, we must t alk about t hings
t hat get in t he way.
Unt il I owned and spoke t his st ory, I let my lack of quick t ips and five simple st eps get in
t he way of my professional wort hiness. Now t hat Ive claimed t hat st ory, I see t hat my
underst anding of t he darkness gives my search for t he light cont ext and meaning.
Im happy t o report t hat The UP Experience went really well. I act ually t old t his Light and
Breezy st ory as my t alk. It was a risk, but I figured t hat even C-suit es st ruggle wit h wort hiness.
A couple of weeks aft er t he event , I got a call from t he organizer. She said, Congrat ulat ions!
The evaluat ions are in and your t alk finished in t he t op t wo of t he day, and given what you
st udy, you were t he dark horse going in.
Heres t he bot t om line:
If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the wayespecially shame, fear, and
vulnerability.
In Jungian circles, shame is oft en referred t o as t he swampland of t he soul. Im not
suggest ing t hat we wade out int o t he swamp and set up camp. Ive done t hat and I can t ell
you t hat t he swampland of t he soul is an import ant place t o visit , but you would not want t o
live t here.
What Im proposing is t hat we learn how t o wade t hrough it . We need t o see t hat st anding
on t he shore and cat ast rophisizing about what could happen if we t alked honest ly about our
fears is act ually more painful t han grabbing t he hand of a t rust ed companion and crossing t he
swamp. And, most import ant , we need t o learn why const ant ly t rying t o maint ain our foot ing on
t he shift ing shore as we gaze across t o t he ot her side of t he swampwhere our wort hiness
wait s for usis much harder work t han t rudging across.
How-t o is a seduct ive short cut , and I underst and t hat . Why cross t he swamp if you can
just bypass it ?
But heres t he dilemma: Why is how-t o so alluring when, t rut hfully, we already know how
t o yet were st ill st anding in t he same place longing for more joy, connect ion, and meaning?
Most everyone reading t his book knows how t o eat healt hy. I can t ell you t he Weight
Wat cher point s for every food in t he grocery st ore. I can recit e t he Sout h Beach Phase I
grocery shopping list and t he glycemic index like t heyre t he Pledge of Allegiance. We know
how t o eat healt hy.
We also know how t o make good choices wit h our money. We know how t o t ake care of our
emot ional needs. We know all of t his, yet
We are the most obese, medicated, addicted, and in-debt Americans EVER.
Why? We have more access t o informat ion, more books, and more good sciencewhy are
we st ruggling like never before?
Because we dont t alk about t he t hings t hat get in t he way of doing what we know is best
for us, our children, our families, our organizat ions, and our communit ies.
I can know everyt hing t here is t o know about eat ing healt hy, but if it s one of t hose days
when Ellen is st ruggling wit h a school project and Charlies home sick from school and Im t rying
t o make a writ ing deadline and Homeland Securit y increased t he t hreat level and our grass is
dying and my jeans dont fit and t he economy is t anking and t he Int ernet is down and were out
of poop bags for t he dogforget it ! All I want t o do is snuff out t he sizzling anxiet y wit h a
pumpkin muffin, a bag of chips, and chocolat e.
We dont t alk about what keeps us eat ing unt il were sick, busy beyond human scale,
desperat e t o numb and t ake t he edge off, and full of so much anxiet y and self-doubt t hat we
cant act on what we know is best for us. We dont t alk about t he hust le for wort hiness t hat s
become such a part of our lives t hat we dont even realize t hat were dancing.
When Im having one of t hose days t hat I just described, some of t he anxiet y is just a part of
living, but t here are days when most of my anxiet y grows out of t he expect at ions I put on
myself. I want Ellens project t o be amazing. I want t o t ake care of Charlie wit hout worrying
about my own deadlines. I want t o show t he world how great I am at balancing my family and
career. I want our yard t o look beaut iful. I want people t o see us picking up our dogs poop in
biodegradable bags and t hink, My God! They are such outstanding citizens. There are days
when I can fight t he urge t o be everyt hing t o everyone, and t here are days when it get s t he
best of me.
As we discussed in t he last chapt er, when we st ruggle t o believe in our wort hiness, we
hust le for it . The hust le for wort hiness has it s own soundt rack and for t hose of you who are my
age and older, it s not t he funky Do t he Hust le from t he 70s. It s t he cacophony of shame
t apes and gremlinst hose messages t hat fuel never good enough.
What will people t hink?
You cant really love yourself yet . Youre not ________________ enough. (pret t y,
skinny, successful, rich, t alent ed, happy, smart , feminine, masculine, product ive, nice,
st rong, t ough, caring,
popular, creat ive, well-liked, admired, cont ribut ing)
No one can find out about _____________.
Im going t o pret end t hat everyt hing is okay.
I can change t o fit in if I have t o!
Who do you t hink you are t o put your t hought s/art /ideas/ beliefs/writ ing out in t he
world?
Taking care of t hem is more import ant t han t aking care of me.
Shame is t hat warm feeling t hat washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never
good enough. If we want t o develop shame resiliencet he abilit y t o recognize shame and
move t hrough it while maint aining our wort hiness and aut hent icit yt hen we have t o t alk
about why shame happens.
Honest conversat ions about shame can change t he way we live, love, parent , work, and build
relat ionships. I have more t han one t housand let t ers and e-mails from readers of I Thought It
Was Just Me, my book on shame resilience, t hat all say t he same t hing: I cant believe how
much t alking about shame changed my life! (And I promise, even if youre eat ing while youre
t alking about shame, youll be okay.)
Shame Resilience 101
Here are t he first t hree t hings t hat you need t o know about shame:
1. We all have it . Shame is universal and one of t he most primit ive human emot ions t hat we
experience. The only people who dont experience shame lack t he capacit y for empat hy
and human connect ion.
2. Were all afraid t o t alk about shame.
3. The less we t alk about shame, t he more cont rol it has over our lives.
Shame is basically t he fear of being unlovableit s t he t ot al opposit e of owning our st ory
and feeling wort hy. In fact , t he definit ion of shame t hat I developed from my research is:
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
1
Shame keeps wort hiness away by convincing us t hat owning our st ories will lead t o people
t hinking less of us. Shame is all about fear. Were afraid t hat people wont like us if t hey know
t he t rut h about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much were st ruggling,
or, believe it or not , how wonderful we are when soaring (somet imes it s just as hard t o own our
st rengt hs as our st ruggles).
People oft en want t o believe t hat shame is reserved for t he folks who have survived t errible
t raumas, but t his is not t rue. Shame is somet hing we all experience. And while it feels as if
shame hides in our darkest corners, it act ually t ends t o lurk in all of t he familiar places, including
appearance and body image, family, parent ing, money and work, healt h, addict ion, sex, aging,
and religion. To feel shame is t o be human.
The st ories of our st ruggles are difficult for everyone t o own, and if weve worked hard t o
make sure everyt hing looks just right on t he out side, t he st akes are high when it comes t o
t rut h-t elling. This is why shame loves perfect ionist sit s so easy t o keep us quiet .
In addit ion t o t he fear of disappoint ing people or pushing t hem away wit h our st ories, were
also afraid t hat if we t ell our st ories, t he weight of a single experience will collapse upon us.
There is a real fear t hat we can be buried or defined by an experience t hat , in realit y, is only a
sliver of who we are.
I t ell a lot of t hese st ories in my book I Thought It Was Just Me, but t he one t hat comes t o
mind now is about a woman who worked up t he courage t o t ell her neighbor t hat she was a
recovering alcoholic, only t o have her neighbor say, Im not sure Im comfort able wit h my kids
playing at your house anymore. This brave woman t old me t hat she pushed t hrough her fear
and said, But t heyve played here for t wo years, and Ive been sober for t went y years. Im not
any different t han I was t en minut es ago. Why are you?
If shame is t he universal fear of being unwort hy of love and belonging, and if all people have
an irreducible and innat e need t o experience love and belonging, it s easy t o see why shame is
oft en referred t o as t he mast er emot ion. We dont have t o experience shame t o be paralyzed
by it t he fear of being perceived as unwort hy is enough t o force us t o silence our st ories.
And if we all have shame, t he good news is t hat were all capable of developing shame
resilience. Shame resilience is t he abilit y t o recognize shame, t o move t hrough it const ruct ively
while maint aining wort hiness and aut hent icit y, and t o ult imat ely develop more courage,
compassion, and connect ion as a result of our experience. The first t hing we need t o
underst and about shame resilience is t hat t he less we t alk about shame, t he more we have it .
Shame needs t hree t hings t o grow out of cont rol in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment .
When somet hing shaming happens and we keep it locked up, it fest ers and grows. It consumes
us. We need t o share our experience. Shame happens bet ween people, and it heals bet ween
people. If we can find someone who has earned t he right t o hear our st ory, we need t o t ell it .
Shame loses power when it is spoken. In t his way, we need t o cult ivat e our st ory t o let go of
shame, and we need t o develop shame resilience in order t o cult ivat e our st ory.
Aft er a decade of research, I found t hat men and women wit h high levels of shame resilience
share t hese four element s:
1. They underst and shame and recognize what messages and expect at ions t rigger shame
for t hem.
2. They pract ice crit ical awareness by realit y-checking t he messages and expect at ions
t hat t ell us t hat being imperfect means being inadequat e.
3. They reach out and share t heir st ories wit h people t hey t rust .
4. They speak shamet hey use t he word shame, t hey t alk about how t heyre feeling, and
t hey ask for what t hey need.
When I t hink about t he men and women in my st udy who spoke about t he t ransformat ive
power of st oryt he folks who own and share t heir st oriesI realize t hat t hey are also people
who pract ice shame resilience.
Because so much of wort hiness and shame resilience is about owning our st ories, I want t o
share one of my own shame-resilience st ories wit h you. But before I do t hat , I want t o address
t wo commonly asked quest ions about shame. I t hink it will help you wrap your head and heart
around t his t ough t opic.
What s t he difference bet ween shame and guilt ? The majorit y of shame researchers
and clinicians agree t hat t he difference bet ween shame and guilt is best underst ood as t he
differences bet ween I am bad and I did somet hing bad.
Guilt = I did something bad.
Shame = I am bad.
Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors. We feel guilt y when we hold up
somet hing weve done or failed t o do against t he kind of person we want t o be. It s an
uncomfort able feeling, but one t hat s helpful. When we apologize for somet hing weve done,
make amends t o ot hers, or change a behavior t hat we dont feel good about , guilt is most
oft en t he mot ivat or. Guilt is just as powerful as shame, but it s effect is oft en posit ive while
shame oft en is dest ruct ive. When we see people apologize, make amends, or replace negat ive
behaviors wit h more posit ive ones, guilt is oft en t he mot ivat or, not shame. In fact , in my
research, I found t hat shame corrodes t he part of us t hat believes we can change and do
bet t er.
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Doesnt shame keep us in line? Along wit h many ot her professionals, Ive come t o t he
conclusion t hat shame is much more likely t o lead t o dest ruct ive and hurt ful behaviors t han it is
t o be t he solut ion. Again, it is human nat ure t o want t o feel wort hy of love and belonging.
When we experience shame, we feel disconnect ed and desperat e for wort hiness. Full of
shame or t he fear of shame, we are more likely t o engage in self-dest ruct ive behaviors and t o
at t ack or shame ot hers. In fact , shame is relat ed t o violence, aggression, depression, addict ion,
eat ing disorders, and bullying.
Children who use more shame self-t alk (I am bad) versus guilt self-t alk (I did something bad)
st ruggle might ily wit h issues of self-wort h and self-loat hing. Using shame t o parent t eaches
children t hat t hey are not inherent ly wort hy of love.
Shame Researcher Heal Thyself!
No mat t er how much you know about shame, it can sneak up on you (t rust me, I speak from
experience). You can be in t he middle of a shame experience wit hout even knowing what s
happening and why. The good news is t hat , wit h enough pract ice, shame resilience can also
sneak up on you! The following st ory not only illust rat es t he insidious nat ure of shame, it also
reinforces t he import ance of speaking about shame and t elling our st ory.
For several mont hs in 2009, my blog was feat ured as an example sit e on t he host ing
companys main page. It was really fun because I got lot s of t raffic from people who wouldnt
normally search out a blog on aut hent icit y and courage. One day I got an e-mail from a woman
who liked my layout and design. I felt proud and grat eful unt il I got t o t his part of her e-mail:
I real l y l i ke your bl og. I t s very c reat i ve and easy t o read. The snap of you and your gi rl f ri end i n t he t heat er woul d be t he onl y exc ept i on egads! I woul d never add a
bad phot o t o a bl og, but I am t he phot ographer here.;-)
I couldnt believe it . The phot o she was referring t o was a pict ure t hat I had t aken of my good
friend Laura and me sit t ing in a dark t heat er wait ing for t he Sex and the City movie t o st art . It
was opening day and we were feeling goofy and excit ed, so I pulled out my camera and
snapped a pict ure.
I was so angry, confused, and shocked by t his womans comment about my pict ure, but I
kept reading. She went on t o ask a lot of quest ions about t he blogs design and t hen closed
her e-mail by explaining t hat she works wit h many clueless parent s and t hat she plans t o let
t hem know about my parent ing work. Whatever. I was so pissed off.
I paced back and fort h in t he kit chen, t hen sat down t o pound out an e-mail.
Draf t #1 i nc l uded t hi s l i ne: Egads! I would never put down someones photography, but Im the shame researcher here.
Draf t #2 i nc l uded t hi s l i ne: I checked out your photography online. If youre concerned about posting bad photos, Id rethink posting your photos.
Draf t #3 i nc l uded t hi s l i ne: If youre going to send a shitty e-mail, the least you can do is spell-check it. Their does not mean they are.
Mean. Nast y. I didnt care. But I also didnt send it . Somet hing in my body st opped me. I read
over my at t ack e-mails, t ook a deep breat h, and t hen raced int o t he bedroom. I t hrew on my
running shoes and a baseball cap and hit t he pavement . I needed t o get out of t he house and
discharge t he weird energy coursing t hrough my veins.
About one mile int o my walk, I called my good friend Laura, t he friend who happens t o appear
wit h me in said t heat er pict ure. I t old her about t he womans e-mail and she gasped, Are you
kidding me?
Nope. Im not kidding. Wanna hear my t hree responses? Im st ill t rying t o decide which one
t o use. I recit ed my kill and dest roy responses, and she gasped again.
Bren, t hose are really ballsy. I couldnt do it . Id just be really hurt and probably cry. Laura
and I t alk about heavy st uff all of t he t ime. We have a very comfort able rhyt hm. We can ping
words all over t he place or bot h get really quiet . Were always analyzing and saying t hings like,
Okay, st ay wit h me Im t hinking and Does t his make sense? or No. No. Wait . It s
coming t o me.
At t his point in our conversat ion, I said, Laura, dont say anyt hing. I need t o t hink about what
you just said. For t wo or t hree minut es t he only sound was my sweat y pant ing.
Finally, I said, You would get your feelings hurt and cry?
Laura reluct ant ly responded, Yes. Why?
Well , I hesit at ed, Im t hinking t hat crying and get t ing my feelings hurt would be t he
brave opt ion for me.
Laura sounded surprised. What do you mean?
I explained t he best I could. Mean and nast y is my default set t ing. It doesnt t ake courage
for me t o be shaming back. I can use my shame superpowers for evil in a split second. Let t ing
myself feel hurt t hat s a t ot ally different st ory. I t hink your default is my courage.
We t alked about it for a while and decided t hat Lauras courage is acknowledging hurt
wit hout running from it , and my courage is acknowledging hurt and not hurt ing back. We also
agreed t hat cruelt y is never braveit s most ly cheap and easy, especially in t odays cult ure.
Aft er t alking for anot her mile or so, Laura asked, Okay, now t hat weve got t he
acknowledging-hurt t hing down, what would be t he courageous t hing for you t o do wit h t his e-
mail?
I fought back t ears. Be hurt . Cry. Tell you about it . Let it go. Delet e t he e-mail. Dont even
respond.
Laura was quiet for a minut e; t hen she blurt ed out , Oh my God! That s shame resilience,
right ? Youre pract icing courage.
I was confused, like I had never heard t he t erm before. Huh? What do you mean?
Laura pat ient ly said, Shame resilienceyou knowyour book? The blue one. The four
element s of shame resilience: Name it . Talk about it . Own your st ory. Tell t he st ory. Your book.
We bot h st art ed laughing. I t hought t o myself, Holy crap. It works.
A week lat er I was st anding in front of a group of sevent y graduat e st udent s who were
t aking my course on shame and empat hy. I was t alking about t he four element s of shame
resilience when one of t he st udent s raised her hand and asked for an example. I decided t o t ell
t he egads st ory. It s such a great example of how shame can happen at a t ot ally
unconscious level and how import ant it is t o name it and t alk about it .
I set up t he st ory by describing my blog and my new commit ment t o learn phot ography. I t old
t hem t hat I felt vulnerable about sharing my pict ures, and I felt ashamed and belit t led when I
received t his crit ical e-mail.
When I t old t hem about my deep desire t o respond wit h cruelt y, several of t he st udent s
buried t heir heads in t heir hands and ot hers just looked away. Im sure some were disappoint ed
by my lack of enlight enment . Ot hers looked plain scared.
One st udent raised his hand and said, Can I ask a personal quest ion? Given t hat I was in
t he middle of sharing a vulnerable shame st ory, I figured t hat it couldnt hurt . I was wrong.
He bravely said, I hear you saying t hat it was about feeling crit icized about your
phot ography, but was t hat really t he vulnerabilit y? Did t he shame come from feeling like you
were being crit icized for a bad pict ure, or were you ashamed because youre allowing yourself
t o be vulnerable and open rat her t han closed and prot ect ed, and someone hurt you? Was it
really about let t ing yourself be open t o connect ion and get t ing hurt ?
My mout h got dry. I st art ed sweat ing. I rubbed my forehead and t hen looked st raight at t he
red-faced st udent s.
I cant believe it ! That s exact ly what happened. I didnt know it unt il t his minut e, but t hat s
what happened. That s exact ly what happened. I t ook a goofy pict ure in t he t heat er
somet hing I dont normally do, but I was wit h a close friend and we were feeling giddy and girly. I
post ed it online because I was excit ed and t hought it was fun. Then someone crit icized me.
A couple of t he st udent s glared at t heir brave colleague like, Way to go. You traumatized her.
But I didnt feel t raumat ized. Or found out . Or exposed. I felt liberat ed. The st ory I needed t o
own in order t o access my wort hiness was not a st ory of a rookie phot ographer st ruggling wit h
crit icism over a phot ograph. It was t he st ory of a pret t y serious person being fun and
spont aneous and goofy and imperfect and having someone poke at t hat vulnerabilit y.
Resilience is oft en a slow unfolding of underst anding. What did t hat experience mean t o
me? What were t he gremlins mumbling? Not only do we need t o own our st ory and love
ourselves in t he process, we have t o figure out t he real st ory! We also have t o learn how we
prot ect ourselves from shame if we want t o develop wort hiness.
What Does Shame Look Like?
When it comes t o underst anding how we defend ourselves against shame, I have t he ut most
respect for t he work from t he St one Cent er at Wellesley. Dr. Linda Hart ling, a former relat ional-
cult ural t heorist at t he St one Cent er and now t he direct or of Human Dignit y and Humiliat ion
St udies, uses t he lat e Karen Horneys work on moving t oward, moving against , and moving
away t o out line t he st rat egies of disconnect ion we use t o deal wit h shame.
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According t o Dr. Hart ling, in order t o deal wit h shame, some of us move away by wit hdrawing,
hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secret s. Some of us move toward by seeking t o
appease and please. And, some of us move against by t rying t o gain power over ot hers, by
being aggressive, and by using shame t o fight shame (like sending really mean e-mails).
Most of us use all of t heseat different t imes wit h different folks for different reasons. Yet
all of t hese st rat egies move us away from our st ory. Shame is about fear, blame, and
disconnect ion. St ory is about wort hiness and embracing t he imperfect ions t hat bring us
courage, compassion, and connect ion. If we want t o live fully, wit hout t he const ant fear of not
being enough, we have t o own our st ory. We also have t o respond t o shame in a way t hat
doesnt exacerbat e our shame. One way t o do t hat is t o recognize when were in shame so we
can react wit h int ent ion.
Shame is a full-cont act emot ion. Men and women wit h high levels of shame resilience know
when shame is happening. The easiest way t o know shame is t o cult ivat e an awareness of our
physical shame sympt oms. As I ment ioned in t he chapt er on courage, compassion, and
connect ion, I know t hat Im st ruggling wit h shame when t hat warm wash of inadequacy comes
over me, my heart races, my face feels hot , my mout h get s dry, my armpit s t ingle, and t ime
slows down. It s import ant t o know our personal sympt oms so we can get deliberate in our
response t o shame.
When were in shame, were not fit for human consumpt ion. We need t o get back on our
emot ional feet before we do, say, e-mail, or t ext somet hing t hat well regret . I know t hat it will
t ake me t en t o fift een minut es t o pull myself t oget her and t hat I will definit ely cry before Im
ready. Ill also need t o pray. Knowing t his is such a gift .
If you want t o kick-st art your shame resilience and st ory-claiming, st art wit h t hese quest ions.
Figuring out t he answers can change your life:
1. Who do you become when youre backed int o t hat shame corner?
2. How do you prot ect yourself?
3. Who do you call t o work t hrough t he mean-nast ies or t he cry-n-hides or t he people-
pleasing?
4. What s t he most courageous t hing you could do for yourself when you feel small and
hurt ?
Our st ories are not meant for everyone. Hearing t hem is a privilege, and we should always
ask ourselves t his before we share: Who has earned t he right t o hear my st ory? If we have
one or t wo people in our lives who can sit wit h us and hold space for our shame st ories, and
love us for our st rengt hs and st ruggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or a small
group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfect ions, vulnerabilit ies, and power, and fills
us wit h a sense of belonging, we are incredible lucky.
We dont need love and belonging and st ory-cat ching from everyone in our lives, but we
need it from at least one person. If we have t hat one person or t hat small group of confidant s,
t he best way t o acknowledge t hese connect ions is t o acknowledge our wort hiness. If were
working t oward relat ionships based in love, belonging, and st ory, we have t o st art in t he same
place: I am wort hy.
Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the
reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want.
Margaret Young
Before I st art ed doing my research, I always t hought of people as being eit her aut hent ic or
inaut hent ic. Aut hent icit y was simply a qualit y t hat you had or t hat you were lacking. I t hink
t hat s t he way most of us use t he t erm: Shes a very aut hent ic person. But as I st art ed
immersing myself in t he research and doing my own personal work, I realized t hat , like many
desirable ways of being, aut hent icit y is not somet hing we have or dont have. It s a pract icea
conscious choice of how we want t o live.
Aut hent icit y is a collect ion of choices t hat we have t o make every day. It s about t he choice
t o show up and be real. The choice t o be honest . The choice t o let our t rue selves be seen.
There are people who consciously pract ice being aut hent ic, t here are people who dont , and
t here are t he rest of us who are aut hent ic on some days and not so aut hent ic on ot her days.
Trust me, even t hough I know plent y about aut hent icit y and it s somet hing I work t oward, if I
am full of self-doubt or shame, I can sell myself out and be anybody you need me t o be.
The idea t hat we can choose aut hent icit y makes most of us feel bot h hopeful and
exhaust ed. We feel hopeful because being real is somet hing we value. Most of us are drawn t o
warm, down-t o-eart h, honest people, and we aspire t o be like t hat in our own lives. We feel
exhaust ed because wit hout even giving it t oo much t hought , most of us know t hat choosing
aut hent icit y in a cult ure t hat dict at es everyt hing from how much were supposed t o weigh t o
what our houses are supposed t o look like is a huge undert aking.
Given t he magnit ude of t he t ask at handbe aut hent ic in a cult ure t hat want s you t o fit in
and people-pleaseI decided t o use my research t o develop a definit ion of aut hent icit y t hat I
could use as a t ouchst one. What is t he anat omy of aut hent icit y? What are t he part s t hat
come t oget her t o creat e an aut hent ic self? Heres what I developed:
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think were supposed to be and embracing who we are.
Choosing authenticity means
cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and
nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.
Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and lovingeven when its hard, even when were wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense
that were afraid to let ourselves feel it.
Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.
Youll not ice t hat many of t he t opics from t he t en guidepost s are woven t hroughout t he
definit ion. That t heme will repeat it self t hroughout t his book. All of t he guidepost s are
int erconnect ed and relat ed t o each ot her. My goal is t o t alk about t hem individually and
collect ively. I want us t o explore how each of t hem works on it s own and how t hey fit t oget her.
Well spend t he rest of t he book unpacking t erms like perfection so t hat we can underst and
why t heyre so import ant and what oft en get s in our way of living a Wholeheart ed life.
Choosing aut hent icit y is not an easy choice. E. E. Cummings wrot e, To be nobody-but -
yourself in a world which is doing it s best , night and day, t o make you everybody but yourself
means t o fight t he hardest bat t le which any human being can fight and never st op fight ing.
St aying real is one of t he most courageous bat t les t hat well ever fight .
When we choose t o be t rue t o ourselves, t he people around us will st ruggle t o make sense
of how and why we are changing. Part ners and children might feel fearful and unsure about t he
changes t heyre seeing. Friends and family may worry about how our aut hent icit y pract ice will
affect t hem and our relat ionships wit h t hem. Some will find inspirat ion in our new commit ment ;
ot hers may perceive t hat were changing t oo muchmaybe even abandoning t hem or holding
up an uncomfort able mirror.
It s not so much t he act of authenticity t hat challenges t he st at us quoI t hink of it as t he
audacity of authenticity. Most of us have shame t riggers around being perceived as self-
indulgent or self-focused. We dont want our aut hent icit y t o be perceived as selfish or
narcissist ic. When I first st art ed mindfully pract icing aut hent icit y and wort hiness, I felt like every
day was a walk t hrough a gaunt let of gremlins. Their voices can be loud and unrelent ing:
What if I t hink Im enough, but ot hers dont ?
What if I let my imperfect self be seen and known, and nobody likes what t hey see?
What if my friends/family/co-workers like t he perfect me bet t er you know, t he one
who t akes care of everyt hing and everyone?
Somet imes, when we push t he syst em, it pushes back. The pushback can be everyt hing
from eye rolls and whispers t o relat ionship st ruggles and feelings of isolat ion. There can also
be cruel and shaming responses t o our aut hent ic voices. In my research on aut hent icit y and
shame, I found t hat speaking out is a major shame t rigger for women. Heres how t he research
part icipant s described t he st ruggle t o be aut hent ic:
Dont make people feel uncomfort able but be honest .
Dont upset anyone or hurt anyones feelings but say what s on your mind.
Sound informed and educat ed but not like a know-it -all.
Dont say anyt hing unpopular or cont roversial but have t he courage t o disagree wit h t he
crowd.
I also found t hat men and women st ruggle when t heir opinions, feelings, and beliefs conflict
wit h our cult ures gender expect at ions. For example, research on t he at t ribut es t hat we
associat e wit h being feminine t ells us t hat some of t he most import ant qualit ies for women
are t hin, nice, and modest .
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That means if women want t o play it t ot ally safe, we have t o be
willing t o st ay as small, quiet , and at t ract ive as possible.
When looking at t he at t ribut es associat ed wit h masculinit y, t he researchers ident ified t hese
as import ant at t ribut es for men: emot ional cont rol, primacy of work, cont rol over women, and
pursuit of st at us.
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That means if men want t o play it safe, t hey need t o st op feeling, st art
earning, and give up on meaningful connect ion.
The t hing is aut hent icit y isnt always t he safe opt ion. Somet imes choosing being real over
being liked is all about playing it unsafe. It means st epping out of our comfort zone. And t rust
me, as someone who has st epped out on many occasions, it s easy t o get knocked around
when youre wandering t hrough new t errit ory.
It s easy t o at t ack and crit icize someone while he or she is risk- t akingvoicing an unpopular
opinion or sharing a new creat ion wit h t he world or t rying somet hing new t hat he or she hasnt
quit e mast ered. Cruelt y is cheap, easy, and rampant . It s also chicken-shit . Especially when you
at t ack and crit icize anonymouslylike t echnology allows so many people t o do t hese days.
As we st ruggle t o be aut hent ic and brave, it s import ant t o remember t hat cruelt y always
hurt s, even if t he crit icisms are unt rue. When we go against t he grain and put ourselves and
our work out in t he world, some people will feel t hreat ened and t hey will go aft er what hurt s
t he most our appearance, our lovabilit y, and even our parent ing.
The problem is t hat when we dont care at all what people t hink and were immune t o hurt ,
were also ineffect ive at connect ing. Courage is t elling our st ory, not being immune t o crit icism.
St aying vulnerable is a risk we have t o t ake if we want t o experience connect ion.
If youre like me, pract icing aut hent icit y can feel like a daunt ing choicet heres risk involved
in put t ing your t rue self out in t he world. But I believe t heres even more risk in hiding yourself
and your gift s from t he world. Our unexpressed ideas, opinions, and cont ribut ions dont just go
away. They are likely t o fest er and eat away at our wort hiness. I t hink we should be born wit h a
warning label similar t o t he ones t hat come on cigaret t e packages: Caution: If you trade in your
authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders,
addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.
Sacrificing who we are for t he sake of what ot her people t hink just isnt wort h it . Yes, t here
can be aut hent icit y growing pains for t he people around us, but in t he end, being t rue t o
ourselves is t he best gift we can give t he people we love. When I let go of t rying t o be
everyt hing t o everyone, I had much more t ime, at t ent ion, love, and connect ion for t he
import ant people in my life. My aut hent icit y pract ice can be hard on St eve and t he kids
most ly because it requires t ime, energy, and at t ent ion. But t he t rut h is t hat St eve, Ellen, and
Charlie are engaged in t he same st ruggle. We all are.
DIG Deep
Get Deliberat e: Whenever Im faced wit h a vulnerable sit uat ion, I get deliberat e wit h my
int ent ions by repeat ing t his t o myself: Dont shrink. Dont puff up. St and on your sacred
ground. I t hink t heres somet hing deeply spirit ual about st anding your ground. Saying t his lit t le
mant ra helps me remember not t o get small so ot her people are comfort able and not t o t hrow
up my armor as a way t o prot ect myself.
Get Inspired: Im inspired by everyone who shares t heir work and opinions wit h t he world.
Courage is cont agious. My friend Kat herine Cent er says, You have t o be brave wit h your life
so t hat ot hers can be brave wit h t heirs.
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Get Going: I t ry t o make aut hent icit y my number one goal when I go int o a sit uat ion where Im
feeling vulnerable. If aut hent icit y is my goal and I keep it real, I never regret it . I might get my
feelings hurt , but I rarely feel shame. When accept ance or approval becomes my goal, and it
doesnt work out , t hat can t rigger shame for me: Im not good enough. If t he goal is
aut hent icit y and t hey dont like me, Im okay. If t he goal is being liked and t hey dont like me, Im
in t rouble. I get going by making aut hent icit y t he priorit y.
How do you DIG Deep?
The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.
ANNA QUI NDLEN
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One of t he best part s of my work is receiving let t ers and e-mails from readers. In early 2009, I
received my one t housandt h e-mail from a reader of I Thought It Was Just Me. To celebrat e, I
decided t o facilit at e an eight -week read-along of t he book on my blog. I called it t he
Shame.Less Joy.Full read-along.
Basically, t he read-along was a Web-based book club. We covered one chapt er per week,
and I offered post s, podcast s, discussions, and creat ive art s exercises along t he way. The
read-along is now on my blog, and people st ill use it reading t hrough t he book wit h a group or
friend is so much more powerful.
Just before t he read-along st art ed, I received an e-mail t hat said, I love t he idea of a read-
along. I dont t hink I have shame issues, but if you ever do somet hing on perfect ionism, Ill be
t he first in line. Her sign-off was followed by a short lit t le sent ence t hat read: PSshame and
perfect ionism arent relat ed, are t hey?
I e-mailed her back and explained t he relat ionship bet ween shame and perfect ionism: Where
perfect ionism exist s, shame is always lurking. In fact , shame is t he birt hplace of perfect ionism.
I loved her response: You might want t o t alk about t hat before WE st art t he read-along. My
friends and I know t hat we st ruggle wit h perfect ionism, but we dont claim shame.
We dont claim shame. You cant believe how many t imes Ive heard t hat ! I know shame is a
daunt ing word. The problem is t hat when we dont claim shame, it claims us. And one of t he
ways it sneaks int o our lives is t hrough perfect ionism.
As a recovering perfect ionist and an aspiring good-enoughist , Ive found it ext remely helpful
t o bust some of t he myt hs about perfect ionism so t hat we can develop a definit ion t hat
accurat ely capt ures what it is and what it does t o our lives.
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfect ionism is not about
healt hy achievement and growt h. Perfect ionism is t he belief t hat if we live perfect , look
perfect , and act perfect , we can minimize or avoid t he pain of blame, judgment , and
shame. It s a shield. Perfect ionism is a t went y-t on shield t hat we lug around t hinking it will
prot ect us when, in fact , it s t he t hing t hat s really prevent ing us from t aking flight .
Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfect ionism is, at it s core, about t rying t o earn
approval and accept ance. Most perfect ionist s were raised being praised for achievement
and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sport s).
Somewhere along t he way, we adopt t his dangerous and debilit at ing belief syst em: I am
what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it . Please. Perform. Perfect. Healt hy st riving
is self-focusedHow can I improve? Perfect ionism is ot her-focusedWhat will they
think?
Underst anding t he difference bet ween healt hy st riving and perfect ionism is crit ical t o laying
down t he shield and picking up your life. Research shows t hat perfect ionism hampers success.
In fact , it s oft en t he pat h t o depression, anxiet y, addict ion, and life-paralysis.
2
Life-paralysis
refers t o all of t he opport unit ies we miss because were t oo afraid t o put anyt hing out in t he
world t hat could be imperfect . It s also all of t he dreams t hat we dont follow because of our
deep fear of failing, making mist akes, and disappoint ing ot hers. It s t errifying t o risk when youre
a perfect ionist ; your self-wort h is on t he line.
I put t hese t hree insight s t oget her t o craft a definit ion of perfect ionism (because you know
how much I love t o get words wrapped around my st ruggles!). It s long, but man has it helped
me! It s also t he most request ed definit ion on my blog.
Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary
thought: If I look perfect , live perfect ly, and do everyt hing perfect ly, I can avoid or minimize
t he painful feelings of shame, judgment , and blame.
Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is no such thing as perfect.
Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally, perfectionism is more about perception
we want to be perceived as
perfect. Again, this is unattainablethere is no way to control perception, regardless of
how much time and energy we spend trying.
Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment,
and blame, we often believe its because we werent perfect enough. So rather than
questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our
quest to live, look, and do everything just right.
Feeling shamed, judged, and blamed (and the fear of these feelings) are realities of the
human experience. Perfectionism actually increases the odds that well experience these
painful emotions and often leads to self-blame: It s my fault . Im feeling t his way because
Im not good enough.
To overcome perfect ionism, we need t o be able t o acknowledge our vulnerabilit ies t o t he
universal experiences of shame, judgment , and blame; develop shame resilience; and pract ice
self-compassion. When we become more loving and compassionat e wit h ourselves and we
begin t o pract ice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfect ions. It is in t he process of
embracing our imperfect ions t hat we find our t ruest gift s: courage, compassion, and
connect ion.
Based on my dat a, I dont t hink t hat some people are perfect ionist s and ot hers are not . I
t hink perfect ionism exist s along a cont inuum. We all have some perfect ionist ic t endencies. For
some, perfect ionism may only emerge when t heyre feeling part icularly vulnerable. For ot hers,
perfect ionism can be compulsive, chronic, and debilit at ing, similar t o addict ion.
Ive st art ed t o work on my perfect ionism, one messy piece at a t ime. In doing so, I finally
underst and (in my bones) t he difference bet ween perfect ionism and healt hy achieving.
Exploring our fears and changing our self-t alk are t wo crit ical st eps in overcoming
perfect ionism.
Heres my example:
Li ke most women, I st ruggl e wi t h body i mage, sel f -c onf i denc e, and t he al ways-c ompl i c at ed rel at i onshi p bet ween f ood and emot i ons. Heres t he di f f erenc e bet ween
perf ec t i oni sm di et s and heal t hy goal s.
Perfecti o ni sm sel f-tal k: Ugh. Not hi ng f i t s. I m f at and ugl y. I m ashamed of how I l ook. I need t o be di f f erent t han I am ri ght now t o be wort hy of l ove and
bel ongi ng.
Heal thy-stri vi ng sel f-tal k: I want t hi s f or me. I want t o f eel bet t er and be heal t hi er. The sc al e doesnt di c t at e i f I m l oved and ac c ept ed. I f I bel i eve t hat I m wort hy
of l ove and respec t now, I wi l l i nvi t e c ourage, c ompassi on, and c onnec t i on i nt o my l i f e. I want t o f i gure t hi s out f or me. I c an do t hi s.
For me, t he result s of t his shift were life changing. Perfect ionism didnt lead t o result s. It led
t o peanut but t er.
Ive also had t o rely on t he old fake it t il you make it a few t imes. I t hink of it as pract icing
imperfect ion. For example, right aft er I st art ed working on t his definit ion, some friends dropped
by our house. My t hen nine-year-old daught er, Ellen, shout ed, Mom! Don and Julie are at t he
door! Our house was t rashed, and I could t ell by t he sound of Ellens voice t hat she was
t hinking, Oh no! Moms going to freak.
I said, Just a second, as I hurried t o get dressed. She ran back t o my room and said, Do
you want me t o help pick up?
I said, No, Im just get t ing dressed. Im so glad t heyre here. What a nice surprise! Who cares
about t he house! Then I put myself in a Serenit y Prayer t rance.
So, if we want t o live and love wit h our whole heart s, how do we keep perfect ionism from
sabot aging our effort s? When I int erviewed women and men who were engaging wit h t he
world from a place of aut hent icit y and wort hiness, I realized t hat t hey had a lot in common
regarding perfect ionism.
First , t hey spoke about t heir imperfect ions in a t ender and honest way, and wit hout shame
and fear. Second, t hey were slow t o judge t hemselves and ot hers. They appeared t o operat e
from a place of Were all doing t he best we can. Their courage, compassion, and connect ion
seemed root ed in t he way t hey t reat ed t hemselves. I wasnt quit e sure how t o capt ure t hese
at t ribut es, but I assumed t hat t hey were separat e qualit ies. That is unt il t wo years ago, when I
found Dr. Krist in Neffs work on self-compassion. Let s explore t he concept of self-compassion
and why it s essent ial t o pract icing aut hent icit y and embracing imperfect ion.
Self-Compassion
A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day.
A string of such moments can change the course of your life.
CHRI STOPHER K. GERMER
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Dr. Krist in Neff is a researcher and professor at t he Universit y of Texas at Aust in. She runs t he
Self-Compassion Research Lab, where she st udies how we develop and pract ice self-
compassion. According t o Neff, self-compassion has t hree element s: self-kindness, common
humanit y, and mindfulness.
4
Here are abbreviat ed definit ions for each of t hese:
Self-kindness: Being warm and underst anding t oward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or
feel inadequat e, rat her t han ignoring our pain or flagellat ing ourselves wit h self-crit icism.
Common humanity: Common humanit y recognizes t hat suffering and feelings of personal
inadequacy are part of t he shared human experiencesomet hing we all go t hrough
rat her t han somet hing t hat happens t o me alone.
Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach t o negat ive emot ions so t hat feelings are
neit her suppressed nor exaggerat ed. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for
it at t he same t ime. Mindfulness requires t hat we not over-ident ify wit h t hought s and
feelings, so t hat we are caught up and swept away by negat ivit y.
One of t he many t hings t hat I love about Dr. Neffs work is her definit ion of mindfulness.
Many of us t hink t hat being mindful means not avoiding painful emot ions. Her definit ion
reminds us t hat mindfulness also means not over-ident ifying wit h or exaggerat ing our feelings.
I t hink t hat s key for t hose of us who st ruggle wit h perfect ionism. Ill give you t he perfect
example: I recent ly e-mailed an aut hor t o ask if I could quot e her work in t his book. I included
t he exact passage t hat I want ed t o include so t hat she could make an informed choice. She
generously said yes, but warned me against using t he paragraph in t he e-mail because I had
misspelled her name.
I went int o t ot al perfect ion paralysis. Oh my God! Im writ ing t o ask her if I can quot e her and
I misspell her name. She probably t hinks Im a t ot al hack. Why was I so sloppy? It wasnt a
shame at t ackI didnt get sucked under t hat farbut I also didnt respond wit h self-
compassion. I came close t o being swept away by negat ive react ivit y. Luckily, a draft of t his
chapt er was on t he t able next t o me. I looked down at it and smiled. Be kind to yourself, Bren.
This is not a big deal.
Using t his e-mail exchange as an example, you can see how my perfect ionism and lack of
self-compassion could easily lead t o judgment . I t hink of myself as a sloppy hack because of
one t iny mist ake. By t he same t oken, when I get an e-mail from someone and t here are
mist akes, I have a t endency t o make sweeping judgment s. It get s really dangerous if Ellen
comes t o me and says, I just sent my t eacher an e-mail, and I accident ally misspelled her
name. Do I say, What ? That s unaccept able! or do I say, Ive done t he same t hing
mist akes happen.
Perfect ionism never happens in a vacuum. It t ouches everyone around us. We pass it down
t o our children, we infect our workplace wit h impossible expect at ions, and it s suffocat ing for
our friends and families. Thankfully, compassion also spreads quickly. When were kind t o
ourselves, we creat e a reservoir of compassion t hat we can ext end t o ot hers. Our children
learn how t o be self-compassionat e by wat ching us, and t he people around us feel free t o be
aut hent ic and connect ed.
DIG Deep
Get Deliberat e: One t ool t hat s helped me get deliberat e about my self-compassion is Dr.
Neffs Self-Compassion Scale.
5
It s a short t est t hat measures t he element s of self-
compassion (self-kindness, common humanit y, and mindfulness) and t he t hings t hat get in t he
way (self-judgment , isolat ion, and overident ificat ion). The scale helped me t o realize t hat I do
really well in t erms of common humanit y and mindfulness, but self-kindness needs my const ant
at t ent ion. The Self-Compassion Scale and ot her wonderful informat ion are available on Dr.
Neffs Web sit e: www.self-compassion.org.
Get Inspired: Most of us are t rying t o live an aut hent ic life. Deep down, we want t o t ake off
our game face and be real and imperfect . There is a line from Leonard Cohens song Ant hem
t hat serves as a reminder t o me when I get int o t hat place where Im t rying t o cont rol
everyt hing and make it perfect .
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The line is, There is a crack in everyt hing. That s how t he
light get s in. So many of us run around spackling all of t he cracks, t rying t o make everyt hing
look just right . This line helps me remember t he beaut y of t he cracks (and t he messy house
and t he imperfect manuscript and t he t oo-t ight jeans). It reminds me t hat our imperfect ions are
not inadequacies; t hey are reminders t hat were all in t his t oget her. Imperfect ly, but t oget her.
Get Going: Somet imes it helps me t o wake up in t he morning and t ell myself, Today, Im
going t o believe t hat showing up is enough.
How do you DIG Deep?
She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.
TERRI ST. CLOUD, WWW.BONESI GHARTS.COM
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Resiliencet he abilit y t o overcome adversit yhas been a growing t opic of st udy since t he
early 1970s. In a world plagued by st ress and st ruggle, everyone from psychologist s,
psychiat rist s, and social workers t o clergy and criminal just ice researchers want t o know why
and how some folks are bet t er at bouncing back from hardship t han ot hers. We want t o
underst and why some people can cope wit h st ress and t rauma in a way t hat allows t hem t o
move forward in t heir lives, and why ot her people appear more affect ed and st uck.
As I collect ed and analyzed my dat a, I recognized t hat many of t he people I int erviewed were
describing st ories of resilience. I heard st ories about people cult ivat ing Wholeheart ed lives
despit e adversit y. I learned about peoples capacit ies t o st ay mindful and aut hent ic under
great st ress and anxiet y, and I heard people describe how t hey were able t o t ransform t rauma
int o Wholeheart ed t hriving.
It wasnt difficult t o recognize t hese st ories as t ales of resilience because I was in graduat e
school during t he heyday of resilience research. I knew t hese narrat ives were t hreaded wit h
what we call protective factorst he t hings we do, have, and pract ice t hat give us t he bounce.
What Makes Up Resilience?
If you look at t he current research, here are five of t he most common fact ors of resilient people:
1. They are resourceful and have good problem-solving skills.
2. They are more likely t o seek help.
3. They hold t he belief t hat t hey can do somet hing t hat will help t hem t o manage t heir
feelings and t o cope.
4. They have social support available t o t hem.
5. They are connect ed wit h ot hers, such as family or friends.
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Of course, t here are more fact ors, depending on t he researchers, but t hese are t he big ones.
At first , I hoped t he pat t erns t hat I observed in my research would lead t o a very
st raight forward conclusionresilience is a core component of Wholeheart ednessjust like t he
ot her guidepost s. But t here was somet hing more t o what I was hearing. The st ories had more
in common t han just resilience; all of t hese st ories were about spirit .
According t o t he people I int erviewed, t he very foundat ion of t he prot ect ive fact orst he
t hings t hat made t hem bouncywas t heir spirit ualit y. By spirit ualit y, Im not t alking about
religion or t heology, but I am t alking about a shared and deeply held belief. Based on t he
int erviews, heres how I define spirituality:
Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in
love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.
Wit hout except ion, spirit ualit yt he belief in connect ion, a power great er t han self, and
int erconnect ions grounded in love and compassionemerged as a component of resilience.
Most people spoke of God, but not everyone. Some were occasional churchgoers; ot hers were
not . Some worshipped at fishing holes; ot hers in t emples, mosques, or at home. Some
st ruggled wit h t he idea of religion; ot hers were devout members of organized religions. The
one t hing t hat t hey all had in common was spirit ualit y as t he foundat ion of t heir resilience.
From t his foundat ion of spirit ualit y, t hree ot her significant pat t erns emerged as being
essent ial t o resilience:
1. Cult ivat ing hope
2. Pract icing crit ical awareness
3. Let t ing go of numbing and t aking t he edge off vulnerabilit y, discomfort , and pain
Let s t ake a look at each of t hese and how t heyre connect ed t o resilience and spirit .
Hope and Powerlessness
As a researcher, I cant t hink of t wo words t hat are more misunderst ood t han t he words hope
and power. As soon as I realized t hat hope is an import ant piece of Wholeheart ed living, I
st art ed invest igat ing and found t he work of C. R. Snyder, a former researcher at t he Universit y
of Kansas, Lawrence.
3
Like most people, I always t hought of hope as an emot ionlike a warm
feeling of opt imism and possibilit y. I was wrong.
I was shocked t o discover t hat hope is not an emot ion; it s a way of t hinking or a cognit ive
process. Emot ions play a support ing role, but hope is really a t hought process made up of what
Snyder calls a t rilogy of goals, pat hways, and agency.
4
In very simple t erms, hope happens
when
We have t he abilit y t o set realist ic goals (I know where I want to go).
We are able t o figure out how t o achieve t hose goals, including t he abilit y t o st ay flexible
and develop alt ernat ive rout es (I know how to get there, Im persistent, and I can tolerate
disappointment and try again).
We believe in ourselves (I can do this!).
So, hope is a combinat ion of set t ing goals, having t he t enacit y and perseverance t o pursue
t hem, and believing in our own abilit ies.
And, if t hat s not news enough, heres somet hing else: Hope is learned! Snyder suggest s
t hat we learn hopeful, goal-direct ed t hinking in t he cont ext of ot her people. Children most
oft en learn hope from t heir parent s. Snyder says t hat t o learn hopefulness, children need
relat ionships t hat are charact erized by boundaries, consist ency, and support . I t hink it s so
empowering t o know t hat I have t he abilit y t o t each my children how t o hope. It s not a
crapshoot . It s a conscious choice.
To add t o Snyders work on hope, I found in my research t hat men and women who self-
report as hopeful put considerable value on persist ence and hard work. The new cult ural belief
t hat everyt hing should be fun, fast, and easy is inconsist ent wit h hopeful t hinking. It also set s
us up for hopelessness. When we experience somet hing t hat is difficult and requires significant
t ime and effort , we are quick t o t hink, This is supposed to be easy; its not worth the effort, or,
This should be easier: its only hard and slow because Im not good at it. Hopeful self-t alk
sounds more like, This is tough, but I can do it.
On t he ot her hand, for t hose of us who have t he t endency t o believe t hat everyt hing
wort hwhile should involve pain and suffering (like yours t ruly), Ive also learned t hat never fun,
fast, and easy is as det riment al t o hope as always fun, fast, and easy. Given my abilit ies t o
chase down a goal and bulldog it unt il it surrenders from pure exhaust ion, I resent ed learning
t his. Before t his research I believed t hat unless blood, sweat , and t ears were involved, it must
not be t hat import ant . I was wrong. Again.
We develop a hopeful mind-set when we underst and t hat some wort hy endeavors will be
difficult and t ime consuming and not enjoyable at all. Hope also requires us t o underst and t hat
just because t he process of reaching a goal happens t o be fun, fast, and easy doesnt mean
t hat it has less value t han a difficult goal. If we want t o cult ivat e hopefulness, we have t o be
willing t o be flexible and demonst rat e perseverance. Not every goal will look and feel t he same.
Tolerance for disappoint ment , det erminat ion, and a belief in self are t he heart of hope.
As a college professor and researcher, I spend a significant amount of t ime wit h t eachers
and school administ rat ors. Over t he past t wo years Ive become increasingly concerned t hat
were raising children who have lit t le t olerance for disappoint ment and have a st rong sense of
ent it lement , which is very different t han agency. Ent it lement is I deserve t his just because I
want it and agency is I know I can do t his. The combinat ion of fear of disappoint ment ,
ent it lement , and performance pressure is a recipe for hopelessness and self-doubt .
Hopelessness is dangerous because it leads t o feelings of powerlessness. Like t he word
hope, we oft en t hink of power as negat ive. It s not . The best definit ion of power comes from
Mart in Lut her King Jr. He described power as t he abilit y t o effect change. If we quest ion our
need for power, t hink about t his: How do you feel when you believe that you are powerless to
change something in your life?
Powerlessness is dangerous. For most of us, t he inabilit y t o effect change is a desperat e
feeling. We need resilience and hope and a spirit t hat can carry us t hrough t he doubt and fear.
We need t o believe t hat we can effect change if we want t o live and love wit h our whole
heart s.
Pract icing Crit ical Awareness
Pract icing crit ical awareness is about realit y-checking t he messages and expect at ions t hat
drive t he never good enough gremlins. From t he t ime we wake up t o t he t ime our head hit s
t he pillow at night , we are bombarded wit h messages and expect at ions about every aspect of
our lives. From magazine ads and TV commercials t o movies and music, were t old exact ly
what we should look like, how much we should weigh, how oft en we should have sex, how we
should parent , how we should decorat e our houses, and which car we should drive. It s
absolut ely overwhelming, and, in my opinion, no one is immune. Trying t o avoid media
messages is like holding your breat h t o avoid air pollut ionit s not going t o happen.
It s in our biology t o t rust what we see wit h our eyes. This makes living in a carefully edit ed,
overproduced, and Phot oshopped world very dangerous. If we want t o cult ivat e a resilient spirit
and st op falling prey t o comparing our ordinary lives wit h manufact ured images, we need t o
know how t o realit y-check what we see. We need t o be able t o ask and answer t hese
quest ions:
1. Is what Im seeing real? Do t hese images convey real life or fant asy?
2. Do t hese images reflect healt hy, Wholeheart ed living, or do t hey t urn my life, my body, my
family, and my relat ionships int o object s and commodit ies?
3. Who benefit s by my seeing t hese images and feeling bad about myself? Hint: This is
ALWAYS about money and/or control.
In addit ion t o being essent ial t o resilience, pract icing crit ical awareness is act ually one of t he
four element s of shame resilience. Shame works like t he zoom lens on a camera. When we are
feeling shame, t he camera is zoomed in t ight and all we see is our flawed selves, alone and
st ruggling. We t hink t o ourselves, Im the only one with a muffin-top? Am I the only one with a
family who is messy, loud, and out of control? Am I the only one not having sex 4.3 times per
week (with a Calvin Klein model)? Something is wrong with me. I am alone.
When we zoom out , we st art t o see a complet ely different pict ure. We see many people in
t he same st ruggle. Rat her t han t hinking, Im the only one, we st art t hinking, I cant believe it!
You too? Im normal? I thought it was just me! Once we st art t o see t he big pict ure, we are
bet t er able t o realit y-check our shame t riggers and t he messages and expect at ions t hat were
never good enough.
In my experiences as a t eacher and shame researcher, I have found incredible insight and
wisdom in t he work of Jean Kilbourne and Jackson Kat z. Bot h Kilbourne and Kat z explore t he
relat ionship of media images t o act ual problems in t he societ y, such as violence, t he sexual
abuse of children, pornography and censorship, masculinit y and loneliness, t eenage pregnancy,
addict ion, and eat ing disorders. Kilbourne writ es, Advert ising is an over $200 billion a year
indust ry. We are each exposed t o over 3000 ads a day. Yet , remarkably, most of us believe we
are not influenced by advert ising. Ads sell a great deal more t han product s. They sell values,
images, and concept s of success and wort h, love and sexualit y, popularit y and normalcy. They
t ell us who we are and who we should be. Somet imes t hey sell addict ions.
5
I highly
recommend Kilbournes and Kat zs DVDst heyve changed t he way I see t he world and
myself. (Jean Kilbournes lat est DVD is Killing Us Softly 4,
6
and Kat zs DVD is t it led Tough
Guise: Violence, Media, and the Crisis in Masculinity.
7
)
As I ment ioned earlier, pract icing spirit ualit y brings perspect ive, meaning, and purpose t o our
lives. When we allow ourselves t o become cult urally condit ioned t o believe t hat we are not
enough and t hat we dont make enough or have enough, it damages our soul. This is why I
t hink pract icing crit ical awareness and realit y-checking is as much about spirit ualit y as it is
about crit ical t hinking.
Numbing and Taking t he Edge Off
I t alked t o many research part icipant s who were st ruggling wit h wort hiness. When we t alked
about how t hey dealt wit h difficult emot ions (such as shame, grief, fear, despair,
disappoint ment , and sadness), I heard over and over about t he need t o numb and t ake t he
edge off of feelings t hat cause vulnerabilit y, discomfort , and pain. Part icipant s described
engaging in behaviors t hat numbed t heir feelings or helped t hem t o avoid experiencing pain.
Some of t hese part icipant s were fully aware t hat t heir behaviors had a numbing effect , while
ot hers did not seem t o make t hat connect ion. When I int erviewed t he part icipant s whom Id
describe as living a Wholeheart ed life about t he same t opic, t hey consist ent ly t alked about
trying to feel the feelings, staying mindful about numbing behaviors, and trying to lean into the
discomfort of hard emotions.
I knew t his was a crit ically import ant finding in my research, so I spent several hundred
int erviews t rying t o bet t er underst and t he consequences of numbing and how t aking t he edge
off behaviors is relat ed t o addict ion. Heres what I learned:
1. Most of us engage in behaviors (consciously or not ) t hat help us t o numb and t ake t he
edge of off vulnerabilit y, pain, and discomfort .
2. Addict ion can be described as chronically and compulsively numbing and t aking t he edge
off of feelings.
3. We cannot select ively numb emot ions. When we numb t he painful emot ions, we also
numb t he posit ive emot ions.
The most powerful emot ions t hat we experience have very sharp point s, like t he t ip of a
t horn. When t hey prick us, t hey cause discomfort and even pain. Just t he ant icipat ion or fear of
t hese feelings can t rigger int olerable vulnerabilit y in us. We know it s coming. For many of us,
our first response t o vulnerabilit y and pain of t hese sharp point s is not t o lean int o t he
discomfort and feel our way t hrough but rat her t o make it go away. We do t hat by numbing
and t aking t he edge off t he pain wit h what ever provides t he quickest relief. We can
anest het ize wit h a whole bunch of st uff, including alcohol, drugs, food, sex, relat ionships,
money, work, caret aking, gambling, st aying busy, affairs, chaos, shopping, planning,
perfect ionism, const ant change, and t he Int ernet .
Before conduct ing t his research I t hought t hat numbing and t aking t he edge off was just
about addict ion, but I dont believe t hat anymore. Now I believe t hat everyone numbs and
t akes t he edge off and t hat addict ion is about engaging in t hese behaviors compulsively and
chronically. The men and women in my st udy whom I would describe as fully engaged in
Wholeheart ed living were not immune t o numbing. The primary difference seemed t o be t hat
t hey were aware of t he dangers of numbing and had developed t he abilit y t o feel t heir way
t hrough high-vulnerabilit y experiences.
I definit ely believe t hat genet ics and neurobiology can play a crit ical role in addict ion, but I
also believe t hat t here are count less people out t here st ruggling wit h numbing and t aking t he
edge off because t he disease model of addict ion doesnt fit t heir experiences as closely as a
model t hat t akes numbing processes int o considerat ion. Not everyones addict ion is t he same.
When I first st art ed my research, I was very familiar wit h addict ion. If youve read I Thought It
Was Just Me, or if you follow my blog, you probably know t hat Ive been sober for close t o
fift een years. Ive always been very up front about by experiences, but I havent writ t en about it
in great det ail because unt il I st art ed working t hrough t his new research on Wholeheart edness,
I didnt really underst and it .
Now I get it .
My confusion st emmed from t he fact t hat I never have felt complet ely in sync wit h t he
recovery communit y. Abst inence and t he Twelve St eps are powerful and profoundly import ant
principles in my life, but not everyt hing about t he recovery movement fit s for me. For example,
millions of people owe t heir lives t o t he power t hat comes from saying, Hi, Im (name), and Im
an alcoholic. That s never fit for me. Even t hough Im grat eful for my sobriet y, and Im
convinced t hat it has radically changed my life, saying t hose words has always felt
disempowering and st rangely disingenuous for me.
I have oft en wondered if I felt out of place because I quit so many t hings at one t ime. My first
sponsor couldnt figure out what meet ing I needed and was perplexed by my very high
bot t om (I quit drinking because I want ed t o learn more about t rue self, and my wild part y-girl
persona kept get t ing in t he way). She looked at me one night and said, You have t he pupu
plat t er of addict ionsa lit t le bit of everyt hing. To be safe, it would be best if you just quit
drinking, smoking, comfort - eat ing, and get t ing in your familys business.
I remember looking at her, t hrowing my fork on t he t able, and saying, Well, t hat s just
awesome. I guess Ill have some free t ime on my hands for all of t he meet ings. I never found
my meet ing. I quit drinking and smoking t he day aft er I finished my mast ers degree and made
my way t hrough enough meet ings t o work t he St eps and get one year of sobriet y under my
belt .
Now I know why.
Ive spent most of my life t rying t o out run vulnerabilit y and uncert aint y. I wasnt raised wit h
t he skills and emot ional pract ice needed t o lean int o discomfort , so over t ime I basically
became a t ake-t he-edge-off-aholic. But t hey dont have meet ings for t hat . And aft er some
brief experiment ing, I learned t hat describing your addict ion t hat way in a meet ing doesnt
always go over very well wit h t he purist s.
For me, it wasnt just t he dance halls, cold beer, and Marlboro Light s of my yout h t hat got out
of handit was banana bread, chips and queso, e-mail, work, st aying busy, incessant worrying,
planning, perfect ionism, and anyt hing else t hat could dull t hose agonizing and anxiet y-fueled
feelings of vulnerabilit y.
Ive had a couple of friends respond t o my Im a t ake-t he-edge- off-aholic wit h concern
about t heir own habit s: I drink a couple of glasses of wine every night is t hat bad? I always
shop when Im st ressed or depressed. I come out of my skin if Im not always going and
st aying busy.
Again, aft er years of research, Im convinced t hat we all numb and t ake t he edge off. The
quest ion is, does our _______________ (eat ing, drinking, spending, gambling, saving t he world,
incessant gossiping, perfect ionism, sixt y-hour workweek) get in t he way of our aut hent icit y?
Does it st op us from being emot ionally honest and set t ing boundaries and feeling like were
enough? Does it keep us from st aying out of judgment and from feeling connect ed? Are we
using _____________ t o hide or escape from t he realit y of our lives?
Underst anding my behaviors and feelings t hrough a vulnerabilit y lens rat her t han st rict ly
t hrough an addict ion lens changed my ent ire life. It also st rengt hened my commit ment t o
sobriet y, abst inence, healt h, and spirit ualit y. I can definit ely say, Hi. My name is Bren, and
t oday Id like t o deal wit h vulnerabilit y and uncert aint y wit h an apple frit t er, a beer and
cigaret t e, and spending seven hours on Facebook. That feels uncomfort ably honest .
When We Numb t he Dark, We Numb t he Light
In anot her very unexpect ed discovery, my research also t aught me t hat t heres no such t hing
as select ive emot ional numbing. There is a full spect rum of human emot ions and when we
numb t he dark, we numb t he light . While I was t aking t he edge off of t he pain and
vulnerabilit y, I was also unint ent ionally dulling my experiences of good feelings, like joy. Looking
back, I cant imagine any research finding t hat has changed what my daily life looks like more
t han t his. Now I can lean int o joy, even when it makes me feel t ender and vulnerable. In fact , I
expect t ender and vulnerable.
Joy is as t horny and sharp as any of t he dark emot ions. To love someone fiercely, t o believe
in somet hing wit h your whole heart , t o celebrat e a fleet ing moment in t ime, t o fully engage in a
life t hat doesnt come wit h guarant eest hese are risks t hat involve vulnerabilit y and oft en
pain. When we lose our t olerance for discomfort , we lose joy. In fact , addict ion research shows
us t hat an int ensely posit ive experience is as likely t o cause relapse as an int ensely painful
experience.
8
We cant make a list of all of t he bad emot ions and say, Im going t o numb t hese and t hen
make a list of t he posit ive emot ions and say, Im going t o fully engage in t hese! You can
imagine t he vicious cycle t his creat es: I dont experience much joy so I have no reservoir t o
draw from when hard t hings happen. They feel even more painful, so I numb. I numb so I dont
experience joy. And so on.
More on joy is coming in t he next chapt er. For now, as t he sharp edges have st art ed t o come
back in my own life, Im learning t hat recognizing and leaning int o t he discomfort of vulnerabilit y
t eaches us how t o live wit h joy, grat it ude, and grace. Im also learning t hat t he uncomfort able
and scary leaning requires bot h spirit and resilience.
The most difficult t hing about what Im proposing in t his chapt er is capt ured by a quest ion
t hat I get a lot (especially from my colleagues in t he academic world): Is spirit ualit y a necessary
component for resilience? The answer is yes.
Feelings of hopelessness, fear, blame, pain, discomfort , vulnerabilit y, and disconnect ion
sabot age resilience. The only experience t hat seems broad and fierce enough t o combat a list
like t hat is t he belief t hat were all in t his t oget her and t hat somet hing great er t han us has t he
capacit y t o bring love and compassion int o our lives.
Again, I didnt find t hat any one int erpret at ion of spirit ualit y has t he corner on t he resilience
market . It s not about denominat ions or dogma. Pract icing spirit ualit y is what brings healing and
creat es resilience. For me, spirit ualit y is about connect ing wit h God, and I do t hat most oft en
t hrough nat ure, communit y, and music. We all have t o define spirit ualit y in a way t hat inspires
us.
Whet her were overcoming adversit y, surviving t rauma, or dealing wit h st ress and anxiet y,
having a sense of purpose, meaning, and perspect ive in our lives allows us t o develop
underst anding and move forward. Wit hout purpose, meaning, and perspect ive, it is easy t o lose
hope, numb our emot ions, or become overwhelmed by our circumst ances. We feel reduced,
less capable, and lost in t he face of st ruggle. The heart of spirit ualit y is connect ion. When we
believe in t hat inext ricable connect ion, we dont feel alone.
DIG Deep
Get Deliberat e: A good friend of mine heard t his wonderful int ent ion-set t ing reminder during
a Twelve St ep meet ing. I love it ! It s called t he vowel check: AEIOUY.
A = Have I been Abst i nent t oday? (However you def i ne t hat I f i nd i t a l i t t l e more c hal l engi ng when i t c omes t o t hi ngs l i ke f ood, work, and t he c omput er.)
E = Have I Exerc i sed t oday?
I = What have I done f or mysel f t oday?
O = What have I done f or Ot hers t oday?
U = Am I hol di ng on t o Unexpressed emot i ons t oday?
Y = Yeah! What i s somet hi ng good t hat s happened t oday?
Get Inspired: Im inspired by t his quot e from writ er and researcher Elisabet h Kbler-Ross:
People are like st ained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when t he sun is out , but when
t he darkness set s in, t heir beaut y is revealed only if t here is a light from wit hin. I really do
believe t he light t hat I saw wit hin t he resilient people I int erviewed was t heir spirit . I love t he
idea of being lit from wit hin.
Get Going: I love daily medit at ions and prayers. Somet imes t he best way for me t o get going
is quiet prayer.
How do you DIG Deep?
Earlier I ment ioned how surprised I was t o see cert ain concept s from my research emerge in
pairs or groups. These collect ions of concept s have creat ed major paradigm shift s for me in
t erms of t he way I t hink about my life and t he choices I make every day.
A good example of t his is t he way t hat love and belonging go t oget her. Now I underst and
t hat in order t o feel a t rue sense of belonging, I need t o bring t he real me t o t he t able and t hat I
can only do t hat if Im pract icing self-love. For years I t hought it was t he ot her way around: Ill do
what ever it t akes t o fit in, Ill feel accept ed, and t hat will make me like myself bet t er. Just typing
those words and thinking about how many years I spent living that way makes me weary. No
wonder I was tired for so long!
In many ways, t his research has not only t aught me new ways t o t hink about how I want t o
live and love, it s t aught me about t he relat ionship bet ween my experiences and choices. One
of t he most profound changes in my life happened when I got my head around t he relat ionship
bet ween grat it ude and joy. I always t hought t hat joyful people were grat eful people. I mean,
why wouldnt t hey be? They have all of t hat goodness t o be grat eful for. But aft er spending
count less hours collect ing st ories about joy and grat it ude, t hree powerful pat t erns emerged:
Wit hout except ion, every person I int erviewed who described living a joyful life or who
described t hemselves as joyful, act ively pract iced grat it ude and at t ribut ed t heir
joyfulness t o t heir grat it ude pract ice.
Bot h joy and grat it ude were described as spirit ual pract ices t hat were bound t o a belief in
human int erconnect edness and a power great er t han us.
People were quick t o point out t he differences bet ween happiness and joy as t he
difference bet ween a human emot ion t hat s connect ed t o circumst ances and a spirit ual
way of engaging wit h t he world t hat s connect ed t o pract icing grat it ude.
Grat it ude
When it comes t o grat it ude, t he word t hat jumped out at me t hroughout t his research process
is practice. I dont necessarily t hink anot her researcher would have been so t aken aback, but
as someone who t hought t hat knowledge was more import ant t han pract ice, I found t hese
words t o be a call t o act ion. In fact , it s safe t o say t hat reluct ant ly recognizing t he import ance
of pract ice sparked my 2007 Breakdown Spirit ual Awakening.
For years, I subscribed t o t he not ion of an at t it ude of grat it ude. Ive since learned t hat an
at t it ude is an orient at ion or a way of t hinking and t hat having an at t it ude doesnt always
t ranslat e t o a behavior.
For example, it would be reasonable t o say t hat I have a yoga at t it ude. The ideals and
beliefs t hat guide my life are very in line wit h t he ideas and beliefs t hat I associat e wit h yoga. I
value mindfulness, breat hing, and t he body-mind-spirit connect ion. I even have yoga out fit s.
But , let me assure you, my yoga at t it ude and out fit s dont mean jack if you put me on a yoga
mat and ask me t o st and on my head or st rike a pose. As Im sit t ing here writ ing t his, Ive never
pract iced yoga. I plan t o change t hat bet ween now and t he t ime youre holding t his book in
your hand, but t o dat e, Ive never put t he at t it ude int o act ion. So where it really mat t erson
t he mat my yoga at t it ude doesnt count for much.
So, what does a grat it ude pract ice look like? The folks I int erviewed t alked about keeping
grat it ude journals, doing daily grat it ude medit at ions or prayers, creat ing grat it ude art , and even
st opping during t heir st ressful, busy days t o act ually say t hese words out loud: I am grat eful
for When t he Wholeheart ed t alk about grat it ude, t here are a whole bunch of verbs
involved. It seems t hat grat it ude wit hout pract ice may be a lit t le like fait h wit hout worksit s
not alive.
What Is Joy?
Joy seems to me a step beyond happiness. Happiness is a sort of atmosphere you can live in sometimes when youre lucky. Joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love.
ADELA ROGERS ST. JOHNS
The research has t aught me t hat happiness and joy are different experiences. In t he
int erviews, people would oft en say somet hing like, Being grat eful and joyful doesnt mean t hat
Im happy all of t he t ime. On many occasions I would delve deeper int o t hose t ypes of
st at ement s by asking, What does it look like when youre joyful and grat eful, but not happy?
The answers were all similar: Happiness is t ied t o circumst ance and joyfulness is t ied t o spirit
and grat it ude.
I also learned t hat neit her joy nor happiness is const ant ; no one feels happy all of t he t ime or
joyful all of t he t ime. Bot h experiences come and go. Happiness is at t ached t o ext ernal
sit uat ions and event s and seems t o ebb and flow as t hose circumst ances come and go. Joy
seems t o be const ant ly t et hered t o our heart s by spirit and grat it ude. But our act ual
experiences of joyt hese int ense feelings of deep spirit ual connect ion and pleasureseize us
in a very vulnerable way.
Aft er t hese differences emerged from my dat a, I looked around t o find what ot her
researchers had writ t en about joy and happiness. Int erest ingly, t he explanat ion t hat seemed
t o best describe my findings was from a t heologian.
Anne Robert son, a Met hodist past or, writ er, and execut ive direct or of t he Massachuset t s
Bible Societ y, explains how t he Greek origins of t he words happiness and joy hold import ant
meaning for us t oday. She explains t hat t he Greek word for happiness is Makarios, which was
used t o describe t he freedom of t he rich from normal cares and worries, or t o describe a person
who received some form of good fort une, such as money or healt h. Robert son compares t his
t o t he Greek word for joy which is chairo. Chairo was described by t he ancient Greeks as t he
culminat ion of being and t he good mood of t he soul. Robert son writ es, Chairo is
somet hing, t he ancient Greeks t ell us, t hat is found only in God and comes wit h virt ue and
wisdom. It isnt a beginners virt ue; it comes as t he culminat ion. They say it s opposit e is not
sadness, but fear.
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We need bot h happiness and joy. I t hink it s import ant t o creat e and recognize t he
experiences t hat make us happy. In fact , Im a big fan of Gret chen Rubins book The Happiness
Project and Tal Ben-Shahars research and book Happier. But in addit ion t o creat ing
happiness in our lives, Ive learned t hat we need t o cult ivat e t he spirit ual pract ices t hat lead t o
joyfulness, especially grat it ude. In my own life, Id like t o experience more happiness, but I want
t o live from a place of grat it ude and joy. To do t his, I t hink we have t o t ake a hard look at t he
t hings t hat get in t he way of grat it ude and joy, and t o some degree, even happiness.
Scarcit y and Fear of t he Dark
The very first t ime I t ried t o writ e about what get s in t he way of grat it ude and joy, I was in
sit t ing on t he couch in my living room wit h my lapt op next t o me and my research memo journal
in my hands. I was t ired and rat her t han writ ing, I spent an hour st aring at t he t winkle light s
hanging over t he ent ryway int o my dining room. Im a huge fan of t hose lit t le clear, sparkly
light s. I t hink t hey make t he world look pret t ier, so I keep t hem in my house year-round.
As I sat t here flipping t hrough t he st ories and gazing at t he t winkle light s, I t ook out a pen
and wrot e t his down:
Twinkle lights are the perfect metaphor for joy. Joy is not a constant. It comes to us in momentsoften ordinary moments. Sometimes we miss out on the bursts of joy because were too busy
chasing down extraordinary moments. Other times were so afraid of the dark that we dont dare let ourselves enjoy the light.
A joyful life is not a floodlight of joy. That would eventually become unbearable.
I believe a joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith.
For t hose of you who follow my blog, youll recognize t his as t he mant ra for my grat it ude
post s on Fridays t hat I call TGIF. I t urned t his quot e int o a small badge, and part of my
grat it ude pract ice is a weekly post about what Im Trusting, what Im Grateful for, what Inspires
me, and how Im pract icing my Faith. It s incredibly powerful t o read everyones comment s.
Joy and grat it ude can be very vulnerable and int ense experiences. We are an anxious people
and many of us have very lit t le t olerance for vulnerabilit y. Our anxiet y and fear can manifest as
scarcit y. We t hink t o ourselves:
Im not going to allow myself to feel this joy because I know it wont last.
Acknowledging how grateful I am is an invitation for disaster.
Id rather not be joyful than have to wait for the other shoe to drop.
Fear of the Dark
Ive always been prone t o worry and anxiet y, but aft er I became a mot her, negot iat ing joy,
grat it ude, and scarcit y felt like a full-t ime job. For years, my fear of somet hing t errible
happening t o my children act ually prevent ed me from fully embracing joy and grat it ude. Every
t ime I came t oo close t o soft ening int o sheer joyfulness about my children and how much I love
t hem, Id pict ure somet hing t errible happening; Id pict ure losing everyt hing in a flash.
At first I t hought I was crazy. Was I t he only person in t he world who did t his? As my
t herapist and I st art ed working on it , I realized t hat my t oo good t o be t rue was t ot ally relat ed
t o fear, scarcit y, and vulnerabilit y. Knowing t hat t hose are pret t y universal emot ions, I gat hered
up t he courage t o t alk about my experiences wit h a group of five hundred parent s who had
come t o one of my parent ing lect ures. I gave an example of st anding over my daught er
wat ching her sleep, feeling t ot ally engulfed in grat it ude, t hen being ripped out of t hat joy and
grat it ude by images of somet hing bad happening t o her.
You could have heard a pin drop. I t hought , Oh, God. Im crazy and now theyre all sitting
there like, Shes a nut. How do we get out of here? Then all of t he sudden I heard t he sound
of a woman t oward t he back st art ing t o cry. Not sniffle cry, but sob cry. That sound was
followed by someone from t he front shout ing out , Oh my God! Why do we do t hat ? What
does it mean? The audit orium erupt ed in some kind of crazy parent revival. As I had
suspect ed, I was not alone.
Most of us have experienced being on t he edge of joy only t o be overcome by vulnerabilit y
and t hrown int o fear. Unt il we can t olerat e vulnerabilit y and t ransform it int o grat it ude, int ense
feelings of love will oft en bring up t he fear of loss. If I had t o sum up what Ive learned about
fear and joy, t his is what I would say:
The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. Its our f ear of t he dark that casts our joy into the shadows.
Scarcity
These are anxious and fearful t imes, bot h of which breed scarcit y. Were afraid t o lose what we
love t he most , and we hat e t hat t here are no guarant ees. We t hink not being grat eful and not
feeling joy will make it hurt less. We t hink if we can beat vulnerabilit y t o t he punch by imaging
loss, well suffer less. Were wrong. There is one guarant ee: If were not pract icing grat it ude and
allowing ourselves t o know joy, we are missing out on t he t wo t hings t hat will act ually sust ain
us during t he inevit able hard t imes.
What Im describing above is scarcit y of safet y and uncert aint y. But t here are ot her kinds of
scarcit y. My friend Lynne Twist has writ t en an incredible book called The Soul of Money. In t his
book, Lynne addresses t he myt h of scarcit y. She writ es,
For me, and f or many of us, our f i rst waki ng t hought of t he day i s I di dnt get enough sl eep. The next one i s I dont have enough t i me. Whet her t rue or not , t hat
t hought of not enough oc c urs t o us aut omat i c al l y bef ore we even t hi nk t o quest i on or exami ne i t . We spend most of t he hours and t he days of our l i ves heari ng,
expl ai ni ng, c ompl ai ni ng, or worryi ng about what we dont have enough of We dont have enough exerc i se. We dont have enough work. We dont have enough prof i t s.
We dont have enough power. We dont have enough wi l derness. We dont have enough weekends. Of c ourse, we dont have enough moneyever.
Were not t hi n enough, were not smart enough, were not pret t y enough or f i t enough or educ at ed or suc c essf ul enough, or ri c h enoughever. Bef ore we even si t up
i n bed, bef ore our f eet t ouc h t he f l oor, were al ready i nadequat e, al ready behi nd, al ready l osi ng, al ready l ac ki ng somet hi ng. And by t he t i me we go t o bed at ni ght , our
mi nds rac e wi t h a l i t any of what we di dnt get , or di dnt get done, t hat day. We go t o sl eep burdened by t hose t hought s and wake up t o t he reveri e of l ac k What begi ns
as a si mpl e expressi on of t he hurri ed l i f e, or even t he c hal l enged l i f e, grows i nt o t he great j ust i f i c at i on f or an unf ul f i l l ed l i f e.
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As I read t his passage, it makes t ot al sense t o me why were a nat ion hungry for more joy:
Because were st arving from a lack of grat it ude. Lynne says t hat addressing scarcit y doesnt
mean searching for abundance but rat her choosing a mind-set of sufficiency:
We eac h have t he c hoi c e i n any set t i ng t o st ep bac k and l et go of t he mi ndset of sc arc i t y. Onc e we l et go of sc arc i t y, we di sc over t he surpri si ng t rut h of suf f i c i enc y. By
suf f i c i enc y, I dont mean a quant i t y of anyt hi ng. Suf f i c i enc y i snt t wo st eps up f rom povert y or one st ep short of abundanc e. I t i snt a measure of barel y enough or
more t han enough. Suf f i c i enc y i snt an amount at al l . I t i s an experi enc e, a c ont ext we generat e, a dec l arat i on, a knowi ng t hat t here i s enough, and t hat we are enough.
Suf f i c i enc y resi des i nsi de of eac h of us, and we c an c al l i t f orward. I t i s a c onsc i ousness, an at t ent i on, an i nt ent i onal c hoosi ng of t he way we t hi nk about our
c i rc umst anc es.
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Scarcit y is also great fuel for t he gremlins. In my earlier shame research and in t his more
recent research, I realized how many of us have bought int o t he idea t hat somet hing has t o be
ext raordinary if it s going t o bring us joy. In I Thought It Was Just Me, I writ e, We seem t o
measure t he value of peoples cont ribut ions (and somet imes t heir ent ire lives) by t heir level of
public recognit ion. In ot her words, wort h is measured by fame and fort une. Our cult ure is quick
t o dismiss quiet , ordinary, hardworking men and women. In many inst ances, we equat e ordinary
wit h boring or, even more dangerous, ordinary has become synonymous wit h meaningless.
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I t hink I learned t he most about t he value of ordinary from int erviewing men and women who
have experienced t remendous loss such as t he loss of a child, violence, genocide, and t rauma.
The memories t hat t hey held most sacred were t he ordinary, everyday moment s. It was clear
t hat t heir most precious memories were forged from a collect ion of ordinary moment s, and t heir
hope for ot hers is t hat t hey would st op long enough t o be grat eful for t hose moment s and t he
joy t hey bring. Aut hor and spirit ual leader Marianne Williamson says, Joy is what happens t o
us when we allow ourselves t o recognize how good t hings really are.
DIG Deep
Get Deliberat e: When Im flooded wit h fear and scarcit y, I t ry t o call forward joy and
sufficiency by acknowledging t he fear, t hen t ransforming it int o grat it ude. I say t his out loud:
Im feeling vulnerable. That s okay. Im so grat eful for ____________. Doing t his has
absolut ely increased my capacit y for joy.
Get Inspired: Im so inspired by t he daily doses of joy t hat happen in t hose ordinary moment s,
like walking my kids home from school, jumping on t he t rampoline, and sharing family meals.
Acknowledging t hat t hese moment s are really what life is about has changed my out look on
work, family, and success.
Get Going: From t aking t urns being t hankful during grace t o more creat ive project s like
creat ing a jar t o keep grat it ude not es in, were making Wholeheart edness a family affair.
How do you DIG Deep?
Everyt hing about t his research process has pushed me in ways t hat I never imagined. This is
especially t rue when it comes t o t opics like fait h, int uit ion, and spirit ualit y. When t he
import ance of int uit ion and fait h first emerged as key pat t erns in Wholeheart ed living, I winced
a lit t le bit . Once again, I felt like my good friendslogic and reasonwere under at t ack. I
remember t elling St eve, Now it s int uit ion and fait h! Can you believe it ?
He replied, Im surprised t hat youre surprised. You work off of fait h and your gut all of t he
t ime.
He t ook me off guard wit h his comment .
I sat down next t o him and said, Yeah, I know Im a gut and fait h kinda girl, but I guess Im
not very int uit ive. Read t his definit ion from t he dict ionary: Int uit ion is direct percept ion of t rut h
or fact , independent of any reasoning process.
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St eve chuckled, So, maybe t he definit ion doesnt mat ch what youre learning from t he dat a.
Youll writ e a new one. It wont be t he first t ime.
I spent a year focusing on int uit ion and fait h. I int erviewed and collect ed st ories so t hat I
could get my head and heart around what it means t o cult ivat e int uit ion and t rust fait h. I was
surprised by what I learned.
Int uit ion
Int uit ion is not independent of any reasoning process. In fact , psychologist s believe t hat
int uit ion is a rapid-fire, unconscious associat ing processlike a ment al puzzle.
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The brain
makes an observat ion, scans it s files, and mat ches t he observat ion wit h exist ing memories,
knowledge, and experiences. Once it put s t oget her a series of mat ches, we get a gut on
what weve observed.
Somet imes our int uit ion or our gut t ells us what we need t o know; ot her t imes it act ually
st eers us t oward fact -finding and reasoning. As it t urns out , int uit ion may be t he quiet voice
wit hin, but t hat voice is not limit ed t o one message. Somet imes our int uit ion whispers, Follow
your inst inct s. Ot her t imes it shout s, You need t o check t his out ; we dont have enough
informat ion!
In my research, I found t hat what silences our int uit ive voice is our need for cert aint y. Most of
us are not very good at not knowing. We like sure t hings and guarant ees so much t hat we
dont pay at t ent ion t o t he out comes of our brains mat ching process.
For example, rat her t han respect ing a st rong int ernal inst inct , we become fearful and look for
assurances from ot hers.
What do you t hink?
Should I do it ?
Do you t hink it s a good idea, or do you t hink Ill regret it ?
What would you do?
A t ypical response t o t hese survey quest ions is, Im not sure what you should do. What
does your gut say?
And t here it is. What does your gut say?
We shake our head and say, Im not sure when t he real answer is, I have no idea what my
gut says; we havent spoken in years.
When we st art polling people, it s oft en because we dont t rust our own knowing. It feels t oo
shaky and t oo uncert ain. We want assurances and folks wit h whom we can share t he blame if
t hings dont pan out . I know all about t his. Im a professional pollst erit s hard for me t o go it
alone somet imes. When Im making a difficult decision and feel disconnect ed from my int uit ion, I
have a t endency t o survey everyone around me. Ironically, since doing t his research, surveying
has become a red flag for meit t ells me t hat Im feeling vulnerable about making a decision.
As I ment ioned earlier, if we learn t o t rust our int uit ion, it can even t ell us t hat we dont have
a good inst inct on somet hing and t hat we need more dat a. Anot her example of how our need
for cert aint y sabot ages our int uit ion is when we ignore our gut s warning t o slow down, gat her
more informat ion, or realit y-check our expect at ions:
Im just going t o do it . I dont care anymore.
Im t ired of t hinking about it . It s t oo st ressful.
Id rat her just do it t han wait anot her second.
I cant st and not knowing.
When we charge headlong int o big decisions, it may be because we dont want t o know t he
answers t hat will emerge from doing due diligence. We know t hat fact -finding might lead us
away from what we t hink we want .
I always t ell myself, If Im afraid t o run t he numbers or put pencil t o paper, I shouldnt do it .
When we just want t o get t he decision- making over wit h, it s a good idea t o ask ourselves
whet her we simply cant st and t he vulnerabilit y of being st ill long enough t o t hink it t hrough
and make a mindful decision.
So, as you can see, int uit ion isnt always about accessing t he answers from wit hin.
Somet imes when weve t apped int o our inner wisdom, it t ells us t hat we dont know enough t o
make a decision wit hout more invest igat ion. Heres t he definit ion I craft ed from t he research:
Intuition is not a single way of knowingits our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways weve developed knowledge and insight, including instinct,
experience, faith, and reason.
Fait h
Ive come t o realize t hat fait h and reason are not nat ural enemies. It s our human need for
cert aint y and our need t o be right t hat have pit t ed fait h and reason against each ot her in an
almost reckless way. We force ourselves t o choose and defend one way of knowing t he world
at t he expense of t he ot her.
I underst and t hat fait h and reason can clash and creat e uncomfort able t ensionst hose
t ensions play out in my life, and I can feel t hem in my bones. But t his work has forced me t o see
t hat it s our fear of t he unknown and our fear of being wrong t hat creat e most of our conflict
and anxiet y. We need bot h fait h and reason t o make meaning in an uncert ain world.
I cant t ell you how many t imes Ive heard t he t erms having faith and my faith in my int erviews
wit h men and women who are living t he Wholeheart ed journey. At first I t hought t hat fait h
meant t heres a reason for everyt hing. I personally st ruggled wit h t hat because Im not
comfort able wit h using God or fait h or spirit ualit y t o explain t ragedy. It act ually feels like
subst it ut ing cert aint y for fait h when people say, Theres a reason for everyt hing.
But I quickly learned from t he int erviews t hat fait h meant somet hing else t o t hese people.
Heres how I define faith based on t he research int erviews:
Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.
I also learned t hat it s not always t he scient ist s who st ruggle wit h fait h and t he religious who
fully embrace uncert aint y. Many forms of fundament alism and ext remism are about choosing
cert aint y over fait h.
I love t his from t heologian Richard Rohr: My scient ist friends have come up wit h t hings like
principles of uncert aint y and dark holes. Theyre willing t o live inside imagined hypot heses and
t heories. But many religious folks insist on answers t hat are always t rue. We love closure,
resolut ion and clarit y, while t hinking t hat we are people of fait h! How st range t hat t he very
word fait h has come t o mean it s exact opposit e.
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Fait h is essent ial when we decide t o live and love wit h our whole heart s in a world where
most of us want assurances before we risk being vulnerable and get t ing hurt . To say, Im
going t o engage Wholeheart edly in my life requires believing wit hout seeing.
DIG DEEP
Get Deliberat e: Let t ing go of cert aint y is one of my great est challenges. I even have a
physical response t o not knowingit s anxiet y and fear and vulnerabilit y combined. That s
when I have t o get very quiet and st ill. Wit h my kids and my busy life, t hat can mean hiding in
t he garage or driving around t he block. What ever it t akes, I have t o find a way t o be st ill so I
can hear what Im saying.
Get Inspired: The process of reclaiming my spirit ual and fait h life was not an easy one (hence
t he 2007 Breakdown Spirit ual Awakening). Theres a quot e t hat lit erally cracked open my
heart . It s from a book by Anne Lamot t : The opposit e of fait h is not doubt , but cert aint y.
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Her
books about fait h and grace inspire me.
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Im inspired by and t hankful for When the Heart Waits
by Sue Monk Kidd
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and Pema Chdrns Comfortable with Uncertainty
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; t hey saved me. And
last , I absolut ely love t his quot e from Paulo Coelhos The Alchemist: int uit ion is really a
sudden immersion of t he soul int o t he universal current of life, where t he hist ories of all people
are connect ed, and we are able t o know everyt hing, because it s all writ t en t here.
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Get Going: When Im really scared or unsure, I need somet hing right away t o calm my cravings
for cert aint y. For me, t he Serenit y Prayer does t he t rick. God, grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the
difference. Amen!
How do you DIG Deep?
Some of my best childhood memories involve creat ivit y, and almost all of t hem are from t he
years t hat we lived in New Orleans, in a funky, pink st ucco duplex a couple of blocks from
Tulane Universit y. I remember my mom and me spending hours paint ing wooden key chains
shaped like t urt les and snails, and making craft s out of sequins and felt wit h my friends.
I can vividly see my mom and her friends in t heir bell-bot t oms coming home from t he market
in t he French Quart er and making st uffed mirlit ons and ot her delicious dishes. I was so
fascinat ed wit h helping her in t he kit chen t hat one Sunday aft ernoon she and my dad let me
cook alone. They said I could make anyt hing I want ed wit h any ingredient t hat I want ed. I made
oat meal-raisin cookies. Wit h crawfish boil spices inst ead of cinnamon. The ent ire house st ank
for days.
My mom also loved t o sew. She made mat ching shift dresses t hat she and I wore (along wit h
my doll, who also had her own t iny mat ching dress). It s so st range t o me t hat all of t hese
memories t hat involve creat ing are so real and t ext ured t o meI can almost feel t hem and
smell t hem. They also hold so much t ender meaning.
Sadly, my memories of creat ing end around age eight or nine. In fact , I dont have a single
creat ivit y memory aft er about fift h grade. That was t he same t ime t hat we moved from our t iny
house in t he Garden Dist rict t o a big house in a sprawling Houst on suburb. Everyt hing seemed
t o change. In New Orleans, every wall in our house was covered wit h art done by my mom or a
relat ive or us kids, and homemade curt ains hung over every window. The art and curt ains may
have been out of necessit y, but I remember it being beaut iful.
In Houst on, I remember walking int o some of my new neighbors houses and t hinking t hat
t heir living rooms looked like t he lobby of a fancy hot elI vividly remember t hinking at t he t ime,
like a Howard Johnson or a Holiday Inn. There were long heavy drapes, big sofas wit h
mat ching chairs, and shiny glass t ables. There were plast ic plant s wit h hanging vines
st rat egically sit t ing on t op of armoires, and dried flowers in basket s decorat ing t he t ops of
t ables. St rangely, everyones lobby kinda looked t he same.
While t he houses were all t he same and fancy, t he school was a different st ory. In New
Orleans, I went t o a Cat holic school and everyone looked t he same, prayed t he same, and, for
t he most part , act ed t he same. In Houst on I st art ed public school, which meant no more
uniforms. In t his new school, cut e clot hes count ed. And not homemade cut e clot hes, but
clot hes from t he mall.
In New Orleans, my dad worked during t he day and was a law st udent at Loyola at night .
There was always an informal and fun feel t o our lives t here. Once we got t o Houst on, he
dressed up every morning and commut ed t o an oil and gas corporat ion along wit h every ot her
fat her in our neighborhood. Things changed, and in many ways t hat move felt like a
fundament al shift for our family. My parent s were launched on t he accomplishment s-and-
acquisit ions t rack, and creat ivit y gave way t o t hat st ifling combinat ion of fit t ing in and being
bet t er t han, also known as comparison.
Comparison is all about conformit y and compet it ion. At first it seems like conforming and
compet ing are mut ually exclusive, but t heyre not . When we compare, we want t o see who or
what is best out of a specific collect ion of alike t hings. We may compare t hings like how we
parent wit h parent s who have t ot ally different values or t radit ions t han us, but t he
comparisons t hat get us really riled up are t he ones we make wit h t he folks living next door, or
on our childs soccer t eam, or at our school. We dont compare our houses t o t he mansions
across t own; we compare our yard t o t he yards on our block. When we compare, we want t o be
t he best or have t he best of our group.
The comparison mandat e becomes t his crushing paradox of fit in and st and out ! It s not
cult ivat e self-accept ance, belonging, and aut hent icit y; it s be just like everyone else, but bet t er.
It s easy t o see how difficult it is t o make t ime for t he import ant t hings such as creat ivit y,
grat it ude, joy, and aut hent icit y when were spending enormous amount s of energy conforming
and compet ing. Now I underst and why my dear friend Laura Williams always says, Comparison
is t he t hief of happiness. I cant t ell you how many t imes Im feeling so good about myself and
my life and my family, and t hen in a split second it s gone because I consciously or
unconsciously st art comparing myself t o ot her people.
As far as my own st ory, t he older I got , t he less value I put on creat ivit y and t he less t ime I
spent creat ing. When people asked me about craft ing or art or creat ing, I relied on t he
st andard, Im not t he creat ive t ype. On t he inside I was really t hinking, Who has time for
painting and scrapbooking and photography when the real work of achieving and
accomplishing needs to be done?
By t he t ime I was fort y and working on t his research, my lack of int erest in creat ivit y had
t urned int o disdain. Im not sure if I would cat egorize my feelings about creat ivit y as negat ive
st ereot ypes, shame t riggers, or some combinat ion of t he t wo, but it came t o t he point where I
t hought of creat ing for t he sake of creat ing as self-indulgent at best and flaky at worst .
Of course I know, professionally, t hat t he more ent renched and react ive we are about an
issue, t he more we need t o invest igat e our responses. As I look back wit h new eyes, I t hink
t apping int o how much I missed t hat part of my life would have been t oo confusing or painful.
I never t hought Id come across somet hing fierce enough t o shake me loose from my
ent renched beliefs about creat ivit y. Then t his research came along
Let me sum up what Ive learned about creat ivit y from t he world of Wholeheart ed living and
loving:
1. Im not very creat ive doesnt work. Theres no such t hing as creat ive people and non-
creat ive people. There are only people who use t heir creat ivit y and people who dont .
Unused creat ivit y doesnt just disappear. It lives wit hin us unt il it s expressed, neglect ed
t o deat h, or suffocat ed by resent ment and fear.
2. The only unique cont ribut ion t hat we will ever make in t his world will be born of our
creat ivit y.
3. If we want t o make meaning, we need t o make art . Cook, writ e, draw, doodle, paint ,
scrapbook, t ake pict ures, collage, knit , rebuild an engine, sculpt , dance, decorat e, act , sing
it doesnt mat t er. As long as were creat ing, were cult ivat ing meaning.
Lit erally one mont h aft er I worked t hrough t he dat a on creat ivit y, I signed up for a gourd-
paint ing class. Im not even kidding. I went wit h my mom and Ellen, and it was one of t he best
days of my life.
For t he first t ime in decades, I st art ed creat ing. And I havent st opped. I even t ook up
phot ography. It might sound clich, but t he world doesnt even look t he same t o me anymore. I
see beaut y and pot ent ial everywherein my front yard, at a junk st ore, in an old magazine
everywhere.
It s been a very emot ional t ransit ion for me and for my family. Bot h of my kids love art , and
we do family project s t oget her all t he t ime. St eve and I are Mac addict s, and we love t o make
movies t oget her. Last mont h, Ellen t old us t hat she eit her want s t o be a chef or a life art ist
like my friend Ali Edwards, who inspires bot h of us. At t his point , Charlie loves t o paint and
would like t o own a booger st ore (which is bot h creat ive and ent repreneurial).
I also realized t hat much of what I do in my work is creat ive work. Writ er William Plomer
described creat ivit y as t he power t o connect t he seemingly unconnect ed. My work is all
about making connect ions, so part of my t ransformat ion was owning and celebrat ing my
exist ing creat ivit y.
Let t ing go of comparison is not a t o-do list it em. For most of us, it s somet hing t hat requires
const ant awareness. It s so easy t o t ake our eyes off our pat h t o check out what ot hers are
doing and if t heyre ahead or behind us. Creat ivit y, which is t he expression of our originalit y,
helps us st ay mindful t hat what we bring t o t he world is complet ely original and cannot be
compared. And, wit hout comparison, concept s like ahead or behind or best or worst lose t heir
meaning.
DIG Deep
Get Deliberat e: If creat ivit y is seen as a luxury or somet hing we do when we have spare t ime,
it will never be cult ivat ed. I carve out t ime every week t o t ake and process phot ographs, make
movies, and do art project s wit h t he kids. When I make creat ing a priorit y, everyt hing in my life
works bet t er.
Get Inspired: Not hing inspires me more t han my friendship wit h t he Lovebombers, a group of
art ist s, writ ers, and phot ographers whom I met online and spend a long weekend wit h every
year. I t hink it s so import ant t o find and be a part of a communit y of like-spirit ed people who
share your beliefs about creat ivit y.
Get Going: Take a class. Risk feeling vulnerable and new and imperfect and t ake a class.
There are wonderful online classes if you need more flexibilit y. Try somet hing t hat scares you
or somet hing youve dreamt about t rying. You never know where youll find your creat ive
inspirat ion.
How do you DIG Deep?
At t imes, when I was int erviewing people for my research, I felt like an alienlike a visit or t rying
t o figure out t he cust oms and habit s of people living lives t hat looked incredibly different from
mine. There were many awkward moment s when I st ruggled t o underst and what they, the
Wholehearted, were doing and why. Somet imes t he concept s were so foreign t o me t hat I
didnt have t he language t o name t hem. This was one of t hose t imes.
I remember t elling one of my colleagues, These Wholeheart ed people fool around a lot . She
laughed and asked, Fool around? How?
I shrugged, I dont know. They have fun and I dont know what you call it . They hang out
and do fun t hings.
She looked confused. Like what kind of fun t hings? Hobbies? Craft s? Sport s?
Yes, I replied. Kinda like t hat but not so organized. Im going t o have t o dig around some
more.
Now I look back on t hat conversat ion and t hink, How did I not know what I was seeing? Was
I so personally removed from t his concept t hat I couldnt recognize it ?
It s play! A crit ically import ant component of Wholeheart ed living is play!
I came t o t his realizat ion by wat ching my children and recognizing t he same playful
behaviors in t hem t hat were described by t he men and women I int erviewed. These folks play.
Researching t he concept of play got off t o a rocky st art . I learned t his very quickly: Do not
Google Adult play. I was closing pornography pop-ups so fast it was like playing Whac-A-
Mole.
Once I recovered from t hat search disast er, I was lucky enough t o find t he work of Dr. St uart
Brown. Dr. Brown is a psychiat rist , clinical researcher, and founder of t he Nat ional Inst it ut e for
Play. He is also t he aut hor of a wonderful book t it led, Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the
Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul.
1
Drawing on his own research, as well as t he lat est advances in biology, psychology, and
neurology, Brown explains t hat play shapes our brain, helps us fost er empat hy, helps us
navigat e complex social groups, and is at t he core of creat ivit y and innovat ion.
If youre wondering why play and rest are paired t oget her in t his guidepost , it s because aft er
reading t he research on play, I now underst and t hat play is as essent ial t o our healt h and
funct ioning as rest .
So, if youre like me, you want t o know, What exact ly is play? Brown proposes seven
propert ies of play, t he first of which is t hat play is apparent ly purposeless. Basically t his means
t hat we play for t he sake of play. We do it because it s fun and we want t o.
Well, t his is where my work as a shame researcher comes in. In t odays cult urewhere our
self-wort h is t ied t o our net wort h, and we base our wort hiness on our level of product ivit y
spending t ime doing purposeless act ivit ies is rare. In fact , for many of us it sounds like an
anxiet y at t ack wait ing t o happen.
Weve got so much t o do and so lit t le t ime t hat t he idea of spending t ime doing anyt hing
unrelat ed t o t he t o-do list act ually creat es st ress. We convince ourselves t hat playing is a
wast e of precious t ime. We even convince ourselves t hat sleep is a t errible use of our t ime.
Weve got t o get er done! It doesnt mat t er if our job is running a mult imillion-dollar company,
raising a family, creat ing art , or finishing school, weve got t o keep our noses t o t he grindst one
and work! Theres no t ime t o play around!
But Brown argues t hat play is not an opt ion. In fact he writ es, The opposit e of play is not
workt he opposit e of play is depression. He explains, Respect ing our biologically
programmed need for play can t ransform work. It can bring back excit ement and newness t o
our job. Play helps us deal wit h difficult ies, provides a sense of expansiveness, promot es
mast ery of our craft , and is an essent ial part of t he creat ive process. Most import ant , t rue play
t hat comes from our own inner needs and desires is t he only pat h t o finding last ing joy and
sat isfact ion in our work. In t he long run, work does not work wit hout play.
2
What s shocking is t he similarit y bet ween t he biological need for play and our bodys need for
rest , a t opic t hat also emerged as a major t heme in Wholeheart ed living. It seems t hat living
and loving wit h our whole heart s requires us t o respect our bodies need for renewal. When I
first researched t he ideas of rest , sleep, and sleep debtt he t erm for not get t ing enoughI
couldnt believe some of t he consequences of not get t ing proper rest .
According t o t he Cent ers for Disease Cont rol, insufficient sleep is associat ed wit h a number
of chronic diseases and condit ions, such as diabet es, heart disease, obesit y, and depression.
3
Were also learning t hat drowsy driving can be as dangerousand as prevent ableas driving
while int oxicat ed. Yet , somehow many of us st ill believe t hat exhaust ion is a st at us symbol of
hard work and t hat sleep is a luxury. The result is t hat we are so very t ired. Dangerously t ired.
The same gremlins t hat t ell us were t oo busy t o play and wast e t ime fooling around are t he
ones t hat whisper:
One more hour of work! You can cat ch up on your sleep t his weekend.
Napping is for slackers.
Push t hrough. You can handle it .
But t he t rut h is, we cant handle it . We are a nat ion of exhaust ed and overst ressed adult s
raising overscheduled children. We use our spare t ime t o desperat ely search for joy and
meaning in our lives. We t hink accomplishment s and acquisit ions will bring joy and meaning, but
t hat pursuit could be t he very t hing t hat s keeping us so t ired and afraid t o slow down.
If we want t o live a Wholeheart ed life, we have t o become int ent ional about cult ivat ing sleep
and play, and about let t ing go of exhaust ion as a st at us symbol and product ivit y as self-wort h.
Making t he choice t o rest and play is, at best , count ercult ure. The decision t o let go of
exhaust ion and product ivit y as badges of honor made t ot al sense t o St eve and me, but
put t ing Wholeheart edness int o pract ice has been a st ruggle for our ent ire family.
St eve and I sat down in 2008 and made a pract ical list of t he t hings t hat make our family
work. We basically answered t he quest ion, When t hings are going really well in our family,
what does it look like? The answers included sleep, working out , healt hy food, cooking, t ime
off, weekends away, going t o church, being present wit h t he kids, a sense of cont rol over our
money, meaningful work t hat doesnt consume us, t ime t o piddle, t ime wit h family and close
friends, and t ime t o just hang out . These were (and are) our ingredient s for joy and meaning.
Then we looked at t he dream list t hat we st art ed making a couple of years ago (and keep
adding t o). Everyt hing on t his list was an accomplishment or an acquisit iona house wit h
more bedrooms, a t rip here, personal salary goals, professional endeavors, and so fort h.
Everyt hing required t hat we make more money and spend more money.
When we compared our dream list t o our joy and meaning list , we realized t hat by merely
let t ing go of t he list of t hings we want t o accomplish and acquire, we would be act ually living
our dreamnot st riving t o make it happen in t he fut ure, but living it right now. The t hings we
were working t oward did not hing in t erms of making our life fuller.
Embracing our joy and meaning list has not been easy. There are days when it makes
perfect sense, and t hen t here are days when I get sucked int o believing how much bet t er
everyt hing would feel if we just had a really great guest room or a bet t er kit chen, or if I got t o
speak here or writ e an art icle for t hat popular magazine.
Even Ellen has had t o make some changes. Last year, we t old her t hat we were going t o limit
her ext racurricular act ivit ies and t hat she would have t o make choices bet ween mult iple sport s
and Girl Scout s and aft er-school act ivit ies. At first t here was some resist ance. She point ed out
t hat she did fewer t hings t han most of her friends. This was t rue. She has many friends who
are in t wo or t hree sport s every semest er and t ake music lessons and language lessons and
art classes. These kids wake up at 6 a.m. and go t o bed at 10 p.m.
We explained t hat t he cut t ing down was part of a larger family plan. I had decided t o go
part -t ime at t he universit y, and her dad was going t o a four-day workweek. She looked at us as
if she were bracing for bad news. She asked, Is anyt hing wrong?
We explained t hat we want ed more downt ime. More t ime t o hang out and t ake it easy. Aft er
we swore t hat we werent sick, she got excit ed and asked, Are we making t ime for more TV?
I explained, No. Just more family play t ime. Your dad and I love our work, but it can be very
demanding. I t ravel and have writ ing deadlines; your dad has t o be on call. You also work hard
at your schoolwork. We want t o make sure t hat we schedule in downt ime for all of us.
While t his experience may sound great , it was t errifying for me as a parent . What if Im
wrong? What if busy and exhaust ed is what it t akes? What if she doesnt get t o go t o t he
college of her choice because she doesnt play t he violin and speak Mandarin and French and
she doesnt play six sport s?
What if were normal and quiet and happy? Does t hat count ?
I guess t he answer t o t his is only yes if it count s t o us. If what mat t ers t o us is what were
concerned about , t hen play and rest is import ant . If what mat t ers t o us is what ot her people
t hink or say or value, t hen it s back t o exhaust ion and producing for self-wort h.
Today, I choose play and rest .
DIG Deep
Get Deliberat e: One of t he best t hings t hat weve ever done in our family is making t he
ingredient s for joy and meaning list . I encourage you t o sit down and make a list of t he
specific condit ions t hat are in place when everyt hing feels good in your life. Then check t hat
list against your t o-do list and your t o-accomplish list . It might surprise you.
Get Inspired: Im cont inually inspired by St uart Browns work on play and Daniel Pinks book
A Whole New Mind.
4
If you want t o learn more about t he import ance of play and rest , read
t hese books.
Get Going: Say no t oday. Buck t he syst em. Take somet hing off your list and add t ake a
nap.
How do you DIG Deep?
Aft er t his research first emerged, remember t hat I made a beeline for my t herapist s office. I
knew my life was out of balance, and I want ed more of what I was learning about in my st udy. I
also want ed t o figure out why I was having dizzy spells whenever I got really anxious and
st ressed out . I would act ually get light headed, and t he room would st art t o spin. A couple of
t imes, I lit erally fell over.
The dizziness was new; t he anxiet y was not . Before I st art ed learning about Wholeheart ed
living, I had always been able t o manage t he compet ing priorit ies, t he family demands, and t he
unrelent ing pressure of academic life. In many ways, anxiet y was a const ant in my life.
But as I st art ed developing an awareness about Wholeheart ed living, it s as if my body said,
Im going t o help you embrace t his new way of living by making it very difficult for you t o ignore
anxiet y. If I became t oo anxiet y ridden, Id lit erally have t o sit down or risk falling.
I remember t elling Diana, my t herapist , I cant funct ion t his way any longer. I really cant .
She replied, I know. I see t hat . What do you t hink you need?
I t hought about it for a second and said, I need a way t o st ay on my feet when Im really
anxious.
She just sat t here nodding her head and wait ing, like t herapist s do. Wait ing and wait ing and
wait ing.
Finally, it dawned on me. Oh. I get it . I cant funct ion this way. I cant funct ion in t his much
anxiet y anymore. I dont need t o figure out a way t o keep going wit h t his level of anxiet yI
need t o figure out how t o be less anxious.
That silence t hing can be effect ive. It s a pain in t he ass, but nonet heless effect ive.
I used my research t o formulat e a plan t o lessen my anxiet y. The men and women I
int erviewed werent anxiet y-free or even anxiet y-averse; t hey were anxiet y-aware. They were
commit t ed t o a way of living where anxiet y was a realit y but not a lifest yle. They did t his by
cult ivat ing calm and st illness in t heir lives and making t hese pract ices t he norm.
Calm and st illness may sound like t he same t hings, but I learned t hat t hey are different and
t hat we need bot h.
Calm
I define calm as creating perspective and mindfulness while managing emotional reactivity.
When I t hink about calm people, I t hink about people who can bring perspect ive t o complicat ed
sit uat ions and feel t heir feelings wit hout react ing t o height ened emot ions like fear and anger.
When I was pregnant wit h Ellen, someone gave me a small book called Baby Love: A
Tradition of Calm Parenting by Maud Bryt .
1
Bryt s mot her, grandmot her, and great -
grandmot her were midwives in Holland and t he book draws on t heir wisdom. I can st ill see
myself sit t ing in my brand-new glider wit h one hand rest ing on my very pregnant belly and t he
ot her hand holding t hat book. I remember t hinking, This is my goal. I want to be a calm parent.
Surprisingly, I am a pret t y calm parent . Not because it comes nat urally t o me, but because I
pract ice. A lot . I also have an incredible role model in my husband, St eve. By wat ching him, Ive
learned about t he value of bringing perspect ive and quiet t o difficult sit uat ions.
I t ry t o be slow t o respond and quick t o t hink Do we even have all the information we need to
make a decision or form a response? I also st ay very mindful about t he effect t hat calm has on
an anxious person or sit uat ion. A panicked response produces more panic and more fear. As
psychologist and writ er Harriet Lerner says, Anxiet y is ext remely cont agious, but so is calm.
2
The quest ion becomes, Do we want to infect people with more anxiety, or heal ourselves and
the people around us with calm?
If we choose t o heal wit h calm, we have t o commit t o pract icing calm. Small t hings mat t er.
For example, before we respond we can count t o t en or give ourselves permission t o say, Im
not sure. I need t o t hink about t his some more. It s also ext remely effect ive t o ident ify t he
emot ions t hat are t he most likely t o spark your react ivit y and t hen pract ice non-react ive
responses.
A couple of years ago t here was t his powerful public service announcement t hat showed a
couple screaming at each ot her and slamming t he door in each ot hers faces. They were
shout ing t hings like, I hat e you! and Mind your own business! and I dont want t o t alk t o
you. As you wat ched it , you had no idea what or why t hey kept saying t hese t hings, slamming
t he door, and t hen st art ing over. Aft er about t went y seconds of t he slamming and yelling, t he
couple held hands and walked away from screen. One of t hem says t o t he ot her, I t hink were
ready. The commercial t hen cut t o t he announcer, who said somet hing like, Talk t o your kids
about drugs. It s not easy, but it could save t heir lives.
The commercial is a great example of pract icing calm. Unless we had calm modeled by our
parent s and grew up pract icing it , it s unlikely t hat it will be our default response t o anxious or
emot ionally volat ile sit uat ions.
For me, breat hing is t he best place t o st art . Just t aking a breat h before I respond slows me
down and immediat ely st art s spreading calm. Somet imes I act ually t hink t o myself, Im dying to
freak out here! Do I have enough information to freak out? Will freaking out help? The answer is
always no.
St illness
The concept of st illness is less complicat ed t han t he concept of calm but , for me at least , way
more difficult t o put int o pract ice.
I wish I could t ell you how much I resist ed even hearing people describe st illness as an
int egral part of t heir Wholeheart ed journey. From medit at ion and prayer t o regular periods of
quiet reflect ion and alone t ime, men and women spoke about t he necessit y of quiet ing t heir
bodies and minds as a way t o feel less anxious and overwhelmed.
Im sure my resist ance t o t his idea comes from t he fact t hat just t hinking about medit at ing
makes me anxious. When I t ry t o medit at e, I feel like a t ot al poser. I spend t he ent ire t ime
t hinking about how I need t o st op t hinking, Okay, Im not thinking about anything. Im not
thinking about anything. Milk, diapers, laundry detergent stop! Okay, not thinking. Not
thinking. Oh, man. Is this over yet?
I dont want t o admit it , but t he t rut h is t hat st illness used t o be very anxiet y provoking for
me. In my mind, being st ill was narrowly defined as sit t ing cross-legged on t he floor and
focusing on t hat elusive not hingness. As I collect ed and analyzed more st ories, I realized t hat
my init ial t hinking was wrong. Heres t he definit ion of stillness t hat emerged from t he dat a:
Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; its about creating a clearing. Its opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question.
Once we can let go of our assumpt ions about what st illness is supposed t o look like and find
a way t o creat e a clearing t hat works for us, we st and a bet t er chance of opening ourselves up
and confront ing t he next barrier t o st illness: fear. And it can be big, big fear.
If we st op long enough t o creat e a quiet emot ional clearing, t he t rut h of our lives will
invariably cat ch up wit h us. We convince ourselves t hat if we st ay busy enough and keep
moving, realit y wont be able t o keep up. So we st ay in front of t he t rut h about how t ired and
scared and confused and overwhelmed we somet imes feel. Of course, t he irony is t hat t he
t hing t hat s wearing us down is t rying t o st ay out in front of feeling worn down. This is t he self-
perpet uat ing qualit y of anxiet y. It feeds on it self. I oft en say t hat when t hey st art having
Twelve St ep meet ings for busy-aholics, t heyll need t o rent out foot ball st adiums.
In addit ion t o fear, anot her barrier t hat get s in t he way of bot h st illness and calm is how
were raised t o t hink about t hese pract ices. From very early in our lives, we get confusing
messages about t he value of calm and st illness. Parent s and t eachers scream, Calm down!
and Sit st ill! rat her t han act ually modeling t he behaviors t hey want t o see. So inst ead of
becoming pract ices t hat we want t o cult ivat e, calm gives way t o perpet uat ing anxiet y, and t he
idea of st illness makes us feel jumpy.
In our increasingly complicat ed and anxious world, we need more t ime t o do less and be less.
When we first st art cult ivat ing calm and st illness in our lives, it can be difficult , especially when
we realize how st ress and anxiet y define so much of our daily lives. But as our pract ices
become st ronger, anxiet y loses it s hold and we gain clarit y about what were doing, where
were going, and what holds t rue meaning for us.
DIG Deep
Get Deliberat e: My anxiet y det ox included more calm and more st illness, but it also included
more exercise and less caffeine. I know so many people who t ake somet hing at night t o help
t hem sleep and drink caffeine all day t o st ay awake. Calm and st illness are pot ent medicine for
general sleeplessness and a lack of energy. Increasing my daily int ake of calm and st illness
along wit h walking and swimming and cut t ing caffeine has done wonders for my life.
Get Inspired: I remain inspired and t ransformed by somet hing I learned from Harriet Lerners
book The Dance of Connection.
3
Dr. Lerner explains t hat we all have pat t erned ways of
managing anxiet y. Some of us respond t o anxiet y by overfunct ioning and ot hers by
underfunct ioning. Overfunct ioners t end t o move quickly t o advise, rescue, t ake over,
micromanage, and get in ot her peoples business rat her t han look inward. Underfunct ioners
t end t o get less compet ent under st ress. They invit e ot hers t o t ake over and oft en become
t he focus of family gossip, worry, or concern. They can get labeled as t he irresponsible one or
t he t he problem child or t he fragile one. Dr. Lerner explains t hat seeing t hese behaviors as
pat t erned responses t o anxiet y, rat her t han t rut hs about who we are, can help us underst and
t hat we can change. Overfunct ioners, like me, can become more willing t o embrace our
vulnerabilit ies in t he face of anxiet y, and underfunct ioners can work t o amplify t heir st rengt hs
and compet encies.
Get Going: Experiment wit h different forms of st ill and quiet . We all need t o find somet hing
t hat works for us. To be honest , Im never more open and emot ionally clut t er-free t han when
Im walking alone out side. It s not t echnically st ill, but it s an emot ional opening for me.
How do you DIG Deep?
In t he chapt er on creat ivit y, I wrot e t hat a significant part of my work involves making
connect ions. In fact , t he heart of my work is finding and naming t he subt le and oft en unspoken
connect ions bet ween how we t hink, feel, and act . Somet imes t he connect ions are easy t o spot
and fall right int o place. Ot her t imes t hey are elusive, and t rying t o put t hings t oget her feels
messy and t angled. This guidepost st art ed out as one of t hose messy and t angled
experiences, but wit h t ime, I learned about some st riking connect ions.
Early in t his research, it was clear t o me t hat living a Wholeheart ed life included engaging in
what many people I int erviewed called meaningful work. Ot hers spoke of having a calling. And
some simply described feeling a t remendous sense of accomplishment and purpose from t heir
work. It all seemed pret t y st raight forward, except for t his pesky list of words t hat emerged as
being import ant and somehow connected t o t he quest for meaningful work:
gift s and t alent s
spirit ualit y
making a living
commit ment
supposed t os
self-doubt
I say pesky because it t ook me a long t ime t o figure out how t hey all worked t oget her. The
exhaust ed part of me want ed t o forget about t hese ext ra words, much like what St eve does
when he put s t oget her furnit ure from IKEA and t here are t welve unused screws when hes
done. I want ed t o st and back, give it a lit t le shake, and say, Good enough! These must be
ext ras.
But I couldnt . So I t ook apart t he idea of meaningful work, int erviewed more part icipant s,
found t he connect ions, and rebuilt t he guidepost . This is what emerged:
We all have gifts and talents. When we cult ivat e t hose gift s and share t hem wit h t he
world, we creat e a sense of meaning and purpose in our lives.
Squandering our gifts brings distress to our lives. As it t urns out , it s not merely benign or
t oo bad if we dont use t he gift s t hat weve been given; we pay for it wit h our emot ional
and physical well-being. When we dont use our t alent s t o cult ivat e meaningful work, we
st ruggle. We feel disconnect ed and weighed down by feelings of empt iness, frust rat ion,
resent ment , shame, disappoint ment , fear, and even grief.
Most of us who are searching for spirit ual connect ion spend t oo much t ime looking up at
t he sky and wondering why God lives so far away. God lives wit hin us, not above us.
Sharing our gifts and talents with the world is the most powerful source of connection with
God.
Using our gifts and talents to create meaningful work takes a tremendous amount of
commitment, because in many cases t he meaningful work is not what pays t he bills.
Some folks have managed t o align everyt hingt hey use t heir gift s and t alent s t o do
work t hat feeds t heir souls and t heir families; however, most people piece it t oget her.
No one can define what s meaningful for us. Cult ure doesnt get t o dict at e if it s working
out side t he home, raising children, lawyering, t eaching, or paint ing. Like our gifts and
talents, meaning is unique to each one of us.
Self-Doubt and Supposed To
The gaunt let of gremlins can get in t he way of cult ivat ing meaningful work. They st art by
t aunt ing us about our gift s and t alent s:
Maybe everyone has special gift s except for you. Maybe t hat s why you havent found
t hem yet .
Yes, you do t hat well, but t hat s not really a gift . It s not big enough or import ant enough
t o be a real t alent .
Self-doubt undermines t he process of finding our gift s and sharing t hem wit h t he world.
Moreover, if developing and sharing our gift s is how we honor spirit and connect wit h God, self-
doubt is let t ing our fear undermine our fait h.
The gremlins get lot s of mileage out of supposed t ot he bat t le cry of fit t ing in,
perfect ionism, people-pleasing, and proving ourselves:
Youre supposed t o care about making money, not meaning.
Youre supposed t o grow up and be a ____________. Everyones count ing on it .
Youre supposed t o hat e your work; t hat s t he definit ion of work.
If youre brave, youre supposed t o quit your job and follow your bliss. Dont worry about
money!
Youre supposed t o choose: Work you love or work t hat support s t he people you love.
To overcome self-doubt and supposed t o, we have t o st art owning t he messages. What
makes us afraid? What s on our supposed t o list ? Who says? Why?
Gremlins are like t oddlers. If you ignore t hem, t hey get louder. It s usually best t o just
acknowledge t he messages. Writ e t hem down. I know it seems count erint uit ive, but writ ing
t hem down and owning t he gremlins messages doesnt give t he messages more power; it
gives us more power. It gives us t he opport unit y t o say, I get it . I see t hat Im afraid of t his, but
Im going t o do it anyway.
Nice t o Meet You. What Do You Do?
In addit ion t o t he gremlins, anot her t hing t hat get s in t he way of meaningful work is t he
st ruggle t o define who we are and what we do in an honest way. In a world t hat values t he
primacy of work, t he most common quest ion t hat we ask and get asked is, What do you do? I
used t o wince every t ime someone asked me t his quest ion. I felt like my choices were t o
reduce myself t o an easily digest ible sound bit e or t o confuse t he hell out of people.
Now my answer t o What do you do? is, How much t ime do you have?
Most of us have complicat ed answers t o t his quest ion. For example, Im a mom, part ner,
researcher, writ er, st oryt eller, sist er, friend, daught er, and t eacher. All of t hese t hings make up
who I am, so I never know how t o answer t hat quest ion. And, t o be honest wit h you, Im t ired of
choosing t o make it easier on t he person who asked.
In 2009, I met Marci Alboher, an aut hor/speaker/coach. If youre wondering what s up wit h t he
slashes, I t hink t heyre very appropriat e as Marci is t he aut hor of One Person/Multiple Careers:
A New Model for Work/Life Success.
1
Alboher int erviewed hundreds of people pursuing mult iple careers simult aneously and
discovered how slash careersresearcher/st oryt eller, art ist /real est at e agent int egrat e and
fully express t he mult iple passions, t alent s, and int erest s t hat a single career cannot
accommodat e. Marcis book is full of st ories about people who have creat ed meaningful work
by refusing t o be defined by a single career. Examples include a longshoreman/document ary
filmmaker, a management consult ant / cart oonist , a lawyer/chef, a rabbi/st and-up comic, a
surgeon/playwright , an invest ment manager/rapper, and a t herapist /violin maker.
I want ed t o share t he idea of t he slash effect wit h you because in t he blogging, art , and
writ ing world, I meet so many people who are afraid t o claim t heir work. For example, I recent ly
met a woman at a social media conference who is an account ant /jeweler. I was excit ed t o
meet her, because I had bought a beaut iful pair of earrings from her online. When I asked her
how long she had been a jeweler, she blushed and said, I wish. Im a CPA. Im not a real
jeweler.
I t hought t o myself, Im wearing your earrings right now, not your abacus. When I point ed t o
my ears and said, Of course youre a jewelry maker! she just smiled and replied, I dont make
very much money doing t hat . I just do it because I love it . As ludicrous as t hat sounded t o me, I
get it . I hat e calling myself a writ er because it doesnt feel legit imat e t o me. Im not writ er
enough. Overcoming self-doubt is all about believing were enough and let t ing go of what t he
world says were supposed t o be and supposed t o call ourselves.
Every semest er I share t his quot e by t heologian Howard Thurman wit h my graduat e
st udent s. It s always been one of my favorit es, but now t hat Ive st udied t he import ance of
meaningful work, it s t aken on new significance: Dont ask what t he world needs. Ask what
makes you come alive, and go do it . Because what t he world needs is people who have come
alive.
DIG Deep
Get Deliberat e: It can t ake some t ime t o figure out how t o get deliberat e about doing
meaningful work. I finally got very specific and wrot e down my own crit eria for meaningful.
Right now, just for me, I want my work t o be inspiring, cont emplat ive, and creat ive. Im using
t hese as a filt er t o make decisions about what I do/what I commit t o/how I spend my t ime.
Get Inspired: I highly recommend Marci Albohers One Person/ Multiple Careers. It includes
lot s of pract ical st rat egies for living t he slash. Malcom Gladwell is also a const ant source of
inspirat ion for me. In his book Outliers, Gladwell proposes t hat t here are t hree crit eria for
meaningful workcomplexit y, aut onomy, and a relat ionship bet ween effort and rewardand
t hat t hese can oft en be found in creat ive work.
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These crit eria absolut ely fit wit h what
cult ivat ing meaningful work means in t he cont ext of t he Wholeheart ed journey. Last , I t hink
everyone should read Paulo Coelhos The Alchemist
3
I t ry t o read it at least once a year. It s a
powerful way of seeing t he connect ions bet ween our gift s, our spirit ualit y, and our work
(slashed or not ) and how t hey come t oget her t o creat e meaning in our lives.
Get Going: Make a list of t he work t hat inspires you. Dont be pract ical. Dont t hink about
making a living; t hink about doing somet hing you love. Theres not hing t hat says you have t o
quit your day job t o cult ivat e meaningful work. Theres also not hing t hat says your day job isnt
meaningful workmaybe youve just never t hought of it t hat way. What s your ideal slash?
What do you want t o be when you grow up? What brings meaning t o you?
How do you DIG Deep?
Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like youve never been hurt and live like its heaven on Earth.
MARK TWAI N
Throughout human hist ory, weve relied on laught er, song, and dance t o express ourselves, t o
communicat e our st ories and emot ions, t o celebrat e and mourn, and t o nurt ure communit y.
While most people would t ell you t hat a life wit hout laught er, music, and dance would be
unbearable, it s easy t o t ake t hese experiences for grant ed.
Laught er, song, and dance are so woven int o t he fabric of our everyday life t hat we can
forget how much we value t he people who can make us laugh, t he songs t hat inspire us t o roll
down t he car window and sing at t he t op of our lungs, and t he t ot al freedom we feel when we
dance like no one is wat ching.
In her book Dancing in the Streets: A History of Collective Joy, social crit ic Barbara
Ehrenreich draws on hist ory and ant hropology t o document t he import ance of engaging in
what she refers t o as collect ive ecst asy. Ehrenreich concludes t hat we are innat ely social
beings, impelled almost inst inct ively t o share our joy.
1
I absolut ely believe she is right . I also
love t he idea of collect ive ecst asyespecially now, when we seem t o be st uck in a st at e of
collect ive fear and anxiet y.
As I sift ed t hrough my dat a, I asked myself t wo quest ions:
1. Why are laught er, song, and dance so import ant t o us?
2. Is t here some t ransformat ional element t hat t hey have in common?
These were complicat ed quest ions t o answer because, yes, we yearn t o laugh and sing and
dance when we feel joy, but we also t urn t o t hese forms of expression when we feel lonely,
sad, excit ed, in love, heart broken, afraid, ashamed, confident , cert ain, doubt ful, brave, grief, and
ecst asy (just t o name a few). Im convinced t hat t heres a song, a dance, and a pat h t o
laught er for every human emot ion.
Aft er a couple of years of analyzing my dat a, heres what I learned:
Laughter, song, and dance create emotional and spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: We are
not alone.
Ironically, I learned t he most about laught er during t he eight years t hat I was st udying
shame. Shame resilience requires laught er. In I Thought It Was Just Me, I refer t o t he kind of
laught er t hat helps us heal as knowing laughter. Laught er is a spirit ual form of communing;
wit hout words we can say t o one anot her, Im wit h you. I get it .
True laught er is not t he use of humor as self-deprecat ion or deflect ion; it s not t he kind of
painful laught er we somet imes hide behind. Knowing laught er embodies t he relief and
connect ion we experience when we realize t he power of sharing our st orieswere not
laughing at each ot her but with each ot her.
One of my favorit e definit ions of laught er comes from writ er Anne Lamot t , whom I once
heard say, Laught er is a bubbly, effervescent form of holiness. Amen!
Song
From t he eight -t rack t apes my parent s played in our st at ion wagon t o my st ack of vinyl records
from t he 1970s t o my mix-t apes from t he 80s and 90s t o t he iTunes playlist s on my new
comput er, my life has a soundt rack. And t he songs from t hat soundt rack can st ir memories and
provoke emot ion in me like not hing else.
I realize t hat not everyone shares t he same passion for music, but t he one t hing t hat is
universal about song is it s abilit y t o move us emot ionallysomet imes in ways we dont even
t hink about . For example, I was recent ly wat ching t he direct ors cut of a movie. It showed a very
dramat ic scene from t he film wit h music and t hen wit hout music. I couldnt believe t he
difference.
The first t ime I wat ched t he film, I didnt even not ice t hat music was playing. I was just on t he
edge of my seat wait ing and hoping t hat t hings would t urn out t he way I want ed t hem t o.
When I wat ched it wit hout music, t he scene was flat . There wasnt t he same level of
ant icipat ion. Wit hout music it felt fact ual, not emot ional.
Whet her it s a hymn at church, t he nat ional ant hem, a college fight song, a song on t he radio,
or t he carefully scored soundt rack t o a movie, music reaches out and offers us connect ion
somet hing we really cant live wit hout .
Dancing
I measure t he spirit ual healt h of our family by how much dancing is happening in our kit chen.
Seriously. Charlies favorit e dance song is Kung Fu Fight ing and Ellen likes Vanilla Ices Ice Ice
Baby! Were music and dance lovers, not snobs. Were not above kicking it old-school wit h
The Twist or The Macarena. We dont have a big kit chen so when t he four of us are in
t here, sock-foot ed and sliding around, it looks more like a mosh pit t han a sock hop. It s messy,
but it s always fun.
It didnt t ake me long t o learn t hat dance is a t ough issue for many people. Laughing
hyst erically can make us feel a lit t le out of cont rol, and singing out loud can make some of us
feel self-conscious. But for many of us, t here is no form of self-expression t hat makes us feel
more vulnerable t han dancing. It s lit erally full-body vulnerabilit y. The only ot her full-body
vulnerabilit y t hat I can t hink of is being naked, and I dont have t o t ell you how vulnerable t hat
makes most of us feel.
For many people, risking t hat kind of public vulnerabilit y is t oo difficult , so t hey dance at
home or only in front of people t hey care about . For ot hers, t he vulnerabilit y is so crushing t hat
t hey dont dance at all. One woman t old me, Somet imes if Im wat ching TV and people are
dancing or t heres a good song playing, I t ap my feet wit hout even not icing it . When I finally
cat ch myself, I feel embarrassed. I have no rhyt hm.
Theres no quest ion t hat some people are more musically inclined or coordinat ed t han
ot hers, but Im st art ing t o believe t hat dance is in our DNA. Not super-hip and cool dancing, or
line dancing, or Dancing with the Stars dancingbut a st rong pull t oward rhyt hm and
movement . You can see t his desire t o move in children. Until we t each our children t hat t hey
need t o be concerned wit h how t hey look and wit h what ot her people t hink, t hey dance. They
even dance naked. Not always gracefully or wit h t he beat , but always wit h joy and pleasure.
Writ er Mary Jo Put ney says, What one loves in childhood st ays in t he heart forever. If t his is
t rue, and I believe it is, t hen dance st ays in our heart , even when our head becomes overly
concerned wit h what people might t hink.
Bei ng Co o l and Al ways i n Co ntro l
The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when youre uncool.
A QUOTE FROM THE FI LM ALMOST FAMOUS, 2000
A good belly laugh, singing at t he t op of your lungs, and dancing like no one is looking are
unquest ionably good for t he soul. But as I ment ioned, t hey are also exercises in vulnerabilit y.
There are many shame t riggers around t he vulnerabilit y of laughing, song, and dance. The list
includes t he fear of being perceived as awkward, goofy, silly, spast ic, uncool, out of cont rol,
immat ure, st upid, and foolish. For most of us, t his is a pret t y scary list . The gremlins are
const ant ly t here t o make sure t hat self-expression t akes a backseat t o self-prot ect ion and
self-consciousness.
1. What will people t hink?
2. Everyone is wat chingcalm down!
3. You look ridiculous! Get a hold of yourself.
Women spoke about t he dangers of being perceived as get t ing t oo loud or out of hand. I
cant t ell you how many women t old me about t he painful experience of t hrowing caut ion t o
t he wind, only t o be pat ronizingly t old, Whoa set t le down.
Men were quick t o point out t he dangers of being perceived as out of cont rol. One man
t old me, Women say we should let loose and have fun. How at t ract ive will t hey t hink we are if
we get out on t he dance floor and look like assholes in front of ot her guysor worseyour
girlfriends friends. It s easier t o just hang back and act like youre not int erest ed in dancing.
Even if you really want t o.
There are many ways in which men and women hust le for wort hiness around t hese issues,
but t he t wo t hat keep us t he most quiet and st ill are hust ling t o be perceived as cool and in
cont rol. Want ing t o be perceived as cool isnt about want ing t o be The Fonzit s about
minimizing vulnerabilit y in order t o reduce t he risk of being ridiculed or made fun of.
We hust le for our wort hiness by slipping on t he emot ional and behavioral st rait jacket of cool
and post uring as t he t ragically hip and t he t erminally bet t er t han. Being in cont rol isnt
always about t he desire t o manipulat e sit uat ions, but oft en it s about t he need t o manage
percept ion. We want t o be able t o cont rol what ot her people t hink about us so t hat we can
feel good enough.
I grew up in a family where being cool and fit t ing in were highly valued. As an adult , I have t o
const ant ly work at allowing myself t o be vulnerable and aut hent ic around some of t hese
issues. I could laugh and sing and dance as an adult , as long as I st ayed clear of silly, goofy, and
awkward. For years, t hese were major shame t riggers for me.
During my 2007 Breakdown Spirit ual Awakening, I learned how much Ive missed while
pret ending t o be cool. I realized t hat one of t he reasons Im afraid t o t ry new t hings (like yoga
or t he hip-hop exercise class at my gym) is my fear of being perceived as goofy and awkward.
Ive spent a lot of t ime and energy working on t his. It s a slow process. Im st ill only supersilly
and goofy around people I t rust , but I t hink t hat s okay. Im also working hard not t o pass t his
down t o my kids. It s easy t o do when were not mindful of t he gremlins and shame t riggers.
Heres proof:
Last year, I had t o run t o Nordst rom t o pick up some make-up. I was in one of t hose not hing
fit s and I feel like Jabba t he Hut t moods, so I put on my baggiest sweat s, pulled my dirt y hair
back wit h a headband, and t old Ellen, Were just running in and running out .
On t he way t o t he mall, Ellen reminded me t hat t he shoes her grandmot her had bought her
were in t he back of t he car and asked if we could exchange t hem for a bigger size while we
were at t he st ore. Aft er I bought my makeup, we went upst airs t o t he kids shoe depart ment .
As soon as we cleared t he t op of t he escalat or, I saw a t rio of gorgeous women st anding in t he
shoe depart ment . They were t ossing t heir long (clean) hair over t heir narrow, square shoulders
as t hey perched on t heir high-heeled, point ed-t oe boot s, and wat ched t heir equally beaut iful
daught ers t ry on sneakers.
As I t ried t o avoid crumbling and comparing by focusing on t he display shoes, I saw a st range
blur of jerky movement out of t he corner of my eye. It was Ellen. A pop song was playing in t he
neighboring childrens depart ment , and Ellen, my t ot ally confident eight -year-old, was dancing.
Or, t o be more specific, she was doing t he robot .
At t he very moment t hat Ellen looked up and saw me wat ching her, I saw t he magnificent
moms and t heir mat ching daught ers st aring right at Ellen. The mot hers looked embarrassed
for her, and t he daught ers, who were a couple of years older t han Ellen, were visibly on t he
edge of doing or saying somet hing mean-spirit ed. Ellen froze. St ill bent over wit h her arms in
rigid format ion, she looked up at me wit h eyes t hat said, What do I do, Mom?
My default response in t his scenario is t o shoot a diminishing look at Ellen t hat says, Geez,
man. Dont be so uncool! Basically, my immediat e react ion would be t o save myself by
bet raying Ellen. Thank God I didnt . Some combinat ion of being immersed in t his work, having a
mot her inst inct t hat was louder t han my fear, and pure grace t old me, Choose Ellen! Be on her
side!
I glanced up at t he ot her mot hers and t hen looked at Ellen. I reached down int o my courage,
as far as I go, smiled, and said, You need t o add t he scarecrow t o your moves. I let my wrist
and hand dangle from my ext ended arm and pret ended t o bat my forearm around. Ellen smiled.
We st ood in t he middle of t he shoe depart ment and pract iced our moves unt il t he song was
over. Im not sure how t he onlookers responded t o our shoe depart ment Soul Train. I didnt
t ake my eyes off Ellen.
Betrayal is an import ant word wit h t his guidepost . When we value being cool and in cont rol
over grant ing ourselves t he freedom t o unleash t he passionat e, goofy, heart felt , and soulful
expressions of who we are, we bet ray ourselves. When we consist ent ly bet ray ourselves, we
can expect t o do t he same t o t he people we love.
When we dont give ourselves permission t o be free, we rarely t olerat e t hat freedom in
ot hers. We put t hem down, make fun of t hem, ridicule t heir behaviors, and somet imes shame
t hem. We can do t his int ent ionally or unconsciously. Eit her way t he message is, Geez, man.
Dont be so uncool.
The Hopi Indians have a saying, To wat ch us dance is t o hear our heart s speak. I know
how much courage it t akes t o let people hear our heart s speak, but life is way t oo precious t o
spend it pret ending like were super-cool and t ot ally in cont rol when we could be laughing,
singing, and dancing.
DIG Deep
Get Deliberat e: If we believe t hat laught er, song, and dance are essent ial t o our soul-care,
how do we make sure t hat we hold space for t hem in our lives? One t hing t hat weve st art ed
doing is t urning on music in t he kit chen while we do a family cleanup aft er supper. We dance
and sing, which in t urn, always leads t o a good laugh.
Get Inspired: I love making t hemed playlist sgroups of songs t hat I want t o list en t o when
Im feeling a cert ain way. I have everyt hing from a playlist called God on t he iPod, t o a Run
like you mean it list . My favorit e is my Aut hent ic Me list t he songs t hat make me feel most
like myself.
Get Going: Dare t o be goofy. Dance every day for five minut es. Make a CD of songs t o sing
along wit h in t he car. Wat ch t hat dumb YouTube video t hat makes you laugh every t ime!
How do you DIG Deep?
I t hink most of us have developed fairly sensit ive bullshit met ers when it comes t o reading
self-help books. I t hink t his is a good t hing. There are t oo many books t hat make promises
t hey cant keep or make change sound so much easier t han it is. The t rut h is t hat meaningful
change is a process. It can be uncomfort able and is oft en risky, especially when were t alking
about embracing our imperfect ions, cult ivat ing aut hent icit y, and looking t he world in t he eye
and saying, I am enough.
However afraid we are of change, t he quest ion t hat we must ult imat ely answer is t his:
Whats the greater risk? Letting go of what people think or letting go of how I feel, what I
believe, and who I am?
Wholeheart ed living is about engaging in our lives from a place of wort hiness. It s about
cult ivat ing t he courage, compassion, and connect ion t o wake up in t he morning and t hink, No
matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It s going t o bed at night
t hinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesnt change the
truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.
It makes sense t o me t hat t he gift s of imperfect ion are courage, compassion, and
connect ion, because when I t hink back t o my life before t his work, I remember oft en feeling
fearful, judgment al, and alonet he opposit e of t he gift s. I wondered, What if I cant keep all of
these balls in the air? Why isnt everyone else working harder and living up to my
expectations? What will people think if I fail or give up? When can I stop proving myself to
everyone?
For me, t he risk of losing myself felt far more dangerous t han t he risk of let t ing people see
t he real me. It s been close t o four years since t hat day in 2006, when my own research t urned
my life upside down. It s been t he best four years of my life, and I wouldnt change a t hing. The
Breakdown Spirit ual Awakening was t ough, but Im hardheaded. I guess t he universe needed a
way t o get my at t ent ion.
Despit e where t his book will be shelved in your local bookst ore, Im not at all sure t hat t his
work is about self-help. I t hink of it as an invit at ion t o join a Wholeheart ed revolut ion. A small,
quiet , grassroot s movement t hat st art s wit h each of us saying, My st ory mat t ers because I
mat t er. A movement where we can t ake t o t he st reet s wit h our messy, imperfect , wild,
st ret ch-marked, wonderful, heart breaking, grace-filled, and joyful lives. A movement fueled by
t he freedom t hat comes when we st op pret ending t hat everyt hing is okay when it isnt . A call
t hat rises up from our bellies when we find t he courage t o celebrat e t hose int ensely joyful
moment s even t hough weve convinced ourselves t hat savoring happiness is invit ing disast er.
Revolution might sound a lit t le dramat ic, but in t his world, choosing aut hent icit y and
wort hiness is an absolut e act of resist ance. Choosing t o live and love wit h our whole heart s is
an act of defiance. Youre going t o confuse, piss off, and t errify lot s of peopleincluding
yourself. One minut e youll pray t hat t he t ransformat ion st ops, and t he next minut e youll pray
t hat it never ends. Youll also wonder how you can feel so brave and so afraid at t he same
t ime. At least t hat s how I feel most of t he t ime brave, afraid, and very, very alive.
A couple of years ago, a young woman came up t o me aft er a speaking event and said, I hope
you wont t hink t his is weird or rude or somet hing, but you dont look like a researcher. She
didnt say anyt hing else; she just st ood t here wait ing and looking confused.
I smiled and asked, What do you mean?
She replied, You seem so normal.
I chuckled. Well, looks can be deceiving. Im so not normal.
We ended up having a great conversat ion. She was a single mot her get t ing her
undergraduat e degree in psychology and loved her research classes, but her facult y advisor
wasnt encouraging her t o pursue t he research t rack. We t alked about work and mot herhood
and what researchers are supposed t o look like. It seemed t hat I was missing t he mice, t he
long whit e lab coat , and t he Y chromosome. She t old me, I pict ured older whit e guys working in
labs and st udying mice, not a soccer mom st udying feelings.
The journey t hat led me t o become a researcher was anyt hing but a st raight and narrow
pat h, which, ironically, is probably why and how I ended up st udying human behavior and
emot ion for a living. I was a college drop-in and drop-out for a number of years. During my off
semest ers, I wait ed t ables and t ended bar, hit chhiked t hrough Europe, played a lot of t ennis
you get t he point .
I found t he social work profession in my lat e t went ies and knew it was home. I did a t wo-year
st int in junior colleges t o raise my GPA enough t o get int o a big universit y wit h a social work
program. It was in t hose junior college classes t hat I fell in love wit h t he idea of t eaching and
writ ing.
Aft er years of dropping out , I graduat ed wit h honors from t he Universit y of TexasAust in
wit h my bachelors degree in social work when I was t went y-nine and immediat ely applied for
graduat e school at t he Universit y of Houst on. I got accept ed, worked hard and finished my
mast ers, and was accept ed int o t he doct oral program.
During my doct oral st udies, I discovered qualit at ive research. Unlike quant it at ive research,
which is about t est s and st at ist ics t hat give you what you need t o predict and cont rol
phenomena, qualit at ive research is about finding pat t erns and t hemes t hat help you bet t er
underst and t he phenomenon youre st udying. Theyre equally import ant approaches but very
different .
I use a specific qualit at ive met hodology called Grounded Theory.
1
I was fort unat e enough t o
be t rained by Barney Glaser, one of t he t wo men who developed t he met hodology in t he
1960s. Dr. Glaser commut ed from California t o serve as t he met hodologist on my dissert at ion
commit t ee.
The basic premise of Grounded Theory research is t o st art wit h as few preconceived ideas
and assumpt ions as possible so t hat you can build a t heory based on t he dat a t hat emerges
from t he process. For example, when I first st art ed wit h what I would lat er refer t o as
Wholeheart ed Research, I had t wo quest ions: What is t he anat omy of human connect ion, and
how does it work? Aft er st udying t he best and worst of humanit y, I had learned t hat not hing is
as import ant as human connect ion and I want ed t o know more about t he ins and out s of how
we develop meaningful connect ions.
In t he process of collect ing dat a t o answer t he quest ions, I ran int o shamet his t hing t hat
corroded connect ion. I decided t o t ake a quick det our t o underst and shame so t hat I could
bet t er underst and connect ion. At t hat point , my quest ions became, What is shame, and how
does it affect our lives?
My quick det our t urned int o eight years (t here was lot s t o learn). I posed new quest ions
based on what I had learned: The men and women who had embraced t heir vulnerabilit ies and
imperfect ions and developed a powerful level of resilience t o shame seemed t o value a cert ain
way of living. What did t hey value, and how did t hey cult ivat e what t hey needed? These
quest ions became t he basis for det ermining what it t akes for most people t o live wit h t heir
whole heart s.
My dat a doesnt come from quest ionnaires or surveys; I int erview people and collect st ories
using field not es. Im basically a st ory cat cher. Over t he past t en years, Ive collect ed more t han
t en t housand st ories. Ive done formal research int erviews wit h close t o one t housand men and
women individually and in focus groups. People have shared t heir st ories wit h me t hrough
let t ers, e-mail, my blog, and t he courses Ive t aught . Some have even sent me t heir art and
copies of t heir journals. Ive also present ed t o t ens of t housands of ment al healt h professionals
who have shared t heir case st udies wit h me.
When Im finished int erviewing, I analyze t he st ories for t hemes and pat t erns so I can
generat e t heories from t he dat a. When I code dat a (analyze t he st ories), I go int o deep
researcher mode where my only focus is on accurat ely capt uring what I heard in t he st ories. I
dont t hink about how I would say somet hing, only how t hey said it . I dont t hink about what an
experience would mean t o me, only what it meant t o t he person who t old me about it .
Rat her t han approaching a problem and saying, I need t o collect evidence of what I know t o
be t rue, t he Grounded Theory approach forces me t o let go of my int erest s and invest ment s
so I can focus on t he concerns, int erest s, and ideas of t he people I int erview.
The dat a-coding process is laborious and difficult . My husband, St eve, likes t o leave t own
wit h t he kids when I going int o my comparing, coding, memoing phase. He says it s kind of scary
because I walk around t he house dazed and mumbling wit h a st ack of yellow legal pads in my
hands. It s a very at t ract ive process.
What I love/hat e t he most about Grounded Theory is t hat it s never really done. The t heory
t hat you generat e from your dat a is only as good as it s abilit y t o explain new dat a. That
means every t ime you collect a new st ory or a new piece of informat ion, you have t o hold it up
against t he t heory youve developed. Does it work? Does it ring t rue? Does your exist ing
t heory work t his new dat a in a meaningful way?
If you follow my blog or if youve at t ended any of my lect ures, you can probably at t est t o t he
evolving nat ure of my t heory-building. If you want t o honor t he st ories t hat people have shared
wit h you, you have t o st ay rigorous in your at t empt s t o accurat ely capt ure t heir meaning. It s a
challenge, but I honest ly love what I do.
If youre really int erest ed in Grounded Theory or if you want more informat ion on
met hodology, visit my Web sit e for links t o t he academic art icles on Shame Resilience Theory
and t he Theory on Wholeheart ed Living (www.brenebrown.com).
notes
Preface
1. Bren Brown, Connections: A 12-Session Psychoeducational Shame-Resilience
Curriculum (Cent er Cit y, MN: Hazelden, 2009); Bren Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it
isnt): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power (New York: Penguin /
Got ham Books, 2007); Bren Brown, Shame Resilience Theory, in Contemporary Human
Behavior Theory: A Critical Perspective for Social Work, rev. ed., ed. Susan P. Robbins, Pranab
Chat t erjee, and Edward R. Canda (Bost on: Allyn and Bacon, 2007); Bren Brown, Shame
Resilience Theory: A Grounded Theory St udy on Women and Shame, Families in Society 87,
no. 1 (2006): 4352.
Int roduct ion: Wholeheart ed Living
1. St uart Brown wit h Christ opher Vaughan, Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the
Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul (New York: Penguin Group, 2009).
Courage, Compassion, and Connect ion: The Gift s of Imperfect ion
1. Im not sure where t he t erm ordinary courage first appeared, but I discovered it in an art icle
on women and girls by researcher Annie Rogers.
2. Pema Chdrn, The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in DifficultTimes
(Bost on: Shambhala Publicat ions, 2001).
3. Ibid.
4. Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships (New
York: Random House / Bant am Dell, 2006).
Exploring t he Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough
1. bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Harper
Paperbacks, 2001).
2. Blog comment used wit h permission from Just in Valent in.
3. Blog comment used wit h permission from Renae Cobb.
The Things That Get in t he Way
1. Bren Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isnt): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism,
Inadequacy, and Power (New York: Penguin / Got ham Books, 2007).
2. The most comprehensive review of t he current research lit erat ure on shame and guilt can
be found in Shame and Guilt by June Price Tangney and Ronda L. Dearing (New York: Guilford
Press, 2002).
3. Linda M. Hart ling, Wendy Rosen, Maureen Walker, and Judit h V. Jordan, Shame and
Humiliation: From Isolation to Relational Transformation, Work in Progress No. 88 (Wellesley,
MA: The St one Cent er, Wellesley College, 2000).
Guidepost #1, Cult ivat ing Aut hent icit y: Let t ing Go of What People Think
1. James R. Mahalik, Elisabet h B. Morray, Aime Coonert y-Femiano, Larry H. Ludlow, Suzanne
M. Slat t ery, and Andrew Smiler, Development of t he Conformit y t o Feminine Norms Invent ory,
Sex Roles 52, no. 78 (2005): 41735.
2. James R. Mahalik, W. Tracy Talmadge, Benjamin D. Locke, and Ryan P. J. Scot t , Using t he
Conformit y t o Masculine Norms Invent ory t o Work wit h Men in a Clinical Set t ing, Journal of
Clinical Psychology 61, no. 6 (2005): 66174; James R. Mahalik, Benjamin D. Locke, Larry H.
Ludlow, Mat t hew A. Diemer, Ryan P. J. Scot t , Michael Got t fried, and Gary Freit as,
Development of t he Conformit y t o Masculine Norms Invent ory, Psychology of Men and
Masculinity 4, no. 1 (2003): 325.
3. Kat herine Cent er blog, essay for Defining a Movement video, post ed January 28, 2010,
ht t p://www.kat herinecent er.com/defining-a-movement /.
Guidepost #2, Cult ivat ing Self-Compassion: Let t ing Go of Perfect ionism
1. Anna Quindlen, Anna Quindlens Commencement Speech,
ht t p://www.mt holyoke.edu/offices/comm/oped/Quindlen.sht ml; Anna Quindlen, Being Perfect
(NY: Random House, 2005).
2. Joe Scot t , The Effect of Perfect ionism and Uncondit ional Self-Accept ance on
Depression, Journal of Rational-Emotive and Cognitive-Behavior Therapy 25, no. 1 (2007):
3564; Anna M. Bardone-Cone, Kat rina St urm, Melissa A. Lawson, D. Paul Robinson, and Roma
Smit h, Perfect ionism across St ages of Recovery from Eat ing Disorders, International Journal
of Eating Disorders 43, no. 2 (2010): 13948; Hyun-joo Park, P. Paul Heppner, and Dong-gwi
Lee, Maladapt ive Coping and Self-Est eem as Mediat ors bet ween Perfect ionism and
Psychological Dist ress, Personality and Individual Differences 48, no. 4 (March 2010): 46974.
3. Christ opher K. Germer, The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from
Destructive Thoughts and Emotions (New York: Guilford Press, 2009).
4. Krist in D. Neff, Self-Compassion: An Alt ernat ive Concept ualizat ion of a Healt hy At t it ude
Toward Oneself, Self and Identity 2 (2003): 85101.
5. Krist in D. Neff, The Development and Validat ion of a Scale t o Measure Self-Compassion,
Self and Identity 2 (2003): 22350.
6. Leonard Cohen, Ant hem, The Future, 1992, Columbia Records.
Guidepost #3, Cult ivat ing a Resilient Spirit : Let t ing Go of Numbing and
Powerlessness
1. Used wit h permission from Terri St . Cloud.
2. Suniya S. Lut har, Dant e Cicchet t i, and Bronwyn Becker, The Const ruct of Resilience: A
Crit ical Evaluat ion and Guidelines for Fut ure Work, Child Development 71, no. 3 (2000): 543
62; Suniya S. Lut har and Dant e Cicchet t i, The Const ruct of Resilience: Implicat ions for
Int ervent ions and Social Policies, Development and Psychopathology 12 (2000): 85785;
Christ ine E. Agaibi and John P. Wilson, Trauma, PTSD, and Resilience: A Review of t he
Lit erat ure, Trauma, Violence, and Abuse 6, no. 3 (2005): 195216; Ant hony D. Ong, C. S.
Bergeman, Toni L. Biscont i, and Kimberly A. Wallace, Psychological Resilience, Posit ive
Emot ions, and Successful Adapt at ion t o St ress in Lat er Life, Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology 91, no. 4 (2006): 73049.
3. C. R. Snyder, Psychology of Hope: You Can Get There from Here, paperback ed. (New
York: Free Press, 2003); C. R. Snyder, Hope Theory: Rainbows in t he Mind, Psychological
Inquiry 13, no. 4 (2002): 24975.
4. C. R. Snyder, Kennet h A. Lehman, Ben Kluck, and Yngve Monsson, Hope for Rehabilit at ion
and Vice Versa, Rehabilitation Psychology 51, no. 2 (2006): 89112; C. R. Snyder, Hope
Theory: Rainbows in t he Mind, Psychological Inquiry 13, no. 4 (2002): 24975.
5. Jean Kilbourne, Lect ure Series: What Are Advert isers Really Selling Us?
ht t p://jeankilbourne.com/?page_id=12.
6. Killing Us Softly 4: Advertisings Image of Women, DVD, direct ed by Sut Jhally
(Nort hampt on, MA: Media Educat ion Foundat ion, 2010).
7. Tough Guise: Violence, Media, and the Crisis in Masculinity, DVD, direct ed by Sut Jhally
(Nort hampt on, MA: Media Educat ion Foundat ion, 1999).
8. Gerard J. Connors, St ephen A. Maist o, and William H. Zywiak, Male and Female Alcoholics
At t ribut ions Regarding t he Onset and Terminat ion of Relapses and t he Maint enance of
Abst inence, Journal of Substance Abuse 10, no. 1 (1998): 2742; G. Alan Marlat t and Dennis
M. Donovan, Relapse Prevention: Maintenance Strategies in the Treatment of Addictive
Behaviors, 2nd ed. (New York: Guilford Press, 2007); Norman S. Miller and Mark S. Gold,
Dissociat ion of Conscious Desire (Craving) from and Relapse in Alcohol and Cocaine
Dependence, Annals of Clinical Psychology 6, no. 2 (1994): 99106.
Guidepost #4, Cult ivat ing Grat it ude and Joy: Let t ing Go of Scarcit y and Fear of t he
Dark
1. Anne Robert son, Joy or Happiness? St . Johns Unit ed Met hodist Church,
www.st johnsdover.org/99adv3.ht ml. Used wit h permission from Anne Robert son.
2. Lynne Twist , The Soul of Money: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Life
(New York: W. W. Nort on and Company, 2003), 44.
3. Ibid., 75.
4. Bren Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isnt): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism,
Inadequacy, and Power (New York: Penguin / Got ham Books, 2007), 204205.
Guidepost #5, Cult ivat ing Int uit ion and Trust ing Fait h: Let t ing Go of t he Need for
Cert aint y
1. Int uit ion, www.Dict ionary.com (accessed February 17, 2010).
2. David G. Myers, Intuition: Its Powers and Perils (New Haven, CT: Yale Universit y Press,
2002); Gerd Gigerenzer, Gut Feelings: The Intelligence of the Unconscious (London: Penguin
Books, 2008).
3. Richard Rohr, Ut t erly Humbled by Myst ery, published December 18, 2006, Nat ional Public
Radio This I Believe series, ht t p://www.npr.org/t emplat es/st ory/st ory.php?st oryId=6631954
(accessed February 15, 2010).
4. Anne Lamot t , Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, paperback ed. (New York: Penguin
Group, Riverhead Books, 2006), 25657.
5. Anne Lamot t , Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (New York: Random
House, Anchor Books, 1995); Anne Lamot t , Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith, paperback
ed. (New York: Penguin Group, Riverhead Books, 2008).
6. Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Lifes Sacred Questions (New
York: HarperCollins, HarperOne, 2006).
7. Pema Chdrn, Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness
and Compassion, mass market ed. (Bost on, MA: Shambhala Publicat ions, 2008).
8. Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist (New York: HarperCollins, 2006).
Guidepost #7, Cult ivat ing Play and Rest : Let t ing Go of Exhaust ion as a St at us
Symbol and Product ivit y as Self-Wort h
1. St uart Brown wit h Christ opher Vaughan, Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the
Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul (New York: Penguin Group, 2009).
2. Ibid.
3. Sleep and Sleep Disorders: A Public Healt h Challenge, www.cdc.gov/sleep/; L. R.
McKnight -Eily and ot hers, Perceived Insufficient Rest or SleepFour St at es, 2006, MMWR
(Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report) 57, no. 8 (February 29, 2008): 200203,
www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrht ml/mm5708a2.ht m (accessed January 2, 2010), analyzed
dat a from CDCs Behavioral Risk Fact or Surveillance Syst em (BRFSS).
4. Daniel H. Pink, A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future, paperback ed.
(Penguin Group, Riverhead Books, 2006).
Guidepost #8, Cult ivat ing Calm and St illness: Let t ing Go of Anxiet y as a Lifest yle
1. Maude Bryt , Baby Love: A Tradition of Calm Parenting (New York: Dell, 1998).
2. Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When Youre Mad,
Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate (New York: HarperCollins, 2002).
3. Ibid.
Guidepost #9, Cult ivat ing Meaningful Work: Let t ing Go of Self-Doubt and Supposed
To
1. Marci Alboher, One Person/Multiple Careers: A New Model for Work/Life Success (New
York: Business Plus, 2007).
2. Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers: The Story of Success (New York: Hachet t e Book Group, Lit t le,
Brown and Company, 2008).
3. Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist (New York: HarperCollins, 2006).
Guidepost #10, Cult ivat ing Laught er, Song, and Dance: Let t ing Go of Being Cool and
Always in Cont rol
1. Barbara Ehrenreich, Dancing in the Streets: A History of Collective Joy (New York:
Met ropolit an Books, 2006).
About t he Research Process: A Chapt er for Thrill-Seekers and Met hodology Junkies
1. Barney G. Glaser and Anselm L. St rauss, The Discovery of Grounded Theory: Strategies for
Qualitative Research (Hawt horne, NY: Aldine Transact ion, 1967); Barney G. Glaser, Theoretical
Sensitivity: Advances in the Methodology of Grounded Theory (Mill Valley, CA: Sociology Press,
1978); Barney G. Glaser, Basics of Grounded Theory Analysis: Emergence vs. Forcing (Mill
Valley, CA: Sociology Press, 1992); Barney G. Glaser, Doing Grounded Theory: Issues and
Discussions (Mill Valley, CA: Sociology Press, 1998); Barney G. Glaser, The Grounded Theory
Perspective: Conceptualization Contrasted with Description (Mill Valley, CA: Sociology Press,
2001); Barney G. Glaser, The Grounded Theory Perspective II: Descriptions Remodeling of
Grounded Theory (Mill Valley, CA: Sociology Press, 2003); Barney G. Glaser, The Grounded
Theory Perspective III: Theoretical Coding (Mill Valley, CA: Sociology Press, 2005).
about the author
Dr. Bren Brown is a researcher, writ er, and professor. She is a member of t he research facult y
at t he Universit y of Houst on Graduat e College of Social Work, where she has spent t he past
t en years st udying a concept t hat she calls Wholeheart edness, posing t he quest ions: How do
we engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the
courage, compassion, and connection that we need to embrace our imperfections and to
recognize that we are enoughthat we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?
Bren spent t he first seven years of her decade-long research journey st udying how t he
universal experiences of shame and fear affect us and how pract icing resilience in our
everyday lives can change t he way we live, love, parent , and work.
In 2008, she was named Behavioral Healt h Scholar-in-Residence at t he Council on Alcohol
and Drugs in Houst on. Brens work has been feat ured on PBS and t he Oprah and Friends
Radio Net work, and her art icles have appeared in Self magazine, Elle magazine, and many
nat ional newspapers. She is also a frequent guest on radio shows across t he Unit ed St at es.
Most recent ly, Houston Women Magazine named her one of The 50 Most Influent ial Women
of 2009.
In addit ion t o t his book, Bren is t he aut hor of I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isnt): Telling
the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power (Got ham, 2007) and Wholehearted:
Spiritual Adventures in Falling Apart, Growing Up, and Finding Joy (Hazelden, fort hcoming).
She is also t he aut hor of Connections, a psychoeducat ional shame-resilience curriculum t hat is
being facilit at ed across t he nat ion by ment al healt h and addict ions professionals.
Bren lives in Houst on wit h her husband, St eve, and t heir t wo young children, Ellen and
Charlie.
You can learn more about Bren and her research by visit ing www.brenebrown.com or by
visit ing her blog at www.ordinarycourage.com. For a Gifts of Imperfection reading guide and a
list of book recommendat ions, please visit her Web sit e.
Hazelden, a nat ional nonprofit organizat ion founded in 1949, helps people reclaim t heir lives
from t he disease of addict ion. Built on decades of knowledge and experience, Hazelden offers
a comprehensive approach t o addict ion t hat addresses t he full range of pat ient , family, and
professional needs, including t reat ment and cont inuing care for yout h and adult s, research,
higher learning, public educat ion and advocacy, and publishing.
A life of recovery is lived one day at a t ime. Hazelden publicat ions, bot h educat ional and
inspirat ional, support and st rengt hen lifelong recovery. In 1954, Hazelden published Twenty-
Four Hours a Day, t he first daily medit at ion book for recovering alcoholics, and Hazelden
cont inues t o publish works t o inspire and guide individuals in t reat ment and recovery, and t heir
loved ones. Professionals who work t o prevent and t reat addict ion also t urn t o Hazelden for
evidence-based curricula, informat ional mat erials, and videos for use in schools, t reat ment
programs, and correct ional programs.
Through published works, Hazelden ext ends t he reach of hope, encouragement , help, and
support t o individuals, families, and communit ies affect ed by addict ion and relat ed issues.
For quest ions about Hazelden publicat ions, please call
800-328-9000 or visit us online at hazelden.org/bookst ore.
Table of Contents
Cover Page
Half Tit le Page
Tit le Page
Copyright
Dedicat ion
Cont ent s
Preface
Acknowledgment s
Int roduct ion: Wholeheart ed Living
Courage, Compassion, and Connect ion: The Gift s of Imperfect ion
Exploring t he Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough
The Things That Get in t he Way
Guidepost #1 - Cult ivat ing Aut hent icit y: Let t ing Go of What People Think
Guidepost #2 - Cult ivat ing Self-Compassion: Let t ing Go of Perfect ionism
Guidepost #3 - Cult ivat ing a Resilient Spirit : Let t ing Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
Guidepost #4 - Cult ivat ing Grat it ude and Joy: Let t ing Go of Scarcit y and Fear of t he Dark
Guidepost #5 - Cult ivat ing Int uit ion and Trust ing Fait h: Let t ing Go of t he Need for Cert aint y
Guidepost #6 - Cult ivat ing Creat ivit y: Let t ing Go of Comparison
Guidepost #7 - Cult ivat ing Play and Rest : Let t ing Go of Exhaust ion as a St at us Symbol and
Product ivit y as Self-Wort h
Guidepost #8 - Cult ivat ing Calm and St illness: Let t ing Go of Anxiet y as a Lifest yle
Guidepost #9 - Cult ivat ing Meaningful Work: Let t ing Go of Self-Doubt and Supposed To
Guidepost #10 - Cult ivat ing Laught er, Song, and Dance: Let t ing Go of Being Cool and Always
in Cont rol
Final Thought s
About t he Research Process: For Thrill-Seekers and Met hodology Junkies
Not es
About t he Aut hor

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