Stop, Look, and Listen

Blake Quintin Edwards

Salt Lake Community College
Communication 1010
May 16, 2014

















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Table of Contents
Overview 3
Description of Project 4
Resources and Constraints 5
Recommendations 6
Conclusion 9
Work Cited 10














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Overview:

Having perfect communication in any area requires hard work. There are
areas Im better at than others, but one that I want to improve on is
becoming a better listener. Even more specifically I want to become a
better rational, or people oriented type of listener (Adler, Ronald B., Jeanne
M. Elmhorst, and Kristen Lucas pg. 65). Men seem to be more concerned
about the facts, report, and women seem to be more concerned about
feelings, rapport (pg. 87-88). Id like to close the gap and put emphasis on
both emotional and factual ways of listening.

I could become a better rational listener by paying close attention to what
other people are saying through; withholding judgment, asking questions,
paraphrasing, and finally paying attention to nonverbal clues (pg. 70). By
doing this, you can really put yourself in someone elses shoes, understand
what the person is feeling, and the reason why they are communicating
with you in the manner they are.












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Description of Problem:

The problem with being a perfect listener is that there are many
requirements that have to be followed. Even if you may listen to everything
that the other person is saying, unless you respond to the person in the
correct way, you are not a good listener. It also varies from person to
person what the definition of a good listener really is. As described,
Listening may seem like a natural ability-like breathing. After all, you
might say, Ive been listening since I was a child but even though almost
everyone does it, this doesnt mean that most people do it well (pg. 61).
My problem isnt necessarily that I dont listen well; its that I seem to
frustrate women when I only ask questions about the facts of the story
instead of responding emotionally to them.

I can recall one time as I was having a conversation with one of my friends, I
was extremely careful to pay attention to all the details of the problem that
she was facing. Afterwards, I was anxious to show her how I paid such close
attention to detail and was going to respond in the perfect manner. I
immediately started to respond by telling her the solution she needed for
her problem. I soon found out that I had done the wrong thing. She
chastised me by telling me that she just needed someone to talk to, not
someone to solve her problem. I was completely dumbfounded as I thought
I had done everything correctly. After much thought, I determined that I
had responded using report, instead of rapport (pg. 87-88). What she
wanted was for me to listen and then ask questions like, How are you
doing now? Then that way, I wouldve responded emotionally and let her
express how she was feeling.

Even though I have faced weaknesses the analyses in the following pages
will show how to avoid such problems again.





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Resources and Constraints:

There are sources such as books, the Internet, and our class textbook,
Communicating at Work that offer suggestions for better communication. I
found that Communicating at Work, contains a great deal of information
and helpful tips to improve on becoming a better listener. I will know if
what I use is effective when my mom, sisters, and friends thank me for
understanding. They are sure to let me know too!

One great resource to follow is my mom. She could walk up to any stranger
that she has never met before and could become the best of friends in a
matter of minutes. The way she communicates with them is outstanding.
She has a way of asking questions, that arent too personal, but they make
the other party anxious and eager to share more. She could do this,
because she really takes time to listen to what the person is saying and
identify what sort of emotional attachment they have so she could respond
in an appropriate manner. This is the kind of skill I want to adopt.

The constraint that I might face is the preoccupation of being too focused
on balancing out the different listening skills that I wont be able to focus
on what is being said (pg. 63). In other words I will need to use sincerity.
Another constraint is my psychological barriers (pg. 63). For example, it will
be hard to really care and listen if Im not interested in the topic the other
party is discussing. In this case I would put up a mental block that would
restrict me from listening rationally. Im also already such a task-oriented
listener that hearing long stories that could be summarized in a few words
may be hard because I will want that message quick and efficiently (pg. 65).

Even though I may have some weaknesses, recognizing these resources and
constraints could help me in my progress to becoming a more improved
rational listener. I could learn from my past mistakes and do things
differently in the future.




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Recommendations:

My goals on how to be a better listener means that I will need to listen in
more of a people oriented like manner, listen to understand, and respond
effectively. The most important thing is to really feel what others are
feeling. If you can accomplish this, you can listen for understanding instead
of what you always want to hear. If you listen-really listen with full eye
contact and attention-you can own the keys to the communication
kingdom (pg. 61). The textbook explains the process of accomplishing the
above goals. It includes withholding judgment, asking questions,
paraphrasing, and attending to nonverbal cues (pg. 66-71).

The first step is to withhold Judgment (pg. 66-67). It is explained that
sometimes we focus on judging the answer to our questions rather than
focus on trying to understand where they are coming from. How can I
expect to understand someones feelings if I make a pre-judgment about
what I expect him or her to say, or if Im accusing them mentally as they tell
me their story? If we are guilty of such actions, now is the time to stop. One
big topic of this is constructive criticism. We need to understand why the
person is giving us criticism instead of just instantly getting upset that they
are trying to change us. If we listen and understand the emotions behind
what they are saying, we could learn something, and even change ourselves
for the better. Seek first to understand, then to be understood (pg. 66-
67).

The second step is asking questions. Its one thing to ask just any question,
and another thing to ask the right question. Sincere question are genuine
requests for information. They can be a terrific way to gather facts and
details, clarify meaning, and encourage a speaker to elaborate (pg. 68). In
essence, asking questions about facts isnt a bad thing; it just needs to tie in
with questions about feeling. The keyword in the quote just above is
sincere. When we are sincerely asking questions, then we care about
what the person is saying and what happened to them. The right questions
will show we are listening and that we care. Asking questions can also clear
up any misunderstandings. Sometimes we could be really hurt by what
someone says to us, while what they were really trying to communicate


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wasnt hurtful at all. Asking the right questions could give the other person
an opportunity to explain what they meant, without you sounding rude or
offended.

The third step is paraphrasing. This one I caught myself by surprise because
it is probably the most critical and one that I dont use that often.
Paraphrasing is useful in showing that we understand what they said and
that we were listening. Paraphrasing doesnt mean that we play back word
for word what they just told us, but rather it means that we translate the
speakers thoughts into your own language and then playing them back to
ensure their accuracy (pg. 70). Essentially there are three different
paraphrasing methods to understand what is being said. These three
include content, intent, and feeling. Paraphrasing for content is asking
what is it? So, you ask what the meaning of the message that the sender
was trying communicate. This is a safety check to make sure that you
understood the whole message instead of figuring out later that you were
completely wrong. Next, paraphrasing intent is asking why are they
speaking up? The text uses the example of when a boss calls for a meeting
discussing how there is going to be a checkout board whenever you leave
the office that you have to sign. This will show how long the employee was
away and how much time they were not at work. The boss could either
want; one, to inform other employees where each other are, or two, the
boss thinks that the employees are slacking off by leaving for too long of
periods (pg. 70). Paraphrasing intent could clear up messages that may
have two meanings. The third and final is paraphrasing feeling which is the
emotion behind the statement. This can ensure that you dont get offended
or upset when you shouldnt be at all. Of all three the textbook says that
paraphrasing feeling is the most important part of the message (pg. 70).
By paraphrasing feeling it requires a simple question like Did that make
you mad? Even if the answer to that is no, then they can correct any
miscommunication of their emotions, and we will both know how they felt
about what it is they are telling us.

Last but not least, we must attend to nonverbal cues. Paying attention to
gestures, postures, vocal tones, facial expressions, and many more says a
lot about how the conversation is going (pg. 71). This to me seems like a
great example of the golden rule, do unto others as you would have others


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do to you. If I was talking to someone who wasnt looking at me or
seemed slouched over, would I like that? No, so I better show respect and
engagement in conversation by using proper body language. It also shows
sincerity of the message. For example, if a car salesman slouched, spoke in
a monotone voice, and acted really uninterested, nobody would want to
buy a car from him. However, a salesman who stood straight, spoke with
excitement, and showed they honestly care about the quality of the car you
are buying, people will trust them and buy the car. People are more willing
to listen when their body language shows that the message they are
communicating is important to them. It is possible to get more from a
message by reading body language, than fully understanding the meaning
of a message. As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words.















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Conclusion:
Im not lacking completely in the skill of listening, I just struggle a bit when
it comes to listening for feelings. Ive always been the task-oriented
listener that wants to hear the facts and take care of the problem (pg 65).
However, how can I expect to take care of the problem if I dont
understand why it is a problem? To fix this, it is important to remember to;
withhold judgment, ask questions, paraphrase, and finally pay attention to
nonverbal clues. Adopting these qualities will help you to understand
others both factually, and emotionally, which will overall make you a better
listener.

Most problems occur in life because the bad feelings of a problem are
never communicated. Ive read over this material before, but to emphasize
it and apply it to my own life makes it of greater value in knowledge. Im
excited to put this to the test and do my best to improve in my relationship
with my friends, my mom, sisters, and generally everyone I talk with.












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Works Cited:
Adler, Ronald B., Jeanne M. Elmhorst, and Kristen Lucas. Communicating At
Work Strategies For Success In Business and the Professions. 11th ed.
Boston: McGraw Hill, 2013. Print.