Tips for adults helping children grieve:

Developmental Understanding of Death and Grief Reactions for ages 3-9: Age 3 to 5 Think death is temporary, possibly sleeping; think the person will still eat , breathe, and wake up at sometime May connect events that are unrelated (i.e., a brain tumour is a lump inside the head, if I bump my head I will die too) May believe they are responsible, their good behaviour now will bring the person back May misinterpret grief emotions in others; may not react with recognizable grief feelings Age 6 to 9 May cling to magical thinking but realize death is real and final. This does not mean they will cope well Recognize and may be troubled by the knowledge that death is part of life and could happen to others Knowledge of safety rules can help alleviate fears of unpredictability of death May think they are responsible or could have prevented it Worry friends will treat them differently if someone in their family died Broad range of feelings can be overwhelming; depression, sadness, anger, guilt, fear, confusion, jealousy May want to know about the body, religious and cultural beliefs, own mortality, role changes in the family, if people at school know, how others will treat them now 8 to 9 year olds may be highly imaginative and graphic in trying to cope with news of traumatic death

Ages 3 to 9; Dos Listen to them Keep facts clear and simple Be open and honest with them about your feelings Explain death, as it cant walk, talk, eat and breathe Encourage questions and conversation Keep routines flexible and accommodating Indicate the difference between being hurt and very, very, very sick or old, rather than just saying sick or old. Ages 3 to 9; Donts Expose the children to extreme grief reactions, emotional breakdowns Force the child to participate in grief discussions and activities Use extensive explanations and details Force a regular day Lecture or moralize, dont link death to guilt, punishment or sin Force looking for positivity in the immediate situation Expect adult grief responses, children may still play, laugh and giggle, even at distressing times.

Developmental Understanding of Death and Grief Reactions Ages 10+

Ages 10 to 12 Fuller understanding of performance and causes of death, impact on self and others May be imaginative and graphic in coping with traumatic death Recognize significance of rituals, expect to be included May have questions about religious and cultural beliefs, heaven, hell and life after death Think about how loss will affect future Adolescents May cling to magical thinking but realize death is real and final does not mean they cope well Understanding of death is adult like but emotional responses are strong and unchecked Convinced of own immortality/ omnipotence: death especially of a young person is difficult to accept Death intensifies pre-existing adolescent pressure Emotional reactions wide ranging, may be extreme and can change abruptly (fear, anger, shock, denial, insecurity, helpless, sorrowful, depressed) Are more likely to have previous experiences with grief, these may be reactivated intensely May drift into depression, withdrawing from others, focus on dark thoughts.

May also deny that they have been affected or changed or care, may be angry or violent Broad range of feelings may be overwhelming

Ages 10 adolescent: Dos Listen Be gentle in guiding them Set limits and reasonable expectations of how they should behave Keep the facts clear and correct Be open and honest about your feelings Ask for help, this does not need to be handled alone Talk about your feelings Allow small groups of people to provide peer support Keep routines, but be flexible and accommodating Make referrals to professional counseling when grief persists Ages 10 adolescents: Donts Force young people to deal with extreme grief reactions Force children to participate in discussions and activities surrounding grief Force a regular day Feel this must be handled alone Expect adult grief responses. Children may snicker, giggle and joke at very distressing times and wail at great lengths Say or do anything you wouldnt want done to you in the same circumstance.