Running head: COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICTC ANALYSIS

Communication and Conflict Final Project Melissa Todd Kent State University

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I. Abstract/Warm-up

It all started in August 2010, when I was accepted into Kent State University and assigned to live in Wright Hall room 221 located in Tri-towers on campus. The anticipation of going to college and living in the dorms with hundreds of other people I didnt know was overwhelming until, one day while browsing Facebook I clicked a link to the Wright Hall members page. I knew making acquaintances on my floor wasnt going to be hard for me, but I was looking for a friend, someone to get lunch or go out and party with, and actually relate to! Choices looked slim and unappealing as I clicked numerous pages of girls on my floor and creeped on their information and pictures. Almost ready to give up, a girl named Shelby Nicholson with short blonde hair like mine caught my eye. I sent her a message introducing myself and in no time I could tell we were going to get alongor so I thought. Conflict rose in no time at all.

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II. Nature of the Conflict Conflict between Shelby and I started about a month or two after moving into Wright Hall. My roommate didnt show up so it looked like I was going to be on my own. I was honestly okay with not having to share my space but I knew I liked to be around people and I was going to get lonely. At first Shelby and I got along great, people would say we were two peas in a pod but conflict grew between us as I got irritated with her. Conflict started through a series of events and was caused by Shelbys lack of common sense and understanding of the girl code. It would take Shelby approximately two and a half hours to get ready to go out on the weekends, and she could never pick out her own outfits. Each night of the weekend I dreaded the question What are you going to wear because I knew the answer. If I told her what I was going to wear she would go put the exact same outfit concept on, and if I lied it would just postpone the time we left to go out. Her copying my outfits was the least of my worries! If I curled my hair, she curled her hair, if I wore heels she had to wear heels. I tested this theory out one night with a last minute wardrobe change into a crappy hooded sweatshirt. You can only guess what she did! Shelby continued to copy me in every other aspect of my life possible. She bought hair extensions and started smoking cigarettes, two things she did not come to college doing. Shelby continued to adapt and conform into a little clone of myself. She suddenly found a new love for converse shoes, snapback hats, underground rap, line dancing, and pretty much anything I expressed interest in including guys. I introduced her to everyone I knew in Kent, and when we would go out she fed off my outgoing and sarcastic personality like it was her own. These are example of intra-personal conflict I had with Shelby. The way she acted towards other people also played a part in how the nature of our conflict changed over time. There are a couple of

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names or words for girls like Shelby, and these word descriptions are one of the few things she certainly did not learn or copy from me. Our nature of conflict over time changed from tolerable to moderate conflict, into an all out uproar of events. Severe conflict came between Shelby and I when I started dating a kid named Robbie from Kent State at the end of the summer who I had expressed interest in to her numerous times. As the new school year started we moved into the same house and split the upstairs attic. Shelby, who I considered a good friend and now roommate forgot to tell me about their relationship/one night stand at the beginning of the Summer! I should have known from previous similar, but smaller level incidents like this that she was going to throw herself on anyone or anything I expressed interest in, it had happened so many times before. At that point I ended the relationship with Robbie and showed immense anger towards Shelby. This conflict was literally overwhelming to me at first. I cant even say I dont believe it because I do, I just never pictured her taking it to the level she did. This conflict has me feeling hurt, lied to, tricked, deceived, used, and heartbroken. I feel like I just lost not one but two people that I thought were going to be in my life for the next 4 years of college and who knows maybe longer. I dont think Shelby understands what she did wrong at all. She is completely oblivious to the whole conflict and has no idea we even had one until one night when I made it very clear through verbal and physical aggressive actions. Before and after that night I believe Shelby is intimidated and jealous of me. Her actions dont lead to many other feelings she could possibly have, unless she is truly heartless and doesnt have feelings which would make more sense. The only thing I would like to see come from this conflict is better judgment skills, on my part of future people I might consider as friends. My goal was to remove Shelby completely from my life and that is how I resolved this conflict. Ive moved on in a way thats

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best for me and that is my main goal. I think Shelby understands all of my goals now that everything is the way I want it. In the past I have interfered with her goals by attacking her face or image through embarrassment (West & Turner, 2010). In the past I saw revenge as my only goal and she realized I was interfering, currently I do not interfere with her goals and am so disconnected with her I have no clue what her goals even are. Shelby has tried to interfere with my goals of moving on and forgetting about this experience in many ways but none that have any huge effect on me. Shelbys goals have and have not changed in a few ways, according to my perspective. They have changed because her goal of copying me is no longer possible and they havent changed in the fact she still continues to chase Robbie or what she think my goals are. At first I had prospective goals; I clarified what I wanted to Shelby hoping that expressing interest in this kid would help her understand my goals as well. During the conflict my transactive goal was that Shelby needed to move out of our house, this is a goal that I noticed and expressed after I got a chance to talk with her. Finally my retrospective goals emerged after the conflict was over. I felt the need to explain to my roommates and others why I made the choices I did and justify why I handled the conflict the way I did. A fundamental part of conflict management and negotiation is to clarify one's goals and interests,"If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there." (Mitchell, 2010). Others that are involved in this conflict include my 4 roommates Victoria, Hilary, Brittany, and Kara. They felt they needed to take a side in this dispute because it was clear who was wrong. My roommates agreed even before aggressive conflict occurred that Shelby needed to leave the house based on my conflicts and their own personal conflicts with her. My roommates have certainly influenced my decisions and behaviors in this conflict. When you have others cheering you on in agreement and feeding

6 COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT ANALYSIS you information its easy to be influenced by those voices because its exactly you want to hear and would help me reach my goals. This conflict has become 100% destructive and is only considered constructive because we no longer have to live or deal with Shelby since she has moved out. III. Power During this conflict I feel that I have high power and low power. High power is often something that is strived for and it is something that Shelby does not have therefore being in low power or a position because she reached the stage where nothing mattered and our friendship wasnt worth it (Rummel, 1976). At a point in our conflict I reached a position of low power when I chose to be aggressive and violent. I feel that Shelby values many qualities that I have. My intelligence and common sense often put her in a lower position next to me. Also my confidence and out-going personality made her feel like she had to live up to a standard in comparison to me. When I first met Shelby I valued her easy going personality because I hold grudges and conflict didnt affect her the way it would affect me. This conflict has altered daily life in a couple of ways. Since we share a room she had to move all of her belongings out while I wasnt there which an issue was because I didnt trust her being around my things. Also after she moved out all of our utilities had to be split between 5 girls instead of 6, which in the long run is a small price to pay to get her out of the house. I think Shelby will agree that I have the higher power because she is the one that moved out not me and she still pays rent here. I used to depend on Shelby when we first met as someone to confide in and trust with conversations we had. However, currently in this conflict I do not depend on her for anything. Shelby depended on me for so many things including plans, acceptance, alcohol, and anything she could leech off me. I

7 COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT ANALYSIS feel that she is definitely threatened by me especially because I am a confrontational person and kicked her out of our house. IV. Styles Style preferences develop in people over a lifetime. In High School I never stood up for myself in situations I should have, so when I came to Kent State I made a strong effort to change that. I have made specific choice in this conflict to avoid, seek revenge, harm, and compete with Shelby all with the intentions of accomplishing my goals. The type of style I used in this conflict was Competition. I am a very competitive individual, and sports and life experiences have led me to use this conflict style. Competition is a form of fighting; I use it because its a style that gives me the most control and a sense of I win, you lose ( Thomas, 1976). My style can vary with different situations because I think its necessary when dealing with different people. I try to weigh my options depending on the other individual and their styles in order to figure out the actions I need to take to benefit myself in the end. Shelbys conflict style can be described through avoidance. She used tactics like direct denial and evasive remarks by lying to me and roommates when asked specific questions about the conflict and failing to acknowledge that there was even a conflict (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011). Shelby was a huge fan of shifting topics and avoiding discussion that involved her being wrong. After dealing with her avoidance for so long I resorted to destructive competition by confronting her in front of people she couldnt lie to. I used threats and warnings to show the conflicts importance to me. When I wasnt getting the answers I wanted the competitive style allowed me to speed up the process and win. Now that Shelby has moved out I dont intend to keep the conflict going in a destructive way. As long as she stays far away and continues to avoid me I consider the conflict done with. The only

8 COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT ANALYSIS suggested solution was decided on through me, my roommates, and her parents ending in her to immediately move out. During the major event of the conflict, the night that I used verbal and physical aggressiveness, I preplanned a choice of words and topics I was going to bring up. I remember looking her in the eye and saying, think about what you are going to say Shelby because if I ever catch you in a lie like this again I will punch you in the face. I It just so happened that her response to the verbal aggression was I have never lied to you Mel, resulting in an explosion of emotions from me and physical aggression released towards her. I do not think Shelby preplanned her choice of words because if she did her response to being caught in a lie would not have been another lie. I deliberately started this specific conflict by approaching her in an environment where alcohol played a key role. I chose to do this for selfish reasons, 1: I wanted answers at that moment, 2: I had an army of encouragement and allegiance, and 3: To ensure I wasnt being mocked or fooled any longer. I am handling this conflict knowing that it will not be resolved. A quote taken from Hilary McKeon justifies reasons this conflict with not be resolved, What Shelby did was inexcusable. From my experiences as her roommate, when the actual physical fight occurred, I thought she really got what she deserved. She was persistent in trying to screw not only Mel, but the rest of the roommates over. Months ago I wish I could have made Shelby a list of reasons in full detail why this conflict occurred, why I hated her presence, and everything about her choices in life, but currently Im over it and happy again, bringing it up would only bring me down. I have held a lot of these feelings in because I knew that I was going to write this paper. With the love for writing that I have, I often gain closure from conflicts once I express these feelings out in words. V. Assessment

9 COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT ANALYSIS This conflict if viewed as a whole has been repeated twice. The first time I tried to solve this conflict I allowed myself to be civil with Shelby. We were never back to being friends but once I found out she went behind my back again the conflict between us came back. Since the second time I have not spent any time trying to solve the conflict. The conflict I experienced with Shelby cannot be change, it is impossible to go back in time however I would love to see what would have happened if I never met her. My behavior towards Shelby changed from supporting friend to worst enemy. This was influenced by the choices and decisions made when Shelby chose to test my limits. Listening is such an important skill and many people take it for granted (Boyd,1994). I tried to put myself in her shoes plenty of times, but I could not figure out where she was coming from because nothing she did matched up or made sense to anyone including third parties I talked to. Research emphasizes the important of third-parties in understanding conflict resolution because they can often see a situation from a viewpoint that you cannot (Levine, 2011). Conflicts in general defiantly carry over into other aspect of life. As much as I try to make sure I leave negative feelings at the door conflicts can severely alter someones mood. I found myself bringing the conflict with Shelby to work and home because it irritated me to a great extent. I would never purposefully bring my other house members into my conflict but they have a right to an opinion on the situation and living with someone that brings a negative energy around, is a topic 4 girls will have a lot to talk about. They have expressed to me that they didnt like her for reasons of their own and the fact that they strongly disagree with her lying to me after all that I have done for her. In earlier stages of this conflict I used hostile jokes, rejection, and sarcasm in hope maybe Shelby would get the hint that I dont appreciate her copying my style and personality. Where I was raised and in my culture it was common sense to

10 COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT ANALYSIS not put on the same outfit as someone because thats just rude and embarrassing. The impact of not fully handling the earlier stages of this conflict led to a buildup of anger and negative feelings. I wanted this conflict to be resolved with Shelby moving out of the house and staying far away from me and people that I care about. In earlier stages of this conflict with Shelby and the other roommates other tactics were used. We all sat her down and nicely let her know that maybe she should look for somewhere else to live next year. We were not rude or mean, and literally stated it as a compromise that made her feel like we were looking out for everyones best interest. She avoided this and pushed it off saying we would deal with it next year when to any other human with common sense out message clearly meant we dont want to live with you! I am 100% content with my life right now without her in it a see no relationship in the future. Vi. Personal Intervention I express anger in many different ways. My favorite way to handle anger is through writing poetry. Sometimes when I am angry I will go for a run or engage in some type of physical activity that will clear my head. Anything that distracts me from the problem seems to help and its proven that this is one of the most common forms of expressing anger (Lenski, 1997). If I am angry and hurt I often cry and vent to someone that can relate because knowing someone else has felt the same way is reassuring and can possibly lead to ways to handle the conflict. In this rare conflict with Shelby I expressed my anger through violence because I couldnt compare this anger to anything I have felt before and the other ways I expressed it didnt work. Shelby expresses anger through revenge. She is sneaky about her attacks and makes it seem like nothing is wrong until you are at a vulnerable state. I think I could handle my anger using better methods like look beneath the anger. Psychologist Sherrie Bourg Carter describes

11 COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT ANALYSIS that anger as much of symptom as it is an emotion, ask yourself Whats going on for you? What does the anger help you discover about yourself? I do not want to change my behavior completely just alter it in minor ways that I find work best for me. I would not like to change Shelbys behavior because I feel she is just one of those difficult people that I was meant to deal with in life and learn from. I am very comfortable with saying how I feel, and I express my true feelings to people in many verbal and nonverbal actions. My personality and confidence has grown so much over the last 3 years since High School that sharing how I feel has never been easier for me. VII. Solutions As much as I want to say that Shelby has gotten what she deserved I know there are ways I could have handled this situation better. I tried so many conflict resolution skills with this girl I just got frustrated and snapped. I should have handled this situation with Shelby last year when she first started getting on my nerves. The excitement of moving into a house got the best of me and quite frankly she was a last resort to fill the last room. I could have expressed to the other roommates my intense concern of her living with us and the problems I sensed were coming. I never tried actually sitting down with Shelby and explaining in black and white why she made me so angry but I would not like to try this because I believe that you cannot teach common sense. There are so many other solutions I have not tried but I feel that she has crossed the line and there is no turning back for her. Whats done is done and I want no further involvement with her. There is absolutely nothing I can do to resolve this and large amount of money couldnt even make me think twice. We are as close to compromising that we will ever be. I do not know what she might consider a win-win situation, maybe we are in one right now and I dont even know it.

12 COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT ANALYSIS If Shelby feels that moving out is winning, I am completely okay with that compromise. I am satisfied with the current outcome of this conflict and have learned all I can from it.

VIII. Prevention I touched a little bit on this concept already but I do believe this conflict could have been prevented. I should have never introduced Shelby to people that I cared about and invited her to live in my house knowing the issues I would have to deal with on a day to day basis. I think I have a better judgment of character after dealing with this conflict and future situations will benefit from this. I will also prevent this from happening by dealing with small conflicts right away instead of letting them get out of control. Ive learn through the history of this conflict who my real friends are. I have me some amazing people at Kent State that I will keep in touch with for a very long time, Shelby just happens to not be one of them. In the future I am going to make sure there are a better balance of powers and an understanding that we are both in agreement of similar goals. I have no problem collaborating in the future to better manage conflicts but it depends on how the other person approaches me as well. Even if someone approaches me in a negative way I can try to point out that there are other options that can allow both of us to meet our goals and in the end win! For me, Conflict is a tool box. I have all the tools necessary to fix the problem its just finding the one that will work best.

13 COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT ANALYSIS References

Journal Article Levine, M. (2011). Third parties, violence, and conflict resolution. The role of group size and collective action in the micro regulation of violence, 22, 306-412. Doi:10.1177/0956797611398495 Books Rummel, R. J. (1976). Understanding conflict and war: The conflict helix Vol.2. Beverly Hills, California: Sage Publications.

Thomas, Kenneth, (1976). Handbook of Industrial & Organizational Psychology, "Conflict & Conflict Management." Chicago: Rand McNally.

West, R. & Turner, H. L. (2010). Introduction communication theory. Analysis application 4th ed. New York, New York: McGraw Hill Companies, Inc.

Wilmot, W. & Hocker, J. (2011). Interpersonal Conflict, 8th ed. New York, New York: McGraw Hill Companies, Inc. Websites Mitchell, C.R., Ph.D.(July 1st 2010).Goals and Interests. Conflict Management, http://www.csun.edu/~hfmgt001/goals-interests.htm

Boyd, D.S., (May 1994).Conflict Solutions. Put yourself in someone elses shoes, http://www.isa.org/~sarni/put_yourself.htm

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Lenski, T. (1997). Venting anger. A good habit to break. http://lenski.com/blog/venting-angergoodhabit-to-break/