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U
lysses S. Grant was put on this Earth to do two things:
kick ass and drink booze, and he will never run out of
booze, so you can assume he’ll be sink-pissingly drunk
for his bout with you. Also, saying that he was put on this Earth only
to do two things isn’t an exaggeration; Grant was a failure at liter-
ally everything else he tried to do, including presidenting. He was
never a great student, he was never an athlete, and didn’t have many
friends. He wasn’t a terrific communicator, and as president didn’t
make enough of an impact to make a dent in any historical polls.
Grant wasn’t even a solid military strategist, which is probably
why he won so much. What Grant had, and what almost any great
general needs, was a deep, natural, and impossible-to-quantify in-
stinct for war. It is an unteachable skill that combines instinct with
practicality and total ruthlessness, and Grant had it in spades. He
never so much as picked up a book on strategy, and never made any
will take place on horse-or sharkback, there’s very little this book
can do for you. If not, leave the animals out, because Grant had a
real soft spot for them.
Grant was rejected by both of his parents and not liked by the
other people in his age group (his nickname before the “Little Beauty”
was “Useless”), so he turned to animals. He rode and loved horses
and spent all of his time outside, bonding with and talking to animals,
the only things that couldn’t reject him or ask him why his balls were
so weird. He loved animals so much that, when he caught a teamster
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