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rails of the smooth paving Interrupted intermittently by the rude rumbles on either side Irritating and intertwining with the tinnitus in my ears Glan e down at the speedometer and turning the amp down on Biggie !ensing among the sullen roads a amped out piggy "ightening up on the pedal so the needle sin#s under $ear the thunder after lightning brea#s the dar#ness !wiftly swigging my strawberry sha#e and swishing it around before swallowing %eel a thud under my white and bla # spotted !ebring Grima ing& slither out of the tan# of destru tion ' poor s(uirrel lying on its bro#en ba # Bones shattered and nuts s attered "onely s(uirrel buddies and hungry newborns !tamped on the road a fresh pie e of road #ill %resh as a newly ba#ed rhubarb pie in the window sill Need to find a way to put it into reverse )o allow the fallen buddy to limb up another tree
*st revision: I get into my new "amborghini and leave that old li(uor sha # )he ar dan es from side to side as it progresses through the foothills of the mountain Interrupted in an instant by the startling strips on ea h side +ven more annoying than the ringing in my ears, )urning down the volume on the rap song about the poli e& When I am reminded to glan e down at the speedometer)he red needle autions as it is pointing dire tly at .*// m-p-h-0 )he lightning beat the thunder 1ust as always 's I am lightening up on the pedal 1ust before the op sees me !wiftly swigging my strawberry sha#e and swishing it around before swallowing&
When suddenly the ar pops up into the air li#e a ground ball finding a ro # and 1umping for nuts Grima ing& slither out of the not2so2new ar anymore' damn s(uirrel s(uirming around )he bumper smashed in )he silver paint s raped off )he value lowered )he horrible misfortune Need to find a way to put it into reverse )o allow the speed bump to be fully flattened
3nd revision: I get into my new "amborghini and leave that old li(uor sha # filled of igar smo#e)he ar dan es from side to side as it progresses through the foothills of the mountain Interrupted in an instant by the startling strips on ea h side ma#ing my whole ar vibrate +ven more annoying than the ringing in my ears, )urning down the volume on the rap song about the poli e& When I am reminded to glan e down at the speedometer)he red needle autions as it is pointing dire tly at .*// m-p-h-0 )he bright flash of lightning beat the obnoxious grumbling thunder 1ust as always 's I am lightening up on the pedal 1ust before the op sees me !wiftly swigging my reamy deli ious strawberry sha#e and swishing it around before swallowing& When suddenly the ar pops up into the air li#e a ground ball finding a ro # and 1umping for nuts Grima ing and lut hing my ailing head& slither out of the not2so2new ar anymore' damn s(uirrel s(uirming around )he bumper smashed in )he silver paint s raped off )he value lowered )he horrible misfortune Need to find a way to put it into reverse )o allow the speed bump to be fully flattened
4rd revision:
I get into my new "amborghini5 and leave that old li(uor sha # filled of igar smo#e)he ar dan es from side to side as it progresses through the foothills of the mountain Interrupted in an instant by the startling strips on ea h side ma#ing my whole ar vibrate +ven more annoying than the ringing in my ears, )urning down the volume on the rap song about the poli e& When I am reminded to glan e down at the speedometer)he red needle autions as it is pointing dire tly at .*// m-p-h-0 )he bright flash of lightning beat the obnoxious grumbling thunder 1ust as always 's I am lightening up on the pedal 1ust before the op sees me !wiftly swigging my reamy deli ious strawberry sha#e and swishing it around before swallowing& When suddenly the ar pops up into the air li#e a ground ball finding a ro # and 1umping for nuts55 Grima ing and lut hing my ailing head& slither out of the not2so2new ar anymore' damn s(uirrel s(uirming around )he bumper smashed in )he silver paint s raped off )he value lowered )he horrible misfortune Need to find a way to put it into reverse )o allow the speed bump to be fully flattened 5Behind the s enes note2 ' !ebring was originally the vehi le- But that an be viewed as a family vehi le& often used selflessly su h as for giving rides to multiple messy and noisy #ids to so er pra ti e- )he "amborghini was hosen instead to be viewed as a nar issisti symbol of using an ex essive amount of money on something that has no benefit to others and an often be a detriment with the very small spa e for other people to fit in55%or anybody that has played baseball& you would understand there is a painful omparison between the ar hitting the s(uirrel who was going for nuts to a baseball on a field that hits a ro # and pops up in the same manner usually headed right for the rot h in what inevitably seems to be loo#ing for its own nuts' ouple of my goals for the first revision were to slow down the a tions and to be mu h more spe ifi and avoid generali6ations- In the first line I slow it down a little but by mentioning the exa t type of ar and des ribing the type of pla e I was at rather than 1ust giving it a mysterious name- In the next line& I use more a tive words and give a better des ription of the setting where the ar is at- In the next stan6a I gave a spe ifi speed and said the needle was pointing dire tly at *// m-p-h- )hat gives a spe ifi image of the "amborghini speeding through the foothills and hints at danger ahead- 'll of these hanges had a ni e effe t of reating spe ifi imagery rather than sto # images- 'nother goal of this revision was to hange the point of view to see if it ould be more effe tive- In the original poem& I had a guilty and sad feeling of hitting the s(uirrel- In this revision& I hange the point of view to one of anger and blame towards the s(uirrel for being in the road- I hange the line about the tan# of destru tion to the "amborghini that has been damaged- )he hange from the !ebring to the "amborghini highlights this hange in attitude- I use en1ambment to slow down this part of the driver slithering out to show the pain in moving and the pain also of admitting that the "amborghini has also ta#en a hit- In the fourth stan6a through the end of the poem I ontinued the shift from the s(uirrels health to the ar- )he driver is more on erned with the damage to the ar and the value being lowered
than the in1ured animal- Instead of wanting to reverse to ta#e ba # hitting the s(uirrel& he wants to reverse to run over the s(uirrel again whi h is 1ust referred to a speed bump- )he hanges in attitude definitely gave the poem a different point of view that I was loo#ing for- Whether it made it better or worse is up to the reader to de ide- I thin# either point of view ould wor# although Id favor the sympatheti attitude of the original version- I also de ided to play with the sounds of the poem a little bit to add some but also ta#e some away where I felt li#e it sa rifi ed the poem being genuine for a rhyme- )he .pop0 is onomatopoeia that added some sound to the poem and emphasi6e this ru ial moment in the poem- I added the alliteration of the s(uirrel s(uirming- I also too# out some rhymes that I miss a little bit but I feel the overall sound with the overall ontent of the poem is improved with the additions and deletions of sound that were made- 7y goal for this revision was to reate synesthesia- I felt with everything happening in this poem that it was la #ing the ability to attra t the senses into the poem- I a omplished this by adding the igar smo#e& the ar vibrating& the lightning flashing and thunder grumbling& the reamy deli ious sha#e& and the ailing head- I added all of the senses into the poem and it gave the feeling of experien ing the poem rather than 1ust reading about itIn my third revision& I wanted to explain a ouple s enarios in more depth- I wanted to avoid explaining during the poem li#e was mentioned in lass last wee#- I had as#ed 8raig Blais about his use of footnotes and I was intrigued to try his method- I li#ed explaining myself and feel that it gives the reader some extra insight without disturbing the flow of the poem so I feel that the footnote experien e was a su ess-