You are on page 1of 4

Barry Sanders 5 versions Original: Running down the field juking and spinning Flashing his incredible strength

and agility Making something of nothing is his greatest ability The lions in battle for the jungle and winning leven men converging in on the silver and blue On other side emerging! how does he sliver on through" #hy he runs away from the game is a mystery $ust before inscribing his name on history #ay beyond humble! to us it%s weird &is elusiveness leaves him still disappeared 'ofter on his feet than (r) 'choll%s Turn on the T*! he%s in commercials+ ,rint on his paws is truly one of a kind -eed to pause the highlights and rewind

.st revision: 'treaking down the lush turf juking and spinning! &e flashes his incredible strength and agility) Making e/pert defenders look foolish is his greatest ability) The ferocious lions in battle for the jungle and winning! leven men converge on the silver and blue) The print on his paws is truly one of a kind) #ow+ ,ause the highlights and rewind) On other side emerging! how does he sliver on through" #hy he runs away from the fun game is a mystery) 'ofter on his nimble feet than (r) 'choll%s! #ay beyond humble! to us it%s weird) &is elusiveness leaves him disappeared) On the brink of inscribing his name on history! Turn on the T*! he%s in commercials+

0nd revision:

'treaking down the turf juking and spinning! &e flashes his incredible strength and agility) Making e/pert defenders look foolish is his greatest ability) The ferocious lions in battle for the jungle and winning! leven men converge on the silver and blue) The print on his paws is truly one of a kind) #ow+ ,ause the highlights and rewind) On other side emerging! how does he sliver on through" #hy he runs away from the fun game is a mystery) 'ofter on his nimble feet than (r) 'choll%s! #ay beyond humble! to us it%s weird) &is elusiveness leaves him disappeared) On the brink of inscribing his name on history! Turn on the T*! he%s in commercials+

1rd revision: 'treaking down the turf juking and spinning! he flashes his incredible strength and agility) Making e/pert defenders look foolish is his greatest ability) The ferocious lions in battle for the jungle and winning! eleven men converge on the silver and blue) The print on his paws is truly one of a kind) #ow+ ,ause the highlights and rewind) On other side emerging! how does he sliver on through" #hy he runs away from the fun game is a mystery) 'ofter on his nimble feet than (r) 'choll%s! way beyond humble! to us it%s weird) &is elusiveness leaves him disappeared) On the brink of inscribing his name on history! Turn on the T*! he%s in commercials+

2th revision: 'treaking down the sideline) $uking and spinning!

spinning and juking! juking and spinning) &e flashes his incredible strength and agility) Making e/pert defenders look foolish is his greatest ability) The ferocious lions in battle for the jungle and winning! leven men converge on the silver and blue) The print on his paws is truly one of a kind) #ow+ ,ause the highlights and rewind) $uking and spinning! spinning and juking) On other side emerging! how does he sliver on through" #hy he runs away from the fun game is a mystery) 'ofter on his nimble feet than (r) 'choll%s! #ay beyond humble! to us it%s weird) &is elusiveness leaves him disappeared) On the brink of inscribing his name on history! Turn on the T*! he%s in commercials+ This poem was an assignment that 3 copied the sound of the sonnet 4the rites for 5ousin *it6 by incorporating the same rhyme pattern of the fourteen verses) For my first revision 3 went through and varied the structure more to improve the synta/) One e/ample was the first verse started with running! the second with flashing! and the third with making) 3 switched the second line to 4he flashes6 instead) 3 removed a couple lines because they were figures of speech and clich7s) 3 had 4making something out of nothing6 and 4appearing out of nowhere6 that 3 took out) 3 also took out 4wishing6 for it being too abstract) 3 made sure to put as much action and concrete words that 3 could fit in) 3 went in and put modifiers ne/t to the noun after 3 was done to also improve the synta/) /amples are lush turf! e/pert defenders! ferocious lions! and nimble feet) 3 didn8t reali9e at first that these descriptive words were lacking until 3 went through and checked but after making those changes the synta/ and diction were greatly improved) 3 also took the form of the stan9as away that 3 used to imitate 4the rites for 5ousin *it)6 For the second revision! 3 wanted to change the line structure so that not every line was end: stopped) 3 enjambed several of the lines) 3t was difficult to decide where to enjamb them) 3 did not notice any places where it would enhance the poem) 3 kept with the process and then re:read the poem) My favorite lines were the ones that 3 did not mess with) 3 actually did not like this revision at all) 3 liked the poem much better with all of the lines end:stopped) 3t could be since the content is more like biographical facts that it reads better with the longer lines) 3 also removed the adjective lush from turf in the first line because 3 remember a comment in class that it was redundant to call the turf lush) For my third revision! 3 tried to write more of a prose version to see what effect that had) 3 did prefer these longer lines slightly) 3t allowed the ideas to finish without being cut off which worked with this reading like an upbeat resume) 3 was a little concerned that the rhymes would be lost amongst these long lines) 3 ended up liking the effect it had on the rhymes) This is probably due to the rhyme pattern 3 imitated) 3t was not just lines rhyming with previous lines) 'ometimes the rhyme would have to wait 1 or 2 lines) #ith the longer lines! it made those rhymes seem closer together) For my fourth revision! 3 wanted to see if there was a way 3 could match the form with the content even better than my previous two attempts) 3 felt like there was something to be done with the beginning) 3 changed the beginning to streaking down the sideline and broke it up so that it looked like it was streaking down the page! yet in an organi9ed manner) -e/t 3 repeated the line juking and spinning but switched it to spinning and juking then back to juking and spinning) This matched his style of turning defenders around several times) 3t also lined up nicely with the .st 1 lines and the 0nd 1 lines aligning like the 0 sets of hash marks on a sideline) Then after it said rewind! 3 went back to the highlight part and repeated the juking

and spinning! spinning and juking like the tape was rewound and played again) The line that says on other side emerging! 3 chose to indent that to the right to show that he emerged on the other side of the lines on the paper! just as he does to the defenses) This revision was definitely my favorite and 3 feel that it does an e/cellent job of matching the form of the poem with the content)

Related Interests