How to Teach a Child to Argue

Why would any sane parent teach his kids to talk back? Because, this father found, it actually increased family harmony. By Jay Heinrichs *Those of you who dont ha e perfect children will find this familiar! While " was in a bank lobby, my #$year$old dau%hter chose to throw a temper tantrum, screamin% and writhin% on the floor. " %a e &orothy a disappointed look and said, 'That ar%ument wont work, sweetheart. "t isnt pathetic enou%h.( )he blinked a couple of times and picked herself up off the floor, poutin% but *uiet.* *'What did you say to her?( a woman asked. " e+plained that 'pathetic( was a term used in rhetoric, the ancient ,reek art of ar%ument. " had happened across the sub-ect one rainy day in a library and become instantly obsessed. .s a result &orothy had learned almost from birth that a %ood persuader doesnt merely e+press her own emotions/ she manipulates her audience. 0e, in other words.*

to throw a temper tantrum- to whine and behave badly writhing- squirming pathetic- sad, usually in a shameful way

ancient- very old to persuade- convince to manipulate- to control, often like a person controls a puppet

*1nder my instruction in the years that followed, &orothy and her youn%er brother, ,eor%e, became alarmin%ly persuasive. " e worked hard at makin% my kids %ood at ar%uin%. Why on earth would any parent want that? Because persuasion is powerful. "t was a staple of education until the early 2344s, teachin% societys elite how to debate, make public decisions, and reach a%reements. "t probably e+plains how the foundin% fathers mana%ed to car e a nation out of 25 s*uabblin% colonies.* *.nd lets face it! 6ur culture has lost the ability to usefully disagree. 0ost .mericans seem to a oid argument.

staple- main / essential part to carve- to shape, create to squabble- to argue, usually in a childish way or about small,

unimportant things.

But this has produced %roupthink in the office, red and blue states, and families unable to discuss thin%s as simple as what to watch on tele ision. 7hetoric doesnt make kids sassy/ it makes them think about other points of iew. * *" had lon% e*uated ar%uin% with fi%htin%, but in rhetoric they are ery different thin%s. .n ar%ument is %ood/ a fi%ht is not. Whereas the %oal of a fi%ht is to dominate your opponent, in an ar%ument you succeed when you brin% your audience o er to your side. ,eor%e was at first a de otee of what rhetoricians call 'ar%ument by the stick.( .fter e ery fi%ht "d ask him, '&id you %et the other kid to a%ree with you?( 8 entually this *uestion made sense to him! "n the world of rhetoric, ar%ument by the stick is no ar%ument. "t ne er persuades, it only makes others want re en%e. To disa%ree reasonably, one must learn the three basic tools of ar%ument! logos, ethos, and pathos. * *Logos is argument by logic. "f ar%uments were children, lo%os would be the brainy one, the bi% sister who %ets the best %rades in school. 9orcin% my kids to be lo%ical forced them to connect what they wanted with the reasons they %a e. '0ary wont let me play with the car.( 'Why should she?( 'Because shes a pi%.( ')o 0ary should %i e you the car because shes a pi%?( 7epeat the kids premise :shes bein% a pi%; with her conclusion :therefore she should let me play with the car;, and she has to think lo%ically. * *Ethos, or argument by character, uses the persuaders personality, reputation, and ability to look trustworthy.

groupthink- thinking only like others or without creativity sassy- rude, disrespectful (informal) to dominate- to control, defeat audience- public, observers devotee- follower, supporter

revenge- to get even

logos

premise- theory, idea

ethos trustworthy- honest

:While lo%os worries about its %rades, ethos %ets elected class president.; 0y kids learned early on that a sterlin% reputation is more than -ust %ood/ its persuasi e. "n rhetoric, lyin% isnt -ust a mistake because its wron%, but because its unpersuasi e. . parent is more likely to belie e a trustworthy kid and to accept her ar%ument. 9or e+ample, if two children say they didnt eat the last cookie, ethos becomes important. 0e! '6ne of you took the cookie.( &orothy! 'Ha e " e er stolen cookies before?( 0e! ',ood point. ,eor%e?(* *Then theres pathos, argument by emotion. "ts the siblin% who %ets away with e erythin% by skillfully playin% on heartstrin%s. "n rhetorical lin%o, &orothys tantrum wasnt 'pathetic( enou%h, because she was thinkin% too much about her own feelin%s and therefore failin% to manipulate mine. <athos happens to be the root word for 'sympathy.( When a kid learns to read your emotions and play them like an instrument, youre raisin% a %ood persuader.* *=o%os, ethos, and pathos appeal to the brain, %ut, and heart of adult and kid alike. While our brain tries to sort the facts, our %ut tells us whether we can trust the other person, and our heart makes us want to do somethin% about it. Theyre the soul of effecti e persuasion. When my children made an honest attempt to persuade me to let them watch tele ision, for instance, " %a e in whene er possible! The win felt doubly rewardin% to them. They %ot to watch their show, and they en-oyed ha in% earned it.* *0y kids %rew so fond of debate, in fact, that they ar%ued with the T> itself. '. doll that %oes to the bathroom? " ha e a brother who does that.( "t was as if "d %i en them ad ertisin% immuni?ation shots. "ndeed, as my children %et older and more persuasi e, " find myself losin% more ar%uments than " win. They dri e me

cra?y. They make me proud.*

sterling- perfect, clean (sterling silver)

pathos playing on heartstrings / tugging heartstringscontrolling others emotions, making them emotional

to appeal to- to please

effective- successful, useful