Chapter 1- Listening and Parenting

By: Nicole Mielke

Introduction
Listening to a child is one of lifes great feel good moments (Mcleod, 2008). However, it is rare that a parent understands what it means to really listen to a child. Although this concept is a difficult one to grasp, it is vital for parents to be good listeners. This is true for many reasons, which will be explored further in this chapter. It is vital for parents and future parents to be educated on this issue because generally, parents are the most influential people in the lives of their children. If a parent is a good listener, his or her children can learn from and mirror their positive listening behaviors. In addition, parents who are effective listeners impact the personality and behaviors of their children. Whether you are currently a parent or plan to be one in the future, the information and strategies presented in this chapter will be of value to you. This chapter will help you become a better parent and help your children reach their fullest potential. Conversely, to simply listen to another persons story, without judgment or agenda, is to understand the mystery of how, in our uniqueness, we are all inextricably connected the connection between two people who see and hear each other is the deepest bond of all. How simple. Gerry Fewster

Chapter 1- Listening and Parenting

Self-Assessment
In order to improve your listening effectiveness as a whole, you must first understand the areas of listening that need the most improvement. Below is a self-assessment from the Harvard School of Business. Please complete this prior to reading the remainder of the chapter. When you have completed the assessment, tally your score and pay careful attention to the areas in the chapter that address your weaknesses.

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Why Should We Listen to Children?

Listening is a Gift
Throughout their lifetime, children will receive many gifts. Perhaps the greatest gift a parent can give their children, however, is the gift of listening. Listening is the gift of freedom (Fewster, 2002). This is because we are free to express our thoughts, feelings, fears, and dreams when someone else is listening. This is an amazing and irreplaceable gift in any relationship. A parent and child relationship is no exception. If you would like to give one of lifes greatest gifts to a child, all you have to do is listen.

Listening Encourages Sharing

The more an adult listens to a child, the more willing they will be to share valuable information in the future (Smith, 2006). Smith conducted a study that looked at school aged children. For ten weeks, these children met with adults for a half an hour in which both parties engaged in a talking and listening session. The results were as follows: The study showed that the focused attention of a
trusted adult provided children with opportunities to communicate, notably disclosing child protection issues that may otherwise have remained uninvestigated. (Smith, 2006).

Overall, the results of the study showed that skilled listeners have a significant effect on a childs level of disclosure (Smith, 2006). As a parent, it is therefore important that you take the time to listen to children because if there is a dramatic situation or concern that a child is faced with, you will be the first person they reach out for. By listening, a parent can stimulate this open communication. We become selective in what we hear and judgmental in our responses so that others become equally selective in what they will share. Gerry Fewster

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Listening Establishes Habits

Parents have an immense impact on the way their children act and how they will continue to act in the future. Parents serve as role models in this respect. This modeling applies to listening as well. Demonstrating effective listening behaviors allows children to, establish the lifelong listening habits valued in society. (Jalongo, 2010). Children will only learn to be good listeners when they are taught from and observe their parents.

Effects on Behavior
When a parent dedicates time and focuses energy on listening to a child, their overall behavior may improve. This happens in two ways. First, listening helps a parent reinforce their legitimate power (Coram, Moss, 2005). Children will find it harder to resist the power their parent has over them when they feel as though their voice is being heard. This is because children will feel that they are powerful and have an impact on the situation when they are able to share their thoughts, feelings, and ideas. This perceived power makes them less likely to lash out and attempt to overpower their parent, making them less likely to engage in a power struggle. Secondly, listening is a democratic process (Coram, Moss, 2005). By allowing a child to adequately express themselves in all situations, they feel as though they have a direct effect on their decisions and actions. Children will feel empowered enough to choose the right thing when a parent listens instead of demanding a particular behavior. The parent and child can work together to make a decision throughout the conversation. When a child feels as though he or she had a choice in developing a course of action, with the guidance of their parents, they will want to make the right decisions in the future. Their behavior will be positive because they were democratically advised by their parents, while at the same time feeling like they have reached the
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decision independently. As shared by the Park West Cooperative Nursery School, children need to construct knowledge for themselves by being actively involved in constructing knowledge. (Park West Cooperative Nursery School, 2012). Parents can stimulate this construction of knowledge by listening and acknowledging a childs input.

Effects on Personality
Children who are listened to are usually well adjusted and self-confident, while those whose needs are ignored may be withdrawn or difficult and suffer from low self-esteem. (NSPCC, 2011). Listening to a child goes far beyond outward expressions. Children can be affected, for better or for worse, internally when their parents do not listen. As shared by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), confidence and self- esteem are qualities that correlate with parental listening. Parents need to be aware of this. Perceptions of self-worth are developed from many parental behaviors, listening being one. A parent needs to be an influential force in developing self-esteem. This can be done through listening. Children who are listened to and whose opinions are considered while making decisions are more respectful of the needs of others (Ormrod, 2008). When children contribute to the simple act of listening to the uncensored story of another soul is to offer a rare and treasured gift. To be truly heard is to know that our thoughts and feelings, dreams and fears can be expressed and known; that who we really are has a place in this world. It is a gift of freedom. Gerry Fewster

family decisions and feel that their opinions are regularly heard, they will be more likely to take the opinions of others into consideration in other areas of life. By listening, parents can instill a behavior that permits children to be aware and sensitive to the thoughts of others. Children will be better able to handle frustration when their parents show interest in their lives (Ormrod, 2008). Parents should listen carefully and often in order to equip them with the

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attitude and skills to handle unpredictable frustrations that occur throughout their lifetime. This is a fundamental life skill that can be taught and developed through listening.

Long Term Ramifications

A parent who is an effective listener can have a lasting impact on a child. Stephen Duncan, professor at Brigham Young University states, Careful listening is one of the best ways parents can influence their children for good. (Duncan, 2009). For example, children who are simply listened to will become better problem-solvers in all areas of their life (Hacker, 2008). If a child shares a problem, and a parent is quick to offer a solution, children do not have the opportunity to solve the problem themselves. Parents are so eager to interject their thoughts and opinions regarding a situation that the child does not have time to think through the situation themself (Duncan, 2000). For example, if a child is upset that a friend stole a toy from him, the expected parental response would be to express the importance of sharing with the child. The scenario would be more beneficial to the child if the parent first listened, and then led the child to solve the problem on their own. This significant life skill can be taught at an early age and can be ingrained in a childs mind to use again in the future. The best way for a child to grow up to be a good listener as an adult is to observe the behavior of their parents. Children typically learn their earliest lessons about their cultures standards and expectations for behavior from parents and other family members. (Ormrod, 2008). If a parent models appropriate listening behavior, children will do so throughout their lives as well. For some children, observing the way their parents listen may be the only listening training they receive throughout their lifetime. For most children learning how to listen does not
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come naturally. Receptive communication is a behavior that needs to be exercised, strengthened, and positively reinforced. (Child Behavior Guide, 2009). When parents heed this advice, they can teach in their children the value of listening and the appropriate ways to do so. When this training is effective, listening skills will be enduring and hard to contradict.

Listening Strategies
Now that you have been presented with the important information regarding listening to children, and have been motivated to improve how you listen, the following listening strategies may help in your endeavor. The following are simple and impactful ways to better listen to children (Fewster, 2002), (Waitley, 2012). 1. Be there (body, mind, emotions) 2. Fully attuned and dedicated to listening 3. Forget about what you should be doing instead 4. Avoid the temptation to tell children what to do 5. Spend quality time together 6. Use the right words (How? Why? What? Why not?) 7. Monitor the nonverbal behaviors of yourself and of your child The following strategies encompass and require more dedication and effort in order to demonstrate, but are equally as important (Harris, 2006). These skills are helpful when listening to adults and children alike. They are included in this chapter because, when listening, children should be treated as respectfully as adults. 1. Listen to understand, not to respond- Effective listening goes beyond hearing

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someones words. Effective listening creates an environment where the other person feels that you understand them. 2. Be quiet- Being quiet gives you the opportunity to hear the words, the tone, and the meaning behind the words. It gives you the chance to observe the speakers body language.
A: If they are looking at their shoe or talking to someone else then they are not listening. They are in lala land!

Listening Advice from Children: Q: How can you tell if someone is listening?
A: When theyre being quiet and look like they are thinking inside. A: Because they look at me and talk to me after.

3. Let them finish their thoughts- Do not interrupt the speaker. 4. Maintain eye contact- Effective listening means observing everything about the speakers message. People communicate at least as much with their body language as they do with their words. Good listeners learn to listen with their eyes as well as with their ears. 5. Ask questions to ensure that you understand- Just because you heard the words and observed the body language; do not assume that you understand. If a particular point is unclear to you, ask a question to clarify it before you respond. Even if you think you understand the message, make sure you do by clarifying it with the speaker (Harris, 2006).

Listening Advice from Parents:

Before I tuck the children into bed, we have a ten minute worry time chat. They look forward to telling me all about their day, including the good bits, as well as any problems.

Summary
Parents are influential in developing the personalities of their children and are responsible for inducing appropriate behavior. By simply being an effective listener, parents can have a positive and lasting impact on their children. Overall, parents should learn about and demonstrate effective listening behaviors so that children can emulate their behavior.
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Discussion Questions
1. Which of the listening strategies in this chapter do you find most important and effective? 2. Recall a time where you sincerely took the time to listen to a child. What were the results? 3. Do you feel that your parents were good listeners when you were a child? If so, how did it enhance your childhood? If not, what detrimental effects did it have? 4. Reanalyze the results of your self-assessment on page 2. Using the information presented in this chapter, what can you do to improve on the low scoring areas?

What people really need is a good listening to. - Mary Renck Jalongo, Ph.D.

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References
Child Behavior Guide. (2009). Improving your childs poor listening skills. Retrieved December 5, 2012 from, http://www.child-behavior-guide.com/listening-skills.html. Coram, T., Moss, P. (2005). Listening to young children- Beyond rights to ethics. Retrieved December 6, 2012 from, http://www.educationscotland.gov.uk/images/listeningtochildren_tcm4-324433.pdf. Duncan, S. (2009). Listening to children with head and heart. Retrieved December 6, 2012 from, http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=41. Fewster, G. (2002). The hardest advice: Listen to your kids. Journal of Child and Youth Care. Retrieved November 28, 2012 from, http://www.cyc-net.org/cyc-online/cycol-1103fewster.html. Hacker, B. (2008). Parenting and listening skills. Parenting Methods. Retrieved December 5, 2012 from, http://suite101.com/article/parenting-listening-skills-a63241. Harris, G. (2006). Listen more speak less- 5 steps to better listening. Inside Indiana Business. Retrieved December 5, 2012 from, http://www.insideindianabusiness.com/contributors.asp?id=718. Harvard Business School Publishing. (2004). Active listening self-assessment. Retrieved December 5, 2012 from, http://academy.clevelandclinic.org/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=EVxj3eIS6iE%3D&tabid= 1800. Jalongo, M. (2010). Listening in early childhood: An interdisciplinary review of the literature. Retrieved December 5, 2012 from, http://www.listen.org/Resources/Documents/jalongo.pdf.
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Mcleod, A. (2008). Listening to children- A practitioners guide. Retrieved December 6, 2012 from, http://www.jkp.com/catalogue/book/9781843105497/contents/. National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. (2011). Listening to children. Retrieved December 5, 2012 from, http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parentsand-carers/guides-for-parents/listening-to-children/listening-to-childrenpdf_wdf90723.pdf. Ormrod, J. (2008). Personality development. Retrieved December 8, 2012 from, http://www.education.com/reference/article/personality-development/?page=2. Park West Cooperative Nursery School. (2012). On listening to children. Retrieved December 6, 2012 from, http://www.parkwestcoop.org/?on-listening-to-children,56. Smith, L. (2006). What effect does listening to individual children have on their learning?. Pastoral Care in Education. Retrieved December 5, 2012 from, http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1468-0122.2006.00388.x/abstract/. Waitley, D. (2012). Take a moment to listen. Retrieved November 28, 2012 from, http://www.bernardvanleer.org/files/chetna/Child_rights_booklet-8.pdf.

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