The Little White Book of Wedding Planning Wisdom

Introduction

When I started writing this book, I had never been married nor engaged; however, I knew a proposal was coming, and I had teased Matthew, my then-boyfriend of nine years, that I had two introductions planned: one in which I got to talk about planning my own wedding, and one in which I didn’t.

Hint hint.

But he didn’t need the hint; he’d already bought the ring. On the last day of summer 2014, he lit every candle we owned, got down on one knee in our living room, and the rest is history.

And so here I am, writing a book about wedding planning as I dive into my own plans. In an effort to be completely honest, I’ll let you know that I’m not a wedding planner by trade. However, after writing this book, everything so far has been be a breeze! (Knock on wood.) I’ve asked all the questions I’ve told you to ask, I’ve followed all my own advice, and I’m attempting to go against the grain and tradition as often as I can. Hopefully you and I will get through this together without any disasters or too many tears!

This book is small—too small to contain every little bit of information you’ll need while you plan. I haven’t included lists of flower types and in which seasons they bloom; I haven’t created a complete checklist for your day-of emergency kit; I haven’t provided you with every single itty-bitty step of the process. Think of this book as a good starting point, an overview.

If you’re the type of bride who simply wants to get some ideas and then take off on her own, this book is for you. If you’re the type of person who likes to buck tradition, I have tried my best to give you some alternatives to the expectations that surround the typical wedding. I have also tried to make this book all-inclusive. I want every type of bride marrying the love of her life to be able to use this book. (All bridesmaids, bridesmen, groomsgals, groomsmen, best men, best women, and maids/matrons/men of honor are also welcome to flip through the pages while helping their brides and grooms plan for their big day.)

I am also making the grand assumption that you’re reading this book because you’re planning your first wedding. However, we all know what happens when we assume . . . and I do hope that if this is your second or third or even fourth celebration, there’s still something in here that maybe you didn’t think of the first time or a new idea that you can play with and make your own.

As you read, you’ll find that I’ve incorporated a variety of quotes throughout the book. Some are from celebrities or professional wedding/event planners, and others are from men and women like you and me. These former brides and grooms (current husbands and wives) have been through it all and have volunteered, via social media, to help us on our journeys by sharing tips and lessons they learned during their own planning processes.

Whether the advice is on love, marriage, or weddings or comes from Emily Bronte, Vera Wang, Christina M. in Florida, or me, I hope you find it helpful. I hope your wedding planning process is painless, exciting, and fun. And I hope you realize that you really shouldn’t sweat the small stuff—if a napkin is folded incorrectly or a centerpiece is off-center, you’re most likely going to be the only one who notices. Focus on the big stuff: you’re getting married! Enjoy it and everything that comes with it!

Congratulations, and good luck!

1

The Engagement

Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

—EMILY BRONTE

• • •

For one of two reasons, you picked up this book: 1) you’re engaged (and, if so, a heartfelt congratulations to you is in order) or 2) you know someone who is (and you’ve been suckered into helping them plan the wedding-to-be).

Let’s assume for this chapter that you have a new ring on your finger and you’re dying to tell everyone about it and get the party (literally) started!

But before you book your dream venue, start arguments over napkin folding, and drag your fiancé or maid of honor all over town to listen to every local band known to man, let’s just take a deep breath and . . .

Enjoy the moment!

I realize that in today’s technological world, you have the ability to take a photo and upload it for the world to see while your guy or girl is still on one knee, but . . . that doesn’t mean you have to. If that’s going to make both of you happy, then go for it—post the photo, blog about the proposal, hashtag the hell out of every status you post for the next week.

However, many wedding resources stress the importance of taking the time to reflect on what’s happened before you share your big news with the world. I’m not telling you to rethink your acceptance of the proposal (although, you definitely want to make sure this is what you want before you say yes!), but spending a few hours (or even days, if you’re so inclined) with your fiancé dreaming up your perfect future and wondering who to share the news with first—and how—may be a good idea.

Remember, you’re getting married because you want to spend the rest of your lives together. You value the idea, practice, and act of marriage, and you want to show each other how much you love, respect, and honor one another other. You don’t need to prove your commitment or love to anyone else.

How to Break the News

After reality has sunk in, it’s time to share your news with those closest to you—unless you’ve already posted a zillion pictures on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook and have pinned your dream dress on Pinterest. In that case, everyone closest to you and those random friends you accepted because they seem interesting. And that person you haven’t spoken to since kindergarten? They already know.

If you haven’t documented your engagement online, take a more personal approach and call, Skype, or visit the people most important to you and who you feel will be the most supportive throughout the next several months or years. These may be family members—parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins—or best friends, neighbors, coworkers . . . anyone you think will be excited for the step you’re taking and who may be involved in the process.

Who’d You Tell First?

I immediately called my mom. . . . I think his parents already knew, and my parents already knew because he asked my dad permission first. I think he called his family the next day to tell them I said yes. —ARDI A.

Parents first, then everyone else. In person for close parents, and phone for far away parents. That’s how it was for us. —MARIE J.

My parents were away when he proposed, so the first people I told were my friends, another couple we had over for dinner. —BERNADETTE F.

We were at the beach for the weekend. It was like 11:30 p.m. and I called my mom bawling my eyes out. When I kept trying to say John proposed, I couldn’t get the words out and she thought something happened to John. She was like, ‘Lindsay, calm down! Where’s John!?’ We called his parents the next day because they go to bed early. —LINDSAY S.

No one in my family knew my fiancé was going to propose except my parents since he called the night before for permission. When we agreed to have thoughtful gifts on Christmas related to both being in school, we decided on poems to each other. The way he gathered my family’s attention before reading his poem got me suspicious. About halfway through the poem, my brother-in-law began recording the event on his phone including his kneel, my reaction, and the numerous vocal reactions of my family watching. We told my brother and his wife out of state by sending the video via text message; it was a wonderful way to include them in the special moment and tell the good news. —STACE K.

Once all the important people find out, then you should go crazy. Post the photos, write the blogs, hashtag your heart out. Just make sure your significant other is comfortable with all the attention, both online and off.

What about engagement photos and announcements?

Some couples (see also: some couples’ parents and grandparents) have always imagined that once this moment happened, they’d flipped through their local newspaper and see their smiling faces in print in the Weddings section. While this isn’t something everyone is doing these days, it could be a cute idea and makes a great keepsake if you’re a scrapbooker.

Regardless of whether that announcement is something you desire, you’re most likely considering the option of hiring a professional photographer to take engagement photographs to commemorate the occasion, use to build websites, stuff in wedding invites, and enlarge for your upcoming celebrations. If you’ve always secretly wanted to model, you have the money, and your fiancé supports the idea, then put some feelers out and find yourself a worthy photog. Just be sure you get your money’s worth—you want outfit changes, different venues/scenery, good lighting, the ability to reschedule if the weather is horrid, and a professional experience (give or take a variety of animals—my research turned up an engagement photo of a couple with a horse and a dog in the picture). Don’t hire the first person who promises to put you in front of a tree, hand you a hat, and tell you to smile wide. And don’t feel obligated to hire your fiancé’s sister’s son, who took a photography class in high school and sometimes still snaps photos with the lens on. Just because he dreams of working for National Geographic doesn’t mean he’s the right person to shoot these once-in-a-lifetime photos.

(Remember these things when you’re booking a wedding photographer, too! For more information on this part, see page 47.)

Once you have photographs you’re happy with, you can submit them to your hometown newspaper, college alumni magazines and newsletters, and even post them online—as long as you sign a release with the photographer. Technically, they own the rights to those photographs (they created them; you’re simply in them), so be sure they’re okay with you posting them on your personalized pages from sites such as OurWeddingDay.com or TheKnot.com.

Unless you’re having a short engagement, you can hold off on the formal Save the Dates at this point. The time to send those, as we’ll discuss later, is about one year before the actual date of the wedding.

Why isn’t she happy for me?

I wanted to take an honest approach to this book, so, here it is: it’s no secret women get jealous. And sometimes that jealousy gets in the way of their support, excitement, and genuine happiness when their girlfriends are engaged. Sure, men can be taken by a bit of envy from time to time, but for the most part, ladies, this issue is typically one that involves us.

So why is she not exactly thrilled? Maybe she’s been dating the same guy for almost ten years and he’s taking his sweet time with his proposal. Maybe she’s recently had a relationship fall through and she’s still hurting. Maybe she’s your older sister or cousin and she thought she’d be the first girl in the family to get married. Or maybe you’ve been best friends since grade school and news of your engagement has her worried that she’s losing you.

Either way, give her some time to get used to the idea and to see that, with or without her enthusiasm, it’s happening. In a few weeks, ask her to get drinks or coffee with you and talk it out, if possible.

Oh, and if she’s one of the women you were thinking of asking to be part of the wedding party, hold off for a little while just to make sure it’s a good match. She’ll probably come around, but if she doesn’t, you’ll regret that negative energy stinking up the place on your big day.

What if our families don’t know each other?

Though nearly 50 percent of all couples cohabitate before they get engaged or married, many of these couples’ parents have not yet met. If the couple—cohabitating or not—lives away from one or both sets of parents, it may be more than a little difficult to bring everyone together for holidays and special occasions—such as the celebration or announcement of your engagement.

If they haven’t met and they don’t live close enough to meet, one set should call the other. Traditionally, the groom’s parents would call the bride’s to show that they’re welcoming the bride into their family; however, traditions are broken and revamped every day, so it doesn’t matter who makes the call, so long as it’s made within two or three days of the announcement. Otherwise, one (or both) sets of parents may wonder if the other doesn’t agree with the marriage.

If your parents have never met but they’d like to and you have room to spare, you can plan a small get-together at your place—neutral territory—and ask them both to come meet in person shortly after you’ve shared the news of your engagement. If this isn’t possible, you can always wait until the engagement party, should you decide