The Naked Truth About Hedonism II, 3rd Edition: A Totally Unauthorized, Naughty but Nice Guide to Jamaica's Very Adult Resort

Introduction

Writing this 3rd edition required detailed research, such as the correct spelling of fellatio: Blowjob? BJ? Blow-job? Blow job? I’ve settled for one word because it appears so often here (and at the resort).

Travelocity tells you Hedonism II, called ‘Hedo’ by guests, is a resort set on 22 acres at the northern end of Negril’s 7-mile beach, about 55 miles west of Montego Bay in Jamaica. One prepaid price pays for your room, all meals, entertainment, tips, scuba and other water sports, and booze. Hotels.com has more than 100 nice photos of the property with youthful women and men bouncing around.

This book tells you what the internet won’t—what you can really expect at Hedo and how to make the most of your adventure. For the resort’s repeat offenders, this book is a trip down Mammary Lane. But Hedo is like the internet, where you survive on your cleverness, wit, and charm—not your bankroll, good looks, and reputation.

Some guests enjoy the company of their significant other exclusively. Yet others go to enjoy the myriad sexual escapades Hedo inspires. Sex is fun; but not all fun is sex. Hedo caters to everyone’s inner Peter Pan.

Some guests won’t tell friends and family they go to Hedo because the resort allows nudity and doesn’t discourage public sex, except by the water line, which is public. And some travel agents won’t recommend the resort because of its well-earned sordid reputation.

Hedo is like no other resort in the world, though, which accounts for its huge repeat clientele. Guests at Hedo experiment with whatever they consider exotic, be it floating naked on a raft, dancing on stage clad in a bedsheet before 500 people, or demonstrating how a plantain can reach a uvula.

Have no expectations when going to Hedo for the first time. If you buy into the rumors, you’ll be disappointed. Some of the myths promulgated by the media about Hedo are ridiculous, but truth is truth. Stories abound at Hedo, and I’ve collected some here. Some readers tell me they didn’t see what I describe in this book. What follows is a collection of events remembered from guests’ vacations over 30-plus years (those that still apply). If these events happened in one week, we’d pass out from exhaustion.

Hedo is unreal at times. But the resort is also a lot like the real world: filled with all types of people. Although this book describes some extreme examples, for most guests, Hedo is a lovely beach vacation with a spicy sauce added. The real difference between Hedo and other resorts is that the friends you make at Hedo you keep for a lifetime.

Irie,

Chris Santilli

Ode to Hedo II

By Dave from Atlanta

My wife and I are total wrecks.

My bamboo’s raw from all this sex.

She has a bruise down on her clit,

And who put that hickey on her tit?

My butt’s so full of sand and grit,

I scratch the bowl each time I shit.

I’m drunk as hell from all this rum.

I think that hot tub’s full of cum.

I’m brown as hell from all this sun.

I’m tired as hell from all this fun.

I wish this week would never end.

I just can’t wait to come again.

Chapter 1

Be Wrecked for a Week

If a man in a Greenville, S.C., bar says to a woman he knows, Nice tits! she’d think he was inappropriate or worse.

If a man standing at the nude bar at Hedonism II, an all-inclusive adults-only resort in Negril, Jamaica, says to a woman he knows, Nice tits! she’d push her shoulder blades down to her butt and say Thanks!

At Hedonism II, conversations flip social norms: A guest might say: I wonder what he looks like with clothes? Or: I’m so embarrassed they saw I had panties on.

Hedonism II is one of the last refuges for the non-politically correct. Expect lots of crude banter. It might not all sound in good taste, but so what? Where else can you ask a woman if ‘they’ are real and she shows you the scars, or you can make innuendos that would make Bill Clinton blush? People make comments at Hedo that would get them fired, sued, or shot in the States. If you are sensitive to vulgarity, you will be offended and think we are all loudmouth uncouth louts. You will be right, of course, but be forewarned.

—HedoHenry from Connecticut

Oh, I would never do that! That’s the first lie you tell yourself before that virgin trip to Hedonism II. Once there, you tell yourself a second lie: I’ll never see these people again so it doesn’t matter what I do. But you do see them again because the Hedo magnet pulls you back again and again. Anything as addictive as Hedo should have a Surgeon General’s warning, says Jim Matthew from Sheffield, Vt.

Hedonism II inspires enormous loyalty. No other resort has as cult-like a following as this resort. Jamaicans have called it ‘The Zoo.’ Cindy from Pennsylvania remarked upon re-entering Hedo that it was the only resort enclosed with a chain-link fence and barbed wire leaning in…hmmm…Trying to keep the animals in the zoo?

The annualized rate of repeat guest is about 70%, says Hotel Manager Donna Grant. Other hoteliers locally and overseas are always amazed at our repeat guest levels, she adds. The percentage of repeaters is declining not because of fewer repeat guests but because of overall increased occupancy since the new resort ownership in 2013. About 40% of guests on average are new to Hedo. But guests returning to Hedo more than 15 times is becoming the norm.

Warning, warning, warning, you are about to begin an adventure that will rob you of all your money and all your vacation time, says HedoHenry from Connecticut, who’s been to Hedo well over 20 times.

When I first went to Hedonism II, my husband didn’t even tell me the name of the place we were going until we were well in the air. He had only said we were going to an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica that offered scuba diving. When he told me about the place, I hit the ceiling. I thought we would not even be able to walk on the beach without stepping on copulating couples. We had a huge fight all the way to the resort, and I assured him he had ruined our vacation. We’ve been to our favorite place 46 times and made many friends over the years. Hedo is about laughter, friendship, and a bit about loosening your inhibitions.

—Jennifer from Atlanta

The Sandals Negril Resort warns its guests of activities next door at Hedonism II.

Loved for its nudity and lewdity

As Dorothy once said, There’s no place like Hedo; there’s no place like Hedo, as she clicked the heels of her thigh-high red patent leather boots together. But the resort really is a twisted Oz, with its cast of peculiar, wicked characters and colorful, fantastical happenings.

Where else can a chubby woman dress like Peter Pan and squeeze her equally chubby husband into a pink tutu as Tinkerbell—and be rewarded with cheers and a free week’s stay?

Where else can you go to eat dinner and be entertained by a tall blonde in leather, spanking a guy in a dog collar, as she commands bark like a dog, you little monkey-boy!?

Where else can a woman paint her husband’s penis like an elephant trunk during body painting and have six women line up to help him wash off the paint after the competition?

Hedo isn’t for everyone. Not everyone appreciates the public noodle frontity or the sensual atmosphere where inhibitions melt away.

On our first trip to Hedo, I stopped into the busy piano bar where I lingered with a Red Stripe. A fellow next to me nodded and smiled. I nodded and smiled back. We introduced ourselves and chatted briefly. Then he introduced his wife: This is my wife, Linda. Doesn’t she have nice tits? as he rubbed one of her breasts and teased her nipple. My mouth hung open a little. I agreed Linda was lovely and excused myself. I wasn’t in Kansas anymore and my mommy was calling.

—Chris from Florida

Hedo is the best place to be on your worst behavior, where you might hear the cheer 2...4...6...8...Everybody masturbate! Back home guests may be high-level professionals, but at Hedo they like life a little less refined and civilized.

A male friend can stare at a female friend’s girl parts, lick his lips, and jiggle his package—and everyone thinks he’s terribly funny. This behavior, considered boorish or lewd elsewhere, is normal at Hedo. Hedophiles will cheer on your husband as he attempts to attach a lasso nipple ring on another woman’s breast.

The first hour at Hedo I got the nerve up to fill up that mug with a Dirty Banana and venture to the nude pool. I eased into the water and suddenly someone sees the name on my mug. ‘Kirstin? From South Carolina?’ Within minutes I was introduced to a dozen people. I had my left nipple fluffed and photographed for the Left Nipple contest. And shortly thereafter I was placed on a raft and had rum cream poured all over my body so a bevy of people could lick it off. I had been sacrificed to the Hedo gods. I later learned that singing Joy to the World in the piano bar was harder for me than flashing my coochie to a bunch of strangers.

—Kirstin from South Carolina

Hedo is a kid camp for adults that’s about attitude, freedom, and giggles. Sex and booze only highlight the experience; they are not the main event. A 32-person squirt gun fight could erupt during dinner. Guests frequently say, only at Hedo does this %$@#! happen!

Tales from the Naked City

At lunch we chat up another couple who says they just swapped dom and sub roles in their sex play. The gal told us she’s discovered the pleasure of a butt plug with a jewel end. After detailing its use with a proud ‘butt plug this’ and ‘butt plug that,’ she asked if we’d like to see it. After a communal nod, she stood up and rather than reach for her purse on the table, she turned around and flipped up her skirt. Voilà! Bejeweled plug in place.

—Wayne from San Francisco

What you see at Hedo might not be what you think it is. The woman sucking her drink from a penis-shaped sippy bottle likely won’t perform that way with you. And that man with the inflatable sheep—he’s only a little perverted. First-time guests are often amazed by what goes on at Hedo:

I met swingers and was fascinated by their lifestyle. I went skinny dipping, which is a first. I saw people having outdoor sex in the hot tub. I manually stimulated a married woman to orgasm twice while her husband and everyone in the hot tub watched. I was surprised I did what I did, but I wouldn’t have sex with a married woman while her husband watched…. The people at Hedo are nicer than back home.

—Salvatore from Ridgefield, N.J.

Luxury isn’t what Hedo is all about, but the food quality is often more than adequate, the drinks top shelf (upon request), and rooms are updated. And Hedo is not only about Lifestylers and late-night sex in the hot tub or playroom either. One guest says: Hedo is a party in a paper bag on a rainy day.

A woman who stays on the clothing-optional prude beach under the trees says Hedo is about relaxing. In contrast, a Lifestyler says Hedo is about the sex parties, and a nudist praises the social scene. All three are accurate.

As for the intimate stuff, you have to experience it to truly understand how the ‘wild’ is normal when you mix Jamaica, unlimited drinks, nudity, and friendliness. Let’s face it—you have to be somewhat open to even consider a vacation at Hedo.

—Jon from New Hampshire

Sometimes Hedo is wild; sometimes it’s mild. But the constant is that everyone cuts loose from the norm. On a beach at home you likely couldn’t watch Julie demonstrate the difference between how commercials show ladies elegantly putting on pantyhose—and how women really do it.

Hedo is not a scary place. Hedo is the most accepting and laid back place we’ve ever been...and we travel the world, says Mark (and Barbie) Cecil from Gulf Shores, Ala., who have been to Hedo 16 times since 1995. The atmosphere is mindless by design. You can party 24 hours or lie motionless on the beach all day.

On the beach a man leaned over to his girlfriend and said, ‘Well, honey, what do you think? Should we go up to the dining room and have lunch—or should we just stay here and have another drink?’ That was likely the most difficult decision they made during their entire stay at Hedo.

—John from Palm Springs, Calif.

Which all leads to The Hedo Paradox: The most relaxing and frenetic vacation people ever take is one week at Hedo. You can perfect the art of being a sand-slug or a satyr. The sexually charged atmosphere kindles lust—your wife becomes your girlfriend again—and sometimes you find your soulmate: many guests meet the person they eventually marry.

Hedo is all about enjoying our marriage and enhancing what excites us—me dressing up exotically and being the center of attention as my husband feeds on my reaction to people complimenting me—as well as extracurricular marital activity by consensual adults. While photography is not allowed past a certain point on the beach, it doesn’t prevent us from enjoying the rest of the grounds where we take photos to warm our inners on those cold winter nights back home.

—a Hedo gal

Hedo never sleeps. Just sit in the open-air dining room or visit the huge nude hot tub after midnight. The scene often bustles when at other resorts, the guests have all been tucked in for three hours.

And no kids are running around. None under age 18 anyway, probably because youngsters are not childish enough. They don’t spray one another’s genitals with Silly String®.

The Hedo difference: The people

People go to Hedo for the people; the resort’s ambiance brings them together. No place in the world is more conducive to meeting people and finding sex (but not always getting sex).

"Years ago, we had chatted up a clothed couple at the prude pool, though we were naked. Years later she came charging up to me and said, ‘I can’t believe you are here! I told my husband when I saw you that it was a sign that everything was going to be okay.’ She reminded us of the time we helped them feel comfortable going down to the nude pool. Since that time she had had breast cancer and a double mastectomy. She was apprehensive about returning to Hedo but my words, ‘You need to be comfortable in your own skin,’ had resonated in her mind over these last few years: She told me she held on to those words throughout her recuperation and now that I was there she just knew they would have a good time—and they did: at the nude pool.

—a Hedo gal

Overheard:I just love this place! It’s the only place where a freak like me seems normal.

Overheard: Someone asked me where I got a bright red cock ring. I looked down and realized that it was lipstick.

Overheard: The iced tea here has too much booze in it, from a dizzy gal after her drink order at the bar.

As Jimmy Buffett says: We are the people our parents warned us about... and though the performer flew into Negril in 1996 (thus the song Jamaica Mistaica), he’s purportedly not been to Hedo.

You meet many beautiful people at Hedo—a few even have beautiful bodies by TV standards. By the end of the week you ask yourself how you could have made so many friends so fast.

Hedonism II has evolved over the years, said Kevin Levee, the general manager from the ’90s who returned in 2008. It is guest-driven; we just let friendships form. It’s not your standard family vacation.

No kidding. But he’s right. People make Hedo what it is.

Tales from the Naked City

Imagine the happy surprise when Hedo pal Brendan showed up unannounced at Shawn’s new home in Florida. Brendan, a heavily tattooed firefighter/EMT, had caught the last flight out of Washington D.C. to help with recovery efforts for Hurricane Irma that was hitting the next day. Soon the wind blew a seal out of one of the new home’s windows, and Shawn went running toward it and broke his pinkie toe—severely. Brendan reset Shawn’s bone by pulling on it and to commemorate the event, added a new tattoo to his arm: a severed pinkie labeled IRMA TOE. Such is the impact and depth of friendships at Hedo.

The resort’s staff makes you feel welcome, too. A repeat guest might be wrapped in a welcome-home bear hug from Michael, the porter, right before Lorna at the Concierge desk does the same. Pauline, part of the wait staff, reflects her pleasure at seeing you with a warm smile, and Charlene (a.k.a. Sunshine) just shakes her head because you are back yet again to stretch the bounds of reality. Pass the main bar where Floyd (a.k.a. Pink by this author) gives you the ritual respect handshake.

As you head to your room, Rita, a housekeeping supervisor, flashes you one of her dynamite grins. Head over to the prude beach bar to be welcomed by the long-time bartender Paulette who calls all guests by an endearment. On the nude beach, Michelle calls out your name as you approach the bar, and Agustus, tender of beach maintenance, will ever-so-lightly tickle you with a leaf from behind as you whack away at what you think is a bug till he laughs. That evening you’ll be amazed that Eldon, a piano bar bartender, remembers your favorite drink even though he hasn’t seen you for a year.

These people, and so many others, are the staff of Hedo. Their incredible dedication to their work and their many kindnesses can’t be overstated. They make Hedo pleasant and comfortable. Their friendship grows with each return trip. (See The Staff Is the Heart of Hedo.)

Hedo changes your life

For many guests, Hedo is a life-changing experience. You learn to love yourself a little more and accept others a lot, despite their failings. The resort’s ambiance lets you laugh at yourself. You learn to play again. Hedo is notorious for building self-esteem in women because they are the power centers rather than men (money, strength, and high position—classic male goals beyond sex—don’t matter much at Hedo).

Signage makes the purpose of Hedonism II clear to arriving guests. PHOTO: Jess Gates

Hedo is where fantasies come true. Want to be a hero? Just lead a shaving-cream swimsuit parade. Want to laugh your head off? Join in the games or just talk to people all day.

At Hedo you are your best—and sometimes your worst—self. But the experiences are almost always cathartic and make you a better person by the time you go home.

"Hedo is where new friendships made may last forever. It’s a place you return to because you love the people, the country, the culture, and the absolute insanity. It’s a place where you find your own little or big way to give back. Hedo is where you learn about trust. Hedo is a place where you truly appreciate the word respect, and learn the Jamaican way to communicate it."

—Steve Carmichael from San Mateo, Calif.

Respect is a significant word at Hedo and in Jamaica, although its true meaning is sometimes lost in its overuse by guests and staff alike. In Jamaica, respect means respect and tolerance—both given and received. Tolerance is key because everyone’s experience of Hedo is different, whether you want to sit in the shade reading Dostoevsky or push your sexual envelope with a plantain and an audience of 43 naked people.

Hedo is also good for making money. After a libidinous evening in the hot tub, two Lifestyle couples who had just met learned that the husbands had complementary fields of endeavor: one wrote software, one installed systems. After enjoying conviviality, the men wrote up a $2 million contract bedside for a business deal once they returned home.

Common newbie questions and repeater answers

Do all the rooms have flat-screen TVs? Yes.

What do they show on TV that’s good? Why are you at Hedo?

Can I take my telephoto lens to the nude beach? Over my dead body.

Should I take a credit card or just cash? Yes.

When is ‘bare as you dare’ night? Most every night, but Tuesday specifically—at dinner.

Can my husband wear boxers for ‘bare as you dare’ night? Absolutely not.

What about S&M? Don’t bleed on the beach, please.

What do guys wear? Whatever a woman tells them to wear.

Do girls wear underwear to dinner? Ha ha ha ha ha.

Will this outfit make me look like a slut? Let’s hope so.

Nakedness

Is Hedo a nudist place?

Hedo is not a nudist resort and guests are not naked all the time. Nudity isn’t mandatory and is mostly allowed everywhere except the dining room, specialty restaurants, and lobby. Wide mesh or see-through, however, means you are covered enough.

I’m nervous about the nude beach. What’s it like?

Fun. Get naked. Get over it. Life’s too short. The second most difficult thing about the nude beach at Hedo is taking your clothes off the first time. The most difficult thing is putting them back on. (See Why Go Naked—and How To Get There.)

Ron creates a photo op in front of the grotto, nicknamed the fornicatorium, which fits more than 45 people—quite tightly—six comfortably.

Our previous experience with nudism was ‘no touchy-feelie’ at resorts. That is, nude is not equated with sex. What about at Hedo?

Hedo is different: it has strong erotic undertones and oftentimes overtones, too. Some weeks are sexier than others, depending on who’s there. Some times of the day or night (2 a.m. hot tub) are sexier than others. Hedo has touchy-feelie among friends who enjoy it. Friends may greet one another with hearty NBHs (nekkid booby hugs). Occasionally someone will touch you in a way you think inappropriate, such as a bottom pat. Just let them know that doesn’t fly with you (if indeed, it doesn’t) with words or a stern look—just like in the real world.

Can I wear my bottoms on the nude beach?

Women, sometimes yes; men, no. Attractive women wearing their bottoms will be looked at more than naked ones—as a curiosity and because clothes make many people look sexier. (Sarongs or a long t-shirt are often acceptable cover-ups from the sun on the nude beach as long as you are openly naked under them.)

Some women having their period wear bottoms (see Periodic Pain.). Some weeks the nudist Nazis are vociferous and may give you grief; sometimes they let up if you are pleasant. The security guards also will ask you to disrobe if you are clothed on the nude beach.

Clothes are out of place on the nude side, just as walking naked to the lobby makes you out of place. But if people have been seeing you naked on the beach, you usually can wear clothes for a bit and not be hassled.

My spouse is a Prude and I’m a Nude—can we manage okay?

The nude beach near the pier offers a DMZ for people who want to wear clothes with their nude friends or spouse, as does the entirety of the prude beach, which is clothing-optional. Most guests are uncomfortable with a dressed person hanging at the nude bar or grill, though.

My husband is concerned about getting aroused on the beach. Is this common?

Wood on the beach! a guest may shout. Yup, lumber happens, but it’s rare because most guests don’t inspire that reaction. Naked doesn’t equal sexy. Some are proud of Mr. Happy taking a peek and like to show it off. One inspired buck said, I can’t help it. So the women decorated his wood with body stickers and then ignored it. (See Addressing Temporary Blood Displacement.)

How to dress

What do people wear at Hedo?

Everyone favors tropical wear found at any Caribbean resort. At breakfast and lunch in the dining area, guests dress in shorts and t-shirts, swimsuits (any type from big one-pieces with major support to minuscule thongs), and sarongs.

Naked male chests happen at breakfast and lunch but rarely at dinner. At meals, women need only cover nipples, even with a sheer or loosely woven material that reveals all.

At dinner, people dress up more, though shorts and t-shirts are still plentiful. Skirts approximating belts are not uncommon. Some women shop Sluts ‘R’ Us and enjoy traipsing around in spandex and ultra heels.

Shoes are only required in the Pastafari restaurant but no one seems to check. Shoes are wise, however, because glass breaks nightly. (See Clothes Are for Closets.)

What do I need for the Thursday Toga party?

Ask the Entertainment Coordinators (ECs) for some cotton fabric (red, green, or gold). Or bring your own from home. Accessories help, such as a belt, gaudy jewelry, or a headpiece. Do not wear underwear—the odds of having someone cajole you into its removal runs high.

How wild are people on Tuesday’s Bare As You Dare/Glow and Thursday’s Toga nights?

Their wild clothing choices add to their acting wild. Toga night has fewer costumed guests than Glow night.

Sex

I’m a single gal; are there any guys for me?

Congratulations—you won first prize for the easiest question to answer. You’ll enjoy effortless flirtation from your Hunk-A-Roo Roundup nightly at our world-famous hot tub! Enjoy the libation of choice as you take your pick of dozens of boy bods, from beefcake to buff to bloated. Granted, most of those men will be married and hitting on you, often with permission of their wives. But Hedo does have about two single men for each single woman, on average. Be aware that 85% of guests, though, are couples. Single women make up about 4.5% of guests on average (Hotel Manager Donna Grant says anecdotally that groups of black women make up about half the single women); single men are roughly 10.5% of guests. The highest numbers of singles—men and women—visit Hedo in the summer months.

Will the swingers try to make me have sex with them?

Lifestylers make up a large portion of the guests at Hedo. Some are active, some are situational. Contrary to popular belief, people in the Lifestyle will not chase you down and make you have sex with them, says Vicki from Las Vegas. "You have to be somewhat aggressive