Gutter Queen's Royal Rumble: Round Two

Gutter Queen’s

Royal Rumble – Round 2

(I’m Done Fuckers)

Copyright 2018 Jessica Barber

Published by Jessica Barber at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favourite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Characters

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Author’s Notes

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

To Nathan, my gorgeous husband, thank you for always supporting me and my ideas, no matter how outrageous or ludicrous they may be. Thank you for being there for me - medicated and unmedicated. You truly love me warts and all. I appreciate everything you do for me and our two, amazing daughters. Thank you for being an awesome human, husband, lover, friend, father, my princess, and provider for us all. My world without you would be a sad and lonely one, thanks for sharing your life with me. I can’t wait for you and I to sit on our stoep one day, wrinkled and grey-haired, watching our mielies grow. You are my best and I love you more than yesterday.

To Nevaeh, my firstborn child, I love you. You are my twice exceptional child, gifted and with ADHD. I have had endless nightmares about you, you are the child I worry about most because you remind me so much of me, and I believe you may be bipolar too. We shall cross that bridge when we get there my love. Just as long as you know that your mommy will be there always to support and love your crazy arse. I have loved home schooling you these past few years. By having you at home with me all day, not only have we gotten closer, but I have been blessed with the opportunity to watch you morph into the beautiful butterfly I knew you could be, not that I did not love my weird and wonderful caterpillar-child. Keep on dreaming my stunning, indigo girl.

To my Tatum, my lastborn baby girl. You have always challenged me in every way. I do believe that you are the reason I am so grey. You are an awesome little bug and I love you very much. I love your I don’t give two fucks attitude, no one will ever treat you like a doormat. As strong-willed and stubborn as you are, there is a very gentle side to you too. Nurture this so that you don’t become too hard my love. Remember that we all have a white wolf and a black wolf inside us, the wolf you feed, will be the wolf that will lead you. Your sexy legs and stunning green eyes are going to be the death of your daddy. Keep shining bright my angel-child.

To my mother and father. I am glad that the two of you met, had sex, and had Imogen and I. You two are rock stars. Sorry your marriage did not work out, but not too sorry because if it did, we would not have had Roché and Brent as siblings. We have not always agreed completely, but you have both been there for me, and you have both tried your best and that is good enough for me. No one is perfect and this I can understand and appreciate better now being a mother myself. At the end of the day we are all human, and to fuck up is as human as it gets. I am who I am today because of how you both brought me up in your own unique ways. I love and appreciate you both. Thank you for loving me, even though I know at times you may not have liked me.

To Imogen and Roché. I love you both long time. You two are my best friends and I could not have been blessed with better sisters than the two of you. I love the way you both love me, and I love that we are so close. I hope this bond continues to get stronger as we all get older. Know that I am super proud of you both. You two are amazing mothers, awesome sisters, and the best friends I could ever have dreamt of having. I wish only the best for you, your partners, and your children.

To my close friends, Chevaughn and Lana. You two have been around long enough now to know who I really am, and you guys have still not run away. I love you like I love my sisters. Thanks for putting up with all my crazy shit and for not giving up on me or our relationship. Thanks for all the late-night chats, the inspiring advice, silly memes, and honest truths. You girls are my kind of people. I honestly don’t want to imagine a life without you in it.

To my new friends; there are too many to mention here, but I am sure that you know who you are. I love and appreciate each one of you individually.

To my family that are no longer here on earth with us; Granny, Grandpa, Mr. Barber, and Brent. I love and miss you all too much. Time has healed the extreme pain of losing you all, but our family is forever broken, lost and different without you all in our lives.

Granny and Grandpa, you were both excellent role models for me and my siblings growing up. I shudder to think of a childhood without you both in it there to love, protect and guide us the way you did. I love you both with all my heart. I think of you often and always remember everything you did for us all.

Mr. Barber, the rock, and head of our family. Without you our family has strayed. I miss the Sunday lunches, fabulous Christmases, and sarcastic remarks. You have left a great void in all our lives. I am grateful to have met you and that you were around to love and spoil my children. I just wish that we could all have had more time with you.

Brent, my baby brother. You were taken from us far too soon my boet. We miss you terribly and long for you every day. Time has helped with the grief, but your death was an enormous strain on our family, especially for Mom. I am sorry we won’t get to meet your children, watch you grow old, or share the aches and pains of ageing with you. Hope to see you on the other side, wherever that may be.

CHARACTERS

Before I share my life with you I would like to introduce you to some of the characters in my second book. For those of you who have read my first memoir, skip this part and head straight on to Chapter One, do skip characters in my memoir, don’t collect R20,000. You don’t need to re-read this bit and bore yourself with shit you already know. It has not been copied and pasted, I have re-written each character profile, but if you know my family, it is okay to skip this part. For those of you who are only getting to meet me through my second memoir; STOP READING THIS ONE NOW! Go and get the first one, I promise it will be worth it. If you are stubborn, or decide you don’t want the first book, then carry on being an arsehole and read on. I need you to get a little background history before you delve deeper into my second memoir. So, without dragging the introductions out, here is my family in a nutshell, or should I say more like a bombshell.

JESSICA – A.K.A - ME

I am a proud, mentally ill woman. I am a wife to an awesomely arrogant husband who I love as much as a fat kid loves food. I am a mother of two fabulous daughters, a sister to Imogen and Roché, a proud aunt of four nieces and three nephews, and a self-proclaimed amazing friend. I am a self-published author, I love writing and reading. I am a well-adjusted, perfectly imperfect human - thanks to my medication, psychiatrist and psychologist, and a plethora of other doctors, all of whom have been an important part of my life so far.

I have a love/hate relationship with food. I love eating like a pig on heat, but I hate being a fat, lethargic sloth. I wish I could find the balance and harmony between eating healthily and force-feeding my face with yummy chocolates. I wish that scales and measuring tapes were never invented, and I wish that having a stomach circumference equivalent to that of an elephant were deemed sexy and healthy by society and doctors alike. I wish that all the things I love eating made me skinny, got rid of cellulite and firmed up sad, sagging titties.

I still love the smell of coconut, vanilla and Vix Vapour Rub. Not all three combined, but each individual scent. I am still a Harry Potter nerd, I still cry when I think of all the people who died along the way to keep Harry safe. I am still waiting for my Hogwarts’ letter; my bags are packed and ready to leave at the drop of a hat for when my owl does arrive.

Kickboxing, yoga and jiu jitsu make me happy. I never dread taking myself to a training session. My only regret is that I did not start sooner with these three amazing arts. I hope to continue with kickboxing until my bones become too brittle to punch or kick a bag without shattering into a few, dusty fragments. I hope to attain my black belt in jiu jitsu, and to master the splits in yoga. Only once I have achieved these three things will I feel that my life is truly complete in a physical sense.

I love hiking, travelling and spending time with my family. Doing all three together makes me a very happy human. I enjoy sarcasm, swearing, honesty and being myself. I hate fake people, narcissists, haters, liars, paedophiles, murderers and abusers. I wish the world was a better and safer place for everyone. I wish I could live on an island and live off the land. I wish for health, happiness, and peace of mind.

I love watching Netflix, getting lost in a good book, chilling with humans I love, and eating out. I wish there was an operation to make my metabolism faster, so that I could enjoy eating without the guilt. I hate swimming in cold water and dream of a day our pool could be heated. I am a naturally curious woman, and I love exploring new and exciting things. I am a dreamer with crazy ideas, but thanks to my realist of a husband I don’t go overboard, as he keeps me grounded when I could have flown too close to the sun and burned my wings.

I am in a book club and love spending one day a month with these fabulous ladies. I am their designated book coverer, if there is such a word. I don’t believe I add much to this group as I hardly read their book club material, and therefore don’t review many books, but for some odd reason these ladies have decided to keep me in their club. I have been told by one of the members that she believes that the only reason I stay with them is for the delicious sweet and savoury treats each host feeds us on our book club night. This is only one of the many reasons I stick around.

WARNING!!! This book is not in chronological order as I have compartmentalised my memories. Not only does this soothe the OCD in me, however my ADHD works better when I keep it interesting. So, you will jump into a 2002 story and then I will drag your arse back to a 1994 memory so fast you might get dizzy with confusion. This will also give you a tiny taste of what it feels like inside the brain of a person with ADHD!

I would also like to give you brief descriptions of the mental illnesses I have so that you are not reading all these big words or acronyms and feeling stupid about not knowing exactly what they are.

Here are the definitions according to MedicineNet.com:

ADD (attention deficit disorder): ADHD is a common condition that affects children and adolescents, while ADD is more common in adults. ADHD is the most commonly diagnosed mental disorder of children and is more common in boys than in girls. Children with ADHD generally have greater problems paying attention or concentrating. They can’t seem to follow directions and are easily bored or frustrated with tasks. They also tend to move constantly and are impulsive, not stopping to think before they act.

Anxiety Disorder: A chronic condition characterized by an excessive and persistent sense of apprehension, with physical symptoms such as sweating, palpitations, and feelings of stress. Treatments include the comfort offered by understanding the condition, avoiding or desensitizing exacerbating situations, and medications.

Bipolar Disorder: A mood disorder sometimes called manic-depressive illness or manic-depression that characteristically involves cycles of depression and elation/mania. Sometimes the mood switches from high to low and back again are dramatic and rapid, but more often they are gradual and slow, and intervals of normal mood may occur between the high (manic) and low (depressive) phases of the condition. The symptoms of both the depressive and manic cycles may be severe and often lead to impaired functioning.

Misophonia: A rare disorder in which certain sounds provoke extreme reactions of dislike or hatred in the affected individual. An example of mild misophonia is an aversion to the sound of fingernails scraping a blackboard. When the condition is more severe, the offending sound can produce rage, disgust, panic, hatred, suicidal thoughts, or a desire to flee. It is more common in females than in males and usually begins around ages 9-13. The exact cause is not understood. Treatments can include psychotherapy, certain antidepressant medications, and hearing aid-like devices that create distracting sounds.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: A psychiatric disorder characterized by obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions, such as cleaning, checking, counting, or hoarding. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), one of the anxiety disorders, is a potentially disabling condition that can persist throughout a person’s life. The individual who suffers from OCD becomes trapped in a pattern of repetitive thoughts and behaviours that are senseless and distressing but extremely difficult to overcome. OCD occurs in a spectrum from mild to severe, but if severe and left untreated, can destroy a person’s capacity to function at work, at school, or even in the home.

Bearing in mind I have all five of these awesomely wonderful mental disorders, my life is an interesting and colourful one (especially if I decide to spice things up by not taking my pills for the day, the week or maybe even the month). I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2012 and it took me five years to realise that being on medication does not make me a weak person. I was on and off my pills because I thought I could fight this without the help of drugs. When I was off my meds I became suicidal, depressed and a nightmare for my family. In 2017 after I was admitted into a psychiatric ward over the Easter Weekend I realised that I do need the medication, and that I am not weak, I just have a chemical imbalance in my brain. I will never stop taking my tablets ever again, I don’t care what anyone says. I must deal with my demons, they don’t.

IMOGEN

My younger sister, one of my best friends and the first person, besides Chevaughn, I call when I need to bitch and moan about something or someone. Being a natural red-head, Imo is a fierce and fiery girl. As a kid, I pushed Imogen’s buttons all the time, but I knew that if I had snapped the elastic and released the beast within I would be in deep shit. When Imo had reached her limit of patience with me, which did not take much, she would attack, and I would run. When she caught up with me, I would drop to the ground, pull my shirt over my head, so that she could not pull chunks of my hair out, and I would roll myself into a foetal position praying to the King of the Norse gods that I survived this arse-whipping. Odin always had my back. One of my mother’s friends said we reminded him of two pit bulls when we fought. He only panicked when one of us drew blood, other than that they left us alone to sort ourselves out.

My sister is a gifted human. She has a high IQ and was always top of her class. Academically my sister outshone everyone. She had a natural flair for Mathematics and studying with her was awful. I would be trying to parrot fashion study about mitosis to the lyrics of The Flintstones, while Imogen would just skim over her notes and store all her shit to memory. I would give up and be happy if I passed. Imo on the other hand would pull her hair out from the anxiety of failing, only to get 101% for a subject, because she had answered the bonus question correctly too. Not only is my sister a clever human, she is also very athletic. Imogen did netball, cross country running, tennis, and swimming. A well-rounded lady in all aspects of her life.

My sister is a wife to an intelligent man and a mother of two awesome, little humans, my nephew and niece. My nephew is a very chilled and gentle dude with an endearing lisp. He has stunning blue eyes and luscious, full lips many women would envy. My niece is a bitch with freckles and a shitty attitude. No one is going to upset this girl and walk away alive. She reminds me of how Imo was as a kid.

Imogen is a very talented artist. She is also a stay-at-home mom. So, while her brats are at school she has time to be creative. My sister draws, paints and makes beaded beach sandals. She is very crafty and has a keen eye for detail. Imo illustrated the cover for both of my books. All my Tomy tekkies are one of a kind because of he; she has handpainted each pair with a theme of my choice, such as Harry Potter, Suicide Squad, and Alice in Wonderland. I basically live in these shoes. I am extremely proud of my sister and I hope that one day her talents are recognised, and that she can make a living while doing something she is passionate about.

Growing up mostly in my ouma’s home would have been a very lonely place without Imogen. She was my side-kick in many of our adventures. She also always had my back, and with her next to me I felt braver and stronger than what I was. I hope that our bond will continue to strengthen with age, and that we will always love and cherish each other the way we do now. I am very proud to call Imogen my sister, I just hope she knows how much I love and respect her.

ROCHÉ

Lover of Books, Mother of Dragons, and Nerd of All Things Nerdy. This is my Shakey, Shakes, or Sista Mine. My youngest sibling by default and also the doffest of us all. Roché is the sweetest, nicest, and friendliest hooman you will ever meet in your life. I can honestly say that I don’t think I have ever seen my sister without a smile on her face.

Roché is a mommy of three, small aliens. She has two sons and one daughter. All her children are roughly nine months apart, give or take a few years. Her oldest son is highly intelligent and a little weird. Her daughter is a diva/bitch/princess. Her dark brown hair accentuates the most beautiful, big, blue eyes. Her youngest son is a real cutie pie, with the sweetest smile I have ever seen. Roché just looks at a penis and she is pregnant. The thought of my sister naked and having sex is quite horrifying. We are six years apart and I still see her as my squint, fat, baby sister. I honestly don’t know how my sister copes with all three of her children being under the age of six! There is not enough Zoloft on this planet to help me deal with that kind of shit, and yet my sister does it every day with a cheerful, rosy, Disney character grin on her face. If they were mine, one of them would be compost for my flower beds by now. I can barely cope with my two, and the thought of one more makes me feel violently nauseous.

Roché is the reason I am a Harry Potter freak. She introduced me to this magical world while I was pregnant with Nevaeh, which was in 2003, and I have been hooked ever since. The two of us have read and re-read the Harry Potter series countless times, and we have had many Harry Potter movie marathons together. We even have the Harry Potter audio books. Roché and I went to a Harry Potter Quiz somewhere in the middle of Johannesburg with a few of our friends. We were grossly unprepared and hideously under qualified to participate. We both thought that we were major boffins when it came to anything Potter, but when we walked into the pub that night and saw people huddled in groups with study notes, holding quills, and dressed like students who attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I realised that we weren’t the biggest Harry Potter losers in this world. Nothing to be proud of mind you. We plan to study and improve our Potter knowledge, so that when we go to another Harry Potter quiz we will be better prepared.

I tried to protect Roché while we were growing up as best as I could, but when Imogen and I decided to leave my mom and live with our dad, I know I failed her as a sister. I left her alone with a dragon. She was too young to defend herself against a woman with so much hatred in her heart. I wish I was not the selfish teenager I was back then. If I could go back in time that would be the one thing I would do differently, I would not leave my younger siblings to move to the coast to go and live with my dad. I would stay so that I could protect Roché from my ouma and her evil ways.

I am very proud of the beautiful woman and mother my sister has become. Every day her positive attitude towards everything she does amazes me. Her zest for life makes me want to be a better person. I love my baby sister to the moon and back.

BRENT

My baby brother, the blue-eyed, blonde-haired boy. Naughty as fuck and spoiled rotten. My brother was obsessed with Pokémon, the Tekken Tag PlayStation game and his penis. If he was not watching Ash Ketchum and his Pikachu travelling through the various regions of the Pokémon universe, he was practising Tekken Tag in hopes of one day beating me in a game that was my kingdom, and where I ruled as queen. His other favourite hobby was admiring his penis. For some reason my brother had a very deep connection to his tokkels, and he was always looking at it, touching it, and asking my sisters and I questions with regards to his willy. One day he came to me with