Victims and Survivors

Copyright © 2014 by Melisa Mel.

Library of Congress Control Number:          2014909707

ISBN:          Hardcover          978-1-4990-2762-4

                   Softcover            978-1-4990-2763-1

                   eBook                978-1-4990-2761-7

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Rev. date: 06/11/2014

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Contents

Naomi—Setting: Volunteering at a Domestic Violence Shelter

Rosie—Setting: Celebrating Holidays at a local Homeless Shelter

Kyle—Setting: Visiting a Veteran’s Assistance event

Alea—Setting: Volunteering at a Domestic Violence Shelter

Carmen—Setting: Attending Service for Homicide

Victim of Domestic Violence

Michael—Setting: Volunteering evenings at a Homeless Shelter

Georgiana—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Trisha—Setting: Providing child care at a Homeless Shelter

Janine—Setting: Organizing at a Thrift Store

Peter—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Mary—Setting: Volunteering at a Domestic Violence Shelter

Oscar—Setting: Providing water on city streets

Sam—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Carolyn—Setting: Visiting a local soup kitchen

Susan—Setting: Serving at a local Homeless Shelter

Sarah—Setting: Volunteering at a Domestic Violence Shelter

Phyllis—Setting: Volunteering at a local Homeless Shelter

Irene—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Jason—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Rebecca—Setting: Visiting a local soup kitchen

Nancy—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

JEFF—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department:

Kenny—Setting: Preparing food boxes at a local food bank

Yolanda—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Barb—Setting: Volunteering at a local Homeless Shelter

Tim—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Elvi—Setting: Volunteering at a local Homeless Shelter

Laquanda—Setting: Volunteering at a local Homeless Shelter

Meredith—Setting: Visiting a local Soup Kitchen

Maria—Setting: Teaching a class at a local Domestic Violence Shelter

Chris—Setting: Providing sandwiches on city streets

Annie—Setting: Running at a 5K for Domestic Violence

Holly—Setting: Volunteering at a local Homeless Shelter

Paula—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Robbie—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Char & Jim—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Bobbie—Setting: Driving people who are homeless to a free Thanksgiving Dinner

Robin—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Darius—Setting: Manning a craft booth at a local Farmer’s Market

Frank & Bill—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Cody—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Phil—Setting: Observing an arrest with local Police Department

SAMANTHA—Setting: Consoling a woman for a Senior Services Agency

Julie—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Sandra & Nick—Setting: Accompanying family to State Prison for visitation

JILLIAN—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Bev—Setting: Volunteering at a Rehab Center

Sonia—Setting: Reflecting at an annual Sex Trafficking Summit

Will—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Shaundra—Setting: Volunteering at a Homeless Shelter

Kris—Setting: Volunteering at a local Homeless Shelter

Billy—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Lisa—Setting: Going on a Civil Standby with local Police Department

Don—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Paul & Joe—Setting: Running at a 5K for A.I.D.S. Awareness

Sarita—Setting: Volunteering at a local Soup Kitchen

Oliver—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Tyler—Setting: Volunteering at a Rehab Center

Lola & Mark—Setting: Painting a couple’s home for a Senior Services Agency

Kaylie—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Celine—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Raffie & Luca—Setting: Assisting at a Dog Adoption Event

Melanie—Setting: Chaperoning at a Queer Prom

Tory—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Chad—Setting: Volunteering at a local Homeless Shelter

Martha—Setting: Checking on a woman for a Senior Services Agency

Deanna—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Timmie—Setting: Volunteering at a local Soup Kitchen

Jean—Setting: Going on a Civil Standby with local Police Department

Lynn—Setting: Accompanying a woman from a Group Home

Stephanie—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Raul—Setting: Reflecting at a Mental Health Training

Brianna—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Gloria—Setting: Volunteering at a Homeless Shelter

Isabel—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Jack—Setting: Providing security at a Graduation Ceremony

Rebecca—Setting: Volunteering at a local Soup Kitchen

George—Setting: Providing Victim Services through local Police Department

Marco—Setting: Assisting at First Aid Station at a Community Event

Rubena—Setting: Attending a City Diversity Awareness Meeting

Karan & Marie—Setting: Volunteering at a Domestic Violence Shelter

Sabrina—Setting: Reflecting at an annual Sex Trafficking Summit

DEDICATED: With all my heart to those out there who care enough to strive to make every day just a bit safer for others and to those who are struggling in their transition from the victim stage to survivor mode. Good luck to us all!

INTRODUCTION

In deciding on a title for this book, I struggled with the implications behind the words victim and survivor. When I first began advocating for victims in my different career roles, it had bothered me that we even used the word victim. I felt that might encourage the mindset of being and remaining a victim. However, with time, I realized that by arriving on scene immediately after a crime or traumatic event had just occurred, I was in a First Responder role and I truly was dealing with victims.

I am a First Responder in various roles in my personal and professional life. I serve as a Victim Services Advocate with various police departments, a member of the National Ski Patrol, a First Aid Provider, a Special Education Teacher with students of severe medical/aggressive disabilities and a Domestic Violence Advocate working with crisis intervention. In such roles, I am mainly dealing with victims who are coming to grips with their situations.

Victims, by definition, are those that have just experienced a trauma of some sort. They are going through an entire array of emotions and circumstances that are happening to them internally and/or externally. They are trying to wrap their mind around what just happened to them. They are trying to regain some sort of balance in their mind. They feel violated, cheated, confused, scared, insecure, ashamed, guilty, impotent and at a loss for words/actions/thoughts. Many times, they even feel numb and in shock. Their mind is in a state of crisis and chaos. They are in the victim stage. They are truly a victim by definition.

With time, the victim can choose to remain a victim and use their experience as their justification for continuing with inaction, or they can choose to transition into a survivor mode.

Survivor mode is when one uses their victimization experience to become a stronger person. One can go on to become an amazing mentor, an encouraging role model, and a solid support system. One might even change their professional focus to work with others who have had similar experiences. One’s empathy and knowledge of the trauma experienced can be amazing motivators for others who have experienced a similar incident.

My roles working with those in survivor mode include that of counselor, teacher, trainer, youth club sponsor, parent and advocate. My empathy comes from being a survivor myself after having been a victim for many years when I was too young to even put words to what was happening to me. I understand both victims and survivors very well.

The characters in my book all had special circumstances that rendered them vulnerable. Whether they were younger, older, from the LGBT population, living with a disability or simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, they were all in a hard place in their lives. It was an honor to be allowed into their space at such vulnerable times so that I could attempt to offer a bit of peace for a short bit of time.

As you read, you will notice that some of the characters are still at the victim stage. It could be that the incident had just occurred to them or that they had chosen to remain inactive, using crutches (i.e. alcohol, drugs, excuses) to merely exist and get by day to day. Other characters were in survivor mode. They wanted to improve their life and that of others by using their experience to make them stronger and help them grow. Some of the survivors were fighting in some manner so that no one else would go through what they had gone through.

What I did clearly see after speaking with so many people of all walks of life was that one’s perspective of things and how their lives continue after being victimized is truly within their control. The time needed for the transition to occur from victim stage to survivor mode varies greatly from person to person. I also found that I was able to bring to the table all my training from the various professional and personal roles I carried out in my life.

As for those who work in helping professions (i.e. social work, police agencies, fire stations, teachers, counselors), I have found that the ones who are able to maintain joy over the years, many times come from a background where they were once helped to renew their own lives that were upside down and in turmoil for some reason. I knew that was certainly true for me. I had chosen to be a survivor. I walk around every day feeling as if I were living on borrowed time. I have a need to give back and feel fulfilled when I do so. Just being alive and comfortable with those around me is a privilege that I do not take for granted.

Having the goal of being a police officer, I have spent the last four years volunteering in different places of need in my city area. These include domestic violence shelters, homeless shelters, food banks, soup kitchens, LGBT support centers, awareness events and even a thrift store. It was important to me to see both sides of the picture. As a future officer, I knew I would be dealing with people who committed crimes. I would need to find them, deal with them, arrest them and testify against them. However, I did not want to lose sight of the fact that for every criminal I have to deal with, no matter how big or small the crime, there is a victim involved. Those victims are the ones that I will strive to serve as an officer.

I had enrolled in and gone through the required training to be a volunteer for different agencies—including various local police departments, domestic violence shelters, rehab shelters and homeless shelters. I would come in to assist on pre-scheduled days when I knew I could be available or I would be called as needed.

There are various websites for volunteers available. They vary from area to area. Anyone who is interested in volunteering for local agencies would benefit from having such a website available to them. The main websites that I worked with gave me access to calendars that allowed me to sign up to assist in projects around the area. I was able to choose the types of projects that interested me. The projects I always chose to volunteer for were projects working with people who were vulnerable and in a hard place for some reason or another.

The irony in my serving others was that those people were helping me much more than I was helping them. Being able to help others kept me together. Volunteering kept my priorities straight. Volunteering kept my perception of life simple. Volunteering kept me balanced in my daily life. Volunteering kept me thankful for all I had. Volunteering kept me from taking anything or anyone for granted. Volunteering kept my hope for humanity going.

I am very thankful that there were so many opportunities in my area to be able to use my free time fruitfully and in such a fulfilling manner.

My time working alongside victims and survivors was very enlightening. Some enlightenment was painful to see. I have seen a close up of our state’s mental health situation. I have seen how financial calamities or drugs have affected typical families. I have seen how children are often the ones caught in the middle of dysfunctional adult situations. I have seen how street life has no respect for anyone no matter how young or how strong they were when they arrived there initially. I have seen the fatal toll the streets take on some of its patrons. I have seen how hardened people can get after a relatively short time being in a tough place.

In contrast, much of the enlightenment was up building. I have seen kindhearted people doing all they could to try to help others. I have seen generosity at all levels. I have seen open-minded, unconditional love displayed. I have seen compassion that touched me. I have seen hope in eyes that one would never think to see it. I have seen many victims and survivors get back up on their feet thanks to the kindness of others.

Many of the places and people I found myself with brought back memories that I had buried years ago. I realized that I needed to unbury those memories to find continued peace inside myself and to rebuild my empathy for humankind. Helping others is many times, the best way to help oneself.

I have a deep respect for the courage it takes to face each day when one is not sure they have the energy to do so. Some life circumstances can seem so desperate that seeing options and acquiring the basic life needs can seem like insurmountable challenges. Giving up should not be an option though.

Having once been a very young idealist on my own, I well understand heartbreak, loss, and disillusionment. Life can be cruel and sometimes one has to turn everything around simply to keep on going. My priority is helping others, to whatever degree I can, to turn their lives around if they truly desire to do so. Today, I am a mature woman who, although not being a religious person, looks for hope and strength inside of herself every day.

The stories in this book are all de-identified and names have been changed to protect the safety and privacy of the people. The locations of the shelters, programs, and events found herein are unimportant as well. Hunger, homelessness, domestic violence and abuse of all types cover our entire planet. The doubts, fears, needs, and mixed emotions of pain are cross-cultural. No matter where they are happening, abuse and neglect are ugly and hurt deeply.

I hope that these stories and quotes can serve multiple purposes:

—First and foremost, to serve as encouragement for those who are in a bad place (whether a relationship or an actual physical place) to reach out to their local safe houses, support centers, or shelters for safety. As scary as it may seem, reaching out for help is crucial to moving on.

—Secondly, to serve as an example of the possibilities for which one can aspire. If most of the characters herein and I could start a new life, so can everybody else that really wants to. No one could do it for us. We had to do it.

—Thirdly, to serve as a window to those who have never found themselves in such a state to peek in to what life is like for people who have hit a very low place in their lives.

—Last, but not least, to encourage those who work in support-type jobs to keep on going. It may be that our peer burnout numbers are high, but the need among humanity is even higher. We have to find ways to retain our joy and strength as we continue to work with adversity and human pain every day.

I hope you all enjoy these characters as much as I enjoyed writing about them and spending a short moment in time with each of them. Each has enriched my life and filled me in some capacity or another. I have the hope that strong survivorship skills will guide them and I have the confidence that they can all reach their goals in life if they really want to do so.

NOTE

When I first wrote this book, it was simply a stories from the street type of book. However, the more I thought about how much each of the people I encountered taught me and made me reflect on a deeper concept, the more I realized that was exactly what I wanted my readers to do as well. I wanted them to reflect and learn from these characters. To assist in this endeavor, at the end of each story, I have placed a quote that ties into the story and a box with questions that are points on which to ponder and converse.

These stories present an excellent opportunity for book study groups to delve deeper into humanity. The characters open the door to discussions that I hope will prove to be very beneficial and enlightening.

Enjoy!

Mel

NAOMI

Setting: Volunteering at a Domestic Violence Shelter

A forty-five year old woman arrived to the safe house after years of emotional and verbal abuse. Everything Naomi had done in her life had been put down and everything that went wrong had been her fault. No matter what she did, she just could not win with her present partner or her past partners. Naomi arrived to this shelter after having spent much time in other shelters. None of the shelters she had encountered up to that point had allowed for the level of freedom to come, go, and make choices, as this shelter seemed to do. It seemed strange to Naomi and at times almost as if there was too much freedom. This shelter was a little different to others that were in the state.

One evening, Naomi was in the kitchen and was fretting a bit over a tray of cookies she had burnt. I was volunteering that night. I was sipping on a cup of coffee and found her there literally shaking over the tray. I pointed at the cookies and asked her if she had made them. Naomi was embarrassed and with much guilt in her voice, admitted she had gotten completely enthralled in a TV program and had forgotten she was baking. She seemed a little hesitant to admit what had happened.

Naomi did not know that I was a terrible cook and had actually come to love burnt food after years of constantly burning my own meals. I thought they would be perfect with my coffee. I asked if I could have a cookie. Naomi appeared confused and surprised that I would actually want to eat one of her burnt cookies. She asked me if she was in trouble for wasting ingredients or smoking up the kitchen or some other such thing. My eyebrows went up thinking she was kidding. However, when my eyes met hers and I realized that she had truly feared that reaction from me.

I gently explained to her that my own cooking disasters had led me to actually prefer the taste of burnt in my own food and that I was thoroughly enjoying her baked cookies. I even had to chuckle at how ironic it would have been for me (well known to my own children and good friends as a natural disaster in the kitchen) to have scoffed at any cooking effort anyone else had done. I could not count how many times I had set off our fire alarm system in my house. My children used to joke that when the fire alarm went off, they knew dinner was ready. Sadly, there was much truth in that statement.

While standing there together in the kitchen sharing that moment Naomi suddenly started asking… . Why does this shelter not have chore assignments? Why do they let us come and go as we please? Why are we allowed to cook our own meals? Why are we allowed to have our own closets that lock? Why are we allowed to not check in or out or tell staff where we are going when we do so? She admitted that it all seemed extremely free to her.

I hesitated a second realizing just how very important my response to this answer could be. I explained to her, You have been bullied for years. You have been told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. You have been told how to feel or not feel. You have been told when and where to go. You have even been told what to wear and how to do so. You have not had a voice.

I continued, "It seems to me that if the shelter staff dictated every little