Vain Innocence

 1

The thump, thump of the artillery had started again. It was distant, but each day it seemed to get closer. You could feel the vibration of the shells hitting; somewhere someone was getting the full barrage.

Now I sit in this tiny room full of radio equipment and papers. I am amazed at how nothing can be done without paper; maps, orders and requisitions, don’t they ever run out? The radio and coding machine never stops either. At this stage of the war there is no time for a break on either side. How did I come to this? A small office and me in a SS helferin uniform, the musty smell of filtered air, the whine of ventilations fans, the constant grey of cement. Is my home now, or is it my tomb?

I hear the reports, the Russians are everywhere. I can read a map and we are cut off. I have talked to some of the troops, staff officers of Generals, who tell me in secret of course that the Russians are raping any woman they can find. I am scared. I would rather die than let those animals get a hold of me. Should I go down fighting or use my cyanide capsule? But I don’t want to die. When I think back to what has happened in the last five years, I can’t believe this is how it ends. I wish and hope for escape.

I leave the small room to go into the hallway. It is busy as usual. No one notices me except the SS guards at the entrance and they just look me over. Men amaze me. I swear you could be saving them from drowning and they would be mentally undressing you while you are doing it!

Guten tag, Fraulein. The guard says to me.

Guten tag, I reply. Just getting some fresh air, I need a break. What do you know?

The guard hesitates, and then replies. Even if I knew something you know I can’t tell you.

Yes I know, but I thought maybe today would be different. I smiled and seeing I wasn’t going to get anywhere I moved on down the hall away from the entrance.

Everything is a blur. I am sick of seeing uniforms and I walk almost as in a daze. People pass me but no one noticed me. Finally I go down the hall until I can go no further. The guards turn everyone back here. Beyond those doors lies Hitler’s area of the bunker. The guards look at me menacingly and I’ve decided I have walked enough, so I head back the way I started. I have to somehow get out of here because to stay is to die. I have no idea what it’s like above ground. Here there is no day or night, but at least my lecherous boss Herman Fegelein isn’t here. He’s been gone and no one knows to where. Maybe I can use that to my advantage, but I am sure the authorities would have no qualms hanging a woman deserter. Still I look for a chance to leave this place.

 2

My name is Erica Hausser. I was born on September 17, 1919. My parent’s names are Heidi and Tedor Beckner. They say I was a good and beautiful child, healthy and cheerful. As any child, I don’t remember much about my childhood. It was typical of any child born in Dresden, Germany at that time. They say Father made a good living and we always seemed to have plenty of everything. When I was around 6 years old I remember father coming home and telling mother he was being transferred and Mother was very upset.

Why are they choosing you to go Tedor? There must be someone else! Mother exclaimed.

There is no one else who speaks English as well as me, said Father. This is a great opportunity. We can get a new start. Things are booming there and the firm needs me. I am in charge of setting up our whole operations there.

Mother cried, We well be leaving everything; our parents, our friends and our home. You didn’t even discuss this with me!

Father went on, We can come back and visit. I am sure we will get plenty of holiday time, I will insist on it. I am going nowhere here. All my paths to promotion are blocked. You have to come, I can’t afford two residences.

Mother saw she was getting nowhere so she agreed to make the best of it. That night there was little talking in the house. She sent me to bed and later on she came into my room and held me.

She said to me, Erica, you heard your Father, now we must really stay together. We must rely on each other and everything will be okay. Good night and don’t worry.

I asked her, Why does this have to happen? I don’t want to move!

She reassured me, We must make the best of this. Everything will work out. As she stroked my hair she went on. Now be brave, act like a young lady and not a child and who knows you may like America better after you have been there awhile, now good night. She kissed my head and shut out the light. I could tell she was becoming inpatient with me. I didn’t sleep well that night. Thousands of unpleasant thoughts flooded my young mind.

There was no school the next day so I was sent out to play with my friend Rachael. She was my best friend. She lived 2 doors down. She was a little darker skinned than me with slightly curly black hair. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was Jewish.

I envied her. Her father owned and ran a bakery down the street. He would always give her a hug and he treated her like a princess. Don’t get me wrong, my Father loved me, but he seldom showed the kind of affection that Rachael’s Father did. My Father was always so business like. He worked many hours a day and I suppose he was so tired he just didn’t have the energy to show affection.

Although Rachael and I were only six years old, we had understanding beyond that. I told her that Mother says we will be moving. I was taught to never call her Mom. We were so formal. I don’t know when, but she said it was far away and I may never see you again!

Oh Erica, She replied. This makes me sad! You are my best friend ever. It’s so unfair!

I went on, I know I will really miss you and our play times together.

The weeks went by and Mother packed a few of my things everyday. Finally she told me, This is our last day here, tomorrow we leave for America.

I left the house to play with tears in my eyes. Maybe I could run away, that would stop us from moving, but I knew in my heart that would be wrong. Besides, I didn’t want to get a whipping, which is what I would have surely gotten once they found me! I found Rachael and she knew by my face that this was it. We both cried and hugged. It must have been some sight, a blond pig tailed, blue eyed, fair skinned girl hugging a curly black haired, brown eyed, dark complected girl. We didn’t know what race was at our age. All we knew was that two best friends were going to be separated. The next day Father, Mother and I boarded a train. We left our home, we left everything. The trip was long and boring for me, but we finally arrived at the ocean and Mother said to me. There’s our way to America. We are going to ride this boat all the way there!

I was terrified. The boat was huge! The trip on the stairs up to the deck was long and scary. I tried not to look down. Once we were on deck I was not scared anymore. Our cabin was small with two beds crammed in it, but it would be our home for the long trip.

The cruise was long and boring. I got my behind swatted a couple of times. I just couldn’t seem to stay out of trouble! Finally one day I saw it, New York City! From a distance the buildings looked grey and rectangular. As we got closer their individual shapes and colors could be made out. To me it was eerie and creepy. As we moved into the harbor they dropped us off at an island with a giant green statue of a lady with spikes coming out of her head. Scary! We were then led into a big building. While waiting there I fell asleep in Mother’s arms.

When I woke up I was on a train again. We were in a sleeping compartment, another small space! This trip took several days and it was neat to watch the changing scenery. It went from cities to countryside and back again. It was still a long boring ride though, but Mother did her best to entertain me.

When the train finally stopped at a station Father said. This is it, our new home.

 3

We arrived at a small two-story house. A man met father at the front door. The yard was big, much bigger than in Dresden!

Hello, said the man on the porch, I hope this will be adequate for your family. The rent is reasonable and I think it has everything you were looking for. My name is Phillip Tolle, but please just call me Phil. He smiled at us and offered Father his hand.

A pleasure Phil, Father replied. As they shook hands Father said to Mother, Heidi, take Erica inside and start getting unpacked. Phil, may we now head to the site?

Wait a second Tedor, Phil said with a smile, We move a little slower here in America. I know you want to make a good impression and all, but why don’t you take the rest of the day and relax. You can start tomorrow. I will pick you up around 7:30.

In Germany we get right to work, Father lectured, but, I will do as you say. I’ll meet you at the site tomorrow at 7:30.

Phil looked at Father kind of funny. How ya gonna get there?

I will walk. It’s only about two kilometers. I saw it on the way here. Your driver was kind enough to take me by it, Father responded.

Okay if that’s what you wanna do, 7:30 it is. You are the boss! It was nice to meet you. I am looking forward to working with you, Phil said as he was leaving.

I hope you didn’t offend Mr. Tolle, Tedor. You should have been a little more accommodating to him, Mother spoke up.

These Americans, I don’t think they have the work ethic we do and I am going to change that. We need to be better, Father replied.

Mother went on, Yes Tedor, but we cannot change a whole culture. We will be expected and must become like the Americans, if for no other reason than for Erica’s sake. She will be going to school here. Her friends will be from here. I don’t want her to be an outcast.

I see, Father said, it still has nothing to do with how this project will be run. Let’s settle in for the evening. We will go to the store and see what is available for supper. It will be quite interesting. He looked almost amused as he went inside.

 4

The next day mother sent me outside to play on the front steps. I had my doll and all of her accessories spread out before me. It wasn’t long before another girl my age came up the walk. She had dark hair and brown eyes also. She reminded me of Rachael. She introduced herself.

Hi, my name is Penny, what’s yours?

My understanding of English was limited and she spoke it so fast and I had never heard it spoken with the accent that she had, so I kind of had to figure out what she said. We were taught just the basics in school. So in my broken English I replied, I… am… Erica. I tried to speak as well as I could, but I couldn’t help but have my German accent. Penny looked at me funny and giggled. I didn’t see the humor in what I said.

She asked me, Where are you from? Wanna come over? We can play dollies at my house. I didn’t understand any of it; I just looked at her and shrugged.

Penny became impatient, Well do you or don’t you? With that she walked away.

I was devastated. I had finally found someone to play with and through my ignorance I had run her off. I began to cry. Mother came out and asked me what was wrong. I explained to her what had happened then she hugged me and held me as I sobbed.

She comforted me, Don’t worry my child, we will see to this. In time you’ll learn English well enough to have lots of friends. You’ll see! Now come inside for some milk and I will read you a story.

That evening Father came home and at dinner Mother shared, Erica wants to have friends Tedor, but there seems to be a language barrier. What can we do?

Father answered, I will work with her. Let’s start tonight after we have eaten. I was a little concerned. I was sure it would take away from my play time. In the end it turned out to be a great thing. It was the beginning of my realization that Father really loved me. He taught me English for one hour every night, but he also taught me about life. I got to know him and the lessons drew us closer together. If we had not come to America, I don’t know if we would have gotten an opportunity like this.

 5

There was a knock on the door; or rather it was pounded on. Come in. I responded. A Gestapo man entered. I hated them! The black trench coats, the smugness, the dominating demeanor. He got right to the point. Where is your C.O. Fregelein?

I answered. I don’t know? Right now I’m a little busy decoding these signals and you’re distracting me.

He immediately pulled me out of the chair and shoved me. Guard! he yelled. Find someone to take her place. You do not address me in that manner.

Within seconds a Helferin in an Army uniform took my place. He then proceeded to shove me across the hall to an empty room. He slammed the door behind him and back handed me in the face. It hurt badly. A tear came to my eye but I was determined not to cry. My hat was knocked off and I could taste blood in the corner of my mouth.

He went on. Now again, where is Fegelein, now that you can concentrate a little better?

I replied. Honestly I do not know. I am not and would not lie to the Gestapo. He continued to drill.

Were you not lovers? We have proof that you were seen riding off in a car with him on January 30, 1941. You must know something?

I was amazed at the accuracy of the report. I answered, Yes, I did share a ride with him that night, but nothing happened. I didn’t see him again until I was assigned to his staff a month ago. I have never had a personal relationship with him. He is my C.O. and that’s all.

So, you have no knowledge of his Black Market activities or his whereabouts? He continued, If we find that you are laying you will be most sorry.

I couldn’t control myself, I started to cry. Maybe it was a good thing because he believed he had broken me. I told you the truth. It’s all I know.

He continued to threaten me, We still have facilities to get the truth out of people. We know where to find you. With that he left.

I slowly picked up my hat and then blotted the blood from the corner of my mouth. As I left the room the guard called to me, Fraulein are you all right? I couldn’t believe it, Why did you assist him? You didn’t seem too concerned about me then. The guard replied. I was just following orders, nothing personal. Disobeying is a dangerous thing these days.

I saw his point, Yes, I suppose you are right. I quickly went back to the decoding room making a mental not that SS guards could not be trusted.

The army Halferin got up for me to take her place. She would not look me in the eye as she left. I sat back down and went on with my work. As I sat there I got to thinking. It didn’t make sense for the Gestapo to investigate desertion as it was an Army matter. Besides, I would think the Gestapo would want to leave because in a few days to a week at the outset the Russians would be here. They would not deal kindly with them. There could still be a chance for them to escape the encirclement. Maybe the Gestapo man was a double agent of GRU spy. There probably was a reward for Fegelein in Russia. Or perhaps he was a fanatic and just wouldn’t give it up until dead or else. Either way, if I see him again it will be bad news. I’m sure even though most of the city is in ruins the Gestapo has a basement somewhere for interrogations.

No, this agent will have his pound of flesh either way, whether it is me, Fegelein or someone else. I have to find away out of here and soon!

 6

September finally rolled around for school to start. It had been a busy summer with English lessons from Father and playing with Penny and others in the neighborhood. They had helped me become at least functional in the language. Penny had become a good friend. We weren’t quite as close as I had been with Rachael, but at least she as always there to play with. Another girl, Monica, also came over from time to time to play. I think Penny and Monica were best friends, but they both seemed to accept me.

I still had an accent and German was still the language spoken at home. It still frustrated me when I would say a word and my friends would laugh at how I pronounced it. When school started I spoke as little as possible. I didn’t want to be made fun of. Some thought I was dumb, but in reality in everything but the language I was ahead, especially in math. This was first grade and I was at a third grade level. The school year went very fast and by the end of the year I understood everything language-wise, even the slang. I made many new friends and was starting to feel at home.

The summer was great, playing everyday, swimming and having fun with friends! I was starting to become as close to Penny as I had been with Rachael. There was no trip to Germany as Father was much too busy at his work to take the time off. I don’t think Mother was pleased. She missed her mother and friends.

The next school year started great. From the beginning I was at the top of the class. I had many friends, though every once in a while I heard myself referred to as that little Kraut. This bothered me as I thought I was an American. I was starting to learn about envy and prejudice.

Later that winter after Father came home from work Mr. Tolle came over. He and father played chess for a couple of hours. Father beat him handily probably two or three games that they played. Mr. Tolle commented, Tedor you really have a talent for this game. You always seem to be a step ahead of me! You’re the same way on the job. I’m glad you’re working with us. You Germans seem to have a knack for strategy-type things.

Father replied, Thank you Phil. I also admire you. You are always on time and ready to go. I couldn’t ask for a better partner. I also admire you Americans. At first I was skeptical about your work ethic, but once a goal is set you always achieve it and creatively, sometimes. I also love your baseball! How you hit a round ball with a round bat consistently amazes me, especially your Babe Ruth.

Mr. Tolle concluded, Well, I had better head home. It’s been fun, though I don’t particularly like losing!

Father continued, Yes the Germans and Americans make a great team. It’s too bad our two countries never seem to be on the same side of the same issues.

Well, on this project we are, added Phil, See you tomorrow.

Good-bye. Father replied as Mr. Tolle headed to his car. Father quickly came inside and started to put up the chess set. I ran up to him.

Father, I want to play, I said.

Well it’s very hard even for some adults to play, Father stated.

I want to try, I declared. I think deep down I missed our times when he taught me English. What I really wanted was Father’s attention and approval.

Very well young lady, let’s start with the basics. If at any time you are tired of this we will stop, Father stated. He went over how the pieces moved and how to set up the board. We tried a few moves, but it was too hard for me. The best thing was I had Father’s attention! He explained the hows and whys of each move. My interest from that day on wavered little. Father never asked if I wanted to play. I had to request to play, but the important thing was I was spending time with him.

After a year I could play an entire game. Father would never let me win, but he did explain each move and the strategy behind it. By the time I was eleven I was competitive with him. I was also playing in junior tournaments. I loved those tournaments. I would beat boys and they hated it! Father loved it and he was so proud of me. I especially liked the timed move games. I excelled at these because Father trained me to see alternative moves very early in my training. I finally beat Father when I was thirteen and continued to play in tournaments. I loved it. Everyone took me lightly because I am a girl and little did I know that this game would open doors for me in an area no one would suspect.

 7

When I was 9 years old we went back to Germany that summer for a visit. It really had not changed much and it was great to see the grandparents. They all marveled at how big I had gotten and I even showed off a little by speaking what they thought was flawless English. We stayed a week and I kept asking to see Rachel, but Mother always replied, If we have time.

One day Mother and I boarded a taxi. We went for a while and then I finally recognized the old street where we had lived. We were going to Rachael’s! The taxi stopped right in front of her house. I was overjoyed. We got out and went up the steps. Mother knocked on the door and Rachael’s mother answered the door. Then I saw Rachael. She had grown so! We hugged each other and Rachael asked, Is it alright if we play?

Her mother smiling said, Of course, get to it! We got her dolls out and played like we used to. We were still great friends, but somehow our time apart had made us not as close as we once were. We talked about school, friends, toys, etc. Before long her mother called us, it was time for me to go. As I was making my way to the car I heard the two mothers talking.

Rachael’s mother complained, There are these men in brown shirts. They call Sal all kinds of names and they tell him Someday Kike, you will have no place here. It scares me! Something should be done."

Mother seemed concerned, Have you called the police? Surely they can do something?

Rachael’s mom replied, They run them off for awhile, but they are very persistent. I see these criminals everywhere I go. It’s very scary. They hate all Jews and Communists.

Perhaps it is just a fad. Maybe it will pass. Mother replied.

Before we got into the cab Rachael and I said or good-byes. I told her, I don’t know when I will see you again. I won’t forget you Rachael.

Rachael replied, I won’t forget you either Erica. Maybe we could come to America to see you sometime.

That would be great! I said, I’ve got a lot of friends who would love to meet you and I know we would all get along great, I’m sure! You’re still my best friend Rachael, good-bye. With that Mother and I left. In my heart I knew Rachael would never get to come to America and I wondered if I would ever see her again.

It was also the first time my mother and Rachael’s had ever visited with each other for very long. They seemed to really get along. Mother seemed very concerned about Rachael and her family. On the way back to grandma’s Mother said, I’m going to help you write to Rachael. They are good people and we need to keep in touch. Maybe I would see Rachel again after all!

 8

We returned home. Although the trip is long, it wasn’t as boring as when I was six. It was a relief to finally arrive at our own house. There is nothing like sleeping in your own bed.

School had started again. It was my third year now and I am pretty much accepted by everyone. Although occasionally my accent gives me trouble. Penny, Monica and I are inseparable as friends. We play together a lot.

The school year goes by quickly and I make the honor roll. My parents are so proud! I can’t wait for summer to begin. Imagine ten years old and a whole summer out of school! I thought it would last forever.

Penny is my best friend ever at this point, although sometimes I feel like a third wheel when Monica is around, but we get along great. I feel closer to Penny than I did around Rachael, maybe because I am older now. We have a secret place back in the woods where we meet. We pretend that we have some kind of secret sisterhood. All that summer we would meet there and we even inducted some other girls into our club.

Monica was a year older and she was beginning to talk about boys. To me boys were no big deal. They were stupid and only cared about playing basketball and football and they were all inconsiderate, especially to us girls. We tried not to let that bother us as we continued to meet all that summer in our woods. We really became close that year. The fourth year of school begins. It is as usual, good friends and good grades.

 9

In October, one evening Father comes home and is very distressed. I kinda understood that what he was talking about was very bad. He had a newspaper and then he put it down.

Heidi, this is very bad, he said, our firm’s capital is dependent on our stock whether we do well or not. If our stock drops we don’t have enough margin to stay solvent.

Tedor, you worry too much. You must think positive. Maybe this is a short term problem, Mother said.

I don’t know dear. It has been a problem for a few months now. Everyone’s stock crashed, not just ours.

What does it all mean?

Well, Heidi my dear, it means we could lose everything. Many firms will go out of business. Everyone is too leveraged with stock. If people are out of work they can’t buy. Just the treat of lost work makes people not spend. It’s a vicious cycle.

Tedor, we hardly know anyone here. How will we get by if you lose your job?

We will manage somehow. Others will be in the same situation we are in. I tell you things will get much worse before they get better.

Father and Mother continued to discuss the situation and the future. I was worried. I didn’t want us to lose our home or move. I was comfortable, popular and content. Why was this happening now just when things were going my way?

Christmas that year was a somber affair. There seemed to be no joy. Everyone seemed worried or scared. You could sense the apprehension in the adults. Many rang in the New Year with a sense of foreboding. I noticed though that my parents were doing their best to keep their spirits up. When the school year ended I had already lost a few classmates because their parents had lost their jobs. I made the honor roll again, but there was no joy in it as before.

That summer there was no trip to Germany by my family. Father was still working and many hours more than I could remember. Sometimes I think some in town resented us. Many were out of work and we were foreigners, but Father was still working. Some questioned Father why we had not become citizens yet. Everyone seemed to be on edge. The woods where we meet went up for sale. It wasn’t long before the For Sale signs were gone. One day when we were meeting, a farmer we hadn’t seen before came up to us with a shotgun in his hand.

He scolded us, What are you doing on my property? You’re trespassin, now git! We were scared.

Monica spoke up, We didn’t know we weren’t allowed back here. We always have met here before and Mr. Tebbe said it was okay.

Tebbe doesn’t own this anymore, I do. What are you, a bunch of witches or something? Now scram before I fill your britches with buckshot!

Penny and I started to leave but Monica had more to say, You don’t need to act this way. We’re going. We didn’t…" She never got to finish her sentence; the farmer hit her across the mouth.

Don’t sass me you brat, now git!

Monica cried as we all ran home. I told mother and she called the police. They talked to the farmer but nothing happened. The police told us to drop it. All the parents were angry, but nothing was done because Mr. Farmer had money.

I learned two things that day, money talks and sometimes the bully wins. It’s too bad we lost our meeting place. We had a lot of fun there and had made some good memories, but we lost some or our innocence that summer.

The other thing that happened that summer was all three of us went to church and camp. Penny and her family were church goers. One day she said, Wouldn’t it be great if we all went to church camp together! It’s so much fun. I think you all would like it.

Monica replied, Sounds great! How about you Erica, are you in?

I suppose so. I’ll have to check with Mother first. I went home and told Mother what was discussed.

She said, Yes it’s alright for you to go. I want you to be on your best behavior.

I was happy! I was going to be with my friends away from home for a whole week. I went to tell Penny it was alright!

10

Penny’s mother sat all three of us down. She explained, "You have to attend two nights of revival to go to camp next week. I’ll see you girl tonight at 6:30. The revival starts at 7 sharp. Don’t be late. Afterwards I’ll have lemonade and cookies for all three of you here.

Monica and I arrived at Penny’s early. The three of us and Penny’s mother walked to two blocks to the church. The sign read Rock of Ages Baptist Church. We walked up the front steps. Inside there were about ten rows of pews. An usher led us to our seats bout three rows from the front. I saw Sally, Tommy and Nick all from our class. I didn’t know they went church. Our shoes made dead sounds on the wood floor. We finally sat down in our pew.

We sang four or five songs. The front of the church reminded me of the stage at school, but a little fancier. Then a big man with a loud voice began to speak. He talked about a man named Jesus and how if we didn’t stop sinning and believe in Him we were all going to a place called hell. Someone handed me a Bible and told me to keep it. They would all flip the pages as the man spoke, but I just sat there.

I got to thinking as I listened that this Jesus reminded me of Santa Claus. All this man was promising He could do. I just learned last Christmas that Santa wasn’t real and this man Jesus sounded like a fairy tale too.

Music started playing and the man screamed out, You’re going to hell brothers if you don’t come up here and get right with God. He terrified me! He was almost foaming at the mouth. After more berating from the man, some did come up crying and they knelt down in front of the man. He said a few words then a few more minutes of this and it was over. He went back to a calm demeanor and dismissed everyone. We sang one more song and then we filed out. Some came up to me and greeted me and asked questions. I just wanted to leave. I had heard the word hell before, but really didn’t know what it meant. I still didn’t understand. Unfortunately, in the future, I would experience a real hell, one here right where I was on earth.

We walked back to Penny’s. Her mother brought out a plate of cookies and gave each of us a glass of lemonade. She asked, What did you think of the service?

I replied, It was very nice, very lively. I told her what I thought she wanted to hear. I was trying to be polite.

So what do you think of giving your life to Jesus?

I wasn’t prepared for that question. She was being a little too pushy, I thought. I replied,

I don’t know it seems too good to be true. I just don’t know. There was an icy silence after that. I don’t think Penny’s mother was prepared for my answer. She looked surprised. Monica, sensing the tension spoke up.

I can’t wait for next week. I think it’s going to be so much fun! What do you think Penny?

I went last year and there was so much to do. You guys are gonna love it! That’s why I invited both of you. We quickly ate our sugar cookies and drank our lemonade. I think Monica and Penny both knew I was uneasy.

Well, I better go home, I explained. Mother will want me up early to help her with the chores.

I’d better go too, before it gets too dark, added Monica.

We both left and as we neared my house Monica tried to reassure me.

Penny’s mom means well. Don’t let her pushiness bother you. She’s alright. She probably won’t pressure you like that again.

I sure hope not. See you tomorrow.

You bet, bye.

Bye, I said as I walked up the front steps into the house.

As I walked in mother asked me, How was it? Did you have fun? I noticed she was eyeing the Bible in my hand.

I didn’t think it was much fun, just weird. They gave me this book.

Mother gently took the Bible out of my hand and thumbed through it. She couldn’t read or speak English as well as I could, but she seemed familiar with the book.

She asked, What do you think of all of this? What did they talk about?

I said, It’s like a fairy tale. They talked about this Jesus rising from the dead and if you believed this you were saved from this awful place called Hell.

Mother asked, Do you believe it?

No, it seems like a make believe story for grown-ups. It’s up to them. Penny’s mother tried to get me to be one of them. I told her what I told you Mother.

Do you hate them for this?

No, like I said Mother, it’s their belief.

Erica, I am proud of you. You accepted those who do not think of believe as you do. You are open minded and that is a sign of becoming a wise and mature adult. I was almost brought to tears. Mother and Father both were very hard to please and praise was rare.

Mother continued, Now go upstairs and get ready for bed, you have chores tomorrow.

Mother handed the Bible back to me and I went up stairs. I stayed up a few extra minutes and looked this Bible over. We had read some passages in school, but this was the first time I had ever looked at one. I tried to read some of it. It was in English but not as we had been taught, it was almost a different language. I didn’t like it. I looked at the front and it said King James version. Whoever this King James was I didn’t like the way he wrote English. The bible did have some nice pictures in it though, Noah’s Ark, Jesus on the cross, Jesus with children on his lap. I hurried and shut out the light and got into bed before Mother told me to.

I attended the revival the next night with Penny and Monica. It was pretty much the same thing. This time afterwards at Penny’s her mom said nothing about becoming a follower. Perhaps she felt that if the theatrics of the man at church could not convince me nothing could.

Monday finally rolled around. I woke up and got ready. I was so excited. This would be my first real time away from home. I was imagining all the fun the three of us were going to have. Mother had packed everything for me so I was ready to go. Penny’s mother came after us in their car. We drove probably for an hour and we all talked nonstop the whole way!

After arriving we got to pick our bunks. I wanted to bunk with Penny but Monica beat me to it. It hurt a little, but it wasn’t that big of a thing. Sally was my bunk mate. I got the top bunk like I wanted, but Sally didn’t seem to care. She was a small but energetic girl with brown hair, blue eyes and pigtails. I had seen her before at school, but had never really got to know her.

We became friends quickly. She was so easy to get along with. She fit in well with Penny, Monica and I. We became inseparable. I think the reason we didn’t befriend her before now was her parents were very strict and didn’t let her stray far from home. They kept her busy. It was too bad because she only lived four blocks away.

The days at the camp were fun. Before meals everyone would play four-square. The four of us would always try to work together to get anyone out but us. We loved to put out any boys who went against us and of course they hated it! Then there was meditation time in the morning and in the evening. We were supposed to read our Bibles and pray.

The four of us would seem to meet somewhere and then talk during this time instead. We drove the counselors crazy! They didn’t like this and did their best to prevent it. In the afternoon we could swim or be involved in softball or relay races or any other games the counselors could think up. I loved the races. I was faster than anyone there. After meditation in the evening it was time for a camp fire. I loved the singing and the storytelling and there was nothing like the smell of the burning fire and the site of the flaming embers. The starry nights were beautiful also.

Friday, the last day, arrived. Penny’s mother would be picking us up after lunch. During the morning meditation one of the counselors, Jane, waved me over and spoke to me.

So, have you enjoyed being here this week, she asked?

Yes, I’ve had a really good time, I replied.

We have enjoyed having you. The other girls really look up to you.

They do?

Yes, they all want to be around you Monica, Penny and Sally. Everyone wants to be a part of your group. Well, except some of the boys! She said with a laugh.

We are all friends away from here. Except Sally, but I feel she is a friend now.

You know, with you being a leader and all.

I interrupted, Me a leader?

Yes you! What a great example it would be if you became a follower of Jesus.

I was really hoping not to be pressured again, but here it was happening again. I tried to be polite. I’m sorry I just don’t believe this story, maybe someday.

Don’t you believe in God?

I don’t know. Please this is too hard for me. Can I go now?

Jane looked disappointed. She put her hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes and said, Its okay. I thought maybe you were ready. I know you have a good heart. I can tell by how you treat people and your attitude. This is the last day. Please don’t forget your experience here. Maybe someday soon you will believe. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.

Can I go now? I said, I want to be with my friends.

Yes its okay, go enjoy the rest of the day.

Afternoon arrived and Penny’s mother picked us up. She packed all of our things in the trunk and we headed home. We had a great time laughing and talking about the week. It didn’t bother me that they put the pressure on me again. I guess that was their job. Couldn’t they just let it go and leg me decide on my own?

I had a month to go before school started. I really liked being around Sally so I decided to go to her house and see if she could play. I walked to her house and there she was out front. I called to her, Sally, how are you?

Erica! I didn’t expect to see you.

I went over to her and we talked about camp and deciding what we were going to do next. Her mother called out from inside the house.

Sally, where are you? You know you have chores to do. Now get in here.

I’d better go in, Sally exclaimed.

Will you be out later, I asked?

No, probably not, I don’t get much play time. Mom keeps me busy. My Grandmother lives with us and she is sick all the time. Mom says I gotta help out.

Sally, come on! Her mom yelled.

Sally lamented.

As I saw her walk in to the house I was saddened. How can adults be so cruel? Didn’t her parents see that Sally really needed time to play with her friends, to be a child? I still had Penny and Monica and they were very good friends, but I felt a special bond with Sally. We were outsiders who wanted to be accepted.

I went by Sally’s house a few more times before the summer was over, but she was never out. I was too afraid of her mother to knock on the door. Two weeks before school was to start I saw Penny and Monica in front of Penny’s house. I saw Monica was crying. I asked her, Monica what’s wrong?

Monica answered, We’re moving. Dad says he found a job in Colorado, where ever that is and we leave tomorrow. I probably won’t see either of you again. I don’t wanna leave.

I replied, When I was six we moved from Germany. Look how well things turned out for me. We will miss you Monica, please don’t cry.

Penny added, Yes, we’ve had some really good times together. I think it’s so unfair. She had tears in her eyes also.

Monica’s father had been out of work for a while. It seemed everyone was losing their job or getting less money for their work. I had heard Father complain that his pay had been cut. Penny and I stayed with Monica as long as we could. It was a tearful good-bye. We all hugged as Monica was called in. I never saw her again.

The school year soon started again. It just didn’t seem right walking to school without Monica. Penny and I seemed to become closer friends though, but we still missed Monica. She seemed to always know what to say in tense situations. I also saw Sally at school and tried to become closer to her. At school we were close but after school her life consisted of chores, church and homework. She had no interaction with anyone except adults. I felt sorry for her. Despite this she was always so happy and pleasant.

11

Monica wasn’t the only one who was missing as school started. Many other families had moved away and others were living on the street begging for food or any kind of work. Father seemed to be home more. He was working only four days a week. Many from his factory had lost their jobs. He would pace the floor with a worried look on his face.

Christmas and the New Year came and went. It was 1931. There was little joy. Father came home in March and told Mother the factory was closing in two weeks. I understood what was happening at least in our household. There was tension and anxiety.

Finally Mother spoke up, Tedor what are we going to do?

Father answered, I don’t know dear. We have enough money saved up for another four months.

Then what?

"There is nothing here. It would be very hard