Forever Love: Twin Souls Traumatically Separated in Past Lives, and a Kundalini Awakening

Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Preface

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Chapter 48

Chapter 49

Chapter 50

Chapter 51

Chapter 52

Chapter 53

Chapter 54

Chapter 55

Chapter 56

Chapter 57

Epilogue

Bibliography

Disclaimer

That any information contained in this book is not provided as an alternative to the obtaining of psychological advice from a duly qualified practitioner and is only provided by way of a general overview of the topics covered.

That this book provides (1) links to other websites and (2) details of other practitioners, support groups and organisations providing psychological and medical treatments and therapies, and by proceeding with access you accept that the author of this book makes no representation as to the accuracy or suitability of the information and/or treatment provided by such other websites, practitioners, support groups and organisations.

That any person accessing this site shall have no right to seek any compensation for any loss or damage from any party associated with the book howsoever occasioned.

Any information presented in this book about the Energy Methods is not intended to represent that they are used to diagnose, cure, treat, or prevent any medical problem or psychological disorder nor are the Energy Methods intended as a substitute for seeking professional health care advice. Shirley Fish strongly advises that you seek professional advice as appropriate before making any health decision

By viewing this book you agree to fully release, indemnify, and hold harmless Shirley Fish and Balboa Press and all associated with Balboa Press and assigns from any claim or liability whatsoever and for any damage or injury, personal, financial, emotional, psychological or otherwise, which you may incur arising at any time out of or in relation to your use of the information presented in this book.

Acknowledgements

Anyone who accomplishes anything knows s/he has many people to thank. I am grateful to my parents; for life and for loving me, and for innumerable things all of which have brought me to this point in my life; to all my teachers—especially my ethics professor who gave me time in class to think about what qualities I wanted in a husband and my grade two teacher Miss Lynch, whom I adored—she never said it but I knew she loved me too.

And there are some people I must thank specifically; my husband Fred Kordalewski, Stephanie Manning, Georgina Rogers-Nicolakakos, and Stephanie Stonehewer Southmayd: all of whom did marvellous editing and challenged me to be a better writer; Elmdea Bean Adams, author of Liberating Incarnations: Twenty-Five Stories of Past Life Regression, for her endorsement and for graciously and generously writing the Introduction to Forever Love, and to Barbara Stone, PhD, author of Invisible Roots: How Healing Past Life Trauma Can Liberate Your Present, for her kind endorsement.

Many friends offered their support and encouragement or confirmed my visions thereby giving me more confidence about telling my story and trusting my intuition and I am indebted to them: Susan Kordalewski and David Kordalewski who also gave me the joy of motherhood, Helene Cloutier for her beautiful poem and her support, Heather Barker, Patty Barrington, Abbey Bird, Romy Burfit, Danuta Chlaus, Monica Chlaus, Cathline Hamilton, Kim Davies, Crystal Eves, Celeste Hoeden, Barbara Howard, Betty Ivancic, Judith McKee Coffin, Cristina Lamonica, Christena Linka, Edna McDermott, Elisabeth Mowling, Lynn Oreskovic, Liz Raybould, Barb Robinson, David Rourke, Avi Sanga, Art Siemens, Robert Stark, Elaine Stirling, Sri Vasudeva, Laurie Weston, and Ava Zaritzky and a special thanks to Bea Mein and The Sisters of the Good Shepherd from whom I learned so much. Many thanks to Lacy Chupp, Jennifer Slaybaugh and Balboa Press for the vehicle to tell my story.

To my husband Fred Kordalewski, for his constant support, encouragement and unconditional love. It has been a privilege and a joy that he has shared his life with me over the past thirty years.

Introduction

An Overview of Reincarnation

The belief in reincarnation and how it occurs varies from one religious and spiritual tradition to another. Early Christian texts (including some Gnostic texts which preceded the New Testament) addressed the transmigration of souls, or reincarnation, as a reality. It appears that the orthodox Christian belief in reincarnation was removed from the Catholic Canon in either 325 AD at the First Council of Nicaea or in 545 AD at the Fifth Ecumenical Council. The reasons for this are now unclear, although educated guesses point to internal Church politics and a need to codify what was Christian doctrine and what was heresy.

Islam also had a belief in reincarnation, which was spoken of by many of the ecstatic poets. Rumi, a thirteenth-century Sufi mystic, wrote this about reincarnation:

I died as mineral and became plant,

I died as plant and rose to animal,

I died as animal and I was man.

Why should I fear?

When was I less by dying?

Yet once more I shall die as man,

To soar with angels blest;

But even from angelhood I must pass on …

(Arberry, A.J. Classical Persian Literature,

London: George Allen and Unwin, 1958.)

Reincarnation is part of Jewish tradition and it is mentioned in many classical Jewish mystical texts, beginning with the Zohar, which many consider the basis of the Kabbalah.

As long as a person is unsuccessful in his purpose in this world, the Holy One, blessed be He, uproots him and replants him over and over again. (Zohar I 186b.)

Reincarnation is central to Hindu, Jain, and Buddhist traditions. The lamas of Tibetan Buddhism reincarnate in a linear fashion. When a lama dies, a search is begun to find the child who is that lama’s reincarnation. This always happens when the Dalai Lama dies. The current Dalai Lama is considered the fourteenth reincarnation of that that soul, that spirit, that is the Dalai Lama.

At the essential level, we are all aspects of Cosmic Consciousness—of God. Living as we do in this world, we are primarily aware of ourselves as human and therefore separate from God. Another way to think of this is to think of your body and all of the trillions and trillions of cells that are part of it. Each cell has its own purpose and existence. Together, they make up the body you are living in. They communicate with each other as needed, each dependant on the other. It is the same for us as individual human beings. Each of us is like an individual cell in the body. We are each part of the greater Consciousness that is God/Spirit/The Divine.

Most people who believe in reincarnation believe we each have an individual soul that experiences a series of sequential lives, learning lessons in each life, correcting mistakes, redressing wrongs we have visited upon others.

There is another understanding developing among past life therapists and people who experience past lives. Because we are inter-connected, we can access information from any time, place, or person that will help us understand ourselves and move us forward in our inner work and self-understanding. It doesn’t have to be an experience which our particular soul has had.

This is becoming more and more common as we move further into this pivotal time in human history and evolution. As the Consciousness of humanity shifts, the layers and shields between worlds and lives are becoming thinner and easier to move through.

Spontaneous Past Life Recall

More and more people are experiencing past life memories which just show up in the middle of living their daily life. These spontaneous past life recalls, range from brief flashes, taking a few seconds, to complete changes of body and surroundings, often lasting minutes.

Like Out Of Body and Near Death Experiences, they can’t be created or sought after. They either happen or they don’t. They often happen when it’s inconvenient for our human self: driving the car on the way to work; taking a shower; in the middle of a conversation with a friend; walking down the street. The list goes on. What is important to remember is they occur in the soul’s timing, not in our personal timing, when we think it would be more convenient. They are part of the global awakening process that we are living through and experiencing right now.

Each memory shows up for a reason. Sometimes we know why, sometimes we don’t. Each recall is an invitation to know yourself more completely, to clear out old patterns, to engage with your strengths and gifts at deeper levels, to evolve as a human being.

How do you know if this is a real past life remembrance or déjà-vu? Déjà-vu tends to be more mental, a flash of recognition, without much, if any, emotional content. A spontaneous past life recall is felt in your gut. It tends to be very vivid and memorable and usually has an emotional content and impact. I also suspect that, historically, the term déjà-vu was applied to spontaneous past life memories because it was the easiest way for people to make sense of these, often, unsettling experiences. It happened often enough that the word is in common use to this day.

Soul Recognition

Soul recognition (meeting someone for the first time and feeling like you’ve known them forever) is also on the rise. Sometimes the feeling is mutual, sometimes it isn’t. We tend to attach meaning to these feelings. Why? Because familiarity at this deep level is usually associated with the deep intimacy of best friends or life partners.

The more whole and open we become, the more we know ourselves and the more sensitive we become to internal sensations and nuances. Along with this increased sensitivity comes meeting more and more soul friends. We can choose to acknowledge these feelings as an intimacy of soul that requires no action on our part or the other person’s. If action of some sort is to be taken, it will become apparent.

Our culture has taught us that feelings of familiarity mean something. Here are some of the most common interpretations: there is some sort of karma that must be played out; we have lived many lives together; and, if the feeling is particularly strong, then this person must be the one, the soul mate, the partner. Any one of these may be true. I stress the word may. If at all possible, question any assumptions you make and avoid jumping to conclusions. Take time to figure it out.

Sometimes, the completion of the relational karma is the ability to walk away from it, rather than into it. Sometimes, as is the case with Forever Love, the completion of the relationship is to walk into it. It is important to remain as objective as possible. The only way to find out is to gather information and be true to your intuition. If your intuition says run, get moving! If it says stay a bit, then do. Either way, make sure it’s intuition rather than a habit or a fear speaking.

There are three kinds of love: romantic love, sentimental love, and essential love.

Romantic love is the desire for the prince or princess, the soul mate, the one who will love us in spite of ourselves, who will make us whole. Only we can make ourselves whole.

Sentimental love is past or future oriented and can attach to a place, a period of our life, people, pets, or any other thing that had (or that we imagine will have) some sort of special meaning to us. Have you ever heard someone say they wish they were a teenager again? That’s sentimental love.

Essential love arises from and as our True Self and forms the core of who each of us is, regardless of how we may look on the outside. Essential love is without limit and is always present. We think that love comes and goes. Romantic and sentimental love do. Essential love is always present and is the truth of who each one of us is. It is the truth of one’s Self. It is Consciousness. It is God.

The feeling of deep familiarity we experience when we meet an apparent stranger is essential love: a deep, mutual, soul recognition, often requiring nothing more than acknowledgement.

Conclusion

Forever Love is a story of essential love. It offers a clear and grounded resource to anyone who has travelled, or will be travelling, a similar path of deep soul recognition and reconnection. It will be a life changing experience—usually in ways you don’t anticipate as you begin your exploration and inner work. Some of us elected to use spontaneous past life recall as both a trigger and a guide to our soul’s evolution of Consciousness.

As we move more and more deeply into the evolution of human consciousness, more and more people are experiencing spontaneous past life recalls. Some spontaneous past life recalls are mild, almost ho-humm. Other memories are so strong that people doubt their own sanity. The world appears to literally change around them. They feel they are in a different body, in a different time, in a different place … and yet they recognize themselves. Forever Love lets them know they aren’t alone and they aren’t crazy.

Forever Love is that rare and beautiful book that shares a journey of personal growth openly and honestly. Shirley had the disconcerting experience of very strong spontaneous past life memories combined with meeting her twin soul and a Kundalini awakening. With focus, love, and commitment, she navigated the ups and downs of learning what it all meant. In Forever Love, she shares her confusions, her vulnerabilities, her yearnings, and her triumphs. She offers the voice of reason and the voice of the heart.

Elmdea Bean, Liberating Incarnations: Twenty-Five Stories of Past Life Regression.

Berkeley Springs, WV 2011

Preface

This is my story—as honest as I have been able to tell it. It comes from my point of view, from my perspective and from my experiences at the time I learned about my past lives. Often in viewing a past life I was dropping in somewhere along the line of happenings and may or may not have seen what came before or what came after. I learned to ask for these pieces; otherwise, I would have presumed what happened. Sometimes I did not pick up an important piece in a lifetime until some later time. I have however, presented them in a somewhat cohesive time frame. Some stories have been elaborated upon during discussions with others who shared their recall about past life events with me, and for this I am extremely grateful as their insights have confirmed my own, and added details. These pieces have been included as dialogue format in this book. Names of people and places have been changed but not the events as far as I have been able to perceive them. Names from past-lives which came to me have usually been used. My stories come from visions I had and voices I heard and from the body memories and feelings I could not quiet.

These abilities are new to me. I was not able to access past lives previously. I was not born with obvious psychic ability nor did it develop in me as a child or young adult. I was however a very sensitive child and could often pick up on what people needed. I had one angel guide who spoke with me until I was 18 years of age but there is nothing else I can recall that was significantly psychic about me. That is until June 21, 1999.

That day I attended a workshop and met my twin soul. People mean various things by this term but I call him this because I felt he was a part of me and sometimes, in looking at a past life where we were together I could not easily distinguish him from myself. The word twin came to me at that time and was the closest word I had to express the connection that I felt. I was distinct from him yet so closely tied to him that I could not ever imagine having been separate from him and I saw a very ancient time when we were sparks coming out of the Godhead. In one of my earliest recalls of a past life he and I were actually biological twins. He is certainly a soul mate who has many times helped me along my journey.

My meeting in this lifetime with my twin soul came simultaneously with an experience which I now know as a Kundalini flow of energy. Hindu and Buddhist traditions have a wealth of knowledge about this phenomenon. Christianity might liken it to the experience the apostles had when together in the Upper room after the death and resurrection of Jesus. They felt the fire of the Holy Spirit above their heads, and left the room with courage and with the ability to speak and understand different languages.

The Kundalini Energy has been likened to the image of a coiled snake at the base of the spine. This energy unfolds and moves up through the chakras, or energy points of the body, until it reaches the Crown Chakra at the top of the head. This process has been known to occur at moments of intense love, childbirth, deep concentration over a period of time or when touched by a Master Yoga—to mention a few possibilities.

This Kundalini Energy brings with it emotional, mental, physical, psychic and spiritual sensations and changes. Because of the powerful spiritual understandings that come with this transformative energy it has been called an awakening experience. I had no tradition behind me to understand these sensations therefore it was a time of confusion, challenge, seeking clarity and learning. Along with the physical symptom, I was bombarded with hearing voices, some strong and mystical, some needing help and another voice that was demanding and abusive. I was assailed by visions and body memories which threw me into recalling many past lives traumas when I was painfully separated from my twin soul.

I had read about other people’s recall of their past lives and some reports had compelling evidence and documentation. Therefore I came to the conclusion that perhaps some people came back to live another life after they died, but I was certainly not one of them. I had been taught that the soul was created at the moment of conception and at death went to either heaven or hell for all eternity. I rationalized that perhaps some people were just tapping into someone else’s memory of their life or there was some great cosmic consciousness which some people happened upon. However when I actually had the memories of my past lives I had a feeling of ‘knowing’ which person I was and often who others were, in relation to my life now. It was the same kind of conviction one has when one solves a mathematical equation or discovers something true about something or when one listens to their ‘gut’ or ‘intuition’ and it proves correct. Prior to my past life recalls I had gone through a realization that I needed to accept my feelings whatever, and however intense they were and these experiences were another opportunity to trust my emotions.

I wrote down my experiences as they occurred or shortly afterwards in an attempt to process, understand and work through the strong emotions that arose as the Kundalini energy hit each chakra point and worked out the karmic knots hidden there.

I continued my life as a mother, wife and psychotherapist throughout. It took me some time to get a handle on what had happened, grow from this knowledge and develop to where I could let my story out. It is my hope that this book will help people who are going through a similar journey. This ‘trip’ does not have to be taken alone. There are many knowledgeable helpers one can call on to assist with this transformative work, and techniques such as EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), Reiki, Release Technique, Theta Healing, meditation, Emotion Code and Body Code Healing, and many other energy techniques such as the one I was learning at the time I was catapulted into past life awareness: TIR (Traumatic Incident Reduction).

I am indebted to my husband, children, friends and helpers along the way—both human and of the Spirit. I am also grateful to those who have made my path seemingly more difficult, particularly to the spirit who has over lifetimes abused me, separated me from my twin soul and murdered me. He is in my Soul Family and he has helped me learn what I wanted and needed to learn. These lessons included self empowerment, self esteem, freedom, love and forgiveness. Neither this spirit nor I would know Divinity’s incomprehensible and unconditional Love for each individual person was it not for our experiences.

Through the ages and within the multitude of religions and spiritual traditions we have numerous names for the Supreme Being or God. He is the one who is Infinite, and who existed before the big bang when nothing else existed as far as we know. It is understandable how we could come up with so many names for Him from our varied cultures and many experiences of Him. He has called Himself I am who am. I know him as Unconditional Love, and my experience has led me to see Him as a caring loving Father or as Jesus referred to him as Abba—Daddy, who is within each of us. For ease in writing I refer to Him as God or Divinity.

To help readers understand particulars of my story I have italicized each past life recall and italicized the words of the obsessive spirit who haunted me. The individual quotations that are in bold type are words I heard spoken by angels, spirit guides or Divinity.

I have learned that healing past-life traumas helps heal and free one from present life problems.

I share with you my story of Love—Forever Love with its many faces.

Chapter 1

Nancy would have been content to fall asleep and block it all out, but the pillow was flat, and the sheets were rough and nubbly. How could she get comfortable when it was so chilly? Ben would likely tolerate only one more wriggle before he’d comment on how he couldn’t sleep. Adrenaline shot through her arms. She felt heat explode into her chest and vibrate upwards into her cheeks. Her heart was held in a vice grip. Slowly, insidiously, the anger crept upward binding her in its suffocating tentacles. Laying in the silence she hoped the darkness would swallow her intrusive feelings—but it would not.

Darryl—she had not heard from him for two weeks. She was angry. No. She was furious. She could not understand why her anger was so intense; she tried to stuff it away. It refused to be stuffed.

Suddenly she saw fat stubby fingers tighten around a thin neck. Quickly she opened her eyes and surveyed the bedroom. Nothing was different. Was she visualizing herself strangling Darryl? Her anger was intense, but it was not murderous, or was it? Again, short fat fingers flashed before her eyes. A brief moment of relief came in the awareness that her own fingers were long and slender, and then the word decency jumped into her brain. Simultaneously, absolute hatred and intense love swept over her. How could these contradictory feelings exist so completely and at the same time? And where could such overwhelming love come from at a moment like this? The vision was unsolicited and spontaneous and she could not understand what was happening.

Calm down, she told herself. It’s some sort of visualization. Look at the picture, and see what’s happening. Just look. That’s all. That can’t hurt. Can it? Just observe.

Nancy was comfortable with the technique of visualization. She used it in her work as a psychotherapist. It was a relaxing way for people to get to their own inner awareness and so she focused on the chunky fingers with their perfectly manicured nails. She followed the fingers upward to a man’s broad, powerful hands clenched around a smooth slender neck. Nancy sensed the woman being strangled was about sixteen or seventeen years of age—her face distorted, her hair dark, curly and shoulder length. The vision came to Nancy with the knowledge that this teenager was herself. How could this be? And whose hands were around her neck? Were they Darryl’s? Perhaps. No. They were older hands—hands of an older man. Feelings of being this man’s daughter overlapped with feelings of being his wife. But how could she be either let alone both? And why had the emotions of both love and hate struck her simultaneously? Whose love did she feel? And where did the intense hatred come from? Was it the murderer’s hatred, or her own?

Sleep was definitely out of the question now. Nancy slipped out of bed, pulled her thick warm housecoat around her and moved quietly towards the bedroom door.

Are you okay? Ben’s ability to sense when she was upset was almost psychic though he was not convinced of any such ability in anyone. Yet sometimes he knew how she felt before she did. This vision was much too bizarre and incomprehensible to discuss with him right now, besides he’d give her a quick, logical It’s probably just a nightmare.

Uh huh. I can’t sleep. I’m going downstairs for a while. There was no response. He was asleep again. She guessed he sometimes checked how she was even when he was not fully awake, the way he instinctively wrapped his arms around her when she reached for him in the night.

She made her way to the living room and, while encouraging her body to relax, sank into the couch. She looked again for the thick strong hands around her throat. She began to feel the sensations she had had at that time. Her breathing ceased. Her head tilted back as if her neck was made of rubber. She sensed the man had tightened his grasp until her neck snapped. A number of questions bombarded her practical mind. Had he twisted and broken her neck impulsively in his hatred, or did he have a calculated reason for murdering her? How could she see these nightmarish pictures with her eyes wide open? And why did she have these physical sensations?

Suddenly she sensed someone kneeling at her feet, his arms wrapped around her legs, his face wet with tears. She saw herself reach for him and pull him towards her, their tears intermingling. This must be where the feelings of intense love came from.

Chapter 2

In the shelter of your arms,

I rest my soul on your shoulder

And adjust my heart beat

To the rhythm of your words.

The music wheels my thoughts

To the nest of your silence,

And clasps my mind

In the peaceful palms of the instant.

The light is tearing the obscurity apart,

And guides my steps

To the opening alley of my heart.

In the shelter of your arms,

My body embraces the unspoken past,

Surrenders to the booming present,

And slides towards the unveiling edge of the unknown.

Poem by Helene Cloutier

Nancy knew that her confidence in her sanity hung precariously on finding some logical explanation for her strange night time visions. She had no frame of reference for the pictures, or the feelings that accompanied them. The one certainty she had was that she had been murdered by someone much older than herself with whom she had the relationship of being both wife and daughter. Stranger yet, here she was, very much alive.

This was not the only unusual incident that had occurred recently. A few months previously she had had a precognitive dream. Perhaps there was some connection between these two events, which would help unravel the present mystery.

She looked back to a June morning, a few months previously, when she had awoken to brilliant sun streaming through the clear bedroom window. She had not wanted to awaken. She wanted to prolong the serenity of that night. She kept her eyes shut.

Perhaps if I lay here quietly I will sleep again, and he will return, she thought. She snuggled under the warmth of the down filled comforter and played back her dream.

A man stood looking at her silently. His gaze held wonder and reverence, awe and pride and even delight that she was happy. The teasing expression around his eyes seemed to say, See. I told you you’d be alright.

She didn’t know who he was, yet she knew she had always known him. The thought of `teacher’ came to her and `friend’, but more significantly she felt they were intimately connected like the two sides of a heart. The intense joy that he was near was so overwhelming she could recall little else about him. She had seen dark hair and a mustache, or a beard. She wasn’t sure which, or was it both? But his eyes! Those she remembered. They were sea blue, gentle, and laughing, with a depth that saw all the way into her soul.

In the dream she was standing with some female friends, her eyes riveted on his, her dress cool against her shoulders as the cloth fell freely about the curves of her body. Her floor length gown was exquisite though simple, and woven of pale gold threads. The sleeves were long and loose. The neckline ran smoothly along her collarbone. The material was soft, but substantial, and despite its regal color she felt comfortable and at home in it—feminine and special. Or was it the look of wonder in his eyes that made her feel this way?

Don’t you have to get going? From some faraway place Nancy heard Ben’s warm familiar voice, and she replied in her usual everyday tone, in her usual everyday way.

No. I want to lie here all day. Wanna stay with me? she asked flirtatiously, knowing he would consider the options.

Are you serious?

No. I guess not. The conference begins at 8:30. I’d better get up.

She opened her eyes on Ben. He was tall and slim, already showered and dressed, attractive in his business attire. The first time she saw him in his dark gray, double-breasted suit she had been struck by how distinguished he looked. He now had a slight mustache, which made you think of a watchmaker from bygone days. With his high cheekbones, chiseled nose, and playful smile lines around his bright blue eyes, he was quite good looking, and when he grew a beard he was downright handsome. At 6’4, Ben stood half a foot above her. He was tall, and straight like an arrow. It sounded trite, but he was. He had an integrity she admired, and a kindness, loyalty and sense of humor, which attracted her at the beginning of their relationship. It was all still there—seventeen years of marriage and two children later. She learned a lot more about him during that time. For one thing, he wasn’t as romantic as he had appeared during their courtship. However, he did have what she called moments of genius." For example for her last birthday he presented her with a CD containing favorite pictures from their life together set to a cherished love song.

There was also that perfect evening when, after a long exhausting day at work, she turned the door knob to be greeted by pink rose petals strewn from the door to the family room, where the glow from the fireplace illuminated two glasses of wine, a crystal dish of fruit, and him. But he had orchestrated his best genius moment before they were married. It was after she broke up with him for no particularly good reason other than she was waiting for her knight in shining armor to arrive. Ben must have known another breakup was due because in her kitchen, in one of the small wicker baskets she hung above the doorframe, he had hidden a cassette of specially chosen songs. She found it, and in listening to it, found trust in his love.

There were times when she thought she would never marry, especially when she was eighteen and entered the convent of the Sisters of The Good Shepherd. When she left ten years later, she thought she would be content continuing to care for other people’s children. She became a single foster mother to adorable little Donna until she was adopted with her brother Brendon. She was happy with her work and with her friends. She had always been independent, and furthermore no one man had passed all the tests. Besides, she expected that knight on the white charger to come and get her. But he hadn’t come. She was so sure he would come, but he hadn’t. He was just a fairytale character. Too many of her generation did not realize that what they were searching for was only a fantasy. Then Ben happened into her life. He used his logical arguments in an attempt to persuade her that she needed her own children—and him. His rational point of view did not convince her completely, but she recalled the exact moment when she was inspired to marry him. She was attending university, finishing her Master’s degree in Psychology. Her Ethics professor droned on about fascinating things in a monotonous tone. This gave her time to think. What was she waiting for? Someone kind and gentle, loyal and faithful; that was Ben. Someone who made her laugh, but was not controlled by his emotions; Ben was that man. Someone intelligent; Ben had passed with amazing aptitude, and intricate detail, the Intelligence Test she administered to him as part of her academic requirements. Moreover, she knew she loved him, and he loved her, and she sensed she would be happier with him than without him. That was her ultimate gauge.

She had the right to be happy. She comprehended this when she was twenty-eight, and in the semi-cloistered religious order. She also realized then that the gift of herself to God was not much of a gift if she wasn’t happy. Besides, how could she give herself when she didn’t know herself? She knew something of herself, but she certainly wasn’t comfortable sharing even that small awareness with others. She observed that many of the nuns could be themselves within their vocation, but somehow this eluded her. It was as if she played her part in that role. She delayed taking her final vows for as long as the rule allowed, but as her last temporary vow ceremony approached she was still struggling with her decision. She realized then she had to leave.

What time will you be home? Ben’s voice intruded upon her thoughts.

We get out at 4:30. I should be home by 5:00 or 5:30, she added.

Okay. I’ll try to get away by 5:00. See you then. Lock the door on your way out.

I always do—unless I forget.

Yes. You think God is going to take care of you.

Well, He gave me you. Didn’t He?

He smiled that smile—the one he used when he didn’t have an argument, and he leaned over her, leaving his kiss gentle on her lips. At the bedroom door he quipped his usual, Be careful out there! And then he was gone.

Nancy closed her eyes quickly, but he was gone too. Yet, the extraordinary feeling of the dream remained. It was one of such happiness, of such unimaginable joy. As Nancy contemplated her dream, and basked in the bliss of the moment, she knew today would be different. She knew this because of the certainty that came with the dream. She would meet him today. She would meet him—a person unlike anyone she had met before, and they would already have an appreciation for who the other was. The curtain had begun to fall, and somewhere inside she knew her life would never be the same.

Bye, Mom! Audrey yelled up the stairs.

Bye, Sweetie. Have a great day! Nancy managed to call back before the front door slammed, and her almost 15-year-old daughter crossed the street to catch the bus for her last day of high school before the summer holidays. The silence made her think of Richard, her first born and 16-year-old son. He must have left with Ben to catch a ride to school.

She was amazed at these children she had given birth to—these children she would never have known had it not been for Ben. Audrey was an intense, sensitive, bright and artistic child, while Richard was quiet and deep, an original, independent thinker. Both were tall and fair like their dad. Ben had been right; she loved the experience of giving birth, and raising their children together was an amazing adventure. The usual growing up issues and differences of opinion occurred between them and the children, but their intention to keep doors open, and discussion available seemed to be paying off. Anyway, she loved them madly!

She threw off the covers, and her feet flew over the carpet to the washroom. She showered, brushed her teeth, blow-dried and curled her shoulder length still auburn hair, though now it came from a little plastic container. All the while the wonder of the dream was with her. She dressed, patted moisturizer over her face paying attention to the areas around her wide eyes where wrinkles were beginning to belie her joke of still being thirty-eight. She smiled into the mirror. It was a good smile. She followed the contour of her full lips with a bronze lipstick to compliment her fair though lightly freckled complexion. She smoothed lotion over her arms. As a child she had tried to hide her skinny, gangly arms under long sleeves, or behind her back. Now she hid them because they were not so skinny. She struggled with twenty pounds that came and went depending on her level of determination, and her sweet tooth. Her friends still called her tall and slim, but they were kind and could not see the extra weight about her tummy. Still, Ben liked her coltish ankles.

As she applied her taupe eye shadow above her hazel eyes, a song from her childhood came to her again. It had played unbidden in her head for the past few weeks, and it didn’t want to go away. She entertained it, and sang along: Where, oh where, can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to heaven so I’ve got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leaaaave this world!

She glanced at her watch. Whoops, better hurry. She quickly descended the stairs, slipped on the bottom step, laughed, got her balance, and continued on to the kitchen. She grabbed a spoon, opened the fridge, scooped up a small cappuccino yogurt cup, and devoured it as she walked through the dining room to the front hallway. She tossed the empty container on the shelf under the mirror, pulled her sweater and purse from the closet, and proceeded to the car.

Chapter 3

As usual, Nancy did