Frogs and Snails and Big Dog’S Tales: A Children’S Book for Adults Short Stories from Ireland

© Copyright 2011 Frank Murney.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

Printed in the United States of America.

isbn: 978-1-4269-6137-3 (sc)

isbn: 978-1-4269-6354-4 (hc)

isbn: 978-1-4269-6138-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011905568

Trafford rev. 06/10/2011

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‘Book 2 of the Newry Tales Series’

During the late 1950s and early 1960s, Red Morgan and Po Hillen are in their early teens and truly experiencing life in the Irish border town of Newry. In fact, they’ve become more outrageous and humourous than ever.

Uncle Luigi’s Café—where their close friend and conspirator, Anto Falsoni, works part-time for his uncle—serves as the headquarters for all the gang’s mischievous and devious planning, which seems to be an everyday occurrence. New and exciting interests influence the boys’ lives. They race home-made carts at breakneck speeds on Newry’s steep hills. Sports, mainly Soccer and Gaelic football, were a big interest and at times the boys travelled to both Dublin and England to watch their teams play. And, of course, girls and dating play a new role, and these distractions lead to some unexpected, hilarious, and sometimes embarrassing situations.

Frogs and Snails and Big Dog’s Tales takes a nostalgic romp through the 1960s while sharing the daily exploits of Red, Po, and their gang—their love lives, school days, and friends, as well as other unbelievable and hilarious escapades.

Dedicated to the memory of

Patsy and Kathleen

Special thanks to

Sharon Oseas

Hazel Abdulla

and

Joyce Harvey

For their generosity of time,

encouragement

and talent.

Characters

Due to the fact that the same characters appear in almost all the stories within, I hope it may be advantageous to describe them in advance rather than in each individual story.

Places

Due to the fact that many of the same places appear in almost all the stories within, I hope it may be advantageous to describe them in advance rather than in each individual story.

Newry Town Centre

1950

Contents

The Banshee

The Success of Failure

Liar’s Ice Cream

Heavenly Revenge

A Goat Called Willie

Another Day in the Life of 3C

The Funeral Offering

Pitch and Toss

The Blind Date

Valentine’s Day

The New Cart

The Death Run

The River Monster

The Irish Dancing Class

The Kite

Poetic Justice

The Haunted House

The Holy Well

The Gas Men

The Orchard Revenge

Po the Cowboy

A Nun’s Attributes

The Dog Race

The Ice Lolly Swindle

The Teacher Affair

The Set Up

The Boat Race

The Snowman

The Conversation

The Matchmaker

Shark Fishing in Newry Canal

The Toffee Apple Conspiracy

The Super Leprechaun

The Parochial Hall

The Pen Pal

A Day Out for 3C

The Second Cycle Marathon

The Street Wars

The Legend of the Four Nuns

Colour Blind

The Banshee

1960

Red was having breakfast in his house on Castle Street that Saturday morning, when the kitchen door opened and in came Mrs. McGrath who lived a few doors away. She was a large woman with a voice to match and was perhaps the only lady on the street who wore make-up every day. Red’s grandmother, Ellie Morgan, was buttering some bread at the large kitchen table.

Did ya hear it Ellie? she asked.

Hear it? It kept me awake all night so it did.

Have ya heard of anyone goin’?

Not yet, though a heard that Mrs. O’Brien down Hyde Market was very low.

Did ya hear it Red? asked Mrs. McGrath.

Hear what?

The Banshee.

Never heard anythin’, when was this?

She started wailin’ about two o’clock this mornin’.

And what does it mean then? asked Red.

Mrs. McGrath and Ellie both made the sign of the cross at the same time.

She has come to forewarn of death. She has come for Mrs. O’Brien, God bless her and have mercy on her soul, whispered Ellie.

Both again made the sign of the cross.

That’s what a told ma John this mornin’, it has ta be poor Lillie O’Brien.

But why would this Banshee come ta tell ya Mrs. O’Brien’s dyin’, it could be anybody, couldn’t it? asked Red.

Red’s grandmother sat down and crossed herself again.

The Banshees only follow certain families in Ireland son…there’s the O’Brien’s of course, the O’Connor’s and the O’Grady’s, the O’Neill’s and what’s the other one Jean? Ellie asked Mrs. McGrath.

The Kavanagh’s.

That’s it, the Kavanagh’s. She comes and wails the night before the soul is to leave the body.

And do ya know… said Mrs. McGrath sitting down. It’s said the wailin’s so sharp it can shatter glass.

Again they both blessed themselves. Red found all this intriguing and continued with his questions.

What does she look like?

You tell him Ellie, ya know all about the Shees.

Well now, let’s see, she usually appears as an old woman wearin’ a grey hooded cape. She has long grey hair that reaches the ground and sits combin’ it with a pure silver comb.

She’s also called a ‘ban chaointe’ in the Irish, which means a keenin’ woman. Isn’t that right Ellie?

That she is. Sure everyone hears a Shee at some stage in their lives and when ya do, it’ll send shivers down yer spine.

What’s keenin’? asked Red.

It’s like, wailin’, cryin’. There used to be women years ago that were paid ta wail at funerals and wakes, answered Ellie.

Sounds a bit weird ta me, paid criers? laughed Red.

It’s true all right. My grandmother used ta tell me about it, said Mrs. McGrath.

Somebody was tellin’ me that Banshees have different forms they appear in, is that true? Red asked.

It is, now I have never heard of one takin’ a different form here in this part of the world, but I know they can appear as a hooded crow, a stoat, even a hare or a weasel, replied Mrs. McGrath.

So if ya hear one, ya know for sure that someone, in one of the families they follow is about to die? Red asked.

They both made the sign of the cross again and nodded.

On leaving the house Red stopped for a moment in the doorway and thought about what his grandmother and Mrs. McGrath had been saying. Just on an impulse, he decided to take the long way to the town centre and go via Hyde Market. As he approached the O’Brien’s house, he noticed a man dressed in black working at the front door. When he got closer, he saw that he was pinning a black crepe cross to the door. This was the sign that someone in the house had passed away.

Has someone died? Red asked the man whom he now recognized as a local undertaker.

Ah indeed. Mrs. O’Brien passed away in her sleep. May the Lord have mercy on her soul.

She died last night? Red asked.

Half past two this very mornin’.

Sorry ta hear that. Thank you.

‘Maybe there’s something to this Banshee thing after all,’ Red thought as he continued on his way to Hill Street.

When he arrived at Uncle Luigi’s, he found Anto, Po, Topcoat and Jumpy standing outside chatting. When all the grunted greetings were finished, Red began telling them the story of the Banshee.

Jasus that’s somethin’, said Jumpy.

What are ya talkin’ about for Christ’s sake, sure it’s a well known fact that the Shees have been around in Ireland since before we taught the Vikings to play marbles, spouted Topcoat.

Did ya ever see one? Jumpy asked Topcoat.

Naw, never did, but I heard the wailin’ a few times for sure.

What was it like?

Scare the shit clean outta ya.

Jasus.

It’s all auld wives tales, said Anto.

Don’t know about that Anto, ya can’t deny the fact that a load of people in our street heard one last night and Mrs. O’Brien died about the same time.

It was probably some auld stray cat gettin’ its oats, laughed Anto.

Will ya listen ta your man will ya? Sure what would an Italian know about Banshees? asked Topcoat.

He would know that it’s all a load a shit, that’s what he’d know.

Don’t worry yourself Anto, one day you’ll hear one, maybe even see one and when ya do, the smile will be on the other side a yer face, snapped Topcoat.

Red felt a tug on the back of his coat.

Ya left out a family ya know there Red, commented Po.

Did I, which one?

The Fallons.

Ya could be right there, I think there was another name now that I think of it.

Yeah, it’s the Fallons all right and all the names that come from Fallon.

What names? Red played along.

Let’s see, there’s the Fallons, the Fallsons, the…holy shit.

What?

Ya know, I think Falsoni would be taken from Fallon.

Jasus, he’s off with the shit again. Ya should be locked up Po for your own safety, laughed Anto.

Ok, so don’t believe me if ya don’t want ta. I’ll bet ya that some guy called Fallon went over ta Italy and settled there. It’s more than likely he ended up bein’ called Falsoni.

That’s the biggest load a shit I ever heard, laughed Anto.

Well, maybe not, intervened Red.

I heard about an Italian guy that landed in Dublin and they couldn’t pronounce his name…what was it now…Lisonie or Lawonie or something and he ended up being called Lewis…and it stuck.

More shit.

Naw, its true sure enough Anto.

Well, anyway…there’s no such things as Banshees…it’s all auld wives tales.

Later that day Red met up again with Po.

What was all that about this mornin’?

Settin’ that frigger up. He’s always settin’ one of us up, it has ta be near enough his turn by now…huh?

You’re right ya know, he’s always in the middle of somethin’ or other…but we’ve never got around ta settin’ him up yet, have we?

Now we have ta come up with a plan and it should have somethin’ ta do with the Shees.

Gottya.

It’ll take some plannin’ ya know…ta get it right.

I’ll leave that ta your own good wee self Po; you’ll come up with a good un.

Three days later Red and Po were sitting on a wall at the back of Red’s house on Castle Street.

Jasus, I’ve got it! said Po suddenly.

Are ya gonna give it ta me?

Shut up a minute.

Ya need help, de ya know that?

Shush…let me think.

Po jumped off the wall and paced up and down for a few minutes while Red, chin in hands, watched him.

"Who’s that guy in class 3A that’s into