Gnome Home Papers

2012 by S. Louis King. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 02/05/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4634-3317-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4634-3316-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4634-3313-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012905852

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Illustrations by: DANIELKINGART@YAHOO.COM

CONTENTS

Alfred My Story

Daily Snapshots

Arlington Archosaur Site Part II

Alfred’s Poems

La Hac Awwni And Starr

Prologue Take Another Lap

DEDICATED

TO

DEBORAH

DANIEL

SARAH

MELISSA

MICHAEL

LARYSSA

BROTHER ART

THE CORE GROUP

OF THE

ARLINGTON ARCHOSAUR SITE

ALFRED

MY STORY

A short story for anyone to read in their spare time. It’s about a semi-literate alligator with a mouthful of crooked teeth who may walk up to you any time. He’s harmless, sometimes, depending on what side you find yourself on. I pity the poor fool. He’s a trickster. Be careful, times will test even the best of people. Money will have no value as to its character.

Alfred. He likes to be called that name. It was the one that he gave me when I first met him. It must have been easy to say on his overly large stained crooked teeth. Anyway, on this quiet glorious sunny morning, I heard a very faint rumble from the outside, coming closer from down the street.

Ahhh… right on time as usual. Every Monday morning for the past three months running. The strangest sight though… is his dark forest green Norton Motorcycle and sidecar. It sputters to a stop in front of my large store front window.

I watch with a growing smile on my face as he with much practiced motions as he gets his stubby legs off the cooling Norton. This dark green machine with the gleaming chrome sparkles in the strong sunlight. He looks down the street and slowly scans back up, from whence he came. It reminds me of a western gunslinger on the telly. Looking for imaginary trouble and not finding any, he slowly removes the goggles and the black leather helmet. Those items are from a bygone era. When men were heroes to fly in those fragile aeroplanes, up in the air looking down on the earth as gods.

Oh, I digress so easily, but I’m brought back to the present as the door jangles open, just as the old large grandfathers clock booms seven times. In he strides and slowly scans the sunlit room.

Alfred is wearing a tan wool jacket, a pinstriped brown vest and a dark green tie. Black pants. He’s replaced his head gear with a fashionable tan derby which was stored in the sidecar. Which I missed when my head was in the clouds.

My store, called Mr. Kinge’s Fine Imports Emporium on Daffyd Street, has held his curiosity now because what I sell. It’s on Daffyd Street, one street from over that tragic accident last week. My, my, terrible thing to happen. Those poor people…

. . . Good Morning Stephen! Tis another fine start to the day is it not!

His toenails clacked on the darkened wooden boards as he walked back an forth in front of me.

Good Morning to you too Alfred. Good to see you again. Just let me know if I can help you with anything.

Today, Alfred looks very closely to the five shelves on the right side of the store. He walks down that aisle. Picks up a few cans and reads the contents. He places the items back on the shelf and walks back and forth.

He is now at the back wall with its six shelves. Click, clack, click, clack goes his toenails, like that of a slow metronome. And now coming along the left wall with the seven shelves. Very methodical in his unhurried way. I occasionally peer over my morning newspaper, The Daily Journal, and sip my hot steaming coffee and watch him. Also intrigued and looking at the increasing amount of dust motes in the streaming sunlight coming through the front window.

Alfred finally clacked his way to me and pointed with his boney claw to a Red and Yellow striped can of raw catfish, that been on sale for the past two years. You should have seen his luminous blinking green eyes. There were big tears welling up and beginning to flow. Now, if he were a croc… . He wanted three of those of the three pound variety.

He is staring past me to the four shelfs where this one extraordinary can resided. I picked up my gotcher to grab a hold this one can that rest on the top shelf. I blew off the thick covering of accumulated dust and we both sneezed with vigor and cleared our clogged throats out of the rear door in the alley. Hey… it’s a guys store here, whatcha want us to do, spit on the floor?

I carry some off brands that are more difficult to find. If I don’t have it, I know who does. Good thing Alfred picked up a wooden box from his sidecar when he came in. He pointed to three more cans of the five pound weight class.

Please Sir, there’s more!

He pleaded like a child in a candy store. Which by the way is just next door to me. With those crooked teeth though… .

Sir, come with me.

As Alfred shuffled towards the back wall I followed like a dutiful executioner trailing with the ever ready gotcher. Clack, click, clack, click went his toenails. I had to side step several times his swishing tail. This very reason I didn’t have aisles.

Several more cans/boxes caught Alfred’s attention with equal happiness. Cat’s Meow, Dog’s Day, Chicken Delight, Pig’s Pickings. And of course, my handy dandy gotcher came into use for those hard to reach items stored on the top shelf.

In all my years in this fine establishment I have never been able to sell this stuff… er merchandise, until today! Alfred’s wooden container overflowed with items and the flowing dust was like a smoke screen as we trudged back to the front counter. The ceiling fan caught the rotating dust… .

As I rang up the various culinary speciality delights on my ancient cash register I profusely thanked Alfred on his good taste!

He replied very quickly to me as he paid for his bill, De Missus would be proud in what I found. Queenie and I ‘ave a very delicious repast. Oh, ‘ow She cooks!

Sir, there’s more! I ‘ave a question for you!

I stopped from what I was doing and looked up from the cash register, I saw a gleam in his large unblinking green eyes that I haven’t seen before. The intensity! It kinda put me on edge, not knowing what to expect from this very energetic loquacious Alligator.

Once again His mouth takes up from where he stopped.

Since I ‘aven’t asked Queenie yet… I ‘ave the makings of a Great Feast… ‘ould ye be our Guest? Queenie ‘asn’t been ‘er usual self lately!

Alfred hasn’t spoken with this much passion in the past three months since I’ve known him. He’s always talked with an accent but now… it’s like something being squeezed and sucked down a sewer drain.

I held out my hand to Alfred and said.

Hey, slow down, Alfred! Take a deep breath. Sure, sure, just name the time and I’ll be there!

Little did I realize what could happen if and when I showed up. Just to escape from what I trapped myself in with Alfred with my sudden happy mouth, I replied to Alfred, Make sure Queenie understands what you got her into! She may not want just anyone off the street to show up at her front door.

I was desperately looking for a way out when Alfred slightly confirmed my misgivings when he said, She be dying to meet ye!

Alfred just stared at me seconds far too long for my comfort.

Alfred put all the items in the wooden box, clacked his way to the front door and I opened the clanging door and he ambled to his Norton motorcycle. Alfred placed the box in the sidecar, replaced his derby for the black leather helmet, goggles. He gracefully balanced his bulky body on the machine, pushed the button on to start the engine. The Norton rumbled into life, roaring oily blue smoke. He roared off down the quiet street, waving his right arm in the air and turned right at the corner and disappeared. I stayed out on the sidewalk, listening to the heavenly sound of the Norton and the warmth of the early morning sunshine on my face.

ALFRED

I was home this early morning, getting ready for work. Drinking the last dregs of the barely luke warm coffee and putting the glass mug in the kitchen sink. Good Stuff! I took a deep breath and steeled myself for another wonderful day. I turned to walk to the locked kitchen side door to unlock it. The front door bell chimed. Hmmm, who could that be I thought? Good timing on someone’s part! Tell them to go away, no one home. Going to work… all sorts of excuses ran through my mind.

As I unlocked the three different locking bolts from the heavy oaken front door, sunshine greeted me in warmth… and there’s an Alligator standing there! On my front door step!

Apparently he saw my open mouth and astonished face and he started to introduce himself to me.

‘ello!, he said, quite distinctly but with a slight lisp as he took off his tan and white derby.

I was somewhat taken aback by his neat appearance and why would he show up at my door. I mumbled something of a friendly hi back to him and asked, What can I do for you?

He said very smoothly, My name is Alfred and I’ve been sent to this address for work, eh, ‘ere’s me work card of employment!

I was still at a loss for words why someone would send him to my house looking for work. Highly unusual! Anyway, I put out my right hand to shake his hand, he quickly thrust his employment card into my hand. If and when I find out who did this, well… .

Alfred just stood there as I hurriedly scanned the much written up record of his recent hirings. His large unblinking green eyes just bored into mine as I read the report. This made me jumpy about something, let alone with his highly stained crooked teeth, that occasionally clacked together.

Pardon me Sir, since we’re standing on yer porch, could I trouble ye fer a glass of water? It’s fer me nervous condition! Nothing life threatening though!

I must say, his manners are impeccable and he’s quite charming, great personality too.

I replied, Sure, come on in, watch your head as you walk in. And of course, the kitchen is in back of the house.

He kinda filled the doorway and that ridged tail of his, snaked every which way. I had to move somethings around to accommodate him.

As Alfred waddled through the living room, my cat, Cat, saw him, fainted dead away. Usually Cat hisses then faints! Cat was one of those type cats that takes over a home and you’re the boarder!

I wanted to let Alfred know about Cat.

I said, Oh, don’t worry about him, Alfred. He does that all the time!

I turned to look at Alfred as I spoke, Alfred had one of his clawed fingers in his stained teeth. His darting eyes caught mine looking at Cat and back to me. Hmmm… trouble brewing over this right off!

So I did a little fast cough to get his attention and we resumed our hike to the kitchen. I reached up to the dark walnut cupboard where I kept the tall glasses.

As I was getting the glass down I said to Alfred, He’s maybe an old cat but he’s my old cat. Don’t go near him!

Apparently I caught Alfred off guard for his answer was, . . . Aye, Sir, as you want, Sir. I won’t give’im another glance, Sir. I ‘ope Sir, that this will not reflect on me record?

I looked at him squarely in the eye, he gave me those big round alligator eyes of his. Oh, he’s a sly one!

Do you want any ice cubes in the glass?

No, water ought do just fine. Thank you, Sir.

By the way, Alfred, what type of work are you looking for? I like to match up my potential employees with work they like to do. Your card mentions you work with animal control shelters, outdoor game officer.

I quickly thought to myself, this has to do with animals plus alligator that equals with food! Right up his ally!

Ahem… it also states you also worked in a China and Dry Goods store. Plus you also were a part time butler in Louisiana. Nothing like a bull er alligator in a China Store. Imagine the tail!

Alfred chugged the water and placed his empty glass on the granite countertop and says, Well, Sir, I did like that job when I was working that Dry Goods Store a few years back in Louisiana. That’s where I bought me hat and something frilly fer da Missus! What a woman, She is, Sir! That’s when it all happened.

He sniffed and for a minute there I thought he would cry. Just one big gator tear fell. I just handed the Kleenex box to Alfred in case he might need them.

I asked Alfred what happened to his Missus as he called her. I didn’t want to appear too nosey. You never know what the big guy might want to tell me when he’s down and out.

You wouldn’t mind sharing with me, Alfred? You don’t have to at the moment.

Oh brother, how did I get this maudlin? This mano to gator thing?

No… it’s okay with me, Sir. Me wifey, Queenie went native on me one day. I should have seen it coming though! Queenie would say the oddest things and get that odd gleam back in ‘er eyes… . We never ‘ad kids, Sir, it’s a good thing I suppose… .

He trailed off in a world of his own.

Alfred, I don’t mean to intrude into your private matters. Queenie went native or do you mean Queenie went after a native?

I was puzzled why his wife would do this, but I’ll leave that to Alfred to explain.

Oh, pardon me, Sir… I ‘ave a regrettable ‘abit of wandering alone in the foothills of me thoughts whenever Queenie been mentioned.

Alfred still looked and sounded faraway in the next holler of his thoughts.

I happened to look at my ancient Timex watch and made a loud gasp at the time! It’s 830AM! I should have been at The Office at least 30 minutes ago!

I yelled, Alfred we need to go now! If you want, I’ll take you to work and we’ll continue our talk along the way!

Alfred replied, Certainly Sir, that would be fine. I ‘ope you ‘ave a fairly large car? There’s a lot of me to fit in. Oh, I really didn’t plan for this to ‘appen this way, but lets go!

I must have been a bit overly concerned about Cat. Cat is nowhere to be found as Alfred and I went to the kitchen side door. That in it self was not highly unusual, Cat was always at the side door, wanting that last rub down. But I guess considering my guest, I can understand his timidity. I did a shout out, See you later Cat, have fun!

I locked the side door and walked the red brick lined pathway to the Shed. Since it was one of those rare sunny, warm mornings, the flowers were in full bloom. Their fragrance is a bit over powering today. Bees buzzed everywhere. Doing their thing. I was a fit to be tied! I had a sneezing jag that wouldn’t quit!

The sneezing finally stopped by the Shed. A simple old shack. With a sway back roof. Someday I’ll have to put more supports to hold up the roof. Moss is growing on the slate roof which made it look like this belonged in a deep, dark, dank forest somewhere. I took off the wooden bar and open the wooden double doors. Sunlight filtered through the dust motes floating lazily in the air. Through this haze it lit up my forest green Norton Motorcycle with attached sidecar.

Alfred took one look at the Motorcycle and quickly said, "Oh dear!

And I said, Oh, oh! This is going to be interesting!

Just a sec, Alfred. I need to wheel this out of the Shed. It makes a terrible racket if I start it in here! Neighbors, you know.

I pushed and grunted as usual and the bike tires crunched on the dirt floor.

Isn’t she a beauty, Alfred?

I turned to look at Alfred. He was still in the Shed, scratching the top of his head.

He said to me in a puzzled pained way, You want me to sit where? I can see this is going to be a tight pinch, but if the Grinch can do it, so can Alfred!

I turned the key in the ignition box and soon had the throaty rumble of the engine purring. Pointing to the seat, I said, Okay, Alfred, hop in the sidecar.

As he did, the whole right side of the bike kinda tilted to the right. No problem… . After much wriggling and getting much of his tail in, we started down the crunchy drive.

Hold on Alfred, we’re going to turn left.

And as we did, the whole contraption cascaded over to the right in slow motion. Alfred is on the roadway and I am left dangling over him, holding on for dear life. I managed to shut off the whinning engine and it sputtered to a stop.

Okay Alfred, we got a problem!

I carefully climbed off the bike. I had to carefully extract Alfred out of the sidecar. With that done we gently lowered the motorcycle to it’s rightful position. Cars honked at us, carefully driving around us. I started it back up and drove it to the Shed and Alfred walked back.

I was thinking about the dilemma we are in. I could take off the panels and just leave the frame open. That’s when I felt a slight tap on my shoulder.

Alfred in his quiet way spoke, Hello… anyone home here?

I said, I have and idea if I take off the… .

I’ve a better idea, Sir. How about I drive and you sit in the sidecar?

He said that with such a straight face, I busted out laughing!

That’s really good, Alfred, really funny! How would that look, an alligator driving a motorcycle? What a sight! Ha, ha, ha!

It’s been done before, Sir! By me! It’s been a few years now, since I’ve done that stunt… but you need to get to work and there’s no other way. Find me a helmet and goggles and we’ll be on the road again.

Yes, we must get to The Office today!

I ranted and raved for a few moments looking in the old storage bin. I lifted the rusty creaking lid and found what I was looking for. My Granddad’s WWI leather flying helmet, goggles and scarf. My hands were shaking from the memory of my Grandfather and what Alfred looked like. I shouted with emotion to Alfred, Hey, Alfred, look what I found! Try these on for size!

I don’t know, Sir, the Helmet and Goggles fit like a charm. I don’t do scarves, Sir. It’s not me style!

I had to chuckle at the remark by Alfred. He had style? Not what I’m seeing at the moment. Wearing the flying helmet and goggles, a dark blue pin striped suit, vest, whitebutton down shirt with a wide black and white tie. What a sight to behold.

Alright, Alfred, let’s git ‘er done!

I tossed him the Motorcycle keys and I hopped in the sidecar. Alfred managed to get aboard the Norton. He cranked up the engine, we slowly drove down the drive to the street. I told him to turn left, go straight until we reach the intersection and turn right. It will be the fourth building on the left.

He looked left and then right and then we roared out of the drive into the busy morning road. What a morning! What a sight we are: an Alligator in a Brooks Brothers suit, wearing a leather helmet and goggles and his tail whipping behind him and me in the sidecar. Holding on for dear life. I was wondering where in the world would Alfred ever learn how to ride a motorcycle, when he began passing cars… .

. . . he’s passing cars like crazy… oh man, not now… my Blackberry Tablet is buzzing like a mad Bumble Bee. I take my eyes off the frentic scene all around us and take a quick glimpse at my wrist pager. In the message, big bold black words scrolled across the screen like ants on a mission:

INPT OFC MTG… WHR… R… U? U… R… WY… LT! BRD… WLKD… OT… .

This world and my work world were flashing before my eyes. When worlds collide! I forgot what day is at The Office. This morning, now one hour old, was a closed door bull session with our arch rival company’s takeover bid. Resistence is futile type takeover, but I issued a company wide memo: REPEL ALL BOARDERS, if you want your jobs!

I promised my crew that I would stay the course and not concede to their offers. And now where am I? Facing certain death any moment in this rocketing sidecar with Alfred at the controls. But it couldn’t be any better at The Office.

I looked up just in time to see the rapidly approaching intersection with the traffic light still green. Alfred is leaning forward, slightly hunched over the handlebars, gunning the already highly revved engine. We were supposed to be in the right lane to turn. I was beginning to get a bad idea of what he is trying to do! There is an 18 wheeler double tandem trailer in that lane. No Alfred… noooo!

We looked at each other at the same time and instantly knew what each other is thinking. It is bad, so awful even to attempt it. I could feel the motorcycle going through the lower gears to time this just right.

I must say Alfred had the guts even to think it, but it happened so fast. Do or die! Alfred leaned way over to the right, almost in my lap and I was leaning almost out of the sidecar. Even with all our weight and leverage, I don’t know how we ever made it. We are UNDER the double trailer with only about ½ inch clearance. The only casuality is Alfred’s tan and white derby. The top part is sliced off rather neatly!

With the air horn of the big rig behind us still blaring in our ears, we or I should say Alfred did the samething to another semi in the front coming towards us! HE’S GOTTA BE CERTIFIFIABLE! I’m just here for the ride. How we ever survived… and slid sideways into the parking space and the engine gasped to a stop!

Wow! Whew!

I glanced at Alfred, he is barely bothered by the event that just happened. Cool as a cuke!

Me? My heartbeat is way past the thumping stage, hot all over and very weak knees.

As I tried to get out of the sidecar, my left foot betrayed me. I fell face first in the freshly manured flowerbed. That sure will leave an impression in the ground. If I was all hot and bothered before I really stink now.

Alfred just said, Oww, that’s gotta smell!

But he did not laugh.

He knew his place.

I took off my light blue jacket and the highly stained dark blue shirt. I used the ruined shirt to wipe my face and hands as best I could, hopefully getting most of the stuff off. I glanced over to Alfred for his approval, he just shook his head.

I was too much of a gentleman to really comment on my current situation. I still had a white t-shirt on, we strode up the five steps and opened the front door to The Office. As coolly as I could muster I greeted the front secretary, Miss Laryssa Lambros.

Good Morning, Miss Lars! Could you take care of this, will you please? I was out in the flower bed, just now! Oh, by the way, great perfume!

Her short dark hair has a tinge of white highlights, really looked great. Her dark blue eyes were really large when she saw me, kinda clouded over when she caught a whiff of the aroma that flowed over and around her.

I just smiled and said, It’s a new men’s cologne, Primal Forces, that arrived just this morning! From your expression you don’t care for it. No problemo!

Lars quickly walked away, holding the offending jacket and shirt and shoes at arms length. What a tall woman she is. Wearing a bright sunny knee length dress.

Anyway, with that done, a small group of employees began to gather at the front desk. All are talking in hushed tomes, looking at Alfred and me. I quickly sized up the situation and punched The Office wide intercom and spoke loud and clear: ATTENTION ALL DEPARTMENT HEADS, SENIOR STAFF MEETING IN 10 MINUTES, IN MY OFFICE!

That took care of all the people that had gathered around Miss Lars desk and they went back to doing their business.

Let’s go, Alfred. I need to clean up, my office is over there. I pointed to a large corner office. "Alfred take off your dead hat, helmet and goggles, your scaring the lab rats!

We walked to the heavy oaken double doors to My Space, and I said to Alfred, Make yourself at home, I’ll be right back, I’m hitting the showers."

By the time I was finished showering and finding my clothes, the last person walked through and sat down at the big chair—me.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Court, I apologize for not being here on time. I’m here now! Before we go on, I want y’all to meet Alfred. He’s going to work with me, where, I don’t know at the moment.

But I warn you, don’t take any motorcycle rides with him if you are late for a meeting. I found out the hard way, just ask Miss Lars.

Now, down to brass tacks folks. What’s the bottom line! As I see it, we refuse to accept their takeover bid. We’ll go on attack and raise the bid to takeover their business!

Just give me the briefest outline and put that on my desk to sign. I’ll get back to y’all asap! We’re going to beat this and they will cry uncle. I gotta go but I shall return. Enjoy the Day! Call that Restaurant that youse guys like a lot and order anything you want. It’s on The Office!

Alfred spoke up, Ah, Boss, can I stay, for the food that is?

No!

Everyone laughed!

A lot of shouting and hand clapping broke out.

With that, I motioned to Alfred we are leaving. The group surrounded him and greeted him with much enthusiasm like a long lost employee that has come back to the fold. I can see that in his eyes, it really moved him.

I lead the way through the entourage with Alfred in tow. We walked past Miss Lar’s desk. She stood up and said that my clothes were washed and ready.

I thanked her and asked her to put them in my closet.

Miss Lars replied, looking at me with her dark blue eyes sparkling, Yess Boss, I already did that for you. Anything else I can do for you?

I’ve always been uncomfortable with that statement when someone said that, especially when she said it! As tall as she is, 6 feet, she hovered over me like some personal angel. There wasn’t a significant other in her life. Very statuesque. I’m height challenged myself, so there wasn’t a given on this. Gnome vs Goddess.

Whoa, where am I going with this? Git yer mind back on track… .

C’mon Alfred, we need to go.

As we pushed through the doors, Alfred made a remark to me, Sir, I think she has a crush on you!

I laughed at his insight, "Alfred… don’t go there. Alright Alfred, let’s get one thing straight around here! Miss Lars is off limits to me… she’s untouchable! Out of my league. Besides, if you haven’t noticed, I would need a step ladder just to see eye to eye with her. She would never consider… enough of this… we need to do things today!

I held up my hand to further quash any further outburst from Alfred. He knew that I held the upper hand in this.

We had walked back to the Norton while discussing my apparent problem with Miss Lars. Alfred and I lingered before getting in the sidecar. Now Alfred kept quiet and let me think I had won this round. But his eyes gave him away again, theres something cooking in that brain of his and it ain’t this hot sunshine!

Once again I surrendered the keys to Alfred. I know my place is in the sidecar. Alfre no longer had the tan and white derby on, he is wearing the helmet and goggles. He started the Norton with a mighty healthy roar of the engine.

Alfred, the first thing is home. I have to make some private phone calls around town and then get you settled in. Go into town to the Men’s Club to find some suitable clothes for yourself. If need be, bring your things out to the House. What would you say that you become my Secretary, Personal Confidant?

That, Sir, would be right smart! You’ll never regret the day that you hired me, Sir! I promise you that. Thank you, Sir!

I made a final look towards The Office and there is Miss Lars standing outside the front door. On impulse I wave goodbye to her and she waved back! That’s a first for Miss Sunshine!

At the same time, Alfred gunned the Norton’s engine and we blasted out of the parking lot into the busy street. We did not encounter anymore semi’s on the way home.

CHAPTER II

We slowed down enough to turn right into the gravel drive. Rumbled to a stop in front of the Shed. I hopped out of the sidecar and unbarred the wooden doors. Alfred pushed the old Norton in with ease and walked back out and I closed the doors and put back the bar across the doors.

I remarked to Alfred as we stood there for a moment shaded by the tall oak tree by the drive, It’s great to be home in one piece after this mornings ride. I was rather amused with myself and the way things turned out at The Office, meaning, I still have my company and job!

Alfred must have read my mind a bit too much and gone around the bend without me, because he said, Aye, she is a beautiful woman and very outgoing!

I let that slide, for I knew the game was playing and trying to do! If he can make protest too much, he thinks that he has me on the hook and keep pressing the issue. I didn’t even look in his direction but I could feel those big alligators eyes on me. He’s sneaky, that one!

I was reaching for the side door key in my pants pocket when Alfred side stepped me and had the door open instantly!

Alfred, how in the world did you do that?

I am astonished by his many hidden talents that have come into light since this morning at my front door!

Ah, Sir, that be me secret, but if ye really want to know, it might be the wrong type of information to be knowing. If ye know what I mean by that Sir!

Alfred just winked at that.

Hmmm… I guess that secret knowledge has a price has a price, eh Alfred? I guess I’m going to be the recipient of that fount of knowledge sooner or later. I hope Alfred, all this leading up to something?

He nodded.

Oh, by the way, Alfred, to keep things on the up and up, please have a key made up for yourself for this door and the front door.

Aye Sir.

And he shuffled through the door into the kitchen after me.

Lunch time rolled around, we both prepared hot sandwiches and coffee and placed our fixins on the table. Cat came strolling out from somewhere, meowing until he saw Alfred.

Jumped straight up he did, hissed and flung himself, claws and fangs leading the way. Alfred merely turned to his left, Cat just bounced off the kitchen wall and fell in a clump of fur in the corner. Not another sound was heard.

I am watching Alfred to see what he would do. He looked at me with a puzzled alligator look and I nodded to him. He ambled over to Cat and poked at him several times in the ribs with his right foot. Nothing happened.

"Sir, he seems to be quite out of it. You don’t see any harm if I pick him up, do you, Sir?

Alfred, be my guest. You guys seem to be at odds with each other from the start this morning.

I watch as Alfred is puzzled how to pick up the knocked out cat. Cat is very limp.

Sir, he’s still breathing. Nothing seems to be broken. Maybe if I run some water over his face will do the trick.

Alfred took a few steps towards the sink.

Alfred, I really don’t think that will do it!

I started to protest Alfred’s plan and started to rise from the chair. I tried to tell Alfred how cats don’t like water, especially being drowned in the kitchen sink.

Cat began to meow weakly and struggle to get out of Alfred’s arms. This mass of roiling fur and straight legs, hissing and what I call snarling from Alfred, erupted all over the kitchen.

Me as the innocent bystander, noticed the Cats eyes and Alfred’s eyes all turned red at the same time. I stepped out of harms way. I did not want any part of this and I knew my life hung in the balance if I stayed. All I heard as I headed out slowly the side door was a roaring, ripping of an expensive suit and a horrendous caterwauling of Cat and Alfred in a death and life epic struggle!

I could not peer in through the high kitchen windows because of the thick thorny rose bushes. And the legions of bees… didn’t want them mad either. From time to time, stuff crashed to the Italian tile floor. The kitchen breakfast table is being thrown back and forth, finally crashed against the side door, causing the hinges to buckle somewhat.

Alfred hollered something to Cat and that really ticked off both of them, royally this time. Neither backed off. I could drawers being pulled out and crashing to the floor. And then Alfred bellowed insanely.

Cat, come ‘ere now! Look at what ye did to me best suit. And I ‘ave the purrfect solution for ye. Do ye know ‘ow it feels to be sliced, diced, and quartered, while alive? I don’t but ye will. Ye can run but ye can’t ‘ide from Alfred!

It was quiet for a second or two and then all heck broke loose! Alfred found the knife drawer. I heard every thunk of a knife pinging into a wall somewhere in the House. And then the terrible cry of pain from Cat! I dared not enter into the War Zone, with them stll running amok. Someone, I think, might not come out alive from this fracas.

From somewhere in the back of the House I saw around the corner an explosion of a window shattering and saw Cat sailing out in the backyard. All the while caterwauling fiercely. I’ve never seen him move any faster in his entire life! He ran straight up in the huge pine tree in the backyard. All the way to the top. From where I amstanding, more than ¾ of his tail is missing. There are deep notches in both ears.

As I am craning my neck to watch this fleeing upwardly mobile Cat, Alfred is attempting to exit by the kitchen side door. He hurled the now broken kitchen table through the splintering door and finally emerged from the house. Oh, I could tell he is not in a good mood!

His one good functioning eye, the right one, is all red and he looked like a fire breathing dragon that had a good tussle with Sir George or was it Michael?

His dark blue Brooks Brothers suit hungs in tatters, who used knives on whom? Alfred is chugging really hard, like he had run a marathon and then gone toe to toe with Freddie Kruger.

Alfred’s left eye is very puffy and entirely closed, scratches all over his head. The tip of his tail is missing a few plates of armor.

He looked all around the backyard and the Shed. He found me and hobbled towards me; he looked up and then spotted Cat. He roared mightily with renewed hot anger. Cat is holding on for dear life at the very top while a female Magpie is badgering the poor animal unmercifully.

In a voice very controlled, Alfred asked, Sir, perchance might you ‘ave an ax or better yet a chain saw that I might barrow? I’ve got a wee job that needs finishing.

I meekly pointed to the Shed. What was I doing? Am I sending Cat to his death. I need help and it should have been here five minutes ago!

As Alfred lumbered his way to the Shed, I quickly dialed The Office. Miss Lars answered and I panicked somewhat that I needed help… .

Alfred came back out of the darkened interior, dragging the heavy ancient two man chain saw across the neatly mowed yard and leaving deep furrows in the moist ground from the long blade.

Alfred finally drug the heavy chain saw to the doomed tree. He began pushing the starter button to enrich the old cantankerous engine into life. He began to shake so bad, I thought he is having a heart attack.

That soon passed and Alfred is frantically pulling on the starter cord. Once, twice, thrice… it failed even to cough. You should have heard the terrible oaths that came from his mouth! It did not help him to start the chain saw. He started again to shake even worse now and he had to lean against the tree for support. Alfred just slid down and keeled over.

I ran over to Alfred, kneeled, and felt for a pulse… he just passed out due to all the excitement. Whew… that’s good… this is finally over… I ain’t putting my lips there!

. . . all I heard next, was the high pitched sound of a car engine getting louder. I looked up… it’s sliding on the loose gravel… ground level with the prone Alfred… the two headlights and grill just inches from my concerned face. It’s way too late to say any real significant prayers but Oh Darn! It’s gonna hurt for just a second or so!

Sir, are you alright?

I opened my right eye, hoping to see my heavenly angel… it is Miss Sunshine to my rescue! She is about to slap me further awake when I caught her incoming wrist. My, how dainty!

Oh, hi, Miss Lars! Did you bring the rest of the troops with you?

Miss Lars helped me to stand back up.

She replied that everyon is busy in The Office is busy with the takeover bid to come out here. They hoped you would understand.

Miss Lars looked at the prone form of Alfred, the Shed, the squawking bird and the crying cat, the splintered kitchen door. She said in a shocked stunned voice, What happened here? Who beat up Alfred and why is his clothes all ripped up? Did you guys surprise a burgler when you came home?

I held up my hand to make her stop. I calmly said, Alfred and Cat had a slight misunderstanding, that’s all! They will get over it. Here, let me help you through the door. Do you want some coffee?

Miss Lars nodded her head.

We made our way past the destroyed doorway. I picked up a few boards out of the way. She wanted to know if Alfred would be fine all by himself lying on the ground?

I showed her where the coffeepot is and where to find the coffee. I got a towel for Alfred and soaked it.

I left Miss Lars in the shambles of the kitchen and I went back outside to tend to Alfred. I tossed a few more pieces of lumber out of the way to make a better clearing. What a mess this is! Insurance should cover this, providing they don’t ask too many questions.

Alfred is still zonked out, but I didn’t think he needed medical attention, but still. There are some nasty looking cuts and bruises forming. Every now and then while I was tending to Alfred, a noise came back into focus. Some bird and a cat is raising up a storm.

Oh my gosh… Cat… I completely forgot him! He will certainly will need medical attention! And out of the tree! But how? He’s still at the top, swatting at the Magpie that is pestering him.

I yelled really loud for Miss Lars to come out here and help me.

Can You call this number for the cat vet. I’ll call a medical team for Alfred and a hook and ladder team.

I heard the sirens approaching.

In just a few minutes, the summoned medical personnel gathered around the now groggy Alfred, applying various pills and things to him. Patching up his left eye and the numerous cuts and bruises.

The Cat Vet is standing by, waiting for Cat to come down.

The Hook and Ladder guys just glanced at the pine tree where they saw the Magpie harassing Cat. They said, Piece of Cake… no problemo. He’ll be down in a flash!

The two men walked behind the lime green fire truck. They opened a single panel and pulled out what looked like a small 22 caliber rifle.

I asked them with a hint of concern in my voice, Whatcha gonna do with that?

One of the guys answered, First we got to get rid of that pesky bird bothering your cat. I’m not going up there in the bucket and having both of them attacking me. Second your cat is injured and will claw to death anybody trying to rescue him. This gun has a dart with a sedative. No problem. Once the dart hits the cat, its lights out in a matter of heart beats. Stand behind me and watch. You and the missus’s cat will be down in ten minutes in the bucket. Tally ho… .

His partner lifted the bucket up to where the animals are duking it out.

I said to the presumptious man, She not my missus!

Miss Lars head swiveled fast at the statement that came from my lips and moved closer to me.

She said, Did I miss something here?

Naw! The guy thought you are… my wife!

She laughed, That’ll be the day! In your dreams buddy!

I snorted, That’s where most things happen now days!

Laryssa wandered back to Alfred. Poor ole Alfred, who now is sitting up with his back to the tree. He really looks still out of it. His left eye has a black patch over it with a white gauze bandage wrapped over it. It made him look like a pirate or that Alligator that ate Captain Hook of Peter Pan.

Mac, the EMT guy who’s in the bucket, asked Stu to raise the bucket the full fifty feet. Mac put the rifle to his shoulder and fired the dart.

The cat who was still fighting the tormenting bird from hell, is hit in the hindquarters. The impact must have scared Cat, because he jumped out into thin air. The Magpie is hit by the cat and both tumbled downward. On the way down the bird and cat hit a large pine branch, it acted like a springboard, propelled them further out into space. The shooter, just loud enough for me to hear, Ouch, that’s gotta hurt!

Both of them are on a collision course with the fireman’s bucket! It’s is like in slow motion… .

. . . now my enraged cat is really ticked off, spitting nails and has all four of his legs out spread. Mac braced for impact. The bird and cat fell in the lowering bucket and both commenced attacking poor Mac.

Mac is hollering at the top of his lungs at both animals. The pecking, flapping bird and the hissing, scratching cat are all over Mac. He cried out, Hey, Stu, help me, one of us needs relief up here!

As the wobbly bucket quickly descended, Mac swatted the little crazy flying tormentor with the rifle stock. It went sailing to the ground. Like Davy Crockett at the Alamo. The last ten feet, the bloodied Mac jumped out and was quickly followed by Cat. What a little beastie he is!

I scooped us Cat into my arms as he tried to run past me. Cat promptly fainted dead away! Poor soul! He is just a frightful mess.

Notched ears, torn and plucked fur… and his tail… just a mere stub. Most of his whiskers bent, missing. Who would have guessed he would turn into such a Lion!

I and Miss Lars brought Cat to the waiting animal vet. We laid him on the lawn. The vet quickly looked him over and started patching him up. The fireman, Mac, who rescued Cat, is being treated by one of the EMT’s. Mac’s face and arms were just channels for the blood. His clothes are in tatters just like Alfred’s.

What a scene in my drive, like having the CSI crew over for tea! Red, yellow, blue emergency lights blinking off and on, EMT personnel helping with Alfred, the injuried Mac, Cat, Miss Lars, the curious bystanders. Let’s not forget my damaged House. What an afternoon! So many plans, so little time, all changed in a twinkling of an eye. Like I usually say—stuff happens. What a fine mess.

Miss Lars and I walked over to check with the injured Alfred. He looked more fierce now with his newly acquired pirate eye patch, along with his various bandages. His right arm is in a sling and a cast around his left knobby knee! All he needed to complete his ensemble is a peg leg. Argh… there be pirates!

CHAPTER III

About an hour later the human tide washed out of my drive. All of the EMT folks, Hook and Ladder crew, the curious onlookers, all vanished like the noontime fog. My little world is finally quiet but not restored. After going from room to room, I’m glad I did not stay. How anyone survived is beyond me.

I asked Miss Lars if she wanted to stay and to help to inventory the damage to the House. She replied that she felt compelled to, since none of The Office folks never came to answer the call to help. I told her that she would be compensated for lost wages. She didn’t say a thing.

We started in the kitchen… a total loss of everything… table, chairs, silverware, floor tiles.

Living Room… 60 inch LCD TV, grandfather clock, window frame, sofa and couches.

Hallway… the lovely wood paneling.

Spare bedroom… new sheet rock, paint.

My Bedroom… new bed, computer, 48 inch TV, Bose stereo, ceiling fan

On our way out back out to the kitchen, I found Cat’s tail still pinned to the lovely wood paneling by the huge stainless steel carving knife. I pulled the sideways bent knife out of the cluttered hallway and as I turned to show this lost trophy of Cat to Miss Lars, she merely slid down the other wall, passed out. Well, I guess that small revelation did not bode well for her. Now I have another problem on my hands… what to do with the tail… and what to do with Laryssa? How things keep on adding up for me.

I ran to the bathroom with The Cat’s tail in my hands. I wrapped the tail in a wet towel and placed it on the toilet seat lid, washed my hands and soaked another wash cloth for Lar’s face. I ran back out to her. I couldn’t pick her up in my arms, there’s too much overhang and I couldn’t drag her through this mess. So, good as any place she remained in this knife studded hallway, now minus the offending cat tail.

And of course, when anybody gets in a pickle of sorts, stuff happens. First the doorbell, second the phone… opposite ends of the House.

Where’s Alfred when you need him? He’s outside in the backyard, drugged out of his gourd… . Cat is in a large cat container, snoozing away. The phone rings again as does the doorbell. The door is priority one! I hated to leave Miss Lars there… the front door is a few steps away! I’ll just step outside the door and send whoever away.

I unlocked the semi blocked front door where the carpet bunched up during the melee. Before I could open the door, the oak door exploded inward and in rushed a group of the meanest black body armored helmeted men. I am thrown backward and as I fell to the hard Italian tile floor I am pinned beneath a hard plastic convex shield of sorts. I am tossed like a side of beef on my stomach, my arms are jerked behind me and zip locked as well as my legs. I did not have the time to protest this inhumane action because it happened so fast. These guys meant business from the git go! Would someone take out the garbage as y’all leave.

Stuff happened really fast when the bald headed Lieutenant looked around the hallway corner and found a woman sprawled on the floor. In a hallway covered in knives and blood and other debris. The rest of the House didn’t set his nerves to help him convince that nothing happened here. Ya sure… .

A lot of radio traffic erupted in the hallway, some very excited voices and very worried looks are cast at me. Aldo some of the strangest, dangerous looking weapons are being pointed at me, with those little red dots dancing over me. Tic tac toe. They wouldn’t, would they… get itchy trigger fingers.

I gained some of my misplaced courage from my resting place on the tile floor and asked, Who’s the Man in Charge here? I can explain everything here, just please remove these handcuffs!

Sir, the Lieutenant spoke as he tapped my ankles with his boot, you are to be quiet. Sergeant Major, bring in the Medical Team stat! We have an civilian woman with unknown injuries.

I turned my head to look at Laryssa. She is still out cold. A black clad trooper had removed the wash cloth from her forehead and carefully wiped her face.

The Lieutenant turned his attention back to me. This house is a mess! What happened here is none of my business, but you’re in a world of hurt.

I got very quiet and I spoke to the Lt. Sir, do you know what you are doing here? Are you at the right house? Take a look at your orders, what’s the address?

He laughed at me! He paid no attention to me and just let me lay there all hog tied up. Sure buddy, you are innocent just like the rest of the scum that we take in as specimens. Add ’em to our collection.

Just then the State Police Medical Team barges through the cluttered front hallway, gouged deep holes in the lovely wood paneling, knocking over an antique mirror, that shattered upon contact with the floor.

The Lt. just said, opps, did I do that? Add it to my bill, friend.

The med team made straightway to Miss Lars. The four of them crowded around her and set down their boxes of bandaids and placed on end a lime green colored stretcher leaning on the wall. It promptly slid to the floor with a loud bang as it crashed and broke into pieces a picture frame collection of fossilized croc teeth. They all talked medical lingo to each other as they attempted to find whats wrong with Laryssa.

Laryssa is beginning to return to this time frame and is a little bit confused to whats going on around her. She slapped the face of her closest benefactor, who is stunned at the fierceness, landed on his backside and tries desperately to get out of the way, crawling backwards… .

From over the noisy radio traffic her voice resounded with unbridled fury. Who’s in charge here and I want him here. Now!

She then vented on the lead officer of the EMT crew, leave me alone… I’m fine! Touch me again and you’ll be the one feelin’ pain.

They moved away, warily watching her and finally they left.

The Medical Officer told the Lt. that she’s fine, except for a little high blood pressure, considering what happened here.

I thought to myself… all she needed is red hair to match her volcanic temper! She slowly stood back up, with her back to the wall and looked about her.

I shouted to her, Miss Laryssa, good to see you are awake! These guys have me handcuffed for some reason when they busted through the front door. Tell these jokers that they are at the wrong house. Talk to their Lieutenant Borland.

The Lt made his way before Miss Lars. Oh boy, equal height, equal fire power. Da sparks gonna fly now! Go get him, Lars!

With the lieutentant blocking my very limited view I couldn’t hear Miss Lars but I saw how she said it! I heard the rustling of folded papers from the lieutenants’ shirt pocket of his BDU’s. Next thing I heard is, yes Ma’am, we’re leaving!

Lieutenant Borland, red in the face from the flaming retort from Lars, did a sharp about face and spoke forcefully into his headset. He briefly looked at me and drew his hand across his throat and then shook his hands. I grinned from ear to ear. I received his unspoken message… you can have her. She’s not mine!

He and his five man team quickly gathered their gear and left the same way they came. The last man out cut my bonds with his knife. You could still see the facial impression from Lar’s hand. She does that to everybody who meets her.

Miss Lars extended her hands to me and I am quickly restored to my feet.

Wow, what strong, dainty hands!

Thanks, I needed that. I must say Lars, you are quite strong! Work out?

No, I’m a concert pianist. Classical stuff. She beamed at me.

Go figure, I thought to myself. Jazz vs Classical. Oil and Water.

Speaking of water… .

Hey Laryssa, we better get Cat and our local pirate back in the House. Speaking of sleeping, I better open The Room… .

She turned on her heels, just as I was about to spill the beans and open the secret room with my secret key. What am I thinking about? Before we left this crime scene I asked Laryssa to help me to find my fossilized croc teeth. We found most of the 16 fossilized crocodile teeth, except for the really small ones that are ¼ inch long. We crunched our way through the debris field back through what is left of the kitchen side door.

When we walked outside, the sky had clouded over. The humid air smelt like rain, which is not far off. The wind had also picked up, gusting fitfully, out of the southeast. I looked at my cell phone for the time. 5:17PM! Holy Smokes! Where did all that time vanish to? So much fun… so little time… .

I looked upon the wheel chair bound Alfred. He is still snoozing away quite peacefully. He does look like a washed up pirate in an old age home. Whatever the emt guys gave to him, he would occasionally snore and snort. I just backed away, he needs his beauty sleep.

The Cat. Poor ole Cat, is still on his side, all stretched out on his right side. Poor guy. I wonder how many lives he used up today? I stroked his ruffled fur and I looked over to Lars. She had just put away her cell phone and smiled a clever little smile and guickly looked away, like she was caught doing something naughty.

My attention was diverted just as I am about to ask a question to Miss Laryssa of whom she talked to, when a old fashioned panel truck missed a gear as it turned into the gravel drive and stopped a few feet from us.

What a beautiful restoration job that was accomplished here, better than Detroit ever did in the first place. This bucket of bolts has some serious metalwork, looks hungry, especially to the snarling hood section and it’s oversized fenders. The paint job is exquisite—dark forest green with some serious gold metallic flakes. Huge low profile tires. Very dark tinted windows that I could not see in. This truck reminds me of the ones I’ve seen at the Texas House of Hot Rods in Mansfield last year. That one truck I would… .

The truck sign declared their intentions:

MURPHY’S LAW INTERIOR/EXTERIOR REFINISHER’S

Done in that old fashioned Gaelic Knot script. It’s pretty cool. Great name! Murphy’s Law. Did it apply here or is his twin brother running the show today? Just so much stuff happened since this morning. You never know when you wake up in the morning… .

The drivers darkened window rolled down, letting out a cloud of dubious whitish smoke. Cigars wafting in the breeze. The legal kind but of what nationality I know not of. Instantly my mouth watered for one of mine, which I ain’t got on me person. The driver just smiled at us with a hugh black cigar blazing away in a corner of his mouth.

Lars and I just looked at each other as we walked up to the noisy, raucous, strobe light