God of Our Single Years

God of Our Single

Years

by

Kevin Morgan

© 2005 Kevin Morgan. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 03/09/05

ISBN: 1-4208-0053-1 (e)

ISBN: 1-4208-0054-X (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4208-0053-1 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

Contents

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Singles Should Be Blessed Too!!

A SINGLES PRAYER OF BLESSINGS

God Of Our Single Years:

What Does God Have To Do With It?

Chapter 1

The Battle Begins

Chapter 2

Singleness: A Spiritual Perspective

Chapter 3

Is it A Black Thing and Do We Understand?

Chapter 4

Love: God’s Choice, Our Opportunity

Chapter 5

Black Love: Being Left Alone With Christ

Chapter 6

Relationships: A Powerful Spiritual Tool

Chapter 7

Romantic Relationships: In Luck or In Love

Chapter 8

Sex: Choosing The Straight Over The Crooked

Chapter 9

Sex: Practicing What We Preach

Chapter 10

African-American Sexuality: Satan’s Curses or God’s Blessings?

Chapter 11

Trouble in My Way

Chapter 12

Tricks Satan Uses Against Singles

Chapter 13

Characteristics of a Spiritually Healthy African-American Single

Chapter 14

The Battle Is Not Yours (Conclusion)

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

All glory, honor and respect to my Heavenly Father, the Uncreated Creator who gave me the inspiration and the nerve to write this book. Also, he kept me in perfect peace when I committed to writing full-time. To my dad, thanks for showing me through your actions and your choices that it is okay to put God first in your life and that it is okay to be different. May you rest in peace and keep watching over me, I still need your guidance. To my mom, I love you. (There, I said it. Are you happy now?) To Malcolm and Kamilah, you two will never know the depth of love I hold for you. Thanks for being the best things to happen to me and I want you to know that you are the reasons why I keep pursuing my dreams. To Pastors Jackson and Jamison, thanks for setting the standard not only spiritually, but also as compassionate and concerned African-American men. Thanks also for reading my manuscript as well as for the helpful insights and suggestions. To Verneda Hamm-Baugh, yours is a friendship that I have cherished from our days at Fisk University. Your encouragement and suggestions concerning this book were invaluable. To LBJ, thanks for not letting your outer beauty mess up your inner beauty. To CE, thanks for believing in me and also for letting me use your computer. To AG, thanks for your undying friendship and for your profound analysis of my manuscript. Thanks to my African-American brothers who know the difference between just talking and truly communicating. The world needs to hear what you have to say. To my African-American sisters, thanks to those of you who properly use your spiritual gift of influence. The world is better off because of you. May all of you, especially those who read this book, get to experience Black Love to the fullest extent.

ON THE COVER: This is an Adinkra symbol from the continent of Africa, which stands for I change or transform my life. It is my hope that this book will be part of the process that African-American Christian singles will use to transform their singleness to blessedness.

Acknowledgements

Preface

Singles Should Be Blessed Too!!

Singles Should Be Blessed Too!!

What God has for me is for me.

There’s a blessing with my name on it.

For singles, there are times when these words seem empty and without promise. It is not necessarily that we do not think God is capable of blessing us. Rather, the holes we have dug for ourselves or allowed ourselves to fall into seem so overwhelming. At times, we are so deeply entrenched in our valley experience that we begin to accept satan’s seductive whisper that:

• This is our destiny.

• We are supposed to feel defeated.

• Perhaps God’s grace has somehow passed us by.

We see it all around us. We hear the not so silent cries of despair. And it dawns on us that the sobs coming from the soul are not just our own. Indeed, we are not alone in the valley. We look to our left and we see some who have been smacked down by the worst of what life has to offer. We look to our right and we hear the anguished wailings of those who are tired of being sick and tired. We look behind and we see others who have stopped trying, who have just given up. We look ahead and we see the once bold now becoming afraid.

At times, singleness is not a pretty picture.

We do not like to admit it, but at times we get lonely. Other times, we may feel depressed. Then there are times when do not understand why members of the opposite sex behave the way they do. Truth be told, we sometimes do not understand why we did what we did. What was it about him that made me put up with his mess? What was it about her that blinded me to her issues? Quiet as it is kept, we sometimes agree that half a man or woman is better than none at all. Well, at least that is what we tell ourselves when no one is listening.

Sure, we keep up the façade. We repeat the myths that deep inside we know are not true:

• I can do bad all by myself.

• I don’t need a man or woman in my life.

In public, we are strong, confident, and happily single. With our public persona, we wish our friends could see us now. Because of the false aura of confidence that we project, they would see that we have this singles thing licked. They would marvel at how nothing can stop me nor get it my way. We may just get praised as the baddest singles that ever live.

Just don’t sneak into our secret places. You know, the place where we are not as bad as we wanna be. The place where, at times, we are like those other desperate singles that we laugh at when we are with our friends. The place that has recorded each tear shed because of the heartbreaks that came our way. The place that mocks us and says, I can’t believe you fell for that smile or believed that line.

No doubt, singleness is not always a pretty picture.

Right now, there are African-American Christian single women who:

• Are fighting off the physical and brutal abuse of the Black men who claim to love them.

• Have not had a positive and an esteem affirming relationship with an adult Black man in 5, 10 or more years.

• Are tired of crying themselves to sleep because they feel so alone.

• Are raising their children alone whose fathers do not pay child support nor do they live up to the title of daddy.

• Are trying to decide between having an abortion and telling her parents that she is pregnant.

• Keep hearing the ticking clock in their heads as they slowly sink into the fear of not ever having children as a married woman.

• Are tired of so-called men of God caring more about what is in between their legs than what is in their hearts and minds.

• Feel betrayed by all of those relationship and how-to-get a man books.

These women need to be blessed too!!

Right now, there are African-American Christian single men who:

• Are either hurting so bad or who are just so mean that they abuse their Black woman partners.

• Are so busy hitting and quitting it that they miss out on the beauty that is unequaled in African-American women.

• Desperately cling to a self-defeating view of masculinity that only leads them to berate the Black women who love them.

• Threaten their pregnant girlfriends to get that abortion.

• Claim to be the man but do not have a means of generating income nor sustaining themselves and their families.

• Have children they do not claim as theirs nor do they support nor help to raise.

• Easily misquote the scripture about women submitting but forget that real men love and protect their women.

• Are so filled with self-hatred that they do not care that they place Black women at risk of sickness or death because of their secret sexual activities

These men need to be blessed too!!

A SINGLES PRAYER OF BLESSINGS

Dear Lord, we come to you with a spirit of praise and thanksgiving. We praise you because you are worthy. We praise you because you have been so good to us even when we have not been faithful to you. Lord we thank you because you loved us beyond measure. We cannot explain it and we do not understand it, but we are thankful. May our lives be a living testimony of the praise and thanksgiving we have in our hearts for you.

As singles, we come to you asking for your guidance and your providence. We need you Lord to bless us. Bless us with your spirit. Bless us with your grace and mercy. Bless us with your forgiveness. Bless us with your guidance. Where we come up short, you make up the difference. When we grow weak, you be our strength. When we become afraid, you be our courage. When we get lonely, you become our joy.

Bless us Lord because we are your children. Bless us Lord because of your love. Bless us Lord because of the victories already won and those yet to come. May our hearts be forever stamped with the blessed knowledge that you are the God of our Single Years.

A Singles Prayer of Blessings

Introduction: What Does God Have To Do With It?

God Of Our Single Years:

What Does God Have To Do With It?

Introduction: What’s God Got to Do With It? - The journey of singleness has its ups and downs. At times, it seems the downs far outweigh the ups. Let’s be honest. When our journey is enjoyable and fulfilling, being single is great. During those times, serving and praising God is great and easy. But then we have those days when we would give our right arm to not be single anymore. We all have had those days when it would be nice to have someone to hold on to, to pay attention to us or display affection towards us. Probably the worst part of being single is the periods of loneliness we experience. It’s times like these when our journey to God gets rocky and we question him, ourselves and anyone else who we think might have some answers. This is the crux of our problems as singles. Just as God wants to bless us through our singleness and other gifts, Satan wants to use whatever he can, including our singleness, to block our blessings.

This book is designed for those times when singleness is not fun. During those times of frustration, we do not need trite clichés that leave us empty. We can do without the preachy do’s and don’ts that fail to uplift us. We do not need people who are skillful at playing word games that try to gloss over the real challenges we are struggling with.

What we need is to have our dual desires of pleasing God and of living abundant lives acknowledged. It is not the desires we have that are wrong. Rather, it is how we express them that place us at risk of separating ourselves from God. Any book on Christian singleness should empower us to navigate the path to these dual desires.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. (Psalm 73:25)

As Christian singles, our most intense desire should be to please God. If that were our only desire, then we would not need this or other books. However, our challenges arise from the other God-given desires that sometimes cloud our view of him who created us. More specifically, what we need is to develop a better understanding of how to fulfill our desires in a way that is consistent with our Christian journey.

In summary, this book should answer the question, How can my Christian journey as an African-American single person be enhanced? Each journey begins with an initial effort. Just getting to this initial step can be a significant challenge. As the journey continues, obstacles and inducements to change your focus must be dealt with. There will be times when the goal or finish line will seem unattainable. It is my prayer that this book will inspire those singles who want to have their spiritual lives enhanced to take that first step. And as challenges and diversions arise, I further pray that the goal of spiritual enlightenment will remain in focus. I trust that God will provide us the will, the tools and the support to successfully take this journey together.

Chapter 1 The Battle Begins

Chapter 1

The Battle Begins

Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers. (Luke 22: 31-32)

The Battle Has Begun - Whether we choose to recognize it or not, we singles are in a life and death spiritual battle. Satan wants us badly. His goal is to destroy our linkage with God and he will use whatever is at his disposal to accomplish this. He plots, he studies and he probes until he finds our vulnerabilities and then he strikes. And his attacks are relentless.

For singles, he uses our desires, hopes, fears and passions to distract us from our view of God. So for some of us, sex outside of marriage is nothing short of an effective tool of satan to weaken our spiritual health. For others, the pursuit of romantic relationships helps to distract us. Many of our resulting periods of depression, anger, fear and other negative emotions from disastrous relationships cause us to take our focus off God. At times, our feelings of loneliness blur our vision.

Other times, our faith is challenged by feelings of isolation in the face of constant reminders of our singleness. It seems that we cannot walk down the street, go to the mall, go to church, stay home or watch television without being bombarded with images of people in love and people in romantic relationships. Even as we are minding our own business, thoughts and feelings of love creep into our heads. It may be a song that reminds us of a cherished relationship from the past. It may be a restaurant where we first fell in love. Other emotional triggers might be the park, a movie, a book, holidays and the list goes on. While these feelings are normal, what makes us vulnerable to satan’s tricks is allowing these feelings to take root in our spirit.

Getting back to the above scripture, there is good news. Jesus knew what Peter and the disciples were up against. He knew that they would get weak and scared and that Peter would deny him. He knew that as he approached his darkest hour, they would not be there for him. Yet, he still prayed for them.

Victory In Jesus - For us, Jesus knows what we are battling against. He knows that we have not been faithful to him in the past and we periodically will falter. Even as we should understand that our singleness is not a curse, we sometimes allow ourselves to be victimized by negative feelings associated with our singleness. At time like these, we unwittingly concede defeat. But because of his grace and mercy, he still prays for us. He intercedes on our behalf that our spiritual failures will not be permanent. In fact, he predicts that we will overcome our struggles. …And WHEN you have turned back…. Jesus’ words to Peter suggest that Peter will eventually get it right. He tells Peter that his faith will sustain and redeem him. The same applies to singles. We can and we will overcome the challenges we singles face. We have a coach and a cheerleader interceding on our behalf. Whatever we may be going through, Jesus forecasts victory!

Jesus then finishes off that passage with the directive to strengthen his peers. Just as God will bless him, Peter is to share his blessing with others. So after we have overcome that broken heart or that period of loneliness or feelings of unfulfilled desire or passion, let us not forget to support each other. On our good days, we must share our sunshine with other singles that may be going through a storm. And hopefully, they will be there for us when it is our turn to struggle.

In our journey of singleness, we have been unfaithful to God at times. We have fallen. We have gone to forbidden places and have been disobedient. But Jesus is praying for us. We have been depressed, lonely, anxious, angry and full of lust longer than we should. But Jesus is praying for us. We have doubted if God really is looking out for us. But Jesus is still praying for us. Our life as singles does not have to be a testament to the persistence of satan. Rather, our faith can shield us during the battle and pick us up when we fall. And if we are obedient to him, we also have each other to fellowship with and to support.

New Way Of Thinking, New Results, New Victories - But, in order to prevent satan from using our singleness as a wedge between God and us, we have to adopt a whole new way of thinking and behaving. To put it bluntly, we have been fooled into accepting myths as facts. As Christians, we have to work at ridding ourselves of these false truths. Just as it seems easier to put on extra pounds than it is to take them off, so it is with the dead weight we have stored in our thoughts and feelings. We may start on a diet determined to lose that spiritual spare tire, but we will be tempted to stop and go back to the old way. The old way is comfortable and familiar. Also, the old way takes the responsibility from us for our spiritual well being. Under the old way, we are victims of circumstance. But just as those extra pounds can lead to a host of health problems and eventually death, so can spiritual dead weight threaten our communion with God.

A major objective of this book is to encourage African-American Christian singles to adopt new ways of looking at or thinking about:

Ourselves as African-Americans - Under the old way, many African-Americans have a deep-seated almost subconscious belief that the White man’s ice is colder. This is manifested in two ways.

First, we do not support each other. One example of this is the fact that we spend 97% of our hard-earned income outside of our community. ¹ This also extends to our avoidance of Black doctors, Black lawyers, Black building contractors and other professionals. In addition to Black businesses, we do not support each other by the lack of tithes we pay in our home churches, our reluctance to send our children to Black colleges and universities, our lack of attendance when major African-American entertainers or speakers come to our towns or cities, and through our skepticism of Black leaders and civil rights organizations. We may not say it with our mouths, but our actions say that we prefer putting our trust in people outside of our community and that the people in our community (African-Americans) are not worthy of our patronage of money, time or attention.

Second, we do not even recognize ourselves because we do not take the time to study ourselves. We have been transformed into people who are altered, who are unrecognizable from our original African selves. We are people who by and large, have been taught to deny reality as we hurriedly try to fit into somebody’s else’s world view. ² (Haki Madhubuti - African-American publisher, business owner and educator) In every field of endeavor imaginable, we have had Blacks excel. From the bosom of our native land, we have bred scientists, philosophers, medical doctors, architects, astronomers, mathematicians and artists. In fact, many of us do not know that the real father of medicine was not Hippocrates, but a Black African named Imhotep. ³ In this country, we have overcome tremendous odds and have been blessed with high achievers who have set new standards in the fields of science, invention, music, athletics, computer programming, ballet, religious thought, and opera to name just a few. But how many of us know who some of the Black pioneers are in the fields in which we make our careers? Do we even take the time to learn that our ice is indeed just as cold, if not colder? By not putting forth the effort to truly learn about ourselves, we end up not recognizing ourselves. We then are vulnerable to accepting myths about us as facts.

Our responsibility to position ourselves to receive God’s blessings - It should be obvious that God wants to bless us. Considering God’s willingness to grant us his unmerited favor, it is tragic that many African-American Christian singles, in effect, refuse God’s providence. We reject God’s blessing in two ways:

• We try to put God in a box as to what we will accept from him. For many singles, the main thing we want God to bless us with is a marriage partner. Anything other than a prospective husband or wife is treated as an appetizer to the main meal. However, the more we learn to trust him, the more we will grow to understand that he knows us much better than we know ourselves and he is in a better position than we are to choose which blessings are best for us.

• We assume that we are entitled to receive God’s blessing without having to take any responsibility. In essence, many of us singles believe we can stir up all kinds of mess and do what we feel grown enough to do and God has no choice but to bless us anyhow. Whether it is having inappropriate sex, not purely loving others, treating others unkindly or other non-Christian behaviors, we have to understand the more we engage in these types of activities, the more we take ourselves out of position to receive God’s blessings.

Our responsibility to foster others’ spiritual development - One of the main reasons why God blesses us is to enable us to help others, particularly when it comes to their spiritual growth. In fact, many Christian singles do not understand that the more we help others, the more likely it is that God will bless us. Coming to this realization requires we shed the old notion that we should be more like blessing vacuums (selfish perspective) and adopt a new view that we should view ourselves as blessing blowers (share with others).

God has many mysterious ways that we may find difficult to understand, but his willingness to bless us is not one of them. Where we complicate matters is in our inability or unwillingness to live up to our end of the bargain. Instead of accepting the consequences of our actions that result in us missing out on what he wants to grant us, we try to blame God. For us to enhance our journey as Christian singles (which ultimately is what this book is about), we have to be willing to exchange the old ineffective way of thinking with an enlightened spiritual perspective.

God Of Our Single Years - A Sneak Peek

Chapter 2 will be devoted to coming to an understanding of what it means to be single spiritually. This chapter will set the table for how our self-perception as singles affects every other aspect of our lives as well as influences our relationship to God. Here we will discuss the creation story in Genesis in detail while trying to identify a spiritual model of our relationship to God and to each other. Learning to define ourselves as God sees us will lead us to better appreciate the other chapters in this book dealing with pure love, Black love, platonic and romantic relationships and sexuality.

Although Moses was raised as an Egyptian, he never forgot that he was a Hebrew. He was educated in the finest schools in existence at that time and learned the ways and customs of Egyptian royalty. Yet he always remembered who he truly was. When he had occasion to observe the Hebrews, he did not fail to see himself as part of them. This recognition made their suffering his suffering. And through God’s providence and direction, he was ripe to be used by God to free his people from bondage. (Exodus 2:11-14) That is what is required of African-Americans today. Let us not forget who we are! Let us take the time to learn our ways so that when God calls us to heal our own people, we will know which people he is sending us to! This applies to everyone in our community including African-American Christian singles. In chapter 3, we will set the groundwork for why a book for Black Christian singles is necessary.

Love is a beautiful thing. When we experience love, life takes on a whole new meaning. When we have it, we are infused with an abundance of energy and enthusiasm to face whatever each day brings. Iyanla Vanzant puts it simply, Love sparks the fires of passion. ⁴ What many of us miss is the fact that true passion originates from God. African-American theologian Kelly Brown Douglass defines passion as the divine energy within human beings, the love of God, that compels them toward life-giving, life-producing, and life-affirming activity and relationships in regard to all of God’s creation. ⁵ To have true passion in our lives, we must first accept God’s love. In chapter 4, we will discuss the profound nature of God’s love and it’s potential to awaken a passion for living in us. In chapter 5, we will look at the need for Black love and its role in enhancing our lives as African-American Christian singles.

Relationships are another subject on which we need to adjust our thinking. Many singles periodically feel alone and isolated. Dwelling in those feelings makes us vulnerable to losing the battle against satan. We have been fooled into believing that relationships were designed to diminish or even extinguish our feelings of loneliness and isolation. We mistakenly conclude that finding the right man or woman will help us to feel better. This old way of thinking leads us to take our focus off God as the source of our joy and healing. In chapter 6, we will discuss what God’s original purpose of human relationships is. In chapter 7, we will specifically examine a spiritual perspective of romantic relationships.

Another subject that we need to adopt a new way of thinking concerns sex. For many of us, this is the greatest source of our struggle as singles. We mean to be obedient to God’s will. But sometimes, we just don’t understand why having pre-marital sex is such a bad thing. We rationalize that we are not hurting anyone, so maybe it really is okay. We defend our disobedience by wondering why God would give us the desire, and then command us to not give in to those desires. We sometimes wonder if he is playing a nasty little trick on us. Lastly, we accept as fact that when "that feeling" hits, it is better to just get it over with, so we can avoid being distracted by it. Put in plain English, these are all tricks of the devil. He understands what sex really is and how damaging to our souls it is when we improperly engage in this activity. In chapters 8, 9 and 10, we will examine a spiritual perspective of sex, its practical application and the existence of Black sexuality, respectively.

Dealing with the challenges of negative emotions such as loneliness and depression will be the focus of chapter 11. When we can admit that we sometimes struggle with these feelings, we can develop an understanding of how they harm our relationship with God. This understanding will lead us to seek to increase our faith as a way to combat these negative emotions.

In chapter 12, we will expose tricks that satan uses against African-American Christian singles. Many of these tricks will be presented in the context of our history and culture. Some of these tricks we will immediately recognize from our past behaviors and others will not be so obvious to us.

By way of encouragement, we will offer a list of traits that African-American Christian singles should possess (chapter 13) and then we will wrap things up in chapter 14 by reminding ourselves that the battle is not ours to fight alone.

My Enemy - My Inner Me - So indeed, we have a mighty battle on our hands. But thanks to God this is a battle that can be won. Armed with the mighty spiritual weapons he has empowered us with, we stand on the verge of a decisive victory. As African-American Christian singles, we stand on the proud shoulders of those whose lives were dedicated to insuring that we not only survive, but thrive as well. But to continue on this path to victory, we must be mindful of the enemies within us. In fact, these internal foes are the most dangerous enemies we will face. By remaining spiritually vigilant, we can avoid the tragic consequences of spiritual friendly fire. So, under the inspiration of a risen savior that indeed has all power in his hands, we boldly proclaim with spiritual assurance, Bring it on satan. Let the battle begin.

The Power of God’s Words - Now back to the creation story. We start with nothingness and the spirit of God. (Genesis 1:2). Then he speaks and we have light. Let there be light and there was light. (Genesis 1:3) Then he speaks the sky (verse 6) and the ground (verse 9) into existence. Next, God speaks the creation of plants. (verse 11). Through his words in verses 14 – 19, the sun, moon and stars are created. Now comes the word spoken by God for the creation of animal life, both the male and the female of each species. In verse 22, he says, Be fruitful and multiply in number…. How powerful these words must have been for nothing to be transformed into all that he caused to exist!!

We are now at day 6. Up to this point, God has been speaking and existence as we know it was being created. Throughout this process, he has observed the results of his spoken words and noticed that everything was good. (Verses 10, 12, 18, 21 and 25). Please allow a quick point of digression here. What made all of this good? Things were going according to his plan. Everything was as he designed it. How could it not be good? A point to be learned here is that when we singles pattern our actions according to God’s will, our lives can also be good. That is, by making God number one, we position ourselves to be blessed by him.

The Creation of Mankind - On day 6, something great is going to happen. God, in his perfect knowledge, knew the greatness that was to occur and for those of us with the ability to see, we can come to this realization as well. In anticipation of this big event, God changes his methodology. Instead of simply saying, Let there be man and man suddenly appears, he chooses to go a different route. For some reason, it was not enough to just speak humans into existence. Rather, he convenes a counsel of the holy trinity. Let us make man in our own image……. (Genesis 1: 26) Being mindful that God has perfect knowledge, makes no mistakes and notices everything, there must be a purpose to why he created mankind in the manner that he did.

As we proceed on to discovering the spiritual definition of singleness, let us ponder why God created man in his image.

In His Image - Being made in God’s image strongly suggests he wants a more special relationship with us than what he shares with other parts of his creation. In fact, it is our opinion that being able to relate to him is the number one reason why God created us.

To facilitate this more intimate relationship to him, God has given us the capacity to choose how we respond to him. The so-called lower animals also respond to God, they just cannot choose how they do it. They are guided by their instincts. Humans, on the other hand, can choose the how, when, why and where of their responses or we can decide to not respond at all.

Being made in the image of God also means that we have self-awareness. 2 Unlike other animals, we have the ability to recognize ourselves which gives us the potential to understand how we can affect and be affected by our circumstances. In short, self-awareness helps us to know that we know as opposed to the other animals who just simply know.

What does this discussion on the meaning of being made in God’s image have to do with singleness? Being able to choose how we respond to God and possessing self-awareness enables us to define ourselves in light of our relationship to him. We have the divinely ordained ability to recognize and even change our self-perception. In this chapter, this self definition (of singleness) started with listing the first two definitions above which we have decided is inadequate from a spiritual standpoint. Looking at the third definition and finally coming up with a spiritually sound definition of singleness is only possible because we are made in God’s likeness.

As you can probably imagine, theologians, philosophers and others can have a field day with the concept of being made in the image of God and countless volumes have been written about this, but we will only focus on the two aspects of our make-up listed above.

But to highlight just how much being made in the image of God makes us different from other animals, we will end this section with the following quote from the book, Why We Love. However we understand what it means to be made in God’s image, we at least should understand that we are different from other animals and that should be reflected in the quality of our relationships to God and with each other as well as with everything God has created. We are so much smarter, so much funnier, so much more mechanically adept, artistic, spiritual, inventive, altruistic - and sexy - than any other animals that if you could somehow combine all the mental capacities of all non-human creatures, they would not equal the capabilities of a seven year old human child. 3 In short, we are different from the other animals and God made us this way to be able to intimately relate to him.

We Got A Problem Here!!

Adam’s Distraction - In Genesis 2:18 (creation V2), God says It is not good for the man to be alone. What made this situation not good was the fact that Adam was being distracted from the main reason for his existence, which is to commune with God. How do we know that Adam was being distracted? Up to this point, God was pleased with how his plan was unfolding.

• In verses 4, 9, 12, 18, 21, 25, and 31 of the first chapter of Genesis, God is recorded as saying that the products of his creative will were good. In fact, in verse 31 he is described as looking at all that he had made and expressing his satisfaction.

• Even though we are mixing the two different versions of the creation stories in this paragraph, it is safe to assume that God’s appraisal of how things were going as recorded in the verses just cited above also reflected his sentiments in creation V2. That is, even though he is not quoted as saying things are good in the second creation story, he undoubtedly was pleased with his handiwork.

Given his satisfaction of how things were turning out so far, why would he then turn around and say in Genesis 2:18 that It is not good….? As we will discuss further in chapter 6, when he made that comment, he was commenting on the man, not on his plan. It does not make sense that God would say everything is good and then contradict himself by saying that what was good before is now not good. Thus, he could not have been speaking of his plan because things were going as he intended. He must have been observing Adam’s behavior (and attitude) when he said It is not good for the man to be alone. In other words, it was something that Adam was doing (or not doing) that was not good. The not good comment refers to Adam not living up to the purpose for being created which was to commune with God.

To further illustrate this point, let’s put this in human terms. Imagine a situation where you are dating someone and so far, things are going well. Your romantic partner has been all that you would ever want in a mate. But then, things begin to change. Your partner does not do the things he or she used to do. It’s not anything major, but you cannot help but sense that something is different. You notice that he or she does not look at you the way they used to or they do not pay as close attention as they once did. Even before your partner says anything, you can tell that the relationship is starting to become not good. In the case of God and Adam, the only thing that changed was Adam’s behavior. God did not change, he was, is and always will be good. His plan of creation did not change. What was good in God’s eyes is still good. But Adam did change. Among everything else that God created that was following God’s script, Adam chose to alter his linkage with God. It was this choice that led God to make his observation that is recorded in verse 18.

It is important to understand what was going on with Adam at this point in the creation story. Many of us will be tempted to believe that Adam was just lonely. But his loneliness was only the tip of the iceberg. Adam was doing what many of us singles do. We allow the fact that we are alone to sink us into depression and feelings of isolation. These feelings are problematic in two ways:

1. Extended feelings of depression and isolation suggests our faith in God is not as strong as it should be. When we truly believe that God knows what we are going through and he has a solution to our situation, we can adopt a posture of expectation, not depression. This posture then should excite us to the point that even as we struggle with problems in our lives, we cannot wait to get up in the morning because we want to see how God will deliver us. We may not know when or how he is going to work things out, but because of our faith, we are certain that he will. With this assurance, there is no reason to feel depressed or isolated.

2. If we allow ourselves to dwell in these negative feelings, we will eventually take our focus off God. That is what was happening to Adam. This is what God was referring to when he said, It is not good…. For God, the problem was not that Adam was alone. It was part of God’s creative order in V2 that Adam was made without a companion. In other words, it was no surprise to God that Adam was by himself. The problem for Adam (and for many of us singles) is that he was not living up to the plan that God had for him. In short, Adam was being distracted from fulfilling God’s plan.

Making the distinction between Adam’s loneliness and his true problem of being distracted is important because in order to come up with a solution to the situation, we must make the correct diagnosis. If Adam’s only problem was loneliness, there were a variety of options that God could have chosen to fix that so-called problem. In verse 18, in addition to saying that it is not good, God also said, I will make a helper suitable for him. In other words, God identified the problem and declared the cure. What did Adam need help with? Was not Adam made fully capable of doing whatever God wanted him to do? We will deal with those questions later in this chapter, but suffice it to state here that the main reason why God created Eve (the helper) was for a spiritual benefit. The mistake that many of us singles make is we think that the solution to being lonely is to hook up with someone. But that does not address our spiritual condition. Eve was not created by God to serve as a hook-up for Adam. She was designed to help Adam stay focused on what God had created him to do.

God To The Rescue - So Eve was brought in to help Adam get back to the main purpose for which he was created. That is, Eve was created to help Adam re-establish his relationship with God. In other words, the creation of Eve was a spiritual solution to a spiritual problem. Conventional thinking says that Eve was created because Adam was lonely. However this thinking ignores the spiritual dimension of Adam and reduces him to his physical make-up only. In chapter 7 of this book, we will deal more fully with the notion of Adam’s problem and God’s solution.

Thus, the purpose for the creation of Eve (and the institution of marriage) was not to complete Adam. It seems the key to understanding the notion of singleness (and marriage) and to fully grasp the lessons from the creation stories is to start with the assertion that the primary purpose of our existence is to have a nurturing relationship with God. Understanding this fact is a key component of a spiritual definition of singleness. With that as our starting point, it makes sense that the creation of Eve from Adam (and marriage) was meant to enhance man’s relationship with God. Not to complete Adam and not to complete Eve. They were complete in and of themselves. To help reinforce this point, we must remember that both Adam and Eve were single (and complete) before God brought them together. The primary reason for marriage is not for economic, political or other non-spiritual reasons. Rather, the main reason for marriage is to strengthen our relationship with God. But our spirituality can be strengthened also while we are single. However, sometimes we lose our way. So, God in his infinite grace and mercy has given us the capacity to have human relationships to strengthen our communion with him. But it is important to accept the responsibility that comes with knowing that whether we are married or single, we still can have a healthy relationship with God.

How was Eve to Help Adam Re-Establish the Connection to God? - If we accept that the creation of Eve was to help Adam grow spiritually, then we must now discuss how was she to accomplish this? (In chapters 6 and 7, we will discuss the divine purpose of human relationships that also includes marriage, romantic unions, family ties, etc.) The response to this question can be divided into three general headings:

• Spiritual Fellowship - Eve was created to engage in spiritual fellowship with Adam. In essence, they were to pray together, discuss God, meditate together, share their experiences, exhort and support each other, and watch each other’s back when one of them was being spiritually challenged. Through Eve, Adam now had a spiritual ally in human form. This is the primary purpose of human relationships.

• Physical Support - Eve was there to work with Adam (not for him nor subservient to him) in overseeing all of creation. She was created to be his equal partner, not his servant. That is, she was to help him take care of the other animals, water the plants and do whatever else was needed to maintain the physical world. Additionally, Eve was created so that she and Adam could mutually interact with each other on a physical level. This included sexual intimacy, sustaining themselves with food and shelter, providing mutual security and comfort and other activities. As they engaged in mutually supportive tasks, they individually and collectively had more free time to commune with God.

• Influence - The two above headings refer to gender neutral responsibilities. That is, both Adam and Eve were expected to be involved in these activities. Influence refers specifically to Eve the woman. The notion of the female having the ability to influence the male is perhaps more easily recognized by females than by males. It is safe to say that most women know ways they can affect or even manipulate the males in their lives. Most of us see the beginnings of this phenomenon in the interaction of daughters with their fathers (She is a daddy’s girl.). God created Eve with this ability to influence her man (Adam) to steer him toward God. Adam was not completely off course spiritually. Rather, he was beginning to drift. Eve’s influence on Adam was designed to be most effective while he drifted. If Adam was completely off course, much more than influence would have been needed to spiritually revive him. The influence of Eve on Adam (and other women on their men) can be best described as a nudge, not a push. In fact, when men are pushed, they tend to respond defensively. But God, in his wisdom created in the woman the ability to nudge her man a few degrees in the correct direction without leaving him feeling defensive.

Unfortunately, as with many talents that God has given us, many women use this influence for non-spiritual reasons. For example, some women may use this influence to entice the man to do something both she and the man know is wrong or inappropriate. Biblically, we see the misuse of this gift by such women as Delilah (The Samson Story) and Jezebel (King Ahab). Sexual indiscretions, financial favors, sleeping their way up the corporate ladder, other manipulations are examples of how women can abuse the gift of influence.

It is important to note that men are not helpless victims. In the examples of Samson and King Ahab, both men made conscious decisions to succumb to the women’s nudges. It is also worth noting that the divine order for men is for them to be spiritual leaders. Thus, they do not necessarily possess the gift of influence, per se. Rather, he is expected to lead first by example (action), then by words. (This order is important!!) The women’s gift of influence and the men’s gift of spiritual leadership speak to the nature of females and males and are beyond the scope of this book.

For single Christians today, the concepts of spiritual fellowship and physical support should be present in our current relationships. (Influence [women] and spiritual leadership [men] should also be a part of our singles journey. However, they need to be discussed in the context of the nature of females and males as designed by God to be adequately covered.) In chapter 6, we will examine the role of human relationships from a spiritual perspective. Suffice it to say here that it is God’s desire we engage in mutually beneficial spiritual activities such as praying and meditating together as well as exhorting each other. Additionally, particularly in our romantic relationships, we should help make each partner’s life easier. Plainly put, we should help our mate wash the car, mow the lawn, pick up the groceries, etc to lighten their everyday duties. In most cases, if our romantic partner’s life is complicated by our interaction with him or her, then something is fundamentally wrong. By helping to lighten our mate’s load, this should free that person to spend more time communing with God.

Singleness Defined Spiritually - In light of reaching the conclusion that the creation of Eve was primarily to help Adam stay on track spiritually, now we are at the point where we can uncover the spiritual definition of singleness.

Being single means to be a fully functional person capable of fulfilling God’s will

From a spiritual standpoint, whether we are married or not, is not as important as being able to do what God asks of us. But, satan has seduced many of us into focusing more on our marital status than on our relationship to God. (Sounds like Adam all over again!) Think of it this way. When God looks at us, the first thing he looks at is not our marital status. Rather, he sees us being in his image and that means we have the ability to commune with him. As Christians, we need to view ourselves in the context of our ability to have an intimate relationship with God. From that standpoint, the only difference between a single person and a married person is the married person has a spiritually ordained ally (spouse) to help nurture the relationship to God. However, it is important to note that both the single and the married person have the same access to intimacy with God. The above spiritual definition of being single implies that each individual is complete with the capacity to have a relationship with God which is the main reason why we were created.

Being Complete From A Spiritual Perspective - It is popular for many singles to say that they are complete. We assume that whatever positive standards of singleness exist, we have attained it. But often we come up short on the completeness meter when we seek to define this term from a spiritual perspective. In fact, because we are actually using a worldly or non-spiritual standard, it is no surprise that many of us have a false sense of being complete.

It is obvious that single Christians should adhere to a higher standard than what the world has to offer. To that end, below are three components of what it takes to be complete.

• Fully capable of doing God’s will.

• Fully willing to do God’s will.

• Currently engaged in doing God’s will. (Or disengaged from doing our own will)

It is important to note that being complete is really a process and the realistic ideal is to keep moving in that direction. Being human, we will always have room to grow. We must never forget that it is the direction, not the distance that we will be measured by. So, very few of us rarely reach a state of being literally complete. But most of us have the potential to be complete from a functional standpoint. That is, we are complete enough to enhance the lives of others we interact with, particularly as it relates to their spirituality.

From this menu of being complete, we have several key terms:

• Fully - This is not an innate or automatic state of being. Being complete does not happen by accident. Fully implies a process and a commitment. This state is reached through a regimen of prayer, Bible study, meditation, Christian fellowship and consistent appropriate action.

• God’s Will - There are two types.

 Permissive - That which God allows to strengthen or teach us.

 Perfect - That which is divinely pre-ordained and is unchangeable.

• Capable - The ability to do God’s will. This ability is something we are all born with. But just because we have the ability does not mean that we will use it properly.

• Willing - Exercising the God-given right to choose. Being willing implies making the choice to properly use our ability. Here we decide to submit ourselves to God’s will.

• Engaged - Acting on the decision to do God’s will.

Spiritual Relationship Math: In the equations below, the new unit may be a new friendship, new marriage, a romantic union, or any new relationship. Here it is important to note that being complete is not only relevant for our romantic relationships, but applies to relationships of other types as well.

(Complete Model) 1 complete person plus 1 complete person equals one NEW complete unit.

(Incomplete Model) 1 complete person plus 1 less than complete person equals one NEW less than complete unit.

What this says is that it is important that we strive to be complete to maximize the benefits of any new units or relationships that we may enter into. In those instances when one or both parties in the new relationship are not complete, energy, time and resources are drawn off resulting in the new relationship never reaching its potential. Not reaping the maximum benefits from a new relationship goes against the divine