Biblical Romance: What Does the Bible Say About Finding a Spouse?

Biblical Romance

What Does the Bible Say About Finding a Spouse?

Phillip Kayser

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License

Table of Contents

Why We Need a Fresh Study

1. Avoiding Legalism and License

Scripture gives more than one model and calls for flexibility

Scripture gives all the principles needed for this subject

What is Form and Freedom?

Form and Freedom in Romance

Spoiling what God intended to be delightful

2. Surveying the Biblical Options

Let’s avoid reductionism

Marriages without a time of discussion or betrothal

Marriages with betrothal alone

Marriages after a season of discussion and betrothal

3. Clearly Defining Our Terms

What a season of discussion is not

What a season of discussion is

4. Clearly Defining Our Terms — Betrothal

Is betrothal Biblical?

What betrothal is not

What betrothal is

5. Maintaining Purity

General Biblical Guidelines

A Detailed Study and Interaction With an Alternative View

6. Is There a Place for Pre-Marital Romance?

Betrothal - Delightful Romance

Betrothal – Time For Developing Habits and Skills for Marriage

7. Case Study: Genesis 24

Value of a father’s involvement even when older (v. 1; 25:20; 1 Cor. 7:36)

It is better to wait than to marry the wrong one

Be active in seeking a spouse (vv. 1ff; cf. 1 Thes. 4; Numb. 36:6; Jer. 29:6; Gen. 2:20)

Be willing to think outside the box when no one locally is a suitable potential spouse

Fathers should treat the issue of their children’s marriages seriously (vv. 2-3)

Don’t let your children become unequally yoked (v. 3)

Both fathers and other matchmakers can be involved in the search for a spouse (v. 4)

Don’t be desperate (v. 5)

Base your decision making on the inspired revelation of Scripture (vv. 6-7)

Find a wife that will fit your calling and follow you (v. 8)

All matchmakers should themselves be believers (v. 9)

Matchmakers must know the worldview, passions, desires, and personality of those they are serving.

Men should be able to financially support their wives (v. 10)

Fathers should be interested in passing on a multi-generational heritage (vv. 11-12)

We should bathe the whole process in prayer, seeking God’s guidance (vv. 13-14)

Have a set of essential criteria in a potential spouse and prepare your children to meet those Biblical criteria (vv. 13ff)

Objectivity is needed – not allowing beauty to blind you (vv. 15-16)

Have confidence in God’s providence and guidance (vv. 17-21)

Don’t be shy about asking questions (vv. 22-25)

Be God-centered (vv. 26-27)

Become the wise father that makes you the first one that your children turn to (v. 28)

One father can take initiative even if the other father does not (v. 29)

God can still bring good out of family situations that are messed up (vv. 30-31)

Don’t be swayed by pushiness; stay focused on God’s will (vv. 32-33)

Be confident that it is normally God’s will for all of our children to be married (vv. 34-40)

Fathers should model godly leadership to other fathers (vv. 41-48)

Fathers have authority to approve or disapprove of potential husbands (v. 49)

Get used to talking frankly about marriage potential (vv. 50-53)

The legitimacy of a bride price and dowry (vv. 50-52)

Women have a strong say-so in whom they marry (vv. 54-58)

Cast the vision of having many children (vv. 59-60; cf. Gen. 1:28; 1 Tim. 5:14)

Pass on a legacy and vision (vv. 59-60)

Fathers must relinquish control of their daughters once married (v. 61)

Instill spiritual qualifications of leadership in your sons (vv. 62-63)

Be confident that love can grow after marriage (v. 67)

Notes

Why We Need a Fresh Study

I was motivated to write this book for several reasons. First, people have repeatedly asked my opinion on the courtship wars current in the homeschool movement. Is courtship a Biblical practice? If so, which of the many competing definitions of courtship should we follow? Is dating sinful? Must all Christians endorse the so-called betrothal method? And, if so, which betrothal method is Biblical anyway? What about dating with purpose? And what should that mean? Is physical touch appropriate? What is going too far? Is the physical contact of Ruth and Boaz lawful? What about Robert Andrews’ suggested sexual progression? And if we are going to use the Bible to talk about premarital romance, what about arranged marriages? Should Christians avoid all romance prior to marriage? What is the difference between betrothal and engagement? Does the Bible even set guidelines? What is legalism and what is Biblical? Can one behavior be sinful for one couple and not sinful for another? These are a few of the questions this book is designed to answer.

A second reason for writing this book is that I have witnessed great confusion in general over the process of finding a spouse. There have been too many hurt feelings because both parties have had quite different expectations of what this season is all about. Should it be a safe process of dating multiple partners with some parental oversight? Or should it be a more formal process of research to see if there is any interest in even entering into a relationship? Some have merged the time of discussion and engagement into one, while others deny that any time of discussion is even biblical. Some see engagement as merely the equivalent to going steady while others see it as a covenant that can only be broken by a divorce. With such wide-ranging viewpoints, it is no wonder that the landscape has been littered with a lot of hurt feelings, bitterness, and broken relationships. God’s perfect law of liberty (James 1:25; 2:12) was intended to give you maximum liberty. God’s good law (Rom. 7:12,16,22; 1 Tim. 1:8) was intended to be for your good (Deut. 10:13) and for your joy (Ps. 19:8; John 15:9-17). It is my hope that this book will help to restore such joy.

A third reason for writing this book is to encourage people to take advantage of the time of betrothal to learn many creative ways of expressing non-sexual love. How many women wish their husbands could express love in more ways than in bed! Betrothal gives men and women practice in other languages of love than touch, and these creative habits of expressing love follow them into marriage. We will be seeing that God intends betrothal to be the ideal training ground for a richer and fuller expression of love than many couples know. Unfortunately, many are so focused on avoiding sexual love before marriage that they miss the most important purpose of betrothal. This book will give the Biblical basis and ground rules for making betrothal a perfect environment for growing in friendship.

A fourth reason I have been motivated to write this book is to show the unintended consequences that certain approaches to romance can produce. Over the past thirty years numerous friends have told me that they quickly slid into sexual involvement when they were dating. They never intended to commit fornication, but the very process of dating that they were using almost guaranteed it. This has in turn left some of them not only with regrets, but also with sexual issues within marriage that came from guilt or other negative feelings over the premarital fornication. At least some women have said that they don’t trust their husbands because, If he had no self-control with me before marriage, how do I know he will have self-control with someone else after our marriage? Counselors often have to deal with these negative fruits but are not willing to cut down the root so as to stop these problems from perpetuating generation after generation. I think it is time to completely restudy what the Bible says about ways of finding a spouse so as to produce Biblical fruit.

A fifth reason I have been motivated to write this book is that legalism is rife within the homeschooling movement, and it is strikingly evidenced in the way many families go about pursuing marriage for their children. Legalism can produce just as many problems in a beginning family as license can. I have known best friends become estranged because of legalism, inconsistency, and judgmentalism in the way they have guided their children to pursue marriage. But, done Biblically, it can bring great joy as well as provide a smooth transition for marriage.

My last reason for writing this book is that I am tired of having to contradict people who claim that the Bible doesn’t talk much about pre-marital romance. The problem is not that the Bible doesn’t say much, but that it says far more than many people are comfortable with.

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.

– Galatians 5:1

For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

– Galatians 5:13

"I will walk at liberty, for I seek Your precepts.

– Psalm 119:45

A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.

– 1 Corinthians 7:39

But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does.

– James 1:25

So speak and so do as those who will be judged by the law of liberty.

– James 2:12

as free, yet not using liberty as a cloak for vice, but as bondservants of God.

– 1 Peter 2:16

1. Avoiding Legalism and License

Scripture gives more than one model and calls for flexibility

This book will seek to demonstrate that the Bible gives more than one model for finding a life partner in marriage. For example, we will look at passages that show God’s authorization of marriages that had neither a time of prior discussion or an engagement. But we will also look at Scriptures that lay down a great deal of structure for both of these seasons in most situations. We will see that God authorized parents and even trusted friends to arrange a marriage, while other passages speak of the man and the woman taking most of the initiative. Sensitivity to the person and the situation dictated these differences. Unfortunately, some people will latch onto one paradigm or another and insist that it must be applied to all people in all situations. But God deals with us as unique individuals, not as abstract statistics. He wants us to depend upon His guidance and wisdom as we apply the Scripture to new situations.

Scripture gives all the principles needed for this subject

But let me be clear that when I advocate flexibility I am advocating Biblical flexibility, not pragmatism. I in no way want to deny the complete sufficiency of Scripture for this subject. The powerful Scriptures have given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness (2 Peter 1:2-4) and are so overwhelmingly sufficient that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work (2 Tim. 3:16-17). Unlike existentialism that excuses sin based on motives, and unlike situational ethics that excuses sin based on unique situations, I will be seeking to give Biblical principles for understanding proper motives, goals, and situations. It is my hope that the principles of this book will give a jump-start to your study and application of God’s Word for your own romance and for that of your children.

What is Form and Freedom?

Francis Schaeffer repeatedly urged a balance between form and freedom. He showed the disastrous results of both autonomous freedom and rigid legalism. Autonomous freedom lacks Biblical definition and leads to anarchy and eventually to the bondage of sin. Rigid legalism leads to another kind of bondage because it adds to God’s perfect law of liberty (James 1:25) and in the process nullifies it (Mark 7:1-13). This rigid legalism suffocates people by giving them no room for expression and in the process dehumanizes them by applying some Biblical rules but ignoring what the Bible says about the person, the goal, and the situation. People intuitively recognize that we can’t do this with other aspects of life.

Imagine what art would be like without both form and freedom. Imagine a father who wants his child to learn poetry well but focuses all of his time on the principles of form and allows no opportunities for his son to creatively express his heart. This father teaches his son syllabification, emphasis, rhythm, rhyme, alliteration, assonance, simile, parallelism, style, symbol, themes, etc. All of these give form to great poetry. But form without creative