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    Grandpa, Did You Just Punch the Devil in the Face?: I Hate Zombies
    Grandpa, Did You Just Punch the Devil in the Face?: I Hate Zombies
    Grandpa, Did You Just Punch the Devil in the Face?: I Hate Zombies
    Ebook47 pages34 minutes

    Grandpa, Did You Just Punch the Devil in the Face?: I Hate Zombies

    By Shantnu Tiwari

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Scotland is about to be invaded by the most foul demon known to mankind (also womankind, I think).

    The only problem is, the only man who can stop the attack is a crazy old man who talks to pigeons, and thinks Abba are still a thing.

    Yeah, I would cancel your flight to Edinburgh this summer.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherShantnu Tiwari
    Release dateFeb 27, 2018
    ISBN9781386486145
    Grandpa, Did You Just Punch the Devil in the Face?: I Hate Zombies

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      Book preview

      Grandpa, Did You Just Punch the Devil in the Face? - Shantnu Tiwari

      1

      It all started in the summer of 1956. Back when men were men, women were women, cows were cows, and the horses were sometimes also cows .

      Yes siree, Bob, dem were interestin’ times.

      An alliance of werewolves, vampires, demons, Republicans, Mormons, Chthulu worshippers all got together and said, Yee-haw! We are going to destroy democracy, boy!

      Shake wants to know why I’m talking like an American hilly billy. He assures me that, having spent all my life in middle England, I’m as qualified to write about Americans as an American trying to pull an English accent, like Dick van Dyke did in Mary Poppins.

      I tell him to shut up. My book, my rules.

      Besides, the man who told me this story was from America. Sort of. A parallel America, where progress had stopped in the Middle Ages, where everyone carried guns and shot at each other for no reason, where there was great social injustice, and where the rich trampled the poor under their expensive 200 dollars a pair Jimmy Blue shoes.

      A lot like modern America, then.

      Well, not really. In this parallel America, people rode around on horses like cowboys and the police didn’t go around shooting black teenagers, mainly because the black teenagers knew voodoo and would turn them into zombie slaves if they tried.

      So yeah, they were slightly better than modern America. Not only because they didn’t have racism, but also because people rode around on horses and there was no pollution.

      Shake wants me to get on with the story. I tell him to shut up. He’s not even in the story. Except for small parts.

      So this story starts after the disastrous (or not so disastrous) attack of the Russian Gangster Jihadi Ninja Zombies, who caused a lot of problems for Britain, but still less than what the average politician and banker does every weekend.

      So there we were, tired of fighting zombies, wanting a break. Well, there I was. Pink had gotten a job as a top paid banker and Shake had just gotten a recording gig. They were both on their way to greatness.

      And I had just fired from a job handing out flyers for a new sex shop selling vegetable-themed dildos. Evidently, opening a sex shop near a church and a primary school was a bad idea. Who knew?

      Life couldn’t have gotten any lower. I didn’t want to feel jealous of my friends, but I did. I feel ashamed of it now, but a part of me wondered why they had everything made, when I was still the loser about twenty pounds seventeen pence away from moving in with his mother. That is, I only had twenty pounds seventeen pence in my bank account, and if those ran out, I’d be homeless. I’d have to move in with my mom.

      It wasn’t all bad. We were staying with

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