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    Gagged and Bound: a book of puns, one-liners and dad jokes
    Gagged and Bound: a book of puns, one-liners and dad jokes
    Gagged and Bound: a book of puns, one-liners and dad jokes
    Ebook66 pages31 minutes

    Gagged and Bound: a book of puns, one-liners and dad jokes

    By Nick Jones

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    About this ebook

    "It’s what it says on the tin: a succession of one-liners, puns and dad jokes going at your laughing muscles in a joyously pell-mell, headlong way. It’s irresistible." The Bookbag

    Gagged and Bound is a riotous, rapid-fire collection of over 500 original gags written by pun-loving jokesmith Nick Jones and published by Full Media Ltd. With a mixture of witty one-liners, playful puns and dubious dad jokes, coupled with some great visual gags illustrated by Tiffany Sheely, Gagged and Bound will leave you grinning like a maniac – so probably best not to read it while travelling on public transport.

    Jokes include:

    When I’m in the kitchen with my wife and I ask her for the sieve, she always throws it at me. She’s pass-sieve aggressive.

    What happens when herbs get into debt? They receive a visit from the bay leaf.

    Every dog has its day. It’s called International Dog Day.

    I’ve written a self-help book for people trying to lose weight but it hasn’t been very successful. It’s called Help Yourself.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherNick Jones
    Release dateJun 2, 2015
    ISBN9780993079429
    Gagged and Bound: a book of puns, one-liners and dad jokes
    Author

    Nick Jones

    Nick Jones was born in Stratford-Upon-Avon, Warwickshire, and now lives in the Cotswolds, England. In a previous life, he ran his own media company and was a 2nd Dan black belt in Karate. These days he can be found in his writing room, working on his latest mind-bending ideas, surrounded by notes and scribbling on a large white board. He loves movies, kindness, gin, and vinyl.

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      Book preview

      Gagged and Bound - Nick Jones

      GAGGED AND BOUND

      My mum gave birth to me whilst completely submerged in sugar. I was born with Silver Spoon in my mouth.

      Last night I jumped off a building, crashed through a roof and landed in an old pub. It was a bit of a dive.

      I told my mate I was struggling to meet women. He said, ‘Why don't you go dancing? You’ve got that great move.’ But after taking his advice, I’ve had even less luck. It’s one step forward, two steps back.

      Apparently everyone at Pixar fell out when WALL-E was released. Then they all kissed and made Up.

      When my girlfriend dumped me we had to divide all our possessions, and I got the GPS system. I was heartbroken but at least I knew where I stood.

      My grandmother always used to say, ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,’ which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

      Don’t you hate it when people leave a football match before the end so they can avoid traffic? Our goalie’s always doing it.

      There’s an Irish goalkeeper that does it too, but that’s a Given.

      My uncle’s in prison for flashing. He says he can’t bare it anymore.

      Have you heard about the man who spends all his time riding on buses? Seriously, where does that guy get off?

      I spent three days in a sauna once. I would have left sooner but I wasn’t feeling too hot.

      A friend and I once tried watching recorded quiz shows for 24 hours in a row. My friend got bored so I cut to The Chase.

      I came home the other day to find that a burglar had broken in and stolen my external hard drive. He really got my backup.

      If tightrope walking is called funambulism, walking must be ambulism. But where’s the fun in that?

      It’s really important to obey the laws of grammar. Rules is rules.

      My friend said to me, ‘Have you ever seen a Tennessee Williams play?’ I said, ‘Yes, I’ve seen Serena at Wimbledon. It doesn’t get more tennisy than that.’

      I went through a phase recently where I seemed to keep hitting the ground running. Then I realised I was just running.

      This guy once said to me, ‘Hey, do you run the Ministry of Arithmetic, Fractions and Formulas?’ I said, ‘Yeah, why?’ He said, ‘You do the MAFF.’

      A circle goes into a bar. The barman says, ‘What can I get you?’ The circle demands a gin and tonic. The barman says, ‘I’m happy to get you a drink, but you’re going to have to calm down.’ The circle says, ‘I’ll calm down when you get me a gin and tonic.’ The barman says, ‘Look, I will get you a gin and tonic, but you’re going to have to calm down first.’ The circle says, ‘I WILL CALM DOWN WHEN YOU GET ME A GIN AND TONIC.’ It’s a vicious circle.

      I asked my friend a question while he was eating an orange. I got a pithy response.

      Why did

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