Forgotten Silence

Chapter 1

"When did everything fall apart? I keep trying to figure out when things went from sunshine and rainbows to sewage and rat nests. No matter how hard I try, I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I was no longer standing on solid ground. Suddenly, it was just gone, and I was falling. I’m still falling. Part of me wants to hit the bottom, but part of me hopes I never do because I’m scared of what I’ll have to face when I get there." ~ Sally

Death. A subject people avoid at all cost. No one wants to die, of course, but people become uncomfortable simply discussing it. We hate the realization that this life is temporary. None of us wants to think about the pain that might come before death or the pain others will feel once we’re gone. It’s easier just to pretend the pain of death only comes to other people.

So, then, what did it say about Sally that death seemed a welcome topic? In fact, she could think of nothing better than closing her eyes for the last time and never having to open them again. To leave her defiled body behind, to no longer be trapped in a mind that continued to remember things she longed to forget, to no longer be a burden to the ones she loved so desperately, seemed the perfect solution.

But there was just one problem. Her death would also take Costin’s life because of the true mate bond. It would also destroy Jacque, Jen, and Sally’s own parents, and it would leave Titus without his parents, for a second time no less. She was sane enough to admit ending her life would be the selfish way out. She could tell herself all day it would be a blessing to those who were constantly worrying about her, but, in truth, it would be only for her to escape the pain.

Sally sighed as she leaned back against the railing of the gazebo. The indoor garden of the Romania pack mansion had become a refuge of sorts. It was the place she retreated to when she felt overwhelmed, which was pretty much every day, all day. It had been a week since she’d been found in Ocean Side and reunited with her mate and her family, a week since her memory was restored even as her life crumbled at the same time. It had been a mere seven days, yet it felt like months. She was exhausted. She fought to get through every minute of the day. There was no rest, not when she sat, doing nothing at all, not when she slept, not when she kept busy in hopes of keeping the thoughts at bay. She felt like a ticking bomb—at any moment, her time would be up. How many people would be collateral damage when she finally exploded? Or would she simply implode and take all her anguish and misery with her, leaving those she loved relatively unscathed?

I can’t do this, she whispered, thankful there was no one to hear her. The wall in her mind, which she kept firmly in place, kept Costin from hearing her thoughts. He would freak out if he knew she was thinking like this. No, he would more than freak out if he knew what was going on in her head. He’d have her chained to his side and never let her out of his sight … not that he ever willingly let her out of his sight as it was. He grudgingly gave her some privacy when she insisted, but he was never further than just outside the door of whatever room she occupied.

Costin watched her with an intensity many would have found unnerving and creepy. But Sally knew why he did it. The unique mate bond that true mates had gave her an in that no one else had. And because of that she knew he understood the desolation filling her, no matter how hard she tried to hide it. That realization only made it worse because, not only was Sally being haunted by memories that were slowly killing her, Costin was suffering as well. She was hurting him and felt powerless to stop.

Sally felt her breath catch as she let the bond slip slightly open. The overwhelming love and worry she felt pour into her was so much more than she deserved. She slammed the bond shut quickly before he could feel her anguish and disgust. She was dirty, tainted, and unworthy of his affection.

Cheater, she heard the darkness whisper in her mind. Unfaithful, adulterer. It hissed like a snake.

Words—all true—that all described her now, though they weren’t adjectives she’d imagined she’d ever be associated with. After all, who grows up thinking One day I’ll cheat on my spouse, like the fact was something inevitable and should just be accepted? She’d grown up in a family with parents who loved each other. They weren’t overly affectionate, but anyone could see the adoration in her parents’ eyes when they looked at one another. She’d been taught that for a relationship to work, there must be trust, sacrifice, respect, and love. She’d always been told love was a choice, not a finicky emotion you fell in and out of.

Her parents had given her a solid foundation upon which to stand with respect to relational success. But they hadn’t prepared her for what to do if her mind was supernaturally wiped. There was no instruction manual for navigating the issues that came with being thrown into a life that wasn’t real and pursued by a man who wasn’t her soul mate. There was no book entitled Supernatural Affairs for Dummies. Where were the instructions on how to deal with those dilemmas? Where were the self-help books, the counseling groups, the pills to help her cope with the pain that came from completely forgetting the man that held the other half of her soul and giving her body to another?

Sally felt him before he opened the door and entered her sanctuary. His hazel eyes met hers and held her gaze with a confidence she envied now more than ever. He stalked toward her with purpose in every step. His movements were calculated, unhurried, and graceful. He was, quite simply, breathtaking.

It’s late, Sally mine, Costin’s deep voice rumbled. He held out his hand to her. I’ve already put Titus down. Come to bed.

Her gut clenched with guilt when she heard her adopted son’s name. She should have been there to say good night to him. She was still so very new to the whole mom thing and sucking hardcore at it.

He understands more than you realize, Costin said as though she wasn’t keeping her mind closed from him and he could hear her thoughts. Please, come to bed.

She stood and walked toward him. Her hands shook so she tucked them behind her back in hopes of hiding the tremors. It was also convenient because it kept them from making contact. Sally didn’t deserve to touch him. She had lost the right to put her hands on him when she’d touched another male.

You look tired, brow— His words froze in his throat before he could finish the sentence that would have ended with a nickname she could no longer hear from his lips. You need rest, he finally said after several awkward seconds.

You could have let me know when you were putting Titus down, she said as they walked, side by side, un-touching, appearing more as acquaintances than true mates. True mates touched without conscious thought. The need was so great they rarely occupied the same room without touching each other in some way—the way it was supposed to be. I would have come to tell him good night.

I tried to tell you, he said as he tapped his temple. But it’s Fort Knox up there.

She didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing. They walked in silence to their suite, though she could feel his eyes on her when he periodically glanced over. She didn’t meet his gaze but simply looked down at the ground, allowing his steps to guide her.

After the door clicked shut behind them and the lock slipped into place, Sally felt the all-too-familiar panic begin to rise. It had started two days after she’d returned home. Every night when she and Costin were getting ready for bed, she seemed to grow more and more anxious. She felt as though she needed to crawl out of her own skin. She couldn’t even look at the bed before it was time to climb in because it caused her to become short of breath.

Sally didn’t feel like she belonged in Costin’s bed anymore. She couldn’t even think of it as their bed. Every time she laid down, her mind was filled with images of her skin polluting the sheets with her filth. And when Costin wrapped his arms around her, she was sure her toxic memories would poison him. The healer didn’t know how to just stop. She didn’t know how to be Sally anymore.

I can sleep in my wolf form on the floor, Costin said. He was standing several feet away and made no attempt to get closer.

How did you… she began, but he cut her off, shaking his head.

No, I can’t hear your thoughts, but your face, I read loud and clear. You’re staring at our bed as if it is a lion’s den and glancing at me like I’m the lion. Doesn’t give me great confidence that you want me in it with you.

And now she felt like she wanted to puke. She was doing this. She was causing him to feel uncomfortable in their own home. Why couldn’t she just get a damn grip?

Hey His voice softened, and he approached her slowly, as though she were an injured animal that might lash out. Whatever you’re thinking, Sally, it’s alright. It’s going to be alright.

The breath whooshed out of her as her hands fisted at her side. How can you possibly say that? First of all, you have no idea what I’m thinking, and second, you don’t know if everything is going to be alright. You don’t know if we’re all going to get blown up by some whacked-out terrorist or if a massive hurricane is going to wash away half the world. You. Don’t. Know. She bit out the words through gritted teeth. Her jaw was clenched so tightly she wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d broken off some teeth. And frankly, Costin, I don’t think it’s going to be alright. I think it’s about as far from alright as we can get, and the chasm from not alright to alright is just too damn big. She was breathing hard by the end of her rant, yet he looked as calm as ever.

You done? he asked, his voice gruff and his eyes glowing with his wolf. Get ready for bed, and then get some sleep, he said when she didn’t respond.

There’s no point in even getting into bed. I can’t sleep.

I’m sure Rachel could help or perhaps Alina could give you an Alpha command, he said, a suggestion Costin had made before and she’d yet to accept.

Sally shook her head. I don’t want anyone messing with my mind. It’s had enough damage done to it. She turned and scurried toward the safety of the bathroom. At least there she could lock the door and wallow without an audience.

Sally, don’t shut me out, Costin told her.

It’s safer this way, Costin, she said as she stepped into the bathroom and turned to face him. You don’t want to know what’s in my head. I promise.

That’s where you’re wrong. I’m your mate, your husband. He nearly growled. I not only want all of you, dark thoughts and memories included, but I deserve all of you. I have a right to all of you. You cannot do this alone, and no one expects you to, least of all me. It’s only been a week, Sally mine. Give yourself time to heal.

It’s not like I have the flu, she yelled back. My body hasn’t been injured. No amount of time will fix what’s been broken. Don’t you get it? I’m. Broken.

Even broken things can be put back together, he said as the