Growing Up White Trash

Growing Up White Trash

By Donna Curtis Black

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2017 Donna Curtis Black

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Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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INTRODUCTION

White Trash, was a phrase Mama often used whenever she had one too many beers to drink.

HISTORY:

White Trash, was used as a racial slur to describe certain low income Caucasians, especially those characterized by crude manners or low moral standards, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, our History teacher Mrs. Armstrong quoted.

White Trash, first came into common use in the 1830’s as an American prerogative used by slaves of "Gentlemen,’’ (Rich white southerners often plantation aristocrats against poor whites who worked the fields).

By 1855, the term has passed into common usage by upper-class whites, and was common usage among all Southerners, regardless of race, throughout the rest of the century.

Today the Jerry Springer show is an example often used to define white trash. This television show is watched by many because it often deals with the lower class white people, and because their situations are considered the stereotype of what is considered in today’s term, White Trash. Examples of White Trash include but are not limited to, low incomes, unemployment, and unmarried couples cheating on one another and having illegitimate children, not to mention racism.

1: Referenced from Oxford English Dictionary

2: Referenced from Wikipedia, the Free encyclopedia

3: Referenced Annaiee Newitz, Matthew Wray (1 July 1997) Mike Hill, ed. ‘What’s White Trash?’

Acknowledgments

Growing up White Trash as Mama always said we were, even though I knew her to be one of the hardest working women in my life. She worked hard 40 hours per week on a paying job, and then came home to cook and clean, plus she always made sure we did our chores. Mama did the best that she knew how to do. She taught us to be strong, too push forward and never too look back. She infused into us that we could be anything we wanted, if we were willing to work hard to attain it. She fought hard all her life against mounting odds to achieve even the simplest goals, she so wanted was to go back to school. One of her great accomplishments was getting her GED.

Mama once told me Passage is the sum-total of one’s life, and there were many roads offered in this life. We often wonder if we should take the easier road or fight the fight.

The sum total of all our roads brings us to where we eventually end our journey. The journey can be anything we want it to be. One’s awareness of life will carry them to their end and beyond.

Without my Mama’s strong will to succeed, this book would never have been born. Mama’s will to rise above the so-called stigma, White Trash, that was tagged upon her at birth, and how she pushed all of us to be sometimes, (I think) better then we could be. I also thank my husband for believing I could do all most anything, and who pushed me to complete what many times I wanted to give up on…This book called, Growing Up White Trash.

CHAPTER ONE

1955

Where are you? Donna Mary Curtis, DO YOU HEAR ME! Mama yelled.

Yes Mama, Diana and I are outside playing horsey, I answered. As I yelled, GITTY-UP horsey, go faster.

Diana was a good horsey, although a wild one, especially when I dug my spurs in, I snickered just thinking about her trying to buck me onto the ground.

YOU BETTER STAY IN THE YARD! Mama yelled out the back door. I knew she was in the kitchen, I could smell the faint aroma of beans with pieces of bacon drifting into the yard.

Yes Mama. WE WILL, I hollered making sure Mama heard me, I sure didn’t want her coming outside to check on us she was always spoiling my fun, I thought as I looked back at Diana who was starting to look tired.

Come on Diana, go faster, faster, I pleaded.

I don’t want to! You’re hurting me, Diana whined. I always have to be the horsey, why can’t you be the horsey?

I can’t be the dang old horsey, I smarted back. I’m the good guy I’m saving all the people from the Indians. Besides, silly I can’t even hold you on my back, you’re twice my size and I’m only four and mama says you’re six!

Well, I quit then! Diana said as she started pulling off her towel saddle and ran towards the house.

GO, CRY BABY, GO, I yelled, near tears. I don’t care. I’ll kill all the Indians by myself!

I overheard Mama telling Daddy once, that Diana was slower than other kids were when Daddy asked why, Mama stated, Because the nurses wouldn’t let me deliver until the Doctor arrived, they crossed my legs telling me not to push even when Diana’s head was crowning. That coupled with a cord around her neck deprived her of much needed oxygen.

I didn’t understand a word of what Mama was saying, but not wanting to look dumb I just ignored their conversation and continued with my coloring. I often listened to their conversations, though sometimes they weren’t aware I was listening. Diana liked food and being in our room alone, she didn’t like noise or arguments, everything scared her or made her extremely nervous, most of the time we just left her alone.

We lived in a little white farmhouse with black trim. I have always felt a strong attachment to that house. It was a simple, quiet life surrounded by a sea of wildflowers, which was our one acre of land. Our closest neighbor was my Grandmother who lived next door in a cramped but cute cabin. She always insisted that the house was big enough for her, but I had my doubts, at least her bedroom didn’t smell like pee, like mine and Diana’s.

That house was the first place that we lived that had an indoor bathroom, for which Mama was grateful. Before, we had to walk outside to the deteriorating, smelly outhouse, though I was no stranger to doing my business in the woods. There seemed to be advantages to having your own toilet in-doors, you know, kinda like a step up. The house came with Daddy’s new job as a Foreman, which he always boasted that he enjoyed more than milking the cows himself.

I loved playing outside, smelling the crisp clean air and listening to the Doves as they cooed to one another. I spent most of the day pretending I was saving people from the bad guys, chasing critters and playing with frogs, snakes and lizards.

Yellow butterflies, orange butterflies, where are you going? I wondered. Are you going home? I began running after them across the yard, across the road and over the fence. I had to run, from the new baby. ‘I’m Mama’s baby,’ I thought. NOT HER!

Come here butterflies, I cooed. Still following the cloud of yellow and orange insects, I must have run a long way, I now was in a green field, and I could feel the wet grass as it tickled my bare feet. I could see wild flowers blooming with bees buzzing about from flower to flower. I made sure to side step the flowers as to not anger the bees. Mama words echoed in my head. The bees will only sting you if you bother them. It was the beginning of spring, ‘The sun’s bright, no more cold weather, I can play outside.’ I thought with excitement. In the distance, I saw a barn. I looked back to see our little white house, which looked like a speck compared to the large building in front of me. My host of butterflies flew away from the barn, but a gorgeous black and orange Monarch butterfly continued forward. I chased my butterfly, as he headed towards a pile of hay. I jumped to grab him just as he landed, and ‘OH NO’, he squished in my hand. Poor little butterfly, I said aloud, not wanting to cry. Now he can’t go home to his family. I whined saying my goodbyes as I continued further into the barn. I began climbing the ladder to the top. I WILL find all the bad Indians and kill them too, Mama, I cried, I WILL save you! I could see everything in the loft as I peered in from the ladder, Come out, come out, wherever you are, I sang. The house and woods beyond looked so tiny. From here, I would find all the Indians and I would save the day.

In the far distance, I heard Mama’s muffled voice calling me home. Fear gripped me, as I remembered Mama grabbing me by my shoulders and shaking me hard. As she cried out, NEVER LEAVE THIS YARD! Do you understand me young lady? In a panic, I started running as fast as my short legs could carry me back towards the house, all the while keeping my eyes on Mama. I slowed and waited until Mama went around the side of the house still calling my name before I crossed the road. Then I ran towards the yard, Mama would beat me if she saw that I crossed the road by myself. My heart was beating so fast. Please don’t let her see me," I thought. As I stumbled into my Grandmother’s front yard, Mama found me.

Why didn’t you answer me? she asked, while staring at me as if she wanted to hit me.

I was coming Mama, I whined, afraid to take my eyes off her face, so I could be ready to duck, if needed.

How many times have I told you not to bother your Grandmother? She asked, as she moved closer to me. I wasn’t about to let my guard down, not just yet anyway. I was well aware of Mama’s capabilities of striking you before you even had time to move.

I‘m sorry Mama, I replied as I slowly backed up.

Well it’s time for you to come inside and eat, hurry before your food gets cold, she mumbled. I felt an instant surge of relief as I followed behind her into the kitchen.

As I sat down to eat my lunch of homemade biscuits and pinto beans with bacon, I was thinking how much I loved Mama’s cooking. Homemade biscuits had to be the greatest especially with globs of Mama’s homemade butter on it. After we finished eating Mama made Diana and me take a nap. I hated naps. Sometimes, Mama offered me a choice either I could stay up and help her, or sleep, but not today.

CHAPTER TWO

Poor Mama

Daddy’s home, I yelled as I heard the front door open and slam. He smelled of cow manure and hay. I overheard him as he said, Toni I want to go out tonight, I’m tired and need to relax with a few beers. Why don’t you ask Mom to watch the kids for a few hours, and put on your prettiest dancing dress?

I heard the excitement in Mama’s voice she wanted to, Go out on the town. as Daddy often said. However, I remembered Mama only drank coca cola, not yucky beer. Why would she want to go?

As I lay on my bed, I wondered why Daddy always wanted to go somewhere else, when the house smelled so clean. I would watch as Mama scrubbed the floors on her hands and knees because that was how Daddy wanted her to clean. If Daddy took off his shoes and his feet stepped on anything, he would go insane and yell, TONI, come clean this up. NOW!

Cleaning this way is the only way you know all the corners and baseboards are clean. Mama shared with me once. When I asked why? Mama just said, When you grow up and have your own home you will understand, now go away and play.

Daddy never said anything about the clean house except. Cleaning is women’s work. My job is to milk and feed the cows and bring home the bacon. Then he’d laugh as if he had made a funny.

Sometimes Mama yelled at Daddy to burn the trash or haul it off. Only after Mama asked several times would he get around to it. Usually when the trash was blowing everywhere in the yard, and we had to chase it about to gather it all.

Your Daddy’s a procrastinator, Mama whispered to Diana and me. Like we even knew what that meant, Mama was smart and Diana and I were mostly the only people Mama had to talk with, we listened even though we didn’t understand.

Diana and I were perched on the couch watching television when Mama walked into the bathroom to prepare for her night out. She was so pretty with dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a dark complexion. Her dress still fit. Even though May was only two weeks old, she was still thin, too thin, as Grandma would say. I followed her into the bathroom and watched as she applied face powder, mascara and lipstick. She used an outline to make her thin lips fuller and then filled them in with her red lipstick. She would not let me wear lipstick yet. She said when I was older. . . Maybe. Mama was one-eighth Cherokee, but some people mistook her for a Mexican. She had deep-set eyes and no top lip, but she was beautiful to me. Her dad died in a barroom fight when she was fourteen, but by then she had been bouncing from sister to sister as a live in babysitter or housekeeper. She had one full brother, and three half siblings she couldn’t remember her Mother, she thinks she died when she was four from Pneumonia, with her new born baby girl. She often spoke of her Dad as a mean, Son-of-a-Bitch who looked like John Wayne, who often terrorized her and her younger brother, once tying her in a chair, and then lighting the house on fire, laughing like a crazy man as he swigged his bottle. Mama said she yelled at her brother to run and run he did hiding all night in the branches of a tree, too afraid to come down until morning. Mama said she stood up with the chair tied to her and ran out the back door with her Dad laughing in the background. It was after that incident that they went to live with her oldest sister who was really the only Mother my Mama ever knew. Sometimes she stayed with her other sister Irene, but her main goal was getting out of poverty and moving as far away from all the bad memories she had, which didn’t include taking on a ready-made family. Mama thought her Mother was buried somewhere in Calexico, California, but she had no idea where her father was buried.

Can I try on some of your lipstick Mama? I begged.

Me too, Diana chimed in.

Maybe when you’re older, Mama answered, as she stared into the mirror adjusting her lipstick to cover the line she drew on her top lip.

Both of you go eat your supper now so I can get ready in peace. Mama cooed, obviously in a good mood eager to enjoy the evening with Daddy. There is corn on the cob, tators, and beans for supper and it’s sitting in there getting cold so get out of here and go eat.

I love corn on the cob, I screamed as I ran out of the bathroom with Diana on my heels, shouting. Save me two, I want two.

‘As if I could eat two, she’s funny,’ I thought.

While we were eating, Daddy walked next door to Grandmas to walk her over so she could watch us for a few hours. I was glad Grandma moved next door, so I could see her often. I didn’t like it when she lived with that man in Arizona, I mumbled to Diana in between bites of food, not realizing Mama had just entered the kitchen.

He was your Grandma’s boyfriend, Mama responded laughing.

No, he was not, and I was being paid to help the old man remain in his home. Now you both just go on and have a good time, Grandma chirped as she walked through the back door.

Come on Toni, let’s go. I want to get there before it gets too crowded, Daddy hollered as he grabbed his cowboy hat and his jean jacket, with the pocket stuffed full of that old nasty snuff that Mama hated. I heard her say as they walked outside.

No kisses for you tonight if you put that shit in your mouth. Daddy just laughed.

Daddy was a quiet, simple man. Daddy spoke in sentence fragments most of the time. With Diana, and me he usually grunted, mumbled, or said. Go ask your Mother.

Mama told me Daddy spoke that way cus’ he only went to the fifth grade and even then, he missed more than he attended. He often tried to hide his ignorance by nodding his head in agreement or flashing his smile and dimples. Daddy was part German descent and it showed in his features of light brown hair and sparkly blue eyes. Even though my Daddy couldn’t read, I never knew him to get lost even in Los Angeles. He was a demanding man, he wanted a clean house and dinner on the table when he walked through the back door and most importantly, he wanted an heir to his name. I thought of him as a big man, Mama was five foot six and he towered over her. Daddy preferred to stay in the living room watching westerns, sometimes we could watch one with him, but if we did, he demanded complete silence. Depending on his mood especially if he was angry with Mama, he would turn his anger onto us. We knew if he got off the couch that he was going for the razor strap and there was no turning back. Crying or begging just made him angrier. Sometimes I really couldn’t sit down for a week! Mama tried many times to get him to stop at one or two swats, but it was as if Daddy was possessed, once he started swinging it was near impossible to make him stop. Mama said that every frustration he ever felt kept him swinging that belt no matter where it landed. Mama thought most of Daddy’s frustrations came from his childhood, starvation, having to beg for food, but most of all Daddies’ hatred of the orphanage that removed him and his siblings by the orders of the State of Idaho. He hated his Father for leaving them to look for work in California and never returning.

Due to his Mother’s inability to provide a secure home for them along with his poor education preyed on his mind constantly. Though Daddy now knew, his Father died the first year he tried to find work, making it impossible for him to return. However, Mama said that his poor upbringing, Messed with his mind, making him the way he was.

Grandma also added. Your Daddy was beat so many times with a razor strap belt that he thought of nothing else except running away and coming back home to me. One day he and James saw an opportunity while the Nuns were busy with the younger kids to run, and run they did.

Grandma told me they didn’t stop running until they were at my great Aunt Pearls some twenty miles away. They hid under her house, behind the fireplace wall until they stopped looking for them.

Grandma said. I overheard the Nuns say, ‘I really don’t care if we find them or not!’ After that Daddy and James picked cotton alongside Grandma hiding whenever anyone came around snooping. Daddy was only thirteen at the time, but they managed to remain free, and neither saw their siblings until they reached their legal ages for release. Idaho’s Eugenic law of 1918 was extended in 1925 to include all children placed under the care of an orphanage to be sterilized before their release. ‘This was done to improve the genetic quality of the human population,’ according to the Law. White supremacy, Mama added.

Grandma saw how upset I was becoming and quickly changed the subject.

Did you know that your Daddy had an older sister? Grandma asked.

No, where is she, can I meet her? I begged.

I’m afraid not, Grandma said sadly. A rattlesnake bit Mary at the age of fourteen and she died from the bite. Your Daddy loved her so much, so much in fact, that he named you after her. Sometimes he thinks you look just like her, Grandma laughed, especially when he is drinking."

The room was aglow with the light from the television that Daddy bought a year ago. Daddy put the television set against the wall directly across from his chair. Tonight we were watching a Bob Hope movie. I really didn’t understand it, and wanted Diana to play with me instead.

Come on, Diana. You can pick the game, I said as I stood up to leave the room.

Leave me alone or I’ll tell Mama, she replied as she snuggled down even more into the couch.

Fine. You always want to stay in the house and watch television, not me. I have Indians to kill and people to save! I yelled as I galloped off to the bedroom to hunt bad guys.

I heard the baby whimper and then I found myself standing by her crib staring down at her. She was pink and tiny. I once heard Mama say to Grandma, This was a difficult labor and delivery for her to have weighed only six pounds especially since Diana weighed eight and a half pounds and was my first baby and a much faster labor. Of course, at that time I was working in the cotton fields from sunrise to sunset, with this one I didn’t have to work.

The baby was chewing on her fist. She was somewhat cute, but she sure was bald. Grandma was suddenly behind me reaching for this small creature, talking so sweetly to her and cooing. ‘Wait a darn minute! This is my Grandma. Besides, I didn’t even want this baby!’ I thought.

What’s labor Grandma? I asked.

Donna, not now, Grandma groaned. Just go back to your room and play.

Okay, I mumbled as I turned and ran back to my room near tears, ‘no one has time for me anymore, because of that darn old baby,’ I thought.

I played in my room for a while before Grandma said it was bedtime.

Suddenly, I woke up, I heard screaming, and it sounded like Mama. I was unable to move as intense fear gripped me. ‘I think the Indians are coming after us. What am I supposed to do? ‘Think Donna before you act’, Mama always said.

Diana, wake up. Wake up, I whispered. She moaned, but didn’t wake up. She only kicked me under the covers as if to say, LEAVE ME ALONE!

Suddenly I heard Grandma’s voice. ‘She’d fix everything,’ I thought. I could still hear Mama as she continued screaming and Daddy saying something, but I couldn’t hear all the words.

I heard an occasional, Hush. You’ll wake the baby then, Do you want me to hit you again? Then Daddy and Grandma began talking in a whisper.

Mama was crying softly when I heard Grandma say in a normal voice, I’m going home now. I think you can handle this.

‘Handle what?’ I thought, as I got up and stood against the wall in the hall, so I could hear everything they said.

I overheard Mama saying, Charles, I can’t keep getting pregnant. I don’t want any more babies. Besides, this one is only two-weeks old for God’s sake, WHY can’t you just wait a little longer before we try again for a boy to carry on your precious name, all because your Mama said it was up to you to produce an heir?

UNTIL I HAVE A SON, YOU WILL HAVE MORE CHILDREN! Daddy yelled no longer caring if he woke the baby.

Mama was chanting that she had lost four boys in between me and the baby, every one of them was premature or deformed. That she just couldn’t keep getting pregnant and that he needed to leave her alone, at least for a while. I heard SLAPPING and something being thrown, then a SCREAM or two, then NOTHING. I slowly crawled back into bed trembling, with tears sliding slowly down my face. PRAYING for MY Mama, as I waited for morning to come.

I’d been awake for hours now it was barely light outside. I quietly rolled out of bed and headed for the back door to sneak outside. Once outside, I saw Daddy was already working on his truck, with his huge light overhead. I began taking snuff cans and old broken fruit jars out of the trash barrel, to set up my own kitchen area. I outlined my house with a long stick. There’s the kitchen, living room and bathroom, I said to myself. I didn’t need a bedroom because I wasn’t going to sleep, besides only babies slept in the daytime, I giggled. I began cooking breakfast. My mud pies were delicious and my soup divine. I tried to make Brownie eat his breakfast, but he wasn’t into mud pies.

BROWNIE’S AN OLD DOG quit giving him that mud pie. DAMN IT DONNA, are you trying to kill him? Daddy yelled, as he worked on his old truck.

No, I answered as I laid down my mud pie. Daddy, how long have we had Brownie? I asked.

I don’t know when we got him. He’s just always been with us, go ask your Mother. Daddy mumbled not looking up from his work.

Brownie was a good watchdog. He had bitten so many people that no one even bothered to get out of their trucks unless Daddy was outside. They’d sit there honking until Daddy came out to see what they wanted and that was the way Daddy wanted it to stay.

Brownie never growled at any of us. I sometimes rode on him as my horsey until he’d knock me off and go under the house.

DONNA, it’s time for you to come and eat your breakfast, Mama yelled from the back door. OKAY I’M COMIN’, I yelled back.

Hey, clean up your mess before you go in, Daddy said quietly.

I raced through picking up the trash and stuffing it back into the barrel then I ran into the house and sat at the table where Mama had placed a bowl of oatmeal for me.

MAMA, why does Brownie stay under the house most of the time? I yelled to her in the bedroom.

Brownie loves it under the house, Mama answered. Because it’s cool under there in the summer and warm if it’s winter.

Oh, I said.

That wasn’t what I thought she’d say. I sometimes ventured under the house to lie with Brownie. I felt safe there. I could hide from the Indians who were going to scalp me and hide from Mama and Daddy when they were yelling. Their voices were softer where Brownie laid.

Daddy quit working on his truck and came ambling into the kitchen asking.

Hey kiddo, do you want to watch a western with me?

Daddy loved westerns and I’d watch them just to sit close to him. I’d sometimes dream the bad guys were after me though, Daddy laughed at me when I’d say I was scared, and then he’d call me, ‘a little sissy.’

Yes, I answered running to catch up with him.

Mama was quiet when she came into the living room, I saw blood all over her clothes and her hair matted with blood. She looked ill. Her face was white and since she still had on her red lipstick, it made her appear even paler. I wanted to run to Mama and help her, but I didn’t know how. Daddy was right there and I was afraid so I ran into my room, shut the door and cried quietly so Daddy couldn’t hear me. After a few minutes, I forced myself to go back into the room with MY MAMA.

Charles, you have to take me to the Doctor to sew up the back of my head. I can’t stop the bleeding.

I heard Mama say as she held a bloody towel against the back of her head.

I will, but you better tell the Doctor you fell and hit your head, he answered sternly.

Yes, Charles. Of course, I will. Mama answered in a monotone voice.

Mama turned to me and said, Please, BE good while I’m gone.

I will, I promise Mama, I answered. Cross my heart and hope to die, I added just to be sure.

Daddy opened the front door and yelled, MOM, I NEED YOU TO BABYSIT WHILE I DRIVE TONI TO THE DOCTOR.

I heard as Grandma yelled back, ALL RIGHT I’LL BE THERE IN A SEC. I watched as Mama tried to clean up and change from her bloody clothes. She was so weak I thought she might faint.

When Grandma came over, I hid under the house with Brownie. I didn’t want to leave my safe place under the house. Not even for Grandma. I needed to be alone for a while. I was so scared for MY MAMA. Brownie listened to all my fears and made me feel better. I must have dozed off. The next thing I knew was hearing their car as it pulled in the driveway. I knew I’d better get back into the house before they did. I ran into the kitchen as they entered through the front door.

Grandma said, Quick, sit down and eat your supper, so I did.

What did the Doctor say Mama? I asked as I shoveled food into my mouth.

He just gave me a few stitches and told me to be more careful, she said as she glared at Daddy as she followed him into the kitchen.

Hurry up and finish your supper it’s past bedtime for the both of you, Mama said.

I don’t want to go to bed yet! Can I stay up a little while longer? I begged.

No, Mama and Daddy both said in unison. Go to bed right now.

Sometimes I’d start crying and no matter what Mama and Daddy said, I’d keep crying until they gave in saying I could stay up for just a while longer. And, this was one of the time it worked. Suddenly, I woke up, looked around and realized it was already morning and I didn’t even remember going to bed.

CHAPTER THREE

The Slew

I rushed through breakfast, my usual oatmeal with fresh cow’s milk. I hated milk it was so YUK!

Daddy brought fresh milk home from the dairy every day. I’d watch as Mama strained the milk using cheesecloth to remove all the floating blood, feces, grass and bugs out of the gallon container. I rarely saw Mama use any milk except for cooking, so I knew I wasn’t about to drink it either. I usually ate my oatmeal almost dry with lots of sugar and butter to make it taste better.

Mama said, We’re too poor to buy milk from the store, so you might as well, get used to this milk.

As Diana drank the milk, she said, I like fresh milk.

Behind our house was a slew. At least that’s what Mama said it was. Most of the time there was very little water flowing in the slew, mainly it contained sand, lots of sand that I wanted to play in. However, Mama said, If it rained or snowed in the mountains the water would gush down the gully and overfill the banks.

I can still hear Mama’s voice telling me repeatedly, Stay away from the slew, it’s a very dangerous place.

Today there was very little water in the slew, a perfect day to play in the sand. I’ll be back before Mama even misses me, I reasoned.

‘Oh boy,’ I thought as I began to cross one sand pile then another and another. I played in the sand, ran it through my fingers, adding just the right mixture of water to make it stick together. I saw small fishes, Minnows as Mama called them and I began chasing them. I was so busy trying to catch them I never noticed the water as it rushed past me.

I was sitting in the middle of the slew on a small sand hill playing when I heard Mama calling me. I jumped up, ready to run toward the house when I finally the noticed the water was all around me, I had nowhere to go the water was too deep! I started crying, not because I couldn’t swim or because of the water, but because Mama was going to spank me. There was nowhere to hide, so I just stood there crying.

When Mama saw me she yelled, DON’T MOVE! I’ll come and get you.

I heard the fear in her voice. BOY! Was I ever going to get it, by now I was crying even harder, afraid to move, afraid of a spankin’, afraid of what Daddy would do to me? Oh, why did I decide to play in the sand today? I whined to myself.

‘Where could I go?’ I thought, looking all around me. Worse, how was Mama going to get me? I looked up and saw Mama coming towards me. The water was up to her shoulders and rising. I saw her face and surprisingly she didn’t look mad. I’d never seen that look on her face before. It was full of FEAR, UNCERTAINTY AND DETERMINATION.

Don’t you move, you stay right there I’m coming, Mama said as she made headway to my little pile of sand. She was almost next to me, when suddenly she grabbed me with a force I wasn’t aware she possessed and carried me back to the bank.

Once on the bank, she began screaming at me. DON’T YOU REALIZE YOU COULD’VE DROWNED?

‘How was I going to drown? There wasn’t any water where I was playing?" I thought to myself. Nonetheless I wasn’t about to say anything to Mama, as I blankly stared into her face.

I wasn’t about to push my luck, as Mama said I often did.

Mama went on to explain, Donna, the snow in the Sonora Mountains is melting and rapidly filling up all the slews.

I still didn’t understand, but I knew I wasn’t going to play there again. I knew next time that Mama would spank me for sure.

CHAPTER FOUR

My first Christmas

Summer had come and gone and it was getting cold again.

Christmas is around the corner, Mama said with a smile.

Is it like Halloween? I interrupted. Like when you and Daddy took us to Grandma’s and the neighbor’s houses, and all we had to say was, Trick or Treat, and they gave us candy? I asked, getting excited.

No, it’s not like Halloween. Mama answered, still smiling.

Is it like Thanksgiving? That was fun with Grandma and all the food we had cakes, cookies, and oh yeah, the turkey, I so loved the turkey is that it Mama? I yelled with excitement, and starting to fidget waiting for her to answer.

No, that’s not it either, Christmas is a very special day silly, Mama said as she chuckled.

Have I ever seen Christmas before? I asked getting so confused.

Of course, you have, just last year at this time, you don’t remember? Mama asked.

I stood there thinking shaking my head slowly, I don’t remember any Christmas, I answered slowly. Are you sure we had one? I asked.

By now, Mamas laughing so hard, and I couldn’t understand why. I felt my face getting warmer and warmer the more she laughed. Why wasn’t I able to remember last year?

What’s last year Mama? I asked staring at her as she laughed harder and harder at me. I was about to run to my room when Mama finally was able to contain herself and quit laughing at me, and said, last year was a long time ago for you, so I doubt you’d remember. I hope you remember this Christmas and all the Christmas’s to come. Come sit by me you and Diana, and I’ll explain to both of you why this Holiday’s so special and why we celebrate.

Both of us scrambled to be the first beside Mama when Mama put Diana on her left and me on her right to keep us from fighting. Diana and I sat there staring at Mama waiting for her to begin.

Christmas is a very special time of the year, Mama started. We celebrate the day of Jesus’ birth, but I want you both to remember it’s not just a day when people receive gifts. Mama said as she stood up and headed into her bedroom picking up her Bible off the dresser, peeked on the baby, and returned to our story showing us pictures of Jesus, and explaining how the bright star led the men to his manger. How they brought special gifts just for him. She spoke for a while explaining how he grew up and died for us on the cross and because of this we now practice giving presents to those we love in celebration of his coming again.

So that’s what Christmas is. I said, Are we going to give gifts to Jesus too Mama?

No, Santa Clause is going to bring you and all the children a gift in his memory, there’ll be a Christmas tree, presents, and lots of food just like our Thanksgiving dinner silly, you’ll see just be patient. Mama said softly.

By now, Diana and I were so confused. I guess we’ll figure it out one day, by now I was ready to do something else.

Shrugging my shoulder and not caring anymore, I yelled as I jumped down from my chair. Let’s go play, cops and robbers Diana.

Mama, look it’s snowing, I yelled looking out the kitchen window. Why are all the trees naked? I asked Mama.

So they can get new clothes when it warms up again.

Huh, I mumbled. Mama saw my confused look and went on to explain.

The leaves make the tree limbs heavy, and then when it snows, the added weight bends them until they break. So all the trees must lose their leaves, or be naked she giggled before the first snow. Do you understand now?

I guess, I mumbled not wanting to look stupid, I just let it go and moved on to watching cartoons in the living room.

I saw Mama as she entered the living room carrying a box full of pretty things from the closet and humming.

Mama, what are you doing? I asked, as I stood up to follow her with Diana a close second.

Getting ready to decorate the Christmas tree, she answered with an air of surprise, smiling as she looked at me.

A Christmas tree, where’s it at Mama? I asked, jumping up and down. I saw a Christmas tree on television last night Mama. Will it look like that?

Better, because our tree will be in color and right in our very own living room, Mama answered. After work, Daddy’s going to cut the biggest, prettiest tree he can find in the woods and bring it home for all of us to decorate.

I could sense Mama was excited, so now I was getting excited. I turned to see if Diana was as excited as I was and she was gone.

I ran to the bedroom to tell Diana. Diana, we’re going to have a Christmas tree tonight.

So, she replied, not looking up from playing with her dang ole’ doll. Christmas trees are too much work and I want to play with my doll, so go away and leave me alone.

Fine, I said as ran back into the kitchen with Mama to wait for Daddy to come home.

Daddy’s home, I yelled, and with him was the biggest tree I had ever seen.

Mama was baking sugar cookies in the wood burning stove when Daddy walked in. The house was so warm and cozy and the smell of spices filled the air. I loved winter and all the smells that came from holiday cooking.

It’s snowing outside, Daddy mumbled. Supposed to snow about four inches, he said as he grabbed a cookie and continuing with his mouth full. Guess I’ll put snow chains on the Hudson tonight, and then we’ll decorate the tree.

Mama, why don’t I have a doll like Diana? I whined, trying to snuggle with her on the couch.

Someday maybe, you’ll have your very own doll. We’ll just have to wait and see about that, Mama answered.

You don’t need dolls, you need guns. Dolls are for sissies, Daddy interrupted sternly.

I want both, I giggled. I’ll need to save her from the Indians don’t I?

Mama was the best cook ever she cooked my favorite supper, roast beef, potatoes and fresh homemade bread with sugar cookies for dessert. Mama was so happy tonight. She loved holidays and I was happy when Mama was happy.

When I grow up, I’m going to be a great cook, I said giggling.

Mama laughed, I’m sure you will.

Daddy laughed too. No one will ever be as good a cook as your Mama.

I’m done eating Mama. Pleading I begged, Can we decorate the tree now?

As soon as I clean the kitchen we will, she said as she started picking up dishes to wash. I watched as Daddy walked outside to put snow chains on the Hudson.

I want to help you with the dishes, can I Mama, please? I asked.

Mama let me dry the dishes. I was so careful because I didn’t want to break anything.

TONI WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS DAMN TREE, IT’S HEAVY? Daddy yelled from the living room, and I didn’t even hear him come back inside.

Next to the television set, so the kids can watch the lights twinkle while watching Christmas movies, Mama yelled back.

I raced into the living room to watch Daddy set up the tree. Mama and Diana joined us.

You kids listen up, Daddy mumbled. I’ll place the Christmas lights on the tree first, then you and Diana can put on the ornaments and tinsel.

I was so excited. I kept babbling on and on about everything and nothing while Daddy put all the lights on the tree. When Daddy finished with the lights, Mama then handed Diana and me ornaments one at a time with the hooks attached. All we did was hang them on the bristles of each limb. Daddy lifted us up high so we could place ornaments towards the top of the tree.

After a while, Diana gave up. As she headed towards our bedroom, she paused and whispered, I’m too sleepy to hang anymore, you finish by yourself.

I’m not sleepy Daddy. Not me, I can go and go. I blurted as I twirled around and around putting tinsel on my head and letting it flow down my back.

Good. It’s time to place the tinsel and I want you to hang it one strand at a time.

Mama added. That way it will hang correctly. That’s if you’ll remove it from your head and quit acting silly, Mama said pointing at my head.

Yeah, settle down and finish, Daddy interrupted.

I will Daddy. I will make it perfect. As I looked around the living room, I no longer saw Mama. Where did Mama go? I asked.

Your Mama’s feeding the baby right now. Just keep working on the tinsel, Daddy answered.

Baby, that darn old baby. I want Mama to help me now! I screamed as I started stomping my feet.

Donna, stop it! Do you want a spankin? She’ll be back in a minute. Just keep going and you’ll be done before you know it, Daddy said sternly. I went back to decorating the tree.

Daddy here’s Mama. She’s done with the baby, I yelled. Come look Mama. I finished the tree. It’s so beauuutiful I said grinning from ear to ear.

Mama looked over at the tree, Yes, Donna that tree is the most beautiful tree I have ever seen. Now it’s time for you to go to bed, so wash up and put on your pajamas. I’ll be there in a little while to check on you and Diana.

Okay Mama, I said as I ran into my bedroom. Tonight I’m going to dream only about Santa and Christmas, I whispered to Diana. Who was already sleeping.

When I woke up I sat by the tree, day dreaming about all the toys Santa was making for me.

How long Mama? I asked as I continued hopping by the Christmas tree. How long until Christmas?

I told you five more days. When you go to sleep at night and wake up one, two, three, four, five more times, then it’ll be Christmas morning and your toy will be under the tree, Mama laughed.

Oh boy, I don’t want to wait Mama, I said as I chewed on my sugar cookie.

I’m aware, she answered with a glint in her eyes.

What did Santa bring you when you were little, a pony?

No, not much, she replied with a faraway sad look in her eyes. In those days, there was very little money. I was born during the depression years, so Santa had a hard time making enough toys for everyone. So, I usually got clothes, if anything.

Not me Mama, I want toys. I want a doll, guns and a coloring book. I giggled.

Wait a minute young lady, remember Santa has to make toys for all the children, not just you, she reminded me.

Well, Diana wants a table and chair set so she can play house with her doll. I volunteered so Mama wouldn’t lecture me anymore. Mama that’s all she wants to talks about when we go to bed is her new table and chairs that Santa is bringing her.

That’s what I heard, Mama said. I hope Santa can make one for her.

DIANA, DIANA COME HERE! Santa’s on the television set, I yelled.

I glanced out the window and saw light snow falling. Our Christmas tree lights were on. The house was warm. Mama was in the kitchen making hot cocoa, when there was a knock at the door.

It’s Grandma, Yeah! I thought.

Are you ready to watch the movie, Grandma asked.

Yes, Diana and I both chirped in unison.

As we snuggled down between Mama and Grandma to watch something called, ‘It’s a wonderful life. I asked Grandma, Why’s he upset? Who’s Clarence?" I kept going on and on about the movie until Grandma said,

Donna, if you’d be quiet and watch the movie, you’d know what’s going to happen next.

I was so excited I couldn’t keep from talking.

Donna, be quiet and watch the movie or I’ll turn the television set off! Mama said in the tone I definitely understood.

I will Mama, I promised.

Diana lay on the floor, her doll next to her sleeping. She was unable to stay awake to watch the end of the movie. When the movie ended, Grandma stood up to go home and Mama sent me to bed.

Mama, I don’t want to go the bed by myself, I whined.

Don’t worry when your Daddy gets home he’ll carry Diana to bed. So go on now. Mama said as she stood and waited for me to go.

My mind was racing, four more days until Christmas. How am I ever going to fall asleep? The next couple of days were a blur playing and watching television. Finally, it was the night before our meeting Santa Clause, Mama called it Christmas Eve, whatever that was. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep as I said my prayers and crawled into bed with Diana.

Please don’t pee on me tonight, I begged. I don’t want to stink when I meet Santa Clause.

I won’t, just go to sleep, Diana snapped at me.

I slowly opened my eyes it was almost morning. I could hear Mama and Daddy talking in the kitchen. Mama always woke up with Daddy to cook his breakfast and get him off to work. Daddy had to be at work by 6 a.m. so they both woke up by 4:30. Even on the days he didn’t have to work.

I slipped out of bed needing to go potty.

When I walked into the kitchen, Mama asked, What are you doing awake? Do you want some hot chocolate?

Yes please, I answered. I just can’t sleep anymore Mama.

I noticed the wood stove had the kitchen so warm our bedrooms were always cold. I stumbled to a chair and sat down at the table like a big girl. Mama was cooking pancakes and she made me one with homemade strawberry jam on top. It was so DELICIOUS.

Mama, did you ever meet Santa Clause? I asked.

Yes of course, she said with a smile. He’s a jolly fellow, and if you and Diana are good, Daddy and I will take you to meet him this afternoon."

Really! I’ll be good I promise, I squealed. When’s Saturday Mama?"

Silly girl, its tomorrow, rather this afternoon now, Mama said as she turned to make more pancakes.

This afternoon oh boy, I can be good until then. I know I can! I screamed.

Well little girl, you need to finish eating your breakfast and get back into bed. It’s too early for you to be up anyway, Daddy said smiling, and don’t forget your prayers.

I won’t, I yelled running for the bedroom.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the lord, my soul to take, I whispered.

Diana wake up, we are going to see Santa Clause tomorrow, I mean this afternoon. giggle, giggle.

Leave me alone, I don’t care about Santa, I’m still sleepy. Diana whined.

The night seemed like an eternity and I wasn’t able to fall back to sleep like Daddy said I would. When I heard Mama go back into her bedroom, I sneaked into the living room and turned the television set on. I turned the sound down. The only