Gutted

Prologue

~Barb~

The day I’d learned Cole had been shot—worst day of my life. Until that exact moment, I hadn’t realized how much I loved him.

He never knew.

I’d never gotten the chance to tell him.

By the time he’d arrived at the hospital where I worked as a trauma nurse, he had been unconscious and barely hanging on to life by a fraying thread. He’d been rushed into the OR but never made it out.

Then I’d been told he worked undercover for the Department of Homeland Security, and you could have knocked me over with a feather.

When we met he was in a motorcycle club. I always had issues with him being in an MC, but I’d tried to look past it to who he was, how he treated me, and the way he made me feel.

His road name had been Viper, and he’d been drop dead fucking gorgeous.

At six five he’d worn his golden blond hair long and he’d had eyes that were as blue as the waters at Navagio Beach.

Those eyes haunted me.

They’d pierced my soul with one gaze. And subsequently my panties.

Good God in heaven, the things that man could do to me.

Cole had been a Marine sniper with several overseas tours under his belt before he retired with twelve years in.

He was lethal.

He’d certainly killed me.

First, he’d slaughtered my resolve to not get involved with him, then he’d assassinated my determination to not get serious about him, and he’d utterly slayed my willpower not to fall in love with him.

We’d met through our best friends.

It had started as a harmless flirting and a few dances.

Until it wasn’t harmless anymore.

He’d made me trust him.

He’d made me fall in love with him.

But he’d lied to me.

He hadn’t been who he’d said he was, and when I found out, it had been too late.

Too late to be mad. Too late to tell him I loved him despite his deceit. Too late to tell him I hated him for making me give my whole heart to him, and only him.

Then he up and died, leaving me broken. Irreparably damaged to never be able to trust or love another man the way I loved him.

I had been so stupid for not telling him. The regret weighed on my heart and soul every damn day.

It had been almost two years since he left me alone to grieve, and I still couldn’t move on.

When, through mutual friends, I’d met Damon, I’d thought he was cute and funny, and, most importantly, he was the polar opposite of Cole. So when I ran into Damon again, we’d hung out. I’d brought him home and used him like he intended to use me. Then I left him in my bed the next morning and had gone to the gym to run as hard and as long as my legs would allow.

After that first night with Damon, I’d physically punished myself. I’d felt like I had cheated on Cole.

And I had no one to talk to. I’d tried once to talk to my BFF Leila, but she was so busy with her little girl and her bun in the oven. I didn’t want to burden her with my hysterical snot river, so I kept everything I’d been feeling deep inside.

Leila’s brother, Drew, had always checked on me. Sure, he was hotter than a whore in church, but he was Lei’s older brother. I’d crushed on him since forever, but I’d never acted on it. Until one night right after Cole died. One of the worst decisions ever. Drinking and grieving, not a good combination. And drunk couldn’t begin to cover what I was that night. All I’d wanted was to forget my pain, bury myself in the bottom of a bottle and get tangled between the sheets with someone I knew and trusted who was still alive.

Epic. Fail.

A few months later, I ran into Damon. He was familiar and hot. I could do anything I wanted and he’d come back for more. He was the perfect distraction. He was down with fucking me then leaving me be.

In the beginning.

Then one night, Damon stayed over and I’d had a nightmare about watching Cole die in front of me. Damon found me on the floor of my closet wrapped in Cole’s leather jacket, sobbing like a fucking idiot over a dead man.

It’d been freeing to finally talk about him. Damon held me and let me grieve. The next morning, he even went with me to the gym while I punished myself for crying like a Nancy. He’d turned out to be a good friend, and best of all he didn’t want anything more than to just be my friend. Okay, well that’s a lie. He totally wanted to hump my brains out every possible chance he got.

No, he wasn’t Cole, but Damon would do for the time being.

No one would ever take Cole’s place in my heart. Damon knew that and was okay with it. He treated me like one of the guys, and I loved that.

No pressure, just fun.

Chapter One

~Barb~

The new Christmas tradition was to get up at the ass crack of dawn and haul my miserable sleepy butt to Leila and Jaxon’s house to watch my little butterball, Lilly, open her presents. The whole shindig was a family affair. Drew, Leila, Jaxon, Jaxon’s parents, Brody, and Jane, plus this year we had three new additions to the group: Brody’s girlfriend, Emmery, his new foster son Declan, and Leila and Jaxon’s newest little monkey, Logan. Their house was big but was shrinking with each new addition.

For shit’s sake, next year we may be outnumbered by the little crumb snatchers. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my goddaughter to pieces. And the other little rug rats were cute too, but there were way too many bodily fluids in one room.

Yes, I’m a nurse and I deal with bodily fluids every day, but when I’m not working I don’t want to deal with that shit.

We were all sitting around after we had eaten breakfast and opened presents, watching Lilly play with her toys. Declan was in Lilly’s old walker crashing into the coffee table while trying to get around it. The little chunky monkey, Logan, was fast asleep in Jaxon’s mother, Ashley’s arms. She and Jane had taken turns holding him while he slept.

Lei and Emmery were standing near the tree with Declan when Brody crossed the room toward them then loudly cleared his throat, getting everyone’s attention.

He got close to his new honey and said, Emmery, you came into my life on a whirlwind. You surprise and mesmerize me every single day with your intelligence, your kind heart and your great sense of humor. I love you unconditionally. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without you and I don’t want to. I promise to always try to be the man you need and the husband you deserve. He dropped to one knee, pulled out a massive ring that looked like a freaking golf ball it was so big and asked, Emmery Sofia Lennox, will you do me the amazing honor of becoming my wife?

Waving her hands wildly in front of her tear-streaked face, she answered, Yes. Yes, I will marry you. As he stood up, she jumped into his arms and they began swapping spit. Ashley cleared her throat, which was the only reason they unlocked their soldered-together lips.

Oh my God, Brody. I can’t believe you did this, she said as he slipped the flawless diamond into place on her left hand. It’s exquisite. I love it. And it fits perfectly.

Gag me with a spoon. These two needed to get a room. Some of us didn’t want to have to endure their happy little display.

Drew nudged me then leaned down and whispered over Emmery’s continued blah, blah, blah, I’m so happy shit. You okay?

Yep, just fine, I lied with a weak smile.

As everyone herded around Brody and Emmery, there was a knock at the door. Jaxon and Leila looked back and forth at each other and shrugged.

Barb, can you grab that? I’m not sure who that could be at noon on Christmas day, Leila huffed, shifting Declan to the opposite hip.

Sure, I said as cheerfully as I could muster. I knew I needed to get a better attitude.

Who the hell would stop by unannounced and uninvited on Christmas morning? I thought as I rounded the couch, exited the living room and walked through the foyer to the front door.

Whoever it is, is just plain rude. Unless it’s carolers. Then that would be pretty badass. But so help me God, if it’s a bible-thumper, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.

Drew walked up behind me, waiting to see who it was too.

I reached for the knob, turned and pulled it open. When the blond, long-haired man turned around and said in a deep gravelly voice I’d never forget as long as I lived, Hey, babe, my knees buckled.

At the same time Leila shouted, Barb, who is it? Drew grabbed me under my arms and I whispered, Viper.

Chapter Two

~Viper~

The events that finally led me to Jax’s doorstep on Christmas morning were complicated and clandestine, but I made it.

Finally.

Standing in the front yard, I watched through the window for a minute before knocking. Leila was standing in front of the tree near that dipshit Brody; she had a baby on her hip. Dipshit was proposing to some hot chick with long black hair. My eyes searched the room, and I leaned farther to the right before I set my sights on her.

Barb.

She was as fucking gorgeous as I remembered, maybe more so. Since I’d been away, she’d let her beautiful strawberry-blonde hair grow to her shoulder blades. She was sitting next to Drew, who leaned in, rubbed her back way too fucking intimately and whispered something in her ear.

What the absolute fuck?

Fuck this, I muttered, adjusting the black backpack higher up my shoulder. I was done watching him touch her. She’s fucking mine. No one touches her but me. I’ll break his motherfucking hand.

Trudging the rest of the way up the sidewalk to the door, I took a deep breath. I had been looking forward to this day for six hundred twenty-one days and had rehearsed what I would say a thousand times.

Even though I tried to prepare myself for her every possible reaction, I knew in my heart she would forgive me. Whether she chose to admit it to herself or not, she loved me.

It sure as shit didn’t take me long to figure out I felt the same, but my hands had been tied up tight by my fucking job.

The first few weeks after I’d been shot—hurt like a motherfucker—I was in and out of consciousness registered under an alias in the same hospital where she worked. That sucked. Under no circumstance would they let her know I was alive, which meant I couldn’t have her near me.

When I was stable enough to travel, they shipped me off to Bethesda, Maryland, where it took two more months to fully heal. Ten minutes after I had been declared fit for duty, I’d been debriefed and was thrown into another undercover case.

Barb was going to be quantum pissed off, I could accept that, but she would be happy too. If I knew her as well as I thought I did, she’d probably take a swing at me.

Lifting my fist, I rapped on the large wooden door, covered with shiny green wrapping paper, and waited. I could hear them wondering aloud who had darkened their doorstep today of all days. Then I heard quick clunking of boot heels. She always did love to wear her brown cowgirl boots, even though they killed her feet.

Time screeched to a crawl as I waited for her to answer the door. An unfamiliar voice from the street distracted me momentarily, causing me to turn and look. The neighbors were piling into their car with presents filling their arms. Just as I turned back around the door opened.

Before she could look up, Leila hollered, Barb, who is it?

Barb turned her head and I finally got a clear view of her perfect, angelic face. Her pouty lips smiled her fake I-don’t-want-to-be doing-this smile. I could tell because her green-ringed, hazel eyes didn’t shine like they used to. Her eyes widened as Drew flanked her to the left.

Hey, babe, I said as I stepped closer to the threshold.

Her mouth dropped open slightly as her knees buckled, and she whispered, Viper.

I hated when she called me that.

As the r rolled off her tongue, her eyes rolled back and her head sagged. Drew grabbed her before I could, but I quickly jumped into action. Dropping my bag, I reached in and snatched her away from him. Wrapping my arms around her tiny frame, I hoisted her to my chest.

Barb, I called. Babe, can you hear me?

Drew stood then took a step back and looked at me as if I was a zombie who had returned to eat his brain. What the fuck? Viper?

Viper? Jaxon called as I held Barb in my arms.

Barb, baby, wake up, I coaxed as I shook her gently.

Barb, Leila cried. As I looked up, she handed off the baby she was holding to the woman Brody had just proposed to and ran around to the foyer.

Barb started to come around. Her face scrunched up and her eyes moved under her lids until they blinked open slowly. Her eyes welled up as they found mine, and her hand reached out to caress my cheek. Cole? Am I dreaming again? Are you really…here? Is this real?

I’m real, babe, I confirmed. I felt her whole body tense up and knew she wanted down. Carefully, I set her on her feet.

You’re…dead. How are you…here? Barb asked, her eyes never blinking. Her stare was hard but constant, like she thought I would disappear if she blinked.

It’s a long story that I promise to explain later. Are you okay? I was worried since she had just passed out in front of me.

"Well, considering my dead ex just showed up out of the blue, I think I’m doing as well as could be expected. Don’t you?" she snapped, taking a step back. And here comes the attitude that I missed so much. Barb was never one to let anyone see she was upset. My little warrior.

Babe, let’s sit and talk for a minute, I started. I can explain everything.

Jesus Christ. Viper. What the hell is going on? Jax came around the couch and stood across the foyer.

It’s a long, ridiculous story that I promise to tell, I turned and looked back at one livid Barb, "as soon as I have a chance to talk to you." I reached forward to tuck the stray hair that had escaped her pinned-back locks. Before I could, she swatted my hand away. I was prepared for her anger. Anger I could handle.

What I wasn’t prepared for was how quickly the anger would dissipate and the hurt and pain would seep in. I could see her heart breaking in front of me. Tears escaped her fabulous hazel eyes and streamed down her porcelain skin. It was so much worse than I had ever imagined and I was powerless to stop it.

Helpless to fix it.

The sting of her palm across my cheek caught me completely off guard and sobered me to the situation as I saw her turn and run up the stairs.

Leila followed. Barb.

She didn’t hesitate or slow. She continued up the stairs with Leila hot on her heels.

Babe, I started after her, calling her name.

Drew immediately stepped in my way. Hang on. Why don’t you give her a minute to process all of this?

"Get the hell out of my way, Drew. Don’t get between me and my woman," I warned.

Whoa, hang on, man. I think Drew’s right. You need to chill for a beat, Jax told me, as he stepped between Drew and me. This is a hell of a lot to process, bro. I mean…you’re alive and shit. Come here, man, Jax growled as he pulled me into a tight hug. Fuck, man. It’s so damn good to see you.

You too— I got most of it out before Jaxon pulled back slightly and punched me in the gut.

Fuck.

Groaning and sputtering, I hunched over as he slapped me hard on the back. Ugh, I deserved that. I know.

Jaxon, his mother whisper-screeched while holding a sleeping baby in her arms. She stood and handed the baby over to the older lady with Brody—I think her name was Jane if I remembered correctly.

Mom. Jax turned to Ashley, who I had not seen in many years. Do you remember Viper?

I’m confused. I thought you said he was dead, honey, she said with a pinched brow.

He was. Or at least that’s what we thought for the last two years. Jax slid a piercing gaze at me.

Well, then y’all need to rejoice. He’s alive. It’s a Christmas miracle, she declared joyfully.

"Can we celebrate and shit later? I need to talk to Barb. She has to understand what happened and why I stayed away. Why I had to," I insisted.

I think you need to worry a little less about yourself and a little more about Barb. Give her some space, Drew warned, still blocking the staircase to my woman.

And I’m tellin’ you to stay the fuck out of it.

Language, young man. I don’t care if you’re dead, alive or Jesus Christ himself. You will not cuss in front of my grandbabies like that, Jane reprimanded.

Agreed. That kind of language is not appropriate here, son, Jax’s father, Doug, spoke up. He had been quietly observing the situation unfold from across the room. I understand your eagerness, but you need to count to ten and take a breath. Coming in here and demanding her to talk to you won’t work.

Especially with Barb, Jax added.

Shiiiii…c-c-crap. I looked around at all the eyes on me. Watching my every move, waiting for my next bombshell. I felt like such a dick. You’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come in here and ruin your Christmas.

Come on, man, you know it’s not like that. You didn’t ruin anything. Mom is right. This is great news. I’m grateful you’re alive. Jax slapped my shoulder. Give her and Lei a minute to talk. She’ll be down when she’s ready.

Don’t push her. If I’ve learned anything about Barb over the last year or so, it’s that she’s not as put together as she’d want you or anyone else to believe, Drew said quietly as he stepped away from the stairs. You destroyed her, ya know.

Yeah, you know this because you were there to hold her hand and what? Pickin’ up the pieces of my mess, Drew? She’s mine. Not yours, I grunted, stopping his progress.

"Open your damn eyes, man. I’m not your competition," he assured me as he shook his head.

Standing there, staring at him, I wasn’t sure what to say. His words lifted a weight that was bearing down on me since I saw him touching her through the window.

"I’m not the competition, but that’s not to say there isn’t any. You’ve been gone almost two years, Viper. She had to move on…eventually." His words stopped me in my tracks.

Fuck. She had moved on? As I balled my fist, my body vibrated with rage. I refused to allow myself to ever believe she would move on so fast.

Who? was the only word I could get out through my clenched teeth.

I think ‘who’ is the last thing you need to worry about right now, Jax told me.

As we all stood in the open foyer of Jax’s house, I heard the faintest little voice. Unkee Roo, him mad at you?

Tucked behind Jax’s jean-clad leg was a beautiful little redheaded girl. Jax turned and scooped her up once he realized she was there. No, princess. He’s not mad at Uncle Drew. This is my best friend, Cole. Cole, this is my…uhh, Leila’s daughter, Lilly. Lilly, can you say hi?

Hi, Ole. She grinned from Jax’s right hip.

Hi, Lilly, I said, returning her greeting, instantly feeling my body relax. She was adorable and looked so much like Leila.

You big, she added with a giggle.

Thanks. I laughed. I wasn’t sure what the hell to say.

Jax lifted her a little higher and leaned in. Why don’t you go see Daddy and Declan? He got a bunch of new presents he probably needs his big sister to help him play with.

Come on, Lillybear. Why don’t we take your brother to the kitchen and get a little snack before we play? Brody took the little boy from his fiancée and carried him on his hip as he took Lilly’s hand and walked them to the kitchen.

Jesus, shit really has changed around here, I muttered to myself.

Everyone but Jaxon followed suit and exited to the kitchen, giving us the room. He flicked his head in the direction of the couches in the living room.

Man, why didn’t you at least call me? I could hear the hurt woven through the words of his question. I would’ve protected your secret.

Come on, man. Let’s be real here. You weren’t keepin’ shit from Leila. By the way, congrats. I heard y’all got married and had a little boy.

Thanks, but quit changin’ the subject. Why didn’t you tell me? I had your back for almost fifteen years. What makes you think this would be any fuckin’ different? Jaxon plopped down on the blue couch.

Running a hand through my hair, I copied him and took the chair adjacent to the sofa. "First of all, I didn’t want to put you in the position to have to lie to Leila. Secondly, I was under orders to cease all communications. Besides, it was a few weeks before I really knew what the