Getting Back Together: How To Reconcile With Your Partner - And Make It Last
By Bettie B Youngs, Masa Goetz and Suzy Farbman
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About this ebook
The divorce courts are littered with broken marriages--and broken lives. Yet most people would save their marriages--if only they knew how.
Getting back together is the solid, comprehensive guide you can count on to get your relationship back on track. No matter what issues you may face, this step-by-step program shows you how to take the initiative, reconcile your differences, and remake your relationship--from the ground up.
In this completely revised edition, Drs. Young and Goetz provide the most current studies and relationship evaluation tools available. They also include numerous inspiring real-life stories of couples that have resurrected and renewed their relationships.
Packed full of valuable information and comforting advice, Getting Back Together helps couples beat the odds and build a new, happier life together--forever.
Bettie B Youngs
An Adams Media author.
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Getting Back Together - Bettie B Youngs
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2nd Edition
GETTING BACK
TOGETHER
How to Reconcile with Your Partner— and Make It Last
Bettie B. Youngs, Ph.D., Ed.D.,
and
Masa Goetz, Ph.D.
Foreword by Suzy Farbman
9781593374938-F_0002_001Copyright © 2006, 1990, Bettie B. Youngs and Masa Goetz. All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.
Published by Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc. 57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322 U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com
ISBN 10: 1-59337-493-3
ISBN 13: 978-1-59337-493-8
eISBN: 978-1-44051-812-6
Printed in the United States of America.
J I H G F E D C
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Youngs, Bettie B.
Getting back together: how to reconcile with your partner—and make it last / Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz.—2nd ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 1-59337-493-3
1. Marriage—Handbooks, manuals, etc. 2. Marital conflict.
3. Reconciliation. I. Goetz, Masa Aiba. II. Title.
HQ734.Y84 2006
646.7’8--dc22
2005026076
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.
—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations
This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.
Contents
Foreword
Acknowledgments
Dear Reader
chapter one
Getting Back Together: What You Must Know Now
Separation: The First Step to Getting Back Together
Couples Do Separate and Get Back Together Again
Separation Is Not the Problem—It’s the Symptom
Use Separation as a Time to Make Necessary Changes
Separation as a Time-Out
Key Ingredients of a Successful Separation and Reconciliation
Questions for Reflection
chapter two
Just Getting Back with Your Partner Isn’t Enough:
The Dangers of a Premature Reunion
Negative History and Dysfunctional Patterns of Behavior
The Dangers of Rushing into Reconciliation
How Healing Starts
Why You Need Time Apart
What Really Went Wrong in the Relationship?
Taking Stock of the Situation
You Can Make the Most of This Time Apart
Questions for Reflection
chapter three
How to Detach with Love and Let Go—for Now
Are You Feeling Fearful Right Now?
Letting Go of Fear
Three Steps to Help You Step Back and Detach—for Now
Don’t Let Your Health Suffer
Reach Out to Others
Get into Counseling
Meet Your Responsibilities—One Day at a Time
Resist the Urge to Change My Entire Life
Start a Journal
Schedule Your Activities
Keep Track of Your Triumphs
There IS Light at the End of the Tunnel
Questions for Reflection
chapter four
What Do You Really Want?
How Are Your Values Being Expressed?
What Are Your Values?
Setting Your Priorities
How Well Does Your Relationship Fit Your Values?
If You Need Help Finding Out What You Want
Questions for Reflection
chapter five
Getting Your Partner Back: Creating Your Plan of Action
Setting Goals to Achieve a Plan of Action
Guidelines for Setting Goals
Identifying the Obstacles to Your Goals
Visualize the Benefits of Achieving Your Goals
You Can Do It!
Questions for Reflection
chapter six
Are You Ready to Reconcile?
Don’t Rush Back!
How to Know When the Time Is Right to Reconcile
What to Do When Little or Nothing Has Changed
Should You Compromise Your Values?
How Much Are You Willing to Compromise?
Can You Wait It Out?
Have You Reclaimed Your Life?
How to Know If You’ve Regained Your Equilibrium
You Can Do It!
Questions for Reflection
chapter seven
Are We Ready to Reconcile?
Why Did You Choose This Person?
Adapting to Changing Needs
What Happened to the Woman I Married?
What Needs Did You Bring to the Relationship?
What Needs Did Your Partner Bring to the Relationship?
How Well Did Your Relationship Meet Your Needs?
That Was Then
. . .This Is Now: What Needs Do You Have Now?
Are Your Needs Compatible?
How Have You Both Changed?
How Will These Changes Affect Your Relationship?
Caution! Wait until You Can Both Commit to the Relationship
Can We Be a Couple Again?
Questions for Reflection
chapter eight
Communication: What Works and Why
Speaking from Your Heart
Communication and Soulmates
What You Said Versus What You Meant:
Obstacles to Communication
How to Talk So Your Partner Will Listen—
And Listen So Your Partner Will Talk
Guidelines for Communicating Effectively
What to Do If Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Communicate
Communication Skills That Build Love
Saying What You Mean and Hearing What is Said
Questions for Reflection
chapter nine
Now That You’re Back Together:
How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Reconciliation
Common Stumbling Blocks in Reconciliation
Making It Better This Time
Questions for Reflection
chapter ten
Sustaining a Loving and Lasting Relationship: Advice from Those
Who’ve Been in Your Shoes
ONE: Make Your Relationship a Priority
TWO: Keep the Lines of Communication Open
THREE: Lighten Up and Have Fun!
FOUR: Remind Your Partner of Your Love—All the Time
FIVE: Keep Learning about How to Have a Happy Relationship
SIX: Remember What You’ve Accomplished
When Things Get Tough
SEVEN: Maintain Your Own Identity
EIGHT: Develop a Support System
That’s Rooting for the Relationship
NINE: Be Best Friends with Each Other
TEN: Plan for Your Future Together
Making the Ten Keys Part of Your Happy Marriage
Questions for Reflection
chapter eleven
A Miracle We’re Together
:
One Couple’s Journey from Separation to Reconciliation
Stage One: The Problems Mount
Stage Two: Separation
Stage Three: Preparation
Stage Four: Reconciliation
Questions for Reflection
chapter twelve
Making a Lifetime Commitment:
Advice from Successfully Reunited Couples
Moving Your Relationship from Winter to Spring
Larry and Janice: After Twenty-two Years of Marriage . . .
Barry and Darlene: Building Up Instead of Tearing Down
Jay and Peggy: We Decided to Reunite
Mindy and Steve: Totally Committed Forever
Pam and Gabe: I Wasn’t Willing to Throw Our Life Away
The Road to a Successful Reunion
What Successfully Reunited Couples Want You to Know
Would We Do it Again?
Questions for Reflection
Suggested Reading
About the Authors
Foreword
What is happening to you now also happened to me. I, too, was completely devastated by the failure of my marriage and desperate to find answers that would let me put my marriage back together again. Endless questions tormented me: How could this happen? How can I fix it? Is there any hope for us? But I made it through, and you can, too!
Getting Back Together, 2nd Edition distills the knowledge of what is necessary to repair a broken relationship. The practical, step-by-step guidelines in this book show you how to mend the pieces of your relationship, and put the pieces back together into a new relationship that is much better and stronger than before. It is exactly what you need at a time when you feel most vulnerable and are looking for guidance on what to do.
Fear, loneliness, anger, self-recrimination, blame, denial—all these emotions and more plague your mind when your relationship is coming apart at the seams. Although the circumstances seem dire, they are not permanent. If you’ve recently separated from your partner, don’t give up hope for a successful reconciliation! You hold in your hands the possibility of recreating a lasting, fulfilling relationship with your partner. Flying in the face of conventional wisdom—which often advocates putting it behind you and moving on
—Getting Back Together, 2nd Edition clearly shows you what must be done to give yourself the best chance of reconciliation. This book takes you on the journey of what really happens when couples split up and then successfully reconcile.
Would you be surprised to learn that separation can be good for a relationship? Getting Back Together, 2nd Edition explains how being apart can actually give you the best chance of getting back together! From my own experience with infidelity and the long journey back to reconciliation, I especially appreciate the advice on issues such as: the importance of temporarily detaching from the desire to reconcile immediately; the need to discover and strengthen your own inner resources; the need for necessary changes to take place before reconciliation; and the importance of deciding what your core values are and how they will be expressed in the relationship. Advice on how to know when you are ready to reconcile and what to do after you reunite makes this a comprehensive guide that coaches you every step of the way. This book will help you formulate a proactive plan that will not only be the basis for a better relationship, but also the foundation for a stronger and happier you!
Couples who separate and get back together know what it takes to rebuild a relationship. They have succeeded in accomplishing what most regard as impossible: overcoming the seemingly insurmountable problems of the past, and creating deeply loving, lasting, and renewed relationships with their former partner. Getting Back Together, 2nd Edition presents numerous true stories that show how real people deal with the many problems that arise during separation. Their experiences make for inspiring and enlightening reading.
This book is a must-read for everyone who has broken up with a partner and is searching for hope and guidance in getting back together. Its soothing advice will provide you with stability and direction for managing the critical and painful time of separation from your loved one. Authors Bettie B. Youngs and Masa Goetz have succeeded in writing a book that is honest, clearheaded, practical, down-to-earth, and helpful for those who are devastated by the loss of their partner and are searching for ways to reconcile. I am enormously pleased that so many people—including you— may be helped!
—Suzy Farbman, author, Back from Betrayal:
Saving a Marriage, a Family, a Life
Acknowledgments
So many people have been instrumental in creating the inspiration and material for this book: the clients whose struggles and successes form the basis of this work; the couples who were interviewed and freely shared their experiences of separation and reunion; and the professional colleagues who offered their valuable insight and support. We thank you for being so open and willing to share your journey through separation and reconciliation with us. Certainly you form the heart of this book. A warm thanks to our publisher, Adams Media, and to editor Danielle Chiotti, for their support and belief in this work; to Susan Heim from our staff for her skillful editing work; and to Bill Gladstone at Waterside for helping this project come to fruition—and for his friendship over the years. Also, a most special thanks to family and friends whose love and friendship sustain us.
Bettie B. Youngs, Ph.D., Ed.D., and Masa Goetz, Ph.D.
Dear Reader:
• Are you mourning the loss of a love you thought would last forever?
• Are you unwilling to put everything you cherished behind you and start all over again?
• Has your relationship crumbled under the weight of betrayal, addiction, or broken promises?
• Are you torn between advice to let go
—and your heart’s desire to find a way to be together again?
• Have you and your partner separated and reconciled before—only to find the same issues unresolved?
• Do your beliefs direct you to seek reconciliation rather than walk away from your vows?
• Are you willing to take the steps that might lead you back to a renewed and more loving relationship—but wondering how to begin?
If you answered yes
to any of the questions above, chances are that you’re going through a devastating time right now. The pain of your loss may feel unendurable, and your mind keeps churning with the same thoughts over and over again: How did this happen?
Why can’t we make things work out?
I never thought I’d find myself in this position.
You know your relationship is in more pieces than Humpty Dumpty, yet you hope it can be put together again.
You may feel as if you are the only one going through this experience right now, but separation is much more common than you may think. Although some couples separate permanently, the numbers show that separation does not have to lead to divorce. Despite divorce statistics that have held steady at approximately 50 percent for all first-time marriages, Americans still value the ideals of marriage with a lifelong partner. What is hidden in these statistics is the number of individuals who do reconcile with and remarry the partners they originally separated from—a figure that some experts have estimated ranges up to 14 percent. In actual numbers, this would mean that of the almost one million divorces reported in the latest U.S. Census Bureau figures, approximately 140,000 divorced couples eventually reconciled. There are many more couples, as high as 80 percent according to some accounts, who informally separate for some period of time during their marriage and then reunite.
These numbers prove that there is hope. Countless women and men have been in your situation, and have found their way back to a loving relationship with their partner. Some decided to enter counseling. Others worked toward solving their problems on their own when they saw that their relationship was in danger of breaking apart. In some cases, there was little change; the couples settled for things remaining much the same as they were. But in others cases, change was dramatic—the relationship was significantly improved.
What do these couples know that you don’t? What have they done that you can learn from? The important changes these couples made are an example for others to follow. By listening to their stories— from painful separation to loving reunion—we discovered a practical model of hope for others to follow. This does not mean that all marriages can or should be put back together. When relationships are destructive and there is little hope of change, they may need to end.
So, how do you begin? You’ve already taken the first step by deciding to become pro-active. In this book, we’ll show you how to make separation work for the relationship instead of against it; how to get your self-confidence and energy back; and what steps to take that can lead to a renewed relationship. Separation can be a time of tremendous growth and discovery for you—one that puts you in a much better position to heal your relationship and achieve a successful and long-lasting reconciliation.
If your partner is willing to read this book at the same time—all the better! You’ll both be on the path to greater growth and change. But if your partner is not ready yet, then begin on your own, perhaps with the assistance of counseling. Do reach out for support and guidance if you need it.
If you believe that there is a future for yourself and your partner, and you are willing to take the steps to achieve your goal, then this book is for you. You will be shown how to make a separation work for the relationship rather than against it; how to increase your inner strength so that the relationship has a stronger foundation; and how to go through the steps of discovery and renewal to a successful reconciliation. With specific strategies and easy-to-understand principles that you can apply right away, Getting Back Together, 2nd Edition helps you make your way back into a loving and enduring relationship.
Sometimes, what looks like the end is really an opportunity for a new beginning. So pay attention to the possibilities ahead of you. Rather than regarding separation as a failure, take one step at a time on this journey of personal growth and keep your focus on reconciliation and a much stronger, more loving, and committed relationship.
—Bettie B. Youngs, Ph.D., Ed.D., and Masa Goetz, Ph.D.
Please note that throughout this book, we have alternated the use of he
or she
for ease in reading, although the situations and principles apply equally to both men and women.
chapter one
Getting Back Together:
What You Must Know Now
What you thought would last