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    Forgiving What You'll Never Forget
    Forgiving What You'll Never Forget
    Forgiving What You'll Never Forget
    Ebook141 pages2 hours

    Forgiving What You'll Never Forget

    By Dr. David Stoop

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    About this ebook

    Forgiveness is an essential part of being a Christian. But what do we do when confronted with the unforgivable--an act that shakes our moral foundations to their roots, often committed by someone trusted and loved? Murder, sexual abuse, adultery--all leave lifelong wounds and all are trespasses that, through the grace of God, still can be forgiven. Dr. David Stoop compassionately guides readers along the course of heartfelt forgiveness, freeing them to apply the biblical teachings that have already changed thousands of lives. Now available in mass market.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBaker Publishing Group
    Release dateJan 17, 2017
    ISBN9781493406395
    Author

    Dr. David Stoop

    Dr. David Stoop (1937-2021) was the founder and director of the Center for Family Therapy and cohost of the nationally syndicated New Life Live! radio and TV program. The author of more than 30 books, including Forgiving What You'll Never Forget and Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, David coauthored several books with his wife, Jan, and led seminars and retreats on topics such as marital relationships, parenting, men's issues, fathering, and forgiveness. Learn more at www.DrStoop.com.

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      Book preview

      Forgiving What You'll Never Forget - Dr. David Stoop

      © 2001, 2003 by David Stoop

      Published by Revell

      a division of Baker Publishing Group

      PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

      www.revellbooks.com

      Spire edition published 2016

      Regal edition published in April 2005.

      Servant Publications edition, titled Forgiving the Unforgivable, published in 2003.

      Servant Publications edition, titled Real Solutions for Forgiving the Unforgivable, published in 2001.

      Ebook edition created 2017

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

      All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

      Scripture quotations labeled NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

      Scripture quotations labeled PHILLIPS are from The New Testament in Modern English, revised edition—J. B. Phillips, translator. © J. B. Phillips 1958, 1960, 1972. Used by permission of Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc.

      To protect the privacy of some of the individuals whose stories are told in this book, names and characterizations have been fictionalized, although they are based on real events. With permission, real names and events are portrayed in most of the stories.

      Praise for Forgiving What You’ll Never Forget

      The Bible, as well as medical research, tells us that forgiveness matters to your spiritual, emotional, relational, and physical health. But what does Christ-centered forgiveness look like in the real world where many people see themselves as victims and don’t take responsibility for wrongs committed, let alone ask for forgiveness? In this practical book, Dave doesn’t tiptoe around the tough questions. He faces head-on the myths and misconceptions about forgiveness and gives practical answers that can lead you to a deep healing and a new sense of freedom. This is a book you’ll read more than once.

      Gary J. Oliver, ThM, PhD

      Executive Director, The Center for Marriage and Family Studies at John Brown University

      Coauthor, Raising Sons and Loving It and Raising Kids to Love Jesus

      Contents

      Cover    1

      Title Page    3

      Copyright Page    4

      Endorsements    5

      1. Apology Not Accepted    9

      2. Myths and Truths about Forgiveness    25

      3. Forgiveness and Reconciliation    43

      4. A Radical Forgiveness    61

      5. Choosing to Forgive: False Paths We Can Take    79

      6. The Path of Forgiveness    95

      7. Forgiving Ourselves    115

      8. A Step Beyond Forgiveness    129

      9. The Benefits of Forgiveness    139

      10. Questions Often Asked Concerning Forgiveness    151

      Notes    159

      Back Cover    162

      Without forgiveness, there is no future.

      Bishop Desmond Tutu

      If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

      Jesus of Nazareth (Matthew 6:14–15)

      1

      Apology Not Accepted

      The words she spoke of Mrs. Harris, lambs could not forgive . . . nor worms forget.

      Charles Dickens

      Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to anyone. Perhaps the main reason is that it is so basically and totally unfair. I’m the one who has been injured, and now I must do the forgiving? No way! And if the offense is horrendous, forgiveness is not only unnatural, it seems impossible. Or what if the other person isn’t sorry, or isn’t even alive anymore? How do I forgive in that situation? It’s impossible. Or is it?

      A few years ago, I was confronted with some of the painful things I had experienced with my father as I was growing up. There was a sudden onslaught of memories of things I had tried to forget. Ever since my father had died, 20 years before, I had blocked out all the negatives of our relationship, trying only to remember the good things. But when the veil of my denial was broken by some remarks my sister made, I was flooded with memories of his Irish temper, of the vicious spankings in the basement, of my fear of him and of the ulcer I developed at age 10. Only then did I begin to reference that ulcer to the stress of living with his unpredictable temper. The myth had always been that my diet caused the ulcer—at least that was what I had always been told.

      I knew I had to do something about all the feelings with which I was struggling. But he’s dead, I remember thinking. What am I supposed to do with all these horrible feelings? I remembered what I told others in my counseling office, that forgiveness is the only way to resolve issues of the past. But how can I forgive him when he’s not here to be forgiven? I asked myself. Yet a year later I was able to forgive him, and when I did, it was like my life had a new beginning. I understood the words of Pat Conroy, who wrote in one of his novels, On the day I forgave my father, my life began.1 What had seemed impossible became a reality.

      But what if I had been called upon to forgive a more serious act, like murder? How do you forgive when your own child is murdered? And what if the one who commits the crime is also part of the family? How do you forgive someone you love for killing another loved one?

      Wayne and Arlene attended our church. They had two beautiful daughters, both married and growing with their families. There was nothing apparent about the family that would make anyone think such a horrible thing could happen. Yet it happened. Wayne and Arlene’s son-in-law shot and killed his wife, their daughter, during an argument in their kitchen. One can hardly imagine the pain Wayne and Arlene felt.

      Then, in the midst of their grief, not only did Wayne and Arlene step in and take over the raising of their grandchildren, but they also stood by their son-in-law during his trial and prison term. When he was released, they invited him to live with them and his kids until he could get his life started again. The reality of the forgiveness given by Wayne and Arlene has been proven over the years by their actions.

      But what if complete strangers killed your child? What if your beautiful young daughter was a Fulbright Scholar working halfway around the world, seeking to improve the lives of people trapped in poverty, and you suddenly were confronted with the reality of her brutal death?

      Amy was a young woman from our community who was pouring her life into a black squatters’ village in South Africa, helping the residents begin their slow march out of poverty after apartheid was eliminated. After spending over a year there, she felt the community was accepting her and her coworkers. Then the whole world heard the news that four young men from that same community had beaten her to death.

      The world watched as her parents walked into the hearing room of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission and then publicly offered these men forgiveness, and stated that they would support the Truth and Reconciliation Commission if it decided to grant them amnesty—which it did. Yet it made the front page of our local paper only when Amy’s parents talked about how they were going to help continue the work started by their daughter and set up a locally run business making Amy’s bread—the bread of hope and peace.2

      What if the attack was on you personally? What if someone violated you and attempted to take your own life? Madge made news when she was assaulted and stabbed in a rape attempt. For 20 minutes she fought with her attacker in the ladies’ restroom at a local restaurant. When he tried to escape, he was arrested in the parking lot. Madge was taken to the emergency room, covered with blood.

      At the trial, months later, the man was sentenced to 17 years in prison. The judge then asked Madge if she wanted to make a statement. She made news again when she expressed to the court that she had forgiven the man and then said as she held up a Living Bible, Your Honor, this man said that he knew he needed help, and I know that all the help he needs can be found in the Word of God. Since then she has visited and corresponded with her assailant, who has expressed remorse for his crime and amazement at having been forgiven.

      How does someone forgive a betrayal? Judy tried to describe the pain she felt that horrible day five years ago. She said everything inside her was spinning and that she almost literally fell as she got out of her car. And then, as she was trying to steady herself, she heard a horrible moaning sound. Suddenly she realized the sound was coming from her. She said she felt the sound came from the depths of her soul and accurately marked the agony she was feeling. She had just found out that her husband had been into pornography since before their marriage 18 years earlier. She had also discovered that he had been involved in an affair for the past three years. Everything she had always believed about her marriage and family lay shattered at her feet.

      Judy recalled how she and her husband had once joked about what would happen if either of them ever had an affair. She had told him, It better never happen to us because I would be gone in a split second! But now that it was a reality, her only thoughts were about how to find healing for such a huge wound within her soul, and how to salvage the marriage. Three years later, she had forgiven her husband, and together they had been working hard to create a whole new, healthy relationship as husband and wife.

      What if you were the perpetrator? What if you were the one who did something unforgivable? How does forgiveness work when I’m the one needing forgiveness, and I feel like I can’t forgive myself? It had been 15 years, but Irene couldn’t talk about the abortions without breaking into convulsive sobs and then angrily berating herself for being so wicked and stupid! It didn’t matter that her husband had been totally unsupportive as she felt so much pain over the years. It didn’t matter that she had been struggling with her young daughter’s potentially fatal illness, again without any support from her husband, when she had the two abortions. Nothing mattered to Irene except the

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