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    Did You Sh*t Yourself?!: Your Fartin' Asshole Is Not a Great Way to Make Friends
    Did You Sh*t Yourself?!: Your Fartin' Asshole Is Not a Great Way to Make Friends
    Did You Sh*t Yourself?!: Your Fartin' Asshole Is Not a Great Way to Make Friends
    Ebook93 pages1 hour

    Did You Sh*t Yourself?!: Your Fartin' Asshole Is Not a Great Way to Make Friends

    By Dorothy Bigguns

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    About this ebook

    From a #1 worst-selling author:

    A fresh and funny short stories series about love, friendship, and flatulence...

    “Horrid. Stupid. Badly narrated.”
    -- Richard E. Pozzuto ★

    "I am not really sure why I bought this book. It has some funny parts in it, but otherwise its a waste of time."
    -- shawn ★★★

    “It’s a book about farts; what do you expect?!”
    -- Dorothy’s mother ★★

    She used to make friends. Now she's making sure her friends, family, and flight attendants keel over from her farts. Something has to change, right?

    Dorothy is transparent, witty, and never minces words about her dark exploits and depraved humor. Whether traveling by plane or truck, Dorothy somehow manages to make any boring circumstance a laugh-out-loud scene filled with sophomoric low-brow humor. If you’re looking for humor in the same vein as The New Yorker or Bill Cosby, then this book isn’t for you! If you want funny short stories about friendship, optimism, and forgiveness spiced with a bit of self-deprecation, then this book is for YOU!

    Grab your copy of the only fast-paced, feel-good short story series about love, humor, life, and a generous helping of farts.

    Perfect for fans of Judd Apatow, Jim Gaffigan, Amy Schumer, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, & Bob Saget.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherOne Jacked Monkey
    Release dateAug 18, 2016
    ISBN9781370829972
    Did You Sh*t Yourself?!: Your Fartin' Asshole Is Not a Great Way to Make Friends
    Author

    Dorothy Bigguns

    Dorothy Bigguns is an avid shuffleboard player, YouTube junkie and a fan of all comedy. She loves to read, write and judge people that don't fart in public. Ms. Bigguns studied at Ohio State University for one semester and discovered that schooling cost too much, so she dropped out to become a full-time porter at a hospital while pursuing a career in writing. In her free time, she volunteers at the local humane society caring for dogs, cats and rabbits.

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      Book preview

      Did You Sh*t Yourself?! - Dorothy Bigguns

      Did You Sh*t Yourself?!

      Your Fartin' Asshole Is Not a Great Way to Make Friends

      By Dorothy Bigguns

      © 2015

      Disclaimer

      I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them. To maintain their anonymity in some instances I have changed the names of individuals and places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations and places of residence.

      Table of Contents

      My Fartin’ Asshole is Not a Great Way to Make Friends

      Did I Shit Myself?!

      These Perfume Samples Smell Like Ass

      How to Piss Off Your Best Friend

      The Practical Joke Misfired

      Putting on Airs

      Stinkin’ Up the Clouds

      How to Rate Your Farts

      Pinkeye from the Stinkeye

      Bustin’ Ass on the Bus

      How to Get Out of Work

      A Kiss Goodbye

      Come On, Baby, Light My Fart

      Malt Liquor & Cheap Pizza

      Did You Shit Yourself?!

      Fabrics Conducive to Farting

      Buffet Bloat & Bowel Blast

      The Blame Game

      Rock Concerts Smell Anyways

      A Kid’s Skid Marks

      Epilogue

      My Fartin’ Asshole is Not a Great Way to Make Friends

      Everyone began rushing out of the house as if the place were on fire. All of them retching, gasping and yelling out in exaggerated agony. It was as if they discovered a decomposed body. Make no mistake, no dead body could be found here. And, one person remained in defiance of all the commotion, me.

      I was laughing so uncontrollably that I was doubled over with my hands clenched tightly to my weapon of choice. I had tears streaking down the side of my face and the more reactions I received the more I would howl in laughter. To me, this was the funniest thing I’d ever witnessed and I was the culprit. Since it was my joke, this made it even more unbearably comical. Somehow my hapless victims found no amusement nor were they willing to come back in the house as I assured them it was safe now.

      After all, for years now, my sense of smell was literally gone. I promise that I have purpose for sharing this prior to you understanding why I found this situation so funny. From the time I started as a state tested nurse aide in 1994, my nose couldn’t distinguish roses from shit. I previously consulted a doctor about why I had no sense of smell and unfortunately, he could only guess what went wrong.

      An MRI (magnetic resonance image) of my head, a battery of tests on different medications and a brief overview of my diet revealed nothing. The doctor concluded that I had lost my sense of smell due to a virus that caused my olfactory nerves (small nerve endings, located in the sinus cavity, responsible for the sense of smell) to shrivel up and die off. He determined the rare instances that I could catch a whiff of coffee, french fries and the occasional cologne, was pretty promising for a return of my lost sense someday. Yet this never reassured me a thing and no money-back guarantee was attached to his claim. So, I ended up where I started, except with less money in my bank account and additional useless paperwork inserted into my health records.

      On the day that my hapless victims fell prey to my vicious prank, my sense of smell was non-existent and my sense of humor was at an all new level of depravity. I was in the doorway, my audience of 8 or 9 friends looked at me like they could beat me with the very can I held in my hand. The weapon of choice was a novelty Can of Farts that was gifted to me from my boss on my birthday.

      She knew that I was an excessively flatulent. We shared a closet disguised as an office together with the constant hum of the building’s circuit breaker next to our desk. The confined work space made the errant fart seem much larger than what it should have been.

      I was prone to have regular evenings of excessive alcohol and cheap pizza consumption. So, the next day proved to be a bit more challenging to bottle up the gassiness from my recovering stomach. I would try to squeak out a quiet fart without getting noticed, but a closet-sized office doesn’t even permit you to breathe with the other person knowing your most recent meal. It’s understandable that these farts would violate anyone’s good sense. She would wave her hand and state, Darling, I think something died inside of you.

      I believe she wasn’t too far off and I would guess that it was me. My stomach was rotting or dying from my excessive lifestyle. Of course, her reaction was enough to encourage my laughter and I would accidentally squeeze out another fart. That last action would get my boss to burst out of her seat and proclaim, I need fresh air and a cigarette!

      On my birthday, prior to my crowd-clearing practical joke, my boss gifted me a mug proclaiming me Queen of Farts. It had a picture of a woman with a crown, cape and scepter, standing with her left leg lifted and a cloud shooting out of her backside. She had a shit-eating grin showing the same lack of refinement I had. Inside the cup, my boss had placed a novelty gift aerosol spray can labeled Can of Farts. She requested that I never, under any circumstance, spray that in the office. I was further told it was more for looks and not for use.

      I believe on this day, the crowd was friends and family that were associated with my metal band at the time. A handful of people were enjoying a cigarette in the house and light conversation over the latest work gossip. For some reason, I thought to myself, I wonder how bad that ‘Can of Farts’ really smells? Well, let’s find out.

      I raced after the can and unwrapped the protective seal that held the cap firmly over the

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