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    From I Do to We Do: The First Five Years
    From I Do to We Do: The First Five Years
    From I Do to We Do: The First Five Years
    Ebook178 pages2 hours

    From I Do to We Do: The First Five Years

    By Patricia M. Robertson

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    About this ebook

    It started with "Hello." A chance encounter that led to dating, that led to the words, "Will you marry me?" and "I do!" But what do you say after you say "I do?" How do you go from "I do," to "We do?"

    This book is a guide for the first five years of marriage. It is designed to help navigate those crucial early years of married life that can set the stage for your life together.

    For all married couples. It includes information on adjustment, communication, time management, finances, parenting and other issues related to those early years as well as a chapter on second marriages. Each chapter ends with reflection questions that couples may do individually or together. Written from a Catholic/Christian perspective, it includes information that will help all couples regardless of their faith background.

    Patricia Robertson is an author, speaker and spiritual director who is committed to helping individuals find God in their everyday experience. Married, mother and minister, she writes for and about ordinary people living extraordinary lives just be being the person they are meant to be with all their human failings and foibles.

    She has a Doctor of Ministry and over thirty-five years of ministry experience. During those years she has walked with families through all aspects of life, including preparing couples for marriage and helping them through their life together. This book is the fruit of those years of experience.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherPatricia M. Robertson
    Release dateMay 31, 2016
    ISBN9781311191571
    From I Do to We Do: The First Five Years
    Author

    Patricia M. Robertson

    Patricia Robertson, D.Min., is an author, speaker and spiritual director, who is committed to helping individuals find God in their every day experience. Patricia has lived a rich life filled with many experiences, from working with street people, migrant farmworkers and the peace movement in her youth to fourteen years in parish ministry, first at a church in inner city Flint then one in rural Michigan to twelve years as chaplain at a retirement community working with seniors. A life-long resident of Michigan, she has traveled in Europe and spent a summer in the Dominican Republic before settling down and raising a family.Robertson is a published author of fiction and non-fiction books, numerous magazine articles, published a monthly column in the Jackson Citizen Patriot for eight years and blogs each week at her website.Robertson offers words of hope to those who have given up on their dreams or misplaced them in mid-life and now need new dreams and second chances. She currently lives in Jackson, Michigan, were she continues to unlock the extraordinary from the everyday.For more information on her and her writing, go to her website, http://patriciamrobertson.com

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      Book preview

      From I Do to We Do - Patricia M. Robertson

      1 From I DO to WE DO

      The First Five Years

      Patricia M. Robertson

      © 2016 Patricia M. Robertson

      Dreamweaver Press

      2525 Cobb Road

      Jackson, MI 49203

      http://patriciamrobertson.com

      All Rights Reserved

      All Scripture quotes are from the NRSV unless otherwise noted.

      CONTENTS

      Introduction

      Chapter 1. A is for Adjustment

      Chapter 2. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

      Chapter 3. In-Laws – Out-Laws – Meet the Parents!

      Chapter 4. Time – Never Enough!

      Chapter 5. Money – Never Enough!

      Chapter 6. Sex – How Much is Enough!?

      Chapter 7. And Then There Were Three – Parenting

      Chapter 8. Yours, Mine and Ours - We’re no Brady Bunch

      Chapter 9. Ever After

      Resources

      Selected Bibliography

      About the Author

      Other Books by Patricia M. Robertson

      Note to the Reader

      Introduction

      It started with Hello.

      It started with hello. They almost collided, lost in thought in the rush for the door.

      "Hello," he said, reaching for the door handle.

      "Hi," she responded smiling as he held the door for her.

      He watched for her so they could bump into each other as if by chance. She maintained her routine in the hopes of seeing him again.

      After brief meetings, smiling encounters, they made a date for coffee.

      "Could she be the one?" he thought as they shared backgrounds and talked long into the night.

      "Could he be right for me? It feels so right," she thought, but she had been wrong before. Caution. Yellow light. She proceeded carefully.

      After numerous dates, fights and making up, she said, Yes! when he asked the magic question, Will you marry me?

      Green light. Go. They had found each other, the love for life, the one to walk with, the one to talk with, the one to share hopes and dreams.

      They said, I do. The courtship ended and the marriage began. All from a single, Hello.

      (Marriage Moments, p. 2-3)

      Maybe that was how it started for you, but what do you say after you say I do? How do you go from I do, to we do?

      Now, waiting to go out for dinner and being amazed at the beautiful woman emerging from your bedroom whom you get to escort. Lying in bed sick with the flu, being brought tea and chicken soup and hearing the words you long to hear, don’t worry, you rest. I’ll take care of the kids. Or smelling coffee brewing in the morning and hearing movement in the kitchen and knowing you have someone worth getting up for: Someone to warm your feet on a cold winter’s night; Someone to share your hopes and dreams, sorrows and joys; Someone to share your life.

      Isn’t that what marriage is about? Isn’t that why, even with the high divorce rate, people keep taking the plunge, year after year? Certainly there’s something here that makes it worthwhile. Something wonderful and mysterious–the mystery of marriage, where two individuals become one.

      I’ve been in some form of full-time ministry for all of my adult life, over thirty-five years. During this time I’ve had the privilege of preparing couples for marriage, as well as preparing for baptisms. I’ve sat with spouses mourning the loss of their beloved, as well as sharing in the pain of divorce, being divorced myself. I’ve been privileged to get a glimpse of the inner workings of marriages, and in my previous position as chaplain at a retirement community, I’ve been especially blessed by the couples who have made it to golden anniversaries and beyond.

      Still marriage remains a mystery. When you say I do, you have no idea what the future may bring, what challenges, what joys. And that’s part of the beauty of it.

      In the Psychology class on Human Relations that I taught for nine years, we would explore love, friendship and marriage. The chapter on marriage addressed different trends in society and theories about these trends.

      One theory proposed by some social theorists was that marriage for a life-time was an outdated relic of the past. Instead they proposed that we would see serial marriages. Couples would stay together as long as they loved each other and were growing in the relationship, but once they outgrew the relationship, they would divorce and marry someone else. After all, they say, with the life span increasing, how can two people continue to live together and grow together for fifty years and beyond?

      I usually presented this theory and asked students what they thought. I was surprised at one of my last classes when my students accepted this with little question. I then told them my own opinion – that marriage has been changing and going through a rough time. That there were many factors putting stress on marriages: changing roles in families, higher expectations that are brought into marriages today, two-career marriages, shifting gender roles, money problems, lack of time, lack of communication and conflict resolution skills, the prevalence of violence, drug and alcohol abuse in society and in families. All of these factors have an impact on marriages, hence the high divorce rate, but ultimately, I would tell them, marriage will prevail, and not only that, the marriages of the future will be better and stronger for having gone through this period of change. Like the phoenix, the mythical bird that arises out of the ashes, marriage, too, will arise out of the ashes.

      The good news is that the divorce rate has fallen by about 24 percent since its peak in 1979. Adding to this, the good news for Catholics is that their divorce rate is less than this. According to findings of the Barna Research Group of Ventura, California, the divorce rate for Catholics is 25 percent, compared to 39 percent for Protestants. And, according to a report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, this percentage is most likely better for observant Catholics than nominal Catholics. So the fact that you are Catholic and actively practicing your faith decreases the likelihood that you will divorce. This says something about our understanding as Catholics of marriage as a sacred union, a sacrament, and the value we place on our sacraments.

      I wish I had a magical formula to divorce-proof your marriage, but I don’t. I do know that there are certain tension points that often arise during the first five years of marriage. The Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University did a study of couples who had completed marriage preparation between 1995 and 1999. According to the study, time, money, and sex were the three most problematic areas for young marriages. There is a chapter in this book on each of these. Other areas young couples often ask about are issues related to in-laws and parenting. There are also special issues for those couples who have been married previously or are bringing children from a previous relationship into this relationship.

      Having good communication skills and an understanding of the different dynamics and adjustments a marriage may go through are also important to strengthen marriages. Communication problems were the leading cause of difficulties leading to divorce, according to a 1985 study by Cleek and Pearson. Other studies have shown that one of the best predictors of whether a marriage will last is the communication level of the couples going into marriage. A shared faith and an understanding of marriage as a sacrament and the role God plays in your relationship is also a big plus. All of these are addressed in this book.

      More good news is that there are still many marriages that are strong and rewarding for both members. If we make an effort to look there are marriages that are thriving. They are out there and a good number of them can be found in our own churches.

      In my classes and in marriage prep, I encourage couples to go for the gold – fifty years and beyond. Studies have shown that one of the top three predictors of happiness is loving relationships. They have also shown that there are health benefits to being married and economic benefits. Married couples accrue more money over time and are healthier. And despite the myths about swinging singles, married couples have better and more frequent sex. Marriage equals better health, better wealth, better loving. All reasons to go for the gold.

      One of the great losses of my divorce was accepting that I would not experience even a twenty-five year anniversary, much less a fiftieth. That I wouldn’t have someone to grow old with who shared so many important memories. I’m writing this because I want you to have what I do not have. I’m writing because I believe that marriage for a lifetime is possible, and not just staying together for the sake of the children or because of fear of societal disapproval but because you want to be together. Key to this is the foundation you are laying during the first five years. You are establishing patterns to last a lifetime.

      There is hope for marriages and I see hope in the young couples of today. Some of you may have experienced divorce first-hand in your own parents’ marriage. Perhaps you may be more wary than previous generations and yet there is hope in this. You want more from married life and you are willing to work for it. I believe the marriages of the future will be stronger and better than those of the past.

      This book is written from my Catholic Christian perspective. I believe in the power of prayer and the positive role that God can play in relationships and so have included that within these pages. Feel free to replace references to God with your own understanding of who that is. Most of the information included will work for couples regardless of their faith background.

      Throughout the book you will find quotes from couples who have been married over fifty years as well as stories from other couples. At the end of each chapter are reflection questions for you to work on individually and then share as a means of furthering communication and understanding. My hope is that the information provided in this book will help you in building a strong sacramental marriage where God’s presence is evident; a presence that will grow stronger with each year and sustain you well into your golden years of life.

      So, what do you say after you say I do? How do you go from I do to we do?

      Chapter 1

      A is for Adjustment

      We’re not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz says as she steps out of black and white into the colorful world of Oz. The difference between single life and married life may not be as striking as this, but it is a different reality, a different world. Single life and married life both carry their own blessings as well as challenges. They are different, requiring adjustments. The honeymoon can seem like Oz, full of color and wonder, but eventually you have to return to everyday life and adjust to life together. In every change, even ones long anticipated and longed for, is some stress. Even changes for the better entail adjustments and some stress as you leave parts of you in the past and forge ahead.

      So welcome to the Wonderful World of Marriage. One day you are single and the next you are married. An exciting new world full of the unexpected, full of mystery, full of surprises–a life-long journey. It takes a life-time to build a marriage, always changing, full of adjustments.

      Movie Marriage in your Mind

      Well, this has been nice, but she can go home now, or so one of my friends thought after the first few months of being married. Much like my son after his sisters were home from the hospital for two hours. It was fun at first, but then the newness began to wear off and he was left with major adjustments.

      Anything can become a drag after a while, once the proverbial honeymoon is over. There is getting used to each other’s habits and idiosyncrasies, learning all of the little things about each other that you never knew. Deciding who sleeps on which side of the bed and who makes the bed. Does he hang up towels to dry neatly after each shower or throw them in a heap on the floor? Does she squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom, neatly rolling the tube up as it empties, or does she squeeze from the middle? Does he never finish anything, a box of cereal or bottle of shampoo, before opening a new container, leaving all those partially empty containers in the house? Does she wake up cheery or stumble to the kitchen for a cup of coffee? And, of course, the toilet seat. So many little habits to learn and adjust to.

      Even if a couple has lived together before marriage and already knows a lot about each other, there are still adjustments to be made. Before, they were trying it out, now it’s forever. I’ve known couples who lived together for several years before marriage, thought they knew each other and were ready to take the plunge, only to marry and end up divorced several years later. There was

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