Giving Myself Permission: Putting Fear and Doubt In Their Place

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Dedication

To my wonderful children, Ilyce and LeAlec, who have been forgiving enough to allow me to grow up, and loving enough to endure the process. Thanks to you, I learned to give myself permission so that I could become all God created me to be.

I love you more than life!

Acknowledgements

It can come across as an expected cliché to say, First giving honor to God…, because everyone says it. However, you really don’t know my entire backstory, and I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve stood at the gates of Hell and God’s mercy snatched me back!"

It is for these reasons and so many others that I too acknowledge God. Despite how raggedy my life became at times, God always insisted that I had a greater purpose. And I thank Him for His patience during my Jonah Experience.

I lovingly acknowledge my mother and my four sisters: Iris, Arzella, Sheila, and Bridgett, my nieces and nephews, and my best friend, who like me, have struggled with giving themselves permission to live and breathe in the power of their intended purpose and unique identity. May the eternal wisdom and love of God overtake you!

A million thanks to the many friends, professors, colleagues, and acquaintances that incessantly encouraged me to follow through with this project! You believed in me and encouraged me to have courage when I doubted myself the most.

I also acknowledge my adversaries — those who made it their goal to keep me bogged down with dumb stuff. While you meant it for harm, God used it for my highest good. It is through the tearful paths of my journey that I learned to give myself permission.

Special thanks to my editor, Yolanda Harris. I appreciate your willingness to allow God to infuse the spirit of your lessons of self-permission throughout the pages of this book. I value you.

Finally, to my literary angel Nichole Bazemore who provided the finishing touches of this work. Your spirit of self-permission ensured that the spirit of this book was honored and shined through every punctuation mark and grammar check. You are a diamond.

Introduction

The quality of your life does not depend on others. It depends on the quality of the choices you make and, most importantly, the accuracy of the information upon which your choices are based.

~Christine DeLorey, Creative Numerology

Have you ever told someone about a goal you wanted to pursue, or a lifelong desire you hoped to fulfill, and then followed the statement with a BUT or an IF ONLY? If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard someone (including myself) rationalize why their plans haven’t yet materialized, I would be rich!

Let’s be honest. The reasons we give for failing to achieve our goals are seldom the real issues preventing us from success. The truth is, if all these so called obstacles — lack of money, support, time, or opportunities — were removed, we would simply come up with something else to justify our unconscious, but accepted limitations. In other words, the reason we sometimes experience the shallow end of life is we don’t give ourselves permission to do anything else.

The mere fact that you’re holding this book right now means you have reached a point in life where you’ve grown tired of spinning around in the same circle. After all the falling down and getting-back-up-again routines, you may be at a point where you’re just sitting in the circle contemplating what to do next — if anything. Perhaps you have lost faith in your dream, or possibly yourself. One thing is for certain — to end the vicious and discouraging cycle of defeat, something has to change!

When I first made the agreement with God to write this book, many of my colleagues advised me to stick with the popular formula of encouraging life change through positive affirmation. They told me people wouldn’t want to face their issues and flaws openly, so to prevent that from happening I just needed to frame everything in a positive light.

While their intentions were honorable, I find that sometimes the positive affirmation method stops short of unearthing the what and why answers we need most. Determined to avoid hooks, gimmicks, and flowery rhetoric, I set out to do something rarely done these days — simply tell the truth. I am a firm believer that if a person is aware of the obstacles he or she is up against, their actions will be more purpose driven, and they’ll be better able to achieve the desired outcome.

Although saying positive affirmations can have a tremendous impact in a person’s life, I find that applying this concept to unresolved emotional baggage isn’t as effective. It’s more like trying to cover up hideous dark shaded wallpaper with bright paint. First, it will take a lot of paint to cover up that dark and dingy wallpaper. Secondly, after awhile, the dark and dingy bleeds through, creating ghostly shadows of the very thing the person is trying to hide. Sooner or later, the ugly wall — tattered and masked — is revealed.

If we were to apply this analogy to some of the more complex issues of our lives there would be a myriad of options from which to choose. Here are a few examples of what I mean. We could:

Patch the problem.

We could just keep adding paint until the wall appears to look better, but we all know that looks can be deceiving. Patching the problem is when we use elaborate excuses or aggrandize our problems in an attempt to cover up the things we want to hide. We’ve all done it, and by now we should all realize it doesn’t work. Sadly, we try anyway.

Delay the problem.

Of course, we could watch the wallpaper continue to peel, keep promising ourselves that we’ll fix it someday, or in most cases just learn to live with it as is. Attempting to ignore or put things off until a better time is often what happens when our problems appear too big or impossible to resolve, and we doubt our ability to achieve the outcome we want. Delaying the problem is the easiest and most popular option.

Deal with the problem.

Eventually, most of us realize that the cover up attempt isn’t working, and we certainly won’t be happy living with the problem. So the best solution is to strip the wall completely, and begin again. Dealing with the problem requires time, effort, and commitment, but it can be done. In some cases it may require starting over, but the reward is worth it!

My approach in this book is to help you strip the walls and start fresh. That’s right! The goal is to deal with every aspect of the problem. More importantly, it is my sincere hope that as you read, you will gain significant clarity and begin to redesign your walls to reflect the colors and textures best suited for the life you really want to live.

There is an African proverb that states, When you understand the ‘whys’ of life, you can endure any ‘how.’ I now live by this proverb and its simple, yet absolute truth. Likewise, as you begin to identify and appreciate the what and whys of your life, you will be better able to trust and rely on your internal compass for direction.

Right off the bat, I will tell you this book is less about how to give yourself permission. How you do that is completely up to you. It is more about the what and whys that may be hindering you from giving yourself permission to succeed in life. More specifically, what has your dreams and ambitions on lockdown, and why does it sometimes seem you’re hell-bent on sabotaging your own success?

For some people, the need to give themselves permission derives from some major life experience. Some have been abused and belittled by people they loved and trusted. Despite efforts to forget about and grow through these situations, they still end up allowing others to have greater authority in their lives than they give themselves. Others have experienced failure so many times they can barely find the courage to try again. Still others are duped into accepting feelings of low self-esteem that may stem from being rejected or being manipulated by others.

Then there are those who can believe the best for everyone else, but can’t embrace it for themselves. They have no idea why their progress is limited, or for that matter, why they think the way they do. You may not fit into either scenario. Maybe you have another set of challenges, but the good news is your situation is about to change!

As you read this book and consider embracing the notion of giving yourself permission, I recommend you do three important things:

1. Take baby steps.

Start by choosing some aspect of your life or situation that poses the least amount of emotional, mental, or physical resistance. Don’t choose anything that would cause unnecessary anxiety. For example, take action on one small task that will get you on the path to fulfilling a dream. To achieve this goal, you may elect to release one sabotaging thought or negative habit. Or, you could praise yourself for something you’ve already done to get the ball rolling.

2. Stay consistent.

Keep working on that one task until the positive outcome becomes second nature. Believe me, trying to rush through the process only makes matters worse. Take all the time you need. There is no magic timetable or accelerated expectation to learning how to give yourself permission.

3. Experience the journey.

What do you mean experience the journey? you may be wondering. Some things I talk about in the book won’t apply to you. That’s okay. But, when the information does touch your spirit, give yourself permission to explore ways to begin using it in your day-to-day life. Highlight and underline those things that speak specifically to you. Make special notes to refer to later by writing in the margins of the book, take notes, or journal your thoughts and emotions.

How to Use This Book

During certain instances in the book, you will see the words Side bar, which means I’ve gotten off the specific point for a moment to make an off-the-cuff, but relevant comment. Once I get off my soapbox, you will see the word Resume, which means I’m back on topic. My intent is to keep it real, so at times, I use a few curse words — but nothing hardcore.

It’s best to build your voice and your brand of success in small, yet consistent increments. At the end of each chapter, I have added a Self-Permission Challenge. These exercises were included to highlight specific points in each chapter and to help reinforce your resolve to give yourself permission. As you accept each challenge, I encourage you to take small steps toward achieving what you really want in life, love, and success. Instead of trying to make huge, quick changes, I recommend you use what I call The Principle of 5%.

The Principle of 5% is taking small, non-disruptive, but intentional, persistent steps toward change. No, I can’t tell you what 5% worth of effort literally measures out to be, but I can say it’s just enough, if done persistently and purposefully, to guarantee a stronger foundation for success. The number five also symbolizes harmony, balance, and divine grace. The Principle of 5% works because it takes very little energy or thought. Therefore, it doesn’t cause your subconscious mind anxiety or distress. Introducing change of any kind in large doses will only cause your mind to perceive your desired change — no matter how good it is — as a threat.

Our natural, human response to a perceived threat is fight or flight. Loved ones and significant others may also perceive large and quick doses of change as a threat, revenge, intimidation, or you going through a crazy spell. Their responses may impact you negatively and result in setbacks. After enduring a certain amount of resistance, you might begin to think self-sabotaging thoughts, like what’s the use? If these negative thoughts linger, you could end up right back at square one. So just remember, keep the changes small, but keep them steady.

While I have outlined specific tasks at the end of each chapter, the ultimate task is learning to break free from the invisible internal resistance that up to now has held you back. The key to finding your voice and your own brand of success is to discover the authentic you. I’m not referring to the person people think you are or want you to be; I am specifically referring to the real you who has been trapped inside.

Throughout Giving Myself Permission, I share many personal experiences that caused me to become apprehensive and as a result, limited my own success. I also take a very vivid walk through the events that led me to giving myself permission. But of course, the names of those I mention in the book have been changed, and the events are not in sequence of their occurrence. While I have learned to better my life through this process and have experienced things I could previously only imagine, I am still confronted with situations that challenge my ability to continue giving myself permission.

The biggest challenge most times is confronting my inner critic. It’s that voice inside that tells you what you can’t do, how guilty you should feel, and how inferior you are in comparison to others. The inner critic reminds you of all the things you’ve tried before and failed at. Whether it’s losing weight, starting a business, buying a home, or starting a relationship, the inner critic ALWAYS has something to say. It wants you to give up! But you can’t because deep inside, you know that making steps toward change is the best thing you could ever do for yourself. And it is! This entire process of learning to give ourselves permission is just that — a learning experience.

The reality of giving yourself permission is something you and I will have to do every day. Why? Because the inner critic is actively at work, always waiting to smugly point out our weaknesses, fears, and failures. Its very presence is what reinforces self-sabotaging thoughts. With that in mind, I’m also writing for the times when I will need to read my own book to regain focus and increase confidence. As tedious as things may become during this transformation, we can’t give in to the old views of our inner critic any longer.

The words on the pages that follow are not the words of a guru oozing with platitudes of the ancient truth-seeker. I’m not trying to come off as some enlightened sage perched upon a pedestal telling you what you should and should not do. Nor am I proclaiming that I have arrived. With all certainty, I can say, however, I’m an individual just like you, still learning to give myself permission in life, love, and success. It is with absolute transparency that we take this journey together.

Speaking of transparency, throughout this book, I speak openly about my relationship with God and often reference my favorite verses from the Bible. I am a Christian and my faith sustains me. Yet, this book is not meant as a religious text, and I have no desire to preach to you or condemn you. Whether you’re a Buddhist, Hindi, or agnostic, my goal is to help you move beyond the inhibitions and learned weaknesses in your life.

Whether you’re trying to improve some aspect of life, enhance your business, deepen your relationships, or simply pursue a dream that you have hidden in your heart for far too long, you are about to discover a level of insight that will strengthen your confidence and change everything! It is my sincere hope that this book will help you to unlock the things that have held you back so that you can begin to thrive and boldly walk out your God-given destiny.

As you begin your own journey of learning to give yourself permission, I want you to know that the life lessons will be unending and ever-changing, and you may sometimes lack concrete evidence of your progress. But I encourage you to stay the course. The lessons you will learn are invaluable, your possibilities countless, and the freedom exhilarating. Enjoy!

Chapter 1

A Philosophy in the Making

On the surface, I am an average person, but to my heart – I am a GREAT MOMENT. The challenge I face is how to dedicate everything I have inside me to fulfilling this moment.

~Abraham Heschel

The foundation for the philosophy of giving myself permission was laid during one of my knock-down, drag-out fights with God! Yes, you read that right. You can call me arrogant, sacrilegious, gutsy, or just plain stupid, but I was none of those. During this particular fight, I had accused Him of being a liar. Not only that, I blamed Him for playing favorites between men and women, and among races.

It seemed a valid fight to me. Of course, I had been taught that God didn’t have favorites, and that He loved all of His children the same. Well at the time, I didn’t feel that was true, at least not for me. Today, I know better, but that day I felt like a stepchild who just never seemed to get the support, love, and attention the other kids were getting.

My talks with God are real conversations like the kind you would have with a person standing right in front of you. They’re not sugar-coated, and seldom are they done in the traditional way of bowing my head and falling to my knees. If you walked into a room while I was talking to God, your eyes would automatically scan the room in search of the other person in the conversation.

Anyway, I was mad as hell that despite my desperate pleas for God to help me, He wasn’t responding fast enough. Other times, I didn’t think He responded at all. Don’t you hate when He does that? You’re in head over heels, struggling to sleep at night, worried about how you’re going to make it out, and there He is seemingly twiddling His thumbs, or gone on an extended vacation. UGH!

Three years prior, I had lost my retail business of nine years. My home went into foreclosure. I was hiding my car to avoid it being repossessed. My bank accounts were frozen, and I was fighting two pending liens from the IRS. Not wanting to give into failure, I worked two jobs to get back on my feet, but things just weren’t turning around the way I needed them to. I was a single mom with two kids: an eleven-year-old son, and a twenty-five-year-old daughter who had a daughter and was trying to finish college.

Around this same time, several professional acquaintances had strongly suggested that I consider becoming a professional speaker, but I never really gave it any thought. Instead, I quit my second job, took what little savings I had, and started a business creating leadership development programs. After hobbling along for close to a year, I landed a big client that would put me on a sure path toward success. Life was good!

After two short months, I was blindsided when the client reneged on our contract. I had developed a special program to cater to their needs and already trained members of the company’s team. Suddenly the client terminated my services, claiming the decision was due to budgetary constraints. It added salt to the wound when I learned the company later implemented my program using their own people.

For a couple of weeks, I threw a major pity party by crying and feeling sorry for myself. I was emotionally exhausted and stayed in bed for days. Devastated, I barely ate anything or talked to anyone. Thank goodness my son had gone to stay with my daughter for the summer. She had finished college in Springfield, Missouri, and decided to live there, at least for a while. When I talked to them, I mustered enough energy to pretend that everything was great!

The Strength of Words

While I can’t remember my exact words to God the day I got really angry with Him, the gist of my accusation was that all my life I had been told by my mother that because I was a Black woman I would never be anything more than a peon. Though everything inside me completely rejected that nonsense, hearing those words over and over again subconsciously affected me.

SIDE BAR: It is amazing how a person’s words can have power over our lives. I believe words can either empower or defeat our efforts. Be careful about the things you give ear to. Like me, you may have been saturated with negative message that may have diminished your hopes and dreams. Often, the most hurtful and deflating words come from those you loved or respected — a parent, spouse, sibling, teacher, or friend.

When they spoke those words, you may not have given it much thought. But think for just a moment — do you sometimes hear a faint whisper of these words in your mind when you’re in certain situations? Do you find yourself believing some of the very things they said about you? Until now, you may not have consciously been aware that you have been harboring feelings associated with that particular moment in life.

If you think that perhaps negative words are having an effect on your progress, make a decision right now that you will forgive the person whose words have held you back. Then, replace the message they gave you with a positive message. For example, if someone said, You will never amount to anything, replace their words with a new message, like, Deep within me is the power to be as I define myself and my life! Or, perhaps they said, You should have given up on that dream years ago. It’s too late. Replace that message with something like, I may have missed some opportunities along the way, but I choose to learn from those mistakes and move on. There is a definite plan for my life, and I intend to live for that plan and purpose!

RESUME: Despite the negative words that were constantly spoken to me early on in life, I intentionally set out to make something of myself. I completed college, lived in the so called right neighborhoods, sent my children to the right schools, and socialized with the right people. I went to church, prayed, fasted, tithed, and gave to the less fortunate. In short, I dotted all the "Is and crossed all the Ts." Even though I followed the blueprint for success, I wasn’t successful. My life was in shambles, and professionally — well hell, that didn’t turn out the way I planned either.

As if God didn’t know my situation already, I blurted every detail about the mess my life was in and reminded Him of all the work I had done to earn the privilege of having a better life. After all, I deserved every bit of the lifestyle I had been busting my butt to achieve. I insisted my overall experience as a Black woman and the persistent inequality Blacks endured, despite our efforts, just wasn’t fair. I went on to argue that I should never have had to suffer the absence of a healthy loving partner, the stigmas placed on me by both Black men and White society, and the consistent betrayals and emotional devastations that I was subjected to as a child.

As my anger surged and then peaked, I screamed, "God, You’re a liar and You play favorites! The Bible says You are not a respecter of persons. You rain on the just as well as the unjust. But what I see is Whites getting all the privileges and Blacks, well I guess to hell with us! I’ve done everything people said I was supposed to do to be successful. And I’ve done everything to win Your favor. Yet I keep coming up empty handed, betrayed, and frustrated. I’m tired of picking up the broken pieces of my life! So tell me what’s going on?" I demanded.

If there was a feeling deeper than depression, I was feeling it. My life was so dark; I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. I was convinced, more than ever, that God didn’t care anything about me. Before I knew it, I was in a full-fledged affront against Him.

Physically and emotionally exhausted, I heard God say, It’s not Me, it’s you!

Shocked and still pissed off, I responded, What do You mean, it’s not You, it’s me?

Then I heard Him say, "While you do have a lot of responsibility in your situation, I don’t mean ‘you’ alone — I mean ‘you’ as a human society — far too many people are locked in the residue of their past."

This outrageous conversation, precipitated by my matter-of-fact, in-your-face attitude, led me on the most extraordinary journey of my life. First, I was eager to find out what God meant by me being responsible for my dilemma. Second, what was this residue of the past that human society was locked into?

Why Can’t I Stop the Madness?

As time went on, I began entertaining the suggestion my colleagues made about becoming a professional speaker. Just out of curiosity, I contacted a few public speaking seminar companies and within one month, I landed a job as a corporate trainer. Not having anything else to lose, I thought, What the hell? It can’t get any worse. I actually did begin speaking professionally, not because it was an intentional career move, but because I needed a job.

A year passed and things seemed to be leveling off financially. My head was beginning to clear. Over the course of time, I met a man who pastored a church. He seemed really interested in developing a relationship with me. Within six months, he asked me to marry him, and I graciously accepted.

Since my job as a corporate trainer required frequent travel, he insisted that I quit. He argued that a pastor’s wife needed to be available at all times to assist with ministry work. It sounded rational, and as you might suspect, I quit my job to fulfill my role as pastor’s wife. As the old adage goes, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Within the first month of our marriage, the good pastor became physically and emotionally abusive. Rather than entering into a marriage, it seemed I had entered into the ring to spar with an aggressive boxer. Then, as if things weren’t bad enough, I discovered he wasn’t legally divorced. Here we were three months into the marriage and we weren’t even legal! Can you see where this is headed?

The what else could go wrong? list kept growing. This man, whom I thought I loved, stole large sums of money from me and pawned my jewelry. I simply couldn’t believe that my life had taken such a downward turn. Devastated, I had to find a way out of that nightmare and somehow regain my dignity and sanity.

At the same time, life had presented my daughter with her own set of challenges. It seemed as though she was repeating my life patterns, because she too had become a single parent of two children. Eventually, she moved back home and we worked together to get over our hurdles. Months passed, and even with the two of us working long hours to get ahead, we were barely able to make ends meet.

An Unexpected Journey

By the time God revealed the philosophy of learning to give myself permission, I had gone back to conducting public speaking seminars for corporate professionals. It had been four years since my failed marriage to the pastor, which not only created heartbreak, but financial setback. I had decided to embrace the gift and talent of touching people’s lives through words.

My hope was restored, and I had set my sights on becoming the next great speaking sensation. But with this grand idea came a bigger problem — I had no idea how I was going to accomplish the goal. So, when a colleague sent me information about a weekend retreat designed to help small business owners and entrepreneurs market themselves, I jumped at the opportunity. The event was held in La Jolla, California, and seemed like the perfect solution to help make me visible, busy, and booked!

It was November 2001, and the purpose of the retreat was to bring together a small group of entrepreneurs who had become stagnant in their efforts to move to the next level of success. The location overlooked the Pacific Ocean and was simply fabulous! We were all invigorated by the view. And certainly the presenter had done an outstanding job of inspiring us to refocus and pursue our dreams. During the conference, participants engaged in passionate discussions that produced tears, hugs, prayers, and major breakthroughs. Then — too soon, it seemed — the weekend ended.

There was no doubt our passion had been rekindled. We were headed toward the next level of success! As we said our goodbyes, a few of us lingered in the corridor of the facility and continued to talk about our weekend experience. We shared how the feedback from other creative, like-minded people had been simply stimulating.

After awhile, the pleasantries began to fade and the conversation began to echo the exact same conversations we had when we first arrived. Somehow we slipped away from the talk of hope and possibilities and reverted to doubt and impossibilities. It was almost as if we were openly reaffirming our loyalty to remain restrained by our limitations.

I chuckled and said to myself, Wow! We managed to spend an entire weekend making a 360 degree turn —