From Eden and Back: The Incredible Misadventures of Billy Barker

Candide.

1

The white Piper Cub with the red streak on the sides and down the tail was piloted by old Joe Beno and was flying at about five thousand feet in a clear blue sky over eastern Montana when it coughed twice and the propeller stopped. Old Joe banged on the fuel gage. Nothing. Empty tank. Didn't fill up at the last stop. He tried the radio for gliding instructions to the nearest airport. No one was listening. He took a couple of swigs of Jim Beam from the silver flask, lit a cigar and sang a song, gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight as he headed the craft toward the highway in the distance.

On that rural road somewhere between Sidney and Lewistown, Montana, Ralph and Louise Barker were driving their brand new 1960 black Chevrolet when it suddenly lost power. While Louise continued to nibble on her Baby Ruth candy bar, Ralph shifted into neutral and tried starting the engine. Wouldn't catch. Louise noticed the needle on the gauge collapsed on the empty mark. As the car coasted to a stop in the middle of the road, she said, Two hundred miles from nowhere and you run out of gas. And you told me not to worry when we left Sidney. Not to worry, that's what you said, not to worry, not to worry--

Her words were interrupted with a large hand over her mouth, causing her to swallow the chocolate and nuts and nearly choking. Ralph waited until the coughing spell ceased, then said, Sorry, dear, but there really isn't anything to worry about. Someone's bound to come along in just a minute.

Ralph was right. Old Joe was setting the Piper down on the blacktop without a center stripe and the black Chevrolet blended in perfectly. In seconds the plane and car became one in a fireball noticed by no one. Except the buzzards, who would wait until things cooled down.

Meanwhile back in Chicago, sweet sixteen-year-old blonde and blue-eyed William   Murplethorp Barker,   better known as Billy,     was   staying   with his grandmother Mildred while his parents were on vacation. When Mildred heard the news of the demise of Ralph and Louise, she dropped dead of a heart attack. Billy did the rounds of what he considered the inconvenient but necessary funerals, and finally went to live with his mother's sister, Florine Doobie, in California.

Florine's husband, M.C. Doobie, owned much of downtown Los Angeles, and the Doobie home in Bel Air was considered the most palatial castle-estate south of Santa Barbara. Along with M.C. and Florine there was Cash Doobie, their devious son—about the same age as lovable Billy Barker-and six servants. Also on the grounds was the caretaker, the Reverend Jerry Roberts, always neatly groomed with the appearance of gently waved plaster of Paris hair. Same color. A former televangelist, he was forced to give up his empire when he was discovered having intercourse with a camerawoman following an on-air diatribe about the sin of sex.

Living with the Reverend was his daughter, Lillie, a highly sensual eighteen year old with long dark hair and blue-black eyes and a delectable figure that was always clothed in tight-fitting silk to accent her erotic attributes. Reverend Robert's wife, Lulu, had left him and had since built a profitable escort service in Los Angeles.

And so nice Billy Barker found himself in this environment of old wealth and new temptations, the ideal opportunity to test his mettle.

Billy was six foot one in height and weighed exactly one hundred and seventy-one pounds-a slender boy with squared shoulders and a face that reflected the angels in heaven: sweetness and light from a perpetual smile and shining eyes.His thick blonde wavy hair that lapped over his shirt collar stayed in place without hair spray.

M.C. Doobie, upon seeing Billy for the first time in fifteen years, said, Son, you were created for the movies, and I will see to it that you have a starring role in a major motion picture. When Billy asked M.C. how this was to be accomplished, the bald, nearly three hundred pound five-foot-five czar casually replied I own the land where the studios are headquartered. Billy rubbed his long-fingered hands in delight.

Billy Barker was happy. Not only did he have a new father-figure who was rich and powerful, but exactly one hundred yards from the main house was the girl of his dreams: provocative and seductive Lillie. He could see her lying on her back in bed, a large rectangular swatch of thin black silk covering her as though dropped from above and finding its resting place in soft uneven furrows on her deep breathing body, ready to be snatched away to reveal firm breasts and milk-smooth skin, eyes and mouth beckoning him to smother her and penetrate to the depths of her passion. Billy had an over-energized imagination brought on by a strong libido as the result of seven fire signs in his astrological chart.

As Aunt Florine entered the room Billy put his hand in his pocket to conceal his rising phoenix consumed in fire. The tiny frail woman with gray hair in the form of a crew cut said, Sweet Billy, what are you thinking about?

He smiled innocently. How indeed fortunate I am to be here with my most favorite aunt and uncle in this lavish dwelling and bountiful land.   I truly live in paradise. And since I graduated early from high school, college will be my next adventure, that is, if you and Uncle M.C. see fit to assist me financially. Of course, I could work--

Work? Florine put her hand over her mouth in shock. My dear Billy, no one in this family works. We are not a part of the great unwashed, the average folk. They work for us, and so sweet Billy, they shall work for you. But first you must graduate from a fine local university and then take your place alongside son-Cash to hunt in the fields, attend marvelous parties with champagne fountains and international food stations, travel around the world, and be with me whenever M.C. is away enjoying his frequent liaisons.

Billy thought of Lillie draped in black silk on the bed as a scene in a movie. His hand was still in his pocket. But Uncle M.C. said I could be a famous actor.

You can play that role during the summers while you are on vacation. Your uncle will select a script for you, something Paul Newman might like, and with the appropriate leading lady of course.

Billy paused a moment in thought. Do you know what Lillie's plans for the future might be?

Florine wheezed, Sweet Billy, do you have a fancy for flirtatious Lillie?

Billy looked at the black marble floor with flecks of blue diamonds creating patterns of constellations as in the night sky. She has aroused my...my curiosity.

I myself have not entered into the closet of her mind, except to ask which line of work she was going to follow, her father's or her mother's.

And what was her reply?

Neither. She said she would take her faith and go into the world to serve with sacrifice in payment for her father's sins. I know she'll be happy.

When does lovely Lillie plan to commence this odyssey?

After further teaching from her father on what is always best. But I must warn you. M.C. does not want either you or son-Cash to associate with Lillie as she is beneath our status in life and is therefore inferior.

I understand, Billy said as he gave his aunt a hug and three pats on the back. He then asked, Where is Cash now?

He is spending the summer at a neo-Nazi retreat in Philadelphia. He of course has not told the white rigidly upright leaders that his grandmother was Jewish, or that his great grandfather was black.

Just as well, Billy said.

Even so, his shaved head is so precious.

I'm sure, Billy said as he excused himself to bathe in the bright sunshine and fresh air of noonday Los Angeles.

Billy entered the maze of flowering shrubs and soon found himself at a large fountain, the water spraying from the navel of an ancient Oriental. He decided not to have a drink. On a concrete bench nearby was the Reverend Jerry Roberts and his daughter Lillie. He seemed to be instructing her in a lesson. Billy drew closer to listen, careful not to be seen.

You must always accept things in life as they are, the Reverend said, one eye squinting in the bright sunlight, the other closed, because everything is for the best. Seeing her nod vigorously, he continued. You see, my daughter, it is the will of God that we suffer because we messed up his favorite garden. He cursed man to live in toil with thorns because man was nothing but an embarrassment anyway, and told the women-folk that he was going to really make things tough for them when they had kids. Talk about being ticked off. The Reverend paused, looked up for a moment, said, Daughter, you are on the pill aren't you? She didn't stop nodding and he said, Since then he has given us countless opportunities to experience his wrath by showing his new ways to suffer. To please him we must accept our punishment, and whatever happens must be good in his sight, even though to us it is painful, torturous and otherwise unpleasant.

Lillie's head was continuing to move up and down so rapidly that Billy became concerned that her neck muscles might be permanently stretched. But then he realized that it was all right because it would be the will of God and a sore neck would be very good in this wonderful world of punishment and pain. He dug his long fingers into his neck to experience the enjoyment of righteous distress. Billy had been looking since age seven for a philosophy of life, and now he had found it: Whatever happens to a person must be good because everyone is bad, and everyone's experience in life is God's will, otherwise it could not happen. Suddenly he understood the beauty of sorrow, despair, villainy, poverty, squalor and disease.

He watched as lovely Lillie stood and turned her neck from side to side, then lifted her arms and leaned back, stretching the red silk blouse tightly against her breasts. Thank you for your wisdom, my Daddy, she said, but isn't it possible for us to find happiness in this world?

"Daughter, millions upon millions have been born again with testimony following only to continue to be murdered, pillaged, plundered, sacked, looted, stripped and fleeced. Therefore, we have a God whose anger has not subsided in millions of years, an Almighty who laughs at our calamities. And it has been revealed that pain is pleasure, sorrow is joy, sadness is happiness, and not the opposite of each other."

Billy watched as she leaned over and touched the toes of her high heel shoes, her tight silk jeans forming a blue sheath over her firm, beautifully rounded buttocks. As she straightened to her full five foot six inches, she said, Then what you are saying, my Daddy, is that we should look for calamity, tragedy, adversity and misfortune in order to live the best of all possible lives.

Yes, my daughter, we must walk through continuous blight and die with our sins on in preparation for the great courtroom in the sky.

Lillie smiled broadly. I think I am ready to begin my fatal, ruinous and deleterious life.

My child, wait until January first. That is only six months away and will give you a fresh field of snow in which to make your tracks.

Oh Daddy, you are so poetic. And you're right. It will take me six months to shop and make adequate preparations for a wonderful life of misery.

2

The following day Billy Barker decided to walk through the lush fruit-laden trees and flowering shrubs of the twenty acre Doobie estate. He found his way through the maze again, moved past the concrete bench where lovely Lillie received her lessons, and after several minutes had reached a low hill near the ten foot rock fence at the back of the property. He climbed a tree for a better view of the grand and noble home and grounds.

While he was in the tree he heard a melodious voice singing Answer Me My Love. He became very still and listened for the source of the exquisite sound. Suddenly his breath leaped. He had spotted Lillie strolling through the forest glen pulling petals from a large yellow daisy, her voice crying out in ecstasy laced with misery. She was dressed in a snug-fitting yellow silk blouse with side slits and a matching silk slim skirt with a back kick pleat and yellow high heels. He slid down the trunk of the tree and said hello.

Startled, she stepped back and dropped the daisy. Oh, Billy Barker, it's you. I wasn't expecting anyone.

Out for a walk? Billy asked with a pleasing smile.

No, only thinking about my life and the new adventure of hardship and woe that is to come upon me.

Yes, Billy said with excitement in his voice as he stepped closer to the fragrance radiating from her ravishing body, her dark hair gently blowing across her captivating face. He pulled her to him and felt the rise and fall of her breasts. Their lips met, mouths opened, tongues played. His hand cupped her breast and she slowly   slipped down   to the thick   bed of lush grass,   Billy beside her.   Everything is indeed for the best he thought as he unbuttoned her silk blouse. Their passions engulfed them in a cocoon of oblivion, and neither saw the large tree limb that was being swung toward Billy's rear end by the short and rotund M.C. Doobie. The blow was so furious that Billy was sent flying across the prone Lillie.

Be gone! M.C. yelled. Leave! Go! You are hereby banished forever from the castle-estate of Maximillian Carmine Doobie, and you now forfeit all rights that were formerly bestowed upon you by your mother's sister. Run now, you devil, run!

As Billy got up and started sprinting for the high twelve-foot wide iron gates with flaming sword-bearing cherubims